Survivor 12.1 "I'm currently in Panamanian hell."

It's back! And it looks like a good one, so let's dive right in. The show opens with Jeff reminding us about Exile Island, where at least one person will be sent every week (of the show, meaning every few days for the survivors) to fend for themselves. The concept being, remember how in Palau we sent Janu out all by herself? Well, wouldn't it be cool to send someone more interesting? And he's wearing the electric blue shirt, mmmm, Jeff in blue. 16 people! 39 days! One Survivor! Yet another season set in Panama! Which is fine by me, this show is more about the people then the locale, and as long as they keep casting well and coming up with new "hooks", we can stay in Central America every year, what do I care?

NEW SURVIVOR ORIENTATION

The first thing Jeff does is make sure the Survivors realize that they've been broken up into four tribes of four, and divided into the following groups: older men, younger men, younger women, younger men. Cirie, a YOUNG black nurse, is surprised to find herself in the older women's group, but that's how the cookie crumbled. They don't cast enough people over 40 for there to be FOUR women older than 32, so there you go, Melinda and Cirie are OLDER than the four girls in the other tribe. Bobby, a hunky black younger dude who's IN the younger group dubs the older women the Golden Girls and the younger women the Spice Girls--I love it when the contestants do my job for me :) Since he didn't nickname the guys, we'll call them the Frat and the Lodge. Austin, a writer who's cute in a very "Not Christine's type" kind of way laments being put on an all-dude's team when his forte is flirting with the ladies (I'd roll my eyes at this, but it was clear that some of the Spice Girls were digging him). So anyway, Jeff launches into the explanation about Exile Island, and about how whoever gets sent here will be out of the loop in terms of his or hers tribe's politics, and that could be a huge disadvantage.

QUEST FOR FIRE

Jeff then announces the tribe's have to compete in their first Reward Challenge now, and it's for flint so they can start their fire. Also, the losing tribe will have to choose one of their members to be the first to be banished to Exile Island. The contest is simple--each tribe chooses one of their members to race into the jungle to find a stack of skulls. Inside three of the skulls are amulets, so they have to smash the skulls until they find the right one, then they race back to the beach. the first three people back win reward and stay intact. I liked this a lot because the teams barely have a chance to exchange names before someone has to stand up and say, "I'm pretty fast, put this on my shoulders." The four that step forward are Austin from the Frat, Terry, a handsome (in a square kinda way) ex-fighter pilot from the Lodge, Ruth-Marie, a rather proper Southern woman from the Golden Girls and Danielle, a pretty tomboy with a thick Boston accent. We can't seem to escape Boston on this show. Terry comes back first, then Austin. Tina, the lumberjill (yes, that's right) kinds annoyed me right off the bat because she started to fret that Ruth-Marie was the wrong person to send because "she's not a pounder, she's not a smasher," and I was like, chill, she's a good runner, stop doubting her! So I was glad when Ruth Marie came in third place, with Danielle bringing up the rear. Danielle offers to stay behind in exile since she lost the challenge, but the other girls won't her of it, since she's so exhausted from the challenge. They decide to roshambo for the dishonor (aka rock-paper-scissors) and Misty the missile engineer (nope, not making that one up either) winds up stuck on the little island with the giant man-made skull. At least...I hope it's man made *ominous music playing*. Then Jeff lays down one more major twist that rocked my like a hurricane: there's an immunity idol hidden somewhere on Skull Island! Once found, the owner can keep it a secret, or tell anyone they wish. They can use it at any time up until the Final Four. The coolest thing of all is the change from last season: this time, you reveal you have it AFTER THE VOTE!! Meaning, you get voted out and then you say, "Uh Jeff, I have Immunity!" Which makes the votes for you invalid and do they re-vote. Oh no, the person who gets voted out is the person with the next-most number of votes! Think about that! That could be a person with one vote--the vote cast by the doomed person, most likely. Like last season, Gary was doomed to week he found the idol, so when he revealed it, the power click targeted Bobby Jon. But had he been able to wait to reveal his immunity until AFTER he was voted out, damn, that week Danni and Bobby Jon's votes for Steph would have given her the boot (Gary voted for Cindy). Since the person who needs to use the idol is likely to be at the wrong end of a numbers game, it's possible that the person who winds up going in their place would only have one vote against them. This is so cool, because ever since they took away the "prior votes break a tie" thing, the stray votes have seemed unimportant, and this makes every decision a potentially important one! Eek! I'm geeking out here, people. This isn't all that exciting to forlorn Misty who watches the others climb into their boats and leave for their respective camps. Jeff tells Misty she has a machete, a bucket with some water she can't really use since she doesn't have fire to boil it and plenty of time to wonder why fate chose her to be left there. Then he claims to have just told her a clues as to the whereabouts of the Idol. America asks, "Say what?" Misty thinks he said she had to wonder why fate left her "behind," so maybe the idol is behind where they were all standing, but I didn't hear him say "behind" but maybe he meant "left" as in...to the left? I dunno. As the Spice Girls speed away from her, Courtney laughs, "She SO didn't wanna stay there." Uh, neither did you, chica.

BREAKING-IN

The Golden Girls get to their beach--their tribe color is purple, and their tribe seems to be named "Casaya." All the tribe names are names of different islands in Panama's Pearl Islands, but I'm not sure if that means each tribe is on their own island--other Pearl Islands include Mogo Mogo, Saboga, and Chapera, which were names of tribes in Survivor: All Stars, and I think they were all on the same island. Anyway, the Golden Girls arrive and immediately say a prayer of thanksgiving and ask God to look out for all the tribes, but maybe send an extra something-something their way, since they're the "older women." It's interesting how religion is so matter-of-fact and not a big deal in reality television. Faith exists so naturally in the lives of the contestants, on shows like Survivor, and Amazing Race, the way it never does on network TV (religion always has to be so high concept, the girl who talks to God, the drug-addicted minister, etc.) But on Survivor, characters are always praying, wrestling with their concepts of morality, and just plain talking about faith. Last year we had Brian who felt he couldn't say he didn't believe in God because his tribe was so spiritual--which was unfortunate, but fascinating and real. We've had Bible-thumpers and casual "is it fashion or is it faith" cross-wearers, we've had Mormons, Jews, Catholics--in Palau we had a quiet Muslim from Alabama, Ibrehim, and it was no big deal (well, except to James who should be Jim Bob). On Big Brother this summer, an Arab-American Muslim named Kaysar became a cult hero and a sex-symbol. I dig that. See, a scripted show would have to have all sorts of confrontation or whatnot to JUSTIFY having a character with real religious beliefs on the show, otherwise what's the point? And yeah, sometimes there IS conflict and weirdness associated with Survivors and their beliefs (like Vecepia claiming God was blessing her lies, oy!) But in our real lives, in addition to maybe our own beliefs, we work with people and interact with people who are doing this thing with their church this weekend, whose kids are doing this ceremony, who are observing this fast day, etc. I'm rambling, I know, I just think religious diversity is not nearly as scary as Network Execs probably think it is. I'd love to watch a show about people whose faith is a part of their everyday lives, even if it wasn't MY faith, but religious characters on TV are almost always lapsed, so they can have these moving epiphanies at certain holiday episodes, and then not be encumbered with any of it the rest of the season. Uh, okay...where was I? Ah yes, the Golden Girls...

Cirie gets nervous as soon as she sees the machete, fretting that the machete means they have to "clear the area" and once you clear the area, the things that used to live underneath the stuff you cleared are gonna come out, and she's not good with "things that used to live under leaves." Word, Cirie. Tina the lumberjill quickly takes charge of the tribe, starting a fire in no time (while singing "Disco Inferno," no less) and directing the building of the shelter. Ruth_Marie is more than happy to let Tina take the leadership role, "Tina has the MOST interesting background," Ruth Marie drawls, with her "nicest gal at the Country Club" vibe. When Cirie whines that she's afraid of leaves and what might be under them, Tina is bemused, "Did anyone tell her what show she was going on?" Heh.

Elsewhere, at Camp Viveros, the Frat Boys are decked in their green buffs and instead of doing anything useful, their playing some kind of mock-baseball because they're guys and I guess they have to prove they can hit a seashell with a stick in order to be mas macho enough to join the pack. I don't know. CBS again protects us from seeing even a hint of Austin's butt-crack. Then young Aras ropes Austin and Nick into this weird "energy" voo-doo deal where they al have their hands above each others hands and Aras keeps asking them if they "feel" anything happening, which they do not. Bobby watches from afar--Bobby don't play that. Nick isn't impressed with Aras, whom he finds "grandiose." The boys can't build fire so they cant boil water, and their shelter--can really even say they "built" it? They leaned some sticks against a tree. Austin laughs, "We don't have a clue what we are doing," and Nick jokes, "We don't want to peak on the first night." Oh, boys. AGGGGHHH!!! The Diving Pelican of DEATH has returned!!! But no one dies....yet.

The Spice Girls of "Bayoneta," clad in their blue buffs, aren't having much luck either on that whole, "get something accomplished" front. granted, they lost the challenge so they can't attempt to build a fire--although there was a time that CBS didn't hand OUT flint and people managed to rub sticks together and make fire, but, you don't have to spend much time with these three girls to know...yeah, that ain't gonna happen. Not that they're dumb, per se, just young and unfocused. They wander all over their beach, looking at every nook and cranny as a potential place to build a shelter as if they were browsing apartment listings on Craig's List. No one wants to make a decision though, so they just keep wandering. Courtney shrugs, "We were being women," but let's just remember for the record that the older women got their shelter set up FAST. Granted, they have a flipping lumberjill on their tribe but still. Sally the social-worker who wears her hair in Britneyesque braids is frustrated by their lack of progress. Then the trio stumbles upon a dead sea-turtle that had washed onto the beach. Courtney tries to convince the other girls that this is both weird and tragic, because, you see, turtles represent "mother" and "goddess" in Native American culture, so it's pretty odd that is would wash up on a beach where three girls are living on. Courtney sincerely insists, "It just seemed really significant," and draws a heart around the carcass while explaining that North America is called "Turtle Island" in some culture, while Danielle and Sally try to keep a straight face and dissuade her from wasting her energy by rolling the dead animal into the ocean for a proper burial. See? Speaking of spiritual diversity, here's a New Age nutbar. They don't mind the term New Age, right?

At "La Misa," the orange-buffed older men of the Lodge are in full-on, Bob Vila, Robert Bly, Tim Allen-mode, the fire is build, the shelter is coming along nicely and their having fun doing it, because it's like being in the Boy Scouts, or at least a beer commercial. Terry quickly forms an alliance with Dan, who confesses that he's not just a former NASA staffer, but an actual astronaut. Terry reveals in turn that he's not just an American Airlines pilot, but an ex-fighter jockey who used to fly F-14's. The military-types vow never to lie to one another. Bruce, the latest of Survivor's extremely rare Asian contestants, starts chopping wood with the machete while making dramatic martial-arts cries, and then he explains that he's doing a Samurai cut. And that's not me making a really clumsy, really bad racial-stereotype joke, that's just...Bruce. He's also very bossy, which seems unnecessary in the motivated tribe, I don't think he's long for this game if he doesn't tone it down. Especially chaffing at all of Bruce's order-giving is Shane, the one guy in the Lodge who's not especially having any fun. See, he came hear to quit smoking, and after having smoked three packs a day for 20 years...yeah, he's not feeling so good, and he's irritable and Bruce is yelling at him. Shane has words and phrases tattooed all over his body, and I haven't made any of them out. If you do, send them to me, I like to be informed. Of course, he's not NEARLY as cool as Lex, because he doesn't have an 8-ball with a knife through it, now THAT'S bad ass. Bruce smashes a coconut John-Belushi style, while Shane holds his head in pain. Oh Survivor, I've missed you so.

FIRST IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

The tribes are reunited on the Immunity Beach, and along comes exile Misty, who slept in the giant skull last night and ate worms for breakfast (giving her instant "awesome" status in my book when she shrugged and muttered, "not bad"). She had already told the viewers of her plan to pretend she found the Immunity Idol so when Jeff asks her how it went on the island shes says that being on the Island had it's advantages and Jeff says, "So you spend some time looking for the Idol," and she smiles, "Enough," which causes a flurry of raised eyebrows. Jeff unveils the Immunity Idol, which is a trio of shrunken heads on a pike--lovely! Each winning tribe will get one of the heads to symbolize Immunity. In this contest, the Survivors will swim out to this platform, climb this wood wall, jump into the ocean, swim to a boat. One person dives to unhook the boat, they paddle in and run to shore. When they reach the shore, they have to release this metal ring from a rope puzzle--its a brain teaser, and the map to solve it is buried in the sand, if you want to spend time digging for it. Then you fling the ring to catch a hook, pull on it, and release your tribe flag. Honestly, the jump off the wall was pretty harrowing, with people sort of flopping off and coming dangerously close to hitting the thing. Both the Golden Girls' Tina and one of the Frat boys struggle to release the boat. Tina eventually gets it, but either nick or Aras has to tag out and let either Aras or Nick dive down and release the boat. i think it was Nick who failed and Aras who bailed him out, but I'm not a hundred percent. The Lodge struggles with the paddle in, and the Frat is so far behind it looks hopeless for them, but the golden Girls get hung up on the brain teaser (Melinda feels it's helpful to spy on the other teams instead of either digging or working the puzzle, and it's not). The Spice girls go from worst to first and are followed by the Lodge, and then the Frat pulls ahead (Nick and Aras are both bleeding, so they earned it), leaving the Golden Girls to vote some one out. Jeff hands out the shrunken heads and Shane actually kisses the one the Lodge gets--man, I hope this is just something the CBS prop department came up. Jeff gives the actual pike to the Spice Girls since they finished first and adds, "Maybe it has a little extra spiritual power." And you just KNOW Courtney thinks that's true.

THE BUFF CONSPIRACY

Why four tribes you ask? I had reservations, but it actually allowed me to get to know everyone a little better, because of the small group interaction. When it's two tribes of nine, like we've had the last few years, it takes a while, sometimes the whole series, to figure out who some people are. Anyway, I read in TV Guide last season about how the Survivor buffs are this HUGE deal to some people, they collect them, they send CBS pictures with them being used for all sorts of wacky purposes--I just had no idea. So I'm putting forth the "buff conspiracy," that they had four tribes so they could have four buffs. Oh sure, laugh. That's what they WANT you to do!

THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND...NOW GET OUT

The Golden Girls must now decide who should go home, and Cirie knows she's no camping All-Star, but she doesn't want to be the first to go home. And you know what, neither CBS nor America is really crazy about the idea of a black woman being the first person booted off the show, two days into Black History Month. Honesty, Melinda seems to be just as weak as Cirie is, and less fun, but that doesn't come up, perhaps because Ruth-Marie and Melinda have some sort of Southern gal alliance already? Anyhoo, Tina gives Cirie a window of opportunity when she goes off to sit by herself with no explanation, causing the other three girls to start tossing around words like, "weird" and "odd." They are unaware that Tina is actually grieving the recent death of her only child, her son Charlie, who was killed in car accident at the age of 16 just four months ago. Tina was actually slated to go on Survivor : Guatemala and had to drop out. She chooses not to tell the other women this, however, which is understandable to us, but maybe not the best move in terms of Tribal politics, because all the others are seeing is somebody who doesn't want to belong to the group. Cirie is pretty much openly gunning for her, playing the "We could never beat her in an individual challenge" card about, oh 20 days too soon? I mean, at this stage, you don't eject strong players, it's ridiculous. Then Tina finds a huge fish flopping in the rocks and brings it in for the other girls to eat (Tina wisely exaggerates that she caught the thing with her bare hands) and Cirie volunteers to skin the fish to prove her worth to the tribe, but as Melinda says, "There's about a kajillion reasons to keep Tina and Cirie is the weak link." Hmm...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Tribal Council is in a cave this year, with stalagmites and everything--it "rocks," heh. Fire still represents life, no big shake-up there. When Jeff asks the girls how tough it's been, Melinda drawls honestly, "I'm currently in Panamanian hell." Cirie admits that this is the first time she's ever slept outdoors, which again causes much head-shaking from Tina but you know, city slickers have just as much right to try their luck at Survivor as the really good campers do--it's the politics that are important anyway. Judd did pretty well for his first camping trip last year, finishing in 6th place. Cirie then says, "For the people who are like me, on the couch--stay on the couch." To me, it was practically like Cirie broke the fourth wall and was speaking directly to ME. To all those of you who are always, "Christine, why don't YOU go on Survivor, you love it so much, I offer Cirie as my exhibit A, because that'd be me, the girl who's afraid of millipedes, afraid of leaves and refusing to eat the mussels even though she's starving and everyone going, "Why did she even COME here?" And you all would be embarrassed to admit I was your friend and/or relative, "You know that girl who cried and complained the whole first three days and was voted out first this year? I uh...sort of...uh...she's like a friend of a friend. Sort of." I have camped and I liked it but there was a tent and a bathroom with showers and a general store up the road so I could buy a soda. Don't hate me because I'm wimpy...Anyway, Cirie insists despite her limitations, she wants to do more, while Tina is confident about her ability to thrive out here. Ruth Marie praises Tina's early leadership of the tribe, while Cirie tries to downplay it, insisting that had Tina not been here, they would have eventually been able to make fire, build shelter and whatnot. Even Jeff scoffs a bit at that, then asks Tina if she feels like everyone is pulling their own weight, and instead of just targeting Cirie, Tina throws all three women under the bus, saying, "Not as much as I would like, I have a huge work ethic, and it feels like I'm always having to suggest that we get more wood or water in order to motivate them." This does NOT go over well, Melinda huffs, "Uh, it's not like Tina's out there doing all the work and we're taking naps." Tina goes down 3-1. She may have been awesome at the survival stuff, but she broke the biggest commandment of girl group politics: Thou Shalt Not Stand Out. Even if she WAS better than them at everything, well, she shouldn't have made it obvious. Jeff, being a guy, doesn't get it and scolds the ladies for booting the one person that knew what she was doing out here. Hey Jeff, the hardest work's already been done, right?

Tina finishes in last place, which is in ironic counterpoint to the last person named Tina who played Survivor, Tina Wesson, who won it all. That's ironic, right? Well almost, at least. This is also the first time since the Pearl Islands (season 7!) that last place has meant 16th place. Tina joins other sweet 16ers Sonya, who played a mean ukulele, socially inept Deb the prison guard, who didn't bond with her team, and crazy Diane the mail lady who ate those forbidden beans with Clarence, and tried to blame the whole thing on him even though it was her idea. In the Marquesas, Weird Peter claimed to have control of all of his bodily "holes," but shoulda kept his pie-one shut. In Thailand, preacher man John learned that being bossy can be a one way ticket to Survivor "Who?" status while in the Amazon, Ryan's strategy to be a ladies man hit a fatal snag when he was placed on a team of all guys, whoops. In the Pearl Islands, Nicole played too hard and plotted against Tijuana, who already had an alliance going, whoops. In Vanuatu, the older guys got rid of John P, who even I, the ultimate SUrvivor nerd, barely remembers. In Palau, Jeff "hurt his ankle" and asked to be voted out because he was a total wimp and a faker and last season in Guatemala, Brianna couldn't manage to click with Lydia, was neither crazy nor pretty enough to earn Jamie's favor and didn't even know what a "pick" was in basketball. I'm sure that all still keeps her up at night.EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Would you have pegged Tina as an India.arie fan? Me neither, but she is.

Next week: A major shake-up already? Go Survivor Exile Island! And Shane the detox-ing smoker flips out! Does that mean he's going next? Nah, my vote is for the crazy turtle-goddess chick, Courtney or Bossy Bruce. Isn't it nice to get these before the next show airs? Hey, I'm trying...

Peace, Out! :D

Christine