Survivor 11.9 "I think we're all gonna be liars before it's all over with."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Happy Thanksgiving. You know what I would be thankful for? One of those recap shows they used to do, so I'd have a chance to catch up on my reviews. I am two weeks behind! Oh well. You know what I AM thankful for? I DID NOT see Lindsay Lohan sing "Edge of Seventeen" on the American Music Awards. Yikes, stick to comedy, sweetheart, and leave the Stevie Nicks' covers to the professionals. I also have a kernel of a theory about why Amazing Race Family Edition sucks so very much: I think we're conditioned to judge couples (not all AR pairs are romantic couples, but the annoying ones usually are) "Oh MAN, I can't believe she just said that, and what's up with him doing that and I wouldn't say that and if you said that I SO would not have done THAT," and at the same time, conditioned to feel uncomfortable about judging families, "Wow! They are...very...well, it's really none of my business. I'm uncomfortable, what's on NBC?" Just a thought. And now, on to the Survivor Review...

JAMIE'S CRYING...AGAIN

It's night at Shazam! and Jamie is obsessed with Bobby Jon's comment at Tribal that he has "no class." So, class act that he thinks he is, Jamie proceeds to ignore his tribemates pleading for him to shut up, as he goes on and on about how Bobby Jon shouldn't have said that. Even his buddy Judd tells him not to bring it up again, and not to go to bed angry, but Jamie whimpers, "I'm not angry. My feelings are hurt." Awwww. Widdle Jamie's feelings are hurt. Then he continues, "My ACTIONS may have been no class, but calling me classless is like calling me white trash, Bobby Jon." If you descend into a spiral of shame and paranoia at the slightest hint of an insult...you might be a redneck, I guess. Bobby Jon sighs, "That's how I felt at that moment. Tomorrow, the sun comes up." Word. Or whatever Southern folk say when they mean "word." Damn straight? Anyway, Drama Queen Jamie goes on to say that it broke his heart to hear Bobby Jon call him no class. Broke. His heart. I feel a sudden wave of compassion for the poor girl that's gonna wind up in a relationship with paranoid, overly-sensitive and hard-of-hearing/understanding Jamie. Bobby Jon says softly, "Ah'm sorry. Ah don' mean tuh break anybody's heart." We know, Bobby Jon, we know. Everyone continues to tell Jamie to lighten up and get over it, and Jamie sniffles, "I don't understand how this wouldn't hurt you all's feelings." Um, they're grown-ups? "Dis is competition, man. You say tings dat you don't mean sometimes!" says Judd, the expert on blabbering. Classy Bobby Jon goes over to shake his hand and tells him he should always speak his heart. Hee hee--I just realized that Jamie probably went into another downward spiral when he saw Bobby Jon cast his vote on TV and say, "And no, you don't have any class. At all." Hee hee. And is it just me, or does Jamie seem stoned all the time? A fed-up Rafe vows, "If Jamie doesn't use this as an experience to learn and change from, then I'm gonna change up the game." You GO, boy. The next day, Judd and Steph sit on their perch and laugh about how great it is to have a 6-3 majority in the game, while Bobby Jon, Danni and Gary search frantically for the Hidden Immunity Idol that could save their butt. Then Gary gives us a football metaphor about how this one time, his team was down by 20 points and he three for 300 yards in the 4th quarter and they came back to win. Of course, he can't give Bobby Jon and Danni the football pep talk without blowing his cover, so he goes for a landscaping metaphor and sings a couple lyrics from Bette Midler's "The Rose."

SLING FOR YOUR SUPPER

The Reward Challenge is one in which everyone wins...something. The players have to use this metal sling to hurl an arrow at a target, and the closest to the middle wins the best meal--steak and lobster. But everyone will eat something. Each player only gets one throw. The winner also gets a clue to where the Hidden Immunity Idol is. This Reward is similar to the one in Survivor All-Stars, where Rupert made Shii Ann eat bread and water, or whatever and then Jenna got all bent because Shii Ann didn't let them all enjoy eating good food in front of her. Or something. Anyway, Judd gets the first throw, and it's a good one. Everyone tries, but nobody beats him. Naturally, Lydia sucks worse than anybody but in her defense, she's really not accustomed to having to do anything at challenges. Bobby Jon sucks too--don't know what's going on there. WHen all is said and done, the final order is: Judd, Cindy, Danni, Jamie, Steph, Gary, Rafe, Bobby Jon and Lydia. Then Jamie makes a dramatic request, "Since I had such bad actions yesterday, I'd like to take the last place meal and let everyone move up." Tepid, suspicious applause ensues as Jeff allows the change. "Sorry about yesterday, guys, Jamie mutters as he goes to the end of the line. Then sports agent Drew Rosenhaus crawls out from under a rock and takes back Jamie's entire apology, "There are players in Survivor that smuggle in beef jerky and lie about their not-dead grandmothers and they are not punished as severely as him," he huffs.

The meal is at a lodge where dogs freely roam about, horrifying non-dog people, while we dog lovers go, "Awwwww." Judd gets his steak and lobster at his own table, while everyone else sits across from him so they have to watch him gorge himself and get drunk (they give him an open bar). Cindy gets chicken and vegetables, Danni gets spaghetti and meatballs, and America is almost as happy as she is because they're having trouble seeing her when she turns sideways. Steph gets the hamburger Jamie would have enjoyed had he not grandstanded--er, I mean, apologized. Jamie pretends not to care, "Nothing tastes better than my self-respect." Yes, I'm sure it brings all the girls to the yard, Jamie. Jeff loses some me points when he claims that Jamie's blathering was "well-put." C'mon, Probst. Gary gets a slice of pizza, which will do little good--at this point, Gary looks like he just barely survived the Bataan Death March. Rafe gets a ham and cheese sandwich and is thrilled, Bobby Jon gets a baked potato and is grateful. Lydia gets all emotional, "I feel like a don't deserve it, even if it is one cracker," she insists. I happen to agree with her. The fishmonger fittingly gets a fish, and she gushes over Jamie's gesture. Jamie gets a rock (a bowl of nuts and some boiled lake water). Then Judd gets to invite one or two people up to his table to eat with him and share in the open bar and the desert menu. Judd the star-bleeper invites Steph and Bobby Jon to join him. Naturally, Jamie looks stoned and heartbroken. Judd gets wasted, which annoys Gary, "It was two hours of watching them gorge themselves and get drunk. That's not my idea of fun." Clearly, Gary never played for the Minnesota Vikings. And honestly, if I had to go 35 days without television, I think I'd rather enjoy two hours of watching Steph, Bobby Jon and Judd getting lit. To each his own. That night, a drunk-out-of-his-mind Judd staggers around and tells Bobby Jon, "I love ya like a fat kid love cake, brudduh," right before he accidently hits himself in the face with a giant log. WHen that tragic day comes and someone actually dies on a reality show, it'll be better for the network in question if the contestant wasn't drunk at the time on booze supplied by the producers of the show--I'm just throwing that out there, Business Affairs. In the previews, we were warned that Judd throws up in the shelter and Jeff's judgmental voice intoned, "...and one Survivor loses ALL Respect." In the actual episode everyone's like, *shrug* "Yeah, Judd threw up in the shelter." *shrug*

LIES AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Judd decides to share his clue to where the Hidden Immunity Idol is with Steph, who's nervous about being seen. THe clue basically says the Idol isn't on the ground, so Judd goes down and tells everyone else, "Duh clue said duh idol is definitely on duh GROUND, so don't any uh you be lookin' up in no trees, got it?" Judd is quite proud of his, uh, clever ruse. Elsewhere, Jamie and Rafe are playing some sort of game (not Uno) and Jamie keeps saying, "Don't screw me over, man, don't do it," which irritates Rafe. Rafe tells us he doubts the sincerity of Jamie's Grand Gesture at the Reward Challenge. Yay! Later, Jamie tells Gary that Bobby Jon will be the next to go, and Gary says, "I will vote with you today. I mean, I have to." What Gary is trying to say...and by trying to say I mean ACTUALLY saying, is that he will turn against Danni and Bobby Jon and vote whichever way the others are. Jamie completely misinterprets this and goes running to Cindy, Judd, Steph and Rafe and informs them that Gary just told him that Gary intended to vote for HIM, Jamie tonight. Steph sums ups the groups reaction, "...Huh." Steph elaborates, "We were like, are you sure you understood?" Because sometimes he's a little..." and she makes the universal sign for "koo-koo." Jamie shuffles off and grins, "I'm just being honest. I didn't want you to think anything shady was goin' on." Which of course sounds defensive, desperate and yes, shady." Steph whispers to the others that she can't stand Jamie and she's losing her patience with him. Rafe frets, "Maybe he's losing it a little bit out here, for real. Like in a real way." Steph fears that Jamie could ruin their plan and I start to feel hopeful that maybe...just maybe...Jamie will be ousted instead of Sweet Bobby Jon. Tree Mail arrives, informing everyone that they will need to keep their balance for this next game. Gary practices balancing all over the once-sacred Mayan Temple that's now Shazam!'s crash pad. Jamie tells Lydia that Gary told him he's voting for him tonight and Lydia's all "Dude, chill out." Jamie does not.

A DELICATE BALANCE

There's no nice way to put it, Danni is looking positively grotesque these days--ladies, body fat is our friend! The Immunity Challenge has the Survivors walking across a long balance beam and stooping to untie two wood planks. The first four to get across, Jamie, Steph, Rafe and Gary, move on to the next round. In that round, they have to move across a rope bridge using their two wood planks to stand on--it's tricky. Jamie and Rafe move on to the final round, which is one of those two-rope bridges where you walk across on one and hold onto the other and the ropes start vibrating and swaying. You see it on those military obstacle courses--it's really hard, which Rafe demonstrates when he is pitched head first into the water. It's a spectacular fall and of course, Rafe is good-natured enough to laugh along with the others. But Jamie winning immunity is no laughing matter--just when we had hope of losing him, it's back to the Magic 6 against the good people. Again. Steph even flat-out tells us that she had been serious about maybe dumping Jamie, but now they have to go back to the original plan. Except...not quite. It was going to be Bobby Jon but Jamie wants Gary out because Gary is going to vote for Jamie (not for real, but in Jamie's head, he is). Plus, he's head-gaming everybody, which is the really good reason to get rid of him. Steph complains that Gary is "always in game mode." A worried Gary goes to Steph and asks if he can still trust her. She looks at the ground and says yeah, so Gary demands she look him in the eye==and I'm not exaggerating, it was an ORDER, and Steph responds all, "Sir, yes sir, you can still trust me, SIR!" He asks to be told when it's his time to go and she give's him the old classic Survivor lie/dodge, "If I know, I'll let you know," as IF Steph isn't one of the shot-callers. Gary seems to believe slippery Steph when she tells him "the plan is Bobby Jon, then Danni, then you." Again, she dodges the truth by giving him the old plan instead of the new one, and she pretends to be helpless to prevent whatever's gonna happen. Gary goes off to look for the idol while Bobby Jon goes to Jamie and Judd and says he's cool with going home tonight, he just wants them to be aware that the "real threat" is Stephenie, and they're all, "Oh, WE know, she's not gonna get past us, no sireee." They also assure Bobby Jon that he's not the target tonight. I thought it was a little immature and disappointing of my beloved Bobby Jon to make a move against Steph, but then I remembered last season. Bobby Jon has now watched the episodes where Steph "swore to God" that she hadn't voted against him, when she totally had, and then later when she manipulated him into voting out Ibrehem instead of her. So, he's got issues with Steph. He warns us against falling for Steph's charm, athleticism and her "million dollar smile." Hey Loverboy, we weren't the ones duped by her last time. That was you, Mister Let Me Show You How To Build A Fire. And did you tell Brian you were voting him out that night? Just asking. Meanwhile, out in the jungle, Gary follows Judd and is rather surprised to see him looking up instead of down. Gary smirks, "It's pretty interesting that Judd was looking in the trees and not the ground, like he told us too." Yeah, it is, isn't it Gary HAWKINS. Don't look SO indignant. Gary strolls back into camp carrying his bag in a way that suggests there might be something...nah. He couldn't have....could he? Steph speaks for America, "That'd be AMAZING if he found it." Indeed.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Since everyone's lying to everyone else, Jeff decides to turn the screws and starts grilling them about their opinions about honesty. Danni says she's on the chopping block, she knows it, and she doesn't trust what anyone tells her. Rafe says, "You have to keep your focus, and not turn into an irritating, paranoid jerk like Jamie--sorry Jamie." Jeff asks Gary if you can lie in the game of Survivor and not be breaking some sort of moral code--this is a question that has plagued many a viewer as well as almost every player. For some, it's easy to say "It's a game, nobody gets offended when you bluff in poker." But is that really the same thing as lying to somebody's face about being their friend? I look at like one of those murder-mystery parties. I think when you go on Survivor, you have to view yourself as a character in a game, in a drama, and part of the game is lying and tricking people. I don't have a huge problem with it, in theory. But, I'm also a very sensitive person and if I was playing the game, I think I would take it very personally is I was lied to, so I get that it doesn't "feel" acceptable when it happens to you. Also, as Dave Chappelle once said, if there are degrees of murder, shouldn't there be degrees of lying? And doesn't our opinion of whether it was okay for a Survivor to lie depend on how we feel about the result? I laughed when Colby lied to Jerri and told her they were solid when I knew he was going to vote her out and I agreed with him when he said it was okay to lie to her, because she's JERRI. But when Lill lied to Rupert, and assured him she was on his side when she was actually plotting with Jon and Burton, I was outraged. So, it's all subjective, I think. Gary agrees with me, saying that everyone makes their own decisions about whether it's okay to lie and when and how much. He demonstrates how he's come down on the issue by looking Jeff straight in the eye and stone-cold lying, saying he hasn't told a single lie in the game. Gary HAWKINS, the LANDSCAPER and that's IT, has never told a lie in the game. The impressive part is he knows that Jeff knows he's a liar, and yet, you still almost believe him. This in comparison with a wide-eyed and nervous Judd, who sputters, "I uh, no man, I've never lied in dis game YET, but I uh, I might latuh, ya nevuh know," with all the conviction of a four-year-old claiming not to have eaten the cookies even though he's got chocolate all over his face. Cindy says she's surprised at how much she's grown to trust people out here, even though she feels that it's impossible to play the game without lying at all, "I think we're all gonna be liars before it's all over with," she shrugs. Then Jeff asks if anybody's found the Hidden Immunity Idol, which must be revealed before the voting starts, if its going to be used that night. There is much dramatic pausing to many dramatic drums...and then Gary Whatever-His-Name-IS comes up with the Hail Mary of Survivor, and takes out the Found Immunity Idol. Son of a gun. Jeff forbids anyone to talk and conspire, leaving the Magic Six uncertain of what's going to happen--which is funny because they all go to the next person in line and vote out Bobby Jon, but they all fret about it, "I dunno what's gonna happen..." Yeah, definitely some cracks there. Danni and Bobby Jon vote for Steph, while Gary throws a vote at Cindy. Next week, Jamie will claim that Gary's trying to "head-game" her with the vote, but I think Gary still has hope that Steph's an ally, same with former tribemates Rafe and Lydia, he didn't want to rile up Jamie or Judd, he didn't want to vote against his friends Danni or Bobby Jon (despite what he told Jamie) so Cindy becomes a very logical vote for him to cast. ANd damn it, even though I was thrilled when it looked like Bobby Jon was gonna stick it out at least a week longer, I wanted that Idol found, and for Gary to find it the day he NEEDED it to survive, and to find it by following Judd and catching him in his lie...it was just too awesome. Bobby Jon isn't upset at all, he smiles graciously as his flame is snuffed and tells Jeff, "Thank you very much, I enjoyed it." That's our classy Southern gentleman, Bobby Jon. His mother puts it best in the Family Moment when she says, "We are ALWAYS proud of you." Word. Er...shore nuff?

Bobby Jon is voted out in 9th place--one place better than his finish last year and remember, this is actually the first time he's been voted out. His fellow First Jurors consist of: Greg, who charmed us with his coconut phone, Alicia who waved her finger in many faces, Kelly who was as shocked as we were when Lex ousted her in a fit of misdirected paranoia (Jamie is but the learner, Lex was the Master), and John, whose aggressive nudity and arrogance made his weepy departure all the sweeter when Neleh and Pappy flipped the whole game around. In Thailand, we lost a girl named Erin who you don't remember and in the Amazon, the numbers just didn't add up for Dave, the self-proclaimed rocket scientist. Cute Ryan-O, friend of the pelican, was also a victim of numbers when he was sent packing and in Vanuatu, Sarge was stunned when Twila rejoined Ami's stupid estrogen brigade. Last season, Coby all but engineered his own exit by talking too much, which was cool because he was a very expressive and entertaining juror.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Although designated a "waiter" by CBS, Bobby Jon has a degree in print journalism and public relations, is also a model, and has been a lifeguard and personal trainer. Mmmm, Bobby Jon as my personal trainer, what a lovely thought. That'd get me back to the gym for sure. My favorite thing about Bobby Jon though is his list of favorite music: String Cheese Incident, 2Pac, Widespread Panic, and Merle Haggard. No one puts Bobby Jon in a corner! The boy's eclectic. God speed, Bobby Jon.

Peace :D

Christine

Survivor 11.8 "Am I a member of the axis of evil?"

BEFORE WE BEGIN

I continue to be a week behind in my reviews, and I apologize. I was sick for a couple weeks, and I haven't found the time to catch up. In the awesome news front, I won tickets to see Def Leppard and Bryan Adams at ARCO Arena up here in Sacramento. The show was on Thursday, and it truly ROCKED. And it was also hella cool to be caller 10 and hear myself freak out a little on the radio. So call in to the contests, you never know. I got an email from Terry D., who told me that Andrew Savage from Survivor Pearl Islands had auditioned for the gig. Terry thought Andrew met all my standards for a potential Jeff replacement, and I whole heartedly agree. Andrew was tough, fair, decent and I might add, ruggedly handsome. And he probably hates Lill more than I do, so there you go. And what about Hunter Ellis, who's actually hosting a cable show, "Man, Moment, Machine"? That's be pretty sweet. In the bad news department, I read this interview with Jeff online, where they were saying Jeff's girlfriend and Vanuatu's monotone Julie Berry was a potential replacement, gag. Double gag: "I finally met someone who could teach me about love," Probst said of Berry to People. "Julie's given me a sense of balance I've never had. It's like fingers interlacing." And I'm sure it's like, totally awesome that's she's young enough to be your daughter, Jeff. Blech. I always think it's tacky when people who've been married before say that their latest squeeze taught them how to love or whatnot. Take the high road. Even if it's true, don't dis someone who gave you years of their life in the press--the not rich, not famous years, I might add, Jeff. Also of note, Survivor has been renewed at least thru season 14. Saves me having to find a new show to write about until 2007. But let's get back to season 11, shall we?

LET'S GET, LET'S GET, LET'S GET LET'S GET MERGED

The Bobby Jons approach the Steph's camp in the dark of night. Good Gary says, "Huddle up. I mean, come over here guys. We've gotta be good guests and do whatever's asked of us and play stupid. Break!" The good tribe vows to stick together as best they can, but they're about to join the bad tribe. Bobby Jon makes a comment about how this is gonna be hard for him because he can't stand to be around Steph for more than 5 minutes without wanting to vomit. They are so Han Solo and Princess Leia, Sam and Diane, David and Maddie. I can't wait 'til they finally give in and make out. The Bobby Jons wake up the stunned Stephs. It's too dark to determine if anyone is sad that Amy's no longer in the game. Also, the infrared camera makes the red buffs appear blank, which is kinda neat. Everyone's thrilled with the new buffs, mainly because they don't stink. Bobby Jon gets the fire stoked up and then Lamey Jamie tries to stoke Bobby Jon by mocking, "There's no room in the shelter, I hope you don't mind sleeping outside, heh heh, I'm so hilarious." Bobby Jon tells us he's about ready to punch all of Jamie's teeth out--oh quit teasing me and DO it, Bobby Jon. It'd get you kicked off the show but it would be sooooo worth it.

(EVERYTHING I DO) I DO IT FOR IMMUNITY

The Bobby Jons all work hard to gather wood while the Stephs watch and Jamie sighs, "I don't think there's anymore wood to get, why don't you all sit down?" Brandon predicts that it's either him or Bobby Jon, and no, this isn't a misdirect, that's exactly what happens, unfortunately. Rafe and Lydia go to get tree mail, and rhapsodize about the Merge Feast the Stephs all feel entitled to. Lydia, it's Survivor, not a frickin' spa weekend. Oh, wait, for you it IS. UGH, she does nothing! Nothing! She doesn't even have a crazy animal graveyard like Jan did! Oh, and then Lydia reads the tree mail for the others with Rafe--way to contribute, forgive me for speaking to soon. They drop a very cool, and very straightforward twist on everyone--there's a six-inch Immunity Idol made of stone out there somewhere in the jungle. Find it, and you can use it any tribal council you want up until the Final Four. This is in addition to any Immunity earned at competitions. It must be presented BEFORE the vote at Tribal Council, and whoever finds it doesn't have to tell anyone that they did find it. SWEET! As straightforward as the tree mail is (it isn't even in poem form) everyone just stares at Rafe blankly and he has to tell them what he just said, using only one-syllable words. Maybe they COULD use some food. Anyway everyone goes nuts trying to find it, but it's like finding a needle in a haystack because they have no clues about it's whereabouts, only that it's "out there." Bad Gary tells us, "I wouldn't tell anyone if I found it--are you kidding? I haven't even told these people my real last name!" WHen he's talking to us, Gary always tries to sound like he's really smart, and he comes off dumb. Or maybe Gary Hawkins really IS smarter and more likable than Gary Hogeboom. After all, Gary Hawkins was never a Dallas Cowboy. During the search, Bobby Jon takes Steph aside and asks her if she can help him get to the jury, which seems a little un-Bobby Jon, but hey, Heather's gotta do for Heather. She says, "I'll do what I can, I mean, I totally want you on my jury...I mean, I want you on the jury with me...anyway, if Brandon doesn't win immunity, you're in." Which is kinda a nothing promise, but whatever. Then they hide behind some trees and make sweet love to each other. Okay, not really, but you know they wanted to.

HYSTERIA

Lydia greets everyone with a good morning, "Have you guys been thinking up any new names, or are you too tied from actually playing the game? Because this all I'm here for--let's dance! Let's paint a flag! Let's play Uno!" No one else really cares and Cindy sighs, "Why don't we just do what they do almost every year and take part of each tribe's name, and make them into one nonsense word that's potentially insulting to the culture they're in?" So they become Xhakum, which probably means Guatemala sucks in ancient Mayan, pronounced SHA-koom, so let's call them SHAZAM! Brings back some great Saturday morning memories, doesn't it? The doomed old Bobby Jons are too busy desperately searching for Immunity to help the comfortable Stephs paint the new flag, which winds up looking very much like an AYSO soccer team flag. ANd actually, Shazam! would be a pretty kick-ass name for a youth soccer team, if you ask me. Although kids today would probably be all, "No, we want to be Pokeman!" or whatever they're doing these days besides listening to really crap music. Lydia smiles, "Shazam! means to us that we are all one big happy tribe, so long as those doomed losers know their place and keep doing all our chores. Isn't it inspiring that I'm still here?" Sigh. Everyone else is consumed with finding the secret immunity idol. Bobby Jon tells us that one can drives themselves crazy looking for it, and Rafe gets attacked by a hive of hornet's during his quest. "I'm the worst person in the world when it comes to looking for things," Rafe laughs. Leaving America to once again ask each other, "Is Wilderness Guide a euphemism for...something else?" But I still love Rafe--he's sweet and well-meaning and unlike Lydia, he does compete...usually.

GIMME ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS! GIMME ALL THAT YOU GOT!

Steph and her cronies are obsessed with the Merge Feast that hasn't come yet. Steph says, "The idol is cool and all, but we're starving. Whatever. Survivor." Lydia and Jamie stand around complaining about how hungry and bored they are. Danni is fed up, "We had fun at our old tribe, all these people do is complain." It's especially irritating when we have to hear Lydia whining, "C'mon, two days since the merge already? Where's our feast?" Lydia, who hasn't done jack squat since she hiked in--to think I was happy when she outlasted Morgan and Brianna. I mean, okay, they sucked too but...Lydia is just working my nerves. Danni, Gary, Brandon and Bobby Jon go on a fishing trip, so they can get the hell away from all the negativity. Brandon comments, "It's like we're prisoners--we get to do their bitch work while they get to raid our resources we worked hard to get." Danni adds that they went through her things without even asking permission, as soon as they arrived in camp, and Bobby Jon spits, "Pigs!" As they paddle, Brandon mentions that Steph bitches about everything, and Bobby Jon mocks her wanting a Merge Feast, "You aren't gonna eat on Survivor. You didn't east the last time, and you aren't gonna eat the next time." Wouldn't it be funny if they brought Bobby Jon and Steph back for a third time? People would be so pissed. Anyway, the good friends joke that they should just keep paddling over to their old tribe and hang out like they used to, and Danni gushes that the three men are "the most wonderful people I've met in my entire life." Bobby Jon replies, "I say it right back--to all of you." WHY MUST THE GOOD PEOPLE BE DOOMED!?

While they're gone, the creeps eat all the food they brought with them--the stuff they won, like some honey and chocolate. Steph laughs, "We're evil," and Jamie pouts, "I don't care. They went fishing, it's a slap in the face." ANd yes, I think he's serious. Uh, being an ass to them since they arrived and rumaging through their things was a slap in the face, Jamie. Judd insists, "Dat was dumb, dem all goin tuhgeduh," and Jamie agrees, meaning, yes, they're compalining behind their backs about the fact that they're talking behind their backs. Or something like that. Judd jokes that they should just vote out whoever catches the biggest fish, and everyone laughs. Rafe is uncomfortable with his team's arrogance, "I had this sad realization...Am I a member of the Axis of Evil?" Yes, Rafe, you are. He disapproves of Their bashing people when they aren't around, but he keeps this between him and us, which is probably smart, since Jamie is paranoid and Judd is a bully. They reaffirm that they will get rid of Brandon, then Bobby Jon, then Danni, then Gary--why they don't see Gary as a threat yet, I have no idea, but that changes next week. Jamie raves about how they have to "protect their investment of blood and sweat." WHY MUST THE BAD PEOPLE BE SAFE!? Later, everyone gathers for some pool time--because their beach is so quicksandy, the pool is far out in the river, so everyone must canoe over together. Steph smiles, "It's nice to have this pool that we didn't win." Bobby Jon predicts that the Axis of Evil's fairy tale isn't gonna come true. I really, truly hope that's true. Later taht day, tree mail arrives, featuring a cool cartoon of a person trying to balance a pot on their head, and failing. It rules. Everyone practices.

POUR SOME SALT IN MY WOUNDS

Shazam! arrives at Yavin Base, where Jeff has prepared a lavish feast for them. Everyone looks excited and wary. Jeff takes the Immunity Idol, "This team Immunity Idol no longer has any value--except on EBay." He then asks everyone about the Merge, and Jamie repeats the fact that he told the newcomers that there was no room for them in the shelter and they'd have to eat outside. Bobby Jon glowers and spits when Jamie says this, and Steph gives Jamie a "Shut Up!" look, but Jamie just grins and shrugs. Bobby Jon is pure Bobby Jon, saying he'd never force his company on anyone, and he'd just as soon sleep outside with monkeys anyway. Then Jeff lays on them the mother of all twists. The Feast is only for those who choose to opt out of the Immunity Competition. If you compete, you don't eat. He gives them each a piece of jade and a nut, and they reveal to him which way they've decided--jade means they're competing, the nut means they're going to eat the feast in front of everyone. Rafe chooses to eat, while Gary and Bobby Jon choose to compete. Jamie picks food. Jeff seems really disappointed in Steph's decision not to play, and she at least has the decency to look mildy ashamed. Judd looks very surprised in his teammate's decision not to fight for Immunity--he and Cindy go it alone for the Axis of Evil, and of course Brandon and Danni are doomed so they opt to participate in the game. Oh and Lydia takes her usual seat on the sidelines when anything important is happening, no surprise there.

The competitiros stand on a wood block with the clay pots balanced on their heads. They'll do that for an hour and if more than one person is left, they'll move on to a tie-breaker. The arrogant jerks start eating, and have the nerve to do that "Mmmm, this is SO good," crap. Shut up. Then Jamie starts talking. Jeff asks him what's going on and Jamie starts ballbering, "Bobby Jon and Brandon know they're on the chopping block--I think Judd's protecting our lead, and I respect him for it...Steph, could you pass the steak please?" Judd gives Jamie a look of death, while Bobby Jon and Jamie go back and forth, "I thought we were one tribe." "You know that's not true." "I know." "Then why did you say that raht now?" "Becasue I can. And I will. And I want to." Jeff is rather shocked Jamie's audacity in smugly revealing the 6-4 split in the tribe and reveling in it over supper. Judd keeps flexing his fist and giving Jamie the Maaaagret look as Jamie goes on, "You know you needed to win," to Bobby Jon who shoots back, "I ain't gonna let you big boy me though." After half an hour, Lydia says, "Good job, Judd! Rafe, would you pass the bread?" Judd spits. Jamie sneers, "How're you doin' Bobby Jon, good?" Jeff is stunned by Jamie's bad behavior, and Rafe looks physically ill as he implores Jamie to just enjoy the food. Steph tries to calm Rafe down as he whispers, "I feel bad. It doesn't seem right to say we're in power and the four of you are screwed." Steph rolls her eyes, "Trust me, it's better than having Tom telling you he's gonna try to try to keep you in the game. Bastard. This is MY TIME!" Rafe crawls under the table and starts shaking. Danni's pot falls off her head before the hour's up, everyone else advances to the tie-break. The well-fed feast creeps have the gall to applaud. Shut up! >:( The tiebreak is a race up the steps of one of the temples, with the pot on your head. Gary wins. He takes the pot off of his head, spikes it on the ground and shouts, "That's how we do it in the NFL! I mean...LOOK! A crocodile!"

F-F-F-F-FOOLIN'

Back at camp, Jamie vows, "I swear, I'm not eatin' agin unless everyone is." Judd tells Jamie it wasn't the eating that ticked him off, it was all the talking he did while they were trying to concentrate on balancing pots on their heads. Elsewhere, Cindy tries to defend her team, "It's not like we said, 'welcome to our camp, you're screwed.' I mean, you are, but we didn't SAY it. I mean, until Jamie did just now." Danni answers, "It's just Jamie. He's an ass, y'know?" Oh, Cindy knows. Jamie is Survivor's answer to Terrell Owens--paranoid, mouthy, insecure. Rafe frets, "I cannot respect myself, and go far in this game with Jamie." Well, then freakin' do something, Rafe. Rob came to the same decision in the Amazon, when he, Jenna, Sling Heidi and Alex were sunbathing while Butch, Christa and Sir Matt worked and worried. He flipped and ousted Alex because he was an outsider at heart, and couldn't stand being part of a mean clique. I love Rafe, but right now, he's all talk.

Judd and Steph tell Bobby Jon that they're sick of Jamie's bluster, and they're tired of telling him to cool it. Bobby Jon calls their bluff, "It's all over. I mean, whatever. Give him the million dollars, you know?" Steph and Judd insist Jamie's not gonna win, which gives Bobby Jon a glimmer of hope. Then he tells us that he when he was standing on the platform at the challenge, he was fantasizing about hitting Jamie over the head with his clay pot. Bobby Jon and I are of one mind. CBS supplies a helpful insert of two colroful parots trying to kill one another to represent Jamie and Bobby Jon's bickering. Nicely done. Later, Jamie is telling Bobby Jon and Barndon that they know they're targets because they're athletes. Bobby jon says he looks at people's character more than he does their physical capabilities. Jamie tries to get Bobby Jon to say that he'd send Jamie home if he could, but Bobby Jon doesn't bite. He keeps insisting he knows he's on the chopping block, and Jamie keeps telling him, "Brandon's on the chopping block." Brandon stands there the whole time looking sad. It comes off crass, but I really do think Jamie is trying to be honest here. He doesn't want Brandon to be blindsided, but because he's Jamie, it comes off like he's taunting Brandon instead of helping him. Jamie slinks off, and Bobby Jon tells Brandon that Jamie's probably the one going home, becaude Judd and Steph "as much as said so." Er...but they didn't really SAY so, did they? Urk. Brandon is encouraged, "If it went like that I'd crap my pants!" Before Tribal Council, the two friends grind corn meal together. Brandon jokes, "I bet I'm better at crushing corn than you are," and Bobby Jon smiles back, 'Is that a challenge?" I just heart them. Why, Survivor? WHY? Then they head out for Tribal Council. Since Bobby Jon already tried to lobby Judd and Steph, Gary takes a crack at Rafe, "If we do what's right, Jamie goes home." Rafe whines, "Where does that leave US, though?" Us meaning the Axis of Evil, so yeah, Rafe you answered your own question. Yo're a member. An irritated Gary replies, "Still in power, dumbass!" Danni tries to sway Cindy, and Cindy admits that she likes Bardnon a lot better than she does Jamie. Seriously, there was so much hope for Brandon in this episode that you KNEW he was doomed...

CAN'T STOP THIS THING WE STARTED

Jeff starts out by asking if anyone was surprised at Jamie's being such an ass at the challenge, but of course, nobody was. Rafe says he didn't want it to turn into an "us vs. them" thing, though he knows that was naive, "This is a game about numbers, but it's also about respecting people, and I get upset when we don't do that." ME TOO. Jeff asks Bobby Jon to expound on Jamie's behavior and Bobby Jon labels it "no class." Jamie huffs, "I have class. He can think what he wants. I'm gonna be the bigger man---" "Man, just SHUT UP. I mean, GOD," Bobby Jon interrupts, sounding not unlike Napoleon Dynamite. It would be too much to ask for Jamie to actually stop talking, and Jamie says that no class would be passing up ona shot at immunity but not taking it because you have the numbers. WHich proves Bobby Jon's point because that's exactly what Jamie did when he chose not to fight for immunity and instead ate the Merge Feast. It was only on the third viewing of this that I actually understood what Jamie was talking about, by the way. He's bringing up the fact that when Rafe had the power to give anybody immunity, Bobby Jon didn't ask for it. So Jamie wasn't even there, and doesn't know how it went down, but he's nevertheless accusing Bobby Jon of being too prideful to ask for it. Nobody asked for it, not Brian who needed it that night and not Gary who Rafe wound up giving it too. Jamie tries to draw a parallel between Bobby Jon evicting Brian and Jamie's gunning for Brandon etc., which would be valid except for the fact that nobody ever taunted Brian. Jamie claims that nobody should say he doesn't have class and that he never disrespected Bobby Jon like that, "We'll see who's the bigger man on the playing field," he sniffles. To quote Bobby Jon, "Whatever." I hope it involves cutting a rope with a rock. Jeff shakes his head in disgust at Jamie--I'll bet Jamie's the reason Jeff's even contemplating leaving, I've never seen him react like that (even his outrage at Osten's quitting always seemed a little faux to me). Then Jeff asks the forgotten Cindy how SHE felt during the challenge, when everyone from the "Magic Six" (Jeff's scornful nickname for the Axis of Evil) was rooting on Judd while she stood with a clay pot on her head for an hour watching them wallow in food and their own decadence. Cindy replies, "Ah can eat whin ah git home, but ah'll never git to do this ever agin." YEAH! Unless of course, she's annointed by Mark Burnett, like Steph and Bobby Jon. Steph actually looks tearful as Cindy admits it was hard to compete so hard and have her efforts go unnoticed, "Ah stood there as long as Judd did, and it was like, do they have any faith in ME? Am I an idiot for standing up here?" Nope, you're just a better person than the company you're keeping. If I had a Big Board like Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football does, Cindy, Rafe and Judd would all have green upturned arrows, while Jamie would have a downturned red arrow. Gary suggests everyone vote their hearts and not their minds, "Your mind can play tricks on you," Says Gary, The Walking Lie. And Cindy raises our hopes when she says that morality does come into play when casting her vote, but it's all for naught. Jeff asks if anyone wants to produce the Hidden Immunity Idol, no one does, and Brandon goes out 6-4. Jamie makes of point of saying "classy" things when he casts his vote for Brandon. When Bobby Jon marks his ballot for Jamie he declares, "Part of having Southern pride is being a Southern gentleman and no, you don't have any. class. at. all." Yee Haw! A Southern Man don't need him around anyhow! :D Sweet Hunk Alabama! Brandon looks sad as he leavesbut he's proud of the way he played, and he should be. He leaves Danni (and a few viewers, sniff) in tears when he whispers to her, "You're the sister I never had." Awwww. In his SUrvivor Family Moment, his adorable grandma insists that it hasn't been "nearly as sexciting without you here." Awwwww. Happy trails, farmer Brandon!

Brandon is booted in 10th place, that unfortunate spot between the Merge and the Jury. In season one, good Gretchen learned too late that the other tribe had organized, while much of hers Including her, I THINK) voted for their own tribemates (Yes, Jenna was THAT annoying). In Australia, Jeffy Jeff was undone by information that Kimmi had slipped to the other tribe--too bad for him he didn't really even TRY to get immunity. In Africa, Clarence outlasted his usefulness to Big Tom and his clique, and finally paid for eating those beans on day one or two and in the Marquesas, Boston Robb wasn't so much a godfather as he was a stooge on his first Survivor go-around. Thailand's Shii Ann flipped too quickly on her unfriendly tribe, and they cut her loose after the Merge that wasn't a Merge while the Amazon's Roger learned a seemingly obvious lesson too late: some guys would rather hang out with hot chicks than with his bossy ass. In the Pearl Islands, Big Whiny Osten quit and Shawn was dispatched when those lousy losers won the challenge that led to Lill the martyr and Burton the bully being allowed back into the game--causing a net loss of players of zero so I count Osten and Shawn as tied for 10th place with the next week's evictee, Andrew, who was almost as fond of coach-speak as Bobby Jon. In Vanuatu, Crazy Rory was silenced--sadly before he could make good on his vow to burn down the girl's camp. Last year, sweet Bobby Jon was eliminated when Steph built a fire faster than he did.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Brandon once climbed a 1000 ft. radio tower in order to conquer his fear of heights. That's pretty cool. He also lists National Geographic and Playboy as his favorite magazines--I thought boys stopped pretending they liked National Geographic once they were old enough to get Playboy. Oh well.

Peace! :D

Christine

Survivor 11.7 "I have open, festering sores. And it sucks."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Last week I contemplated who might take over Jeff's job if he really leaves, and I forgot to mention Alicia from Australia--she'd be pretty good, I think. The thing is, it's not that easy of a job. Jeff is both friend and authority figure, judge and confidante...I dunno who could pull it off. Plus, he's adorable and hunky and if they stick a girl in there, I'm gonna have to turn to the contestants for crushes and there's not always a Bobby Jon in the bunch, I'm just saying. Well, I'm still behind so let's get to it...

AFTERMATH

At Camp Steph, Judd "tanks" everyone for voting out Margaret. Lydia speaks for everyone when she says, "I'm just glad that it's over," but Judd doesn't take the hint and continues to bellow on and on about MAAAAGRET, and how she was the mother on the old tribe and couldn't deal with it when she didn't have the same role on this tribe. A still inebriated Judd gloats, "Hopefully I'll be laughin all duh way to duh bank while Maagret's still at home makin chicken wings or somethin'." Yeah or being a good mother to her kids or at the free clinic helping people get well. Ugh, Judd. The tribe looks weary of Judd's bluster as he continues, "Someone's gonna bad-mouth me, I'm not gonna sit dere like a little wuss and take it, blah blah blah, Judd, Judd, JUDD!" Jamie tells us that he likes the fact that Judd's size and his mouth scares people, and that's why he wants to keep him close, "If I take him to the Finals, I'd get all the votes, because he's gonna keep blowing up." Hmmm, Jamie seems to be learning how to play this game.

I'LL SHOW YOU YOURS IF YOU SHOW ME MINE

Meanwhile, at Bobby Jon, everyone is comparing bruises and wounds. THe Bobby Jons have these really gross ones that the Stephs don't, which I'd attribute to all the swimming, maybe? Bobby Jon isn't bothered by his rotting flesh, knowing he's gotta, "Be tough, and know that there's a gold rush waiting at the end of the rainbow." Man, I heart Bobby Jon, and all his sports cliche's and mixed metaphors. Remember, there are no mirrors in Survivor unless they want to gross you out by your own weight loss, so AMy asks Brandon whether she looks as bad as they do, and he points out where all her scrapes and bruises are on her face, "Makes you look tough, I say." I don't hate Brandon anymore, by the way. I think because he's friends with people I like and he doesn't like whiny Jamie. Brandon laments, "I have open, festering sores. And it sucks." Reason 19 why I'll never be a contestant on Survivor. Open, festering sores. Yee.

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

The reaction to Smart Brian's ouster is minimal. The Reward Challenge is tedious. It's more a high school youth group ice-breaker than it is a challenge, and it just goes on forever. One person wraps themselves in material like mummy by winding around a pole, then they're helped over to another pole and they wrap themselves around another member, and so on, and then the group has to unwind, and as the people come free, they race to a mat. The winners get a Mayan Chocolate feast and a zipline tour of the jungle. Judd sits out for the Stephs. The Stephs suck and the Bobby Jons win. Jeff is especially irritated at the Stephs, "You fell, you couldn't get up, you panicked...I got nothing for you."

The Bobby Jons go on their zipline tour, which everyone loves except Amy, who's scared of heights. She frets so much, she actually irritates the zipline crew--when she worries, "What if I get stuck in the middle?" this one dude barks, "YOU CAN'T!" Everyone oohs and aahs about the once-in-a-lifetime look at Guatemala, and then a rainbow leads them to their Willy Wonka-worthy chocolate party, where they all eat candy and candied fruit until they get sick--it's so much fun, you'd almost think they weren't doomed...

DEAR STEPHS, PLEASE COME TO MY POOL PARTY! LOVE, DANNI

It's Danni's birthday, and she wants to have a pool party, so they row over to the other tribe in order to invite them. Gary warns everyone, "I want everyone on their best behavior--no negative comments. Bobby Jon, don't make me have to separate you and Jamie." "Yes, pa." THe Stephs are playing UNO with a deck of cards that Rafe fashioned from some leaves--face it, he's more cruise director than wilderness guide. Suddenly, they here the Bobby Jons hollering for them to come down to the docks. Jamie doesn't want to go, nor does an oddly grumpy Cindy, who sniffs, "I'm just really not interested in their silly little game playing." When they get to the dock and they hear about the party, Judd is truly stoked, and he implores the rest of the tribe to come with him to the party. With the left-over chocolate from the reward they didn't win? You'd think the rest of his tribe was being dragged to their own execution. Jamie moans, "Ah don't even lahk them people so ah don' understand why we're going." Cindy adds, "Just don't let them sway you with their peace offerings!" Oh, okay, I get it. Cindy has abandonment issues from Judd's betrayal of her and the other girls, and so she's worried that there'll be another realignment after the merge, and she'll be left out. But Cindy, being irritable and defensive will not help people WANT to keep you around, just FYI. Lighten up.

Lydia, Rafe and Steph are very huggy with the other tribe, and everyone's mood improves when Danni brings out the extra chocolate. Steph tells us this is the main reason she came, "Hell yeah, I'll go in your pool and I'll eat your chocolate!" See Jamie and Cindy? You can just USE their kindness and generosity, you don't really have to like them. Bobby Jon does his best Jeff Probst imitation when he says that the ancient Mayan chiefs used to gather and talk and smoke, even when they were at war. So they're gonna go swimming in their pool and eat chocolate--just like the Maya used to do...sorta. Steph chats up Danni, comparing stories about their families and whatnot. Steph is wise enough to know that this is potentially, her jury. Jamie just doesn't get it. He sits off by himself and sulks and pouts, and tells us, "I'm here for business and everyone else should be also." Uh, the game is also about relationships, dumbass. Your plan to bring Judd to the end will backfire if you continue to be such an ass that no one likes you. At least Judd's over here being sociable. When deciding who to give a million dollars to, one might say, "Well at least Judd was willing to talk to me." Anyway, everyone's having a good time until Jamie gets up and insists they have to leave and get firewood or whatever and everyone else is all, "Zuh?" but they all do the baby's bidding and leave. Steph is all, "Dude you were being so shady," and Jamie splutters about how he's gonna wait to like these people until after the game is over, and how it made him sick to see how friendly everyone was. Then as they're rowing back he sniffs, "I'm still sticking to our plan." and Steph shoots back sarcastically, "I'm not gonna stick to it 'cuz we went to a pool party." Heh. Jamie whines, "Well you can vote my ass out if you want to! Waaahh!" Everyone else is all, dude, chill the hell out. Steph tells us that Jamie worries her because she doesn't know where his head is at. She says there may be a clash between the two of them down the road. We can only hope.

A TALE OF TWO GARYS

Bobby Jon laughs in the pool as little fish nibble at the decaying flesh on his shoulders. Then he tries to catch them with his mouth. Is he...is he crazy? Yeah. Elsewhere, Amy and Gary talk about the challenge--they know if they lose, that one of them will be going home. Amy tells Gary that if she finds out that he really is a former NFL quarterback, and that he's been lying to her this whole time, she will use all her cop skills and resources to hunt him down and, "beat him down like a stepchild." Whoa, maybe Steph needs some company in that sensitivity course I'm sending her to. So then we get bad Gary bragging to us, like an IDIOT, that AMy can look far and wide for years and years and never find Gary Hawkins, because he's not real. Um, you're saying all this on a TV show that she's watching right now and you're both going to be at reunion, jackass. Seriously, do ANY of these people watch the show? Gary is really two different people: There's Good Gary, the one who the players all seem to adore and respect and listen to. I love that Gary, the way he encourages his team to be good sports, the way he plays hard. And then there's the Bad Gary, the dumb guy that does the interviews with us who thinks he's like, James Bond because he lied about his last name. I'm so sick of Bad Gary I want him to go home, but...I like Good Gary and want him to stay. It's confusing! ANyway, the Bobby Jons psyche themselves up for the next competition because they need to win it if they're gonna merge at 5 all.

LET'S NOT BELABOR THIS

Okay, so everyone's all beat to hell and it's time for the last Team Immunity Challenge. 3 people from each team race out to haul these giant puzzle pieces back to their team--some have to be dug out of the sand. Then two different people will assemble the puzzle. THe runners are Brandon, Danni and Bobby Jon vs. Cindy, Judd and Jamie. The Stephs go out to a big lead. At one point Jamie throws one of the pieces into Steph's leg, because he's a spaz. Steph says, 'We had a huge lead, we just suck at puzzles." No wait, that was last time, this season, she and Rafe assemble the puzzle before Amy and Gary. I was very bummed because I like the five Bobby Jons better than I like almost all of the Stephs. Seriously, I think I might like Rafe a little better than Gary but other than that...oh well. Oh and of course nobody is surprised that Lydia once again did NOTHING whatsoever. Lydia really sucks. She contributes nothing and yet she always has this smug little smirk on her face like we should just be so proud of her or something. I mean, there are always people who don't do all that much: Mean Katie didn't do anything last year, but she made up for it by being mouthy and controversial. Same thing with Scout in Vanuatu, she was a CHARACTER, she rubbed some people the wrong way, she was interesting. The ultimate do-nothing Vecepia (ultimate because she won all the marbles) at least freaked me out with her self-serving interpretation of Christian doctrine. Lydia is like, not even in most episodes, she's like one of those people on "Lost," who they only show in shadow because she's not one of the stars. Man, she just sucks. And the further she gets, the madder its gonna make me.

AMY THROWS A HAIL MARY

Amy is devastated because she knows she's the most likely target tonight. She tries to lobby Danni, reminding her that the merge is soon if not imminent, and she says that no one out here can outwit her, "Ah you kiddin' me?" Danni gives her a glimmer of hope when she confesses that Bobby Jon wants to be on the jury so badly that she'd hate to vote him out...and yet....neither woman finds it especially fair that they got a second chance in the first place. Amy goes to Gary and tells her they have a shot at ousting Bobby Jon, but Gary tells her, "Look, I have to show loyalty to Brandon and Danni, so I'm voting for you unless you can get Danni to flip on Bobby Jon. I'm sorry but, Gary Hawkins looks out for just one person: Gary Hogeboom." "What?" "Uh...Hey, look! A monkey!" And Gary runs away. Elsewhere Bobby Jon is fretting because he knows there is a chance for him to go home. "I want to make it to the jury--to me, that would be a lifelong dream come true." Lifelong? Dude, the show's only been on for 5 years. Danni confers Brandon, and they are both torn because they both do feel that Gary and Amy are a little more deserving, since Bobby Jon already had his chance and blew it. And yet they've made promises to Bobby Jon. Brandon laments Survivor and the tricks it plays on one's soul. Oh Survivor, she is a cruel mistress.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

It's not very exciting, since everyone is bummed out and no one wants to say anything bad about anyone else. Amy says, "This the bomb, right heeyuh. I love these guys." When Brandon says that the hardest thing to justify is picking an alliance member over someone who's more deserving, Bobby Jon starts to sweat. He casts his vote for Amy, gushing, "You're the strongest, most real person Ah met in my entire lahf. I won't meet a person as real as you EVER!" Martha Stewart should hire Bobby Jon to write more sincere kiss-off letters on her "Apprentice" show. Amy is out 4-1, and she gives hugs all around. Her exit speech is of the "I made great friendships and learned a lot about myself" variety, and her Family Moment shows a bunch of folks who all seem fun. Aw, Amy. This is the first one to really HURT, and with the Bobby Jon's outnumbered, it won't be the last. Jeff gives them one more surprise--he hands them new red buffs and tells them they are merging tonight....Game On.

Amy is ousted in 11th place, historically the last person out before the Merge. In season one, Joel was booted for laughing at something Gervase said, and I guess for seeming condescending, though he was right about that whole, we need to stick together or perish after the Merge stuff. Too bad Pagong didn't listen, as they were soon Pa-Gone. In Australia, Michael was airlifted out of the game after he passed out and burned his hands, while in Africa we lost Lindsay's foul mouth and foul mood in one sweet, sweet day. Gina could only go as far as 11th in the numbers game of Marquesas, and Dumbb Robb and his silly skateboard were put out of our misery in Thailand. Survivor's first hostage, Shawna was set free at this point in the game, as was Trish, who stupidly plotted against Rupert in the Pearl Islands. In Vanuatu, John K. went when Sarge picked age before gender, a move Sarge grew to regret when Twila didn't make the same choice. Last season, there was no Merge, and quite hunk Ibrehem was reluctantly voted out by this year's twists, Bobby Jon and Steph.

RANDOM LOSER FACT
Amy used to play professional football! And no, she doesn't go by the name Amy Hawkins to cover it up. She's also a big fan of the Amazing Race--maybe she could go on it in a future season. I'll bet even the most die-hard AR purist wouldn't mind, not after that Debacle of Suckitude that is Amazing Race Family Edition. But with my luck, they'd have Amy go with Judd instead of her husband, so never mind.
Sorry I've been so late, I've had a virus.

Peace!
Christine :D

Survivor 11.6 "I wouldn't consider myself a bad sportsmanship."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

There's a nasty rumor out there that next season will be Jeff Probst's last one--he wants to do other things. This devastates me. And worse, they say the most likely replacement will be a former female contestant. If it's Rich Jenna, who hosts the Internet Talk Show on CBS.com, I'll jump out a window (kudos to those who remember I made the same empty threat on the eve of her victory on the Amazon. Help me out here people, what former contestant could pull this off? I'd vote for Colby myself, but if they're going girl...Krazy Kath? Kelly Wigglesworth? Steph? Amber? Jerri??????

Also, I think I would like to live in a Target commercial.

FALLOUT

Brandon doesn't feel good about the decision the others made to dump Blake instead of Brian. Brian, naturally, feels otherwise. Brandon asks Bobby Jon if he's regretting the decision now, Bobby Jon says eh, sorta but not really.

FREAKIN MAAAGRET, MAN

Judd and Jamie, who've developed a weird Yogi and Boo Boo vibe of late, complain about the freaking mosquitos, man, and all the irritating jungle noises. When Judd bitches about the mosquitoes buzzing in his ear, Jamie whines, "Yeah dude, just bite me and go, you know?" Judd nods, "Dat's what I say." Cindy says the bugs are worse than in Florida, and you know that's bad. I have no desire to ever visit Florida because I've never met anyone who has ever been to Florida that does not involve finding a very large bug in a very unexpected place--usually on their own person. Dear Rafe, who seems to be trying to be a gracious host to us whenever he talks to us, has grown weary of Margaret's negative energy. He thinks the rest of them all get along great. Margaret tells us that she was much higher on the food chain of the old tribe, but she insists that she hasn't given up and that she's just waiting for an opening. Um. Okay Margaret, if you say so, but when Rafe can't say something nice about you, I think you're heading in the wrong direction in search of that "opening," FYI.

GIANT BALL LIVES!

The Stephs get their first look at the new Bobby Jon, and their are many smiles at Blake's absence--only Cindy looks unthrilled. Jeff tells everyone that the reward is a worth-playing for BBQ, with burgers, hot dogs, root beer and real beer. But there's a twist--both teams will vote somebody out this time. The tribe that wins the BBQ will compete for individual immunity, and that winner will sit in on the other tribe's council. And then he unveils the coolest thing of all: The Return of the Giant Ball! We haven't seen giant ball since his Africa days--I guess when you're as awesome as Giant Ball, you only show up when they're having a really hardcore Survivor. In Africa, the teams had to steer him around a course, or something. I'm too lazy to look up the details on my own blog, but anyway, in this season's game, two-person teams try to push the ball to the other teams goal while the other team does likewise. This is gonna come as a complete shock to you all but Lydia sits out for the Stephs. In the first round, Amy and Danni defeat Steph and Cindy. Then Judd and Jamie defeat Brandon and Bobby Jon. Brandon runs at the ball so fast at first that he bounces right off of it--silly boy, the giant ball does not yield. By the way, this is one of those contests, ala the tug-o-war, that is guaranteed to the team with Judd on it, period. Anyway, Jamie screams in victory, causing Bobby Jon to go chest to chest with him, and they both look like strutting monkeys, pounding their chests. When I watched this initially I thought Bobby Jon may have yelled, 'That's not nice!' But in reviewing, I think he said, "That's what I like to see right there, That's what I like!" Closed captioning pretended not to hear anything--deaf people seriously miss out when watching Survivor, CC doesn't even TRY to keep them up to speed. But back to the screamy boys, everyone else is all "??!" about the whole thing. Next up, Judd and Steph beat Gary and Amy, and Amy gets run over by Giant Ball and she re-hurts her ankle. But the next round is two girls vs. two girls and the Bobby Jons only have her and Danni, so they have to go again, and they defeat Margaret and Cindy. Amy yells in victory, and then Cindy goes chest to chest with her yelling, 'That's what I like to see right there, that's what I like!!" No, wait, she just pouts. In the deciding round, Judd and Jamie best Brian and Bobby Jon, and Jamie gives a subdued salute to either God or a heaven-dwelling relation.

CAN WE BAG THE BAGS?

The Bobby Jons are sent home while the Stephs compete in their idividual immunity contest. The first part involves running out into a field and untying these bags of tiles and bringing them to a station, one by one. ENOUGH with the untying of bags! It has grown tiresome this year. Then they have to unscramble the lettered tiles to pell a two-word phrase. Judd can't even manage to untie his bags, and he's very scared that Margaret might win immunity, so when he sees Rafe struggling, he mutters desperately, "Ancient Ruin, man, Ancinet Ruin!" And Rafe sighs, "Yes, Judd, I realize we're in the shadow of an ancient ruin and it's very exciting but right now I'm trying to...Oh! Got it!" So Rafe, the person least in need of immunity, wins immunity.

AFTERMATH

Danni blame their defeat on the fact that the other tribe is simply bigger, which I think is true. Judd's team was gonna win. Of course, it doesn't help that Danni weighs less that most 12 year olds. Unlike the Stephs, Brandon thinks Bobby Jon's "smackdown" of Jamie was awesome. Bobby Jon feels he put Jamie in his place and reminded him, "...there's another bear out in the woods too." The Original Steph Bobby Jon's start to fracture: brian tells Gary he's going to make a move against Bobby Jon, but Gary thinks that's not the way to stay strong as a team--nor is being loyal to the old tribe. Uh oh. Amy's worried that she's the weak link due to her ankle, and tries to keep her pain on the downlow. When Brian told her to elevate it...was he being concerned, or did he want her to appear as gimpy as possible, in order to make him look more valuable. Knowing Brian, it's probably a little of both.

BBQ OF LIES

Jamie remarks that Bobby Jon "Hit a new nut level." Rafe asks Steph sincerely, "Is he...is he crazy?" "Crazy gorgeous, maybe," Steph sighs and then covers, "I mean, yeah, he's a total psycho and I have a boyfriend." Jamie attributes the altercation to his and Bobby Jon both being crazy Southerners. Hey, no argument here. Judd and Jamie are confident that Margaret is going home tonight and that she knows it. Have you all noticed the weird Yogi and Boo Boo vibe that Judd and Jamie have developed? Judd puffs out his chest and tells us proudly, "I ain't goin' home, dey need me. I'm one uh duh big guns heyuh, man. I can do whatever I want!" I so hoped this was one of those Aesop's Fable episodes of Survivor, but it so wasn't. Anyway, Rafe gives Judd his lunch money--I mean, his beer, and then Steph trades her beer for one of Judd's hotdogs. Eventually, there are too few beers--someone had too many, probably the big drunk guy who's math is probably shaky sober. At first Judd blusters around, "Ah don' understand! Whoever drank duh beer is goin' home t'night!" Then he tells us that he doesn't care if he took too many beers because he deserves it, "You wouldn't be eatin' dis freakin' hotdog if it weren't fuh me!" And, since he can't edit himself, he then brays in front of the whole tribe, "Hey, yuh know what? Everyone can just kiss my ass and I hope you enjoyed yuh hotdog and yuh hambuhguh!" Judd--he looks like Meathead, but he sounds like Archie Bunker. The real sad part of the whole thing is he's probably right--he is the sole reason they won the reward. But Cindy mutters to us that Judd's attitude will eventually come back to bite him, and I think she's right. They'll ride him to the merge, but he'll make a nice easy target once the game turns individual.

TRIBAL COUNCIL, PART ONE

Sadly, that day is not today, but at least we get one of the most lively, heated, entertaining Tribal Councils ever--certainly among those in which the outcome was never really in doubt. Judd starts out defending his decidion to trade food for beer (he'd do it any day, fyi) and Margaret is rolling her eyes. Jamie blows off his bizzarre altercation with Bobby Jon. Then Jeff asks Margaret whether they're good sports, and she primly throws Judd and Jamie under the bus, which infuriates Judd, "It's not like we're bad sportsmanships at all--we go out dere and give 120 damn percent, man. I give my damn all, man!" Jeff points out that you can give your damn all and still be a jerk, which further riles up Judd--even Jamie tries to get him to simmer down, but he's on full boil. He says they scored a winning touchdown, and they're gonna keep "driving it to them." Then he sneers at Margaret that she "probably never played a damn sport in yer life!" And I mean, who the hell cares? This was Mean Katie's one valid point last season--An unatheltic person has just the same right to win Survivor as an athletic person does. And Margaret IS an athlete, but, nothing she says matters anymore, because Judd is Giant Ball, and he's headed downhill, and there's no stopping him. "You should just shut up," he barks. Margaret shrugs, nonplussed, "This is what it's like trying to talk to Judd." Jeff grins, "Judd, you look like if I would let you, you'd go over and strangle Margaret right now." So he does, and Margaret becomes the first person to ever be murdered at Tribal Council. Then Judd tries to wrest immunity away from Rafe but...no, really the only crime Judd commits is against the English language when he once again insists, "I wouldn't considuh myself a bad sportsmanship! I love everyone on dis team except fuh Maaagret." Then, when Margaret claims that "Judd only listens to Judd," Judd polls the group, asking whether or not he listens to them when they talk and he literally cuts each of them off after they get out two or three words, which Margaret aptly labels as bullying, but everyone else is just wanting this night to be over, as Judd then prattles on and on about how Margaret apparantly labeled him as having "A.D.D." within moments of meeting him. I'm uncertain if Judd even knows what Attention Deficit Disorder actually is, but anyway, he doesn't like being told he has it. Jeff tries to move on and Judd cuts him off and goes on to say that Margaret was mad to be stuck on a team with him and she never got over it. Judd stands up several times during all this, which I don't think I've ever seen anyone do at Tribal Council. Margaret shoots back that Judd flipped sides too fast. Jeff asks Steph if she can trust Judd, considering he switched his loyalty so fast. Steph says, "This is a NEW tribe, duh, Jeff. What's he supposed to be like, "Oh I'm not gonna talk to you guys becasue my old tribe isn't on my tribe anymore? That's retarded!" Oh...Steph. Onto the vote and Judd hisses menacingly at Margaret as he votes for her, "Get OUT, NOWWW!" Margaret snips, "Judd, you are profane and totally rude and you do not deserve a million dollars." Hey lady, this is America, we let all sorts of rude profane people be millionaires, come on now. Cindy wisely votes for her pal Margaret--it placates Judd and hey, you never know, it worked for Tina! Judd of course is delighted. Margaret's husband and two sons will be happy to have her back, they say in their message--it's sad that they're gonna have to watch her get treated so shabbily.

Margaret is cut down in 13th place, where we lost a weak and pukey Ramona in Season One. 13 was also unlucky for Jerri pal Mitch, who was a victim of Colby's turn to the good side (yes, I just called saving Keith a good thing). In the Marquesas, buxom Sarah may have been Boston Rob's ace in the hole, but a tribe switch-up had her shuffled off the island. In Thailand, Drama Queen Ghandia screamed her way out the game, and in the Amazon, Joanna was eliminated for being bossy and "old" and weird when it came to that Immuntiy Idol. In the Pearl Islands, Bully Burton was dispatched but he'd unfotunatley be let back in by the worst twist in the game. In Vanuatu, Bubba was kicked out by the ladies when the tribes were shook up, and last season we lost Angie, the Illustrated Girl from New Orleans--I hope she's okay.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Margaret is one of eight kids! Also, she donates some of her time and talent at a free medical clinic, which is very cool. The thing I found the most interesting though (as well as the most distressing) was that she lists UB40 as her only favorite music group. Wow, maybe Judd's on to something.

TRIBAL COUNCIL, PART TWO

Rafe stays behind to watch the other Tribal Council--and man, it would have been WAY more fun if one of them got to watch that last one. Rafe is revelaed to the others as the winner of the individual immunity, raising some eyebrows as some ask themselves, "What that hell kind of competition was this?" They'd proably be even more surprised to learn that it was a puzzle and Judd was the guy that actually solved it. Jeff asks Bobby Jon about his weird altercation with Jamie, and he blows it off. Jeff asks Gary if the other team are good sports and he says basically yes, even though Jamie has a tendency to talk some trash their way. Brian insists he's an athlete as well as a strategist and "when it's time for me to bring out the physical, I will." Well, the time was sadly this afternoon, and you didn't, Brian. Bobby Jon brings smiles to all when he descrbes Brian's strenghs thusly, "If you need a kamikaze to bust a wedge, this is the man that's gonna do it. This boy is constantly thinking Survivor. He's just a good 'ol boy--he'd be a good neighbor." Awwww, shucks. Danni adds that he's a gentleman and that he's classy. Then Amy once again defends her heatlh, saying the ankle's fine. Brandon heaps praise on her for being so tough and determined to win despite her pain. Bobby Jon laments the fact that no one on the tribe deserves to leave, and then Jeff reveals that Rafe will be able to assign his immunity to somebody else, but he will write it down and secret and it will not be revealed until after the votes have been tallied. Brian is ousted 5-1. He casts his vote with a smug jab at Bobby Jon, "This would be the outwit part of out wit, outplay, outlast." But Brian, you were the one who was outwitted. Bobby Jon had you so buttered up you never saw it coming. Bobby Jon is in coach-mode as he puts Brian on waivers, "You're a great kid, with a ton of heart, you've done a terrific job, and you should be proud of yourself." Brian's last hop is rafe's immunity but, naturally, he gave it to his fishing buddy, Gary. Brian gives handshakes and hugs as he leaves, and insists to us in his exit interview that that's how he wanted to go out--to be blindsided by people who were really playing the game. He's such a big Survivor nerd, I almost believe him. His parents do his Family Moment, it's not remarkable.

Brian leaves the game in 12th place, where devout Dirk hit the skids in Season One, a victim of Rich and the very first alliance. In Australia, Kimmi the vegetarian got a little too precahy with her tribe and also, she stopped bathing herself. In Africa, smug and crazy Silas fell victim to Survivor's very first tribe shake-up, while in the Marquesas, ditsy Gabe was too interested in creating a Utopia to pick sides, causing everyone to mistrust him. Stephanie the boring firefighter managed to make it this far, as did plucky New Yawker Jeanne, stabbed in the back by Heidi after a tribe switcheroo. Forgettable Michelle went home in the Pearl Islands once her protector Burton was out, and in Vanuatu, Lisa was ousted by evil Ami, for something Ami inferred into something Lisa sort of said. Last season, the incredibly shrinking tribe had to cut loose James who should've been Jim Bob.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Brian has written term papers on "Survivor," kids today, I swear. He lists Matchbox Twenty as his favorite music group--who the hell admits that!? But most interesting of all is until I read Brian's bio, I thought my younger sister Jessica was the only person on Earth who might list "Clue" as their favorite movie. I stand corrected.

Also, Brian is the first contestant in this year's show who I'll actually miss now that they're gone.

Peace! :D

Christine