Survivor 11.7 "I have open, festering sores. And it sucks."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Last week I contemplated who might take over Jeff's job if he really leaves, and I forgot to mention Alicia from Australia--she'd be pretty good, I think. The thing is, it's not that easy of a job. Jeff is both friend and authority figure, judge and confidante...I dunno who could pull it off. Plus, he's adorable and hunky and if they stick a girl in there, I'm gonna have to turn to the contestants for crushes and there's not always a Bobby Jon in the bunch, I'm just saying. Well, I'm still behind so let's get to it...

AFTERMATH

At Camp Steph, Judd "tanks" everyone for voting out Margaret. Lydia speaks for everyone when she says, "I'm just glad that it's over," but Judd doesn't take the hint and continues to bellow on and on about MAAAAGRET, and how she was the mother on the old tribe and couldn't deal with it when she didn't have the same role on this tribe. A still inebriated Judd gloats, "Hopefully I'll be laughin all duh way to duh bank while Maagret's still at home makin chicken wings or somethin'." Yeah or being a good mother to her kids or at the free clinic helping people get well. Ugh, Judd. The tribe looks weary of Judd's bluster as he continues, "Someone's gonna bad-mouth me, I'm not gonna sit dere like a little wuss and take it, blah blah blah, Judd, Judd, JUDD!" Jamie tells us that he likes the fact that Judd's size and his mouth scares people, and that's why he wants to keep him close, "If I take him to the Finals, I'd get all the votes, because he's gonna keep blowing up." Hmmm, Jamie seems to be learning how to play this game.

I'LL SHOW YOU YOURS IF YOU SHOW ME MINE

Meanwhile, at Bobby Jon, everyone is comparing bruises and wounds. THe Bobby Jons have these really gross ones that the Stephs don't, which I'd attribute to all the swimming, maybe? Bobby Jon isn't bothered by his rotting flesh, knowing he's gotta, "Be tough, and know that there's a gold rush waiting at the end of the rainbow." Man, I heart Bobby Jon, and all his sports cliche's and mixed metaphors. Remember, there are no mirrors in Survivor unless they want to gross you out by your own weight loss, so AMy asks Brandon whether she looks as bad as they do, and he points out where all her scrapes and bruises are on her face, "Makes you look tough, I say." I don't hate Brandon anymore, by the way. I think because he's friends with people I like and he doesn't like whiny Jamie. Brandon laments, "I have open, festering sores. And it sucks." Reason 19 why I'll never be a contestant on Survivor. Open, festering sores. Yee.

LIVING IN A MATERIAL WORLD

The reaction to Smart Brian's ouster is minimal. The Reward Challenge is tedious. It's more a high school youth group ice-breaker than it is a challenge, and it just goes on forever. One person wraps themselves in material like mummy by winding around a pole, then they're helped over to another pole and they wrap themselves around another member, and so on, and then the group has to unwind, and as the people come free, they race to a mat. The winners get a Mayan Chocolate feast and a zipline tour of the jungle. Judd sits out for the Stephs. The Stephs suck and the Bobby Jons win. Jeff is especially irritated at the Stephs, "You fell, you couldn't get up, you panicked...I got nothing for you."

The Bobby Jons go on their zipline tour, which everyone loves except Amy, who's scared of heights. She frets so much, she actually irritates the zipline crew--when she worries, "What if I get stuck in the middle?" this one dude barks, "YOU CAN'T!" Everyone oohs and aahs about the once-in-a-lifetime look at Guatemala, and then a rainbow leads them to their Willy Wonka-worthy chocolate party, where they all eat candy and candied fruit until they get sick--it's so much fun, you'd almost think they weren't doomed...

DEAR STEPHS, PLEASE COME TO MY POOL PARTY! LOVE, DANNI

It's Danni's birthday, and she wants to have a pool party, so they row over to the other tribe in order to invite them. Gary warns everyone, "I want everyone on their best behavior--no negative comments. Bobby Jon, don't make me have to separate you and Jamie." "Yes, pa." THe Stephs are playing UNO with a deck of cards that Rafe fashioned from some leaves--face it, he's more cruise director than wilderness guide. Suddenly, they here the Bobby Jons hollering for them to come down to the docks. Jamie doesn't want to go, nor does an oddly grumpy Cindy, who sniffs, "I'm just really not interested in their silly little game playing." When they get to the dock and they hear about the party, Judd is truly stoked, and he implores the rest of the tribe to come with him to the party. With the left-over chocolate from the reward they didn't win? You'd think the rest of his tribe was being dragged to their own execution. Jamie moans, "Ah don't even lahk them people so ah don' understand why we're going." Cindy adds, "Just don't let them sway you with their peace offerings!" Oh, okay, I get it. Cindy has abandonment issues from Judd's betrayal of her and the other girls, and so she's worried that there'll be another realignment after the merge, and she'll be left out. But Cindy, being irritable and defensive will not help people WANT to keep you around, just FYI. Lighten up.

Lydia, Rafe and Steph are very huggy with the other tribe, and everyone's mood improves when Danni brings out the extra chocolate. Steph tells us this is the main reason she came, "Hell yeah, I'll go in your pool and I'll eat your chocolate!" See Jamie and Cindy? You can just USE their kindness and generosity, you don't really have to like them. Bobby Jon does his best Jeff Probst imitation when he says that the ancient Mayan chiefs used to gather and talk and smoke, even when they were at war. So they're gonna go swimming in their pool and eat chocolate--just like the Maya used to do...sorta. Steph chats up Danni, comparing stories about their families and whatnot. Steph is wise enough to know that this is potentially, her jury. Jamie just doesn't get it. He sits off by himself and sulks and pouts, and tells us, "I'm here for business and everyone else should be also." Uh, the game is also about relationships, dumbass. Your plan to bring Judd to the end will backfire if you continue to be such an ass that no one likes you. At least Judd's over here being sociable. When deciding who to give a million dollars to, one might say, "Well at least Judd was willing to talk to me." Anyway, everyone's having a good time until Jamie gets up and insists they have to leave and get firewood or whatever and everyone else is all, "Zuh?" but they all do the baby's bidding and leave. Steph is all, "Dude you were being so shady," and Jamie splutters about how he's gonna wait to like these people until after the game is over, and how it made him sick to see how friendly everyone was. Then as they're rowing back he sniffs, "I'm still sticking to our plan." and Steph shoots back sarcastically, "I'm not gonna stick to it 'cuz we went to a pool party." Heh. Jamie whines, "Well you can vote my ass out if you want to! Waaahh!" Everyone else is all, dude, chill the hell out. Steph tells us that Jamie worries her because she doesn't know where his head is at. She says there may be a clash between the two of them down the road. We can only hope.

A TALE OF TWO GARYS

Bobby Jon laughs in the pool as little fish nibble at the decaying flesh on his shoulders. Then he tries to catch them with his mouth. Is he...is he crazy? Yeah. Elsewhere, Amy and Gary talk about the challenge--they know if they lose, that one of them will be going home. Amy tells Gary that if she finds out that he really is a former NFL quarterback, and that he's been lying to her this whole time, she will use all her cop skills and resources to hunt him down and, "beat him down like a stepchild." Whoa, maybe Steph needs some company in that sensitivity course I'm sending her to. So then we get bad Gary bragging to us, like an IDIOT, that AMy can look far and wide for years and years and never find Gary Hawkins, because he's not real. Um, you're saying all this on a TV show that she's watching right now and you're both going to be at reunion, jackass. Seriously, do ANY of these people watch the show? Gary is really two different people: There's Good Gary, the one who the players all seem to adore and respect and listen to. I love that Gary, the way he encourages his team to be good sports, the way he plays hard. And then there's the Bad Gary, the dumb guy that does the interviews with us who thinks he's like, James Bond because he lied about his last name. I'm so sick of Bad Gary I want him to go home, but...I like Good Gary and want him to stay. It's confusing! ANyway, the Bobby Jons psyche themselves up for the next competition because they need to win it if they're gonna merge at 5 all.

LET'S NOT BELABOR THIS

Okay, so everyone's all beat to hell and it's time for the last Team Immunity Challenge. 3 people from each team race out to haul these giant puzzle pieces back to their team--some have to be dug out of the sand. Then two different people will assemble the puzzle. THe runners are Brandon, Danni and Bobby Jon vs. Cindy, Judd and Jamie. The Stephs go out to a big lead. At one point Jamie throws one of the pieces into Steph's leg, because he's a spaz. Steph says, 'We had a huge lead, we just suck at puzzles." No wait, that was last time, this season, she and Rafe assemble the puzzle before Amy and Gary. I was very bummed because I like the five Bobby Jons better than I like almost all of the Stephs. Seriously, I think I might like Rafe a little better than Gary but other than that...oh well. Oh and of course nobody is surprised that Lydia once again did NOTHING whatsoever. Lydia really sucks. She contributes nothing and yet she always has this smug little smirk on her face like we should just be so proud of her or something. I mean, there are always people who don't do all that much: Mean Katie didn't do anything last year, but she made up for it by being mouthy and controversial. Same thing with Scout in Vanuatu, she was a CHARACTER, she rubbed some people the wrong way, she was interesting. The ultimate do-nothing Vecepia (ultimate because she won all the marbles) at least freaked me out with her self-serving interpretation of Christian doctrine. Lydia is like, not even in most episodes, she's like one of those people on "Lost," who they only show in shadow because she's not one of the stars. Man, she just sucks. And the further she gets, the madder its gonna make me.

AMY THROWS A HAIL MARY

Amy is devastated because she knows she's the most likely target tonight. She tries to lobby Danni, reminding her that the merge is soon if not imminent, and she says that no one out here can outwit her, "Ah you kiddin' me?" Danni gives her a glimmer of hope when she confesses that Bobby Jon wants to be on the jury so badly that she'd hate to vote him out...and yet....neither woman finds it especially fair that they got a second chance in the first place. Amy goes to Gary and tells her they have a shot at ousting Bobby Jon, but Gary tells her, "Look, I have to show loyalty to Brandon and Danni, so I'm voting for you unless you can get Danni to flip on Bobby Jon. I'm sorry but, Gary Hawkins looks out for just one person: Gary Hogeboom." "What?" "Uh...Hey, look! A monkey!" And Gary runs away. Elsewhere Bobby Jon is fretting because he knows there is a chance for him to go home. "I want to make it to the jury--to me, that would be a lifelong dream come true." Lifelong? Dude, the show's only been on for 5 years. Danni confers Brandon, and they are both torn because they both do feel that Gary and Amy are a little more deserving, since Bobby Jon already had his chance and blew it. And yet they've made promises to Bobby Jon. Brandon laments Survivor and the tricks it plays on one's soul. Oh Survivor, she is a cruel mistress.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

It's not very exciting, since everyone is bummed out and no one wants to say anything bad about anyone else. Amy says, "This the bomb, right heeyuh. I love these guys." When Brandon says that the hardest thing to justify is picking an alliance member over someone who's more deserving, Bobby Jon starts to sweat. He casts his vote for Amy, gushing, "You're the strongest, most real person Ah met in my entire lahf. I won't meet a person as real as you EVER!" Martha Stewart should hire Bobby Jon to write more sincere kiss-off letters on her "Apprentice" show. Amy is out 4-1, and she gives hugs all around. Her exit speech is of the "I made great friendships and learned a lot about myself" variety, and her Family Moment shows a bunch of folks who all seem fun. Aw, Amy. This is the first one to really HURT, and with the Bobby Jon's outnumbered, it won't be the last. Jeff gives them one more surprise--he hands them new red buffs and tells them they are merging tonight....Game On.

Amy is ousted in 11th place, historically the last person out before the Merge. In season one, Joel was booted for laughing at something Gervase said, and I guess for seeming condescending, though he was right about that whole, we need to stick together or perish after the Merge stuff. Too bad Pagong didn't listen, as they were soon Pa-Gone. In Australia, Michael was airlifted out of the game after he passed out and burned his hands, while in Africa we lost Lindsay's foul mouth and foul mood in one sweet, sweet day. Gina could only go as far as 11th in the numbers game of Marquesas, and Dumbb Robb and his silly skateboard were put out of our misery in Thailand. Survivor's first hostage, Shawna was set free at this point in the game, as was Trish, who stupidly plotted against Rupert in the Pearl Islands. In Vanuatu, John K. went when Sarge picked age before gender, a move Sarge grew to regret when Twila didn't make the same choice. Last season, there was no Merge, and quite hunk Ibrehem was reluctantly voted out by this year's twists, Bobby Jon and Steph.

RANDOM LOSER FACT
Amy used to play professional football! And no, she doesn't go by the name Amy Hawkins to cover it up. She's also a big fan of the Amazing Race--maybe she could go on it in a future season. I'll bet even the most die-hard AR purist wouldn't mind, not after that Debacle of Suckitude that is Amazing Race Family Edition. But with my luck, they'd have Amy go with Judd instead of her husband, so never mind.
Sorry I've been so late, I've had a virus.

Peace!
Christine :D