Survivor 11.8 "Am I a member of the axis of evil?"

BEFORE WE BEGIN

I continue to be a week behind in my reviews, and I apologize. I was sick for a couple weeks, and I haven't found the time to catch up. In the awesome news front, I won tickets to see Def Leppard and Bryan Adams at ARCO Arena up here in Sacramento. The show was on Thursday, and it truly ROCKED. And it was also hella cool to be caller 10 and hear myself freak out a little on the radio. So call in to the contests, you never know. I got an email from Terry D., who told me that Andrew Savage from Survivor Pearl Islands had auditioned for the gig. Terry thought Andrew met all my standards for a potential Jeff replacement, and I whole heartedly agree. Andrew was tough, fair, decent and I might add, ruggedly handsome. And he probably hates Lill more than I do, so there you go. And what about Hunter Ellis, who's actually hosting a cable show, "Man, Moment, Machine"? That's be pretty sweet. In the bad news department, I read this interview with Jeff online, where they were saying Jeff's girlfriend and Vanuatu's monotone Julie Berry was a potential replacement, gag. Double gag: "I finally met someone who could teach me about love," Probst said of Berry to People. "Julie's given me a sense of balance I've never had. It's like fingers interlacing." And I'm sure it's like, totally awesome that's she's young enough to be your daughter, Jeff. Blech. I always think it's tacky when people who've been married before say that their latest squeeze taught them how to love or whatnot. Take the high road. Even if it's true, don't dis someone who gave you years of their life in the press--the not rich, not famous years, I might add, Jeff. Also of note, Survivor has been renewed at least thru season 14. Saves me having to find a new show to write about until 2007. But let's get back to season 11, shall we?

LET'S GET, LET'S GET, LET'S GET LET'S GET MERGED

The Bobby Jons approach the Steph's camp in the dark of night. Good Gary says, "Huddle up. I mean, come over here guys. We've gotta be good guests and do whatever's asked of us and play stupid. Break!" The good tribe vows to stick together as best they can, but they're about to join the bad tribe. Bobby Jon makes a comment about how this is gonna be hard for him because he can't stand to be around Steph for more than 5 minutes without wanting to vomit. They are so Han Solo and Princess Leia, Sam and Diane, David and Maddie. I can't wait 'til they finally give in and make out. The Bobby Jons wake up the stunned Stephs. It's too dark to determine if anyone is sad that Amy's no longer in the game. Also, the infrared camera makes the red buffs appear blank, which is kinda neat. Everyone's thrilled with the new buffs, mainly because they don't stink. Bobby Jon gets the fire stoked up and then Lamey Jamie tries to stoke Bobby Jon by mocking, "There's no room in the shelter, I hope you don't mind sleeping outside, heh heh, I'm so hilarious." Bobby Jon tells us he's about ready to punch all of Jamie's teeth out--oh quit teasing me and DO it, Bobby Jon. It'd get you kicked off the show but it would be sooooo worth it.

(EVERYTHING I DO) I DO IT FOR IMMUNITY

The Bobby Jons all work hard to gather wood while the Stephs watch and Jamie sighs, "I don't think there's anymore wood to get, why don't you all sit down?" Brandon predicts that it's either him or Bobby Jon, and no, this isn't a misdirect, that's exactly what happens, unfortunately. Rafe and Lydia go to get tree mail, and rhapsodize about the Merge Feast the Stephs all feel entitled to. Lydia, it's Survivor, not a frickin' spa weekend. Oh, wait, for you it IS. UGH, she does nothing! Nothing! She doesn't even have a crazy animal graveyard like Jan did! Oh, and then Lydia reads the tree mail for the others with Rafe--way to contribute, forgive me for speaking to soon. They drop a very cool, and very straightforward twist on everyone--there's a six-inch Immunity Idol made of stone out there somewhere in the jungle. Find it, and you can use it any tribal council you want up until the Final Four. This is in addition to any Immunity earned at competitions. It must be presented BEFORE the vote at Tribal Council, and whoever finds it doesn't have to tell anyone that they did find it. SWEET! As straightforward as the tree mail is (it isn't even in poem form) everyone just stares at Rafe blankly and he has to tell them what he just said, using only one-syllable words. Maybe they COULD use some food. Anyway everyone goes nuts trying to find it, but it's like finding a needle in a haystack because they have no clues about it's whereabouts, only that it's "out there." Bad Gary tells us, "I wouldn't tell anyone if I found it--are you kidding? I haven't even told these people my real last name!" WHen he's talking to us, Gary always tries to sound like he's really smart, and he comes off dumb. Or maybe Gary Hawkins really IS smarter and more likable than Gary Hogeboom. After all, Gary Hawkins was never a Dallas Cowboy. During the search, Bobby Jon takes Steph aside and asks her if she can help him get to the jury, which seems a little un-Bobby Jon, but hey, Heather's gotta do for Heather. She says, "I'll do what I can, I mean, I totally want you on my jury...I mean, I want you on the jury with me...anyway, if Brandon doesn't win immunity, you're in." Which is kinda a nothing promise, but whatever. Then they hide behind some trees and make sweet love to each other. Okay, not really, but you know they wanted to.

HYSTERIA

Lydia greets everyone with a good morning, "Have you guys been thinking up any new names, or are you too tied from actually playing the game? Because this all I'm here for--let's dance! Let's paint a flag! Let's play Uno!" No one else really cares and Cindy sighs, "Why don't we just do what they do almost every year and take part of each tribe's name, and make them into one nonsense word that's potentially insulting to the culture they're in?" So they become Xhakum, which probably means Guatemala sucks in ancient Mayan, pronounced SHA-koom, so let's call them SHAZAM! Brings back some great Saturday morning memories, doesn't it? The doomed old Bobby Jons are too busy desperately searching for Immunity to help the comfortable Stephs paint the new flag, which winds up looking very much like an AYSO soccer team flag. ANd actually, Shazam! would be a pretty kick-ass name for a youth soccer team, if you ask me. Although kids today would probably be all, "No, we want to be Pokeman!" or whatever they're doing these days besides listening to really crap music. Lydia smiles, "Shazam! means to us that we are all one big happy tribe, so long as those doomed losers know their place and keep doing all our chores. Isn't it inspiring that I'm still here?" Sigh. Everyone else is consumed with finding the secret immunity idol. Bobby Jon tells us that one can drives themselves crazy looking for it, and Rafe gets attacked by a hive of hornet's during his quest. "I'm the worst person in the world when it comes to looking for things," Rafe laughs. Leaving America to once again ask each other, "Is Wilderness Guide a euphemism for...something else?" But I still love Rafe--he's sweet and well-meaning and unlike Lydia, he does compete...usually.

GIMME ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS! GIMME ALL THAT YOU GOT!

Steph and her cronies are obsessed with the Merge Feast that hasn't come yet. Steph says, "The idol is cool and all, but we're starving. Whatever. Survivor." Lydia and Jamie stand around complaining about how hungry and bored they are. Danni is fed up, "We had fun at our old tribe, all these people do is complain." It's especially irritating when we have to hear Lydia whining, "C'mon, two days since the merge already? Where's our feast?" Lydia, who hasn't done jack squat since she hiked in--to think I was happy when she outlasted Morgan and Brianna. I mean, okay, they sucked too but...Lydia is just working my nerves. Danni, Gary, Brandon and Bobby Jon go on a fishing trip, so they can get the hell away from all the negativity. Brandon comments, "It's like we're prisoners--we get to do their bitch work while they get to raid our resources we worked hard to get." Danni adds that they went through her things without even asking permission, as soon as they arrived in camp, and Bobby Jon spits, "Pigs!" As they paddle, Brandon mentions that Steph bitches about everything, and Bobby Jon mocks her wanting a Merge Feast, "You aren't gonna eat on Survivor. You didn't east the last time, and you aren't gonna eat the next time." Wouldn't it be funny if they brought Bobby Jon and Steph back for a third time? People would be so pissed. Anyway, the good friends joke that they should just keep paddling over to their old tribe and hang out like they used to, and Danni gushes that the three men are "the most wonderful people I've met in my entire life." Bobby Jon replies, "I say it right back--to all of you." WHY MUST THE GOOD PEOPLE BE DOOMED!?

While they're gone, the creeps eat all the food they brought with them--the stuff they won, like some honey and chocolate. Steph laughs, "We're evil," and Jamie pouts, "I don't care. They went fishing, it's a slap in the face." ANd yes, I think he's serious. Uh, being an ass to them since they arrived and rumaging through their things was a slap in the face, Jamie. Judd insists, "Dat was dumb, dem all goin tuhgeduh," and Jamie agrees, meaning, yes, they're compalining behind their backs about the fact that they're talking behind their backs. Or something like that. Judd jokes that they should just vote out whoever catches the biggest fish, and everyone laughs. Rafe is uncomfortable with his team's arrogance, "I had this sad realization...Am I a member of the Axis of Evil?" Yes, Rafe, you are. He disapproves of Their bashing people when they aren't around, but he keeps this between him and us, which is probably smart, since Jamie is paranoid and Judd is a bully. They reaffirm that they will get rid of Brandon, then Bobby Jon, then Danni, then Gary--why they don't see Gary as a threat yet, I have no idea, but that changes next week. Jamie raves about how they have to "protect their investment of blood and sweat." WHY MUST THE BAD PEOPLE BE SAFE!? Later, everyone gathers for some pool time--because their beach is so quicksandy, the pool is far out in the river, so everyone must canoe over together. Steph smiles, "It's nice to have this pool that we didn't win." Bobby Jon predicts that the Axis of Evil's fairy tale isn't gonna come true. I really, truly hope that's true. Later taht day, tree mail arrives, featuring a cool cartoon of a person trying to balance a pot on their head, and failing. It rules. Everyone practices.

POUR SOME SALT IN MY WOUNDS

Shazam! arrives at Yavin Base, where Jeff has prepared a lavish feast for them. Everyone looks excited and wary. Jeff takes the Immunity Idol, "This team Immunity Idol no longer has any value--except on EBay." He then asks everyone about the Merge, and Jamie repeats the fact that he told the newcomers that there was no room for them in the shelter and they'd have to eat outside. Bobby Jon glowers and spits when Jamie says this, and Steph gives Jamie a "Shut Up!" look, but Jamie just grins and shrugs. Bobby Jon is pure Bobby Jon, saying he'd never force his company on anyone, and he'd just as soon sleep outside with monkeys anyway. Then Jeff lays on them the mother of all twists. The Feast is only for those who choose to opt out of the Immunity Competition. If you compete, you don't eat. He gives them each a piece of jade and a nut, and they reveal to him which way they've decided--jade means they're competing, the nut means they're going to eat the feast in front of everyone. Rafe chooses to eat, while Gary and Bobby Jon choose to compete. Jamie picks food. Jeff seems really disappointed in Steph's decision not to play, and she at least has the decency to look mildy ashamed. Judd looks very surprised in his teammate's decision not to fight for Immunity--he and Cindy go it alone for the Axis of Evil, and of course Brandon and Danni are doomed so they opt to participate in the game. Oh and Lydia takes her usual seat on the sidelines when anything important is happening, no surprise there.

The competitiros stand on a wood block with the clay pots balanced on their heads. They'll do that for an hour and if more than one person is left, they'll move on to a tie-breaker. The arrogant jerks start eating, and have the nerve to do that "Mmmm, this is SO good," crap. Shut up. Then Jamie starts talking. Jeff asks him what's going on and Jamie starts ballbering, "Bobby Jon and Brandon know they're on the chopping block--I think Judd's protecting our lead, and I respect him for it...Steph, could you pass the steak please?" Judd gives Jamie a look of death, while Bobby Jon and Jamie go back and forth, "I thought we were one tribe." "You know that's not true." "I know." "Then why did you say that raht now?" "Becasue I can. And I will. And I want to." Jeff is rather shocked Jamie's audacity in smugly revealing the 6-4 split in the tribe and reveling in it over supper. Judd keeps flexing his fist and giving Jamie the Maaaagret look as Jamie goes on, "You know you needed to win," to Bobby Jon who shoots back, "I ain't gonna let you big boy me though." After half an hour, Lydia says, "Good job, Judd! Rafe, would you pass the bread?" Judd spits. Jamie sneers, "How're you doin' Bobby Jon, good?" Jeff is stunned by Jamie's bad behavior, and Rafe looks physically ill as he implores Jamie to just enjoy the food. Steph tries to calm Rafe down as he whispers, "I feel bad. It doesn't seem right to say we're in power and the four of you are screwed." Steph rolls her eyes, "Trust me, it's better than having Tom telling you he's gonna try to try to keep you in the game. Bastard. This is MY TIME!" Rafe crawls under the table and starts shaking. Danni's pot falls off her head before the hour's up, everyone else advances to the tie-break. The well-fed feast creeps have the gall to applaud. Shut up! >:( The tiebreak is a race up the steps of one of the temples, with the pot on your head. Gary wins. He takes the pot off of his head, spikes it on the ground and shouts, "That's how we do it in the NFL! I mean...LOOK! A crocodile!"

F-F-F-F-FOOLIN'

Back at camp, Jamie vows, "I swear, I'm not eatin' agin unless everyone is." Judd tells Jamie it wasn't the eating that ticked him off, it was all the talking he did while they were trying to concentrate on balancing pots on their heads. Elsewhere, Cindy tries to defend her team, "It's not like we said, 'welcome to our camp, you're screwed.' I mean, you are, but we didn't SAY it. I mean, until Jamie did just now." Danni answers, "It's just Jamie. He's an ass, y'know?" Oh, Cindy knows. Jamie is Survivor's answer to Terrell Owens--paranoid, mouthy, insecure. Rafe frets, "I cannot respect myself, and go far in this game with Jamie." Well, then freakin' do something, Rafe. Rob came to the same decision in the Amazon, when he, Jenna, Sling Heidi and Alex were sunbathing while Butch, Christa and Sir Matt worked and worried. He flipped and ousted Alex because he was an outsider at heart, and couldn't stand being part of a mean clique. I love Rafe, but right now, he's all talk.

Judd and Steph tell Bobby Jon that they're sick of Jamie's bluster, and they're tired of telling him to cool it. Bobby Jon calls their bluff, "It's all over. I mean, whatever. Give him the million dollars, you know?" Steph and Judd insist Jamie's not gonna win, which gives Bobby Jon a glimmer of hope. Then he tells us that he when he was standing on the platform at the challenge, he was fantasizing about hitting Jamie over the head with his clay pot. Bobby Jon and I are of one mind. CBS supplies a helpful insert of two colroful parots trying to kill one another to represent Jamie and Bobby Jon's bickering. Nicely done. Later, Jamie is telling Bobby Jon and Barndon that they know they're targets because they're athletes. Bobby jon says he looks at people's character more than he does their physical capabilities. Jamie tries to get Bobby Jon to say that he'd send Jamie home if he could, but Bobby Jon doesn't bite. He keeps insisting he knows he's on the chopping block, and Jamie keeps telling him, "Brandon's on the chopping block." Brandon stands there the whole time looking sad. It comes off crass, but I really do think Jamie is trying to be honest here. He doesn't want Brandon to be blindsided, but because he's Jamie, it comes off like he's taunting Brandon instead of helping him. Jamie slinks off, and Bobby Jon tells Brandon that Jamie's probably the one going home, becaude Judd and Steph "as much as said so." Er...but they didn't really SAY so, did they? Urk. Brandon is encouraged, "If it went like that I'd crap my pants!" Before Tribal Council, the two friends grind corn meal together. Brandon jokes, "I bet I'm better at crushing corn than you are," and Bobby Jon smiles back, 'Is that a challenge?" I just heart them. Why, Survivor? WHY? Then they head out for Tribal Council. Since Bobby Jon already tried to lobby Judd and Steph, Gary takes a crack at Rafe, "If we do what's right, Jamie goes home." Rafe whines, "Where does that leave US, though?" Us meaning the Axis of Evil, so yeah, Rafe you answered your own question. Yo're a member. An irritated Gary replies, "Still in power, dumbass!" Danni tries to sway Cindy, and Cindy admits that she likes Bardnon a lot better than she does Jamie. Seriously, there was so much hope for Brandon in this episode that you KNEW he was doomed...

CAN'T STOP THIS THING WE STARTED

Jeff starts out by asking if anyone was surprised at Jamie's being such an ass at the challenge, but of course, nobody was. Rafe says he didn't want it to turn into an "us vs. them" thing, though he knows that was naive, "This is a game about numbers, but it's also about respecting people, and I get upset when we don't do that." ME TOO. Jeff asks Bobby Jon to expound on Jamie's behavior and Bobby Jon labels it "no class." Jamie huffs, "I have class. He can think what he wants. I'm gonna be the bigger man---" "Man, just SHUT UP. I mean, GOD," Bobby Jon interrupts, sounding not unlike Napoleon Dynamite. It would be too much to ask for Jamie to actually stop talking, and Jamie says that no class would be passing up ona shot at immunity but not taking it because you have the numbers. WHich proves Bobby Jon's point because that's exactly what Jamie did when he chose not to fight for immunity and instead ate the Merge Feast. It was only on the third viewing of this that I actually understood what Jamie was talking about, by the way. He's bringing up the fact that when Rafe had the power to give anybody immunity, Bobby Jon didn't ask for it. So Jamie wasn't even there, and doesn't know how it went down, but he's nevertheless accusing Bobby Jon of being too prideful to ask for it. Nobody asked for it, not Brian who needed it that night and not Gary who Rafe wound up giving it too. Jamie tries to draw a parallel between Bobby Jon evicting Brian and Jamie's gunning for Brandon etc., which would be valid except for the fact that nobody ever taunted Brian. Jamie claims that nobody should say he doesn't have class and that he never disrespected Bobby Jon like that, "We'll see who's the bigger man on the playing field," he sniffles. To quote Bobby Jon, "Whatever." I hope it involves cutting a rope with a rock. Jeff shakes his head in disgust at Jamie--I'll bet Jamie's the reason Jeff's even contemplating leaving, I've never seen him react like that (even his outrage at Osten's quitting always seemed a little faux to me). Then Jeff asks the forgotten Cindy how SHE felt during the challenge, when everyone from the "Magic Six" (Jeff's scornful nickname for the Axis of Evil) was rooting on Judd while she stood with a clay pot on her head for an hour watching them wallow in food and their own decadence. Cindy replies, "Ah can eat whin ah git home, but ah'll never git to do this ever agin." YEAH! Unless of course, she's annointed by Mark Burnett, like Steph and Bobby Jon. Steph actually looks tearful as Cindy admits it was hard to compete so hard and have her efforts go unnoticed, "Ah stood there as long as Judd did, and it was like, do they have any faith in ME? Am I an idiot for standing up here?" Nope, you're just a better person than the company you're keeping. If I had a Big Board like Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football does, Cindy, Rafe and Judd would all have green upturned arrows, while Jamie would have a downturned red arrow. Gary suggests everyone vote their hearts and not their minds, "Your mind can play tricks on you," Says Gary, The Walking Lie. And Cindy raises our hopes when she says that morality does come into play when casting her vote, but it's all for naught. Jeff asks if anyone wants to produce the Hidden Immunity Idol, no one does, and Brandon goes out 6-4. Jamie makes of point of saying "classy" things when he casts his vote for Brandon. When Bobby Jon marks his ballot for Jamie he declares, "Part of having Southern pride is being a Southern gentleman and no, you don't have any. class. at. all." Yee Haw! A Southern Man don't need him around anyhow! :D Sweet Hunk Alabama! Brandon looks sad as he leavesbut he's proud of the way he played, and he should be. He leaves Danni (and a few viewers, sniff) in tears when he whispers to her, "You're the sister I never had." Awwww. In his SUrvivor Family Moment, his adorable grandma insists that it hasn't been "nearly as sexciting without you here." Awwwww. Happy trails, farmer Brandon!

Brandon is booted in 10th place, that unfortunate spot between the Merge and the Jury. In season one, good Gretchen learned too late that the other tribe had organized, while much of hers Including her, I THINK) voted for their own tribemates (Yes, Jenna was THAT annoying). In Australia, Jeffy Jeff was undone by information that Kimmi had slipped to the other tribe--too bad for him he didn't really even TRY to get immunity. In Africa, Clarence outlasted his usefulness to Big Tom and his clique, and finally paid for eating those beans on day one or two and in the Marquesas, Boston Robb wasn't so much a godfather as he was a stooge on his first Survivor go-around. Thailand's Shii Ann flipped too quickly on her unfriendly tribe, and they cut her loose after the Merge that wasn't a Merge while the Amazon's Roger learned a seemingly obvious lesson too late: some guys would rather hang out with hot chicks than with his bossy ass. In the Pearl Islands, Big Whiny Osten quit and Shawn was dispatched when those lousy losers won the challenge that led to Lill the martyr and Burton the bully being allowed back into the game--causing a net loss of players of zero so I count Osten and Shawn as tied for 10th place with the next week's evictee, Andrew, who was almost as fond of coach-speak as Bobby Jon. In Vanuatu, Crazy Rory was silenced--sadly before he could make good on his vow to burn down the girl's camp. Last year, sweet Bobby Jon was eliminated when Steph built a fire faster than he did.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Brandon once climbed a 1000 ft. radio tower in order to conquer his fear of heights. That's pretty cool. He also lists National Geographic and Playboy as his favorite magazines--I thought boys stopped pretending they liked National Geographic once they were old enough to get Playboy. Oh well.

Peace! :D

Christine