Survivor 9.6 "If you got it, sunbathe it."

RORY HELLA BUGS

I have to warn any Rory fans out there--please tell me there aren't actually Rory fans out there? Anyway, he's approaching Lill territory for me. Scout, ever the peacemaker, thanks Rory for working on the fire once the gang has returned to Tribal Council. This is a guy who knew it was either gonna be him or the other guy going home, and it WAS the OTHER guy, and he's STILL hacked off and fuming. He huffs, "Well, APPARENTLY I have to keep WARM," he snivels, and when she asks him to explain what he means, he bellows, "Leave it ALONE. Right Now you all are showing me something I'm not very impressed with so, for the sake of the tribe I'm gonna hold my tongue!" Uh, right back at you, and puhleeze. Is there anything more manipulative and insincere than announcing that you're furious BUT too big a person to say why? Ugh. UGH, I say! He tells us, "The ladies made a mistake by letting it slip at Tribal Council that I was gonna be voted out before Bubba!" First of all, only Ami said that, and it was probably for effect. Secondly, they chose to keep you! UGH! Then he blusters about how he was straight up with the women from the start and then he plays the race card, by referring to the "chopping block" as the "auction block." I am disappointed at ALL the women for not telling him to his face to shut the hell up. Instead they basically let him accuse them all of being racist liars. My biggest problem with Rory's wrath is that he acts as though he were ENTITLED to a fair shake when the tribes got shook up, like the women are under some obligation to judge him on merit when this is a game of politics and numbers and they can vote him out for whatever the hell reason they want--including the fact that they're an all woman tribe and he's a dude. So, Rory insists to us that his whole behavior was a ploy, "I can't push them too far, I want to push them JUST far enough. I want to paint myself as the angry brother who's welcomed back into the fold." Well, you pushed ME too far already, Rory. And don't tell me your anger is an act, not after that fit you threw over Mia's victory dance. Scout is less angry than I am, shrugging, "Rory had a fit and fell in it and he's sitting over there on his pity pot--hopefully he'll wipe his ass and get over it." Don't count on it :/ It's Rory's "master plan."

ODD WOMEN OUT

Actually, everyone's getting along at the new Sarge tribe. Sarge says, "It's a blessing to have women around--not that we need them, don't get me wrong." Cut to him admitting to the whole tribe, "Now that there's women here, my dreams are starting to get...elaborate." Julie asks him to elaborate on that, and he mercifully declines. Chris worries that a pretty girl like Julie could sweet talk her way until the Final four and then wind up going for the money in the end--Rich Jenna, we're looking in your direction. Julie's not as irritating as Jenna, though--mainly because she has no discernible personality whatsoever. Without irony, she deadpans to us that she's glad to be away from all the passive-aggression that abounded in the women's tribe, as if she wasn't one of the main sources of it. When the Sarges start speculating about who's gotten the boot, Julie drones, "I'd laugh if one of the guy's was gone," which seems like a stupid thing to like, SAY around the rest of the guys, who are probably deciding whether to dump her or Twila. I think she MAY have been saying she'd laugh because it would be stupid to do so, but I'm not since there's never any inflection to her voice it's hard to say. Twila, thrilled to be amongst men instead of girls, hopes that Eliza has gotten the boot. Everyone is sure that wise ol' Scout is safe, and Sarge insists, "Well, everyone loves Bubba--he's safe for SURE." Which, though Julie may not recognize it, is Sarge's passive aggressive way of saying, "I hate Rory and I hope he's GONE." Later, Twila and Julie go off to talk strategy which pretty much consists of "keep winning so they don't have the opportunity to vote us out because we're odd out." See, Rory, they get it. They're not entitled to a fair shot, it's frickin' SURVIVOR.

RORY BUGS SOME MORE

The Scout's get some tree mail and Scout gathers everyone for a tribe chant! Woo Hoo! Let's go into the Reward Challenge as a united team! Rory insists on bringing everyone down, however. He smiles and says, "First of all, I'd like to apologize for all the horrible things I said to you in my mind last night." Uh. Ooookay. That's not in the least bit threatening but WAIT, it gets better! He adds, "When I get angry, I get extraordinarily hurtful." Wow. Rory sure knows how to make a case--I mean, that sounds like a guy I'd like to have sleeping next to me with a machete for the next three weeks. Then he demands a fair shot that he's not actually entitled too, then he pitches a sob story about how he CAN'T go back to his old tribe because they'll ASSUME he sold Bubba out (truth be told, he can't go back because Sarge can't stand him) and he acts like this is somehow the girls' fault and then he demands a chance at surviving the next Tribal Council or else he refuses to "slave around camp." And again, no one calls him on any of this--how creepy his opening was, how illogical he's being, how offensive his accusations are. They all seem to like him--this is where the Lill factor comes in--I hated her and yet all those stupid contestants kept going on and on about what a nice person she was, until she got hammered in the Finale (bless you, Rupert.) Rory seems to have that mojo working for him, and I don't like it one bit. And AGAIN, Rory laughingly insists that this was ALL an act, a "cheesy" speech meant to engender sympathy with the women. Well, if you really want to stick around, you might wanna make this your last threatening, sanctimonious, disingenuous, accusatory rant. And since Rory insists that you aren't gonna like him when he's angry (and he's right), I've decided to dub him The Incredible Sulk.

REWARD HAIKU

squealing pigs scatter
Survivors fall in the mud
except for Eliza

The tribes gather, and everyone's stunned to see Bubba gone. Sarge looks kinda pissed, actually. But thoughts of Bubba are quickly replaces with the promise of Steak and Eggs to the winner of a pig-catching contest. It seems like bacon or ham would be a more appropriate Reward for the PIG challenge, but what do I know? Each team appoints a gatekeeper, who has the easy task of keeping the gate shut, as the others must run around in the mud catching two pigs each and putting them behind said gate. The Scouts pick Scout and the Sarges pick Julie. It's a very icky challenge, but everyone throws themself into it--except for prissy Eliza, who seems more concerned that her shorts are riding up on her than she is over the fact that she isn't really diving into the mud to tackle a pig. Her reluctance to do so costs her team valuable time before she quits and asks someone else to try. Everyone else on her team succeeds in catching one pig, but the Sarges each get two and win handily. Not that Eliza's balking wouldn't have hurt them eventually, but I also thought that the Sarges strategy of having each member catch both their pigs one after the other was superior to the Scouts plan, which had each person getting one and then turning it over to the next person.

STEAK AND EGGS RULE!

Twila exults in their victory over the girls who "wouldn't get thur fingernails dirty." Damn, Twila's sure got chip on her shoulder about women who groom themselves. Eliza was the lone princess on this one, honey. Sarge is so stoked about the Steak and Eggs that he claims he's gonna "Dude, dude, man, dude, raise the doggone roof," and even makes the raise the roof gesture. Sarge, you keep unfolding like a flower. Julie rags on Eliza for announcing that she couldn't' catch a pig--she's pretty smug considering she was the gatekeeper. Chris agrees, "I couldn't get over that balance beam, and I looked like an idiot, but at least I tried!" Sarge once again laments Bubba's absence.

ELIZA SUCKS!

Leann is very disappointed that they lost "the pig challenge." "Eliza didn't seem to want to get dirty," she complains, "Did she even get dirty?" Rory and Lisa commiserates and the Incredible Sulk, subtle as a ton of bricks as usual says "If you lose the next immunity, I'm going home and you ladies are SUNK." I don't think the women are freaked out over losing because they still hold a 7 to 5 majority over the men and they THINK that Twila and Julie will just join up with them at the merge. Rory is right about one thing, "Eliza is KILLING this team," he insists. Eliza apologizes to everyone for sucking so bad and everyone tells her to shake it off and that it doesn't mean anything and then they all run her down behind her back. For once, Ami isn't a raving bitch, and actually has some good advice and a comforting shoulder for Eliza, "Go ahead and cry, I'm sure I'll cry sometimes," Ami says, as though she were suddenly possessed by Mister Rogers. Eliza snuffles, "I'm-hic-not-hic-used to-snif-being-hic-bad-hic-at-hic things! I'm in the golden key honor society okay? I went to Sidwell Friends school, which is the same exclusive prep school that Chelsea Clinton went to okay? I'm pre-law at Syracuse University! I ran the Marine Corp Marathon! And okay, I totally like love Scout as a PERSON, okay but I wish she wasn't here because she's got her fake hip and whatever so she like always gets to be the weakest link sit out and like be gatekeeper and if she wasn't here I could be the weak link and sit out some challenges and like be gatekeeper--i SO could have been gatekeeper , but noooooo, Scout's gatekeeper and then it's so easy for her to like come back after doing NOTHING and being all, "good job ya'll" yeah, good job opening the frickin' GATE, Scout!" Ami is taken aback by Eliza's rant, and lectures, "You're all excuses right now, Eliza. You're a capable woman, a goddess! You need to tell yourself, I could have done that--I could have caught a pig. But I didn't, and next time I'll be better!" Eliza moans, "I don't think we can beat the other tribe because they have most of the men." Ami snarls, "You need to get that out of your head, Eliza. I'm not gonna give up just because that team has a bunch of muscles!" The Sulk is pleased to see that irritation over Eliza's failure is flowing like lava through the camp, "All I need to find is a fissure, a tiny little crack in the women's alliance--I think I've found my tiny little crack!" As we fade out on Eliza, aka Tiny Little Crack, aka TLC.

ODD WOMEN IN?

Julie stares into the camera and drones, "I'm a flirt, what can I say, it's how I connect with people," she winks. Then she announces to her tribe, "I need to tan my ass," and then she takes her clothes off, exposing her naked "buttocks region," as Sarge so...disturbingly puts it. Okay, maybe I'm old fashioned, but...that's not FLIRTING. That's stripping. Sarge admits that she looked good, "If you got it, sunbathe it," he laughs, but he doesn't get too wrapped up in staring at it--unlike Chad who can't take his eyes off the the thing. He stares. And then he stares. And then he puts his hand in front of his eyes to block the glare so he can stare yet even more. Say, uh Chad? You might want to check out your bio on CBS.com --it says you're MARRIED. Julie suspects that Twila's cooking up an alliance with the older guys, and it turns out she's right. Twila stands on Sarge's shoulders and chops down plantains with the machete. Sarge gushes, "Twila could be my best pal for the next 20 years. i could drink a beer with Twila, I could go to the races with Twila--and could put a dress on Twila and take her to dinner because she's a lady!" I know this was supposed to be complimentary, but like much of what comes out of Sarge's mouth, it's unintentionally creepy. Twila tells Sarge that neither she nor Julie are committed to going back to the women if there's a merge. "Don't go against us," Sarge warns, as if there'd be some consequences to that if the women merge with a majority over the men. Not that the women vs. men thing would remain strong at a merge (it certainly didn't happen in the Amazon) but Sarge is talking like he wields way more power than he does, in my opinion. Anyway, he enlists Twila to take Rory's spot in a Final Four with him, Chris and Chad, "We don't want to take John because we don't trust him," he says, pleasing this John-hating reviewer. "We want someone older, someone mature enough to know what it is to give your word to somebody," Sarge explains. Twila agrees, then turns around to tell us her word don't mean nothing, "Maybe ah'll stick tuh thet, maybe ah won' who knows? They're all lying sacks of sh** so it don' matter. Maybe they've tol' Julie the same thing and thur playin' me fer a fool." I enjoy Twila, but she seems destined to be that player that lets paranoia and mistrust guide her into fatal decisions. I think Sarge's offer is sincere, and she's an idiot if she doesn't realize that.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

swim swim swim some more
struggle suffer dive and climb
steak and eggs will help

The Immunity Challenge is brutal swimming contest in which four member must move wood blocks over an underwater rope course. It's very demanding, and is an example of how often times winning reward wins you immunity--you can't tell me that Leann would have punked out had she had the kind of protein the Sarges had. Much to Eliza's chagrin, I'm sure, Scout and Lisa are designated to stand on the beach and cheerlead and then put together the puzzle once all the wood pieces are in. Twila and Chad do the same for the Sarges. The contest is pretty even at first--Chris barely beats Ami, and then The Sulk catches the Scouts up by outswimming Sarge. For the record, Rory is an outstanding physical player--I may not like him, but I'll give him props on his effort. I won't call it 110%, but he gives 100% on these challenges, no question. Anyway, his his effort is for naught because Leann punks out. She tries to dive but can't do it, she's too drained. Not only does Julie blow her out in their leg, but John laps her, and the Sarges win without Tiny Little Crack even having the chance to mess things up again for the Scouts.

CRAZY AMI WIELDS HER POWER

Everyone's dejected except for TLC--Eliza can't believe her good fortune at Leann's monumental choke, "I know how you feel," she grins as she tries to comfort the devastated Leann. Thing is, Eliza doesn't know how Leann feels because Leann isn't oh, say, putting the blame on Scout. "I should go home," shaky Leann tells us, "I screwed up so bad--but I don't want to go home." Scout asks Leann if she can put it behind her, and she says she can and that she wants to stay. Tiny Little Crack looks over her shoulder to make sure no one's around and then whispers "No one doubts that you'll be here tomorrow." Uh, well someone must if you're making sure no one's listening. Maybe she's just afraid of getting The Sulk angry. Leann smiles, "You guys make me feel like the best loser ever!" Coming This Fall to NBC, wait, no that's something else. Leann confides, "I feel guilty because, if I don't go home tonight, someone's going home because of me." She's not a great player, per se, but I like Leann as a person. Now that I said that, watch her go nuts next week :)

Back at the campfire, Ami offers to join Scout on a manioc hunt and Lisa asks if she can go along. Ami is unthrilled, "What, we need three people to go get manioc?" And Lisa replies, "I'd just like to go, see where you go, in case...you know." Well, what Ami knows is that "you know" must mean that Lisa is furiously plotting against her, "That was really funny, that you'd say that," she passively aggresses. "Lisa is soooo sneaky, that comments was like, ooops. She revealed that she's out to get me!" Ami tells us, "I watch. I'm always watching--I never sleep because watching is the best way to figure things out! Rah!" On the manioc run, she tells Scout that she thinks Rory works to hard and she doesn't want to vote him out--which is a complete 180 from her earlier position that she was "sticking with the ladies." The women all seem won over by Rory's little hissy fits which boggles my mind but whatever. Scout says in that case, her vote will be for Eliza, and Ami says, "Huh. I'm not voting for Eliza," and she makes Scout pry it out of her, "After Lisa's rude comment, I'm voting for Lisa." Lisa, who, by the way is standing right there and Ami's not even acknowledging her presence and who's rude? Ugh. Lisa is flabbergasted and doesn't even know what Ami is talking about and Ami huffs, "Scout, please inform Lisa that I'm referring to the "you know" comment. Clearly, the only reason she'd want to know where the manioc is has to be she's preparing for what life will be like once she stabs me in the back! Rarrrrr!" Lisa begs Ami to believe her (it reminds me of a scene out of "The Crucible" with Ami as Abigail) and Ami will hear none of it, telling Scout, "I trust Eliza more than I trust Lisa," and then she has the unmitigated gall to add, "And Lisa, the anger I feel building up toward me isn't helping you one bit." :o Whaaaat? Lisa manages to choke out, "Well, I'm...offended." Because you're calling her a liar to her face, Ami, that's why there's the building anger. AGH. Scout the peacemaker holds out her hands and asks Lisa to pretend they're the Bible. The Religious Lisa swears on it, and that settles things in Scout's mind, but not Ami. The whole thing isn't sitting well with Lisa, who tells us, "I refuse to do that ever again! I'm not gonna swear to my God to prove myself to people I just met and I'm not kiss Ami's ass to stay in this game." Well, It's good of Lisa to refuse to swear on the Imaginary Bible ever again but, sadly, you DO have to kiss Ami's ass to stick around this tribe :(

The Incredible Sulk tells Scout that he adores Lisa and would prefer that Eliza goes. Scout shrugs, "Me too, but Ami won't agree." The Sulk insists, "Well, I would rather YOU figure out a way to change her mind." Oh, yes sir, your Roryness. Honestly. Scout tells him there's a tiff between Lisa and Ami, but doesn't reveal the particulars. The Sulk gloats to us, "Amazingly enough, my name isn't even gonna come up at Tribal Council!" Wrong. Then he goes on, "It's a knock out for The Kid! The rat has found his crack! No one gave me any odds to break this alliance of women and I broke it!!" What the HELL!? AGH! First of all, does he imagine people laying odds at Las Vegas casinos, "1000 to 1 against The Kid breaking up the Women's Alliance!" ugh, no one cares, Sulk. But more importantly, YOU DIDN'T BREAK UP ANY THING! The fissures and cracks existing between Ami and Lisa and between Eliza and everybody existed before you got here and they grew larger on their own accord! You were just lucky, Rory. Lucky! AGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

"You're in trouble, losers" Jeff says smugly but Scout is adamant, "We don't feel whupped yet." Jeff asks Leann if she feels a little responsible and she corrects him, "A LOT responsible, Jeff. Hopefully I'll have a chance to prove myself later." Jeff asks several people whether they're voting strictly out of loyalty or if they're voting out the weak, and every time someone declares it's out of loyalty, both Lisa and Rory look nervous. Jeff asks Eliza if she can be trusted and her very inventive not very clear answer is, "I think that the people I've told can trust me...DO trust me." Which kinda sounds like she's allowing for the fact that they may be suckers to do so. The Sulk tells Jeff that TLC never told him he could trust her so then she does on the spot and he seems skeptical. Your insight serves you well, Rory. Lisa insists she's sticking to her word with her vote, which is probably amusing to Tiny Little Crack since Lisa betrayed her when she voted out Mia BUT of course, Eliza lied to Lisa when she voted out Dolly. Now explain what Rory had to do to "break them up" beyond showing up? Nothing, thank you. Then The Incredible Sulk has to get all righteously indignant, "Jeff, I've been in a hot spot all along, my ass is hanging out." You know what people on Survivor: Vanuatu say almost as much as "dude"? "Ass." Then he rambles about how no one gives 1105 like he does and all he's asked is for a fair shake. He didn't go home last week and he knows he's not going home this week so why the heck is he so indignant? But, that's The Incredible Sulk.

Scout honors her friendship with Lisa by not voting for the doomed woman, who votes against Rory. I take childish glee in the fact that his name DID come up at Tribal Council, heh heh heh. Lisa goes out 4-2 and reminds those that voted her out that she was true to her word. In her exit, she insists her vote out was unfair. I agree, but honestly, she had sown some of the seeds of mistrust herself with her early alliance with Dolly and Mia and Julie.

Lisa finishes in 12th place along with a guy who had a REAL Bible with him, Dirk, Kimmi the Vegetarian who started whining and stopped bathing, Creepy Silas who was thwarted by the best tribe shake-up EVER, mellow Gabe who wanted to build a perfect society, boring lazy Stephanie the firefighter, spunky Jeanne who deserved better and boring-ass Michelle who none of you probably even remember. She was a friend of Burton's? Meh, I know, who really cares.

Next: Rory's still on shaky ground, but so is Tiny Little Crack, who can't stave off eviction FOREVER, can she? I think young John shouldn't feel TOO comfortable (though he probably does)--but Julie will go first if the Sarge's go to Tribal Council. Chris and Sarge need alliance-mate Chad to keep his eyes on the prize, and off Julie's butt, especially since the next person voted out SHOULD be the last person before the merge. Things are heating up :D

Peace! :)

Survivor 9.5 "Some of the worst paddling I have ever seen."

I just started this whole "title the episode with a quote" thing that "The Amazing Race" does, and I seriously think I could pick one with the word "dude" in it every time, if I wanted to--this group really likes saying "dude." ALso, I know this terrible late, and I'm sorry. As some of you already know, I'm in the middle of a major move and as ALL of you know, I'm a terminal procrastinator. It's a bad combination. :p

HANGING WITH THE BETAS

So, the men are sitting around the fire and Chad says, 'Sarge, you were gonna, uh, bring up that issue about voting to vote for, uh, sleeping positions?" and Sarge reluctantly leads, as always, and says, "Oh, yeah, Bubba. Some people were upset and I said the easiest thing to do is vote to rearrange sleeping positions around the fire." Bubba frowns, "You sleep in thuh house, Sarge--what's it to you." "Nothin' it's just some people were mad, that's all." I like how Sarge is trying to be all diplomatic by saying "some people." Uh, there's only 6 of you, it can't be THAT big a secret. "Well they can build a bridge and get over it," Bubba retorts. Heh, good one. Then Bubba chastises Chad, "Be a man and come to me yourself if y'all are mad--don't go thru Sarge." Chad sighs, "It's not just me, dude." Then Bubba tells us that no place is better than the other, while CHAD informs us that the wind tends to blow sparks and ash in one direction, and that Bubba has been hogging the "Prime Real Estate" around the campfire. Now, in a wolf pack, the Alpha male just takes the best spot. But in case you thought for a second that Bubba is that male, he huffs, "Wuhl ah jes' won' sleep bah the fahr anymore, so there!" Nup, not an Alpha in sight. Bubba complains, "Ah'm tard of hangin' out with these mihn an' if this show wudn't unscripted ah's swar this was foreshadowin a shake-up of some kind!" Then Rory spots an approaching canoe with two Vanuatu tribesmen aboard and gushes, 'It was ever so exciting! We haven't had any visitors since we arrived at our fair campsite. I look forward to the opportunity to interact with the Vanuatians!" Rory just works my nerves. The Tribesmen give the universal "huddle up" signal and then insist that "one chief" be named. Everyone picks Sarge who sighs, "Who, me? You want ME to be the chief? I don't why but okay, I guess, if that's what everyone wants." Oh, knock it off, Sarge. He thinks he's supposed to go with them and takes off his pants--wait, what? OH, because he's got shorts on underneath and he doesn't want to get his long pants wet--I'm with ya, Sarge. I was a little worried but now I'm with ya. ANyway, the Vanuatians just give him a necklace and a staff and leave. "What the hell is going on today," Rory wonders. Chris shrugs, "I don't know, but you've got to hand it to Mark Burnett, the twists and turns just keep coming this season--he really knows how to keep things fresh!" The women easily designate Scout as their leader, as Ami gushes about Scout being the oldest and wisest. Leann is discussing the possibility of a tribe shake up when the volcano erupts, causing a big earthquake and much freaking out by the Survivors. The islands sleeping bats scatter and shriek, which is a very disturbing and unnatural sight in daylight. Chad and Twila love the quake while Lisa is scared. Sarge blusters, "Dude, [yes, even Sarge says "dude" on Survivor : Vanuatu] I've heard about earthquakes but I never imagined the earth would actually...MOVE." Uh. Okay. But that is what an Earthquake is, the earth moving. I can just imagine Sarge in Florida, "Dude, I've heard of hurricanes, but I never imagined the air would actually...BLOW at such a high velocity."

REWARD HAIKU

new buffs, new members
dive deep for beer and pringles
no more doritos

I kinda miss the days when Survivor shamelessly pimped Doritos, but since I prefer Pringles, I'll let it slide. Before the twist is revealed, Jeff asks everyone about the earthquake and everyone talks about where they were and everyone's like, "I was standing in the jungle and all of a sudden everything started shaking and coconuts started falling and I was like, is this an earthquake?" Trust me, as a native Californian who's been in several earthquakes (none involving falling coconuts), and afterwards, every TV and radio call-in show is 50 people saying "I was sitting on my couch, and all of a sudden everything started shaking and I was like, is that an earthquake? and my (spouse, sibling, etc.) was like "Yes it is!" And then some idiot calls in and says he and his girlfriend were having sex during the quake so at first they thought it was them. But Amber and Chachi aren't around, so there's no sex being had on THIS island. ALthough when Jeff tells everyone to drop their buffs, it always sounds a little "suggestive," if you ask me. None of the girls are anorexic enough to wear their buff as a tube top yet, so there's no awkwardness to this command. Then Jeff tells the chiefs, Scout and Sarge [why do I feel like we've stepped into a G.I. Joe comic book?] that one of them will pick two NEW teams, and the other will pick which team they want to be on. There will be one leftover woman, and that will be dealt with later. They rock paper scissors and Scout's rock loses to Sarge's paper and Sarge opts to pick whichever of Scout's teams seems more inviting which becomes apparent right away because Scout picks Rory first and we can pretty much be confident that he's gonna pick the other. She puts Chad on the other team. She then makes sure to separate the remaining youngun's, Eliza and Julie--hey Ami's right, she IS wisest! I guess the point of having Sarge pick, is like, when your mom had one kid cut a piece of cake into two pieces, and your little sister gets to pick which piece so you've got to be as fair as possible. But Scout DOES, in effect, pick her team too. What she does is make one team of two men and three women : Rory and Bubba, then Eliza, LeAnn and Ami; and then one team of two women and three men : Twila and Julie, then Chad, Chris and John. So Sarge would be an idiot to pick team one, because at best, he'd be on a team with an equal number of men and women, so he chooses the team where the men have a four to two advantage, leaving Scout a team where SHE too will enjoy the same advantage (and the company she wanted). It's good to be a chief. That leaves Lisa, who pouts to Jeff in annoying baby talk, "I'm going bye bye?" But Jeff tells her no, she just gets to choose, and like, Sarge, her decision has already been made for her by Scout--she opts to be in a 5-2 female majority rather than a 3-4 female minority. Rather than cloud the issue with "Yasur" and "Lopevi," I'm just gonna call the teams, the Sarges and the Scouts.

Then we have a super hard reward challenge: Teams must dive off a platform to a buoy, then make their way down a rope to retrieve keys or some such. They start at like, 4 feet deep but go all the way to 30 feet deep. Everyone is thrilled at the reward: pringles and beer! ALthough, it's not Coors Light, it's some beer with the labels torn off--it could be near beer, for all they know. But, since they've been eating roots and bugs for eleven days, no one's complaining. Shaky swimmer Bubba sits out for the Scouts. It's a tough challenge. At one point, Chris (he of the failed balance beam) drops one of the keys, but he makes up for it by eventually getting the winning key for the Sarges. The Sarges get to go this waterfall and gorge on pringles and drink beer--kind of like a lame high school party. You even have Julie scamming on Chris (for strategic purposes, no doubt). Sarge gushes, "We been eating plantains and greens, so the Pringles tasted like GOLD." Mmmm, gold. That sounds good. I could really go for a gold sandwich right about now. Then he confides, "We got rid of some people, so everyone's kinda happy." Oh, Sarge, just own it, damn you, own it! YOU got rid of RORY, so YOU'RE happy. Stop being so darn coy, with your "some people" and your "I dunno, I guess." Twila is REALLY happy to be "kickin' it with the men, especially fellow highway worker, Chris. They laugh about how much overtime they get and what a bunch of suckers the rest of us are. Then everyone swims in the waterfall. Julie drones, "I'm buzzed--not just by the beer but by the change. Twila and I are outnumbered, so we're trying to weasel our way however we can." You can tell that Julie is happy by the change, because she almost smiles. Almost. Once-doomed John is truly thrilled, and he smirks, "I'm psyched because the fat dudes alliance was broken up and I clearly wasn't a part of that alliance--I mean, look at this 6-pack. Look at my abs, they're magnificent. Anyway, the fat dude's allegiance was broken up and that's all I was trying to do." But you DIDN'T do it, John, Survivor did it for you.

TURNS OUT, AMI'S A RAGING BITCH

Back at Scout's tribe, Eliza insists, "It was a bummer not winning the challenge because even though we didn't win the pringles and stuff we had like these new people to talk to which was like so exciting to be around people who I haven't betrayed or irritated to death...yet." The gals whip up some kind of lunch for Rory and Bubba and then tell them about the sugarcane, which thrills them. Bubba smiles, "It was real nahs tuh be with the whehmen but me and Rory are outnumbered so we gotta be careful--one wrong move and they'll vote you out for sure. Again, if this wudn't an unscripted show, ah'd be CERTAIN ah jes' foreshadowed mah own upcomin' wrong move and demise." Rory and Bubba help the women by pulling up roots and hauling lumber. A pleased Ami sniffs, "The men SEEM to know their place and be willing to work hard to please us, their female overlords." Lisa wants to show them the trick Daw showed them, of opening the coconut with the machete, but Ami thinks it's a bad idea. Lisa insists, "But it's cool." AMy huffs, "We can be cool without showing them how to open the coconuts. We're women, after all, goddesses, if you will." Lisa thinks Ami's being ridiculous about the whole thing. Amy sighs, "Rory and Bubba are lifting heavy stuff right now, which is what men are FOR, so that's good, but I still feel our sisterly bond has been weakened by the poison testosterone that has arrived and I'm not telling them any of our secrets! Evuh!" Good thing Daw (who clearly comes from a sexist culture, as shown by the first day ritual) wasn't as secretive as you were, Ami. He's the only reason you know the cool secret of the coconut, so lighten the hell up. She insists that she intends to stick by the ladies in terms of voting...

IMMUNITY HAIKU

Bubba talks to loud
Jeff gets mad for no reason
Scout sits out again

Scout sits out a lot, I'm just saying. I guess when you're the oldest and the wisest, you can get away with that. Anyway, the tribes gather and as Jeff is explaining the contest, Bubba hisses loudly to Chris, "Chris, think about the MERGE!" It is indeed SO loud, that CBS doesn't even bother to subtitle it, it is THAT clear what he says. That isn't the way anyone is going to remember the incident, however. THe contest is a relay race of sorts. Tow members race into the jungle to untie an outrigger piece for a canoe, two more race further out to untie some paddles, and two more have to get the actual canoe. It's pretty close the whole way, but the Sarge's gain a little ground on each leg, mainly because they're better at untying knots. This doesn't appear to be a men vs. women issue though, since Bubba and Rory seem pretty bad at it==Rory even tries to use his teeth to loosen the knots, freaking out dentists everywhere. Once both teams assemble their boats, two members have to paddle out to a buoy and then come back. The Sarge's enlist Chad and John, while the Scout's dispatch Ami and Bubba. Jeff claims throughout that it's very close, but honestly, it never looks that way watching it on TV. Jeff keeps yelling about how Chad and John are sucking and faltering, but does it matter? The Sarge's never come close to losing the lead, so I don't think so. They are helped by a terrible push off from the Scout's, who manage to push their canoe off course. John and Chad win handily and when Jeff addresses the disheartened Scout's he barks, "Some of the WORST paddling I have ever seen!" Now, Jeff has certainly seen some bad paddling in his day, but he seemed more annoyed than need be--you'd almost think he'd lost money on the race or something.

ODD MEN OUT

Rory and Bubba know its one or the other, and are too good of friends to try to lobby against one another, so they let the votes fall where they may. Fortunately for Rory, Bubba was heard telling Chris to "think about the merge," because if the Sarge's had CHOSEN to lose, they could eliminate the women on their team. Interestingly enough, the Sarge's didn't seem all that interested in protecting Rory and/or Bubba. Ami and Scout discuss what they think Bubba was trying to accomplish, and they keep talking about the incident like it was way more subtle and sly than it was, "He was making some kind of hand signal." No he wasn't he flat out said, "think about the merge." Regardless, Bubba has incurred the wrath of Ami which, based on this vote and the next, is a very bad thing. Ami rants, "Bubba tried to sell us out! He was making secret gestures to the other team, as though he wasn't actually a member of OUR team, which is DISGUSTING, even though I did say earlier than we women were gonna stick together and they weren't really members of the team. The point is, can you imagine Michael Jordan giving plays to the other team? Hell NO! Rarrrrh!" And AMerica can't picture it, mainly because Jordan's retired, but since he's retired like, fifty times, I'll cut Ami some slack. Bubba frets, "Ah think ah may have gotten mah hand caught in the cookie jar!" Yeah, Bubba, pretty much because you yelled, "MA! I'm stealing some cookie's right now!" Bubba asks Ami to give him a head's up if he's being voted out and she's barks, "You have to ask the boss," as though Scout's the one calling all the shots and not her, and then she adds, "I don't do that whole "ya'll" thing, you backwoods Hillbilly! I'm from the refined state of Colorado where we say "all of you!" Got it? Good! Rarrr!" Ami also doesn't do the "not being a total bitch" thing, either. Elsewhere, Scout talks voting with Eliza and Lisa. Scout reveals, "Ami noticed Bubba using smoke signals to get out some sort of Morse code message to Chris so she want's him out." Eliza winces, "I don't know you guys I'm mean I'm just saying that like the challenges are only gonna get harder and maybe we shouldn't vote out one of the guys because if we do then we only have one guy to do all the physical stuff plus I really like both of them." Lisa frowns, "You're not thinking about voting one of us off, are you?" Eliza shrugs as though there might be a third option. Grim execution music plays as Bubba and Rory pray before Tribal Council. Either God doesn't care about "Survivor," or that million dollars ain't destined for Travis aka Bubba...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks the ladies if the men are truly members of a new tribe, or just doomed hostages. Lisa gushes, "We've tried so very hard to make them feel welcome and it's just so nifty to have men around!" LeAnn confesses that after 11 days of men vs. women, she hasn't made the switch, she's still against the men. Ami nods in approval. Then she insists that the men had a shot of being on equal footing (which by her own earlier statements doesn't seem to be true) but then Bubba was caught making secret signals and THAT alone sealed his fate. Bubba, also acting as though he never said anything that was heard by the entire viewing audience, if not anyone on the beach, insists he was trying to GET a signal from Chris, and yes, it was a chance but he had to take it. Ami gloats, "Well, that was really dumb, hillbilly boy, because we were trying hard to win and if we lost, we weren't even planning to vote YOU out until that happened!" Rory gives Jeff a look that he hopes conveys his shock and indignation along with his assumption that people are out to get him and his rakish, devil-may-care ability to roll with the punches. It just comes off prissy. Whether there was another intended victim or not (if there was, it may have been Eliza, in my opinion) she was still an idiot to reveal that here. Rory tells Jeff the only thing that could have prevented one of them two men being targeted was had they won the challenge. Amy agrees, "You wound up on the wrong side of the buff, Rory. I'm glad Twila and Jules are safe and I'm glad that you're our hostages and that we'll be feeding one of you to the volcano tonight! Rarrh!" Ami is disappointed when AMi reminds her that no one actually dies at Tribal Council. Then Bubba pulls out his violin and, after a stirring rendition of "Devil went down to Georgia," reminds everyone about how, Ah learnt tuh sweeem raiht afore ah got thar on accountuh ah almose drownt when ah was a boy, but ah got in theht canoe and risked mah lahf." Rory lobbies, "No one can question where my heart is and no one here is more capable than I in their ability to achieve the mathematically impossible and irritatingly hyperbolic 110% rather than I. I shall attempt to break into this sisterhood--I am rather fussy and unmanly at times, after all. If that doesn't work, well, I'm man enough to take my lumps!" Remember that in the next few weeks when he sets to whining and moaning every time we see him. Scout insists, "Before we started, there were three men that I very much wanted to play this game with--two of them are here. So, it's not over until the fat lady sings."

Despite this interesting statement, Bubba goes down as expected, 6-1. Travis aka Bubba finishes in 13th place, joining Ramona and Mitch who got weak and sick, Linda who was ousted by lazy youths, buxom Sarah who, like Bubba, lost her alliance in a tribal shake-up, Ghandia who got loud, Joanna the superstitious Christian who was felled by lazy youths even though Shawna begged to be sent home instead and blustery Burton, another loser jerk like Lill who Mark Burnett allowed back in the game in the worst twist ever. We won't see the Bob Barker shirt again, but I'm sure CBS gave him some lovely parting gifts--Turtle Wax and Flavor Ice perhaps. No sense speculating about next week, as it's already happened--sorry again! :D My next review will be along soon.

Peace! :D Christine

Survivor 9.4 "Why are we letting fat dudes run the show?"

Rather than get backed up, I figured I'd fire off a quick review before my trip home. This is a good episode to be quick about because there wasn't a lot of dialogue. Let's face it, it's quieter now that Mia's gone. Well, not TOO quiet, as the women return to camp. Lisa is defending her honesty, despite the fact that she sold out her alliance to Mia, Julie and Eliza. Eliza sputters, "She was in an alliance with us and she totally blindsided us by voting out Mia instead of Twila! Ugh, that bitch! I mean, I know I did the same thing the week before but the only reason I did that was because I thought Dolly was going to vote for me--see, I asked her right before Tribal Council, I was all, Dolly, who are you going to vote for--" Yes, yes, WE KNOW, Eliza. Lisa tells Eliza that she voted out Mia because she no longer trusts Eliza, who has the gall to call Lisa a hypocrite. Takes one to know one, Eliza--yes, yes, you thought Dolly was going to vote you out--well, Lisa didn't trust you same as you didn't trust Dolly. Accept it. Scout can't take the bickering, "My environment is being polluted. I love you all, I'll see you in the morning." Scout is one of the few people on this planet who could get away with a line like that--"My environment is being polluted." Twila gives the other girls a pep talk--sort of, "We need tuh be strong and tuhgether if'n we're gonna beat those boys--ah don' know how we can do thet, but we gotta." Lisa is glad to be with the older girls instead of the younger girls, while Eliza claims to be "repulsed" by Lisa. You just know that Eliza gets screened a lot by her friends' caller ID. She's the type of person who would try even her close friends, "Oh man, it's Eliza. I just can't DEAL with her right now."

Rory tells Chris that he's upset about getting votes but then tells us he's not--Rory, the camera is always watching. Chris is confident that the five guy alliance of Chris, Rory, Chad, Bubba and Sarge will stay the course. Brady is quite bitter about this, as is John who complains, "I can't stand what's happened--the good young guys with great personalities who are athletes are all gone--why are we letting fat dudes run the show?" Awwwwww, poor wittle John. I love when great-looking people freak out when everyone else isn't falling all over them, because they don't realize what's going on. Hey John, this is what it feels like to be nothing special! :D And you aren't "letting" anything happen--that would imply you have power. And there hasn't exactly been a 100 yard dash or a who-can-do-the-most-sit-ups challenge either. Brady and John are convinced the men will keep losing challenges without THEM around to be all athletic and studly--Brady promptly brains himself with a coconut to illustrate what an asset he is. Then Brady tells us that he has a plan to become invaluable to the tribe by becoming the food provider. Great idea...except that has NEVER WORKED IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR!!! When ill these people ever learn? But Brady looks great fishing with the spear, which was all I asked of Agent Boyfriend's Last Stand.

REWARD HAIKU

if you can recall
victory is yours whether
you're strong or not

The women are all excited and start talking about how they think they have better memories then the men. That's what I hate about men v. women---everything gets turned into battle of the sexes, when it really is just teams. One guy couldn't get over the balance beam, ONE. But because it's an all-guy team it becomes "Men aren't as good at this." It's silly. The women win this game the same reason a mixed-gender team would have won : they are able to capitalize on the other team's misfortune. A beautiful rainbow appears to the women before the competition, and they're convinced it's an omen. The tribes gather on the beach and Jeff doesn't point out that JP and Mia gone--Jeff! People at "Survivor" parties have drinking games, and they count on you to say stuff like that, "Mia, voted out last night." "Wait for my go." "I'll go tally the votes." Sigh, Jeff is so dreamy. That's what's great about Survivor--they can keep voting out my boyfriend du jour, but Jeff always has immunity. And great guns. Seriously, Jeff, would it kill you to wear a tank-top just once? Okay, I'm embarrassing myself and making people uncomfortable--you'd think I was ON a reality show, and not just writing about one. Anyway, Reward is 24 hours of Vanuatu Survival Training from a native man named "Daw." Not sure if that's how to spell it, but that's how it's said. The game is "memory" where you uncover two items, and everyone tries to remember where everything is so they can find pairs--first team to five wins. The men have a run of bad luck, because they keep uncovering new items in their first pick--and items people have seen before on the second. So the women are able to make pairs and the men aren't. Both teams have one failure each--John and Twila are the only two contestants who fail to make a pair when they uncover an item whose mate has already been seen by the group. At one point, Eliza pairs two grapefruits and as she walks back with them Ami says, "nice grapefruits," and I honestly couldn't tell if that was a boob joke or if she was being sincere in that odd-Ami way. The women win, and Lisa does a little victory dance but Rory doesn't get angry this time, in fact he congratulates the ladies on their success. Rory seems to be mellowing out---or maybe he's just too hungry to get riled up anymore. The girls walk home arm-in-arm, something that wouldn't have happened if Mia was still around, and we learn that rainbow does indeed trump magic rock...

IN AWE OF DAW

Daw shows up in his outrigger boat, and wastes no time in showing the women how much food they have lying around uneaten. He speaks almost no English (at one point one of the women greats him with the Spanish "hola" like That's gonna help) but quickly he and the women are able to communicate with signs. Daw is pretty awesome--he climbs up tree trunks like Spiderman and he wields a machete like nobody's business. The women learn how to crack a coconut properly (instead of beating it into submission as they'd been doing), how to get milk from the unripe coconuts, where to find manioc, cabbage and sugarcane. Julie is especially happy about the sugarcane--you can tell because she almost smiles. Almost. Daw hacks open a bamboo trunk and makes a mattress and then takes the women on a torch-lit crab hunt. They don't find any crabs, but they find something even more important--*sniff* each other! It's very healing, everyone hugs, and in the morning, the women sing for Daw as he rows away. Lisa started it, and it was some kind of spiritual, and it was supposed to be all warm and fuzzy, but it had a creepy Manson Family kind of vibe to it.

The men, meanwhile, are totally dejected. Bubba in particular, who's had it with boiled plantains and misses his wife and young sons enormously. He gets emotional when he starts talking about how important his kids are to him but according to CBS Fantasy League Survivor he doesn't actually cry. Whatever, CBS. I want my 10 points. Anyway, Rory takes Bubba aside and warns him, "Hey, you got to hide your love away!" Rory warns bubba on the danger of being perceived as a "loner." And if anyone should know, it's Rory. Or is it? This episode shows Rory getting along great with Chris, Chad and Bubba. Bubba tells us that Rory is misunderstood, mostly by Sarge. Then we get an "odd couple" montage of Sarge and Rory bickering about every last little thing, and everyone else getting irritated. Bubba complains that he's "Tard" of all the fighting between the two, but it seems Sarge could just as easily go as Rory. Later, Rory takes the Hawaiian Sling and goes off to play. "I understood the concept of it, but I didn't have any ability to aim it," he chuckles. He practices his aim by firing the delicate instrument into a tree trunk several times before going off to poke around the reef. See, that's not misunderstood, that's obnoxious. Brady tries to drive home this point with Sarge, who seems to agree that Rory is an idiot, but then, he's been on that page since day one. It still hasn't caused Sarge to vote out Rory before any of the young bucks. Brady oversells his point by insisting that no one will ever vote out Rory because no one will ever feel threatened by him. That ain't the only reason people get voted out in Survivor, Brady. Rory is irritating enough to find himself on the wrong side of a pile of votes, that's for dang sure. And if Rory winds up winning this whole thing, I'll eat a hat.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

tricky puzzle solved
one team works together well
other, not so much

A puzzle must be solved. There's a 16 card grid with cards bearing four different symbols and four different colors. So there's four skulls, one red, one brown, one black, one green. And so on for the other three symbols. The teams must arrange these cards on a grid so that no same symbol or color is in the same row or column. So, its all about diagonals. Hey look, yet another challenge where Brady and John's muscles are totally unnecessary. Huh. Survivor doesn't even TRY to pretend there's gonna be any mystery about this. As soon as Rory is announced as the men's caller--who sits on a perch and directs the team, an ominous drumroll is heard. Then they start playing this twangy background music every time the men are arguing with each other, to illustrate how they aren't working together at all. The girls meanwhile, kick ass. Eliza uses her talking for GOOD, instead of evil, and is a good facilitator. She's not "in charge," she just has a better vantage point. When Scout mentions a diagonal, Eliza yells, "YES, do what Scout just said!" Rory just keeps barking orders to no apparent purpose. Jeff smirks, "I think Rory's lost control of his team." "Thanks a LOT, Jeff," Rory pouts.

The men of course are hella bummed about how badly they did. Not just the loss, but how bad a loss it is. Bubba sighs, "It was just a cluster you-know-what." I had NO idea that was such a popular phrase. And if you still don't know what, I still ain't telling you. Sarge blames Rory's lack of leadership, and Brady and John jump on the bandwagon. They're like the girl's on the Apprentice," always blaming their failure on the project manager, "We failed because Elizabeth didn't give me enough direction, not because I went thousands of dollars over budget on the flyers!" Whatever, Maria. Ahem, back to topic at hand. John K. tries to lobby Bubba to see how awesome he and Brady are. "Why is Rory even HERE," he whines. "He supposed to be real good at puzzles," Bubba drawls, "Ah guess he had a bad day." Okay, Shii Ann was allegedly really good at puzzles and she didn't last too long either. Being good at puzzles, fishing, cooking, leading--it's all nonsense people! It's a popularity contest, it's political contest, it's a numbers game. All that matters is relationships. Rory's got a deal with four other guys--That's why he's here, no matter what Bubba tells John. Bubba suggests to John that he vote for Brady to show the other guys he's a team player. John sneers, "What do you guys have to offer? You can't possibly win without me and Brady and our flat stomachs and winning smiles!" John...grow up and get over yourself. Bubba asks John who he thinks is in charge and Johns sucks up to him by guessing Bubba, even though I don't think he actually believes that. It's Sarge who's calling the shots, Bubba insists. I think it's Chris who's letting Sarge THINK he;'s calling the shots. Rory frets about Sarge changing his vote, and Sarge admits to us that Brady is a real hard worker and the type of person he'd want to go into battle with (Brady is former military, by the way). Of course that's all a smokescreen...

ANTICLIMACTIC TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff picks on Rory, saying how he was surprised the men picked him to lead them and not at all surprised when that turned out to be a disaster. Hey Jeff, I don't like him all that much either but....lay off. Bubba insists that they're gonna be a new team come tomorrow, you just wait! and Jeff makes fun of him too. Jeff is CRANKY. Brady chastises the team for getting rid of everyone who's perceived as an individual threat down the road this early in the game. Chris argues that they don't know for a fact that the women are gonna stick to gether in the event of a merge and Jeff makes fun of him for assuming they wouldn't, even though that didn't happen in the Amazon. The women did turn on one another and so did the men--new alliances were formed. Jeff must be hungry or something, he's talking crazy! Rory casts his vote for Brady and sputters some nonsense about "The spirits wanting him gone." No, YOU want him gone. Honestly. Brady goes down 6-1, with John joining the fat dudes because he has no choice. I think it makes perfect sense for the "fat dudes" [they're not really all that fat, it's just funny to say] to get rid of the athletic people this early--especailly since the women are getting rid of their younger people too. And the competitions ARE being designed to not give the men an unfair advanatge, so there isn't going to be a weightlifting contest anyway.

Brady finishes in 14th place and joins surly Stacy who sued, the lovely Mad Dog, Carl the dentist, My beloved husband Hunter, Jed the OTHER Dentist, Daniel who couldn't stay on the balance beam and my arch nemesis Lill the Boy Scout leader who came back. I'll never QUITE forgive Mark Burnett for that. SO slot 14 seems unlucky for dentists and guys I think are gorgeous. Interesting. Next week, we're promised a shuffle which makes things difficult to predict--will the tribes try to stick together by gender? Or will the two packs of older folks join together to oust the younger players as they've been doing? I tend to think the latter...if Eliza's chattiness irritates the girls, you KNOW it will grate on the guys although I'd think Sarge would have to be careful about bossing the women around. It just seems to me that it would benefit the fat dudes to dump Eliza and Julie, the same way it would benefit the older women to get rid of John. But who knows, maybe this whole shake-up is due to Burnett and co. freaking out that the best-looking people are looking doomed. Speaking of shake-ups, we've also got some earthquakes coming up--whoooooa! Beware of falling coconuts, little Survivors! <:o That goes for all of you too--I mean, you can't be too careful.

Peace! :D

Survivor 9.3 "Oh my GOD, would you PLEASE stop talking?"

Hey everyone! :D

We pick up where we left off--Eliza has stunned her partners in youth, Mia and Julie...and the wannabe youngster, Lisa. Eliza tells us, "Dolly thought she was the swing vote, okay? But that's not what happened, what happened was I totally blindsided HER, me, I did, so then everyone wanted to hear why I did that!" Mia seems more ticked at being left out of the decision than losing her alleged friend Dolly.

Morning finds the men fixing their shelter or building a new one--I have no idea. More importantly, Sarge has no idea where Rory is. Professor Rory is out on one of his jaunts. He finds some fruit and gushes, "Vitamin C! Marvelous! This shall provide much needed sustenance for the other gents, and I shall be the hero of all!" Little does he know, he is quickly becoming the tribe's goat. Sarge complains, "Rory doesn't do a lot of physical work. He's an individualist, and my career as an Army drill sergeant is based on stomping out individualism whenever I see it." So Rory strolls into camp with his bag of limes, ready for his parade, and instead he's confronted by an unhappy Sarge, who thinks Rory goes on too many walks. Rory dramatically produces a lime (or a severely unripe lemon) and announces, "THIS is why I go on WALKS," and then waits for applause. Sarge condescends, "You found that itty bitty lime? Cool." Rory tells Sarge if he thinks he should do more work, he should come to him and tell him. Rory, that's what he's just now doing. He didn't earlier because he couldn't find you. Neither man is doing himself any favors. Rory huffs, "Sarge wants to dictate to everyone--well I'm a grown-ass man. And I don't take orders real well, thank you VERY much." So Rory is choosing to be a loner in a game of social politics--we'll see how that works out. But Sarge should also wake up and realize that the other men have put him in the leadership role so that he can do all the feather-ruffling for the group. JP grins to the camera and blathers, "The conflict between Rory and Sarge can only be good for JP. JP just has to play all the angles, bro! Hopefully Sarge will say to himself, you know, I should just dump Rory and take along JP! He's a winner!" JP seems better suited for "Real World" than "Survivor," if only he weren't too old. He has that "Real World" manner about him, of trying to convey the obvious as though it were genius.

MADAME MACHETE?

Morning finds the women at odds with one another. Twila is obsessively sharpening the machete--we'll watch for signs of an unhealthy friendship ala Sir Matt and Mr. Machete. Mia announces that she wants to go a major food hunt--or as Sarge would call it, a "walk." Julie, who I think is more Vulcan than Native American drones, "Perhaps we should come up with some sort of rotation system in terms of chores so the older people won't complain about us not working?" Mia barks, "HOW ARE PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT WORK? EVERYONE OF US WORKS! BLEH!" Julie sighs in her usual monotone, "Honey, am I on your side or what?" Since Mia was yelling at Twila even though she was answering Julie, Twila tries to answer, "Wait a minute, we all--" "TWILA WE ALL DO WORK BLEH BLEH BLEH! VENOM!!!" Mia continues to spit and curse and rant and accuse Twila of "calling out the youngun's" and "playing the martyr card," while Twila tries to clarify that she never said that the young people didn't work, just that some people did more than others. Then they both call one another bitches and focus their arguments. Twila insists the girls do too much swimming and yakking, and Mia insists they'd work just as hard as Twila does, it's just she does all the work before they can get to it. What I don't get is Mia assertion that Twila "Threw us all under the bus at Tribal last night." It's not like Jeff's gonna issue fines because they aren't working. If you're really doing your share, then the others will be aware of that. All Twila did at TC was mention who was working the hardest when ELIZA praised Twila as the hardest worker. Mia is seriously one of the most unpleasant, obnoxious contestants in Survivor history. And she is living proof that your mom wasn't exaggerating when you made a face and she warned it might freeze that way. Twila isn't concerned, "Mia's mayd cuz she knows ah'm raht. Git off yer ass an' do sumpin. Ah ain't takin' her crap, ah'll tell ya whuht. Ah ain't here to make no friends." You'll want to at least PRETEND to make a few, Twila. Because of the voting and stuff.

Julie and Eliza go to get Tree Mail and Julie wonders, "So what's up with you? Everyone thinks you're sketchy." "I think I might BE sketchy! Isn't that exciting!? I'm so unpredictable! But listen, I am NOT in an alliance with those other women I voted for Dolly because she looked me RIGHT in the eye and told me right before Tribal Council that she was gonna vote for some random person! I voted with them ONE time but now I'm TOTALLY WITH YOU GUYS! I really am!" On their way back to camp, they are met by Lisa and Mia, and Julie fails to make it sound like a coincidence, "Oh HEY, just the people we wanted to see. Imagine that." Then she, Mia and Lisa beat Eliza to death and throw her body into the jungle. Okay, not really, but it seemed possible for a moment. The mean girls all demand a loyalty oath from Eliza and Mia demands they go after Twila because, "I can't STAND that bitch!" Then she points aggressively at Eliza, "Don't switch!" Mia probably sleeps aggressively. The mean girls pledge their devotion to one another, but Lisa is hedging her bets, "I've got a back-up plan," she smiles to us. "Hmmm", America wonders....The girls get back to camp to read Tree Mail

REWARD AND IMMUNITY COMBO HAIKU

Someone's going home
whether you win or lose
so who really cares

The women are bummed to read that they may face back-to-back Tribal Councils, except for Mia, who's looking forward to being free of Twila tonight. Hee hee :D When the women arrive at the Challenge Beach, they can't tell who's gone. When Jeff tells them it's Dolly, JP's face falls, "Dolly, the hot blonde! Crap!" Don't worry JP, it won't concern you for very long. Jeff tells them that the Reward is a fishing mask and Rupert's Hawaiian Sling. Because even though Rupert isn't here, you know he still THINKS it's his. Then Jeff drops the bomb--both tribes will be sending someone home tonight. "Nooooooooo," Eliza whines. The tribe that wins reward will compete in a competition for individual immunity. Sarge frowns at the use of the "i word." Of course, it's an obstacle course. Unfortunately for the ladies, there's not a balance beam in sight. They suck at untying knots, which I recall plagued the women in the Amazon, too. Then they have to use a grappling hook to retrieve some keys that lay out of reach on the beach and I have to make my usual comment about how this reminds me of the Brady Bunch trying to break out of the ghost town jail on the way to the Grand Canyon. JP is the all-star of team, which of course means nothing in the long run. In the short term, however, the men win reward. The women watch as the men try for individual immunity by digging up ladder rungs in order to construct and ascend their ladder before anyone else does. John K wins and JP pretends not to be devastated by it. Then Jeff lays yet another twist to the game--John K. will be returning with the girls to their camp so that he can decide to who to bestow his immunity on, once he's done with it. Intriguing...

Once they're at Yasur, John asks to see a show of hands--who voted for Dolly, who didn't? The girls oblige when asks to talk to each group separately. If they were truly one tribe, someone should have insisted, "That's none of your business, enemy-in-search-of-Intel," but since the young girls hate the older girls and the older girls are proud of how they outflanked Dolly, John easily gets his way. Mia doesn't get it at all, "JOHN IMMEDIATELY MADE A STANCE [sic] THAT THE DOLLY PEOPLE GO ON ONE SIDE AND THE LEANN PEOPLE ON THE OTHER AND IT MADE NO SENSE. WHAT DOES THAT MATTER!? I THOUGHT IT WAS RIDICULOUS! NYAH!" John talks to older girls and Eliza first. Eliza takes charge, "Well, what you need to know is that these guys were all wanting to vote me out--" Leann and Ami object to this, and Eliza continues, "Okay, anyways, some of them wanted me out and I go to Dolly, I'm all, Dolly, what are you gonna do and it was like hours before Tribal Council and I'm all, what are you gonna do and she's all I don't know and I all dude..." She tells us, "I thought it was important that John know that everything at Tribal Council last night revolved around me." John cuts off Eliza's narrative, "So Dolly was trying to play both sides?" and the other four women answer, "Yup." "That's all I need to know," John nods, and the other women are satisfied with this but of course Eliza continues to harangue John, "It was just hours before Tribal Council and said to Dolly look me in the eyes and tell me you won't vote for me and she was all, "I'm gonna vote for a random person" and I'm all, DUDE..." The mean girls watch from a distance and Mia sneers, "NO WAY WOULD JOHN KEEP TWILA AROUND. HE'LL GIVE IT TO ONE OF US YOUNG GIRLS...OR LISA." Julie mutters smugly, "That's it, Eliza, dig yourself in a hole." Eliza keeps monopolizing John, as she tries to sell him a line about how they all get along sooooooo well. John chuckles, "Eliza didn't stop talking. She seems really sweet, and by sweet I mean she has a nice face and a great rack, but I was like, Oh my GOD, would you PLEASE stop talking?"

Then John goes to the young girls and wonders, "Okay, flat out, who should I give it to?" and the mean girls assume he's on their side because he's cute like them (puhleeze) and Mia brays, "JUST NOT TWILA," and John assures them that was never his intention, which makes them think he gives a crap about them and then Julie adds, "Or Eliza," and the mean girls all cackle, drunk with cruelty and oblivious to the fact that they're pointlessly revealing each and every rift that exists in the tribe. Have you girls EVER WATCHED THIS SHOW? John reveals to us that he doesn't really care who gets voted off--he just doesn't want anyone to be angry at him in case there's a tribe switch or he makes it to the merge. Ah HA, someone who's watched the show. Eliza strolls up and Mia sneers and then bats her eyes at John, "Tell her to go away, you big strong man, you." John tries to change the subject away from Eliza, "So, you girls catch any good crabs lately?" But the dumb mean girls either don't take his hint or are too arrogant to give a crap. Julie asks Eliza if she's teetering and Eliza gets all indignant, "Nuh UH! I'm 100% with you guys, for reals! The only reason I voted with the other girls that one time was because I asked Dolly point blank right before Tribal Council, are you gonna vote for me and she was all I don't know and I was all, dude--" well, you know this story by now, don't ya? Mia snarls, "You AREN'T voting for ME!?" and Eliza gets all offended, "No way in HELL! Scout is all old and is a detriment in challenges--like that time where I was all, are there any more pieces in the water and she was all no and I was all I think there are and she was all no and then Jeff was all, there's another piece in the water and I was all, dude, what did I tell you, I was all, I think there's another piece--" Lisa is opposed to voting out Scout, as is Mia, "We're voting out Twila because I hate that bitch! RAHHHH." What's really odd about the whole thing is the girls seem to WANT to hash this all out in front of John, as though it will impress him. As though he were not only a member of their tribe (which he ain't) but also their leader. It must be some instinct shallow girls get when they're around hot guys, I dunno. Anyway, the girls finally leave John so that Mia, Julie and Lisa can gang up on Eliza and threaten her about not switching sides. Mia insists they can force a tie and that she will vanquish Twila. When she once again tries to bully Eliza, Eliza pouts, "Fine, if you don't trust me, maybe I WILL vote with those guys against you!" And if she meant that, and was actually sticking up for herself, she'd have gained a fan, but of course she doesn't. Julie sighs, "Let's not do this now, okay? Emotion gives me a headache."

Back at the men's camp, JP is the master of subtlety, "We kicked ASS on those rings, didn't we? And by we I mean too-valuable-to-vote-out me." Then he grins to us, "I needed immunity more than anyone else--I like to call myself dead man walking," as though this was the most clever thing anyone's ever said on any Survivor ever, "Sarge and Rory have been having some conflict, so JP's gonna be all over that angle, let me tell you." However, the way he handles this is by suggesting that BRADY go to Sarge and offer him a deal if Rory goes before the young bucks. But, Einstein, why have Brady build the relationship instead of you? Sigh. Faux Chief Sarge complains to Real Chief Chris, "I've got a bad feeling about one of our pack, he's got a sorry attitude and I can't stand to be around him!" Chris sighs, "I assume you're talking about Rory, even though you have this annoying habit of not saying his name whenever you badmouth him?" "Yeah, that's right." 'Well, I understand what you're saying, and we'll handle it, but now is not the time." Word on that one. Get rid of cheesy JP first.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks the guys about their tribe and they spout all the familiar Survivor nonsense about how they're a family. Brady outs Sarge as a softie. John arrives and wows the men, who are impressed with how he thought to split the girls down their voting line to get to the truth of how they're really two separate tribes. He then invokes the bad math of the Pearl Islands doomed Morgan tribe by saying he's 150% sure of who he's gonna give Immunity to. Jeff then asks the men what they're basing tonight's vote on, and JP says, "Who's gonna make the tribe stronger, who has the talents and skill sets to make the best possible tribe we can be." If I HAD liked JP, he would've lost me at "skill sets." Sarge says that the person going home tonight is "a casualty of war." Which is a tacky analogy to make when our country actually IS at war and people actually ARE dying, if you ask me, but Sarge is the military dude, and I guess he wants to remind of us of that from time to time. Brady votes for Rory, "Nothing personal, I'm just being consistent." Uh...I think when you keep voting for the same person over and over, it IS personal, dude. JP goes down 5-3. John spells Rory "Roory" while JP goes with "Royry." Then Jeff chastises the men, "You keep saying you want the tribe to be strong, and that's what you're basing your votes on, but then you've voted out two of your strongest members!" And by strong, Jeff means "young." I think the older guys made the right move here, but them I'm 33, and that makes me "old" by Survivor standards. The men file out except for John, who waits to bestow immunity on one of the girls. JP insists in his exit speech, "I don't feel like the JP was outwitted, outplayed or outlasted." Um. Dude. When you're playing a game, and then other players knock you out of the game and you're no longer playing and they still are? Dictionary definition of outplayed. JP ends up in 16th place with Sonya the ukulele player, Bossy Deb, Diane the liar, Peter who talked too much about Number Two, Bossy John, Ryan the model and Nicole.

SECOND TRIBAL COUNCIL

John wastes no time in giving Immunity to a surprised Ami. Why? "I knew Ami wasn't gonna get voted out no matter what. By giving Immunity to Ami, I think the person who gets voted out is going to be the person who was going to get voted out anyway. You guys need to do that yourselves, without any interference by ME," the women all nod, impressed and flattered, as he continues, "I think you'll learn a lot about yourselves tonight--you are two tribes, not one." After imparting this wisdom, he leaves--and he's probably wondering how to save his own butt since his tribe is just like the girls'. Okay, it's a little quieter, but it's also two tribes, and it's split down age lines and unless there's a shake-up or Sarge finally has it with Rory, John K's probably a goner. He's made allies with the women--he played it so well. By wrapping his policy of non-involvement in a wrapper of trust, he will be remembered as a help to whichever group emerges in-charge after TC. Amy admits to Jeff that she thought John would've given Immunity to someone who really needed it. Jeff asks how things went down after LAST NIGHT'S TC, and Scout says Mia was pissed about Dolly's ouster and went off on Twila the next day. Mia sneers, "I wasn't upset about DOLLY, I was upset that TWILA called us out as bad workers and said we were lazy!" Jeff wonders when this was and is surprised to learn that this alleged calling out happened at Tribal, "I don't remember Twila calling you out, Mia." "IT WAS IMPLIED, JEFF! BLAH!" Julie icily insists that the young girls dislike of Twila goes deeper than the issue of who works harder (because unlike Mia, she knows they can't win that argument). She claims that Twila hasn't made any effort to know the mean girls. Twila snorts, "Whah would ah go up tuh people who roll thar ahs at me evur tahm ah walk bah?" Mia jumps in, "TWILA, YOU ONLY GIVE ONE-WORD ANSWERS WHEN WE TIED TO TALK TO YOU THAT ONE TIME--IT WAS ANNOYING! RAAAAH! YOU DON'T LIKE US, BITCH!" Twila admits she's a tomboy and gets along better with men then she does women. She fixes trucks, she doesn't wear make-up--what on earth could she talk about with the youngun's? Ami, empowered her Immunity, tells Twila, "They're girls, Twila. They like to play on the beach and talk about boys and eyeliner and bake cookies and they're bad at untying knots!" Hey, Ami, who's side are you on? Ami suggests that Twila IS at fault in not reaching out to the younguns, "You should ask one of them to French-braid your hair! Find your feminine side! Pillow fight! Who's with me?" Twila laughs, "Ah don' think ah have a fem-in-em-in-em-in-em sahd. But you kin do muh har if'n ya want. An' muh nails while yer at it!" Careful, Twila, Ami may take you up on it, like it or not. Scout tells Jeff her vote tonight will be based on her desire to root out disharmony in the group and Mia's eyes roll out of their sockets and hit Jeff in the face. Jeff calls her on it and Mia sniffs, "I think that was directed at ME, and Twila is JUST as much to blame for the fight we had today, even though I started it and am like, ten times as loud she is! BLAH!" Eliza agrees with Scout's reasoning, that the vote should be based on trying to achieve some kind of "Ya-Sur Sisterhood," "But I would like, totally keep everyone if like, that was possible, but this is Survivor so that would be impossible because you have to like, vote people out or else no one would ever win!" Eliza is this year's person who always puts sad faces on her votes, awww. I'm SURE it softens the blow. Mia of course votes for Twila and hisses, "I don't want to spend another DAY on this island with you!" :D Mission accomplished, sweetie pie! The ever quotable Scout shakes her head, "Mia, your volcano erupts more than I'd like. Good luck finding a husband that'll put up with you." Double Standard Alert: I laughed my head off when she said this, but had Sarge said it, I'd be quite offended :D Now, I was mighty nervous watching this, and there wasn't time enough left, it was like, 8:55 and I was like, "It can't be a tie, there's no time! Who switched sides?" When that 5th vote came up for Mia (who had to make a rude face every time she saw her name) I was as shocked as Eliza, who finds herself at the other end of a surprise vote and discovers it's not that much fun. And then the camera cuts to a guilty-looking Lisa, and it's then that America realizes what Lisa's back-up plan was: she stopped lying about her age, and joined the older girls. Sweet. In her exit, Mia snipes, "Twila, you don't have the social skills to play this game! Nyah!" Well, you're the one who just got kicked out of the tribe, dumbass. Mia finishes in 15th place with B.B. the bossy quitter, Kel who was odd but also framed, Jessie the hot girl who puked, bossy Patricia, Tanya a different hot girl who puked, Janet who was also framed...probably, and Nerd Ryan.

Notice how bossiness is the number one killer of Survivors, just ahead of being too wimpy to hack it and being accused of smuggling food? Sarge should take heed. Tonight, things don't look good for Brady, who hasn't been very interesting, so maybe it's not a big loss. If he goes, at least it's after a lot of shirtless swimming. John K. seems a better target, since he may have made alliances with some of the girls. And there's always Rory. If the girls go to TC, I think we'll see the end of Sour Julie, and that's just fine with me.

I will be traveling this week, so I may not get out a review of tonight's show until I return. Or maybe I'll surprise myself and do it tonight.

Peace :D