Survivor 9.6 "If you got it, sunbathe it."

RORY HELLA BUGS

I have to warn any Rory fans out there--please tell me there aren't actually Rory fans out there? Anyway, he's approaching Lill territory for me. Scout, ever the peacemaker, thanks Rory for working on the fire once the gang has returned to Tribal Council. This is a guy who knew it was either gonna be him or the other guy going home, and it WAS the OTHER guy, and he's STILL hacked off and fuming. He huffs, "Well, APPARENTLY I have to keep WARM," he snivels, and when she asks him to explain what he means, he bellows, "Leave it ALONE. Right Now you all are showing me something I'm not very impressed with so, for the sake of the tribe I'm gonna hold my tongue!" Uh, right back at you, and puhleeze. Is there anything more manipulative and insincere than announcing that you're furious BUT too big a person to say why? Ugh. UGH, I say! He tells us, "The ladies made a mistake by letting it slip at Tribal Council that I was gonna be voted out before Bubba!" First of all, only Ami said that, and it was probably for effect. Secondly, they chose to keep you! UGH! Then he blusters about how he was straight up with the women from the start and then he plays the race card, by referring to the "chopping block" as the "auction block." I am disappointed at ALL the women for not telling him to his face to shut the hell up. Instead they basically let him accuse them all of being racist liars. My biggest problem with Rory's wrath is that he acts as though he were ENTITLED to a fair shake when the tribes got shook up, like the women are under some obligation to judge him on merit when this is a game of politics and numbers and they can vote him out for whatever the hell reason they want--including the fact that they're an all woman tribe and he's a dude. So, Rory insists to us that his whole behavior was a ploy, "I can't push them too far, I want to push them JUST far enough. I want to paint myself as the angry brother who's welcomed back into the fold." Well, you pushed ME too far already, Rory. And don't tell me your anger is an act, not after that fit you threw over Mia's victory dance. Scout is less angry than I am, shrugging, "Rory had a fit and fell in it and he's sitting over there on his pity pot--hopefully he'll wipe his ass and get over it." Don't count on it :/ It's Rory's "master plan."

ODD WOMEN OUT

Actually, everyone's getting along at the new Sarge tribe. Sarge says, "It's a blessing to have women around--not that we need them, don't get me wrong." Cut to him admitting to the whole tribe, "Now that there's women here, my dreams are starting to get...elaborate." Julie asks him to elaborate on that, and he mercifully declines. Chris worries that a pretty girl like Julie could sweet talk her way until the Final four and then wind up going for the money in the end--Rich Jenna, we're looking in your direction. Julie's not as irritating as Jenna, though--mainly because she has no discernible personality whatsoever. Without irony, she deadpans to us that she's glad to be away from all the passive-aggression that abounded in the women's tribe, as if she wasn't one of the main sources of it. When the Sarges start speculating about who's gotten the boot, Julie drones, "I'd laugh if one of the guy's was gone," which seems like a stupid thing to like, SAY around the rest of the guys, who are probably deciding whether to dump her or Twila. I think she MAY have been saying she'd laugh because it would be stupid to do so, but I'm not since there's never any inflection to her voice it's hard to say. Twila, thrilled to be amongst men instead of girls, hopes that Eliza has gotten the boot. Everyone is sure that wise ol' Scout is safe, and Sarge insists, "Well, everyone loves Bubba--he's safe for SURE." Which, though Julie may not recognize it, is Sarge's passive aggressive way of saying, "I hate Rory and I hope he's GONE." Later, Twila and Julie go off to talk strategy which pretty much consists of "keep winning so they don't have the opportunity to vote us out because we're odd out." See, Rory, they get it. They're not entitled to a fair shot, it's frickin' SURVIVOR.

RORY BUGS SOME MORE

The Scout's get some tree mail and Scout gathers everyone for a tribe chant! Woo Hoo! Let's go into the Reward Challenge as a united team! Rory insists on bringing everyone down, however. He smiles and says, "First of all, I'd like to apologize for all the horrible things I said to you in my mind last night." Uh. Ooookay. That's not in the least bit threatening but WAIT, it gets better! He adds, "When I get angry, I get extraordinarily hurtful." Wow. Rory sure knows how to make a case--I mean, that sounds like a guy I'd like to have sleeping next to me with a machete for the next three weeks. Then he demands a fair shot that he's not actually entitled too, then he pitches a sob story about how he CAN'T go back to his old tribe because they'll ASSUME he sold Bubba out (truth be told, he can't go back because Sarge can't stand him) and he acts like this is somehow the girls' fault and then he demands a chance at surviving the next Tribal Council or else he refuses to "slave around camp." And again, no one calls him on any of this--how creepy his opening was, how illogical he's being, how offensive his accusations are. They all seem to like him--this is where the Lill factor comes in--I hated her and yet all those stupid contestants kept going on and on about what a nice person she was, until she got hammered in the Finale (bless you, Rupert.) Rory seems to have that mojo working for him, and I don't like it one bit. And AGAIN, Rory laughingly insists that this was ALL an act, a "cheesy" speech meant to engender sympathy with the women. Well, if you really want to stick around, you might wanna make this your last threatening, sanctimonious, disingenuous, accusatory rant. And since Rory insists that you aren't gonna like him when he's angry (and he's right), I've decided to dub him The Incredible Sulk.

REWARD HAIKU

squealing pigs scatter
Survivors fall in the mud
except for Eliza

The tribes gather, and everyone's stunned to see Bubba gone. Sarge looks kinda pissed, actually. But thoughts of Bubba are quickly replaces with the promise of Steak and Eggs to the winner of a pig-catching contest. It seems like bacon or ham would be a more appropriate Reward for the PIG challenge, but what do I know? Each team appoints a gatekeeper, who has the easy task of keeping the gate shut, as the others must run around in the mud catching two pigs each and putting them behind said gate. The Scouts pick Scout and the Sarges pick Julie. It's a very icky challenge, but everyone throws themself into it--except for prissy Eliza, who seems more concerned that her shorts are riding up on her than she is over the fact that she isn't really diving into the mud to tackle a pig. Her reluctance to do so costs her team valuable time before she quits and asks someone else to try. Everyone else on her team succeeds in catching one pig, but the Sarges each get two and win handily. Not that Eliza's balking wouldn't have hurt them eventually, but I also thought that the Sarges strategy of having each member catch both their pigs one after the other was superior to the Scouts plan, which had each person getting one and then turning it over to the next person.

STEAK AND EGGS RULE!

Twila exults in their victory over the girls who "wouldn't get thur fingernails dirty." Damn, Twila's sure got chip on her shoulder about women who groom themselves. Eliza was the lone princess on this one, honey. Sarge is so stoked about the Steak and Eggs that he claims he's gonna "Dude, dude, man, dude, raise the doggone roof," and even makes the raise the roof gesture. Sarge, you keep unfolding like a flower. Julie rags on Eliza for announcing that she couldn't' catch a pig--she's pretty smug considering she was the gatekeeper. Chris agrees, "I couldn't get over that balance beam, and I looked like an idiot, but at least I tried!" Sarge once again laments Bubba's absence.

ELIZA SUCKS!

Leann is very disappointed that they lost "the pig challenge." "Eliza didn't seem to want to get dirty," she complains, "Did she even get dirty?" Rory and Lisa commiserates and the Incredible Sulk, subtle as a ton of bricks as usual says "If you lose the next immunity, I'm going home and you ladies are SUNK." I don't think the women are freaked out over losing because they still hold a 7 to 5 majority over the men and they THINK that Twila and Julie will just join up with them at the merge. Rory is right about one thing, "Eliza is KILLING this team," he insists. Eliza apologizes to everyone for sucking so bad and everyone tells her to shake it off and that it doesn't mean anything and then they all run her down behind her back. For once, Ami isn't a raving bitch, and actually has some good advice and a comforting shoulder for Eliza, "Go ahead and cry, I'm sure I'll cry sometimes," Ami says, as though she were suddenly possessed by Mister Rogers. Eliza snuffles, "I'm-hic-not-hic-used to-snif-being-hic-bad-hic-at-hic things! I'm in the golden key honor society okay? I went to Sidwell Friends school, which is the same exclusive prep school that Chelsea Clinton went to okay? I'm pre-law at Syracuse University! I ran the Marine Corp Marathon! And okay, I totally like love Scout as a PERSON, okay but I wish she wasn't here because she's got her fake hip and whatever so she like always gets to be the weakest link sit out and like be gatekeeper and if she wasn't here I could be the weak link and sit out some challenges and like be gatekeeper--i SO could have been gatekeeper , but noooooo, Scout's gatekeeper and then it's so easy for her to like come back after doing NOTHING and being all, "good job ya'll" yeah, good job opening the frickin' GATE, Scout!" Ami is taken aback by Eliza's rant, and lectures, "You're all excuses right now, Eliza. You're a capable woman, a goddess! You need to tell yourself, I could have done that--I could have caught a pig. But I didn't, and next time I'll be better!" Eliza moans, "I don't think we can beat the other tribe because they have most of the men." Ami snarls, "You need to get that out of your head, Eliza. I'm not gonna give up just because that team has a bunch of muscles!" The Sulk is pleased to see that irritation over Eliza's failure is flowing like lava through the camp, "All I need to find is a fissure, a tiny little crack in the women's alliance--I think I've found my tiny little crack!" As we fade out on Eliza, aka Tiny Little Crack, aka TLC.

ODD WOMEN IN?

Julie stares into the camera and drones, "I'm a flirt, what can I say, it's how I connect with people," she winks. Then she announces to her tribe, "I need to tan my ass," and then she takes her clothes off, exposing her naked "buttocks region," as Sarge so...disturbingly puts it. Okay, maybe I'm old fashioned, but...that's not FLIRTING. That's stripping. Sarge admits that she looked good, "If you got it, sunbathe it," he laughs, but he doesn't get too wrapped up in staring at it--unlike Chad who can't take his eyes off the the thing. He stares. And then he stares. And then he puts his hand in front of his eyes to block the glare so he can stare yet even more. Say, uh Chad? You might want to check out your bio on CBS.com --it says you're MARRIED. Julie suspects that Twila's cooking up an alliance with the older guys, and it turns out she's right. Twila stands on Sarge's shoulders and chops down plantains with the machete. Sarge gushes, "Twila could be my best pal for the next 20 years. i could drink a beer with Twila, I could go to the races with Twila--and could put a dress on Twila and take her to dinner because she's a lady!" I know this was supposed to be complimentary, but like much of what comes out of Sarge's mouth, it's unintentionally creepy. Twila tells Sarge that neither she nor Julie are committed to going back to the women if there's a merge. "Don't go against us," Sarge warns, as if there'd be some consequences to that if the women merge with a majority over the men. Not that the women vs. men thing would remain strong at a merge (it certainly didn't happen in the Amazon) but Sarge is talking like he wields way more power than he does, in my opinion. Anyway, he enlists Twila to take Rory's spot in a Final Four with him, Chris and Chad, "We don't want to take John because we don't trust him," he says, pleasing this John-hating reviewer. "We want someone older, someone mature enough to know what it is to give your word to somebody," Sarge explains. Twila agrees, then turns around to tell us her word don't mean nothing, "Maybe ah'll stick tuh thet, maybe ah won' who knows? They're all lying sacks of sh** so it don' matter. Maybe they've tol' Julie the same thing and thur playin' me fer a fool." I enjoy Twila, but she seems destined to be that player that lets paranoia and mistrust guide her into fatal decisions. I think Sarge's offer is sincere, and she's an idiot if she doesn't realize that.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

swim swim swim some more
struggle suffer dive and climb
steak and eggs will help

The Immunity Challenge is brutal swimming contest in which four member must move wood blocks over an underwater rope course. It's very demanding, and is an example of how often times winning reward wins you immunity--you can't tell me that Leann would have punked out had she had the kind of protein the Sarges had. Much to Eliza's chagrin, I'm sure, Scout and Lisa are designated to stand on the beach and cheerlead and then put together the puzzle once all the wood pieces are in. Twila and Chad do the same for the Sarges. The contest is pretty even at first--Chris barely beats Ami, and then The Sulk catches the Scouts up by outswimming Sarge. For the record, Rory is an outstanding physical player--I may not like him, but I'll give him props on his effort. I won't call it 110%, but he gives 100% on these challenges, no question. Anyway, his his effort is for naught because Leann punks out. She tries to dive but can't do it, she's too drained. Not only does Julie blow her out in their leg, but John laps her, and the Sarges win without Tiny Little Crack even having the chance to mess things up again for the Scouts.

CRAZY AMI WIELDS HER POWER

Everyone's dejected except for TLC--Eliza can't believe her good fortune at Leann's monumental choke, "I know how you feel," she grins as she tries to comfort the devastated Leann. Thing is, Eliza doesn't know how Leann feels because Leann isn't oh, say, putting the blame on Scout. "I should go home," shaky Leann tells us, "I screwed up so bad--but I don't want to go home." Scout asks Leann if she can put it behind her, and she says she can and that she wants to stay. Tiny Little Crack looks over her shoulder to make sure no one's around and then whispers "No one doubts that you'll be here tomorrow." Uh, well someone must if you're making sure no one's listening. Maybe she's just afraid of getting The Sulk angry. Leann smiles, "You guys make me feel like the best loser ever!" Coming This Fall to NBC, wait, no that's something else. Leann confides, "I feel guilty because, if I don't go home tonight, someone's going home because of me." She's not a great player, per se, but I like Leann as a person. Now that I said that, watch her go nuts next week :)

Back at the campfire, Ami offers to join Scout on a manioc hunt and Lisa asks if she can go along. Ami is unthrilled, "What, we need three people to go get manioc?" And Lisa replies, "I'd just like to go, see where you go, in case...you know." Well, what Ami knows is that "you know" must mean that Lisa is furiously plotting against her, "That was really funny, that you'd say that," she passively aggresses. "Lisa is soooo sneaky, that comments was like, ooops. She revealed that she's out to get me!" Ami tells us, "I watch. I'm always watching--I never sleep because watching is the best way to figure things out! Rah!" On the manioc run, she tells Scout that she thinks Rory works to hard and she doesn't want to vote him out--which is a complete 180 from her earlier position that she was "sticking with the ladies." The women all seem won over by Rory's little hissy fits which boggles my mind but whatever. Scout says in that case, her vote will be for Eliza, and Ami says, "Huh. I'm not voting for Eliza," and she makes Scout pry it out of her, "After Lisa's rude comment, I'm voting for Lisa." Lisa, who, by the way is standing right there and Ami's not even acknowledging her presence and who's rude? Ugh. Lisa is flabbergasted and doesn't even know what Ami is talking about and Ami huffs, "Scout, please inform Lisa that I'm referring to the "you know" comment. Clearly, the only reason she'd want to know where the manioc is has to be she's preparing for what life will be like once she stabs me in the back! Rarrrrr!" Lisa begs Ami to believe her (it reminds me of a scene out of "The Crucible" with Ami as Abigail) and Ami will hear none of it, telling Scout, "I trust Eliza more than I trust Lisa," and then she has the unmitigated gall to add, "And Lisa, the anger I feel building up toward me isn't helping you one bit." :o Whaaaat? Lisa manages to choke out, "Well, I'm...offended." Because you're calling her a liar to her face, Ami, that's why there's the building anger. AGH. Scout the peacemaker holds out her hands and asks Lisa to pretend they're the Bible. The Religious Lisa swears on it, and that settles things in Scout's mind, but not Ami. The whole thing isn't sitting well with Lisa, who tells us, "I refuse to do that ever again! I'm not gonna swear to my God to prove myself to people I just met and I'm not kiss Ami's ass to stay in this game." Well, It's good of Lisa to refuse to swear on the Imaginary Bible ever again but, sadly, you DO have to kiss Ami's ass to stick around this tribe :(

The Incredible Sulk tells Scout that he adores Lisa and would prefer that Eliza goes. Scout shrugs, "Me too, but Ami won't agree." The Sulk insists, "Well, I would rather YOU figure out a way to change her mind." Oh, yes sir, your Roryness. Honestly. Scout tells him there's a tiff between Lisa and Ami, but doesn't reveal the particulars. The Sulk gloats to us, "Amazingly enough, my name isn't even gonna come up at Tribal Council!" Wrong. Then he goes on, "It's a knock out for The Kid! The rat has found his crack! No one gave me any odds to break this alliance of women and I broke it!!" What the HELL!? AGH! First of all, does he imagine people laying odds at Las Vegas casinos, "1000 to 1 against The Kid breaking up the Women's Alliance!" ugh, no one cares, Sulk. But more importantly, YOU DIDN'T BREAK UP ANY THING! The fissures and cracks existing between Ami and Lisa and between Eliza and everybody existed before you got here and they grew larger on their own accord! You were just lucky, Rory. Lucky! AGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

"You're in trouble, losers" Jeff says smugly but Scout is adamant, "We don't feel whupped yet." Jeff asks Leann if she feels a little responsible and she corrects him, "A LOT responsible, Jeff. Hopefully I'll have a chance to prove myself later." Jeff asks several people whether they're voting strictly out of loyalty or if they're voting out the weak, and every time someone declares it's out of loyalty, both Lisa and Rory look nervous. Jeff asks Eliza if she can be trusted and her very inventive not very clear answer is, "I think that the people I've told can trust me...DO trust me." Which kinda sounds like she's allowing for the fact that they may be suckers to do so. The Sulk tells Jeff that TLC never told him he could trust her so then she does on the spot and he seems skeptical. Your insight serves you well, Rory. Lisa insists she's sticking to her word with her vote, which is probably amusing to Tiny Little Crack since Lisa betrayed her when she voted out Mia BUT of course, Eliza lied to Lisa when she voted out Dolly. Now explain what Rory had to do to "break them up" beyond showing up? Nothing, thank you. Then The Incredible Sulk has to get all righteously indignant, "Jeff, I've been in a hot spot all along, my ass is hanging out." You know what people on Survivor: Vanuatu say almost as much as "dude"? "Ass." Then he rambles about how no one gives 1105 like he does and all he's asked is for a fair shake. He didn't go home last week and he knows he's not going home this week so why the heck is he so indignant? But, that's The Incredible Sulk.

Scout honors her friendship with Lisa by not voting for the doomed woman, who votes against Rory. I take childish glee in the fact that his name DID come up at Tribal Council, heh heh heh. Lisa goes out 4-2 and reminds those that voted her out that she was true to her word. In her exit, she insists her vote out was unfair. I agree, but honestly, she had sown some of the seeds of mistrust herself with her early alliance with Dolly and Mia and Julie.

Lisa finishes in 12th place along with a guy who had a REAL Bible with him, Dirk, Kimmi the Vegetarian who started whining and stopped bathing, Creepy Silas who was thwarted by the best tribe shake-up EVER, mellow Gabe who wanted to build a perfect society, boring lazy Stephanie the firefighter, spunky Jeanne who deserved better and boring-ass Michelle who none of you probably even remember. She was a friend of Burton's? Meh, I know, who really cares.

Next: Rory's still on shaky ground, but so is Tiny Little Crack, who can't stave off eviction FOREVER, can she? I think young John shouldn't feel TOO comfortable (though he probably does)--but Julie will go first if the Sarge's go to Tribal Council. Chris and Sarge need alliance-mate Chad to keep his eyes on the prize, and off Julie's butt, especially since the next person voted out SHOULD be the last person before the merge. Things are heating up :D

Peace! :)