Survivor 9.3 "Oh my GOD, would you PLEASE stop talking?"

Hey everyone! :D

We pick up where we left off--Eliza has stunned her partners in youth, Mia and Julie...and the wannabe youngster, Lisa. Eliza tells us, "Dolly thought she was the swing vote, okay? But that's not what happened, what happened was I totally blindsided HER, me, I did, so then everyone wanted to hear why I did that!" Mia seems more ticked at being left out of the decision than losing her alleged friend Dolly.

Morning finds the men fixing their shelter or building a new one--I have no idea. More importantly, Sarge has no idea where Rory is. Professor Rory is out on one of his jaunts. He finds some fruit and gushes, "Vitamin C! Marvelous! This shall provide much needed sustenance for the other gents, and I shall be the hero of all!" Little does he know, he is quickly becoming the tribe's goat. Sarge complains, "Rory doesn't do a lot of physical work. He's an individualist, and my career as an Army drill sergeant is based on stomping out individualism whenever I see it." So Rory strolls into camp with his bag of limes, ready for his parade, and instead he's confronted by an unhappy Sarge, who thinks Rory goes on too many walks. Rory dramatically produces a lime (or a severely unripe lemon) and announces, "THIS is why I go on WALKS," and then waits for applause. Sarge condescends, "You found that itty bitty lime? Cool." Rory tells Sarge if he thinks he should do more work, he should come to him and tell him. Rory, that's what he's just now doing. He didn't earlier because he couldn't find you. Neither man is doing himself any favors. Rory huffs, "Sarge wants to dictate to everyone--well I'm a grown-ass man. And I don't take orders real well, thank you VERY much." So Rory is choosing to be a loner in a game of social politics--we'll see how that works out. But Sarge should also wake up and realize that the other men have put him in the leadership role so that he can do all the feather-ruffling for the group. JP grins to the camera and blathers, "The conflict between Rory and Sarge can only be good for JP. JP just has to play all the angles, bro! Hopefully Sarge will say to himself, you know, I should just dump Rory and take along JP! He's a winner!" JP seems better suited for "Real World" than "Survivor," if only he weren't too old. He has that "Real World" manner about him, of trying to convey the obvious as though it were genius.

MADAME MACHETE?

Morning finds the women at odds with one another. Twila is obsessively sharpening the machete--we'll watch for signs of an unhealthy friendship ala Sir Matt and Mr. Machete. Mia announces that she wants to go a major food hunt--or as Sarge would call it, a "walk." Julie, who I think is more Vulcan than Native American drones, "Perhaps we should come up with some sort of rotation system in terms of chores so the older people won't complain about us not working?" Mia barks, "HOW ARE PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT WORK? EVERYONE OF US WORKS! BLEH!" Julie sighs in her usual monotone, "Honey, am I on your side or what?" Since Mia was yelling at Twila even though she was answering Julie, Twila tries to answer, "Wait a minute, we all--" "TWILA WE ALL DO WORK BLEH BLEH BLEH! VENOM!!!" Mia continues to spit and curse and rant and accuse Twila of "calling out the youngun's" and "playing the martyr card," while Twila tries to clarify that she never said that the young people didn't work, just that some people did more than others. Then they both call one another bitches and focus their arguments. Twila insists the girls do too much swimming and yakking, and Mia insists they'd work just as hard as Twila does, it's just she does all the work before they can get to it. What I don't get is Mia assertion that Twila "Threw us all under the bus at Tribal last night." It's not like Jeff's gonna issue fines because they aren't working. If you're really doing your share, then the others will be aware of that. All Twila did at TC was mention who was working the hardest when ELIZA praised Twila as the hardest worker. Mia is seriously one of the most unpleasant, obnoxious contestants in Survivor history. And she is living proof that your mom wasn't exaggerating when you made a face and she warned it might freeze that way. Twila isn't concerned, "Mia's mayd cuz she knows ah'm raht. Git off yer ass an' do sumpin. Ah ain't takin' her crap, ah'll tell ya whuht. Ah ain't here to make no friends." You'll want to at least PRETEND to make a few, Twila. Because of the voting and stuff.

Julie and Eliza go to get Tree Mail and Julie wonders, "So what's up with you? Everyone thinks you're sketchy." "I think I might BE sketchy! Isn't that exciting!? I'm so unpredictable! But listen, I am NOT in an alliance with those other women I voted for Dolly because she looked me RIGHT in the eye and told me right before Tribal Council that she was gonna vote for some random person! I voted with them ONE time but now I'm TOTALLY WITH YOU GUYS! I really am!" On their way back to camp, they are met by Lisa and Mia, and Julie fails to make it sound like a coincidence, "Oh HEY, just the people we wanted to see. Imagine that." Then she, Mia and Lisa beat Eliza to death and throw her body into the jungle. Okay, not really, but it seemed possible for a moment. The mean girls all demand a loyalty oath from Eliza and Mia demands they go after Twila because, "I can't STAND that bitch!" Then she points aggressively at Eliza, "Don't switch!" Mia probably sleeps aggressively. The mean girls pledge their devotion to one another, but Lisa is hedging her bets, "I've got a back-up plan," she smiles to us. "Hmmm", America wonders....The girls get back to camp to read Tree Mail

REWARD AND IMMUNITY COMBO HAIKU

Someone's going home
whether you win or lose
so who really cares

The women are bummed to read that they may face back-to-back Tribal Councils, except for Mia, who's looking forward to being free of Twila tonight. Hee hee :D When the women arrive at the Challenge Beach, they can't tell who's gone. When Jeff tells them it's Dolly, JP's face falls, "Dolly, the hot blonde! Crap!" Don't worry JP, it won't concern you for very long. Jeff tells them that the Reward is a fishing mask and Rupert's Hawaiian Sling. Because even though Rupert isn't here, you know he still THINKS it's his. Then Jeff drops the bomb--both tribes will be sending someone home tonight. "Nooooooooo," Eliza whines. The tribe that wins reward will compete in a competition for individual immunity. Sarge frowns at the use of the "i word." Of course, it's an obstacle course. Unfortunately for the ladies, there's not a balance beam in sight. They suck at untying knots, which I recall plagued the women in the Amazon, too. Then they have to use a grappling hook to retrieve some keys that lay out of reach on the beach and I have to make my usual comment about how this reminds me of the Brady Bunch trying to break out of the ghost town jail on the way to the Grand Canyon. JP is the all-star of team, which of course means nothing in the long run. In the short term, however, the men win reward. The women watch as the men try for individual immunity by digging up ladder rungs in order to construct and ascend their ladder before anyone else does. John K wins and JP pretends not to be devastated by it. Then Jeff lays yet another twist to the game--John K. will be returning with the girls to their camp so that he can decide to who to bestow his immunity on, once he's done with it. Intriguing...

Once they're at Yasur, John asks to see a show of hands--who voted for Dolly, who didn't? The girls oblige when asks to talk to each group separately. If they were truly one tribe, someone should have insisted, "That's none of your business, enemy-in-search-of-Intel," but since the young girls hate the older girls and the older girls are proud of how they outflanked Dolly, John easily gets his way. Mia doesn't get it at all, "JOHN IMMEDIATELY MADE A STANCE [sic] THAT THE DOLLY PEOPLE GO ON ONE SIDE AND THE LEANN PEOPLE ON THE OTHER AND IT MADE NO SENSE. WHAT DOES THAT MATTER!? I THOUGHT IT WAS RIDICULOUS! NYAH!" John talks to older girls and Eliza first. Eliza takes charge, "Well, what you need to know is that these guys were all wanting to vote me out--" Leann and Ami object to this, and Eliza continues, "Okay, anyways, some of them wanted me out and I go to Dolly, I'm all, Dolly, what are you gonna do and it was like hours before Tribal Council and I'm all, what are you gonna do and she's all I don't know and I all dude..." She tells us, "I thought it was important that John know that everything at Tribal Council last night revolved around me." John cuts off Eliza's narrative, "So Dolly was trying to play both sides?" and the other four women answer, "Yup." "That's all I need to know," John nods, and the other women are satisfied with this but of course Eliza continues to harangue John, "It was just hours before Tribal Council and said to Dolly look me in the eyes and tell me you won't vote for me and she was all, "I'm gonna vote for a random person" and I'm all, DUDE..." The mean girls watch from a distance and Mia sneers, "NO WAY WOULD JOHN KEEP TWILA AROUND. HE'LL GIVE IT TO ONE OF US YOUNG GIRLS...OR LISA." Julie mutters smugly, "That's it, Eliza, dig yourself in a hole." Eliza keeps monopolizing John, as she tries to sell him a line about how they all get along sooooooo well. John chuckles, "Eliza didn't stop talking. She seems really sweet, and by sweet I mean she has a nice face and a great rack, but I was like, Oh my GOD, would you PLEASE stop talking?"

Then John goes to the young girls and wonders, "Okay, flat out, who should I give it to?" and the mean girls assume he's on their side because he's cute like them (puhleeze) and Mia brays, "JUST NOT TWILA," and John assures them that was never his intention, which makes them think he gives a crap about them and then Julie adds, "Or Eliza," and the mean girls all cackle, drunk with cruelty and oblivious to the fact that they're pointlessly revealing each and every rift that exists in the tribe. Have you girls EVER WATCHED THIS SHOW? John reveals to us that he doesn't really care who gets voted off--he just doesn't want anyone to be angry at him in case there's a tribe switch or he makes it to the merge. Ah HA, someone who's watched the show. Eliza strolls up and Mia sneers and then bats her eyes at John, "Tell her to go away, you big strong man, you." John tries to change the subject away from Eliza, "So, you girls catch any good crabs lately?" But the dumb mean girls either don't take his hint or are too arrogant to give a crap. Julie asks Eliza if she's teetering and Eliza gets all indignant, "Nuh UH! I'm 100% with you guys, for reals! The only reason I voted with the other girls that one time was because I asked Dolly point blank right before Tribal Council, are you gonna vote for me and she was all I don't know and I was all, dude--" well, you know this story by now, don't ya? Mia snarls, "You AREN'T voting for ME!?" and Eliza gets all offended, "No way in HELL! Scout is all old and is a detriment in challenges--like that time where I was all, are there any more pieces in the water and she was all no and I was all I think there are and she was all no and then Jeff was all, there's another piece in the water and I was all, dude, what did I tell you, I was all, I think there's another piece--" Lisa is opposed to voting out Scout, as is Mia, "We're voting out Twila because I hate that bitch! RAHHHH." What's really odd about the whole thing is the girls seem to WANT to hash this all out in front of John, as though it will impress him. As though he were not only a member of their tribe (which he ain't) but also their leader. It must be some instinct shallow girls get when they're around hot guys, I dunno. Anyway, the girls finally leave John so that Mia, Julie and Lisa can gang up on Eliza and threaten her about not switching sides. Mia insists they can force a tie and that she will vanquish Twila. When she once again tries to bully Eliza, Eliza pouts, "Fine, if you don't trust me, maybe I WILL vote with those guys against you!" And if she meant that, and was actually sticking up for herself, she'd have gained a fan, but of course she doesn't. Julie sighs, "Let's not do this now, okay? Emotion gives me a headache."

Back at the men's camp, JP is the master of subtlety, "We kicked ASS on those rings, didn't we? And by we I mean too-valuable-to-vote-out me." Then he grins to us, "I needed immunity more than anyone else--I like to call myself dead man walking," as though this was the most clever thing anyone's ever said on any Survivor ever, "Sarge and Rory have been having some conflict, so JP's gonna be all over that angle, let me tell you." However, the way he handles this is by suggesting that BRADY go to Sarge and offer him a deal if Rory goes before the young bucks. But, Einstein, why have Brady build the relationship instead of you? Sigh. Faux Chief Sarge complains to Real Chief Chris, "I've got a bad feeling about one of our pack, he's got a sorry attitude and I can't stand to be around him!" Chris sighs, "I assume you're talking about Rory, even though you have this annoying habit of not saying his name whenever you badmouth him?" "Yeah, that's right." 'Well, I understand what you're saying, and we'll handle it, but now is not the time." Word on that one. Get rid of cheesy JP first.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks the guys about their tribe and they spout all the familiar Survivor nonsense about how they're a family. Brady outs Sarge as a softie. John arrives and wows the men, who are impressed with how he thought to split the girls down their voting line to get to the truth of how they're really two separate tribes. He then invokes the bad math of the Pearl Islands doomed Morgan tribe by saying he's 150% sure of who he's gonna give Immunity to. Jeff then asks the men what they're basing tonight's vote on, and JP says, "Who's gonna make the tribe stronger, who has the talents and skill sets to make the best possible tribe we can be." If I HAD liked JP, he would've lost me at "skill sets." Sarge says that the person going home tonight is "a casualty of war." Which is a tacky analogy to make when our country actually IS at war and people actually ARE dying, if you ask me, but Sarge is the military dude, and I guess he wants to remind of us of that from time to time. Brady votes for Rory, "Nothing personal, I'm just being consistent." Uh...I think when you keep voting for the same person over and over, it IS personal, dude. JP goes down 5-3. John spells Rory "Roory" while JP goes with "Royry." Then Jeff chastises the men, "You keep saying you want the tribe to be strong, and that's what you're basing your votes on, but then you've voted out two of your strongest members!" And by strong, Jeff means "young." I think the older guys made the right move here, but them I'm 33, and that makes me "old" by Survivor standards. The men file out except for John, who waits to bestow immunity on one of the girls. JP insists in his exit speech, "I don't feel like the JP was outwitted, outplayed or outlasted." Um. Dude. When you're playing a game, and then other players knock you out of the game and you're no longer playing and they still are? Dictionary definition of outplayed. JP ends up in 16th place with Sonya the ukulele player, Bossy Deb, Diane the liar, Peter who talked too much about Number Two, Bossy John, Ryan the model and Nicole.

SECOND TRIBAL COUNCIL

John wastes no time in giving Immunity to a surprised Ami. Why? "I knew Ami wasn't gonna get voted out no matter what. By giving Immunity to Ami, I think the person who gets voted out is going to be the person who was going to get voted out anyway. You guys need to do that yourselves, without any interference by ME," the women all nod, impressed and flattered, as he continues, "I think you'll learn a lot about yourselves tonight--you are two tribes, not one." After imparting this wisdom, he leaves--and he's probably wondering how to save his own butt since his tribe is just like the girls'. Okay, it's a little quieter, but it's also two tribes, and it's split down age lines and unless there's a shake-up or Sarge finally has it with Rory, John K's probably a goner. He's made allies with the women--he played it so well. By wrapping his policy of non-involvement in a wrapper of trust, he will be remembered as a help to whichever group emerges in-charge after TC. Amy admits to Jeff that she thought John would've given Immunity to someone who really needed it. Jeff asks how things went down after LAST NIGHT'S TC, and Scout says Mia was pissed about Dolly's ouster and went off on Twila the next day. Mia sneers, "I wasn't upset about DOLLY, I was upset that TWILA called us out as bad workers and said we were lazy!" Jeff wonders when this was and is surprised to learn that this alleged calling out happened at Tribal, "I don't remember Twila calling you out, Mia." "IT WAS IMPLIED, JEFF! BLAH!" Julie icily insists that the young girls dislike of Twila goes deeper than the issue of who works harder (because unlike Mia, she knows they can't win that argument). She claims that Twila hasn't made any effort to know the mean girls. Twila snorts, "Whah would ah go up tuh people who roll thar ahs at me evur tahm ah walk bah?" Mia jumps in, "TWILA, YOU ONLY GIVE ONE-WORD ANSWERS WHEN WE TIED TO TALK TO YOU THAT ONE TIME--IT WAS ANNOYING! RAAAAH! YOU DON'T LIKE US, BITCH!" Twila admits she's a tomboy and gets along better with men then she does women. She fixes trucks, she doesn't wear make-up--what on earth could she talk about with the youngun's? Ami, empowered her Immunity, tells Twila, "They're girls, Twila. They like to play on the beach and talk about boys and eyeliner and bake cookies and they're bad at untying knots!" Hey, Ami, who's side are you on? Ami suggests that Twila IS at fault in not reaching out to the younguns, "You should ask one of them to French-braid your hair! Find your feminine side! Pillow fight! Who's with me?" Twila laughs, "Ah don' think ah have a fem-in-em-in-em-in-em sahd. But you kin do muh har if'n ya want. An' muh nails while yer at it!" Careful, Twila, Ami may take you up on it, like it or not. Scout tells Jeff her vote tonight will be based on her desire to root out disharmony in the group and Mia's eyes roll out of their sockets and hit Jeff in the face. Jeff calls her on it and Mia sniffs, "I think that was directed at ME, and Twila is JUST as much to blame for the fight we had today, even though I started it and am like, ten times as loud she is! BLAH!" Eliza agrees with Scout's reasoning, that the vote should be based on trying to achieve some kind of "Ya-Sur Sisterhood," "But I would like, totally keep everyone if like, that was possible, but this is Survivor so that would be impossible because you have to like, vote people out or else no one would ever win!" Eliza is this year's person who always puts sad faces on her votes, awww. I'm SURE it softens the blow. Mia of course votes for Twila and hisses, "I don't want to spend another DAY on this island with you!" :D Mission accomplished, sweetie pie! The ever quotable Scout shakes her head, "Mia, your volcano erupts more than I'd like. Good luck finding a husband that'll put up with you." Double Standard Alert: I laughed my head off when she said this, but had Sarge said it, I'd be quite offended :D Now, I was mighty nervous watching this, and there wasn't time enough left, it was like, 8:55 and I was like, "It can't be a tie, there's no time! Who switched sides?" When that 5th vote came up for Mia (who had to make a rude face every time she saw her name) I was as shocked as Eliza, who finds herself at the other end of a surprise vote and discovers it's not that much fun. And then the camera cuts to a guilty-looking Lisa, and it's then that America realizes what Lisa's back-up plan was: she stopped lying about her age, and joined the older girls. Sweet. In her exit, Mia snipes, "Twila, you don't have the social skills to play this game! Nyah!" Well, you're the one who just got kicked out of the tribe, dumbass. Mia finishes in 15th place with B.B. the bossy quitter, Kel who was odd but also framed, Jessie the hot girl who puked, bossy Patricia, Tanya a different hot girl who puked, Janet who was also framed...probably, and Nerd Ryan.

Notice how bossiness is the number one killer of Survivors, just ahead of being too wimpy to hack it and being accused of smuggling food? Sarge should take heed. Tonight, things don't look good for Brady, who hasn't been very interesting, so maybe it's not a big loss. If he goes, at least it's after a lot of shirtless swimming. John K. seems a better target, since he may have made alliances with some of the girls. And there's always Rory. If the girls go to TC, I think we'll see the end of Sour Julie, and that's just fine with me.

I will be traveling this week, so I may not get out a review of tonight's show until I return. Or maybe I'll surprise myself and do it tonight.

Peace :D