Survivor 9.4 "Why are we letting fat dudes run the show?"

Rather than get backed up, I figured I'd fire off a quick review before my trip home. This is a good episode to be quick about because there wasn't a lot of dialogue. Let's face it, it's quieter now that Mia's gone. Well, not TOO quiet, as the women return to camp. Lisa is defending her honesty, despite the fact that she sold out her alliance to Mia, Julie and Eliza. Eliza sputters, "She was in an alliance with us and she totally blindsided us by voting out Mia instead of Twila! Ugh, that bitch! I mean, I know I did the same thing the week before but the only reason I did that was because I thought Dolly was going to vote for me--see, I asked her right before Tribal Council, I was all, Dolly, who are you going to vote for--" Yes, yes, WE KNOW, Eliza. Lisa tells Eliza that she voted out Mia because she no longer trusts Eliza, who has the gall to call Lisa a hypocrite. Takes one to know one, Eliza--yes, yes, you thought Dolly was going to vote you out--well, Lisa didn't trust you same as you didn't trust Dolly. Accept it. Scout can't take the bickering, "My environment is being polluted. I love you all, I'll see you in the morning." Scout is one of the few people on this planet who could get away with a line like that--"My environment is being polluted." Twila gives the other girls a pep talk--sort of, "We need tuh be strong and tuhgether if'n we're gonna beat those boys--ah don' know how we can do thet, but we gotta." Lisa is glad to be with the older girls instead of the younger girls, while Eliza claims to be "repulsed" by Lisa. You just know that Eliza gets screened a lot by her friends' caller ID. She's the type of person who would try even her close friends, "Oh man, it's Eliza. I just can't DEAL with her right now."

Rory tells Chris that he's upset about getting votes but then tells us he's not--Rory, the camera is always watching. Chris is confident that the five guy alliance of Chris, Rory, Chad, Bubba and Sarge will stay the course. Brady is quite bitter about this, as is John who complains, "I can't stand what's happened--the good young guys with great personalities who are athletes are all gone--why are we letting fat dudes run the show?" Awwwwww, poor wittle John. I love when great-looking people freak out when everyone else isn't falling all over them, because they don't realize what's going on. Hey John, this is what it feels like to be nothing special! :D And you aren't "letting" anything happen--that would imply you have power. And there hasn't exactly been a 100 yard dash or a who-can-do-the-most-sit-ups challenge either. Brady and John are convinced the men will keep losing challenges without THEM around to be all athletic and studly--Brady promptly brains himself with a coconut to illustrate what an asset he is. Then Brady tells us that he has a plan to become invaluable to the tribe by becoming the food provider. Great idea...except that has NEVER WORKED IN THE HISTORY OF SURVIVOR!!! When ill these people ever learn? But Brady looks great fishing with the spear, which was all I asked of Agent Boyfriend's Last Stand.

REWARD HAIKU

if you can recall
victory is yours whether
you're strong or not

The women are all excited and start talking about how they think they have better memories then the men. That's what I hate about men v. women---everything gets turned into battle of the sexes, when it really is just teams. One guy couldn't get over the balance beam, ONE. But because it's an all-guy team it becomes "Men aren't as good at this." It's silly. The women win this game the same reason a mixed-gender team would have won : they are able to capitalize on the other team's misfortune. A beautiful rainbow appears to the women before the competition, and they're convinced it's an omen. The tribes gather on the beach and Jeff doesn't point out that JP and Mia gone--Jeff! People at "Survivor" parties have drinking games, and they count on you to say stuff like that, "Mia, voted out last night." "Wait for my go." "I'll go tally the votes." Sigh, Jeff is so dreamy. That's what's great about Survivor--they can keep voting out my boyfriend du jour, but Jeff always has immunity. And great guns. Seriously, Jeff, would it kill you to wear a tank-top just once? Okay, I'm embarrassing myself and making people uncomfortable--you'd think I was ON a reality show, and not just writing about one. Anyway, Reward is 24 hours of Vanuatu Survival Training from a native man named "Daw." Not sure if that's how to spell it, but that's how it's said. The game is "memory" where you uncover two items, and everyone tries to remember where everything is so they can find pairs--first team to five wins. The men have a run of bad luck, because they keep uncovering new items in their first pick--and items people have seen before on the second. So the women are able to make pairs and the men aren't. Both teams have one failure each--John and Twila are the only two contestants who fail to make a pair when they uncover an item whose mate has already been seen by the group. At one point, Eliza pairs two grapefruits and as she walks back with them Ami says, "nice grapefruits," and I honestly couldn't tell if that was a boob joke or if she was being sincere in that odd-Ami way. The women win, and Lisa does a little victory dance but Rory doesn't get angry this time, in fact he congratulates the ladies on their success. Rory seems to be mellowing out---or maybe he's just too hungry to get riled up anymore. The girls walk home arm-in-arm, something that wouldn't have happened if Mia was still around, and we learn that rainbow does indeed trump magic rock...

IN AWE OF DAW

Daw shows up in his outrigger boat, and wastes no time in showing the women how much food they have lying around uneaten. He speaks almost no English (at one point one of the women greats him with the Spanish "hola" like That's gonna help) but quickly he and the women are able to communicate with signs. Daw is pretty awesome--he climbs up tree trunks like Spiderman and he wields a machete like nobody's business. The women learn how to crack a coconut properly (instead of beating it into submission as they'd been doing), how to get milk from the unripe coconuts, where to find manioc, cabbage and sugarcane. Julie is especially happy about the sugarcane--you can tell because she almost smiles. Almost. Daw hacks open a bamboo trunk and makes a mattress and then takes the women on a torch-lit crab hunt. They don't find any crabs, but they find something even more important--*sniff* each other! It's very healing, everyone hugs, and in the morning, the women sing for Daw as he rows away. Lisa started it, and it was some kind of spiritual, and it was supposed to be all warm and fuzzy, but it had a creepy Manson Family kind of vibe to it.

The men, meanwhile, are totally dejected. Bubba in particular, who's had it with boiled plantains and misses his wife and young sons enormously. He gets emotional when he starts talking about how important his kids are to him but according to CBS Fantasy League Survivor he doesn't actually cry. Whatever, CBS. I want my 10 points. Anyway, Rory takes Bubba aside and warns him, "Hey, you got to hide your love away!" Rory warns bubba on the danger of being perceived as a "loner." And if anyone should know, it's Rory. Or is it? This episode shows Rory getting along great with Chris, Chad and Bubba. Bubba tells us that Rory is misunderstood, mostly by Sarge. Then we get an "odd couple" montage of Sarge and Rory bickering about every last little thing, and everyone else getting irritated. Bubba complains that he's "Tard" of all the fighting between the two, but it seems Sarge could just as easily go as Rory. Later, Rory takes the Hawaiian Sling and goes off to play. "I understood the concept of it, but I didn't have any ability to aim it," he chuckles. He practices his aim by firing the delicate instrument into a tree trunk several times before going off to poke around the reef. See, that's not misunderstood, that's obnoxious. Brady tries to drive home this point with Sarge, who seems to agree that Rory is an idiot, but then, he's been on that page since day one. It still hasn't caused Sarge to vote out Rory before any of the young bucks. Brady oversells his point by insisting that no one will ever vote out Rory because no one will ever feel threatened by him. That ain't the only reason people get voted out in Survivor, Brady. Rory is irritating enough to find himself on the wrong side of a pile of votes, that's for dang sure. And if Rory winds up winning this whole thing, I'll eat a hat.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

tricky puzzle solved
one team works together well
other, not so much

A puzzle must be solved. There's a 16 card grid with cards bearing four different symbols and four different colors. So there's four skulls, one red, one brown, one black, one green. And so on for the other three symbols. The teams must arrange these cards on a grid so that no same symbol or color is in the same row or column. So, its all about diagonals. Hey look, yet another challenge where Brady and John's muscles are totally unnecessary. Huh. Survivor doesn't even TRY to pretend there's gonna be any mystery about this. As soon as Rory is announced as the men's caller--who sits on a perch and directs the team, an ominous drumroll is heard. Then they start playing this twangy background music every time the men are arguing with each other, to illustrate how they aren't working together at all. The girls meanwhile, kick ass. Eliza uses her talking for GOOD, instead of evil, and is a good facilitator. She's not "in charge," she just has a better vantage point. When Scout mentions a diagonal, Eliza yells, "YES, do what Scout just said!" Rory just keeps barking orders to no apparent purpose. Jeff smirks, "I think Rory's lost control of his team." "Thanks a LOT, Jeff," Rory pouts.

The men of course are hella bummed about how badly they did. Not just the loss, but how bad a loss it is. Bubba sighs, "It was just a cluster you-know-what." I had NO idea that was such a popular phrase. And if you still don't know what, I still ain't telling you. Sarge blames Rory's lack of leadership, and Brady and John jump on the bandwagon. They're like the girl's on the Apprentice," always blaming their failure on the project manager, "We failed because Elizabeth didn't give me enough direction, not because I went thousands of dollars over budget on the flyers!" Whatever, Maria. Ahem, back to topic at hand. John K. tries to lobby Bubba to see how awesome he and Brady are. "Why is Rory even HERE," he whines. "He supposed to be real good at puzzles," Bubba drawls, "Ah guess he had a bad day." Okay, Shii Ann was allegedly really good at puzzles and she didn't last too long either. Being good at puzzles, fishing, cooking, leading--it's all nonsense people! It's a popularity contest, it's political contest, it's a numbers game. All that matters is relationships. Rory's got a deal with four other guys--That's why he's here, no matter what Bubba tells John. Bubba suggests to John that he vote for Brady to show the other guys he's a team player. John sneers, "What do you guys have to offer? You can't possibly win without me and Brady and our flat stomachs and winning smiles!" John...grow up and get over yourself. Bubba asks John who he thinks is in charge and Johns sucks up to him by guessing Bubba, even though I don't think he actually believes that. It's Sarge who's calling the shots, Bubba insists. I think it's Chris who's letting Sarge THINK he;'s calling the shots. Rory frets about Sarge changing his vote, and Sarge admits to us that Brady is a real hard worker and the type of person he'd want to go into battle with (Brady is former military, by the way). Of course that's all a smokescreen...

ANTICLIMACTIC TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff picks on Rory, saying how he was surprised the men picked him to lead them and not at all surprised when that turned out to be a disaster. Hey Jeff, I don't like him all that much either but....lay off. Bubba insists that they're gonna be a new team come tomorrow, you just wait! and Jeff makes fun of him too. Jeff is CRANKY. Brady chastises the team for getting rid of everyone who's perceived as an individual threat down the road this early in the game. Chris argues that they don't know for a fact that the women are gonna stick to gether in the event of a merge and Jeff makes fun of him for assuming they wouldn't, even though that didn't happen in the Amazon. The women did turn on one another and so did the men--new alliances were formed. Jeff must be hungry or something, he's talking crazy! Rory casts his vote for Brady and sputters some nonsense about "The spirits wanting him gone." No, YOU want him gone. Honestly. Brady goes down 6-1, with John joining the fat dudes because he has no choice. I think it makes perfect sense for the "fat dudes" [they're not really all that fat, it's just funny to say] to get rid of the athletic people this early--especailly since the women are getting rid of their younger people too. And the competitions ARE being designed to not give the men an unfair advanatge, so there isn't going to be a weightlifting contest anyway.

Brady finishes in 14th place and joins surly Stacy who sued, the lovely Mad Dog, Carl the dentist, My beloved husband Hunter, Jed the OTHER Dentist, Daniel who couldn't stay on the balance beam and my arch nemesis Lill the Boy Scout leader who came back. I'll never QUITE forgive Mark Burnett for that. SO slot 14 seems unlucky for dentists and guys I think are gorgeous. Interesting. Next week, we're promised a shuffle which makes things difficult to predict--will the tribes try to stick together by gender? Or will the two packs of older folks join together to oust the younger players as they've been doing? I tend to think the latter...if Eliza's chattiness irritates the girls, you KNOW it will grate on the guys although I'd think Sarge would have to be careful about bossing the women around. It just seems to me that it would benefit the fat dudes to dump Eliza and Julie, the same way it would benefit the older women to get rid of John. But who knows, maybe this whole shake-up is due to Burnett and co. freaking out that the best-looking people are looking doomed. Speaking of shake-ups, we've also got some earthquakes coming up--whoooooa! Beware of falling coconuts, little Survivors! <:o That goes for all of you too--I mean, you can't be too careful.

Peace! :D