Survivor 9.5 "Some of the worst paddling I have ever seen."

I just started this whole "title the episode with a quote" thing that "The Amazing Race" does, and I seriously think I could pick one with the word "dude" in it every time, if I wanted to--this group really likes saying "dude." ALso, I know this terrible late, and I'm sorry. As some of you already know, I'm in the middle of a major move and as ALL of you know, I'm a terminal procrastinator. It's a bad combination. :p

HANGING WITH THE BETAS

So, the men are sitting around the fire and Chad says, 'Sarge, you were gonna, uh, bring up that issue about voting to vote for, uh, sleeping positions?" and Sarge reluctantly leads, as always, and says, "Oh, yeah, Bubba. Some people were upset and I said the easiest thing to do is vote to rearrange sleeping positions around the fire." Bubba frowns, "You sleep in thuh house, Sarge--what's it to you." "Nothin' it's just some people were mad, that's all." I like how Sarge is trying to be all diplomatic by saying "some people." Uh, there's only 6 of you, it can't be THAT big a secret. "Well they can build a bridge and get over it," Bubba retorts. Heh, good one. Then Bubba chastises Chad, "Be a man and come to me yourself if y'all are mad--don't go thru Sarge." Chad sighs, "It's not just me, dude." Then Bubba tells us that no place is better than the other, while CHAD informs us that the wind tends to blow sparks and ash in one direction, and that Bubba has been hogging the "Prime Real Estate" around the campfire. Now, in a wolf pack, the Alpha male just takes the best spot. But in case you thought for a second that Bubba is that male, he huffs, "Wuhl ah jes' won' sleep bah the fahr anymore, so there!" Nup, not an Alpha in sight. Bubba complains, "Ah'm tard of hangin' out with these mihn an' if this show wudn't unscripted ah's swar this was foreshadowin a shake-up of some kind!" Then Rory spots an approaching canoe with two Vanuatu tribesmen aboard and gushes, 'It was ever so exciting! We haven't had any visitors since we arrived at our fair campsite. I look forward to the opportunity to interact with the Vanuatians!" Rory just works my nerves. The Tribesmen give the universal "huddle up" signal and then insist that "one chief" be named. Everyone picks Sarge who sighs, "Who, me? You want ME to be the chief? I don't why but okay, I guess, if that's what everyone wants." Oh, knock it off, Sarge. He thinks he's supposed to go with them and takes off his pants--wait, what? OH, because he's got shorts on underneath and he doesn't want to get his long pants wet--I'm with ya, Sarge. I was a little worried but now I'm with ya. ANyway, the Vanuatians just give him a necklace and a staff and leave. "What the hell is going on today," Rory wonders. Chris shrugs, "I don't know, but you've got to hand it to Mark Burnett, the twists and turns just keep coming this season--he really knows how to keep things fresh!" The women easily designate Scout as their leader, as Ami gushes about Scout being the oldest and wisest. Leann is discussing the possibility of a tribe shake up when the volcano erupts, causing a big earthquake and much freaking out by the Survivors. The islands sleeping bats scatter and shriek, which is a very disturbing and unnatural sight in daylight. Chad and Twila love the quake while Lisa is scared. Sarge blusters, "Dude, [yes, even Sarge says "dude" on Survivor : Vanuatu] I've heard about earthquakes but I never imagined the earth would actually...MOVE." Uh. Okay. But that is what an Earthquake is, the earth moving. I can just imagine Sarge in Florida, "Dude, I've heard of hurricanes, but I never imagined the air would actually...BLOW at such a high velocity."

REWARD HAIKU

new buffs, new members
dive deep for beer and pringles
no more doritos

I kinda miss the days when Survivor shamelessly pimped Doritos, but since I prefer Pringles, I'll let it slide. Before the twist is revealed, Jeff asks everyone about the earthquake and everyone talks about where they were and everyone's like, "I was standing in the jungle and all of a sudden everything started shaking and coconuts started falling and I was like, is this an earthquake?" Trust me, as a native Californian who's been in several earthquakes (none involving falling coconuts), and afterwards, every TV and radio call-in show is 50 people saying "I was sitting on my couch, and all of a sudden everything started shaking and I was like, is that an earthquake? and my (spouse, sibling, etc.) was like "Yes it is!" And then some idiot calls in and says he and his girlfriend were having sex during the quake so at first they thought it was them. But Amber and Chachi aren't around, so there's no sex being had on THIS island. ALthough when Jeff tells everyone to drop their buffs, it always sounds a little "suggestive," if you ask me. None of the girls are anorexic enough to wear their buff as a tube top yet, so there's no awkwardness to this command. Then Jeff tells the chiefs, Scout and Sarge [why do I feel like we've stepped into a G.I. Joe comic book?] that one of them will pick two NEW teams, and the other will pick which team they want to be on. There will be one leftover woman, and that will be dealt with later. They rock paper scissors and Scout's rock loses to Sarge's paper and Sarge opts to pick whichever of Scout's teams seems more inviting which becomes apparent right away because Scout picks Rory first and we can pretty much be confident that he's gonna pick the other. She puts Chad on the other team. She then makes sure to separate the remaining youngun's, Eliza and Julie--hey Ami's right, she IS wisest! I guess the point of having Sarge pick, is like, when your mom had one kid cut a piece of cake into two pieces, and your little sister gets to pick which piece so you've got to be as fair as possible. But Scout DOES, in effect, pick her team too. What she does is make one team of two men and three women : Rory and Bubba, then Eliza, LeAnn and Ami; and then one team of two women and three men : Twila and Julie, then Chad, Chris and John. So Sarge would be an idiot to pick team one, because at best, he'd be on a team with an equal number of men and women, so he chooses the team where the men have a four to two advantage, leaving Scout a team where SHE too will enjoy the same advantage (and the company she wanted). It's good to be a chief. That leaves Lisa, who pouts to Jeff in annoying baby talk, "I'm going bye bye?" But Jeff tells her no, she just gets to choose, and like, Sarge, her decision has already been made for her by Scout--she opts to be in a 5-2 female majority rather than a 3-4 female minority. Rather than cloud the issue with "Yasur" and "Lopevi," I'm just gonna call the teams, the Sarges and the Scouts.

Then we have a super hard reward challenge: Teams must dive off a platform to a buoy, then make their way down a rope to retrieve keys or some such. They start at like, 4 feet deep but go all the way to 30 feet deep. Everyone is thrilled at the reward: pringles and beer! ALthough, it's not Coors Light, it's some beer with the labels torn off--it could be near beer, for all they know. But, since they've been eating roots and bugs for eleven days, no one's complaining. Shaky swimmer Bubba sits out for the Scouts. It's a tough challenge. At one point, Chris (he of the failed balance beam) drops one of the keys, but he makes up for it by eventually getting the winning key for the Sarges. The Sarges get to go this waterfall and gorge on pringles and drink beer--kind of like a lame high school party. You even have Julie scamming on Chris (for strategic purposes, no doubt). Sarge gushes, "We been eating plantains and greens, so the Pringles tasted like GOLD." Mmmm, gold. That sounds good. I could really go for a gold sandwich right about now. Then he confides, "We got rid of some people, so everyone's kinda happy." Oh, Sarge, just own it, damn you, own it! YOU got rid of RORY, so YOU'RE happy. Stop being so darn coy, with your "some people" and your "I dunno, I guess." Twila is REALLY happy to be "kickin' it with the men, especially fellow highway worker, Chris. They laugh about how much overtime they get and what a bunch of suckers the rest of us are. Then everyone swims in the waterfall. Julie drones, "I'm buzzed--not just by the beer but by the change. Twila and I are outnumbered, so we're trying to weasel our way however we can." You can tell that Julie is happy by the change, because she almost smiles. Almost. Once-doomed John is truly thrilled, and he smirks, "I'm psyched because the fat dudes alliance was broken up and I clearly wasn't a part of that alliance--I mean, look at this 6-pack. Look at my abs, they're magnificent. Anyway, the fat dude's allegiance was broken up and that's all I was trying to do." But you DIDN'T do it, John, Survivor did it for you.

TURNS OUT, AMI'S A RAGING BITCH

Back at Scout's tribe, Eliza insists, "It was a bummer not winning the challenge because even though we didn't win the pringles and stuff we had like these new people to talk to which was like so exciting to be around people who I haven't betrayed or irritated to death...yet." The gals whip up some kind of lunch for Rory and Bubba and then tell them about the sugarcane, which thrills them. Bubba smiles, "It was real nahs tuh be with the whehmen but me and Rory are outnumbered so we gotta be careful--one wrong move and they'll vote you out for sure. Again, if this wudn't an unscripted show, ah'd be CERTAIN ah jes' foreshadowed mah own upcomin' wrong move and demise." Rory and Bubba help the women by pulling up roots and hauling lumber. A pleased Ami sniffs, "The men SEEM to know their place and be willing to work hard to please us, their female overlords." Lisa wants to show them the trick Daw showed them, of opening the coconut with the machete, but Ami thinks it's a bad idea. Lisa insists, "But it's cool." AMy huffs, "We can be cool without showing them how to open the coconuts. We're women, after all, goddesses, if you will." Lisa thinks Ami's being ridiculous about the whole thing. Amy sighs, "Rory and Bubba are lifting heavy stuff right now, which is what men are FOR, so that's good, but I still feel our sisterly bond has been weakened by the poison testosterone that has arrived and I'm not telling them any of our secrets! Evuh!" Good thing Daw (who clearly comes from a sexist culture, as shown by the first day ritual) wasn't as secretive as you were, Ami. He's the only reason you know the cool secret of the coconut, so lighten the hell up. She insists that she intends to stick by the ladies in terms of voting...

IMMUNITY HAIKU

Bubba talks to loud
Jeff gets mad for no reason
Scout sits out again

Scout sits out a lot, I'm just saying. I guess when you're the oldest and the wisest, you can get away with that. Anyway, the tribes gather and as Jeff is explaining the contest, Bubba hisses loudly to Chris, "Chris, think about the MERGE!" It is indeed SO loud, that CBS doesn't even bother to subtitle it, it is THAT clear what he says. That isn't the way anyone is going to remember the incident, however. THe contest is a relay race of sorts. Tow members race into the jungle to untie an outrigger piece for a canoe, two more race further out to untie some paddles, and two more have to get the actual canoe. It's pretty close the whole way, but the Sarge's gain a little ground on each leg, mainly because they're better at untying knots. This doesn't appear to be a men vs. women issue though, since Bubba and Rory seem pretty bad at it==Rory even tries to use his teeth to loosen the knots, freaking out dentists everywhere. Once both teams assemble their boats, two members have to paddle out to a buoy and then come back. The Sarge's enlist Chad and John, while the Scout's dispatch Ami and Bubba. Jeff claims throughout that it's very close, but honestly, it never looks that way watching it on TV. Jeff keeps yelling about how Chad and John are sucking and faltering, but does it matter? The Sarge's never come close to losing the lead, so I don't think so. They are helped by a terrible push off from the Scout's, who manage to push their canoe off course. John and Chad win handily and when Jeff addresses the disheartened Scout's he barks, "Some of the WORST paddling I have ever seen!" Now, Jeff has certainly seen some bad paddling in his day, but he seemed more annoyed than need be--you'd almost think he'd lost money on the race or something.

ODD MEN OUT

Rory and Bubba know its one or the other, and are too good of friends to try to lobby against one another, so they let the votes fall where they may. Fortunately for Rory, Bubba was heard telling Chris to "think about the merge," because if the Sarge's had CHOSEN to lose, they could eliminate the women on their team. Interestingly enough, the Sarge's didn't seem all that interested in protecting Rory and/or Bubba. Ami and Scout discuss what they think Bubba was trying to accomplish, and they keep talking about the incident like it was way more subtle and sly than it was, "He was making some kind of hand signal." No he wasn't he flat out said, "think about the merge." Regardless, Bubba has incurred the wrath of Ami which, based on this vote and the next, is a very bad thing. Ami rants, "Bubba tried to sell us out! He was making secret gestures to the other team, as though he wasn't actually a member of OUR team, which is DISGUSTING, even though I did say earlier than we women were gonna stick together and they weren't really members of the team. The point is, can you imagine Michael Jordan giving plays to the other team? Hell NO! Rarrrrh!" And AMerica can't picture it, mainly because Jordan's retired, but since he's retired like, fifty times, I'll cut Ami some slack. Bubba frets, "Ah think ah may have gotten mah hand caught in the cookie jar!" Yeah, Bubba, pretty much because you yelled, "MA! I'm stealing some cookie's right now!" Bubba asks Ami to give him a head's up if he's being voted out and she's barks, "You have to ask the boss," as though Scout's the one calling all the shots and not her, and then she adds, "I don't do that whole "ya'll" thing, you backwoods Hillbilly! I'm from the refined state of Colorado where we say "all of you!" Got it? Good! Rarrr!" Ami also doesn't do the "not being a total bitch" thing, either. Elsewhere, Scout talks voting with Eliza and Lisa. Scout reveals, "Ami noticed Bubba using smoke signals to get out some sort of Morse code message to Chris so she want's him out." Eliza winces, "I don't know you guys I'm mean I'm just saying that like the challenges are only gonna get harder and maybe we shouldn't vote out one of the guys because if we do then we only have one guy to do all the physical stuff plus I really like both of them." Lisa frowns, "You're not thinking about voting one of us off, are you?" Eliza shrugs as though there might be a third option. Grim execution music plays as Bubba and Rory pray before Tribal Council. Either God doesn't care about "Survivor," or that million dollars ain't destined for Travis aka Bubba...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks the ladies if the men are truly members of a new tribe, or just doomed hostages. Lisa gushes, "We've tried so very hard to make them feel welcome and it's just so nifty to have men around!" LeAnn confesses that after 11 days of men vs. women, she hasn't made the switch, she's still against the men. Ami nods in approval. Then she insists that the men had a shot of being on equal footing (which by her own earlier statements doesn't seem to be true) but then Bubba was caught making secret signals and THAT alone sealed his fate. Bubba, also acting as though he never said anything that was heard by the entire viewing audience, if not anyone on the beach, insists he was trying to GET a signal from Chris, and yes, it was a chance but he had to take it. Ami gloats, "Well, that was really dumb, hillbilly boy, because we were trying hard to win and if we lost, we weren't even planning to vote YOU out until that happened!" Rory gives Jeff a look that he hopes conveys his shock and indignation along with his assumption that people are out to get him and his rakish, devil-may-care ability to roll with the punches. It just comes off prissy. Whether there was another intended victim or not (if there was, it may have been Eliza, in my opinion) she was still an idiot to reveal that here. Rory tells Jeff the only thing that could have prevented one of them two men being targeted was had they won the challenge. Amy agrees, "You wound up on the wrong side of the buff, Rory. I'm glad Twila and Jules are safe and I'm glad that you're our hostages and that we'll be feeding one of you to the volcano tonight! Rarrh!" Ami is disappointed when AMi reminds her that no one actually dies at Tribal Council. Then Bubba pulls out his violin and, after a stirring rendition of "Devil went down to Georgia," reminds everyone about how, Ah learnt tuh sweeem raiht afore ah got thar on accountuh ah almose drownt when ah was a boy, but ah got in theht canoe and risked mah lahf." Rory lobbies, "No one can question where my heart is and no one here is more capable than I in their ability to achieve the mathematically impossible and irritatingly hyperbolic 110% rather than I. I shall attempt to break into this sisterhood--I am rather fussy and unmanly at times, after all. If that doesn't work, well, I'm man enough to take my lumps!" Remember that in the next few weeks when he sets to whining and moaning every time we see him. Scout insists, "Before we started, there were three men that I very much wanted to play this game with--two of them are here. So, it's not over until the fat lady sings."

Despite this interesting statement, Bubba goes down as expected, 6-1. Travis aka Bubba finishes in 13th place, joining Ramona and Mitch who got weak and sick, Linda who was ousted by lazy youths, buxom Sarah who, like Bubba, lost her alliance in a tribal shake-up, Ghandia who got loud, Joanna the superstitious Christian who was felled by lazy youths even though Shawna begged to be sent home instead and blustery Burton, another loser jerk like Lill who Mark Burnett allowed back in the game in the worst twist ever. We won't see the Bob Barker shirt again, but I'm sure CBS gave him some lovely parting gifts--Turtle Wax and Flavor Ice perhaps. No sense speculating about next week, as it's already happened--sorry again! :D My next review will be along soon.

Peace! :D Christine