7.10 Oh Captain, My Captain! Why did you have to be SO DUMB!?

Yep, Rupert's gone, and I know many of you are heartbroken, but me? I'm just ticked off because he did it to himself. He was too into "Drake," he was too into being the baddest Survivor that ever played the game (he actually stunk at it) and hopefully his legacy won't be giving the most pathetic, childish and embarrassing exit speech in the history of Survivor. But if it is, that too is all on the big man himself. We were counting on you, Rupert! If you're a big time Rupert lover, and can't stand to hear a bad word said against him, you may want to skip this review, because I really let him have it. But know my anger stems from my love for the man, and my disappointment in his feet of clay.

THINK OF LAURA

Night time at Balboa, and Rupert can't sleep. "Night time is my one bad time--if I could go 39 days without havin' teh sleep, I'd make this beautiful but night is killin' me." Rupert goes off to the water (aren't you supposed to avoid being in water during an electrical storm?) and talks to his wife, Laura. "I want ever'one teh see I'm the best damn Survivor player there's ever been. I am IT," he insists, then, "I know baby. I shouldn't think that way. I know. I hear ya baby." Does it make you more crazy or less crazy if the voices in your head are more reasonable than you are? He then "reveals" that Christa and Sandra are the only people on the island that he actually cares about--a fact that is VERY obvious to everyone else. I try to guide everything that happens on my island," he raves, "I try to direct everyone's actions. I'm not gonna settle, and the challenge for me is how to let everyone feel that they are finishing in a place o' honor so they feel like winners, even when they lose." It's Rupert's game, and everyone else is just playing in it. Which isn't a bad attitude to have necessarily, but as we will see, Rupert's grasp of the politics of his tribe is just too poor for someone trying to achieve "puppet master" status. And no one else in the game--even the wasting-away Darrah, are gonna settle either. Everyone in Survivor has a DUTY and a RIGHT to attempt to win the game. Even little punks like Jon. And this year, the ONE person who NO ONE can beat in the Final Two is Rupert. And that puts a huge target on his back.

MOBY SHARK

Christa and Rupert are giggling in the morning, and Jonny not Funny seethes, "They make me sick with all their genuine affection for one another. I hate goodness!" He's jealous and rightfully threatened by the strong bond between Rupe, Christa and Sandra, "They definitely fit the old saying that absolute power corrupts absolutely," While I agree that the three have been unwise in making their alliance so obvious, they all seem to be working way to hard to be accused of corruption. They aren't laying about like Alex and company did, while Butch and Sir Matt do all the work. But they HAVE made it abundantly clear that they are planning on being 1-2-3, with everyone else behind them. Jon ain't going out like that. He and Burton go out into the woods to discuss strategy on how to break them up--Burton already has Lil ready to help, so they come up with the "brilliant" idea of going to doomed Tijuana and Darrah, who are basically sitting around WAITING for someone to make them a deal so they don't have to be sent home.

"Once again, Jonny Fairplay finds himself in a prime position--and talking in the third person. He can go with Plan A--the Drakes, or he can go with Plan B--Burton and the Morgan gals. I'm leaning towards Plan B because I'm really more concerned with making a splash then I am in being clever. If the bases are loaded, and everyone's telling me to bunt, screw that, I'm gonna go for the Grand Slam!" But...if there's only one out, and you only need one run to win the game, the percentages are better if you bunt. It is my fervent hope that Jon stays true to form and eventually overplays his hand.

Pelican Pete stands on the beach, reading the Balboa team flag, "It says Ryan O. on there, but I don't see him," he thinks to himself. Rupert goes off spear fishing, "I'd love it if I was a mean SOB and only caught fish for myself...but that's just not me, what can I say?" Yeah, uh, don't be so impressed with yourself, Rupe, even the evil Richard Hatch got food for everyone else. Sandra and Christa go off to get lemons: the three? Not a brain trust. They leave everyone who's not in their alliance to their own crafty devices. Burton: "Hey, do you guys want to join us and vote out Rupert so you guys don't have to leave?" Tijuana and Darrah: "Yeah, DUH!" Burton is calm and commanding as he explains the plan, while Jon keeps trying to interject. T and D already know the score, however, and it's hardly a tough sell. Lil tries to be a sly shill, "Wuhl, gee, I'd rather be 4 and 5 than 7 & 8, that's for sure." Shut up, LIL, like T &D don't know you're already tight with Burton. Darrah agrees to play the part of the doomed tribe member with a "nuthin' I can do attitude" which will hardly be a stretch for her. Everyone agrees that if Rupert wins immunity, the vote goes against Christa. Burton adds, "It's REALLY important that we stick together until all three of them are gone; don't heh, be thinking of any plans to join with the remaining two to get rid of me, heh heh." He also recalls that Tijuana and Darrah kept thanking him for coming to their rescue which, if it really happened, can't be sincere. I think Burton's out the next time he doesn't win Immunity (which, yeah, could be never but I'm just saying is all.)

And what is Rupert doing while this plan is being Hatched back at camp? He's off trying to catch a shark. He becomes completely obsessed and stalks the thing, "I love bein' the baddest hunter out there! I never give up, I never surrender and I never admit defeat. In fact, I don' even seriously acknowledge the possibility o' defeat."

QUID PRO UH OH

Time for another really complicated and long Reward Challenge! The clue comes in a kick ass little box that's shaped like a pirate ship. Ye another trinket I won't be able to afford when it comes up on EBAY. Burton boasts, "If the challenge is any type of physical contest, then I have a really good shot at it because...well, LOOK at me. Now look at everyone else. I'm sorry I made you do that, now look back at me--there, all better. But if I win, I'm gonna give my reward to Rupert since he gave me his breakfast last time, just to keep up the pretense that I'm still on his side." Rupert declares, "The deal between me and Burton is he'll give me his reward if he wins it, because I gave HIM my BREAKFAST. MY BACON, MY WONDERFUL BREAKFAST! And he promised to repay my noble sacrifice with one o' his own, and that will keep unity between us and harmony at Drake." Ugh, Rupert is becoming insufferable. He gave Burton his breakfast in a stupid, arrogant demonstration of his own power. He did it to demonstrate that he didn't NEED the reward, and he did it to help cement Burton to him. It was a tactical blunder on Rupert's part and now he's trying to out-martyr the Pout Master.

The Reward is deep-sea fishing, pizza and beer and a day trip on a catamaran for two. The Survivors are randomly paired up for an obstacle course on a fake ship that involves climbing, bell-ringing and eventually putting together a puzzle. Burton and Lil (fate keeps pushing them together) defeat Christa and Darrah, and Rupert and Jon defeat Sandra and Tijuana, despite Jon's screwing something up and having to go back to fix it. We get a lot of full-frontal Rupert, as he decided to go commando today. It doesn't help, as he and Jon are smoked by Burton and the surprisingly agile and sharp Lil (surprise! The helpless thing is an act!). Burton and Lil, who last time enjoyed a reward they didn't earn, are offered the chance to give this one away. Lil pouts, "Wuhl, sooooory guys, but I wanna keep it! Don't be maaaad." Sandra and Tijuana both sport bitter, knowing smiles and shake their heads. Burton gives HIS reward to...Jon, much to Rupert's chagrin. They head back to camp and Rupert huffs, "Well, THAT Reward Challenge wasn't as I had hoped!" Yeah, sometimes you lose, Rupert. Get a grip. Burton tells us, "Remember when I said I'd give my reward to Rupert? Like, an hour ago? I changed my mind. I want him hungry and weak for the Immunity Challenge." Not a bad strategy--and I'm sure he didn't want guilt-ridden Lil spending the day with anyone but his stooge, Jon.

BIG WHINY RUPERT

Rupert decides to let everyone know how frustrated he is by symbolically hacking away at a rotted coconut with an axe and muttering, "Rot and Death. Rot and Death! Last thing I ever give to Burton. Except a vote, heh heh, yeah, I may give him a couple votes." He not only feels betrayed by Burton, he's also disappointed in Lil's selfishness, "When they failed to pay homage to me, that showed me that I'm not as secure in this game as I think I am. Which is a useful epiphany which I'll choose to ignore later." This should be his wake-up call that Drake is DEAD, but instead of trying to include Darrah and Tijuana in a plot to oust Burton, he chooses to stick with the obsolete "Get rid of the Morgan's" plan. He refuses to adapt to the changing face of the game, he refuses to "zig or zag" as Rob C. might say. Burton is openly defying him, yet he still chooses to honor his Drakeness. That's not noble, that's dumb. Tijuana watches Rupert's coconut tantrum and shakes her head, murmuring to Darrah, "Rupert does deserve to go--even if we ARE living because of his provision."

KILL LIL, VOL. 1

Then, to make matters worse, The Pout Master has to try to make things right by Dad, whimpering, "I'm soooory. I shoulda sent yooooou. I asked them if I could still give it to you but they said noooo." Then she LITERALLY lays her head down on the tree branch he's using for a chopping block in a creepy sign of submission (sadly, he does not use his axe to lop it off). "I knooooow it's not right," she moans, "Everybody does." Yup. And Lil wants us to all feel bad for her feeling bad for something GOOD that she's gonna get to do, like that's gonna make it all balance out. Uh uh, Lil, we aren't as dysfunctional as you are! Sandra glares over at Lil, "What's done is done, bitch." Lil isn't finished. She then pleads her case to America, "I shoulda sent Rupert, Rupert should gooooh. Rupert woulda caught fish--I can't catch fish. I'm baaaaad at everything, just like Daddy always used to say. I don't wanna make people maaaad. I don't wanna make people upset," which is a shame, really, as those are things she DOES actually excel at. Then she goes in for the kill, "I don't get to GO on vacations--I can't afford that. So when I get a chance to sail on a beautiful boat, I take it. That's what I was thinking about when I said I'd keep the reward!" You know, I've been out on a catamaran before...Lake Berryessa. And I don't recall having to take out a bank loan to do so.

With Rupert Dad still angry and Burton Dad not around, Lil turns to Jon Dad (a deadbeat dad who shows up every fifth Thanksgiving to take you gambling, I'd imagine). "I'm such a bitch," she sniffles, waiting for the "Oh no, Lil, you could NEVER be a bitch," she counts on when making this "ridiculous" claim. Instead, Jon laughs, "Thank God!" And Lil burst into tears the way four-year-olds do when you tell them you're leaving the store and they aren't getting the candy bar. No, really. This is not a fully-developed woman, her emotional growth was stunted long ago, and this is only underscored by her standing there in a uniform associated with children. "Don't say that about God!" she wails, as though Jon might actually have the authority to make God an advocate of bitchiness. A bemused Jon (who's counting on her inner-backstabber to move him along in the game) there-there's her, and assures her that they WILL bring back fish to appease ANGRY DAD RUPERT. "Tijuana and Sandra were looking at me like I was scuuuuum," she continues. Welcome to Jon's world.

YET ANOTHER WAKE UP CALL FOR RUPERT TO IGNORE

Burton and Jon, who were so adamant in telling the girls that the plan was set and should no longer be discussed, decide to go off and hiss at each other about their til-the-end pact. both men feel that their previous shenanigans make it impossible for either to beat anyone but the other. "As long as we can get Lil to vote with us," Burton says, loud enough for an eavesdropping Sandra to hear. She reports back to Rupert, "Jon is gonna work his magic the entire time they're on that boat," she frets, apparently forgetting that Jon HAS no magic to work. Rupert is putting all his eggs in the "we were both picked on" basket. He has put her on a pedestal, never considering for one second that her failure to fit in at Morgan could have been HER problem. He assures Sandra, "Lil will come back--we talk every morning. She'll tell me the truth."

Ugh, before we take a Reward trip with Lil and Jon (much like that horrible safari with Brian and Clay in season 5), let's take some time for an

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON-STAR

Me: Hey, everyone, as we eagerly look forward to February, and the Survivor All-Star competition, let's take a moment to catch up with a contestant who, despite no official announcement from CBS, WILL NOT BE THERE. Today's guest is Lindsay from Survivor:Africa's doomed beaded necklace clique.

Lindsay: I don't care WHAT you say, !&*#@! I'm a freaking bad-ass and I'm PUMPED, and I am SO gonna be a Survivor All Star! &#$@!

Me: Lindsay...you got your ass kicked by a tree. A dead one, at that.

Lindsay: I could SO beat that tree--if it had the BALLS to offer me a rematch! WHo's the Big Man Now, Stupid Africa Tree! @$#&!

Me: Uh Lindsay, actually...neither of you is a "Big Man"--

Lindsay: Don't #$&@ with me, Christine. You don't want to #$&@ with me--especially when I'm pissed! #$&@!

ME: Oooookay. Lindsay, do you look back on Survivor: Africa and wonder what would have happened had you not been too lazy to go on the mystery mission that allowed T-Bird and Frank to switch sides and eliminate Silas?

Lindsay: Shut UP! #@$&!!! Silas is coming back. Silas is coming back. Silas is coming back. @$#&!

Me: Okay Lindsay, I can see that you're upset---

Lindsay: I'm not upset. I am STRONG. @#$&!

Me: Okay, one last question--it's one that America has had on it's mind since it was first posed back in 2001, and you never gave us a straight answer. Lindsay, did your mother never hug ya?

Lindsay: @#$&! [ Lindsay begins kicking furniture until she's defeated by an especially tough couch. She rolls around on the floor sobbing and clutching her ankle]

Me: Uh, well, that concludes another Interview with a Survivor Non:Star. If there's anyone you'd like to see return to the review--but NOT to the show--please drop me a line :D

TWO HORRIBLE PEOPLE EAT PIZZA ON A BOAT

Lil is all agog as they sit on the catamaran, waiting for their food, "This is the nicest thing I've ever been on. We don't have nice boats in Ohio--well, maybe they do in Cleveland but that's only if you're a Drew Carey or an Arsenio Hall. Us regular Cincinnati folk have only read about catamarans in People Magazine! Of course, I can't afford People Magazine, I just read it at Super Cuts." Lil insists that Jon go over the VERY simple plan of voting out Rupert OR, if he wins immunity, Christa, "You may have to tell me four times, I'm not good at scheming and I need your male-guidance." She lays her head on Jon's shoulder in yet another creepy sign of submission. Then she laments, "I feel guilty about this. Well, not really, but my self-image is built upon the delusion that I'm morally superior to those around me and when I betray people, it makes my stomach hurt--and I can't afford Rolaids!" Lil gets hammered on half a beer, ties a square knot and declares, "I am the SCOUT MASTER!" while Jon admires his reflection in one of the boat's windows. They fish off the back of the boat and don't catch anything, which irritates everyone when they return to camp. Rupert chats up Lil that night, telling her if she sticks with him, she might be top two--who knows. Well, Lil might know that that's unlikely. She denies any type of plot with Jon and he falls for it hook, line and sinker (even though the hook and sinker aren't tied on very well). "When Lil assured me that she was on my side, I wanted to hug and kiss her." But soon, he will be in the long line of those eager to punch and kick her.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

the best dart blower
not only protects himself
but kills all others

The immunity Challenge is a fun one, based on the dart game called Killer. The players all have an assigned color. they use a blow gun to hit their own color. Once they accomplish this feat, they become "killers," and can blow darts at everyone else's colors. Each player has three lives, plus one that is added when you become a killer. Everyone struggles at first, and when Rupert comes up for his first turn, Jeff beams, "Hey, franchise! Hey best-contestant-ever! Why don't you show these chumps how it's done?" Rupert proudly becomes the first killer, but Burton is quick to follow as are Jon . Rupert targets Darrah, arrrr, dirty no-god Morgan that she is, Burton guns for Tijuana. Jon ousts Christa and offers an unconvincing, "oops." Rupert eliminates the "dangerous" Darrah--it's all going to plan. But Burton quickly reduces Rupert to his last life. Then, before a stunned Rupert has a chance to regain killer status, Sandra accidentally takes away his last life. Burton wins immunity in a convincing show of dominance AND BETRAYAL. But Rupert refuses to see it for what it is, Burton paving the road to his now eventual exit. "The Immunity really pissed me off," he complains, "I KNOW I was the best damn dart-blower out there but they got me out! Sandra di'nt mean to, I'm not mad at her. but Burton. HE knew what he was doin'. And ya know what I'm gonna do about that? Nuthin." Say Rupert, you know who I think the best dart-blower is? The person that actually wins the contest. Good think Darrah doesn't have that immunity though--because you would have hated to have to vote for, say, Tijuana instead.

RUPERTLOO

Ever see a giant snake kill a chameleon and then swallow it whole? Yeah, I hadn't either before tonight and it's an image I would have preferred to live without. This is supposed to symbolize Rupert's being betrayed by his alliance, but what actually happened would have been more accurately illustrated by some footage of a goat strutting proudly over a cliff. I'm SORRY! I loved him too!

Burton and Jon once again pledge their devotion to one another. Burton is already looking ahead to the Final immunity Challenge, where he promises to take Jon. Both men are VERY confident that they'll be there. Jon gives the camera a stoned smile (seriously, WHERE is this guy getting the drugs), "I'm pretty happy right now--I'm riding the coat-tails of a very smart, very strong, very attractive man. I promised Rupert that I'd never write his name down again, but a promise to me can be broken as easily as a fat woman on wicker furniture, heh heh, it's that simple." Jonny Not Funny, ladies and gentlemen. Not only does he make a really tasteless joke, he tells it wrong.

Rupert SHOULD be scrambling, aware that Burton is out to get him, but instead he's chatting about seashells with Lil. "What needs to be done, Poppa?" she blinks. "Jes' clean yer shells, that's a good girl." Lil frets as she polishes her backstabbing knife,"Jon and Burton keep pounding it into my head and berating me--they can be so meeeean--they keep telling me it's just a game but I'd love to keep Rupert. I love that man--he's *sniff* like a father to me!" Rupert, still WAY TOO into being a Drake, "confirms" with the boys that Darrah's going out, "We have teh target the Morgan's first." Rupert is TRULY a great person, a great guy, a great provider, a great hunter, a great competitor, a great friend but HE SUCKS at Survivor. Cluelessly, he prepares for Tribal Council, "Darrah packed her things--she seems ready to go. That could be an act I suppose, but I've got Christa, Sandra and Lil, so the worst that could happen is there's a tie and we go from there. Y'know, my girl Lil has been the key factor in a lot o' votes--she's really blossomed under my protection." Lil is his Achilles Heel. The Drakes vow their loyalty to Rupert--he makes them look him in the eye and they have no problem lying to him. Sandra shrugs, "Everyone keeps sayin' we have a strong five, and then we'll split from there. I guess they could outmaneuver us, but I don't see how." I don't know why Rupert, Sandra and Christa don't see Tijuana and Darrah as having any chance. Maybe they figure that Andrew and Rhino tried to work a deal and got shot down, but Burton is ONLY threatened by other guys. He doesn't see Tijuana or Darrah as able to best him at anything, so he's more than willing to keep them around in order to knock of Rupert--in his mind, his ONLY competition.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Rhino is brought in clean-shaven, which delights Tijuana. She's also grinning because she knows she and Darrah will live to fight another few days. Jeff wonders who the Tribe shouldn't live without and the ever-loyal Sandra insists, "HIM, Rupert. He brings in the fish. Burton brought in ONE fish and a bunch of measly stingrays. I mean, I'll eat em and everything, but they suck compared to fish. If it weren't for Rupert we'd be ass-out!" Which apparently you can say on CBS at 8pm, who knew? Jeff smiles, "Well, he IS the best casting we ever did, that's for sure. Lil, do you agree?" "Wulh, it's true Rupert does catch fish but...don't get mad or anything, Rupert, but there's another person who also catches fish who I inexplicably choose not to name even though Sandra just said who it was." Rupert looks alarmed at this less-than-glowing assessment of his value to the tribe. Jeff asks Burton, "Are you and Rupert trying to one-up each other at being the Alpha Male in the tribe?" Burton chuckles, "No. Rupert has CLEARLY caught more fish than me. However if one of us were to say, be struck by lightening, or inhaled to much smoke and passed out in a campfire, I think the tribe would live. The Morgans did." Burton is amused. Jeff sighs, "These Tribal Councils have been kinda dull lately. Sandra, could you trash talk somebody, just to spice things up before the vote?" "I'd be happy to, Jeff. Let it be known that Jon wakes up at noon, and then goes off to his secret napping place...I've never seen him clean a dish, I've never seen him clean a fish. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like Jon, San I am." Jon rebuts, "She gives me a headache--it's all about her when CLEARLY, it should be all about me." Finally, Jeff asks "doomed" Darrah, "You look like you've given up--would you be surprised to go home tonight?" "Wul Jayf, ah always luk lahk this but nah, I'd be mahty disappointed, but not a'tall surprised, no sir."

Rupert is despondent at his ouster. He receives 5 votes, Darrah gets 2 and Sandra stupidly votes for Jon. After her own-goal cost Rupert immunity early today she's very lucky her last minute decision to send a message to Jon wasn't a pivotal one--it very well could have been. Jon grins as a dazed Rupert speaks for many Americans. "I cannot believe that." But he SHOULD have seen it coming: Burton broke his promise to share his reward, Sandra overheard Jon and Burton plotting to control the game, and then Burton went after Rupert in the Immunity challenge. Also, Jon has plotted to take down Rupert in the past. He was a cancer that should have been carved out long before this point. And he projected too many of his own qualities onto fellow-misfit Lil to see her for the spineless liar she really is.

And then the exit speech. I know it comes in the heat of the moment, after a vicious gut-punch, but I still count it as the most embarrassing--right in front of Marquesas's John who cried and apologized to his mommy for not being able to buy her a house. Rupert sulks, "It is INSANE how bad I need this. This could have really made my life a lot better. I always get hurt when I trust people. I don't fit. I want to be accepted and I never get the acceptance I want. So much for my dreams." Whatever. I mean, wouldn't a million dollars help MOST people? I said it before, I'll say it again, everyone ELSE is trying to win too--and that's OKAY. I realize that Rupert doesn't know what a big star he is yet, but even still, his pity party annoys the hell outta me. Rupert, you weren't ousted because you're "the fat kid" or because nobody liked you. You were voted out because you are too strong a competitor (which you made damn sure everyone knew), and because you are SO well-liked, nobody wants to go up against you at the Finals because NO ONE could have beat you. And the fact that you don't "get" that just underscores that, for all your hunting and fishing prowess, you never really "got" Survivor, nor do you understand what's going on inside the people around you. Check yourself, dude. No one likes a sore loser.

Rupert is ousted in 8th place, joining Survivor's first REAL star, in my opinion, Jenna. Her tears and drama annoyed me but it was only when she was eliminated that I realized how revolutionary this show was. This is a show that votes out it's stars. Like Australia's EVIL Jerri, who was finally, magnificently voted out at this point in the game along with Duplicitous Brandon, Creepy Zoe, Ken the Cop and DA Deena. What's in store? I think the girls need to gun for Burton should he ever not win Immunity (c'mon, it could happen). Jon, Burton, Lil, Tijuana and Darrah? Doesn't sound like a strong five to me. Peace Out! :D

Survivor 7.9 Rupernational House of Pancakes

Uh, so I was unaware of the Great Cincinnati Conspiracy Theory until my sister gave me the 411! it turns out that, for whatever reason, Survivor's absolute strongest market in the US is Cincinnati, Ohio. So this year, Mark Burnett made a point of praising the fact that they had finally cast someone from that city to take part in Survivor: Pearl Islands, and that person is Lillian the Pout Master. Yeah, and isn't it convenient that she gets the boot, only to return in a highly controversial and convenient twist!? That's right people, Lil's back in the game cuz that's the way The Man wants it to be.

I HATE LIL

Morning at Balboa and Lil feels GREAT! "Wuhl, I have to say it's like night and day. I've turned on my Morgan tribe--wuhl, don't criticize me everybody! I had no choice, they would have voted me ouuuut soon as they had a chance! They would have said, "Oh, Lil you've got great work ethics (sic, that's how she says it) and you're a real nice lady but see ya around!" See, I doubt they'd be calling you a nice lady at this point Lil, and I SINCERELY doubt that anyone would really want to see you around. She goes on, "Usually, I have regrets stabbing someone in the back [yes, she actually said this] but THIS time, wuhl, I felt like I stood up for myself! I'm no longer the Cincinnati Workhorse--I'm just Lil, and it's real nice." Agh, I can't stand the SIGHT of her. Then she goes to suck up to Rupert, "I have blossomed more in the last two days with just a huuuug? Or a kind word? You know, they used to BEAT me at Morgan! So, whatever you decide, Dad--I mean, Rupert. I'm with the team." Of course Rupert eats it up, she's not only acknowledging his authority over the tribe, she's also feeding his need to be The Protector. He says, "Lil, if yeh ken win thet immunity, I'll put a Drake out before yeh." Lil kicks the dirt, "Aw, shucks, Rupert...you don't reeeeeally mean that...do you?" And the All Powerful Rupert insists, "Don't put yerself down, Lil. You brought down Savage--you're a LION!" Gag me. So, Lil turned on Morgan because she knew they'd vote her out in 5th place, and now she's trembling with excited over the possibility that if she were to win immunity, Rupert would ALLOW her to get to 5th place over Burton. Yeah, she's that stupid. Not only has she NOT traded up, she's acting like Rupert's being magnanimous. Uh, Lil, if you win immunity and there are only Drakes left then he HAS to take you over a Drake. AGH! Dumb People!

ALL HAIL KING RUPERT

Meanwhile, Rhino isn't happy because he knows he's next on the chopping block, "Lil turned on Morgan because she was mad at Andrew." Well, and the rest of you , Ryan. He tries to lobby Burton, insisting that Rupert must feel threatened by Burton. He wonders how tight he is with Lil and Burton hedges, "Uh, well, we aren't FRIENDS or anything, it's more like we're the only ones who know what it feels like to be voted out, that's all." Ryan floats the idea of he, Tijuana, and Darrah joining Burton and Lil and getting rid of Drake. Burton is tempted--the concept of ousting the people who voted against him is very tempting. Burton, Ryan, Lil and Rupert go fishing, and Burton skewers a stingray which turns out to be electric. Everyone has fun getting shocked by putting their fingers in the orifices of the dying animal--hey, remember, they don't have TV. Then they all have fun eating it and making puns about how it tastes "shockingly good," and so on. Tijuana raves, "It is sooo much better to be eating than to be starving to death, as we were at Morgan. I mean, Rupert and Burton are actually COMPETENT fishermen!" Rupert smiles, "I am The Provider--and I like that feeling. I like being able to feed people, and control people and decide their destinies." I don't WANT to turn against Rupert, and I still feel he's a fundamentally good guy, but he's REALLY getting to big for his britches and NO, that's not a fat joke, Rupe. Rupert is reaching that point where he believes that this is HIS game, and that anyone else's attempts to win it themselves are personal attacks against him. He's also not afraid to be seen as the leader because I honestly don't think Rupert thinks that anyone can actually beat him at anything! And maybe they can't, but still! "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." [Proverbs 16:18] Not trying to get all Joanna on you guys, but I'm just saying if he were smart, he'd check himself. Hallelujaaaaaaah! ;)

OOH, BIG SURPRISE: RUPERT WINS AGAIN! AND THEN GIVES AWAY HIS REWARD!

Sigh. Okay, Reward challenge. It's the first individual reward challenge for Balboa, and this one is for a breakfast buffet with pancakes, bacon, eggs---well you've had breakfast before! As usual, Jeff asks rhetorically, "Worth playing for?" It'd be funny if one day everyone was like, "Meh, not really," and went home. In this game, everyone uses a slingshot to break target-plates which trigger a fire. Jon messes up and is DQ'd and Jeff quips (alluding to his throwing the wrestling/checkers game) "One more challenge that Jon can't finish." Heh heh. I love that Jeff hates Jon as much as I do. Since Lil is now "blossoming," we have to suffer through her endless mugging as she thanks God any time she hits a target and acts like it's oh so surprising that one as humble as she could succeed in anything, BLEH. Of course, Rupert wins, and OF COURSE when he's given the chance to give it to someone else HE DOES. I don't think it's ever wise to give up a reward--it doesn't seem "nice" it seems arrogant, like "I don't need it, there will be others." But he gives it to Burton since Burton gave him immunity and Burton chooses (as Rupert requested) Lil to come along, "Whaaaa---Meeeee!?" Shut the BLEEP up, Lil.

FRATMAN AND ROBIN

Burton and Jon conspire to break up Rupert and his women. They know there's no way to separate the three, and they know that getting rid of Rupert gives everyone a better shot at the million dollars. Burton tells us that he wants an Outcast to win--no one else does, dude. I swear I will never fully recover if one of the losers they let back in goes all the way. It's blasphemy. Jon is pleased that Burton has come to him, "I'm a dastardly, deceitful little punk so Burt was smart to come to me with his plan. It's funny that he's now my strongest ally since I played such a huge role in his getting kicked out in the first place. Irony really does play a huge part in this game." So does stupidity.

LUCKY LOSERS TEAM MEETING, PART ONE

Burton and Lil, who didn't really earn a spot in the Final Nine, head out for their unearned breakfast reward. Burton tells Lil, "Rupert, Sandra and Christa are really tight and we can't separate them--they'll take each other to the very end." Lil nods, "Wuhl, so then...we have to get rid of one of them?" "We have to get rid of all THREE of them, Lil--you DO know what FINAL TWO means, right?" Lil tells us, "Wuhl, this breakfast is important to me because I need hear from Burton what's going on and what he expects me to do. I need my orders. I'm gonna do whatever this young man tells me to do." Seriously, have some self-respect, Lil. They arrive at the feast and it's the usual Survivor Gushing Tribune to Ordinary Food, "Pancakes!? Bacon!? Bread!!!? I didn't know they still MADE bread! We haven't seen these in THREE WHOLE WEEKS! Lil doesn't drink--and apparently has never been to the movies nor watched TV because she seems under the impression that Burton invented shaking up a champagne bottle so it will explode upon opening, "What's gonna haaaapen?" she frets as she hides behind him. I can't believe even 8-year-olds would respect and follow this woman. Then Burton begins imparting. He tells her they have to get rid of Rupert at the next possible turn, and if he gets immunity they need to take out Christa. If they get rid of Sandra or Christa, Rupert will be scrambling to get new allies. When Burton instructs Lil to tell Rupert that she's on their side and eager to vote however they do, Lil pouts, "See, now, it's starting to be like lying, and I'm gonna have a problem with that." Burton frowns and Lil, fearful that she may have angered her latest Daddy replacement, insists she can go through with it, 'I know, I know. I'm actually a two-faced bitch, but I have to sound like I have a problem with lying when I'm wearing the sacred uniform of the Boy Scouts of America!" I'm thinking Lil's real father didn't have a son so Lil is now a Boy Scout to prove she's just as good as any boy? I mean, really, why not a Girl Scout? I'm pretty "liberated" and I was a Campfire girl--there's no shame in it! I mean, no offense to any female Boy Scouts who may be reading this but...What the Hell? Lil is seriously an affront to all women, pouting around waiting for some man to tell her she's worthy so that she can then follow them around like a dog and do as they command. She reminds me a little of Thailand's Helen, who you'd think as a Navy swim instructor might have some leadership skills and a backbone, and instead she just accepted Porn Star Brian as her Commanding Officer and Aye Sir'd herself into 4th place. I'll bet Helen wakes up in the middle of the night screaming about how she and Jan didn't bother to touch base with one another before that vote. Which leads us to:

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON-STAR

Yes, as we gear up for next February and the Debut of Survivor: All Stars, I thought it would be nice to catch up with those who don't stand a chance at being asked back for such a big event. Tonight's guest is Old Drunken Jan from Survivor: Thailand...

Me: Hello Jan, thanks for talking with us this week.

Old Drunken Jan: Why, thanks for having me, sweetie.

M: So Jan, first of all, sorry that you won't be on the All Star show--

ODJ: What makes you so sure, honey? Nuthin's been officially announced, y'know.

M: Er, well...yes. That's true but...you can't REALLY think you fall into the category of "memorable contestant", can you?

ODJ: Well why not, missy? I was in the Final Three of Survivor Thailand. Seems to me they should just take the Final 3's of each season, maybe some fours or fives to make up for people who don't wanna go--

M: You weren't in the Final 3, Jan.

ODJ: Why, yes I was. Check on that there chart of yours! Go on, I'll wait.

M: (laughing) Oh, okay, Jan, I'll indulge you. It says right here that you....what the! You finished THIRD!? How did that happen, all you did was get drunk, get hurt and cry all the time!

ODJ: That was my strategy--and I DID pick the team, remember? Well, except for Clay--he was a leftover.

M: Speaking of Clay, do you ever regret not consulting with Helen about the fact that Brian and Clay played you two and told both of you to vote against each other and had you voted TOGETHER you could have at least forced a tie-breaker and been in the Final Three together?

ODJ: I'll have you know that I was giving a eulogy for a very special dead bat baby that day, so I was unable to meet with Helen. It was a scheduling thing!

M: Heh, oh right, the Baby Bat thing. Good times. I had this running gag in my reviews of that season, where I referenced that Chili's commercial? You know, Chili's Baby Back Ribs? Only instead of Baby Back Ribs, I'd sing Baby Bat Thing---

ODJ: Don't you say anything bad about Oliver! I'll cut ya! Those dead baby bats were my cheeeeeelren!

M: Jan, to quote Jeff Probst, are you loaded?

ODJ: *hic* You're pretty.

M: Ahem, well uh, that concludes this week's Interview with a Survivor Non-Star. If there's anyone you'd like to hear from--who doesn't stand a CHANCE at being brought back for the All Star season, please email me and maybe we can book them.

PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE

Sandra and Christa wash each other's hair--it's not nearly as creepy and homoerotic as when Jenna and Heidi did it last season. Okay...it's a little creepy. Despite everyone's belief that they are inseparable from Rupert, they are wondering how they can bring about his ouster. Can they use the other women to get rid of Burton and Rupert? And if so, who the hell is gonna catch any fish? Christa shrugs to the camera, "Hey man, I know you all love Rupert, but he's big and strong and I want to win a million dollars too, okay? It's not like I feel good about it." They go out on some sort of hunting expedition with Darrah and Tijuana--and we're not shown what happens. It leads me to believe the girls are Richard Hatch-ing a plot. Tijuana muses, "Sandra and Christa are always saying things like, "we have to learn how to fish, or survive without fish if one of the men "gets hurt," Tijuana properly employs sarcastic quote fingers, "I think Darrah and me would be at an advantage because we already know how to get by without eating fish--we're from Morgan."

LUCKY LOSER TEAM MEETING, PART TWO

Burton tells Lil that they could be the Final Three with Jon, a horror to intense for me to encapsulate with the benign title of "worst case scenario." Lil whimpers, "You'd better hand feed me, real easy. I'm just a woman, after all." Burton gives her his "scout's honor" that he'll keep her in the game as long as he can. He also tells her that their official story for what went on at Breakfast Island is she droned on about the Boy Scouts and he fell asleep. She replies, "Don't make me ouuut to be a bitch, just say I was dumb broad." The terms are not mutually exclusive, Lil.

THE USUAL NONSENSE ABOUT CHORES

The Drakes work and work, while the Morgan's lay around giggling. Rupert complains to Christa about it, who complains to us, "Like, the Morgan's are just lazy, man. Unmotivated and chatty--that's not what Drake's about, man. And I know we're supposed to be like, Balboa now? But c'mon, seriously, who are we kidding with that?" Tijuana complains in turn, "They work too hard here. It's like, everyone has to be doing something all the time. At Morgan, I was free to be myself! I mean, yeah I was starving and cold because we were all too lazy to learn how to use the spear or build a decent shelter but when we weren't passed out from hunger we laughed A LOT." Lil walks by dragging a log of fire wood and pouts, "Now I know what Jesus felt like." Yes, she REALLY said that.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

a revealing quiz
you can hide your alliance
but not your bias

So, it's quiz time. Every contestant has a tray with five slots, and a bunch of painted coconuts. When you get a question right, you get to put a coconut in someone's tray and when their try is filled, they're out. This is the type of game that reveals who people are out to get--or at least who they're threatened by. It was this type of game that undid the Smugglies when John and his minions unintentionally told Neleh and Pappy that they'd be out right after Kath, Vecepia and Shawn. This one wasn't nearly as dramatic, though some interesting things came out of it. Ryan, who really really needs immunity, is knocked out first--largely by Tijuana who may just be watching her own back. If Ryan wins Immunity, she's most likely next in the Morgan pecking order. But, it could also signal a secret girl alliance. More on that after Tribal Council. Lil gives Ryan a coconut and winces as though she's just, oh, all torn up about it, gag me with merit badge. Jon targets Darrah, probably because of her major dis of him during the gross shake challenge when she said he'd never have a shot at dating her. The contest is actually pretty good-natured, particularly between Tijuana and Burton, who seem genuinely amused as they battle to oust one another. Lil also guns for Burton, overselling their not-so-secret alliance, "This is because when we had that breakfast, I did aaaaall the talking and this guy just sat there and...uh...nodded. That's right, isn't it Burton?" The most amazing thing is that NO ONE guns for Rupert. When Sandra FINALLY gives him one measly coconut, he growls at her, "Sandra, what are you doing?" He's playful, but it really was like, if you try to get Rupert out then you're a BAD PERSON. Christa takes a dive on the last question so that Rupert can win, and it's like everyone did their job, they're all good kids, they honored Rupert the Sacred Cow--no, Rupe, again not a fat joke. Just an observation that in MY day, really good Survivor contestants used to worry about being "targets" and went out of their way not to win EVERYTHING. And not to act entitled to the stuff they did win. I hate to compare Rupert, whom I like and respect, to Johnny Pots and Pans from the Marquesas, whom I loathe, but Rupert seems under the delusion that most of his tribemates are ROOTING for him to win the game. And that's crazy. And dangerous.

SHENANIGANS

Ryan O. knows he's pretty much doomed unless he can disturb the universe enough to get people to shake up the game. This is one of those times, however, when it benefits everyone to just let him take the hit. Darrah and Tijuana are outnumbered whether he stays or goes, so they're better off cutting their losses and trying to cultivate NEW alliances. Survivor is a harsh mistress. On the way back to camp, Rupert holds court with the ladies while the other men sulk. Jon and Rupert go fishing, and discuss Rhino's attempts to sway Burton. Rupert raves, "I tol' Burton, if he crosses me, I'll kill 'em." And he has that Lex-vibe to him, like maybe he means it? "He said, "oh, no no no, thet's why I gave you thet immunity!" Jon insists, 'He means it, too." That seemed like a bit of an oversell too, like why would Jon vouch for Burton? Rupert is looking forward to ousting Ryan, who he sees as "The leader o' the weak." He worries, "Rhino has the potential to bond together with Tijuana, Darrah and Burton and Jon against me, Sandra, Christa and Lil. I hope that doesn't happen." If he thinks that threat ends by getting rid of Rhino "the leader," he'd best think again. Jon and Christa do some plotting of their own. Christa wants Burton gone before Rupert which of course Jon doesn't because he has a super secret bond with Burton. He spins, "Rhino's the least trustworthy person out here--why not just get rid of him? Why roll the dice and give him chance to get a foothold in the game?" Christa seems surprised at Jon's assessment of Ryan, but doesn't argue either. Again, since there's no reason to rock the boat at this point, and Ryan's ouster benefits everyone (it makes Tijuana and Darrah more dependent on she and Sandra, for example) why over-play the game here? Why defy His Highness when Rupert has decreed that Ryan should go? Christa is confused about her place in the game, but feels she hasn't actually promised anyone anything, so she hasn't really lied yet. Burton talks to Jon and Christa, mocking Ryan's attempts to pull him into an alliance, "Ryan keeps saying, they voted you out before, and they're all really threatened by your killer physique and keen intellect--those are his words, mind you. And I was all, sheeyeah right! Like they'd really stab me in the back AGAIN?" Christa laughs nervously.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Lil once again to tell everyone how much she prefers being in Balboa to being in Morgan, "Wuhl, it's great for meeeee. I feel like a new person, I feel myself laughing more and I love it! I me I me I me I me I me I me me me ME!" Jeff nods condescendingly, "That's terrific, Lil. Christa, would you like to mouth off about who's not working around camp?" "Hey, thanks man, I really would. Dude, like, are you reading my MIND? Anyways, it's like, Tijuana and Darrah are like, really lazy and it's a total drag because like, I don't want to tell anyone what to do--I'm not about that, man. Being bossy is like, a real bringdown, you know?" Darrah rebuts, "Et Morgan, we lahk, we wuhd sit aroun' en laugh en whatnot en then we'd all get up at once and lahk, get enough fahrwood fer lahk three days. We don' hef tuh git it ever fahv minutes. I know I hef to git fahrwood an' I'll git fahrwood when I wanna git fahrwood!" I could be REALLY wrong about this, but I think a secret girl alliance is afoot and this was all for show. Rupert falls for it, fretting about disharmony in his fiefdom and insisting, "Hey now, we all need tuh improve. We cain't be pickin' on each other, okay?" Jeff asks Burton to elaborate on the tension and he shrugs, "Well, there are more Drakes then there are Morgans--I guess that would have a lot to do with it." Jeff grimaces, "Well, that was the most boring Tribal Council ever, what's say we vote?"

Ryan O. aka Rhino is ousted almost unanimously--Tijuana and Darrah choose to vote him out. He votes for Christa saying, "I didn't like you before, I don't like now. Plain and simple, you're a bitch." Huh. I think we missed something, and CBS.com adds more intrigue. Here's what Tijuana and Christa had to say:

Tijuana: "Rhino, this vote goes to you. I told you when I first met you that I don't know if I should trust you or not. And I was right on. And you betrayed me and our alliance. That alliance could have gotten you further in the game but you chose not to. In the end, I am sending this vote with a big smile, in the hope that you're gone from (myself?). On a personal level, you're a great guy and you've made me laugh. And I was glad to get to know you."

Christa: You're the weirdest, most disrespectful guy I've ever met. You're so negative."

So clearly, we are NOT being shown a lot of the scheming, nor were we shown what weirdness went on between Ryan and Christa. I don't MIND being in the dark, mind you, but I;d much rather see Ryan and Christa irritate each other than listen to Lil whine, which took up about 50% of this episode.

Rhino joins fellow first jurors: Weird Greg, Powerful Alicia, Framed Kelly, Crying John (hee hee), Buxom Erin who my twin sister can't even remember existed despite these lengthy reviews, and Rocket Scientist Dave. Rhino pathetically makes a big deal about getting his revenge on the jury--you still gotta vote for someone, dude. Next week: Tijuana goes if Drake holds firm, but I think the Secret Girl Alliance goes into effect to down Burton or Rupert--though they might doom themselves if they spill to wannabe boy, Lil. I don't WANT Rupert to lose, but it would be nice to see him get nervous enough to perhaps realize he isn't master and commander of the whole dang game and maybe dial ii back a little. One can only hope. I do think the girls would be smart to hang together--they might not even have to make a move this week since the guys seem so consumed with taking out each other, and aren't paying them much mind. This has been a great season and though precedent calls for a male winner (we have alternated guy-girl every season), I'd hate this to be like Thailand where the girls all do what the men tell them to do until they get the boot.

Peace Out! Christine :D

Survivor 7.8 Be Prepared (For Lil to annoy you)

First of all, some of you don't actually watch the show, and because I want you to appreciate my Lil-hate, I want you to go to a mirror immediately and do this: bring both corners of your mouth as FAR down as they can possibly go, while at the same time bringing your eyebrows as close together AND as far up as they can possibly go. That's how Pout Master Lillian looks ALL THE TIME. And that's whay she's annoying. And if she DOESN'T annoy you, then I want the name of your drug dealer.

FIRST EVER LOSER TRIBAL COUNCIL

We pick up at last week's cliffhanger, with Jeff welcoming the six previously ousted losers into their own super special reject Tribal Council. Jeff is just tickled with the very AUDACITY of it all, "Wow, this is a FIRST! A Tribe EXCITED to come to Tribal Council...well...I guess Drake was pretty excited to dump you, Burton, but STILL! This is GREAT TELEVISION. I bet we get a "Cheer" in TV Guide!" Jeff asks all of them how excited they are to get "revenge" and to plead their "case" for why they should go back in to the game. They all foam at the mouth about how they was done wrong, blah blah bleh and if you vote me in, I'll show 'em, I'll represent for The Outcasts! The only one I really liked was Nerd Ryan, and even with him, I'm sorry but the game is ABOUT rejection and politics and getting screwed over, quit whining. Is it CALLED "Second Chance?" "Raised from the Dead?" "Crybaby Loser Fest?" NO, it's "Survivor." Sigh. Everyone gets to cast two votes, and they can't vote for themselves. Burton and Pout Master Lil win. Lil grabs her heart, in shock that people would choose little ol' her, gag me. Jeff re-lights their torches and lets Lil randomly pulls an Orange Morgan buff out of a can, meaning she and Burton are rejoining their old tribes. Lil pouts, "Ohhhh, I wanted back in the game but I didn't want to go back to Mooooorgan!" Well you are.

HOME TO ROOST

Sandra is, for some reason, terrified of Burton's return. It's not like he's actually gonna kill you, Sandra. She's pulling for Nerd Ryan or Lil (people who don't KNOW Lil seem to really like her), and of course, its Burton who comes strolling into camp while they sleep. Actually, he kind of scampers in because there's this scary electric storm going on, and despite Sandra's fears, he doesn't lop anyone's head off with a machete. Everyone laughs and hugs and forgives in a "Survivor" kind of way, meaning no one is sure if they really mean it, but for now, Drake is united and strong. Sorta.

Of course at Morgan, no one's sleeping. Drake stole their sleep after they lost the last reward challenge. Lil is greeted like an old friend, "We LOVE ya, Lil. Always said so, didn't we? You're family! Family we disowned, yes, but...er...we LOVE ya, Lil!" Lil pouts, "Wuhl, I'm, I'm gonna Tryyyy again, to make you all PROUD of me...like I did before, when you voted me out." To the camera, Lil mocks everyone's attempts at friendship--I guess they were supposed to throw themselves at her feet, "Lil! You worked SO hard and we didn't appreciate you and we suffered so much without you and we DESERVED to!" Get over yourself, Pout Master! Lil's downer demeanor weighs on the others as they keep telling her how glad they are to have her back, and Lil finally whimpers, "Wull, I appreeeeeciate that, but YOU guys voted me OUT last time and I never felt like fit in!" The awkward silence that follows continues into the next morning...

BURYING THE HATCHET

Rupert awakens and takes Burton aside for a private word. He wants to get things straight about his part in Burton's ouster (Rupert wasn't THERE for the vote, but he did reluctantly agree to sit out the Immunity Challenge). Rupert tells Burton, "I heard you guys [The Frat Bats, Burton and Shawn] makin' fun uh me. Yeh laughed at me in my dress an' hurt my feelins. You called me a big kid in a sandbox--you took the role that every jock in my life took. I was beneath yeh." Rupert confides to us, "I portray a strong an' independent person, but in my head, I'm still that scared little fat kid that was picked on and put down all a' his life." And YET, doesn't go around pouting all the time. Interesting. Burton was of course oblivious to how his casual meanness was affecting Rupert, "I never really think about how other people feel. But I felt bad when Rupert said those things to me, so I apologized and that made me feel better." They shake hands and Rupert tells Burton that even if he didn't have automatic immunity this week, the vote would go against Jonny Fairplay anyway. Burton is pleasantly surprised. There's a stiffness to Burton that reminds me of Rock Hudson--you know, how he always played these rugged ranchers or pilots with a kind of formality? I dunno. Not thrilled to have Burton back, but he IS less of a braying bully than Shawn, plus he's better looking, so I agree with Rupert--Drake has traded up.

ANDREWLOO

Morning at Morgan, and naturally, everything sucks. Lil slides into her usual spot of being the water martyr. Not to say it isn't good of her to gather wood and water for the tribe, but if she had any real understanding of what went wrong last time, she would have waited for someone else to wake up so she start bonding. But that's not what the Pout Master is about. Lil WANTS to be the only one getting water and she needs to be miserable and alone and disappointed in everyone around her because it suits the perpetually sour expression on her face. That being said, if you're a Morgan, you have to suck it up and keep welcoming Lil and yeah, painful as it might be you should apologize. You should tell her how hard she worked, you should run down Osten and say "He just quit--you never would have quit, Lil. You're the hardest worker EVER!" Okay, that's an over-sell, but Lil might fall for it. Point is, Lil's their pivotal 5th member and if you alienate her, she's becomes the 6th Drake.

But Andrew's too pig-headed and hacked off to do any of that. He's so bought into the "I'm the leader" thing that he takes the return of someone HE eliminated as an affront to his authority. I think in Andrew's World, the only acceptable option the Outcasts had was to decline the chance to return to the game, "Thanks Jeff, but I was voted out fair and square, and I'm gonna have to defer to the judgment of my tribe and go home." I mean, I hate the twist with a passion but I don't blame any of the losers for taking it. But instead of trying to build up Lil, Andrew chooses to complain to her, "You have a bye this week--we CAN'T vote you out even though we'd LIKE to, so one of the Fantastic Four is going home--I hope you're happy. We worked SO hard to win those challenges and go in 5 on 5 into the merge that we all claimed not to be expecting but we really were and instead we get THIS and by THIS I mean You and we're all like, what the hell? Even your buff...look at it, it's all fresh and clean. My buff is old and stinky." Lil just blinks, which is about as good a response as any to Andrew bizarre decision to try to make her feel sorry for his having to take her back. Then she pouts to us, "I have a second chance at the gaaaame...and I THINK they resent me for it!" Just add them to your list, Lil. You know Lil has "a list." Andrew tells us, "I woke up really angry today--I'm not sure if you could tell. I had to pinch myself--it's Day 20, why the hell is Lil still here!?" Agreed, but DUDE, be the leader you claim to be and DEAL with it. Also, Morgan's down to their last serving of rice and they don't have a Texan state flag to trade Jeff for more...

IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AND YOU'RE ON SURVIVOR, EAT THEM

Drake is excited about an orange they find, but it turns out to be a lemon but they're staving off scurvy so they eat it anyway. You know where you won't get a lemon? Toyota of Orange. Burton is stoked about the new lemon tree, and goes off on a fruit-finding safari. Jon is left behind to cook and he claims to need help so Sandra agrees to stay. Christa, Burton and Rupert chuckle about Jon's paranoia--they're all against him anyway. Christa drawls, "Dudes, like, I have this philosophy man, that we all have to be truthful to one another and Jon keeps lying, man." Burton agrees, "I'm a changed man, Christa. I've learned a lot since I was voted out and if we keep lying to each other, Morgan's gonna win this thing!" Rupert is confident that the Morgan's don't like Jonny anymore than they do but Burton reminds him of the numbers game if there's a merge, "Rupert, they might hate him, but that's not gonna stop them from taking him if they can use him to get rid of us!" Christa seems stoked that Burton has the same understanding of the situation as she does.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

it's not surprising
for the merge to happen here
but we'll say it is

The tribes meet at the Challenge beach and Jeff says, "Take a moment to look at the new tribes," for the 50 thousandth time this season. Then he asks Sandra, "What are your food issues over at Drake?" Sandra laughs at the very IDEA, "Issues? There aren't any unless you count on how hard it is to decide between catfish or bass, and whether to put on the spices we won in that challenge or just douse it in juice from our lemon tree, and then you have to pick between soup or salad, and then between french fries, mashed potatoes or cole slaw...is that what you mean?" Jeff turns to Andrew for the Morgan sit rep. Andrew replies mournfully, "First off, I think we'd have just as much food if they hadn't taken our tarp. But we're living of muscles and coconuts. And I don't mean the mussels that are in the ocean, I mean that are bodies are cannibalizing themselves so that we can survive." Jeff chuckles, "That's awesome, Andrew. Your suffering has been the perfect contrast to Drake's prosperity--it's been GREAT television. Amazing Race may have the freaking Emmy, but we've got the best TWISTS, and the BEST contrasts between tribes. Not that they have tribes on The Amazing Race but...you know what I'm saying, thanks for being so incompetent. Are you guys expecting a merge this week to bail you out!? That would be PRETTY STUPID considering the BIG TWIST we threw at you last time, huh? So are you? Stupid enough to think the merge would come now just because it always comes when there are ten people left in the game?" Everyone is adamant in their "NO Way's," and then Jeff cackles, "Well PSYCHE!! Take off your buffs because you are now ONE TRIBE! HAH! Fooled you AGAIN!!" Whatever, dude. The new tribe color is black, and Andrew seems very taken with his fresh and clean new buff, which he sniffs in a sort of creepy way.

Jeff takes away The Skull-on-an-axe Immunity idol and unveils the Individual Immunity "necklace" for this season, which is a kick-ass pirate cutlass. Not happy with the twist, but the motif, and the contestants, continue to please. The challenge for today is a "keelhaul" swimming relay where everyone has to pull themselves under a dock on a rope and stay under water the whole time, pop up, run a tiny bit, back into the water, do it again. It's hard, and requires good swimming skills and stamina. The final four in the competition are Rupert, Jon, Burton and Rhino, and Burton wins. Then everyone wins when Jeff declares that they indeed have a huge "Merge Banquet" waiting for them at Drake's beach, where the new tribe will live.

THE BALBOA THE SNAKE MEMORIAL TRIBE

The new tribe is named Balboa, in honor of Rupert's snake who was named in honor of the guy who discovered the Pacific Ocean, or maybe Drake named the snake after the Panamanian money which they spend do much more wisely than Morgan on the first day of the game. At any rate, the tribe is now Balboa. Everyone has a great time at the feast, eating lamb and drinking beer and wine. Andrew declares, "That food was...heaven. My morale is WAY up. I finally feel like I may just make it out of this place." Andrew, I can guaran-damn-tee that you will make it out this place TONIGHT. Because when he gathers his tribe to pick their teeth and speculate who they're gunning for (Jon, NOT Rupert), he doesn't bother to include Lil on the meeting. She's off telling Evil Jonny Not Funny about how isolated she feels, "If I didn't have immunity, they'd vote me ouuut TONIGHT if they could." Jon reports back to Rupert and Burton takes Lil aside and tries to sell her on the idea of voting with Drake. At the Outcast Loser Tribal Council, he vowed that he would never lie to whichever Outcast Loser came back into the game, but even so, Lil's worried, "Are you suuuure," she whimpers. Eventually, even the dense morons of Morgan realize that Lil is spending a lot of time talking to Burton, and they've yet to bother to speak to her since the Merge. Andrew approaches Lil on the beach, all stern and disapproving father-figure, "Are you voting with US? Your tribe, the Morgan tribe? It's kinda important." The Pout Master does what she does best, "Oh, do you reeeeally WANT me? You guys are ready to vote me ouuut." Again, Andrew could at least TRY to PRETEND not to be irritated to distraction here, but he's distracted and instead gets adversarial, telling Lil that she's being naive by thinking that Drake won't dispose of her as soon as she's outlived her usefulness. At this point, Rupert happens upon them and stands behind Andrew (who doesn't see him) and starts shaking his head at Andrew's words and nodding his approval when Lil questions Andrews sincerity. In other words, Lil has a new father-figure to try to please. She also gets to throw Andrew's slight back in his face when he asks her to give him the heads-up he failed to give her when she was booted (she'll be talking about that one at the retirement home). She reminds him, "Do you rememberrrr? When I ASKED YOU to get back to me? And you never did?" "Oh, crap," Andrew sighs.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks everyone about the Merge, and Jon grins evilly as Tijuana tries to remain upbeat about her chances in the game. Don't think for a moment that my blinding hate for Lil has made me forget about my all-consuming hate for Jon--I got all my other senses for that. Lil tips her hand when she enthuses, "I'm thrilled with the Merge, it means I have a larger family. Hmmph." Rhino is his usual nice guy self when he claims that no one knows anybody well enough to want to write their name down and the bonding-banquet makes tonight's vote difficult on everyone, and Christa seems to like the cut of Rhino's jib, I'm just saying. Jeff reminds everyone that Lil and Burton are immune, and then asks Burton if he wants to give his assignable Immunity, the cutlass, to anyone else, and he gives it to Rupert as a good will gesture. Technically, that means Jenna is no longer the only person to give up Immunity, but since Burton is still safe, it doesn't carry the same weight. Onto the vote: Jon swaggers up and does an impression of Macho Man Randy Savage, in honor of Andrew's last name which is also Savage. Jon seems to take great pleasure in seeing his name come up, though it was nice to see his smile disappear when it cam up the fourth time. Lil does indeed join Drake and Andrew becomes...sigh... he finishes in 10th place with Gretchen, Jeff, Clarence, Boston Rob, Shii Ann and Roger. I know I said Shawn and Osten did that last week but I think the way I'm gonna have to account for this in the future is say that Shawn and Osten were ousted in a week that never existed before in the game, and give Andrew his rightful 10th Place title. And I know no one cares about this crap but you read it anyway, so thanks. Lil looks all smug and vindicated as Andrew leaves, like she's the ONLY person whoever got voted out of Survivor. She is one of the only two people to ever be let back IN to Survivor, you think she could try to look happy to be there.

Everyone else is now a juror, and it strikes me as a wise strategy to want to go into the Final Two with Burton or Lil because who on the jury BUT Burton or Lil would want an Outcast to win? I think Rhino is the SAFE bet for ouster, if Drake just starts to pick off the Morgans one by one. But for those who are about to start complaining about the predictability of that, remember that that scenario has only played out twice, in terrible, terrible Thailand and even in the first season and even then, The Evil Alliance was actually eager to replace tribemate Kelly with Colleen but Kelly kept winning Immunity when she need it. In Australia, Jerri and Amber were ousted by their own tribe in favor of Elisabeth and Rodger, in Africa, Kelly was booted by a paranoid Lex, In the Marquesas, the "doomed tribe" wound up with its own Vecepia as the winner because the "strong tribe" tore itself apart and last season there were so many shifts of power and alliance that you almost forgot the whole girls v. guys conceit that had started the show. So take heart, and remember, a strong Drake means hope for Rupert winning this thing. CBS is advertising that Rupert is in danger, which leads me to think he's safe but *gulp* you never know. The four remaining Morgan votes are now a weapon just waiting to be picked up and flung at an unsuspecting Drake, but I still think that even Jon is smart enough to wait at least one more week to try anything. If you oust Rupert next week, Morgan is then tied with Drake again at 4-4 and you've lost this week's advantage.

Peace Out :D

Survivor 7.7 Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes

WOW. Yes, Burnett did indeed let losers back into the game, and NO, I'm not really OUT, just like how I didn't REALLY jump out a window when Jenna won last season. I'm just big on empty threats and hyperbole...

DRAKE QUAKE

The Drakes return from Tribal Council and Rupert bellows (I wonder if they tell the contestants not to do anything very exciting back and forth from TC) "ARR, who the hell voted for ME!? RARRRR!" Jon cops to it, claiming lamely, "I was down for Drake, dude." Jonny looks really scared as Rupert continues to sputter and scream in his face. Rupert later confesses, "I coulda killed 'im. Literally--wrung his scrawny neck and popped his head off like a chicken!" I've had the same dream. Naturally, Jon tries to pin the whole scheme on Trish. It's not a bad way to go, but I think it's a bad move on Jon's part to say that he thought Rupert was gonna betray Drake, and he (Jon) was doing what was best for the tribe, considering how fanatical Rupert is about Drake. I mean, Rupert's gonna be calling himself a Drake when he's 80 years old. "I made a decision for DRAKE," Jon whimpers. "Drake made a decision t'night," Rupert corrects him, "You were the odd man out!" Jon later tells us that he's never forgiven Rupert for helping Morgan win the shower Reward challenge...yeah, whatever dude. Rupert and Jon hug and make up, but Rupert tells us, "I don't believe a word he says. Johnny Fairplay is now Jonny Pain in The Ass to me." Glad you could join us, Rupert.

Between eavesdropping on the hard-to-ignore Jon/Rupert scrum, Christa, Sandra and Shawn discuss how betrayed they feel by Trish, and how stupid she was to make a play for Rupert instead of just letting Shawn go out as planned, "Man, good thing Trish is gone and has no chance of EVER getting back in the game, man," Christa chuckles...

RAINY DAYS AND MORGAN ALWAYS BRING ME DOWN

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but the Morgan's are really hungry and they don't have any fish. Today's excuse is that it's stormy. Coach Andrew muses, "I think there's a direct correlation between the lack of protein in our bodies, and our lack of energy." Wow. Somebody should contact the New England Journal of Medicine with Andrew's radical theory, he may be on to something there. Andrew continues, "When Rupert was here, everything was wonderful. We ate, we laughed...we ate. Now Rupert is gone and we haven't caught a fish since. We'd give anything to have Rupert back." Yeah, OR! You could learn to fish, you mofos. I mean, I am by no means adventure-girl--in fact I don't even really like fish, but if I was THAT hungry, I'd be out there TRYING to catch something with that stupid spear shooter! It's point and shoot, there's an ocean of fish out there...odds are you could catch something by accident? Rhino, Tijuana and Andrew walk along the beach. Rhino spears a sting ray...but it gets away. Because they are Morgan.

BEANS AND RICE IS NICE

Well, turns out, that little PSA jingle from my youth ain't so true when it's all you've been eating for three weeks. "You can only eat so many beans," Andrew sighs. "Why's that?" Rhino wonders. "Because they SUCK." Andrew replies. That theory's maybe more "Men's Fitness" than the New England Journal of Medicine. Of course, even with the rice they got to swipe from Drake, they're almost out of food. Osten moans, "It's imperative that we merge. I'm a big guy, so stahvation's hahduh on me than on anybahdy else." Andrew clams that Morgan would be dancing and singing if they could only get some fish. Yeah, too bad you guys suck but we're sick of hearing about it--and remember, they're actually on a high from winning Immunity last night. This is a Morgan HIGH. Rhino wonders aloud, "I wonder how skinny Skinny Ryan would be by now?" "He'd perish." Osten jokes. "So would LIL," Andrew offers. "It sure is a good thing that they are GONE and have zero chance of ever coming back to the game!" Rhino chuckles...

IMMUNITY HAIKU

We could be more vague
And not even send a poem
with these locks and keys

"WE'RE GOING TO MERGE!!" Jon and Shawn and Sandra and Christa cheer, and Rupert looks on and scowls, "My tribe is so sure there's gonna be a merge but I'm not so sure and anyway, I like bein' a Drake. I don't wanna merge jus' yet." The Drakes head back to camp and all agree that it's time for some popcorn, which is their term for the popcorn-tasting coconut meat. Seems they could have called it...popoco, or something. Anyway, Jon is getting ready to prepare it and Shawn balks, claiming there's not enough time before the challenge. Jon shouts, "Of course you don't wanna help, you're a lazy BLEEP!" Shawn yells back, "Why ya gotta be a big whiny baby about everything, ya BLEEP!" In all fairness, both arguments have merit. Then Shawn goes into bully mode and gets into Jon's face and starts shouting, "Be a man! Call me a bleep one more time! Call me a bleep one more time! I'll deck ya, see?" And Jon yells, "Threaten me with violence ONE more time, and I'm gonna!" And Shawn growls, "Why I oughta....!" And I thought I was a fan of empty threats. Sandra sums up the dust-up thusly, "Hey, let 'em yell at each other: as long as they're not yelling at me, it's all good." Word.

C'MON BABIES, LET'S DO THE TWIST

The tribes gather at the beach for the very vague "reward challenge" and Jeff starts in on how they've each voted out three members of their tribes. "They were all voted out for different reasons--he only thing they have in common is that they are all out of the game and can't get back in---but that could change, SUCKUH'S!!" And with that, Nicole, Nerd Ryan, Lil, Burton, Michelle and Trish come marching in from the bushes, all dressed in bright purple buffs and frowning like it was goin' out of style. Apparently, they've been on the Island of Misfit Toys, waiting for Santa Probst to toss them back in the game. Who wants a caboose...with square wheels? A water pistol that shoots...jelly? A Boy Scout Leader who can't tie a knot? Jeff tells of how pirates used to abandon shipmates out to die, and if those pirates managed to survive and find their way back, they were lookin' for revenge (Jack Sparrow, anyone?) and baby, that's what the self-proclaimed Outcast tribe is looking for. Jeff reveals the high stakes for the challenge: If the Outcasts beat either Drake or Morgan, then the tribe that loses has to go to Tribal Council and vote someone out. Then the Outcasts get to vote IN one of theirs to replace them. If the Outcasts beat BOTH tribes, they get to vote in two people. The Outcasts will have automatic immunity in the next vote, to give them a fighting chance.

Word on the street is...okay, I read it in TV Guide...is that the Outcasts were told by Jeff that there would be ONE more Reward challenge, but they didn't know what it was so they were just as surprised as anyone else to find themselves back in the game. Maybe that's why Nerd Ryan was sporting that "Die, Jerks" bandana on his head--even with one week of guaranteed of immunity, integrating into either of these tribes is gonna be a tough sell, and that's one more strike. Lil is in full-on pout mode, and it's just so unbecoming. It's really hard for me to imagine wanting this sour-puss anywhere near one's kids. Jeff assures the tribes, "The Outcasts have been living on meager rations of rice, fruit and protein, just like you." The Morgans look down and kick the sand, "Yeah, protein...just like US." Probst is clearly enjoying the shock and horror on everyone's faces (though frankly, Tijuana and Rhino seem kinda amused) and he shrugs, "Hey, if you guys are TRULY the 10 strongest players in this game, this should be NO problem." Rupert nods confidently.

The challenge itself is an elaborate jail-break type, where one person runs to get a flag, then they have to dig into a cage and free someone and they dig their way into another and eventually everyone's using a pole to get one last key so they can unlock the last gate and run to freedom. I'm going on record here and calling it the LONGEST FREAKING CHALLENGE EVER FILMED. It went on forever. And the Outcasts won. Jeff calls it "a HUGE upset" which is a little ridiculous, then he has to go over and tell a despondent Rupert that the game is REALLY over and to leave the jail. Jeff tells Drake and Morgan they will be voting someone out, and the Outcasts that they will be voting in two members. The Outcasts are hugging and cheering--it's a shame we won't have any insight into whatever bonding they've done. Jeff asks Burton how big a victory this is and he assures the other tribes, "Whatever hardships you think you've been through, none of you know how bad it feels to be voted out of a tribe. It is the LOWEST of the LOWS." Spoken like someone who's never been to Morgan.

NO FAIR!

No one's very happy about the twist. At Morgan, Andrew is spitting nails over the whole thing, "Look me in the eye and SWEAR to me that WHOEVER comes walking up that beach to join us is OUT at the very next Tribal Council!!" Rhino tells him that they have immunity the first week and Andrew is flabbergasted-guess he wasn't paying attention. He is especially mad at Skinny Ryan, who he's never really liked. I LIKE Andrew, but I find his Nerd Ryan-hate a big turn off. Tijuana, or "T" as her tribe calls her, maybe because they're not sure if she's really Tijuana or Tawanda, muses about Andrew's outrage, "None of us are happy about the twist, but Andrew...he's especially threatened becasue he's comfortable being the leader and with how the tribe is set up right now." Hmmmm. Andrew's Lieutenant isn't following blindly, that's good to see. I like Tijuana. Osten makes the vote easy on everyone by quitting, "Vote me out tonight--and this time I'm pohsitive, I really mean it." He calls himself a "bag of atrophy," and laments not being able to give that elusive "110%" THAT CLICHÉ WILL NEVER DIE AT MORGAN--which is odd since 45% would probably be a good day for them. Osten somehow thinks he's being noble here, and sniffs, "I'm in unbeahable pain all the time and it's wohse fuh me because of my muscles and if anyone out theh, and Christine, ahm lookin' in your direction, doesn't like anything I've said or done they can get in line to kiss my ass." Hey, you know what Osten? I think I could easily KICK your ass most days. To insure my victory, I'd bring along a scary bird...

The Drakes aren't nearly as angry about the twist. Sandra is convinced it will be Burton and Lil, while Jon thinks it will be Michelle and Lil. I guess if you didn't actually live with her, you might thing Lil was likable. Jon rants to the camera, "The reason those guys were so happy is that they are losers who were given a second chance at life--if you're a winner, you don't need a second chance game, man, but they've been losers their whole lives so they're used to it." Uh...okay. No Drake's want to quit, and Rupert, Christa and Sandra have no real use for either Shawn or Jon, so they ask them to plead their cases. Shawn lobbies, "Well, I'm handsome, one. Second, I've been pretty honest up to this point--I trust Jon about as far as I could throw him...wait, no, that's pretty far." Jon glares and then responds, "I'm loyal to Drake, and I'm a very hard worker, nyah."

TRIBAL COUNCIL ONE: DRAKE

Jeff asks Rupert, "Did you expect to be here two days in a row?" He smiles ruefully, "Tow days in a row, two days in a row, I never would've expected to be here two days in a row." Before it turns into a Dr. Seuss poem, Jeff moves on to Christa, who admits being thrown by the twist but isn't scared, "I never bad mouthed any of the people we voted out." Sandra's VERY scared of a vengeful Burton returning--I think she's overestimating his chance at returning and also, giving him too much power if he does. There would be some delicious irony if he DID return, because Drake deliberately lost to oust him--a move which caused them momentum, superiority at the merge and the respect of Morgan (who, unbeknownst to most of Drake, know about the arrogant move thanks to Jon). A stiff price to pay regardless of who shows up but if they lost all that and then get Burton BACK in the game? And what if he goes to Morgan? Yowza. Since Jeff missed it the first time around, Shawn and Jon are given one last chance to plead their cases. Rupert looks ready to pop when Jon declares, "I care more about Drake than I do myself," but Shawn is indeed booted (Jon's only words as he casts his vote are "F*** you," which was funny because that's what most people really ARE saying when they right someone's name done. Despite my intense Jon-hate, I understand voting out Shawn to avert a reunion of the dynamic Frat Bats, should Burton return.

TRIBAL COUNCIL TWO: MORGAN

Of course the weather is worse for Morgan's Tribal Council--a little black cloud DOES follow them wherever the go, and NO, I'm not talking about Osten. Andrew tells Jeff that Osten has asked to be voted out and Osten launches into yet another, "I prahmised myself that I'd only go as fah as my bahdy allows," excuse-fest. Jeff pointedly asks Andrew, "ANdrew, isn't the whole point of this game is finding out what you're really made of in the face of pain and hunger and hardship? Isn't it all about rising above the Big Whiny Baby that is in all of us and pushing throught?" Andrew agrees. Jeff continues, "Did you HEAR Burton today? He was HUMILIATED and BLINDSIDED when he was kicked out of this game and yet he's back, fighting to get another chance at this game...doesn't that make you feel like a wuss?" Osten is unswayed, "I compah my bahdy to us cah: if it has no gas, it will naht run." Jeff is like a dog with a bone, "So, Tijuana, I'm guessing that Osten is the "mystery quitter" from the second Tribal Council, and that was like, what day 5 or 6? So hasn't Osten ALWAYS been a worthless quitter?" Tijuana shrugs, "Meh, pretty much. I don't understand it--I'd die before I gave up this opportunity." Darrah agrees, "Ah don' wan' leave this here gayum neither, no sir, lahk T sayed you'd hef to carry me away cuz I ain't leavin iffin' I don't have tuh." Rhino tells Jeff he respects Osten for he is, even if he's a loser. Jeff continues to cross-examine Osten until he says, "Look, if you wahnt to call me a quittah, that's up to you. But I'm stahpping. My health is more important to me---" Jeff screams, "Dude, what the HELL are you DOING here!? I've been to about 100 Tribal Councils, and even though B.B came AWFULLY close, no one's ever just quit the game unitl now. You don't deserve a vote, I'm gonna lay your torch down to indicate you're a quitter, now git! And befoul this sacred Tribal area no longer!" Once Osten leaves (he gets no goodbye clip), Jeff tells Morgan, "People work to hard to get here and stay here for us to have to tolerate someone like Osten taking up space. You're gonna get a new member added to your tribe and I guarantee you, they really want to play this game."

Osten and Shawn are both ousted in 10th place, a position USUALLY reserved for the first merge-casualty. The only other time this wasn't true was in Thailand, when the tribes moved in together but weren't actually merged, and Sook Jai's Shii-Ann paid the price for making friends with the Chewing Gums to early. This is where we lost noble Gretchen, smug Jeffy Jeff, larcenous Clarence, puppet mastuh Boston Rob and bossy (and allegedly stinky) Roger.

What happens next is anyone's guess: You know Burton and Michelle will vote for one another, ditto Lil and Nerd Ryan will vote for each other...but will Nicole vote for one of them or has she forged an alliance with Trish or Michelle? I think Trish votes back Michelle. It will be interesting to see what tribe they're sent to--I think they'd all benefit from being sent to the other tribe. The Morgans are pretty weak, but Nerd Ryan might stand a chance under Rupert's massive wing--and he weighs more than Jon. Burton and Michelle would both fit in nicely with Morgan. Michelle didn't really offend anyone--I think she has the best potential of going far in the game. Trish is persona non-grata with Rupert, which hurts her after a merge: The Morgans like him. I don't see people WANTING Burton to have another shot, he's the athletic guy you want to get rid of eventually anyway, why get him another shot? So do you lobby for your self and then vote for someone you think you can beat?? I'm baffled. It's a tough row to hoe no matter how you slice it--can't imagine any of the outcasts making it to the Final Four, but both tribes need to not alienate their new member because they DO need them if there's a merge. Is there a merge?? Because the next person voted out is STILL a 10th place finisher (the way I'm accounting for the twist, as there will be 9 people left), and therefore a non-juror...it's still unclear. What is CLEAR, is Mark Burnett will keep changing things around and screwing up my little handmade Survivor chart. You know, they don't change the rules every Super Bowl, and people keep watching that..ahem. Anyway: If no merge, Drake ousts Jon, Morgan ousts Darrah. If there's a merge, Drake targets Andrew as a threat...Morgan is to hungry to target Rupert so they get rid of Jon. Peace Out!

Christine :D