Survivor 7.9 Rupernational House of Pancakes

Uh, so I was unaware of the Great Cincinnati Conspiracy Theory until my sister gave me the 411! it turns out that, for whatever reason, Survivor's absolute strongest market in the US is Cincinnati, Ohio. So this year, Mark Burnett made a point of praising the fact that they had finally cast someone from that city to take part in Survivor: Pearl Islands, and that person is Lillian the Pout Master. Yeah, and isn't it convenient that she gets the boot, only to return in a highly controversial and convenient twist!? That's right people, Lil's back in the game cuz that's the way The Man wants it to be.

I HATE LIL

Morning at Balboa and Lil feels GREAT! "Wuhl, I have to say it's like night and day. I've turned on my Morgan tribe--wuhl, don't criticize me everybody! I had no choice, they would have voted me ouuuut soon as they had a chance! They would have said, "Oh, Lil you've got great work ethics (sic, that's how she says it) and you're a real nice lady but see ya around!" See, I doubt they'd be calling you a nice lady at this point Lil, and I SINCERELY doubt that anyone would really want to see you around. She goes on, "Usually, I have regrets stabbing someone in the back [yes, she actually said this] but THIS time, wuhl, I felt like I stood up for myself! I'm no longer the Cincinnati Workhorse--I'm just Lil, and it's real nice." Agh, I can't stand the SIGHT of her. Then she goes to suck up to Rupert, "I have blossomed more in the last two days with just a huuuug? Or a kind word? You know, they used to BEAT me at Morgan! So, whatever you decide, Dad--I mean, Rupert. I'm with the team." Of course Rupert eats it up, she's not only acknowledging his authority over the tribe, she's also feeding his need to be The Protector. He says, "Lil, if yeh ken win thet immunity, I'll put a Drake out before yeh." Lil kicks the dirt, "Aw, shucks, Rupert...you don't reeeeeally mean that...do you?" And the All Powerful Rupert insists, "Don't put yerself down, Lil. You brought down Savage--you're a LION!" Gag me. So, Lil turned on Morgan because she knew they'd vote her out in 5th place, and now she's trembling with excited over the possibility that if she were to win immunity, Rupert would ALLOW her to get to 5th place over Burton. Yeah, she's that stupid. Not only has she NOT traded up, she's acting like Rupert's being magnanimous. Uh, Lil, if you win immunity and there are only Drakes left then he HAS to take you over a Drake. AGH! Dumb People!

ALL HAIL KING RUPERT

Meanwhile, Rhino isn't happy because he knows he's next on the chopping block, "Lil turned on Morgan because she was mad at Andrew." Well, and the rest of you , Ryan. He tries to lobby Burton, insisting that Rupert must feel threatened by Burton. He wonders how tight he is with Lil and Burton hedges, "Uh, well, we aren't FRIENDS or anything, it's more like we're the only ones who know what it feels like to be voted out, that's all." Ryan floats the idea of he, Tijuana, and Darrah joining Burton and Lil and getting rid of Drake. Burton is tempted--the concept of ousting the people who voted against him is very tempting. Burton, Ryan, Lil and Rupert go fishing, and Burton skewers a stingray which turns out to be electric. Everyone has fun getting shocked by putting their fingers in the orifices of the dying animal--hey, remember, they don't have TV. Then they all have fun eating it and making puns about how it tastes "shockingly good," and so on. Tijuana raves, "It is sooo much better to be eating than to be starving to death, as we were at Morgan. I mean, Rupert and Burton are actually COMPETENT fishermen!" Rupert smiles, "I am The Provider--and I like that feeling. I like being able to feed people, and control people and decide their destinies." I don't WANT to turn against Rupert, and I still feel he's a fundamentally good guy, but he's REALLY getting to big for his britches and NO, that's not a fat joke, Rupe. Rupert is reaching that point where he believes that this is HIS game, and that anyone else's attempts to win it themselves are personal attacks against him. He's also not afraid to be seen as the leader because I honestly don't think Rupert thinks that anyone can actually beat him at anything! And maybe they can't, but still! "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." [Proverbs 16:18] Not trying to get all Joanna on you guys, but I'm just saying if he were smart, he'd check himself. Hallelujaaaaaaah! ;)

OOH, BIG SURPRISE: RUPERT WINS AGAIN! AND THEN GIVES AWAY HIS REWARD!

Sigh. Okay, Reward challenge. It's the first individual reward challenge for Balboa, and this one is for a breakfast buffet with pancakes, bacon, eggs---well you've had breakfast before! As usual, Jeff asks rhetorically, "Worth playing for?" It'd be funny if one day everyone was like, "Meh, not really," and went home. In this game, everyone uses a slingshot to break target-plates which trigger a fire. Jon messes up and is DQ'd and Jeff quips (alluding to his throwing the wrestling/checkers game) "One more challenge that Jon can't finish." Heh heh. I love that Jeff hates Jon as much as I do. Since Lil is now "blossoming," we have to suffer through her endless mugging as she thanks God any time she hits a target and acts like it's oh so surprising that one as humble as she could succeed in anything, BLEH. Of course, Rupert wins, and OF COURSE when he's given the chance to give it to someone else HE DOES. I don't think it's ever wise to give up a reward--it doesn't seem "nice" it seems arrogant, like "I don't need it, there will be others." But he gives it to Burton since Burton gave him immunity and Burton chooses (as Rupert requested) Lil to come along, "Whaaaa---Meeeee!?" Shut the BLEEP up, Lil.

FRATMAN AND ROBIN

Burton and Jon conspire to break up Rupert and his women. They know there's no way to separate the three, and they know that getting rid of Rupert gives everyone a better shot at the million dollars. Burton tells us that he wants an Outcast to win--no one else does, dude. I swear I will never fully recover if one of the losers they let back in goes all the way. It's blasphemy. Jon is pleased that Burton has come to him, "I'm a dastardly, deceitful little punk so Burt was smart to come to me with his plan. It's funny that he's now my strongest ally since I played such a huge role in his getting kicked out in the first place. Irony really does play a huge part in this game." So does stupidity.

LUCKY LOSERS TEAM MEETING, PART ONE

Burton and Lil, who didn't really earn a spot in the Final Nine, head out for their unearned breakfast reward. Burton tells Lil, "Rupert, Sandra and Christa are really tight and we can't separate them--they'll take each other to the very end." Lil nods, "Wuhl, so then...we have to get rid of one of them?" "We have to get rid of all THREE of them, Lil--you DO know what FINAL TWO means, right?" Lil tells us, "Wuhl, this breakfast is important to me because I need hear from Burton what's going on and what he expects me to do. I need my orders. I'm gonna do whatever this young man tells me to do." Seriously, have some self-respect, Lil. They arrive at the feast and it's the usual Survivor Gushing Tribune to Ordinary Food, "Pancakes!? Bacon!? Bread!!!? I didn't know they still MADE bread! We haven't seen these in THREE WHOLE WEEKS! Lil doesn't drink--and apparently has never been to the movies nor watched TV because she seems under the impression that Burton invented shaking up a champagne bottle so it will explode upon opening, "What's gonna haaaapen?" she frets as she hides behind him. I can't believe even 8-year-olds would respect and follow this woman. Then Burton begins imparting. He tells her they have to get rid of Rupert at the next possible turn, and if he gets immunity they need to take out Christa. If they get rid of Sandra or Christa, Rupert will be scrambling to get new allies. When Burton instructs Lil to tell Rupert that she's on their side and eager to vote however they do, Lil pouts, "See, now, it's starting to be like lying, and I'm gonna have a problem with that." Burton frowns and Lil, fearful that she may have angered her latest Daddy replacement, insists she can go through with it, 'I know, I know. I'm actually a two-faced bitch, but I have to sound like I have a problem with lying when I'm wearing the sacred uniform of the Boy Scouts of America!" I'm thinking Lil's real father didn't have a son so Lil is now a Boy Scout to prove she's just as good as any boy? I mean, really, why not a Girl Scout? I'm pretty "liberated" and I was a Campfire girl--there's no shame in it! I mean, no offense to any female Boy Scouts who may be reading this but...What the Hell? Lil is seriously an affront to all women, pouting around waiting for some man to tell her she's worthy so that she can then follow them around like a dog and do as they command. She reminds me a little of Thailand's Helen, who you'd think as a Navy swim instructor might have some leadership skills and a backbone, and instead she just accepted Porn Star Brian as her Commanding Officer and Aye Sir'd herself into 4th place. I'll bet Helen wakes up in the middle of the night screaming about how she and Jan didn't bother to touch base with one another before that vote. Which leads us to:

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON-STAR

Yes, as we gear up for next February and the Debut of Survivor: All Stars, I thought it would be nice to catch up with those who don't stand a chance at being asked back for such a big event. Tonight's guest is Old Drunken Jan from Survivor: Thailand...

Me: Hello Jan, thanks for talking with us this week.

Old Drunken Jan: Why, thanks for having me, sweetie.

M: So Jan, first of all, sorry that you won't be on the All Star show--

ODJ: What makes you so sure, honey? Nuthin's been officially announced, y'know.

M: Er, well...yes. That's true but...you can't REALLY think you fall into the category of "memorable contestant", can you?

ODJ: Well why not, missy? I was in the Final Three of Survivor Thailand. Seems to me they should just take the Final 3's of each season, maybe some fours or fives to make up for people who don't wanna go--

M: You weren't in the Final 3, Jan.

ODJ: Why, yes I was. Check on that there chart of yours! Go on, I'll wait.

M: (laughing) Oh, okay, Jan, I'll indulge you. It says right here that you....what the! You finished THIRD!? How did that happen, all you did was get drunk, get hurt and cry all the time!

ODJ: That was my strategy--and I DID pick the team, remember? Well, except for Clay--he was a leftover.

M: Speaking of Clay, do you ever regret not consulting with Helen about the fact that Brian and Clay played you two and told both of you to vote against each other and had you voted TOGETHER you could have at least forced a tie-breaker and been in the Final Three together?

ODJ: I'll have you know that I was giving a eulogy for a very special dead bat baby that day, so I was unable to meet with Helen. It was a scheduling thing!

M: Heh, oh right, the Baby Bat thing. Good times. I had this running gag in my reviews of that season, where I referenced that Chili's commercial? You know, Chili's Baby Back Ribs? Only instead of Baby Back Ribs, I'd sing Baby Bat Thing---

ODJ: Don't you say anything bad about Oliver! I'll cut ya! Those dead baby bats were my cheeeeeelren!

M: Jan, to quote Jeff Probst, are you loaded?

ODJ: *hic* You're pretty.

M: Ahem, well uh, that concludes this week's Interview with a Survivor Non-Star. If there's anyone you'd like to hear from--who doesn't stand a CHANCE at being brought back for the All Star season, please email me and maybe we can book them.

PICK A LITTLE, TALK A LITTLE

Sandra and Christa wash each other's hair--it's not nearly as creepy and homoerotic as when Jenna and Heidi did it last season. Okay...it's a little creepy. Despite everyone's belief that they are inseparable from Rupert, they are wondering how they can bring about his ouster. Can they use the other women to get rid of Burton and Rupert? And if so, who the hell is gonna catch any fish? Christa shrugs to the camera, "Hey man, I know you all love Rupert, but he's big and strong and I want to win a million dollars too, okay? It's not like I feel good about it." They go out on some sort of hunting expedition with Darrah and Tijuana--and we're not shown what happens. It leads me to believe the girls are Richard Hatch-ing a plot. Tijuana muses, "Sandra and Christa are always saying things like, "we have to learn how to fish, or survive without fish if one of the men "gets hurt," Tijuana properly employs sarcastic quote fingers, "I think Darrah and me would be at an advantage because we already know how to get by without eating fish--we're from Morgan."

LUCKY LOSER TEAM MEETING, PART TWO

Burton tells Lil that they could be the Final Three with Jon, a horror to intense for me to encapsulate with the benign title of "worst case scenario." Lil whimpers, "You'd better hand feed me, real easy. I'm just a woman, after all." Burton gives her his "scout's honor" that he'll keep her in the game as long as he can. He also tells her that their official story for what went on at Breakfast Island is she droned on about the Boy Scouts and he fell asleep. She replies, "Don't make me ouuut to be a bitch, just say I was dumb broad." The terms are not mutually exclusive, Lil.

THE USUAL NONSENSE ABOUT CHORES

The Drakes work and work, while the Morgan's lay around giggling. Rupert complains to Christa about it, who complains to us, "Like, the Morgan's are just lazy, man. Unmotivated and chatty--that's not what Drake's about, man. And I know we're supposed to be like, Balboa now? But c'mon, seriously, who are we kidding with that?" Tijuana complains in turn, "They work too hard here. It's like, everyone has to be doing something all the time. At Morgan, I was free to be myself! I mean, yeah I was starving and cold because we were all too lazy to learn how to use the spear or build a decent shelter but when we weren't passed out from hunger we laughed A LOT." Lil walks by dragging a log of fire wood and pouts, "Now I know what Jesus felt like." Yes, she REALLY said that.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

a revealing quiz
you can hide your alliance
but not your bias

So, it's quiz time. Every contestant has a tray with five slots, and a bunch of painted coconuts. When you get a question right, you get to put a coconut in someone's tray and when their try is filled, they're out. This is the type of game that reveals who people are out to get--or at least who they're threatened by. It was this type of game that undid the Smugglies when John and his minions unintentionally told Neleh and Pappy that they'd be out right after Kath, Vecepia and Shawn. This one wasn't nearly as dramatic, though some interesting things came out of it. Ryan, who really really needs immunity, is knocked out first--largely by Tijuana who may just be watching her own back. If Ryan wins Immunity, she's most likely next in the Morgan pecking order. But, it could also signal a secret girl alliance. More on that after Tribal Council. Lil gives Ryan a coconut and winces as though she's just, oh, all torn up about it, gag me with merit badge. Jon targets Darrah, probably because of her major dis of him during the gross shake challenge when she said he'd never have a shot at dating her. The contest is actually pretty good-natured, particularly between Tijuana and Burton, who seem genuinely amused as they battle to oust one another. Lil also guns for Burton, overselling their not-so-secret alliance, "This is because when we had that breakfast, I did aaaaall the talking and this guy just sat there and...uh...nodded. That's right, isn't it Burton?" The most amazing thing is that NO ONE guns for Rupert. When Sandra FINALLY gives him one measly coconut, he growls at her, "Sandra, what are you doing?" He's playful, but it really was like, if you try to get Rupert out then you're a BAD PERSON. Christa takes a dive on the last question so that Rupert can win, and it's like everyone did their job, they're all good kids, they honored Rupert the Sacred Cow--no, Rupe, again not a fat joke. Just an observation that in MY day, really good Survivor contestants used to worry about being "targets" and went out of their way not to win EVERYTHING. And not to act entitled to the stuff they did win. I hate to compare Rupert, whom I like and respect, to Johnny Pots and Pans from the Marquesas, whom I loathe, but Rupert seems under the delusion that most of his tribemates are ROOTING for him to win the game. And that's crazy. And dangerous.

SHENANIGANS

Ryan O. knows he's pretty much doomed unless he can disturb the universe enough to get people to shake up the game. This is one of those times, however, when it benefits everyone to just let him take the hit. Darrah and Tijuana are outnumbered whether he stays or goes, so they're better off cutting their losses and trying to cultivate NEW alliances. Survivor is a harsh mistress. On the way back to camp, Rupert holds court with the ladies while the other men sulk. Jon and Rupert go fishing, and discuss Rhino's attempts to sway Burton. Rupert raves, "I tol' Burton, if he crosses me, I'll kill 'em." And he has that Lex-vibe to him, like maybe he means it? "He said, "oh, no no no, thet's why I gave you thet immunity!" Jon insists, 'He means it, too." That seemed like a bit of an oversell too, like why would Jon vouch for Burton? Rupert is looking forward to ousting Ryan, who he sees as "The leader o' the weak." He worries, "Rhino has the potential to bond together with Tijuana, Darrah and Burton and Jon against me, Sandra, Christa and Lil. I hope that doesn't happen." If he thinks that threat ends by getting rid of Rhino "the leader," he'd best think again. Jon and Christa do some plotting of their own. Christa wants Burton gone before Rupert which of course Jon doesn't because he has a super secret bond with Burton. He spins, "Rhino's the least trustworthy person out here--why not just get rid of him? Why roll the dice and give him chance to get a foothold in the game?" Christa seems surprised at Jon's assessment of Ryan, but doesn't argue either. Again, since there's no reason to rock the boat at this point, and Ryan's ouster benefits everyone (it makes Tijuana and Darrah more dependent on she and Sandra, for example) why over-play the game here? Why defy His Highness when Rupert has decreed that Ryan should go? Christa is confused about her place in the game, but feels she hasn't actually promised anyone anything, so she hasn't really lied yet. Burton talks to Jon and Christa, mocking Ryan's attempts to pull him into an alliance, "Ryan keeps saying, they voted you out before, and they're all really threatened by your killer physique and keen intellect--those are his words, mind you. And I was all, sheeyeah right! Like they'd really stab me in the back AGAIN?" Christa laughs nervously.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Lil once again to tell everyone how much she prefers being in Balboa to being in Morgan, "Wuhl, it's great for meeeee. I feel like a new person, I feel myself laughing more and I love it! I me I me I me I me I me I me me me ME!" Jeff nods condescendingly, "That's terrific, Lil. Christa, would you like to mouth off about who's not working around camp?" "Hey, thanks man, I really would. Dude, like, are you reading my MIND? Anyways, it's like, Tijuana and Darrah are like, really lazy and it's a total drag because like, I don't want to tell anyone what to do--I'm not about that, man. Being bossy is like, a real bringdown, you know?" Darrah rebuts, "Et Morgan, we lahk, we wuhd sit aroun' en laugh en whatnot en then we'd all get up at once and lahk, get enough fahrwood fer lahk three days. We don' hef tuh git it ever fahv minutes. I know I hef to git fahrwood an' I'll git fahrwood when I wanna git fahrwood!" I could be REALLY wrong about this, but I think a secret girl alliance is afoot and this was all for show. Rupert falls for it, fretting about disharmony in his fiefdom and insisting, "Hey now, we all need tuh improve. We cain't be pickin' on each other, okay?" Jeff asks Burton to elaborate on the tension and he shrugs, "Well, there are more Drakes then there are Morgans--I guess that would have a lot to do with it." Jeff grimaces, "Well, that was the most boring Tribal Council ever, what's say we vote?"

Ryan O. aka Rhino is ousted almost unanimously--Tijuana and Darrah choose to vote him out. He votes for Christa saying, "I didn't like you before, I don't like now. Plain and simple, you're a bitch." Huh. I think we missed something, and CBS.com adds more intrigue. Here's what Tijuana and Christa had to say:

Tijuana: "Rhino, this vote goes to you. I told you when I first met you that I don't know if I should trust you or not. And I was right on. And you betrayed me and our alliance. That alliance could have gotten you further in the game but you chose not to. In the end, I am sending this vote with a big smile, in the hope that you're gone from (myself?). On a personal level, you're a great guy and you've made me laugh. And I was glad to get to know you."

Christa: You're the weirdest, most disrespectful guy I've ever met. You're so negative."

So clearly, we are NOT being shown a lot of the scheming, nor were we shown what weirdness went on between Ryan and Christa. I don't MIND being in the dark, mind you, but I;d much rather see Ryan and Christa irritate each other than listen to Lil whine, which took up about 50% of this episode.

Rhino joins fellow first jurors: Weird Greg, Powerful Alicia, Framed Kelly, Crying John (hee hee), Buxom Erin who my twin sister can't even remember existed despite these lengthy reviews, and Rocket Scientist Dave. Rhino pathetically makes a big deal about getting his revenge on the jury--you still gotta vote for someone, dude. Next week: Tijuana goes if Drake holds firm, but I think the Secret Girl Alliance goes into effect to down Burton or Rupert--though they might doom themselves if they spill to wannabe boy, Lil. I don't WANT Rupert to lose, but it would be nice to see him get nervous enough to perhaps realize he isn't master and commander of the whole dang game and maybe dial ii back a little. One can only hope. I do think the girls would be smart to hang together--they might not even have to make a move this week since the guys seem so consumed with taking out each other, and aren't paying them much mind. This has been a great season and though precedent calls for a male winner (we have alternated guy-girl every season), I'd hate this to be like Thailand where the girls all do what the men tell them to do until they get the boot.

Peace Out! Christine :D