Survivor 7.8 Be Prepared (For Lil to annoy you)

First of all, some of you don't actually watch the show, and because I want you to appreciate my Lil-hate, I want you to go to a mirror immediately and do this: bring both corners of your mouth as FAR down as they can possibly go, while at the same time bringing your eyebrows as close together AND as far up as they can possibly go. That's how Pout Master Lillian looks ALL THE TIME. And that's whay she's annoying. And if she DOESN'T annoy you, then I want the name of your drug dealer.

FIRST EVER LOSER TRIBAL COUNCIL

We pick up at last week's cliffhanger, with Jeff welcoming the six previously ousted losers into their own super special reject Tribal Council. Jeff is just tickled with the very AUDACITY of it all, "Wow, this is a FIRST! A Tribe EXCITED to come to Tribal Council...well...I guess Drake was pretty excited to dump you, Burton, but STILL! This is GREAT TELEVISION. I bet we get a "Cheer" in TV Guide!" Jeff asks all of them how excited they are to get "revenge" and to plead their "case" for why they should go back in to the game. They all foam at the mouth about how they was done wrong, blah blah bleh and if you vote me in, I'll show 'em, I'll represent for The Outcasts! The only one I really liked was Nerd Ryan, and even with him, I'm sorry but the game is ABOUT rejection and politics and getting screwed over, quit whining. Is it CALLED "Second Chance?" "Raised from the Dead?" "Crybaby Loser Fest?" NO, it's "Survivor." Sigh. Everyone gets to cast two votes, and they can't vote for themselves. Burton and Pout Master Lil win. Lil grabs her heart, in shock that people would choose little ol' her, gag me. Jeff re-lights their torches and lets Lil randomly pulls an Orange Morgan buff out of a can, meaning she and Burton are rejoining their old tribes. Lil pouts, "Ohhhh, I wanted back in the game but I didn't want to go back to Mooooorgan!" Well you are.

HOME TO ROOST

Sandra is, for some reason, terrified of Burton's return. It's not like he's actually gonna kill you, Sandra. She's pulling for Nerd Ryan or Lil (people who don't KNOW Lil seem to really like her), and of course, its Burton who comes strolling into camp while they sleep. Actually, he kind of scampers in because there's this scary electric storm going on, and despite Sandra's fears, he doesn't lop anyone's head off with a machete. Everyone laughs and hugs and forgives in a "Survivor" kind of way, meaning no one is sure if they really mean it, but for now, Drake is united and strong. Sorta.

Of course at Morgan, no one's sleeping. Drake stole their sleep after they lost the last reward challenge. Lil is greeted like an old friend, "We LOVE ya, Lil. Always said so, didn't we? You're family! Family we disowned, yes, but...er...we LOVE ya, Lil!" Lil pouts, "Wuhl, I'm, I'm gonna Tryyyy again, to make you all PROUD of me...like I did before, when you voted me out." To the camera, Lil mocks everyone's attempts at friendship--I guess they were supposed to throw themselves at her feet, "Lil! You worked SO hard and we didn't appreciate you and we suffered so much without you and we DESERVED to!" Get over yourself, Pout Master! Lil's downer demeanor weighs on the others as they keep telling her how glad they are to have her back, and Lil finally whimpers, "Wull, I appreeeeeciate that, but YOU guys voted me OUT last time and I never felt like fit in!" The awkward silence that follows continues into the next morning...

BURYING THE HATCHET

Rupert awakens and takes Burton aside for a private word. He wants to get things straight about his part in Burton's ouster (Rupert wasn't THERE for the vote, but he did reluctantly agree to sit out the Immunity Challenge). Rupert tells Burton, "I heard you guys [The Frat Bats, Burton and Shawn] makin' fun uh me. Yeh laughed at me in my dress an' hurt my feelins. You called me a big kid in a sandbox--you took the role that every jock in my life took. I was beneath yeh." Rupert confides to us, "I portray a strong an' independent person, but in my head, I'm still that scared little fat kid that was picked on and put down all a' his life." And YET, doesn't go around pouting all the time. Interesting. Burton was of course oblivious to how his casual meanness was affecting Rupert, "I never really think about how other people feel. But I felt bad when Rupert said those things to me, so I apologized and that made me feel better." They shake hands and Rupert tells Burton that even if he didn't have automatic immunity this week, the vote would go against Jonny Fairplay anyway. Burton is pleasantly surprised. There's a stiffness to Burton that reminds me of Rock Hudson--you know, how he always played these rugged ranchers or pilots with a kind of formality? I dunno. Not thrilled to have Burton back, but he IS less of a braying bully than Shawn, plus he's better looking, so I agree with Rupert--Drake has traded up.

ANDREWLOO

Morning at Morgan, and naturally, everything sucks. Lil slides into her usual spot of being the water martyr. Not to say it isn't good of her to gather wood and water for the tribe, but if she had any real understanding of what went wrong last time, she would have waited for someone else to wake up so she start bonding. But that's not what the Pout Master is about. Lil WANTS to be the only one getting water and she needs to be miserable and alone and disappointed in everyone around her because it suits the perpetually sour expression on her face. That being said, if you're a Morgan, you have to suck it up and keep welcoming Lil and yeah, painful as it might be you should apologize. You should tell her how hard she worked, you should run down Osten and say "He just quit--you never would have quit, Lil. You're the hardest worker EVER!" Okay, that's an over-sell, but Lil might fall for it. Point is, Lil's their pivotal 5th member and if you alienate her, she's becomes the 6th Drake.

But Andrew's too pig-headed and hacked off to do any of that. He's so bought into the "I'm the leader" thing that he takes the return of someone HE eliminated as an affront to his authority. I think in Andrew's World, the only acceptable option the Outcasts had was to decline the chance to return to the game, "Thanks Jeff, but I was voted out fair and square, and I'm gonna have to defer to the judgment of my tribe and go home." I mean, I hate the twist with a passion but I don't blame any of the losers for taking it. But instead of trying to build up Lil, Andrew chooses to complain to her, "You have a bye this week--we CAN'T vote you out even though we'd LIKE to, so one of the Fantastic Four is going home--I hope you're happy. We worked SO hard to win those challenges and go in 5 on 5 into the merge that we all claimed not to be expecting but we really were and instead we get THIS and by THIS I mean You and we're all like, what the hell? Even your buff...look at it, it's all fresh and clean. My buff is old and stinky." Lil just blinks, which is about as good a response as any to Andrew bizarre decision to try to make her feel sorry for his having to take her back. Then she pouts to us, "I have a second chance at the gaaaame...and I THINK they resent me for it!" Just add them to your list, Lil. You know Lil has "a list." Andrew tells us, "I woke up really angry today--I'm not sure if you could tell. I had to pinch myself--it's Day 20, why the hell is Lil still here!?" Agreed, but DUDE, be the leader you claim to be and DEAL with it. Also, Morgan's down to their last serving of rice and they don't have a Texan state flag to trade Jeff for more...

IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, AND YOU'RE ON SURVIVOR, EAT THEM

Drake is excited about an orange they find, but it turns out to be a lemon but they're staving off scurvy so they eat it anyway. You know where you won't get a lemon? Toyota of Orange. Burton is stoked about the new lemon tree, and goes off on a fruit-finding safari. Jon is left behind to cook and he claims to need help so Sandra agrees to stay. Christa, Burton and Rupert chuckle about Jon's paranoia--they're all against him anyway. Christa drawls, "Dudes, like, I have this philosophy man, that we all have to be truthful to one another and Jon keeps lying, man." Burton agrees, "I'm a changed man, Christa. I've learned a lot since I was voted out and if we keep lying to each other, Morgan's gonna win this thing!" Rupert is confident that the Morgan's don't like Jonny anymore than they do but Burton reminds him of the numbers game if there's a merge, "Rupert, they might hate him, but that's not gonna stop them from taking him if they can use him to get rid of us!" Christa seems stoked that Burton has the same understanding of the situation as she does.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

it's not surprising
for the merge to happen here
but we'll say it is

The tribes meet at the Challenge beach and Jeff says, "Take a moment to look at the new tribes," for the 50 thousandth time this season. Then he asks Sandra, "What are your food issues over at Drake?" Sandra laughs at the very IDEA, "Issues? There aren't any unless you count on how hard it is to decide between catfish or bass, and whether to put on the spices we won in that challenge or just douse it in juice from our lemon tree, and then you have to pick between soup or salad, and then between french fries, mashed potatoes or cole slaw...is that what you mean?" Jeff turns to Andrew for the Morgan sit rep. Andrew replies mournfully, "First off, I think we'd have just as much food if they hadn't taken our tarp. But we're living of muscles and coconuts. And I don't mean the mussels that are in the ocean, I mean that are bodies are cannibalizing themselves so that we can survive." Jeff chuckles, "That's awesome, Andrew. Your suffering has been the perfect contrast to Drake's prosperity--it's been GREAT television. Amazing Race may have the freaking Emmy, but we've got the best TWISTS, and the BEST contrasts between tribes. Not that they have tribes on The Amazing Race but...you know what I'm saying, thanks for being so incompetent. Are you guys expecting a merge this week to bail you out!? That would be PRETTY STUPID considering the BIG TWIST we threw at you last time, huh? So are you? Stupid enough to think the merge would come now just because it always comes when there are ten people left in the game?" Everyone is adamant in their "NO Way's," and then Jeff cackles, "Well PSYCHE!! Take off your buffs because you are now ONE TRIBE! HAH! Fooled you AGAIN!!" Whatever, dude. The new tribe color is black, and Andrew seems very taken with his fresh and clean new buff, which he sniffs in a sort of creepy way.

Jeff takes away The Skull-on-an-axe Immunity idol and unveils the Individual Immunity "necklace" for this season, which is a kick-ass pirate cutlass. Not happy with the twist, but the motif, and the contestants, continue to please. The challenge for today is a "keelhaul" swimming relay where everyone has to pull themselves under a dock on a rope and stay under water the whole time, pop up, run a tiny bit, back into the water, do it again. It's hard, and requires good swimming skills and stamina. The final four in the competition are Rupert, Jon, Burton and Rhino, and Burton wins. Then everyone wins when Jeff declares that they indeed have a huge "Merge Banquet" waiting for them at Drake's beach, where the new tribe will live.

THE BALBOA THE SNAKE MEMORIAL TRIBE

The new tribe is named Balboa, in honor of Rupert's snake who was named in honor of the guy who discovered the Pacific Ocean, or maybe Drake named the snake after the Panamanian money which they spend do much more wisely than Morgan on the first day of the game. At any rate, the tribe is now Balboa. Everyone has a great time at the feast, eating lamb and drinking beer and wine. Andrew declares, "That food was...heaven. My morale is WAY up. I finally feel like I may just make it out of this place." Andrew, I can guaran-damn-tee that you will make it out this place TONIGHT. Because when he gathers his tribe to pick their teeth and speculate who they're gunning for (Jon, NOT Rupert), he doesn't bother to include Lil on the meeting. She's off telling Evil Jonny Not Funny about how isolated she feels, "If I didn't have immunity, they'd vote me ouuut TONIGHT if they could." Jon reports back to Rupert and Burton takes Lil aside and tries to sell her on the idea of voting with Drake. At the Outcast Loser Tribal Council, he vowed that he would never lie to whichever Outcast Loser came back into the game, but even so, Lil's worried, "Are you suuuure," she whimpers. Eventually, even the dense morons of Morgan realize that Lil is spending a lot of time talking to Burton, and they've yet to bother to speak to her since the Merge. Andrew approaches Lil on the beach, all stern and disapproving father-figure, "Are you voting with US? Your tribe, the Morgan tribe? It's kinda important." The Pout Master does what she does best, "Oh, do you reeeeally WANT me? You guys are ready to vote me ouuut." Again, Andrew could at least TRY to PRETEND not to be irritated to distraction here, but he's distracted and instead gets adversarial, telling Lil that she's being naive by thinking that Drake won't dispose of her as soon as she's outlived her usefulness. At this point, Rupert happens upon them and stands behind Andrew (who doesn't see him) and starts shaking his head at Andrew's words and nodding his approval when Lil questions Andrews sincerity. In other words, Lil has a new father-figure to try to please. She also gets to throw Andrew's slight back in his face when he asks her to give him the heads-up he failed to give her when she was booted (she'll be talking about that one at the retirement home). She reminds him, "Do you rememberrrr? When I ASKED YOU to get back to me? And you never did?" "Oh, crap," Andrew sighs.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks everyone about the Merge, and Jon grins evilly as Tijuana tries to remain upbeat about her chances in the game. Don't think for a moment that my blinding hate for Lil has made me forget about my all-consuming hate for Jon--I got all my other senses for that. Lil tips her hand when she enthuses, "I'm thrilled with the Merge, it means I have a larger family. Hmmph." Rhino is his usual nice guy self when he claims that no one knows anybody well enough to want to write their name down and the bonding-banquet makes tonight's vote difficult on everyone, and Christa seems to like the cut of Rhino's jib, I'm just saying. Jeff reminds everyone that Lil and Burton are immune, and then asks Burton if he wants to give his assignable Immunity, the cutlass, to anyone else, and he gives it to Rupert as a good will gesture. Technically, that means Jenna is no longer the only person to give up Immunity, but since Burton is still safe, it doesn't carry the same weight. Onto the vote: Jon swaggers up and does an impression of Macho Man Randy Savage, in honor of Andrew's last name which is also Savage. Jon seems to take great pleasure in seeing his name come up, though it was nice to see his smile disappear when it cam up the fourth time. Lil does indeed join Drake and Andrew becomes...sigh... he finishes in 10th place with Gretchen, Jeff, Clarence, Boston Rob, Shii Ann and Roger. I know I said Shawn and Osten did that last week but I think the way I'm gonna have to account for this in the future is say that Shawn and Osten were ousted in a week that never existed before in the game, and give Andrew his rightful 10th Place title. And I know no one cares about this crap but you read it anyway, so thanks. Lil looks all smug and vindicated as Andrew leaves, like she's the ONLY person whoever got voted out of Survivor. She is one of the only two people to ever be let back IN to Survivor, you think she could try to look happy to be there.

Everyone else is now a juror, and it strikes me as a wise strategy to want to go into the Final Two with Burton or Lil because who on the jury BUT Burton or Lil would want an Outcast to win? I think Rhino is the SAFE bet for ouster, if Drake just starts to pick off the Morgans one by one. But for those who are about to start complaining about the predictability of that, remember that that scenario has only played out twice, in terrible, terrible Thailand and even in the first season and even then, The Evil Alliance was actually eager to replace tribemate Kelly with Colleen but Kelly kept winning Immunity when she need it. In Australia, Jerri and Amber were ousted by their own tribe in favor of Elisabeth and Rodger, in Africa, Kelly was booted by a paranoid Lex, In the Marquesas, the "doomed tribe" wound up with its own Vecepia as the winner because the "strong tribe" tore itself apart and last season there were so many shifts of power and alliance that you almost forgot the whole girls v. guys conceit that had started the show. So take heart, and remember, a strong Drake means hope for Rupert winning this thing. CBS is advertising that Rupert is in danger, which leads me to think he's safe but *gulp* you never know. The four remaining Morgan votes are now a weapon just waiting to be picked up and flung at an unsuspecting Drake, but I still think that even Jon is smart enough to wait at least one more week to try anything. If you oust Rupert next week, Morgan is then tied with Drake again at 4-4 and you've lost this week's advantage.

Peace Out :D