7.10 Oh Captain, My Captain! Why did you have to be SO DUMB!?

Yep, Rupert's gone, and I know many of you are heartbroken, but me? I'm just ticked off because he did it to himself. He was too into "Drake," he was too into being the baddest Survivor that ever played the game (he actually stunk at it) and hopefully his legacy won't be giving the most pathetic, childish and embarrassing exit speech in the history of Survivor. But if it is, that too is all on the big man himself. We were counting on you, Rupert! If you're a big time Rupert lover, and can't stand to hear a bad word said against him, you may want to skip this review, because I really let him have it. But know my anger stems from my love for the man, and my disappointment in his feet of clay.

THINK OF LAURA

Night time at Balboa, and Rupert can't sleep. "Night time is my one bad time--if I could go 39 days without havin' teh sleep, I'd make this beautiful but night is killin' me." Rupert goes off to the water (aren't you supposed to avoid being in water during an electrical storm?) and talks to his wife, Laura. "I want ever'one teh see I'm the best damn Survivor player there's ever been. I am IT," he insists, then, "I know baby. I shouldn't think that way. I know. I hear ya baby." Does it make you more crazy or less crazy if the voices in your head are more reasonable than you are? He then "reveals" that Christa and Sandra are the only people on the island that he actually cares about--a fact that is VERY obvious to everyone else. I try to guide everything that happens on my island," he raves, "I try to direct everyone's actions. I'm not gonna settle, and the challenge for me is how to let everyone feel that they are finishing in a place o' honor so they feel like winners, even when they lose." It's Rupert's game, and everyone else is just playing in it. Which isn't a bad attitude to have necessarily, but as we will see, Rupert's grasp of the politics of his tribe is just too poor for someone trying to achieve "puppet master" status. And no one else in the game--even the wasting-away Darrah, are gonna settle either. Everyone in Survivor has a DUTY and a RIGHT to attempt to win the game. Even little punks like Jon. And this year, the ONE person who NO ONE can beat in the Final Two is Rupert. And that puts a huge target on his back.

MOBY SHARK

Christa and Rupert are giggling in the morning, and Jonny not Funny seethes, "They make me sick with all their genuine affection for one another. I hate goodness!" He's jealous and rightfully threatened by the strong bond between Rupe, Christa and Sandra, "They definitely fit the old saying that absolute power corrupts absolutely," While I agree that the three have been unwise in making their alliance so obvious, they all seem to be working way to hard to be accused of corruption. They aren't laying about like Alex and company did, while Butch and Sir Matt do all the work. But they HAVE made it abundantly clear that they are planning on being 1-2-3, with everyone else behind them. Jon ain't going out like that. He and Burton go out into the woods to discuss strategy on how to break them up--Burton already has Lil ready to help, so they come up with the "brilliant" idea of going to doomed Tijuana and Darrah, who are basically sitting around WAITING for someone to make them a deal so they don't have to be sent home.

"Once again, Jonny Fairplay finds himself in a prime position--and talking in the third person. He can go with Plan A--the Drakes, or he can go with Plan B--Burton and the Morgan gals. I'm leaning towards Plan B because I'm really more concerned with making a splash then I am in being clever. If the bases are loaded, and everyone's telling me to bunt, screw that, I'm gonna go for the Grand Slam!" But...if there's only one out, and you only need one run to win the game, the percentages are better if you bunt. It is my fervent hope that Jon stays true to form and eventually overplays his hand.

Pelican Pete stands on the beach, reading the Balboa team flag, "It says Ryan O. on there, but I don't see him," he thinks to himself. Rupert goes off spear fishing, "I'd love it if I was a mean SOB and only caught fish for myself...but that's just not me, what can I say?" Yeah, uh, don't be so impressed with yourself, Rupe, even the evil Richard Hatch got food for everyone else. Sandra and Christa go off to get lemons: the three? Not a brain trust. They leave everyone who's not in their alliance to their own crafty devices. Burton: "Hey, do you guys want to join us and vote out Rupert so you guys don't have to leave?" Tijuana and Darrah: "Yeah, DUH!" Burton is calm and commanding as he explains the plan, while Jon keeps trying to interject. T and D already know the score, however, and it's hardly a tough sell. Lil tries to be a sly shill, "Wuhl, gee, I'd rather be 4 and 5 than 7 & 8, that's for sure." Shut up, LIL, like T &D don't know you're already tight with Burton. Darrah agrees to play the part of the doomed tribe member with a "nuthin' I can do attitude" which will hardly be a stretch for her. Everyone agrees that if Rupert wins immunity, the vote goes against Christa. Burton adds, "It's REALLY important that we stick together until all three of them are gone; don't heh, be thinking of any plans to join with the remaining two to get rid of me, heh heh." He also recalls that Tijuana and Darrah kept thanking him for coming to their rescue which, if it really happened, can't be sincere. I think Burton's out the next time he doesn't win Immunity (which, yeah, could be never but I'm just saying is all.)

And what is Rupert doing while this plan is being Hatched back at camp? He's off trying to catch a shark. He becomes completely obsessed and stalks the thing, "I love bein' the baddest hunter out there! I never give up, I never surrender and I never admit defeat. In fact, I don' even seriously acknowledge the possibility o' defeat."

QUID PRO UH OH

Time for another really complicated and long Reward Challenge! The clue comes in a kick ass little box that's shaped like a pirate ship. Ye another trinket I won't be able to afford when it comes up on EBAY. Burton boasts, "If the challenge is any type of physical contest, then I have a really good shot at it because...well, LOOK at me. Now look at everyone else. I'm sorry I made you do that, now look back at me--there, all better. But if I win, I'm gonna give my reward to Rupert since he gave me his breakfast last time, just to keep up the pretense that I'm still on his side." Rupert declares, "The deal between me and Burton is he'll give me his reward if he wins it, because I gave HIM my BREAKFAST. MY BACON, MY WONDERFUL BREAKFAST! And he promised to repay my noble sacrifice with one o' his own, and that will keep unity between us and harmony at Drake." Ugh, Rupert is becoming insufferable. He gave Burton his breakfast in a stupid, arrogant demonstration of his own power. He did it to demonstrate that he didn't NEED the reward, and he did it to help cement Burton to him. It was a tactical blunder on Rupert's part and now he's trying to out-martyr the Pout Master.

The Reward is deep-sea fishing, pizza and beer and a day trip on a catamaran for two. The Survivors are randomly paired up for an obstacle course on a fake ship that involves climbing, bell-ringing and eventually putting together a puzzle. Burton and Lil (fate keeps pushing them together) defeat Christa and Darrah, and Rupert and Jon defeat Sandra and Tijuana, despite Jon's screwing something up and having to go back to fix it. We get a lot of full-frontal Rupert, as he decided to go commando today. It doesn't help, as he and Jon are smoked by Burton and the surprisingly agile and sharp Lil (surprise! The helpless thing is an act!). Burton and Lil, who last time enjoyed a reward they didn't earn, are offered the chance to give this one away. Lil pouts, "Wuhl, sooooory guys, but I wanna keep it! Don't be maaaad." Sandra and Tijuana both sport bitter, knowing smiles and shake their heads. Burton gives HIS reward to...Jon, much to Rupert's chagrin. They head back to camp and Rupert huffs, "Well, THAT Reward Challenge wasn't as I had hoped!" Yeah, sometimes you lose, Rupert. Get a grip. Burton tells us, "Remember when I said I'd give my reward to Rupert? Like, an hour ago? I changed my mind. I want him hungry and weak for the Immunity Challenge." Not a bad strategy--and I'm sure he didn't want guilt-ridden Lil spending the day with anyone but his stooge, Jon.

BIG WHINY RUPERT

Rupert decides to let everyone know how frustrated he is by symbolically hacking away at a rotted coconut with an axe and muttering, "Rot and Death. Rot and Death! Last thing I ever give to Burton. Except a vote, heh heh, yeah, I may give him a couple votes." He not only feels betrayed by Burton, he's also disappointed in Lil's selfishness, "When they failed to pay homage to me, that showed me that I'm not as secure in this game as I think I am. Which is a useful epiphany which I'll choose to ignore later." This should be his wake-up call that Drake is DEAD, but instead of trying to include Darrah and Tijuana in a plot to oust Burton, he chooses to stick with the obsolete "Get rid of the Morgan's" plan. He refuses to adapt to the changing face of the game, he refuses to "zig or zag" as Rob C. might say. Burton is openly defying him, yet he still chooses to honor his Drakeness. That's not noble, that's dumb. Tijuana watches Rupert's coconut tantrum and shakes her head, murmuring to Darrah, "Rupert does deserve to go--even if we ARE living because of his provision."

KILL LIL, VOL. 1

Then, to make matters worse, The Pout Master has to try to make things right by Dad, whimpering, "I'm soooory. I shoulda sent yooooou. I asked them if I could still give it to you but they said noooo." Then she LITERALLY lays her head down on the tree branch he's using for a chopping block in a creepy sign of submission (sadly, he does not use his axe to lop it off). "I knooooow it's not right," she moans, "Everybody does." Yup. And Lil wants us to all feel bad for her feeling bad for something GOOD that she's gonna get to do, like that's gonna make it all balance out. Uh uh, Lil, we aren't as dysfunctional as you are! Sandra glares over at Lil, "What's done is done, bitch." Lil isn't finished. She then pleads her case to America, "I shoulda sent Rupert, Rupert should gooooh. Rupert woulda caught fish--I can't catch fish. I'm baaaaad at everything, just like Daddy always used to say. I don't wanna make people maaaad. I don't wanna make people upset," which is a shame, really, as those are things she DOES actually excel at. Then she goes in for the kill, "I don't get to GO on vacations--I can't afford that. So when I get a chance to sail on a beautiful boat, I take it. That's what I was thinking about when I said I'd keep the reward!" You know, I've been out on a catamaran before...Lake Berryessa. And I don't recall having to take out a bank loan to do so.

With Rupert Dad still angry and Burton Dad not around, Lil turns to Jon Dad (a deadbeat dad who shows up every fifth Thanksgiving to take you gambling, I'd imagine). "I'm such a bitch," she sniffles, waiting for the "Oh no, Lil, you could NEVER be a bitch," she counts on when making this "ridiculous" claim. Instead, Jon laughs, "Thank God!" And Lil burst into tears the way four-year-olds do when you tell them you're leaving the store and they aren't getting the candy bar. No, really. This is not a fully-developed woman, her emotional growth was stunted long ago, and this is only underscored by her standing there in a uniform associated with children. "Don't say that about God!" she wails, as though Jon might actually have the authority to make God an advocate of bitchiness. A bemused Jon (who's counting on her inner-backstabber to move him along in the game) there-there's her, and assures her that they WILL bring back fish to appease ANGRY DAD RUPERT. "Tijuana and Sandra were looking at me like I was scuuuuum," she continues. Welcome to Jon's world.

YET ANOTHER WAKE UP CALL FOR RUPERT TO IGNORE

Burton and Jon, who were so adamant in telling the girls that the plan was set and should no longer be discussed, decide to go off and hiss at each other about their til-the-end pact. both men feel that their previous shenanigans make it impossible for either to beat anyone but the other. "As long as we can get Lil to vote with us," Burton says, loud enough for an eavesdropping Sandra to hear. She reports back to Rupert, "Jon is gonna work his magic the entire time they're on that boat," she frets, apparently forgetting that Jon HAS no magic to work. Rupert is putting all his eggs in the "we were both picked on" basket. He has put her on a pedestal, never considering for one second that her failure to fit in at Morgan could have been HER problem. He assures Sandra, "Lil will come back--we talk every morning. She'll tell me the truth."

Ugh, before we take a Reward trip with Lil and Jon (much like that horrible safari with Brian and Clay in season 5), let's take some time for an

INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR NON-STAR

Me: Hey, everyone, as we eagerly look forward to February, and the Survivor All-Star competition, let's take a moment to catch up with a contestant who, despite no official announcement from CBS, WILL NOT BE THERE. Today's guest is Lindsay from Survivor:Africa's doomed beaded necklace clique.

Lindsay: I don't care WHAT you say, !&*#@! I'm a freaking bad-ass and I'm PUMPED, and I am SO gonna be a Survivor All Star! &#$@!

Me: Lindsay...you got your ass kicked by a tree. A dead one, at that.

Lindsay: I could SO beat that tree--if it had the BALLS to offer me a rematch! WHo's the Big Man Now, Stupid Africa Tree! @$#&!

Me: Uh Lindsay, actually...neither of you is a "Big Man"--

Lindsay: Don't #$&@ with me, Christine. You don't want to #$&@ with me--especially when I'm pissed! #$&@!

ME: Oooookay. Lindsay, do you look back on Survivor: Africa and wonder what would have happened had you not been too lazy to go on the mystery mission that allowed T-Bird and Frank to switch sides and eliminate Silas?

Lindsay: Shut UP! #@$&!!! Silas is coming back. Silas is coming back. Silas is coming back. @$#&!

Me: Okay Lindsay, I can see that you're upset---

Lindsay: I'm not upset. I am STRONG. @#$&!

Me: Okay, one last question--it's one that America has had on it's mind since it was first posed back in 2001, and you never gave us a straight answer. Lindsay, did your mother never hug ya?

Lindsay: @#$&! [ Lindsay begins kicking furniture until she's defeated by an especially tough couch. She rolls around on the floor sobbing and clutching her ankle]

Me: Uh, well, that concludes another Interview with a Survivor Non:Star. If there's anyone you'd like to see return to the review--but NOT to the show--please drop me a line :D

TWO HORRIBLE PEOPLE EAT PIZZA ON A BOAT

Lil is all agog as they sit on the catamaran, waiting for their food, "This is the nicest thing I've ever been on. We don't have nice boats in Ohio--well, maybe they do in Cleveland but that's only if you're a Drew Carey or an Arsenio Hall. Us regular Cincinnati folk have only read about catamarans in People Magazine! Of course, I can't afford People Magazine, I just read it at Super Cuts." Lil insists that Jon go over the VERY simple plan of voting out Rupert OR, if he wins immunity, Christa, "You may have to tell me four times, I'm not good at scheming and I need your male-guidance." She lays her head on Jon's shoulder in yet another creepy sign of submission. Then she laments, "I feel guilty about this. Well, not really, but my self-image is built upon the delusion that I'm morally superior to those around me and when I betray people, it makes my stomach hurt--and I can't afford Rolaids!" Lil gets hammered on half a beer, ties a square knot and declares, "I am the SCOUT MASTER!" while Jon admires his reflection in one of the boat's windows. They fish off the back of the boat and don't catch anything, which irritates everyone when they return to camp. Rupert chats up Lil that night, telling her if she sticks with him, she might be top two--who knows. Well, Lil might know that that's unlikely. She denies any type of plot with Jon and he falls for it hook, line and sinker (even though the hook and sinker aren't tied on very well). "When Lil assured me that she was on my side, I wanted to hug and kiss her." But soon, he will be in the long line of those eager to punch and kick her.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

the best dart blower
not only protects himself
but kills all others

The immunity Challenge is a fun one, based on the dart game called Killer. The players all have an assigned color. they use a blow gun to hit their own color. Once they accomplish this feat, they become "killers," and can blow darts at everyone else's colors. Each player has three lives, plus one that is added when you become a killer. Everyone struggles at first, and when Rupert comes up for his first turn, Jeff beams, "Hey, franchise! Hey best-contestant-ever! Why don't you show these chumps how it's done?" Rupert proudly becomes the first killer, but Burton is quick to follow as are Jon . Rupert targets Darrah, arrrr, dirty no-god Morgan that she is, Burton guns for Tijuana. Jon ousts Christa and offers an unconvincing, "oops." Rupert eliminates the "dangerous" Darrah--it's all going to plan. But Burton quickly reduces Rupert to his last life. Then, before a stunned Rupert has a chance to regain killer status, Sandra accidentally takes away his last life. Burton wins immunity in a convincing show of dominance AND BETRAYAL. But Rupert refuses to see it for what it is, Burton paving the road to his now eventual exit. "The Immunity really pissed me off," he complains, "I KNOW I was the best damn dart-blower out there but they got me out! Sandra di'nt mean to, I'm not mad at her. but Burton. HE knew what he was doin'. And ya know what I'm gonna do about that? Nuthin." Say Rupert, you know who I think the best dart-blower is? The person that actually wins the contest. Good think Darrah doesn't have that immunity though--because you would have hated to have to vote for, say, Tijuana instead.

RUPERTLOO

Ever see a giant snake kill a chameleon and then swallow it whole? Yeah, I hadn't either before tonight and it's an image I would have preferred to live without. This is supposed to symbolize Rupert's being betrayed by his alliance, but what actually happened would have been more accurately illustrated by some footage of a goat strutting proudly over a cliff. I'm SORRY! I loved him too!

Burton and Jon once again pledge their devotion to one another. Burton is already looking ahead to the Final immunity Challenge, where he promises to take Jon. Both men are VERY confident that they'll be there. Jon gives the camera a stoned smile (seriously, WHERE is this guy getting the drugs), "I'm pretty happy right now--I'm riding the coat-tails of a very smart, very strong, very attractive man. I promised Rupert that I'd never write his name down again, but a promise to me can be broken as easily as a fat woman on wicker furniture, heh heh, it's that simple." Jonny Not Funny, ladies and gentlemen. Not only does he make a really tasteless joke, he tells it wrong.

Rupert SHOULD be scrambling, aware that Burton is out to get him, but instead he's chatting about seashells with Lil. "What needs to be done, Poppa?" she blinks. "Jes' clean yer shells, that's a good girl." Lil frets as she polishes her backstabbing knife,"Jon and Burton keep pounding it into my head and berating me--they can be so meeeean--they keep telling me it's just a game but I'd love to keep Rupert. I love that man--he's *sniff* like a father to me!" Rupert, still WAY TOO into being a Drake, "confirms" with the boys that Darrah's going out, "We have teh target the Morgan's first." Rupert is TRULY a great person, a great guy, a great provider, a great hunter, a great competitor, a great friend but HE SUCKS at Survivor. Cluelessly, he prepares for Tribal Council, "Darrah packed her things--she seems ready to go. That could be an act I suppose, but I've got Christa, Sandra and Lil, so the worst that could happen is there's a tie and we go from there. Y'know, my girl Lil has been the key factor in a lot o' votes--she's really blossomed under my protection." Lil is his Achilles Heel. The Drakes vow their loyalty to Rupert--he makes them look him in the eye and they have no problem lying to him. Sandra shrugs, "Everyone keeps sayin' we have a strong five, and then we'll split from there. I guess they could outmaneuver us, but I don't see how." I don't know why Rupert, Sandra and Christa don't see Tijuana and Darrah as having any chance. Maybe they figure that Andrew and Rhino tried to work a deal and got shot down, but Burton is ONLY threatened by other guys. He doesn't see Tijuana or Darrah as able to best him at anything, so he's more than willing to keep them around in order to knock of Rupert--in his mind, his ONLY competition.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Rhino is brought in clean-shaven, which delights Tijuana. She's also grinning because she knows she and Darrah will live to fight another few days. Jeff wonders who the Tribe shouldn't live without and the ever-loyal Sandra insists, "HIM, Rupert. He brings in the fish. Burton brought in ONE fish and a bunch of measly stingrays. I mean, I'll eat em and everything, but they suck compared to fish. If it weren't for Rupert we'd be ass-out!" Which apparently you can say on CBS at 8pm, who knew? Jeff smiles, "Well, he IS the best casting we ever did, that's for sure. Lil, do you agree?" "Wulh, it's true Rupert does catch fish but...don't get mad or anything, Rupert, but there's another person who also catches fish who I inexplicably choose not to name even though Sandra just said who it was." Rupert looks alarmed at this less-than-glowing assessment of his value to the tribe. Jeff asks Burton, "Are you and Rupert trying to one-up each other at being the Alpha Male in the tribe?" Burton chuckles, "No. Rupert has CLEARLY caught more fish than me. However if one of us were to say, be struck by lightening, or inhaled to much smoke and passed out in a campfire, I think the tribe would live. The Morgans did." Burton is amused. Jeff sighs, "These Tribal Councils have been kinda dull lately. Sandra, could you trash talk somebody, just to spice things up before the vote?" "I'd be happy to, Jeff. Let it be known that Jon wakes up at noon, and then goes off to his secret napping place...I've never seen him clean a dish, I've never seen him clean a fish. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like Jon, San I am." Jon rebuts, "She gives me a headache--it's all about her when CLEARLY, it should be all about me." Finally, Jeff asks "doomed" Darrah, "You look like you've given up--would you be surprised to go home tonight?" "Wul Jayf, ah always luk lahk this but nah, I'd be mahty disappointed, but not a'tall surprised, no sir."

Rupert is despondent at his ouster. He receives 5 votes, Darrah gets 2 and Sandra stupidly votes for Jon. After her own-goal cost Rupert immunity early today she's very lucky her last minute decision to send a message to Jon wasn't a pivotal one--it very well could have been. Jon grins as a dazed Rupert speaks for many Americans. "I cannot believe that." But he SHOULD have seen it coming: Burton broke his promise to share his reward, Sandra overheard Jon and Burton plotting to control the game, and then Burton went after Rupert in the Immunity challenge. Also, Jon has plotted to take down Rupert in the past. He was a cancer that should have been carved out long before this point. And he projected too many of his own qualities onto fellow-misfit Lil to see her for the spineless liar she really is.

And then the exit speech. I know it comes in the heat of the moment, after a vicious gut-punch, but I still count it as the most embarrassing--right in front of Marquesas's John who cried and apologized to his mommy for not being able to buy her a house. Rupert sulks, "It is INSANE how bad I need this. This could have really made my life a lot better. I always get hurt when I trust people. I don't fit. I want to be accepted and I never get the acceptance I want. So much for my dreams." Whatever. I mean, wouldn't a million dollars help MOST people? I said it before, I'll say it again, everyone ELSE is trying to win too--and that's OKAY. I realize that Rupert doesn't know what a big star he is yet, but even still, his pity party annoys the hell outta me. Rupert, you weren't ousted because you're "the fat kid" or because nobody liked you. You were voted out because you are too strong a competitor (which you made damn sure everyone knew), and because you are SO well-liked, nobody wants to go up against you at the Finals because NO ONE could have beat you. And the fact that you don't "get" that just underscores that, for all your hunting and fishing prowess, you never really "got" Survivor, nor do you understand what's going on inside the people around you. Check yourself, dude. No one likes a sore loser.

Rupert is ousted in 8th place, joining Survivor's first REAL star, in my opinion, Jenna. Her tears and drama annoyed me but it was only when she was eliminated that I realized how revolutionary this show was. This is a show that votes out it's stars. Like Australia's EVIL Jerri, who was finally, magnificently voted out at this point in the game along with Duplicitous Brandon, Creepy Zoe, Ken the Cop and DA Deena. What's in store? I think the girls need to gun for Burton should he ever not win Immunity (c'mon, it could happen). Jon, Burton, Lil, Tijuana and Darrah? Doesn't sound like a strong five to me. Peace Out! :D