Survivor 7.7 Even the Losers Get Lucky Sometimes

WOW. Yes, Burnett did indeed let losers back into the game, and NO, I'm not really OUT, just like how I didn't REALLY jump out a window when Jenna won last season. I'm just big on empty threats and hyperbole...

DRAKE QUAKE

The Drakes return from Tribal Council and Rupert bellows (I wonder if they tell the contestants not to do anything very exciting back and forth from TC) "ARR, who the hell voted for ME!? RARRRR!" Jon cops to it, claiming lamely, "I was down for Drake, dude." Jonny looks really scared as Rupert continues to sputter and scream in his face. Rupert later confesses, "I coulda killed 'im. Literally--wrung his scrawny neck and popped his head off like a chicken!" I've had the same dream. Naturally, Jon tries to pin the whole scheme on Trish. It's not a bad way to go, but I think it's a bad move on Jon's part to say that he thought Rupert was gonna betray Drake, and he (Jon) was doing what was best for the tribe, considering how fanatical Rupert is about Drake. I mean, Rupert's gonna be calling himself a Drake when he's 80 years old. "I made a decision for DRAKE," Jon whimpers. "Drake made a decision t'night," Rupert corrects him, "You were the odd man out!" Jon later tells us that he's never forgiven Rupert for helping Morgan win the shower Reward challenge...yeah, whatever dude. Rupert and Jon hug and make up, but Rupert tells us, "I don't believe a word he says. Johnny Fairplay is now Jonny Pain in The Ass to me." Glad you could join us, Rupert.

Between eavesdropping on the hard-to-ignore Jon/Rupert scrum, Christa, Sandra and Shawn discuss how betrayed they feel by Trish, and how stupid she was to make a play for Rupert instead of just letting Shawn go out as planned, "Man, good thing Trish is gone and has no chance of EVER getting back in the game, man," Christa chuckles...

RAINY DAYS AND MORGAN ALWAYS BRING ME DOWN

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but the Morgan's are really hungry and they don't have any fish. Today's excuse is that it's stormy. Coach Andrew muses, "I think there's a direct correlation between the lack of protein in our bodies, and our lack of energy." Wow. Somebody should contact the New England Journal of Medicine with Andrew's radical theory, he may be on to something there. Andrew continues, "When Rupert was here, everything was wonderful. We ate, we laughed...we ate. Now Rupert is gone and we haven't caught a fish since. We'd give anything to have Rupert back." Yeah, OR! You could learn to fish, you mofos. I mean, I am by no means adventure-girl--in fact I don't even really like fish, but if I was THAT hungry, I'd be out there TRYING to catch something with that stupid spear shooter! It's point and shoot, there's an ocean of fish out there...odds are you could catch something by accident? Rhino, Tijuana and Andrew walk along the beach. Rhino spears a sting ray...but it gets away. Because they are Morgan.

BEANS AND RICE IS NICE

Well, turns out, that little PSA jingle from my youth ain't so true when it's all you've been eating for three weeks. "You can only eat so many beans," Andrew sighs. "Why's that?" Rhino wonders. "Because they SUCK." Andrew replies. That theory's maybe more "Men's Fitness" than the New England Journal of Medicine. Of course, even with the rice they got to swipe from Drake, they're almost out of food. Osten moans, "It's imperative that we merge. I'm a big guy, so stahvation's hahduh on me than on anybahdy else." Andrew clams that Morgan would be dancing and singing if they could only get some fish. Yeah, too bad you guys suck but we're sick of hearing about it--and remember, they're actually on a high from winning Immunity last night. This is a Morgan HIGH. Rhino wonders aloud, "I wonder how skinny Skinny Ryan would be by now?" "He'd perish." Osten jokes. "So would LIL," Andrew offers. "It sure is a good thing that they are GONE and have zero chance of ever coming back to the game!" Rhino chuckles...

IMMUNITY HAIKU

We could be more vague
And not even send a poem
with these locks and keys

"WE'RE GOING TO MERGE!!" Jon and Shawn and Sandra and Christa cheer, and Rupert looks on and scowls, "My tribe is so sure there's gonna be a merge but I'm not so sure and anyway, I like bein' a Drake. I don't wanna merge jus' yet." The Drakes head back to camp and all agree that it's time for some popcorn, which is their term for the popcorn-tasting coconut meat. Seems they could have called it...popoco, or something. Anyway, Jon is getting ready to prepare it and Shawn balks, claiming there's not enough time before the challenge. Jon shouts, "Of course you don't wanna help, you're a lazy BLEEP!" Shawn yells back, "Why ya gotta be a big whiny baby about everything, ya BLEEP!" In all fairness, both arguments have merit. Then Shawn goes into bully mode and gets into Jon's face and starts shouting, "Be a man! Call me a bleep one more time! Call me a bleep one more time! I'll deck ya, see?" And Jon yells, "Threaten me with violence ONE more time, and I'm gonna!" And Shawn growls, "Why I oughta....!" And I thought I was a fan of empty threats. Sandra sums up the dust-up thusly, "Hey, let 'em yell at each other: as long as they're not yelling at me, it's all good." Word.

C'MON BABIES, LET'S DO THE TWIST

The tribes gather at the beach for the very vague "reward challenge" and Jeff starts in on how they've each voted out three members of their tribes. "They were all voted out for different reasons--he only thing they have in common is that they are all out of the game and can't get back in---but that could change, SUCKUH'S!!" And with that, Nicole, Nerd Ryan, Lil, Burton, Michelle and Trish come marching in from the bushes, all dressed in bright purple buffs and frowning like it was goin' out of style. Apparently, they've been on the Island of Misfit Toys, waiting for Santa Probst to toss them back in the game. Who wants a caboose...with square wheels? A water pistol that shoots...jelly? A Boy Scout Leader who can't tie a knot? Jeff tells of how pirates used to abandon shipmates out to die, and if those pirates managed to survive and find their way back, they were lookin' for revenge (Jack Sparrow, anyone?) and baby, that's what the self-proclaimed Outcast tribe is looking for. Jeff reveals the high stakes for the challenge: If the Outcasts beat either Drake or Morgan, then the tribe that loses has to go to Tribal Council and vote someone out. Then the Outcasts get to vote IN one of theirs to replace them. If the Outcasts beat BOTH tribes, they get to vote in two people. The Outcasts will have automatic immunity in the next vote, to give them a fighting chance.

Word on the street is...okay, I read it in TV Guide...is that the Outcasts were told by Jeff that there would be ONE more Reward challenge, but they didn't know what it was so they were just as surprised as anyone else to find themselves back in the game. Maybe that's why Nerd Ryan was sporting that "Die, Jerks" bandana on his head--even with one week of guaranteed of immunity, integrating into either of these tribes is gonna be a tough sell, and that's one more strike. Lil is in full-on pout mode, and it's just so unbecoming. It's really hard for me to imagine wanting this sour-puss anywhere near one's kids. Jeff assures the tribes, "The Outcasts have been living on meager rations of rice, fruit and protein, just like you." The Morgans look down and kick the sand, "Yeah, protein...just like US." Probst is clearly enjoying the shock and horror on everyone's faces (though frankly, Tijuana and Rhino seem kinda amused) and he shrugs, "Hey, if you guys are TRULY the 10 strongest players in this game, this should be NO problem." Rupert nods confidently.

The challenge itself is an elaborate jail-break type, where one person runs to get a flag, then they have to dig into a cage and free someone and they dig their way into another and eventually everyone's using a pole to get one last key so they can unlock the last gate and run to freedom. I'm going on record here and calling it the LONGEST FREAKING CHALLENGE EVER FILMED. It went on forever. And the Outcasts won. Jeff calls it "a HUGE upset" which is a little ridiculous, then he has to go over and tell a despondent Rupert that the game is REALLY over and to leave the jail. Jeff tells Drake and Morgan they will be voting someone out, and the Outcasts that they will be voting in two members. The Outcasts are hugging and cheering--it's a shame we won't have any insight into whatever bonding they've done. Jeff asks Burton how big a victory this is and he assures the other tribes, "Whatever hardships you think you've been through, none of you know how bad it feels to be voted out of a tribe. It is the LOWEST of the LOWS." Spoken like someone who's never been to Morgan.

NO FAIR!

No one's very happy about the twist. At Morgan, Andrew is spitting nails over the whole thing, "Look me in the eye and SWEAR to me that WHOEVER comes walking up that beach to join us is OUT at the very next Tribal Council!!" Rhino tells him that they have immunity the first week and Andrew is flabbergasted-guess he wasn't paying attention. He is especially mad at Skinny Ryan, who he's never really liked. I LIKE Andrew, but I find his Nerd Ryan-hate a big turn off. Tijuana, or "T" as her tribe calls her, maybe because they're not sure if she's really Tijuana or Tawanda, muses about Andrew's outrage, "None of us are happy about the twist, but Andrew...he's especially threatened becasue he's comfortable being the leader and with how the tribe is set up right now." Hmmmm. Andrew's Lieutenant isn't following blindly, that's good to see. I like Tijuana. Osten makes the vote easy on everyone by quitting, "Vote me out tonight--and this time I'm pohsitive, I really mean it." He calls himself a "bag of atrophy," and laments not being able to give that elusive "110%" THAT CLICHÉ WILL NEVER DIE AT MORGAN--which is odd since 45% would probably be a good day for them. Osten somehow thinks he's being noble here, and sniffs, "I'm in unbeahable pain all the time and it's wohse fuh me because of my muscles and if anyone out theh, and Christine, ahm lookin' in your direction, doesn't like anything I've said or done they can get in line to kiss my ass." Hey, you know what Osten? I think I could easily KICK your ass most days. To insure my victory, I'd bring along a scary bird...

The Drakes aren't nearly as angry about the twist. Sandra is convinced it will be Burton and Lil, while Jon thinks it will be Michelle and Lil. I guess if you didn't actually live with her, you might thing Lil was likable. Jon rants to the camera, "The reason those guys were so happy is that they are losers who were given a second chance at life--if you're a winner, you don't need a second chance game, man, but they've been losers their whole lives so they're used to it." Uh...okay. No Drake's want to quit, and Rupert, Christa and Sandra have no real use for either Shawn or Jon, so they ask them to plead their cases. Shawn lobbies, "Well, I'm handsome, one. Second, I've been pretty honest up to this point--I trust Jon about as far as I could throw him...wait, no, that's pretty far." Jon glares and then responds, "I'm loyal to Drake, and I'm a very hard worker, nyah."

TRIBAL COUNCIL ONE: DRAKE

Jeff asks Rupert, "Did you expect to be here two days in a row?" He smiles ruefully, "Tow days in a row, two days in a row, I never would've expected to be here two days in a row." Before it turns into a Dr. Seuss poem, Jeff moves on to Christa, who admits being thrown by the twist but isn't scared, "I never bad mouthed any of the people we voted out." Sandra's VERY scared of a vengeful Burton returning--I think she's overestimating his chance at returning and also, giving him too much power if he does. There would be some delicious irony if he DID return, because Drake deliberately lost to oust him--a move which caused them momentum, superiority at the merge and the respect of Morgan (who, unbeknownst to most of Drake, know about the arrogant move thanks to Jon). A stiff price to pay regardless of who shows up but if they lost all that and then get Burton BACK in the game? And what if he goes to Morgan? Yowza. Since Jeff missed it the first time around, Shawn and Jon are given one last chance to plead their cases. Rupert looks ready to pop when Jon declares, "I care more about Drake than I do myself," but Shawn is indeed booted (Jon's only words as he casts his vote are "F*** you," which was funny because that's what most people really ARE saying when they right someone's name done. Despite my intense Jon-hate, I understand voting out Shawn to avert a reunion of the dynamic Frat Bats, should Burton return.

TRIBAL COUNCIL TWO: MORGAN

Of course the weather is worse for Morgan's Tribal Council--a little black cloud DOES follow them wherever the go, and NO, I'm not talking about Osten. Andrew tells Jeff that Osten has asked to be voted out and Osten launches into yet another, "I prahmised myself that I'd only go as fah as my bahdy allows," excuse-fest. Jeff pointedly asks Andrew, "ANdrew, isn't the whole point of this game is finding out what you're really made of in the face of pain and hunger and hardship? Isn't it all about rising above the Big Whiny Baby that is in all of us and pushing throught?" Andrew agrees. Jeff continues, "Did you HEAR Burton today? He was HUMILIATED and BLINDSIDED when he was kicked out of this game and yet he's back, fighting to get another chance at this game...doesn't that make you feel like a wuss?" Osten is unswayed, "I compah my bahdy to us cah: if it has no gas, it will naht run." Jeff is like a dog with a bone, "So, Tijuana, I'm guessing that Osten is the "mystery quitter" from the second Tribal Council, and that was like, what day 5 or 6? So hasn't Osten ALWAYS been a worthless quitter?" Tijuana shrugs, "Meh, pretty much. I don't understand it--I'd die before I gave up this opportunity." Darrah agrees, "Ah don' wan' leave this here gayum neither, no sir, lahk T sayed you'd hef to carry me away cuz I ain't leavin iffin' I don't have tuh." Rhino tells Jeff he respects Osten for he is, even if he's a loser. Jeff continues to cross-examine Osten until he says, "Look, if you wahnt to call me a quittah, that's up to you. But I'm stahpping. My health is more important to me---" Jeff screams, "Dude, what the HELL are you DOING here!? I've been to about 100 Tribal Councils, and even though B.B came AWFULLY close, no one's ever just quit the game unitl now. You don't deserve a vote, I'm gonna lay your torch down to indicate you're a quitter, now git! And befoul this sacred Tribal area no longer!" Once Osten leaves (he gets no goodbye clip), Jeff tells Morgan, "People work to hard to get here and stay here for us to have to tolerate someone like Osten taking up space. You're gonna get a new member added to your tribe and I guarantee you, they really want to play this game."

Osten and Shawn are both ousted in 10th place, a position USUALLY reserved for the first merge-casualty. The only other time this wasn't true was in Thailand, when the tribes moved in together but weren't actually merged, and Sook Jai's Shii-Ann paid the price for making friends with the Chewing Gums to early. This is where we lost noble Gretchen, smug Jeffy Jeff, larcenous Clarence, puppet mastuh Boston Rob and bossy (and allegedly stinky) Roger.

What happens next is anyone's guess: You know Burton and Michelle will vote for one another, ditto Lil and Nerd Ryan will vote for each other...but will Nicole vote for one of them or has she forged an alliance with Trish or Michelle? I think Trish votes back Michelle. It will be interesting to see what tribe they're sent to--I think they'd all benefit from being sent to the other tribe. The Morgans are pretty weak, but Nerd Ryan might stand a chance under Rupert's massive wing--and he weighs more than Jon. Burton and Michelle would both fit in nicely with Morgan. Michelle didn't really offend anyone--I think she has the best potential of going far in the game. Trish is persona non-grata with Rupert, which hurts her after a merge: The Morgans like him. I don't see people WANTING Burton to have another shot, he's the athletic guy you want to get rid of eventually anyway, why get him another shot? So do you lobby for your self and then vote for someone you think you can beat?? I'm baffled. It's a tough row to hoe no matter how you slice it--can't imagine any of the outcasts making it to the Final Four, but both tribes need to not alienate their new member because they DO need them if there's a merge. Is there a merge?? Because the next person voted out is STILL a 10th place finisher (the way I'm accounting for the twist, as there will be 9 people left), and therefore a non-juror...it's still unclear. What is CLEAR, is Mark Burnett will keep changing things around and screwing up my little handmade Survivor chart. You know, they don't change the rules every Super Bowl, and people keep watching that..ahem. Anyway: If no merge, Drake ousts Jon, Morgan ousts Darrah. If there's a merge, Drake targets Andrew as a threat...Morgan is to hungry to target Rupert so they get rid of Jon. Peace Out!

Christine :D