Survivor 7.5

SHAWN IS A PUNK-ASS WEASEL

The Drakes return to camp after Burton's ouster, and Jon wastes no time in pointing out to the others that Shawn voted out his fellow Frat-Bat. Jon reveals to us that he told Shawn how the vote was gonna go down and advised him to go with the majority. Shawn tells us, "Well, I HAD a core alliance of Burton, myself, Michelle and I THOUGHT, Jon. But I gotta tell ya, in all honesty, I've ALWAYS been a little concerned about Burton." Uh...huh. I'm not sure what "master-strategist" Jonny Not Funny gets out of drawing attention to all this, but Shawn wastes no time in trying to curry favor with the rest of the tribe by insisting that he and Burton weren't that tight. "Hey, even though we spent almost every waking second together hanging out and making fun of the rest of you guys, Burton annoyed me more than you might think." Trish scoffs, "I find that hard to believe," "Do ya really?" "Uh, Yeah." "Well, you're wrong Trish, cuz he did! I mean, HELLO, doesn't it make sense that since I spent every minute of the last 12 days hanging around with him that I would have the most instances of annoyance? Think about it Trish, do the math! He thought he was better than everyone in this tribe--even me for cryin' out loud! And he ALWAYS wanted to be Batman and I'M Freakin' Batman, okay?" To the viewing audience, he tries to spin his last minute flip-flop as a brilliant game-move, "Hey, Burton and I were tight but this game isn't about tight, it's about a little thing called STRATEGY. I shook the whole tribe up by switching my vote as soon as I learned it was irrelevant which way I voted...the rest of Drake is gonna have to get up PRETTY early in the morning to figure out what I'm gonna do next." Riiiight. It's not as though voting the way of the majority was a bad move for Shawn, it's a sound move. But to paraphrase Billy Joel, it's no big sin to stick your two cents in when you know when to leave it alone, but Shawn went over the line he couldn't see it was time to go home. He had to be a big shot. He CONTINUES to trash talk the departed Burt, "Everything had to be Burton's way, it's like, HELLO? There's more then one person here!" But his obsequiousness only makes him appear weak (which he is) and his Burton-bashing only makes him look untrustworthy (which he is). Worse, he's now actually delighting in Michelle's precarious place in the tribe, "She's fighting for her life here because she voted for Christa--the only other person to do that is GONE," he mocks. I don't give a rat's patootie about Michelle per se, but all she's ever done to Shawn is be his friend and ally. Jon makes a big gesture of telling her not to worry about her anti-Christa vote, but she's worried. "I'm in trouble. I'm completely by myself out here." 'Fraid so, sweetie.

THE RETURN OF BIG WHINY OSTEN

Doesn't the fluty pirate music they use make you want to dance a little jig whenever you hear it? I LOVE it :D Day 13 dawns, and it's a lucky one for Morgan because they have temporarily secured the services of Rupert. He spends the early morning trying get the Morgan's to realize what stupid idiots they are without hurting their feelings. As was noted last week, the tide keeps rising and is coming right up to their beachfront shelter, thanks to their pitiful "retaining wall" that consists of a couple logs dug into the sand. Osten and Andrew agree with Rupert that the first order of the day should be moving the shelter back from the battering waves, but Big Whiny Osten isn't convinced, "Rupaht had some wacky theory about the moon having an effect on the tide--whatevah, I nevah heard of that. My point is, we haven't yet been carried out to see while we sleep, so I say, let's wait until that actually happens before we declah a state of disastah." Osten sucks. Even when he grudgingly agrees to the move-the-shelter concept, he suggests moving it up just few yards, to a place that's currently occupied the tribe's fire-pit. When someone logically concludes that would mean moving the fire-pit, Osten laments, "What, right this second!?" Then he complains that if they move to close to the jungle, they'll be attacked by mosquitos and snakes and lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Darrah adds, "Osten wuz prihy aggruhvated cus he was jes wantin teh move it up from wahr it was at but that way we'd have teh move the fahr en all the logs, yeh know." M'kay. Rupert sighs, "These people work very hard at not working. They bicker and they bitch for hours--I know why it takes 'em hours teh do anything. I know why they don't do well at the challenges and I know why they aren't a very good tribe." Sounds like the Legislature. Forget Schwarznneggar, I think California needs Rupert! Osten's dumb plan is shot down, and Rupert helps the tribe move to higher ground. Rupert RULES!

EVERYONE IS TRIPPIN'

Meanwhile, the Drakes are fretting that Rupert is divulging their secrets to Morgan. Jon plants a seed of doubt by speculating that Morgan is offering Rupert all kinds of deals to join them after the merge and Shifty Shawn chimes in, "Three days is an awfully long time to be away." "Everyone is trippin'," Sandra marvels. Word.

MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRISONER

Rupert tells us, "I been dyin' uh thirst and hungry ever since I been here." So he goes out fishing, after explaining to Tijuana and Rhino how to use their spear. Which they've had THE WHOLE TIME. I mean, am I alone or didn't you all assume that Morgan didn't HAVE a spear? *Sigh* I know, they're MORGAN. Rupert dubs the hard-working and eager-to-learn Rhino a "good kid," and even regrets screaming at him when he lets a huge fish escape his grasp. Rupert catches a ton of fish and feeds the hungry Morgans, who hug and kiss him and extol his many virtues. Rupert RULES!

Sea Mail arrives, and Rupert has mixed feeling about playing for Morgan, "I love Drake, and I don' wanna see then lose. But on the other hand, I'd love teh shoe them that the reason they've been winnin' MIGHT have something teh do with me." For some reason, I was reminded of Burl Ives narration of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" as he said this. At the Reward Challenge, Rupert smiles and nods his approval when he sees that Burton has been vanquished in his absence. The reward is some water cans, soap and shampoo and the like, and a homemade shower and some raincoats. Jeff reminds Morgan that if they win, they'll also get the first piece of their treasure map, "Drake has already found their treasure, and enjoyed it." The Drakes kick the sand and mutter obscenities under their breath while flashing fake smiles to the Morgans in a half-hearted attempt at pretending that's true. The chocolate was good, anyway.

In the challenge, both tribes must paddle out in a canoe and jump into the water to unhook ladder pieces that are floating underwater. Once they've got all the pieces, they race back to shore and assemble the ladder while one team member dashes into the jungle and fishes an idol out of a well. Then that person climbs up the ladder to put the idol on a pedestal and slaughters a fatted calf as a sacrifice to the pagan god, Bail. It's amazing what the networks can get away with during the "Family Hour" these days. Drake gets off to a horrible start, and wanders of the course, while Morgan operates like a well-oiled machine. Rupert does the bulk of the diving. Jeff taunts Drake, "Jon's using the rudder as a paddle, not to steer!" Hee hee hee :p Morgan FINALLY kicks some Drake booty, which means they get the Reward booty! Jeff offers Rupert the chance to share in the prize he earned and returning to Drake later, but naturally he won't hear of it, "I love you guys," he tells Morgan, "But I wanna go home." It's the smart move.

THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

The Morgans revel in their new shower and all the smelly soap stuff they've won. Coach Andrew goes on and on about how yeah, Rupert helped, but it was really all about Morgan pride. "I was the fist time I really saw fear in their eyes, it was the first time they looked nervous." That's because it was the first time they actually TRIED to win and didn't, Andy. Darrah lathers up while the guys keep a respectful distance and refrain from leering. She says, "I think theh guys really respek us so I respek them raht back fer respected us bah not peepin' et us whahl we worshed up in the sharr." I think it's setting the bar pretty low if you're gonna give guys props for not being slimebags but hey, maybe that's why I'm still single.

BACK IN THE MOLD FOLD

Rupert is welcomed back with open arms. Jon wonders, "So how was Jenny Craig Island. Get it? They're starving to death, so they're losing weight so I called it Jenny Craig island?" Yes Jon, human suffering is hilarious, we know. Rupert confirms that Morgan is down to their last couple meals of rice. He's also quick to dis Big Whiny Osten, "Osten doesn't go in the water, he doesn't go in the jungle, he doesn't get fire wood, he doesn't get water--he doesn't do nuthin!" Jon asks if they tried to recruit him the whole time and Rupert deflects, "Naw, they know I ain't goin' nowhere and they know Drake's gonna win this whole thing!" Everyone cheers and they have a big smelly Drake group hug.

Andrew arrives to "loot" and Rupert murmurs, "This should be interesting," but it's really not. Andrew is very gracious and he gladly takes Rupert's advice to take some of their rice supply. Rupert doles out a large portion and then reminds Andrew that technically, he can take all of it, if he wants. "You know I wouldn't do that," he insists. So Rupert gives him even more. "That wasn't a looting," Rupert smiles later, "That was friends helping friends." Andrew hopes the pleasant exchange points to a good, friendly merge when the time comes, while Rupert wisely worries about becoming a target should he be perceived as having too much power and visibility in both tribes.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

you know you suck when
you can't make drinking clam slime
seem like an ordeal

Jonny Not Funny and Shawn go to get the Sea Mail and they get weirdly territorial about opening the stupid treasure chest and reading the dumb poem. The dumb poem makes it clear that it's time for the gross-out food challenge, and that it's gonna be in shake form. Trish is worried about being able to do it and Rupert advises chugging it while holding your nose. Michelle agrees and brags, "I don't have trouble eating gross stuff AT ALL." This gives Jon a rather inspired idea...wait...it's Jon, don't I mean insipid? No it actually IS inspired, I'll admit it. Jon suggests since Michelle doesn't have a problem with the disgusting food, she should pretend to have a great deal of difficulty completing the challenge--that way, when it's time for the other team to pick who should go for the tie-break, Morgan will be fooled into picking Michelle, who will then dominate--and it protests Trish and Sandra from having to do it. Michelle shrugs, "I guess I could PRETEND to be all girly girl, so long as it's understood that I'm really a total frickin' bad ass!"

MICHELLELOO

Rupert finds a wounded snake in the water and takes it to the challenge to be bandaged. It's introduced as Balboa, the new mascot of the Drake tribe. Rupert is very dear. The Survivors groan at the various horrible ingredients that await them--bleeding clams, octopus, sardines etc. Teh only thing that looks good is the mango, and no one lands on it. There's two ingredients in each shake and one person from each team squares off against the other. It's not a race with the other person, you just have to finish it, and everyone does very well. No one balks. Jon tries a little to hard to sell their point, saying very loudly as Michelle walks up to the bar, "Michelle's looking least forward to doing this." She's up against Rhino and maybe because he's cute, she throws the plan out the window and chugs the bass-o-matic concoction down like it was a Shamrock Shake (tm). Jon, Shawn and Christa are visibly upset at her stupidity.

A LITTLE INSIGHT INTO JONNY NOT FUNNY

Then it's Jon's turn and he flashes those gang signs of his and Jeff asks, "WTF?" so Jon explains, "That's the f going one way, the y going the other way, and Jonny Fairplay is in the middle--I play fair." At this point I'd like to share with you some insight into Jon's bizarre behavior and some of the weird-ass stuff he says. I got an email from one of my readers, ahem, thanks Eric, who's roommate is a big pro-wrestling fan. It turns out that Jon is a wrestler, and Jonny Fairplay is one of his personas. Jon's online CBS bio reveals that he's worked for Rowdy Roddy Piper, and his favorite TV shows include Raw and Smackdown. In last week's show, what I took to be an impression of Rupert was actually an impression of Macho Man Randy Savage. At one point Jon also does a strut which is directly taken from Ric Flair. Also, a variation on Ric Flair's strut is the little walk Jon has done at tribal council both times he's gone to vote. When Jon made his vote against Burton he said, "Can you dig that, Suuuuuucka?" which is the catch phrase of wrestler Booker T. So Jon is trying to be an over-the-top wrestling villain, which, even though I still hate him, makes him more interesting, don't you think?

ANYHOO, Jon tries to flirt with Darrah, saying they should kiss now before their mouths get all yucky and Darrah shoots him down. Jeff asks Darrah is Jon would have a shot under any circumstances and she says, "Never...No Offense." I like it when people say something mean and then tack on "no offense" as though, magically, that would take the sting out of it. Darrah has trouble, and Jon makes puking noises to make it worse but it doesn't work. The last time I remember someone doing the childish "I'm gonna make you puke" noise was when Jeffy Jeff did it in Australia--I think to Tina...which would be funny because she certainly got the last laugh there. Then Christa takes on Osten and does a totally exaggerated fake-vomit display which I thought was really funny, go figure. I guess I'm biased. Anyway, the game is tied and each team must now pick the person form the other tribe they feel is least likely to be able to handle the race. Drake picks Darrah, Morgan picks...Sandra. Jeff whips up a smoothie of bleeding clam and octopus and sea water, then adds a sardine garnish, which must be eaten. Both women struggle valiantly to keep it down, but it's Darrah who manages to finish first. This was a key victory not just for her tribe, but for Darrah personally as she was undoubtedly next to go had they lost.

BLAME GAME

Sandra's bummed out that she failed the competition, and Christa and Rupert's encouragement's do little to make her feel safe, "Why shouldn't I be voted out?" Jon is furious
at both Sandra and Michelle, "That competition was mind over matter and Sandra proved her mind to be smaller than a sardine, heh heh!" Eh, screw Jon, cuz he's an ass. No one is pleased with Michelle, who's ego seemingly came before their tribe's immunity chances. And who has an ego about being able to drink really gros things really fast, anyway? Shawn goes to Rupert and reminds him that "Michelle can play, she can win those challenges." I'm not sure if this is an argument to keep Michelle because she's valuable or eliminate her because she's a threat, to be honest. Whatever it is, it doesn't sit right with Rupert who mutters, "We're not back 10 minutes yet, and he's already trying to get someone voted out--he'd best be careful or it'll be him that's goin' home." An idea that picks up steam when Michelle pleads her case to Rupert, who does agree that she works way more and eats way less than the self-enamored Shawn. Michelle suddenly has to vomit (gee, wonder why) and a totally unfazed Rupert sits next to her and continues talking with her. As she pukes he covers it up with sand. Rupert Rules! He consoles Michelle and promises to at least pitch the idea to the other tribe members...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff gazes smugly at the assembled Drakes, "What a difference a few days makes. Suddenly, you're a bunch of sorry losers. Sandra, don't you feel totally responsible?" "If I get voted out tonight, I'll know why, Jeff. I failed, and I feel terrible about it." Good answer. Then she goes on to admit, "It's the first immunity we lost that we didn't PLAN to lose." When Jeff reminds them they claimed NOT to have thrown the game at the last Tribal Council, Jon smirks, "Yeah, no one needed to know that at the last Tribal Council, man." Rupert shakes his head in embarrassment as Jeff lectures, "Are you idiots aware of how short-sighted and cocky it is to throw a challenge in a game like this? Don't you realize you've given Morgan the confidence they need to continue kicking your butts?" Michelle scoffs, "That's a stretch, Jeff. I don't see how their beating us today will have any effect on next time and I don't expect us to lose a single challenge from here on out." Michelle obviously doesn't understand the concept of a little thing called "mo." That's as in "mentum," kids. Rupert interjects and insists he tried to talk the others out of the stupid move of throwing the immunity (and no one argues). Then he takes it a step too far by complaining about how oh so terrible it was for him to have to go to Morgan but it may be a blessing in disguise because he shrewdly stole all their secrets. It's a bit of an oversell, in my opinion, and he comes down a little to hard on his tribe mates. Even though what he's saying is right, he seems to be showing them up a bit. I hope his high-handedness doesn't come back to bite him.

Michelle goes down 6-1--turns out that whole Shawn thing was just a red herring garnish on our Tribal Council shake. When Jon makes his vote against Michelle he says, "Say hello to the bad guy," which is the catch phrase of wrestler Scott Hall. Michelle waves goodbye to the tribe--standard operating procedure for deportees in previous seasons, but she's the first one to do it the Pearl Islands. Everyone before her was either too bitter or too stunned, I guess. Other contestants lost this week: Dirk the Christian, Kimmi the Vegetarian, Silas the Ass, Gabe the Hippie, Stephanie the stupid girl that kept sleeping out in the rain even though she was sick and last season's tough broad, Jeanne. Tonight, I foresee either Darrah or Shawn to go, but there's this part of me that's really fearing for Rupert. He's liked by the other tribe, and he'll be difficult to beat in challenges and in the Final Vote, I'd imagine. I hope I'm being paranoid--Rupert's a gem:)

Peace Out! Christine :D