Survivor 7.3 and 7.4 Super Late Doubleheader Review! :D

FRAILTY, THY NAME IS MORGAN

Yep, it STILL sucks to be at Morgan, morale is low. Scoutmaster Lillian prays for strength and for her departed best bud, Nerd Ryan while Osten prays for resolve and vows not to quit. Lillian whines to Captain Andrew that she's more valuable and a harder worker than wilting Southern flower Darrah. Lil is glad that Osten apparently understands why she voted for him, "He quit," she trembles. Andrew disagrees, "There's a difference between quitting, and you know, QUITTING." Lillian just isn't wired up for the injustice of "Survivor" which is illustrated in her idealism, and the fact that she's one of those "I'll just work REALLY hard around camp" people--as a great cartoon squirrel once said, "that trick again? That trick NEVER works!"

POINTLESS DRAKE TREASURE HUNT

Drake tries to find the elusive treasure chest with only 2/3 of the map. It doesn't work.

REWARD CHALLENGE

Morgan gets a Reward poem that's like, "Are you cold? Do you lack a tarp? You could win blankets, nyah nyah arp!" Morgan gushes about how They REALLY need this one and all of America shouts back, "WE KNOW!!" and then about a quarter of them mutter, "Losers," afterwards. At Drake, Jon suggests "Hey, maybe if it's like, gonna be hard...I could like, sit out? But if it's swimming, hey, Sandra should sit out--she's the worst SWIMMER. I'm not totally worthless, after all. Yep, I can out swim Sandra!" Sandra objects and gets all up in his grill about how she out-swam him the first day and they wind up shouting at one another until Jon runs away. Sandra sums up, "Screw Jon, cuz he's an ASS." Jonny Not Funny declares with a chuckle, "Her days are numbered. We have bigger threats to get rid of first but she's not in the final four. And I've got a million dollars that says she's not the final one. Get it? Because like...heh heh. Because the Final One will be the winner, and so...if I have a million dollars that means that, you know. I'm the FINAL ONE?" Screw Jon, cuz he's an ASS.

EVER GET THAT SINKING FEELING THAT MORGAN CAN'T WIN ANYTHING EVER??

The Reward Challenge is for some hooptie pillows and some blankets--the rewards are pretty damned weak this year, if you ask me. If it weren't for the added humiliation of the other tribe coming over to filch your water pot, they'd barely be worth trying for. Each tribe divides into two boats, and you basically have to stay afloat while the other team throws water in your boat, tries to pull out these plugs in your boat--and oh yeah, tries to just physically push your boats into the water through sheer brute strength--Drake has Rupert, Rupert is a TREE, so Drake wins again. Burton and Jon bray like asses in celebration. Back at Morgan, everyone tries to put on a happy face. Boston Osten sighs, "We just need to get STAH-ted."

The next day, Lillian wakes up before everyone else and goes fishing off by herself because no one got up early enough, SO THERE! She prays for some help but sometimes, God's answer is a big ol' NO. She winds up not only failing to catch anything, but she also loses their precious fish hook. Everyone grumbles about her pig-headed lonerness, but they're too hungry to actually get angry at her. Rhino is bummed because he thinks there should be more team work, Andrew can't understand how a scoutmaster could fail to tie a decent knot, and I don't understand why they aren't ALL fishing ALL the time until they figure out how to catch something edible. It's like the girls last season--how is the shelter NOT a priority when you're getting rained on? How is food not your all-consuming focus when you're starving?

THE PILLAGE PEOPLE

Burton doesn't think the tribe should waste so much time looking for the treasure, but Jon whines, "I wanna I wanna I wanna!" Hippie-chick Christa, who bears a physical and vocal resemblance to Muppet Hippie Janice, is elected to go steal a reward item from the lowly Morons. When she worries about it being the only means they have to boil water and thus drink and thus stay alive, Burton reasons, "Well, this way, we'll have two so then if they win and take OUR only water pot it won't be are only water pot because we have theirs." Frat brother Shawn agrees, "Same with the whole tarp situation--they take ours? Who cares, we have theirs." Jonny Not Funny, who is also Not Right in the Head, smiles evilly at the idea of actually murdering the entire Morgan tribe through slow dehydration, "They'd do the same to us if they could, they hate us!" he cackles. Rupert muses, "If it's really their ONLY water pot, I would feel bad about dooming them in such a manner--but then I remind myself that we are the mighty pirates of DRAKE--the most fearsome marauders on the Caribbean today!" Like Lil with her Scout thing, Rupert is way too into being a pirate. Way Too.

That Black Girl meets The Blond Girl

The Morgans toss their fishing net into the boat, hoping it will look like a rag. It turns out they do have two water pots. Rhino boasts, "They're both boiling on the fire right now, and they both have nasty blankets stewing in them, heh heh, so hopefully that will scare them off or at least they'll burn their hands." Personally, I don't get boiling a nasty-ass blanket in your drinking-water pot, just in the hopes it will be stolen, but whatever. Far be it from me to begrudge Morgan whatever petty little shred of happiness they can find. Christa arrives and Tijuana refers to her as 'The Blond Girl." Christa is way friendlier than Sandra, and gives everyone a hug. She is relieved to find they have two water pots and takes one while Sulky Darrah drawls, "They don' have uh pot over yonder at that there Drake?" An indignant Osten pouts back, "I don't KNOW!" Darrah and Osten seem to be under the impression that the point of this isn't to break them and has nothing to do with the other tribes NEEDS. It's all about breaking your spirits, kids. Andrew and Tijuana aren't as easily beaten, and chat easily with their visitor, who claims ignorance when Andrew tries to get her to reveal who'll they'll vote out. He's also a little miffed to learn that they've been getting their asses kicked by a leaderless tribe (tribe leader is a pretty rare title in Survivor, and the only people who I can think of to act in that capacity usually don't do well--Thailand's Jake and the Amazon's Roger are the only ones that spring to my mind). Christa leaves and Osten and Darrah tear into her for being too nice--you can't win with these two. Osten sneers, "She's trying to be crafty--she's not as dumb as she's pretending to be: that whole Big Bird act of hers is a FARCE." Andrew thinks that Morgan is the stronger tribe, "They haven't had to face any adversity and when they finally do it will destroy them and it'll turn out that being the suckiest Survivors who ever sucked is the best thing to ever happen to us!" Andrew's next job will be bench coach for the Detroit Tigers.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

The team with Rupert
Is gonna win so sorry
you lost the hook Lil

Andrew gets excited because in the real poem, it says something about "will" being important, and he thinks his strength through adversity philosophy is gonna pay-off. He doesn't seem to hear the rest of it, about how their strongest member Osten is going up against the other tribe's strongest member, FREAKIN' RUPERT. America knows Osten's only shot at this is if there's some long division or a spelling bee at the end. Darrah Gump reminds us, "Tribal Council is baad...and thet's all I gottuh say about thet." The challenge is basically a tug of warish affair, with the smallest tribe member (Darrah and Michelle) being held up by a rope being pulled by the rest of the team, who drop out one by one until it's only Osten and Rupert holding on to the rope. Jeff taunts both men about how much pain the girls are in, about the bugs they're lying in ("We sleep in bugs!" Christa screams back), and Osten holds in for a good TWO HOURS, but ultimately, that fact that he is not a TREE costs Morgan another member.

Back at camp, the power clique of Morgan: Andrew, Tijuana, Rhino and Osten, discuss the relative merit badges of the hard-working, bright, alert Lillian and the lazy, torpid, dim Darrah. Andrew tries to soften Lil up for her possible ouster and states to her, "The person who's being voted out shouldn't be mad about it, they should accept it as the will of the tribe and the best thing for the tribe, right Lil?" Lil replies, "Andrew, thanks for having the balls to actually come to me and raise the possibility of my eviction in a vague, hypothetical manner--you're the BEST!" Andrew blushes, "Aw shucks, it ain't nuthin. And if the vote DOES go against you, I'll tell you first." Tijuana wonders if Darrah is afraid she might be next and she shrugs, "Whatever. Least ah'm not mopin' 'round lahk ol' Lil over yonder." Tijuana frowns at Darrah's arrogance (or maybe she's frowning because she didn't understand a word Darrah just said, I dunno) and reports back to Andrew, who wonders to the camera, "Has Darrah earned her spot on the tribe? Has she done anything ever except for today hang on a rope and truly embody the dead weight that she has before merely symbolized? You know, I really don't know." Whatever, dude.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff is just plain sick of seeing their faces, and taunts Andrew, Rhino and Tijuana when they try to remain positive. "Andrew, you're on pace to be the losingest tribe ever--State Governors have been recalled for far less. Dude, what's your problem?" "We don't have Rupert," he replies. "Why aren't you losers worried!?" Andrew admits they ARE worried but if they can just catch a fish or two, they can turn it all around. Jeff asks Darrah what her weaknesses are and she's stupid enough to answer honestly, "Wuhl, I ain't too good at lahk, all the work stuff? Lahk, I cain't build a caympfar, thet there is Lil's job." Lillian beams and states how proud she is that their leader, Andrew, praised her work-ethic. Fat lot of good it does her, as she gets the heave-ho. She's very bitter and when Jeff fails to snuff out her torch in the first try, his "They don't want to see you go" is met with a gloomy, "Yeah, right." Mortician Darrah sticks around--hey, somebody's gotta do an autopsy on this tribe! In her farewell, Lillian goes all martyr, "Seems like there's a lot of lying in this game, and I'm not to good at that!" For Pete's Sake, how many times to I have to ask the question, "Do any of these people watch the show?" Because it is a fact--NO ONE has succeeded in Survivor by being good at chores (in fact, Marquesas winner Vecepia barely lifted a finger around camp, which annoyed her tribemates but never enough to get her out of there). Not saying hard work hasn't kept some people around a week or two longer, but at some point you have to involve yourself in the politics of the game or you just shouldn't be there. Keeping to yourself doesn't make you more moral than anyone else, it makes you BAD AT THE GAME. No one goes to confession on Sunday to repent about bluffing at poker. Lillian is in 14th place, with Season One's Stacy, who famously hissed "you changed your vote" to Stoopid Soo before leaving the Tribal area immediately and then sued Mark Burnett. This was also the week that the pretty-decent winner -Tina turned on her friend Mad Dog for strategy's sake, and the week that the Friendship Bracelet kids of Samboohoo got rid of Carl the dentist. My husband Hunter's stunning exit at this point of the game seemed asinine to me at the time, yet Vecepia couldn't have won without it, so it turned out to be a wise vote on her part. The Sucks of Sook Jai (who had won the first two immunities) took a dive in week three so they could send Dentist Jed home (a bad week for dentists), but you can bet they wished they hadn't when they wound up on the wrong side of the numbers at the merge. And finally, this week last season saw Daniel leave the tribe because he annoyed King Roger. The reasons are different, but the result is the same: Survivor also-rans, all. Although it didn't hurt Hunter too much: he's got his own show on the History Channel or something...

WEEK 4

*HEAVY SIGH* MORE MORGAN MISERY

Yup, it STILL really really really sucks to be at Morgan. Not only have they lost every challenge to date, the stormy waves are now threatening to collapse their "fortress wall," which keeps their structure form being washed out to sea. This alleged wall is a couple of logs dug into the sand, and the Morgan's spend all day repairing the dicey thing, rather than just move their camp further up the beach, even thought Rhino predicts, "The tide is gonna get higher and higher as the month goes on." Well then...wouldn't it make sense to just...*Heavy Sigh* oh yeah, it's Morgan. Then Tijuana notices that a bunch of fire ants are living in their shelter. Andrew sighs, "It's gotten almost comical, how bad things are going for us." ALMOST? Then he claims, "It would be a huge victory for us if we could just catch one fish," so of course they don't.

IMMUNITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

The Drake's, who haven't had a chance to cull the herd, are starting to really get on one another's nerves. Jonny Not Funny yells at Shawn because he thinks Shawn doesn't do enough around camp, and Sandra agrees. She's annoyed that the Frat Bats claim to be the first ones up every morning when she knows that's not true. Trish marvels, "Morale is really low this morning, which is weird because we're the winningest tribe ever." Christa reveals, "Dude, we like, keep winning everything? And we'd kinda like to vote somebody out." She asks Shawn where he went to college and asks, "Did you graduate?" And I SWEAR the way she asks is totally innocent, she doesn't know how old he is or if he's going for an advanced degree (insert your own *Shawn going for an advanced degree* joke here). But Shawn complains to the camera, "Christa's always making her LITTLE COMMENTS, her little jokes, you know, tryin' to humiliate me! But I'm cool, you know, I take her crap, I smile. I'll get the last laugh." I don't think Shawn knows what to do when a pretty girl isn't fawning all over him. Nor does Christa know how to deal with yuppie-frat kids unless they're asking her where they can score some weed. Burton and Shawn childishly continue to make fun of Rupert and his skirt, causing Rupert to comment, "It's jes' like high school, the pretty-boy jock-ass idiots all gotta pick on me." And you would have to be an idiot to pick on Rupert, seems to me. Trish is also critical of the Frat Bats (including Frat Girl Michelle), who you may recall became fast friends over a horded coconut on their first day on the island, "Those three cliqued-up right away. I think the guys think they're too strong to be voted out, and Michelle is their pretty young thing--I don't think they realize how much they've alienated every one else." WORD. The trick to this game, as Rob said last season, is to have a working relationship with everyone in your tribe. You don't have to be best friends but you have to be able to communicate with everyone.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER

In a challenge that is VERY much like last week's diving for treasure challenge, the tribes have to either swim out to get a puzzle piece or dig up a puzzle piece on the beach and then assemble the puzzle once they have all 16 pieces. If you win, you get an old-fashioned sewing machine and some fabric. For some unexplained reason, Osten, who has said he's not much of a swimmer, opts to swim out to dive for a puzzle piece. He almost drowns and Rhino and Andrew go out to save him. Morgan makes a noble effort to catch up to Drake but they're Morgan and of course, they lose. I don't know why you have Skinny Ryan go first in last weeks relay, I don't know why you have Osten swim when you know he can't. Coach Andrew, you need to make better roster moves...

RUPERT BONEHAM: FASHION GOD

Christa is frickin' stoked, man, to have the sewing machine. She helps Rupert take his measurements so he can have a new skirt. And yeah, he COULD make shorts, but he wants the skirt cuz it's so comfortable. When the Frat Bats see him using the sewing machine---I mean, a DUDE using a sewing machine? It's the most ridiculous thing they've seen since, well, Rupert in a skirt. They really are like bullies, rifling through the sewing baubles and braying "Rupe" and "Mr. Sew-uh, sexy sexy. I've got some pants that need hemming." Rupert just rolls his eyes and takes it--unlike the insecure Frat Bats, he's got nothing to prove.

BURIED TREASURE, SHATTERED DREAMS

Drake now has all three pieces of the map, and it turns out the treasure is in the jungle, not out on some sandbar where they were looking before. They are all very excited about it--too excited really. Jon shares, "I've had more wet dreams about that treasure than...heh...eh....er...any uh...girl in playboy." Little hint about comedy, Jon. Specific is funny. Jonny? Not funny. Anyway, Shawn and Michele find the treasure together but Shawn yells, "I found it! I found it!" Everyone is jumping up and down but when they open up the chest, they are greeting with a foul stench rivaling that of Governor Tarkin. It seems some moisture leaked in and everything's moldy. There is some chocolate to make everyone happy, and some rum. Burton is critical of his teams reaction, "There were some goblets and candles...some coffeebeans. I wanted to tell everyone to grow up." Jonny whines, "It was like a ghetto Christmas...heh heh...it was like...eh...asking for an Incredible Hulk doll and getting one of your sister's Barbie dolls painted green. Get it? It's like, so not the same? It's a big letdown...like the treasure chest?? GET IT!?" I laughed my ass off when the treasure turned out to be crap. There's just something annoying about a team that wins all the time...

Of course, there's also something really annoying about a team that loses all the time. Even though they haven't seemed to give fishing on the camp-side of the island much of a go, Rhino and Andrew go off on a fishing trek to the other side of the island. OF COURSE they get lost. They are Morgan. I read somebody, somewhere, I think it was probably Dalton Ross in "Entertainment Weekly" giving Andrew a bad time for wearing his suit jacket without a shirt, but I think he looks H-O-T, kids. The trip is a big waste of time, which Andrew blames largely on the cartoon map they got at the beginning of the game not being drawn to scale. Personally, wouldn't depend on the accuracy of a map that has no longitude and latitude lines and depicts the water well rising up from the island like Mount McKinley, but Andrew and Rhino needed to waste a day to discover this fact for themselves. Hey, I said they were pretty, I never said they weren't dumb. The rest of the tribe (and sadly, that's three people) awaits the arrival of this week's pillager. Boston Osten complains, "If dey take ah pot, we can't bowl wahtuh and it's game ovuh." As usual, he and Darrah pout in the shelter while Tijuana shows class and poise by going out to greet the visiting Drake. Trish keeps saying how bad she feels to have to do this while Tijuana welcomes and teases her and makes it clear that while Morgan is down, they aren't out. Trish takes the tribe's lantern, which they were hoping she would. Darrah says "Weweremightyrelievedwewantedthentuhtakeahlannerniftheytookourpottheyproblyruintit." Or something similar, it's always hard to tell, and I rewind her three or four times. Deaf people get totally screwed watching "Survivor"--Closed Captioning doesn't even TRY to figure out what the deep-Southerners on this show are saying and in all fairness, I'd rather take my chances with Swahili or Greek then have to ask Darrah, Africa's Big Tom or Thailand's Clay for directions.

BURTONLOO

Night at Drake, and Burton wakes up to see that Rupert is up, so they go out into the water to have a secret chat. Like many a Survivor Loser before him, Burton decides to overplay his hand, and shake up the status quo when he should just lay back and wait. Burton goes to Rupert with a plan to throw the next Immunity Competition and vote out Christa. He reveals to us, "I was a little hesitant to approach Rupert with this because he's so loyal and moral." Burton butters up Rupert, claiming the two men are the strongest two players of this season and that they can control the game if they do this, without letting anyone know. Rupert says he'd go along with it for the good of the tribe, but he's shining Burton on. To us he snarls, "Burton is a traitor to Drake, and all that our proud name stands for! If this was really a pirate culture, he'd already be dead!" Way Too into being a pirate, but right-on about the stupidity of Burton's plan. He tells Christa and Trish all about it, and says he wants Burton gone. Meanwhile, Frat Girl Michelle says, "We are, as a group, ready to throw a challenge--the alliance I'm with is ready to get rid of Christa and not give today's challenge 100%." I have NO idea why they all hate Christa so much, unless they just really don't like stoners. Rupert is dead-set against the tribe taking a dive, "Throwing a challenge is the stupidest thing you could ever do. But will I sit back and let 'em do it? Yeah." Vowing that he could never take part in a game and not play to win, Rupert agrees to sit this one out.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

Full-Contact Checkers
Drake had this one in the bag
But sat-out their Tree

The Immunity game is a game to get from one boat to the other across a floating board. when you encounter a member from the other tribe, you have to wrestle them to advance. the loser has to start all over again. Drake sits out it's two strongest men, Burton and Rupert. When Jeff asks about this, Rupert grimaces, "It wasn't my choice." "Oh, so you have a rotation that never changes?" "Eh...something like that." Rupert is the Shoeless Joe Jackson of the Panama Drake Sox. You may remember this as the challenge that caused all sorts of trouble for the Sook Jai cheaters in Thailand. Robb choked Clay, they kept staring the matches before they were in "the fight zone," which has been corrected in this version of the game so that no one engages until Jeff says they can. Morgan, unaware that some of their skirmishes may have been fixed, exalt in victory as they FINALLY WIN THEIR FIRST CHALLENGE! They are bursting with hope and pride and confidence--and the condescending Dopes of Drake grin like idiots at the monster they may have created. Then Jeff lays a surprise on them, the winner of this challenge also gets to take a member of the other tribe with them and keep them through the next Reward Challenge. Naturally, Morgan takes this season's clear MVP choice, Rupert. All the Drakes look nervous, especially Christa, who may have needed Rupert's vote at Tribal Council.

JONNY NOT FUNNY, NOR LOYAL

Back at camp, Jon is drunk on rum and performing like a circus chimp for the scattered laughter of his Frat Bat "pals" who clearly see him as their mascot--someone they're carrying along. He does a bad Rupert impression and the cool kids all laugh at their clown. Shawn claims, "As far as I'm concerned, this is the Final Four right here. And Sandra can BLEEP me and when they come back here, and Christa's gone, no matter which one of US they voted for, they'll know they just sunk their ship." So apparently, voting for Christa is now some sort of Frat Bat loyalty oath. Burton shrugs to the camera, "Jon keeps saying he wants Christa gone, even though he's out there talking to her right now...I have no reason to think he's lying to me. Aren't I pretty?" Yes Burton, you're very, very pretty. Jon tells Christa and Trish about Shawn's big loyalty speech and maintains that he's for voting out Burton (who has no idea it's coming since the Frat Bats all think the girls want Michelle out). Christa frets, "Dude, Jon is like, such a convincing liar, man. If he can lie to their faces so easily, why the hell should I trust him?" Christa, your insight serves you well. Everyone has fun before the vote, and Jon humiliates himself some more by stripping nude and running around like the drunken lame-o that he is while everyone laughs at him. Not WITH. AT. Jon is most pleased with himself, telling us he's aligned with both groups and that he also has a "Til the End" pact with Shawn, "Things are going great for Jonny Fairplay, I'm in paradise and I'm a freaking puppet-master." Let's all pray that Jon goes the way of previous evil self-appointed puppet-master Boston Rob and not Porn-Star Brian.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff explains to the new arrivals that fire represents their life on the island, and Jon's eyes gleam with psycotic lust as he stares into the flames. Jeff asks him how its going so far and Jon giggles, "Awesome. Awesome awesome awesome. Good time." Jeff asks heatedly, "Are you loaded!?" and when Jon laughingly admits it, Jeff quakes in outrage that the sacred Tribal Council Grounds have been so defiled. When Michelle smiles, "We are all such good friends in this tribe, we're all REALLY close because we've been through SO much together!" Sandra practically bites through her lip so's not to scream at her, while the targeted Christa just rolls her eyes. Jeff is suspicious about today's challenge, and wonders if it was fixed, but the Drake's don't fess up. Christa insists, somewhat plausibly, "It's only fair, man. We've all come all this way to like, take part in this totally awesome adventure and like, we should all get to play, man." But this isn't AYSO Soccer, this is Survivor, and Jeff isn't fooled. He asks Burton if never losing and thus never being able to vote anyone out is a double-edged sword. Burton nods, "It's great to win immunity, because then nobody leaves, but if you can't get rid of anyone, you can't control the game." It's almost sad how clueless he is. Almost. Jeff asks Jon what he's basing his vote on and Jon jokes, "By what the astrological signs tell me." "And is that a respectful way to treat someone you've lived with for 12 days?" I'm trying to remember the last time Jeff Probst had this much contempt for a contestant. Seems to me he didn't have much use for Africa's Silas or Boston Rob...or am I just projecting here?

Burton goes out in a close 5-2 vote--Frat Bat Shawn turns on Burton, maybe just so that he can be Batman all the time and Burton can be Robin. Jon keeps doing this thing like he's flashing gang signs--what the hell is up with that? Burton huffs, "Well, I would certainly do the same thing if I was ever in competition with anyone as strong and attractive as I am--though such a concept is difficult to imagine. They're gonna have trouble winning challenges without ME." Yeah, they might have won today's Immunity if you hadn't decided to sit out, dumb ass. Burton goes out in 13th place, an unlikely number that has proven MOST unlucky for Survivor's black women. Season One's Ramona (the puker), Africa's Linda (the passive-aggressive hugger), Thailand's Ghandia (the accuser) and the Amazon's Joanna (the praiser) were all ousted in this slot. This was also the pivotal week that Tina and Colby left evil Jerri to save Keith and oust her stooge, Mitch. In Marquesas, A tribe shake-up separated evil Boston Rob from his "ace in the hole," the buxom Sarah, who was eliminated. Have you all seen Colby's razor commercial?? Yummy. If he and Ethan are both in the upcoming Clash of the Survivor Titans, I will be severely torn between imaginary boyfriends. Next week: Rupert saves Morgan from themselves but can he break the curse of the Drake Sox? Until then, peace out :D

Christine