Survivor 7.1 Ahoy! I spy another great season :D

Hey Hey Hey! We're off to another FANTASTIC start: Survivor, P.I. (Pearl
Islands) rocks so far, with some nifty twists, a fun pirate theme and
kick-ass logo, a spectacular Caribbean locale, bizarre contestant behavior
and lots and lots of cool and horrible characters to root for and against
in the coming weeks :) What more could you want?

FAME-SEEKERS OVERBOARD

The season starts with the still adorable Jeff Probst telling us in secret
that the Survivors we see lounging in the ship's hold THINK they're on
their way to take publicity photos but NO! :D The game has started and
they're in for even more surprises! No one's talking to one another
because that's the protocol--no one's allowed to meet until they're tribed
up. After the credits roll, everyone sits on deck in the clothes they wore
on the plane trip to Panama--some of the men are in nice business suits,
some of the women are in sandals (which you SHOULDN'T wear on a plane in
case of an emergency, fyi) and 50 year-old Lillian is in a Boy Scoutmaster
uniform. Everyone's in a good mood, and then Jeff lays it on them, "We're
throwing you overboard with only the clothes on your back!" The newest
Survivors all seem to take it with good humor--they've all claimed to be
"ready for anything" on their application forms, after all, but Sandra
seems pissed and reveals later, "When he told us that I was like, OH SH**!"
That's more like it!

Jeff tells them all he took the liberty of going through their bags and
pulling out all their tennis shoes, then he makes them surrender all their
personal items--wallets, watches, jewelry they don't want lost, ala
sorority artifacts that have been passed down from the 1990's etc. Osten,
the Boston stock broker who listed "boozin' with the fellas" as one of his
hobbies, lives up to that statement by having to handover several bottles
of liquor. Then they're split into two tribes the old-fashioned way, with
boys and girls on both teams, assigned by CBS (before last season's girl
vs. boy start, Thailand's Jake and Jan picked their own teams). The orange
team is named Morgan for Welsh buccaneer Henry Morgan, and the blue team
(its a very greeny blue, if you ask me) is named Drake for Sir Francis
Drake. It's the first time the names have been easy to remember and
pronounceable, so kudos. As the names are called off, we get little
inserts of some of the competitors, and scruffy slacker Jon (wearing a wool
cap to the freaking Tropics, mind you) grins, "I go by the moniker Jonny
Fairplay--I don't play fair." Um. Okay. I swear I rewound that three or
four times, but it never did make any sense. I think Jon should go by the
moniker, "Jonny Not Funny," but we'll get to that later. Osten is thrilled
to have the lovely Tijuana on his team; he declares her "a Nubian
Princess," and then explains to CBS's largely white audience that means
she's hot.

Before they "walk the plank," the Survivors are given even more bad news:
there will be no food or tools or supplies of any kind waiting for them at
camp. Instead, each tribe gets 100 Balboas (roughly $100 bucks) in order
to buy the items they need, as it is market day in the tiny fishing village
they will soon be swimming to. They can also barter using their clothes
and the personal items they chose not to give Jeff. They will also need to
hire a boat to take them from the village to their islands--this year, each
tribe gets its own island! :D Neat! Everyone jumps from the boat and
struggles to shore with their shoes in a life ring that is clutched by
some, while others paddle ahead. Osten says, "Like all black "Survivor"
contestants before me, I'm not a very good swimmer." Gigantic and hirsute
Rupert, who really does resemble Hagrid of "Harry Potter" fame, complains
that his heavy "dress jeans" weighed him down and exhausted him, though he
looks like someone who might have gotten exhausted irregardless of what he
was wearing, no offense to him. He takes the pirate theme to heart and
steals the sandals and shoes left in Morgan's life ring when they choose to
leave it unguarded. Arrrr! (yeah, I'm gonna leave the pirate speak to the
CBS official web site. And you're welcome.)

MARKET CLASH

Once on the island, Ryan S, or Nerd Ryan, is dismayed when the Morgan
morons fail to gather and form some sort of plan. Instead, they scramble
around like headless yelly chickens, annoying the locals. Ryan O., or Cute
Ryan, runs all over looking to hire a boat, but can't get an estimate
because he's neglected to bring a map. Osten sells off all his clothes for
money for the tribe, revealing his red boxer briefs which say "buzzed" on
the backside--how charming. He pulls aside several of his female teammates
to discuss "strategy" and offends them by suggesting they flash their boobs
to some of the "horny old men" on the island for cash, "He didn't even know
our NAMES," huffs ever-indignant Nicole. Meanwhile, Drake is doing much
better, largely due to the fact that Sandra is on their team and as Jonny
Not Funny tells us, she has the "amazing" talent of speaking "the
language." The language, or lengua as it were, is Spanish, which I have to
assume some of these people have been exposed to in high school if nothing
else. Mi Espanol es muy mal porque yo no lo hablo en mucho anos. But if I
knew I was going to Panama for a month, I'd brush up on it--I'd at least
learn words like "boat," (barco? I'm not sure but if I were going to
Panama, I'd be sure!) which is beyond Cute Ryan when he attempts to find
one.

Sandra's value isn't just in her being bilingual, it's in her being
friendly and out-going in her dealings with the townspeople (inappropriate
comments aside, Osten is also pretty good in this regard). She takes
Jeff's words to heart and knocks on doors, crashes barbeques, and has fun.
She trades one simple gold necklace for a BBQ chicken feast, a load of
tinfoil, some knifes, some pots and a cutting board! At the local market,
the Drake tribe befriends the local market owner, a woman who becomes so
captivated by Trish's blue eyes that Sandra worries for Trish's virtue,
but it's Morgan's Tijuana who almost throws down with the local woman when
she is accused of trying to steal a pot. Tijuana's hollering match with
the shopkeeper causes Nicole to muse, "Tijuana got overexcited about
everything and she really annoyed me--to the point where I may become so
consumed with wanting her out of the tribe I might just sabotage my own
chances at a million dollars." The fracas blows over and Tijuana wins--but
when she sees how much more stuff the Drake tribe managed to rustle up, she
admits, "I was pissed. They took their time and we didn't and it
showed--and we never should have traded our life raft for those magic
beans!" In fact, she and her fellow morons actually have money left
over--an almost unforgivable blunder. Sandra beams, "We got a lot of
stuff," without pointing out that she was largely responsible for her
team's success, while tribemate Shawn boasts, "Before everyone went into
town, I co-opted about 40 Balboas which I felt would secure us a ride to
our island." Oooh, goody for you Shawn--the Moron's got one for 35 and no
one had to play Class Treasurer. This is BY FAR the hunkiest "Survivor"
ever, by the way, with Ryan O., Andrew, Osten, Shawn and Burton all looking
quite fetching sans shirts and in some cases sans shorts, but the last
three are all airport-bar frat-house boiler-room type guys. I like Andrew
and cute Ryan a little better, even though they're also rather smug.

HABITAT FOR INSANITY

Morgan arrives on their island, and immediately gets all-business, which is
a disappointment to Nerd Ryan, who wanted to laugh and cheer and take a few
minutes to bask in the fact that he has finally graduated the Yahoo! Groups
Survivor Chatroom and is now an actual participant. The group starts
looking for an ideal place for the shelter and when Osten starts running up
and down the beach Baywatch-style, Nerd Ryan complains he's doing it to
show-off his physique. Lillian gets started on the fire and confides,
"It's REALLY hard for me to take off the Scoutmaster hat," meaning she's
trying not to boss everyone around I guess, but she also seems WAY into
being a scout. WAY. Like WAY TOO. The Morons find a high shale wall and
decide to lean some big bamboo poles against it: Voila! Insta-Shelter!
Then a huge chunk of rock falls to the ground so they decide to move to--oh
wait, nevermind. I was thinking about what smart people might do. Yeah,
they go right on with their falling-shale, lie right on the ground,
half-assed lean-to shelter. Cuz they're dumb.

Elsewhere, at Drake's island, the team shares the group-hug celebrational
moment that Nerd Ryan so desperately missed. Then Burton and Shawn, who
are pretty much a male-version of last season's insufferably vain Heidi and
Jenna, start bossing everyone around as the group gathers water, wood and
starts in on the shelter. Shawn explains, "Burton and I get along because
we both have strong personalities, GREAT bodies, and we're a little smarter
than everyone else here, let's face it, doll (you can tell Shawn's the type
of guy who calls every girl he encounters "doll" and thinks they think it's
sexy when in fact it's played out and overly familiar)" The group gets
along well, for the most part, though resentments are sown by the
hard-working but insensitive Burton, who cracks open a coconut but chooses
to share it's refreshing milk with only Shawn and Michelle (no opinion on
soft-spoken Michelle yet) despite the fact that a thirsty Sandra, Christie
and Jon are standing right there. Later, self-absorbed Shawn amuses Burton
at Rupert's expense when he jokes about food that gets caught in his beard.
The big man takes it in stride, "We're a strong team, but everyone's gonna
start hating those two guys--the dynamic duo--who're posturing, tryin' ta
be the leader." Word. Hopefully they'll get into a fist-fight over which
one of them is Batman and which one is Robin.

The Drake tribe goes to their water well as a team, and gets attacked my
mosquitoes. No one thought to get bug repellant at Trish's girlfriend's
store, and they're paying the price. Jonny not Funny brags, "The
mosquitoes don't like me as much they like the rest of the tribe, heh heh,"
yeah, maybe they're on to something there. Then he laughs, "Shawn's back
looks like the moon...eh, heh, only uh, in reverse," because Jon the comic
genius couldn't come up with something bumpy to compare him to.

Meanwhile, the Morons haven't looked closely enough at their map to realize
they HAVE been provided with a clean water source. Instead, they go
running all over the island willy-nilly, depleting themselves. They find a
dirty stream that resembles Survivor: Africa's water sources (I think that
was the only time CBS didn't provide clean water, and it was a dysaster)
but no one wants to drink it. Andrew earns secure-in-his-manhood points
for asking scoutmaster Lil for her thoughts on where to find water, and
actually listening even though she's not super-helpful. That night, the
Morons sleep on the sand as the rock wall above them continues to
deteriorate and rain debris all over their fragile shelter. Then they are
attacked by bitey hermit crabs and what jumpy city-slicker Osten imagines
to be a snake (it's really a wind-blown vine). No one gets much sleep.

Drake spends it's first night on their island getting drunk on really cheap
wine. Jonny Not Funny says, "I traded a pair of mismatched shoes for this
rot gut wine--isn't that hilarious? It was a real priority for me!" Since
being perceived as "The Fun Guy" is Jon's strategy, you can see where
alcohol WOULD be a major priority--you'd have to be REALLY drunk and/or
stoned to think Jon is amusing. He cackles, "If we were 17 we'd SO be
naked right now," and as all the women trade uncomfortable looks he howls,
"WHERE ARE THE TEENAGE GIRLS!?" The Frat Bats think it's incredibly funny,
because they're WASTED but drug-counselor Rupert shakes his head, "Jon's
like a lot of the dumb teenage boys I mentor. They just pop off all the
time, sayin' whatever dumb thing comes into their heads." Jon continues,
"Trish the Dish. You piss her off she can be a bitch." This is a
HIGHLIGHT, folks. As the night wears on, yammering Jon begins to wear on
the nerves of all the girls, even pal Christie but especially Sandra who
complains, "I can't stand him, he talks to much crap all the time. He
thinks it's cute but it isn't, it's already old." Word UP, sister!

The morning finds the Drakes in grumpy spirits, as their cumbersome clothes
begin to chafe and stink. Rupert's complaints about how his heavy jeans
are irritating his groin area is merely the beginning of one crotcherific
episode of Survivor. Christie cuts up her dress into several garments,
including a skirt for an ecstatic Rupert who vows never to don the jeans
again. Jon calls Rupert "blackbeard" as though it's the funniest thing
he's ever said. Well, in all fairness, maybe it is. Burton and Shawn go
out to fish and when Shawn asks Burton if he's ever used the spear gun
before, Burton huffs, "OF COURSE!" as though his manhood was called into
question. Shawn relates the tale of how Burton caught a fish in such a way
that it sounds like he had something to do with it, but he really didn't.
While the Frat Bats are basking in the glow of their one fish, Rupert goes
out and catches six more. A threatened Burton pouts, "He's gonna hurt
himself." Rupert, who plans to be a workhorse and caretaker for the tribe
is having too much fun to really care. When he skewers a catfish he
marvels, "A salt-water catfish--I didn't they made such a animal!" Rupert
rules :)

Back at Morgan, the Moron's all have a good laugh when Tijuana FINALLY
reads the map and sees that there is a CBS-provided water well not too far
from camp. While the others begin moving their shelter away from the
shaky-shale Hermit Crab Hilton, Nerd Ryan and Nerd Scoutmaster Lil trek to
the well. Lil is fretful over the fact that her blouse is open a few
buttons and tied at her waste--a major uniform code violation. Yeah,
again, WAY TOO. She also feels she doesn't fit in with the younger girls.
Nerd Ryan doesn't fit in with the athletic guys so the two form an alliance
of outcasts. Physically, Nerd Ryan is kinda a cross between Timothy
McVeigh and Shia Le Bouf. I think he's a full-on "Survivor" geek so I'm
kinda pulling for him. Lil's a little weird and whiny but she has the
potential of being another Krazy Kath so I'm rooting for her too.

THE GREAT FULL FRONTAL IMMUNITY FIASCO OF 2003

I messed up in my Survivor Amazon Finale Review and did an Immunity Haiku
in a Limerick season--please forgive me. This is indeed a Haiku season.
Ahem:

At least those dumb girls
got to eat candy when they
showed off their goodies

The Survivors are all giddy at the arrival of their first tree mail poem.
The Moron's decide to elect 40-year old Andrew as their leader, much to
Nerd Ryan's dismay. Andrew comments on Osten's droopy drawers, which keep
sagging to reveal his butt-crack. When Osten tells him he might take them
off completely if they fall down during the race, Cute Ryan and Andrew
pledge to do the same as a sign of solidarity. Hokay.

The challenge is a brutal obstacle race, in which the teams have to lug and
dismantle and reassemble a heavy canon through a difficult course. One
person from each team gets to carry a flag and another a torch, while the
others push and pull and wheeze and wail. The Immunity Idol is a big ol'
axe with a skull on top--it rocks! The race is off and Drake takes the
early lead, with Morgan right on their heels the whole way. Osten's loose
boxers keep slipping so he delivers on his promise and takes them off and
Andrew and Cute Ryan quickly follow birthday suit. This GREATLY agitates
the Drake men--at one point Burton bursts though a series of wooden planks
in Incredible-Hulkian fury. I think he was afraid he might go gay just by
seeing another man's privates. Of course, we don't see anything because
it's obscured for television which is a little silly in the case of Osten's
butt-crack. Maybe I'm childish but I happen to think butt's are neither
sexy nor offensive and just really really funny but this is 8pm, the family
hour, so the full moons remain clouded over. What was really gross to me
was the guys wore their stinky underpants around their necks, yee! Being
unencumbered does little for the Morons, who pull ahead briefly only to be
passed in the final feet of the race by the demure Drakes. As they shriek
with glee Shawn shouts, "And we didn't have to get naked!"

Back at camp, the Drakes can't stop talking about the unexplained Morgan
nudity (remember they know nothing about Osten's saggy shorts and the silly
pact). The Frat Bats keep insisting they were disgusted by it while
teasingly implying that Michelle was intrigued by it in a very bizarre
attempt at flirting, I think. Rupert thinks it was stupid and dangerous,
Sandra wishes one of their "ding-a-lings got caught on a vine or
something." But all of them are glad they won't be voting anyone out
tonight.

The Morons aren't so lucky. The deflated team returns to camp and Coach
Andrew gives a pretty stock loser speech, "That sucked. We learn from it,
and we move on and we never forget how cocky they were when they won." Hey,
be fair, Andrew. You guys were pretty cocky yourselves ;) Now the team
must focus on who to eliminate. Darrah (a pretty, southern mortician who's
yet to make any impression) is discussing this with Tijuana and Nicole when
Andrew and Cute Ryan approach them and ask who they think should go, which
obviously doesn't bode well for those NOT in this fivesome. The girls are
leaning towards odd-bird Lil, who is the oldest tribe member. "She works
hard, but we can do everything she's doing once we get rid of her," Tijuana
asserts. Andrew chuckles, "Well did you notice what WE noticed about
Skinny Ryan during the challenge?" Tijuana is confused, "Um...he didn't
expose and humiliate himself?" Andrew and Cute Ryan think that "limp
noodle" Nerd Ryan slacked off and quit during the race, but none of the
women feel strongly about it. They're still leaning toward Lil.

Their outsider status is of course no mystery to out-of-any-loop Ryan S.
and Lil. It speaks well of both contestants that they KNOW it's probably
going to be one of them ousted and yet they choose to encourage one another
rather than lobby against. Survivor-savvy Nerd Ryan insists to the fretful
Lil, "Hang in there--this game changes EVERY day. Don't quit until your
torch goes out!"

Sure enough, for no logical reason, Nicole decides to enlist Lil in a plot
to oust Tijuana because Tijuana "gets on her nerves." First Rule of
Survivor in my opinion is that if the vote looks like it's going against
anyone BUT you, you go with that flow. Instead, Nicole decide to stir
things up because she thinks Tijuana is "too excitable." This may be
something to file away and build on should Tijuana go on to rub others the
wrong way later. But Nicole KNOWS that the boys want to oust Nerd Ryan and
that Darrah and Tijuana are thinking about Lil. She knows she'd have to
sway three or four people onto a completely different path in the span of a
few hours. It is asinine for her to bring up ousting Tijuana to Lil. Lil
doesn't have any problems with Tijuana, except she thinks her name is
Tawanda, so she tells the boys what Nicole said to her, Andrew tells
Tijuana who's already been told by Nicole that LIL initiated the move
against her. Andrew thinks that's ridiculous, and wonders if Lil is even
capable of telling a lie (also, in a game of Reverse Telephone, in Andrew's
version of the story Lil knows that Tijuana isn't named Tawanda). So
Tijuana confronts Nicole in her shouty, pointy, excitable way, claiming
that she can't trust Nicole, who stammers, "I'm not lying to you, I'm not
trying to get rid of you...tonight, anyway, but hypothetically speaking,
the way you're acting towards me is the reason a person might think about
voting you out!" Darrah moves slowly away from the doomed Nicole.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

This season, Tribal Council takes place in a cool old fort. Fire
represents life, etc. etc. Jeff starts off on the nekkid boys, "It's
pretty stupid to get naked and win, it's downright mortifying to do it and
then lose. Regrets?" Osten insists, "Absolutely NOT. We did it, it's in
the past and we move on!" Then he hangs his head with shame and starts
crying. When Jeff asks Nicole if she's made any friendships she replies,
"You can't trust anyone out here, Jeff. Already I've seen people who seem
cheerful on the surface turn defensive when they find out you're plotting
behind their back." Osten gives a big "You're going DOWN, girl," eyeroll.
Jeff gives Lil yet another chance to prove she's WAY TOO into being a Boy
Scoutmaster, but she earns her Tribe Politics badge when she praises Andrew
for his excellent leadership--especially his willingness to listen.
Tijuana nods in agreement. Jeff asks Chief Andrew if anyone's not pulling
their weight and he calls out Nerd Ryan, and both Osten and Cute Ryan react
with some surprise--I interpret this as either shock at Andrew's harshness
or dismay that Andrew's tipping his hand, revealing that he wants Ryan S.
out. Nerd Ryan responds, "I know there's been some talk that I haven't
been giving 110% percent and for the record, I want it known that I have
been giving 120%. I'd also like to point out that both of those numbers
are statistically dubious." Nicole votes for Nerd Ryan, saying simply
"You're the only person I know others are voting for," which turns out to
be untrue. Nicole makes the classic Survivor blunder of outwitting oneself
and is gone in a 7-1 landslide. She is the first woman voted out first
since Survivor: Africa. She joins Sonya who fell, Deb who yelled, Diane
who puked, Peter who unnerved, John who bossed and Ryan who slacked.
Nicole acknowledges her stupidity in her exit speech, "I knew coming in
that I would either be the first one out or I'd win the million dollars. I
know from past experiences that I can't for the life of me keep my mouth
shut." Hasta Luego, loser!

Next Week: Rupert yells at Frat Bat Shawn, and one of the Morons becomes a
big whiny baby--what, only one? See ya Thursday! :D