Survivor 7.6 The reason we watch this dang show? Episodes like this! :D

BALBOA, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

The Drakes return from Tribal Council, and Trish comments on how classy Michelle was in her exit, and Rupert agrees. Everyone comments on how pointed Jeff was in questioning, Trish marvels, "It's almost like he has cameras and microphones in our camp," and Rupert apologizes, "I hope I didn't offend none uh ya, when I told the truth about what a bunch o' idiots ya were for throwing the challenge." "OH NO! WE HEART YOU RUPERT," the others insist. Rupert is ticked that the others still don't really believe they did anything wrong by giving Morgan some victory mojo when Drake had them on the ropes. Then he confides in little Balboa the snake that he wishes he'd voted out Shawn rather than Michelle. "At the beginnin' everyone knew a Drake was gonna win this. Now, it is in doubt," Rupert claims. Oh Rupert, no true scholar of this game was as confident in your future success as you. the next morning, Balboa is found dead in his little sack and Rupert cries, "It's a hard world." Shawn shakes his head, "Rupert has compassion for other living things. I don't understand such things but, that's Rupert! Ya gotta love it!"

BIG WHINY OSTEN: AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ALL MANKIND

A big ol' sea bird lands at Morgan Beach and begins attacking their orange team flag. Rhino has a way with animals and has a lot of fun talking to the bird he dubs "Pelican Pete" while the rest of the team laughs, enjoying the scene. When Rhino goes to the shelter, the bird waddles in and jumps on top of the sleeping area, apparently not wanting to be separated from Rhino (an instinct that I understand). The only perosn NOT having fun with all this is that big whiny baby Osten, who incurs the wrath of Tijuana when he tries to hit Pete with a stick to keep him away from him, "I'm gonnuh chahp that buhd's head ahf with a machete, I ain't playin' around!" Darrah drawls, "Ah think it's ralh funny thet Osten's lahk this big ol' guy but he's a' scared of every lil' buuug, y'all." Osten sniffs, "This wasn't a BUG, it's a BUHD! I don't LIKE animals, I have been bitten by them on more than one occasion and the next thing that bites me is GOIN' DOWN!!!" Then Osten tries to...psyche the bird out? I guess?? By sharpening a knife and glaring at his feathered nemisis. Andrew is peeved, "I was quite frankly embarrassed. It's JUST this sort of thing that will cause logical, pacifist beings like the Vulcans to want to keep us out of the United Federation of Planets in years to come, I'm just saying." Rhino makes sure the bird leaves camp without incident.

JONNY THROW FIT

Rupert wants to try to raise the shelter off the ground by another couple inches, to try to control the bug and crab bites they're getting at night. No one really wants to do it, but Rupert decrees it be so and then shirkin' Shawn wonders, "Could we maybe do this later when it's not as hot or after we eat, I mean, I don't think it's gonna do us any good anyway and we need our strength for the challenge, am I right?" Jon flips out and starts tearing the shelter apart himself and screaming "Shut UP!" and Shawn retorts, "Dude, YOU shut up," "No SHUT UP!" "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP," and this goes on for several scintillating minutes until Rupert leads the apoplectic Jon away to cool off. Sandra tells us, "I was glad that Jon put Shawn his place--and after all of Shawn's excuses, he wound up doing almost all the work himself. That dude's gotta realize that he ain't nobody's buddy here. He needs to work hard or he's gonna be going home."

BORING BBQ REWARD CHALLENGE

The Reward Challenge is for a BBQ grill, some spices, some lobsters and some steaks. The tribes have to shoot cannons at these painted foam ceiling tiles, which sadly do NOT shatter when they're hit. Instead they make a little "pock" noise and there's a little eensy hole in them--it's very unsatisfying and Drake wins. As usual, Jon visibly gloats at the demoralized Morgan's, who's win streak is stopped at 3. The Drakes have a big partay which Sandra decrees is "da bomb." The only cool thing about watching it was that Burnett and Co. brought back my FAVORITE Survivor background music, the "la la la la la la la la la" interlude jam from Survivor: Africa. Call me if you don't remember it, and I'll do it for you. It RULES! :D

JON SCREWS HIMSELF, BECAUSE HE'S AN ASS

Jon is this week's designated looter and he cannot contain his evil glee, "I'm gonna have fun, man. Their morale is like, waaaay low and Jonny Fairplay is gonna stomp on whatever morale remains so that when it's immunity time, heh heh....they uh...won't have any left." I SWEAR Jon has found some shrooms on that island--homeboy looks STONED out of his mind most of the time. Andrew and Tijuana are their usual diplomatic selves as they grit and grind their teeth in a effort to looked happy at Jon's arrival. Tijuana mutters, "He's an irritant--he's rude," before breaking out into her biggest fake smile and giving him a bear hug. Andrew refers to Jon behind his back as "Little Jon," then "Big Jon" to his face, hee hee. Or course, Osten is off sulking somewhere. Things start off well as Jon rather humbly reveals that the Drake's want Morgan's food pot as a preemptive strike in case Morgan tries to take THEIR pot--which came off lame to me since this is the SECOND pot Drake has looted from Morgan but, whatever. Andrew is surprised they don't want the shower and Jon says, "Nah--but I'd LOVE to wash my hair," and Andrew is more than happy to give him some shampoo as a good-will gesture. It's all going along nicely...

Then Jon claims that he's been nicer at that challenges and Andrew shrugs, "I don't mind anyone talking smack. I'm a man, I can take it. But you gotta understand how hard it is to lose SIX straight challenges." Jon smirks back, "Well, TECHNICALLY it was seven--we LET you get your first win so that WE could get rid of Burton. That's right, you didn't win nuthin', NUTHIN, see? It was all part of MY plan--how else can you explain me not kickin' anyone's azz? Now excuse my while I wash my hair, suckers!" As he's laughingly explaining this to them Rhino and Darrah smile tightly whilst Andrew and Tijuana frown--it's as much anger as the starving and exhausted Morgan's can muster at the moment. Andrew doesn't believe for a second that the contest was thrown, "We one fair and square and that little bastard comes over here to try and take that away from us!? That little pissant thinks he can come over here and ruffle our feather--NO, Osten, the pelican isn't back! I'm talking to the camera and using a metaphor...YES, I'll try to refrain from using animal-related metaphor's in the future now get out from under that fishing net! Anyway, AMERICA, to quote the great Tina from Survivor: Outback, "Let the games begin!" Jon's decision to goad the Morgan's by revealing Drake's (dumb) move illustrates why Jon is not the Richard Hatch-like puppet master he claims to be. Hatch waited until AFTER he won the million to point out how stupid he thought everyone else was but he was more than happy to let the others believe they were running the game until then. In his effort to appear in control of the game at all times, Jon has not only compromised his present tribe by blabbing this volatile Intel, he's perhaps irrevocably alienated 5 potential members of his new, MERGED tribe--and (God forbid, but) his jury.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

whatever Osten
all that really matters is
Andrew freaking rules

The tribes gather for the Immunity game and Darrah frowns as if to say, "Thet gal ain't raht" when Christa reveals her bug-eaten face and babbles, "Yeah, man, I'm just pretending they're like, new freckles, man." The challenge calls for three members of each tribe (Morgan's Andrew, Osten and Rhino, Drake's Christa, Rupert and Shawn) to stand on a platform with a wood bar resting on across their shoulders. Two members of the other tribe then decide how to allocate a series of weights, in attempt to get the weight-bearers to quit or fall down. Tijuana and Darrah focus on eliminating Drake's strongest member first, and load up on Rupert, while Trish and Jon attack Osten. Both men do pretty well and then Jeff says, "It's gonna come down to WILL," and on cue, Osten drops his weight and is out. What the hell is the point of all those muscles if you're to mentally weak to push through discomfort and to chicken to stand near a bird? Osten sucks. Trish jumps up and down all gloaty-like but it's short-lived as Rupert is knocked out as well. Trish and Jon focus on Andrew and Jon taunts, "We're breaking him right here," which is not even close to the truth. Andrew takes more and more weight and in his eyes? Eye of the Tiger, baby. Jon and Trish are floored when Shawn drops out, leaving only Christa for the Morgan's to load up. She manages to bear 140 pounds for some time--the weight that broke Osten--but finally buckles. Morgan Wins! :D Andrew collapses and cries, Tijuana kneels down to kiss his forward and cries, Rhino cries, I cry. Jeff gives Andrew some well-deserved props and then turns a mocking eyebrow to the Drakes, "I KNOW you weren't planning on going to Tribal Council THIS time, but I'll see ya tonight." It was such a perfect moment--I only wish that one of the Morgan's had gotten in Jon's grill and yelled, "Did you throw this challenge too, Fairplay?" Alas, they were too classy for such antics, and I had to do it by myself, standing on my couch.

BALBOA: NOT THE ONLY SNAKE IN DRAKE

Everyone's pissed at Shawn for quitting so easily and he shrugs, "Listen guys, I should have held on longer and I apologize. I'm gonna go sulk." Rupert is beside himself, "I want him OFF my island, and I want him out of MY adventure!" Yeah, again, WAY TOO. He goes fishing, leaving Trish, Jon and Sandra alone to their own devices and it turns out on of Trish's devices is a pointy knife that's just perfect for backstabbing. Trish and Jon are understandably concerned with the potential Rupert MAY have to switch over to the Morgans if there's a merge. Trish fishes, "You know, there's a certain hirsute 8-foot spear-fishing machine with a LOT of power right now, I'm just saying is all." Jon is ALL over it, "Boy, you said it Trish. I could NOT agree more, man." Trish is pleased, "I love Roop, but something doesn't feel right here....wait...is that my conscience? Nah, can't be, I say we get rid of Rupert." "All RIGHT! Sounds AWESOME, man," Jon enthuses. Sandra, who's frowned silently nearby the entire time offers, "Christa won't go for it." THAT'S her contribution to the plot, which doesn't concern Trish, "We don't need her--we'll get Shawn, it's a slam dunk." Sandra is pleased as punch with herself as she tells us, "The more we plotted the better I felt, the better Jon felt and the better Sandra felt." I don't know what Trish thinks she saw in Sandra, however, because all Sandra did was sit there all frowny-faced. Trish insists they tell Shawn, "At the very last minute--we'll tell him he's been saved from certain doom and he'll be in our debt for the rest of the game! This is the BIG SHOCK of the game, let me tell ya. Rupert going instead of Shawn, woo boy, I'm getting dizzy just basking in it!"

Well. Trish and Jon go off by themselves so that Sandra is alone when Christa returns and Sandra, bless her heart, spills ALL to Christa, who then informs Rupert that the plan has changes and that Jon and Trish are gunning for him. Rupert is not only betrayed, he's annoyed at their short-sightedness, "They don' even know if a merge is gonna happen!" Rupert beats Jon to the punch by asking Shawn to vote out Trish. Shawn chuckles, "I was bummed because I thought I was going to be next but it turns out that was NEVER gonna happen and the plan was to get rid of Rupert--so now he wants me on HIS side, heh heh, we'll SEE." Shawn is inexplicably drunk with power. YEs, he has options, but voting with Jon and Trish only forces a tie, while voting with the others is a sure thing--Trish is out and he lives to fight another day. I think Shawn's mind was made up before Jon approached him on the beach to tell him the vote was going against Rupert. "Where'd THAT come from?" Shawn gasps in well-feigned surprise. Jon talks of Rupert's power and invincibility in both challenges and in a final vote. Jon claims that Shawn is the person he trusts most in the game and Shawn, perhaps remembering Jon's arrogance when he ousted Burton and called attention to Shawn's part in that vote, looksd right in Jon's face as they head back to camp and smils, "I think everyone's gonna be shocked at the vote tonight, dude. EVERYONE." Jon doesn't get it.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff welcomes the once-mighty Drake tribe to their third-in-a-row Tribal Council, "You cocky bastards couldn't out-last those starving Morgans and you still have a belly full of steak!" Sandra agrees with Jeff's indictment Drake, while Christa deflects his praise of her strength, "Yeah, but I still dropped the pole, man. It was a total bummer." Jeff asks Rupert why he looks suicidal and Rupert sniffs, "I'm ready to cry, Jeff. We shouldn't BE here. We started off so strong and now all our power is gone. Plus, my pet snake died and I might be voted off. They see me as unneeded now thet thar's gonna be a merge an' I keep tellin' 'em there might NOT be a merge and I guess catching breakfast lunch and dinner for these ungrateful creeps don' mean a thing neither. I know at least half of this tribe wants me GONE." Trish frowns, no doubt thinking, "At LEAST half? We've got MORE than half, that's our whole plan--" Jeff interrupts her reverie, "Trish, are you surprised to hear Rupert talk like this?" "Well, YEAH, it was supposed to be a SECRET plan...I mean, that is to say, I'm just really sad to hear my good ol' buddy ol' pal Rupert sound so depressed. I had no clue he felt that way." Rupert quakes with rage while Sandra and Christa glare and roll their eyes. Jon and Shawn take in the whole scene with grins plastered to their faces: Shawn because he knows what's about to happen, and Jon because he THINKS he knows what's gonna happen. Jeff asks Sandra if SHE might be going and she replies in her usual frank manner, "Oh I KNOW it ain't me. The person who's getting voted out tonight is the person who LEAST expects it and it'll be sad to se them go but it has to happen for the good of the tribe, yo." Again, everyone laughs for different reasons.

In the voting booth, Jon cackles to Rupert, "The million dollar man always gets his way," while Christa declares that Trish that, "Hey man, you have no idea of how to play this game." Trish plays it all "gee I'm so sorry" telling Rupert he's got to much power, while Rupert calls Trish out for being spineless and two-faced. Shawn DOES cast his vote for Trish, inexplicably claiming "It's MY game now," as though it was mighty Trish and not his own dumb choices and weasel-like personality that's been standing in his way the whole time. Trish is out in a stunner, 4-2. Jon's look of genuine shock and dismay--perhaps the first GENUINE emotion we've seen from him was the kind of thing not only makes reality television worth watching, but makes life itself a little sweeter. Trish exits with a few shreds of dignity as she laughs, "You GOT me!" with fake good-sportsmanship. Trish joins other 11th place finishers Joel and Michael, the only non-winner to NOT be voted out of Survivor, he just got on fire and had to leave. Also gone this week: foul-tempered self-proclaimed bad-ass Lindsay, aspiring Alaska diner-owner Gina, Dumbb Robb and sickly and boy-crazy Shawna.

Tonight is the hardest ouster to anticipate: The tribes have merged at this point in every previous season, except in Thailand where they moved in together but didn't become one tribe. There's also a twist involving the ousted contestants but I refuse to accept that Burnett would give the losers another chance at the million. If he does, I'm OUT. If there's a merge, look for Morgan to target Shawn and Drake to target Osten (even though they SHOULD be aiming at Rupert and Andrew). Peace Out! Christine :D