Survivor 5.10 Penny Lame (and clip show)

Unrelated question: anyone know why SCIFI network was showing "Braveheart"?

Fearless Prediction: A stupid person is going to win Survivor. It's practically a sure thing as these people are all very stupid, though if Helen or Ted somehow win, it will probably mean they wised up...which seems unlikely at this point but hey, *fingers crossed,* it could happen.

Morning at Chewing Hard and Ted is Lexishly sulking, "Waaah! I didn't expect to get any votes! Waaah! Maybe the Sucks don't like me! Waah!" I mean, getting votes can't feel good but they don't even count against you anymore in a tie so who the frick cares? Jake approaches him and says, "Shoot, we honestly didn't know who to vote for, but, duh, we all three had to vote the same against *somebody* if we had a chance of turning the tide." "*Sniff* well, you sure did a good job at coordinating your votes, waaaaaah!" "Uh...yeah. Listen we asked everyone who we should vote for and we were all told "Ken or Ted," so we voted for you." "Says who," Ted asks. My heart leapt at the idea of Jake being smart (I know, I know) and saying, "Well, that little runt Clay, for one." but instead Jake demurs, "Well...I'd rather not say at this stage, you know, my dumbass strategy and all." Jake asks Ted to keep their conversation private and Ted shrugs, "You did what you did *sniffle,* but don't worry, this'll stay between us." Ted tells us that he and Jake are both lying to each other and that's how the game is played, but actually Ted is the only one lying. Jake's just dumb.

Ted goes back to camp and shares a good laugh with his bestest Survivor buddies, Clay and Brian, "...then he said--you guys aren't gonna even believe this--he said that members of our honorable tribe told him to vote for me!" Brian shoots a nervous glance at Clay who laughs, "Hehheh, hedidn't...*happen* tosaywhotoldhimthiscompletelyimplausablelie?" "Nah, man, he said he couldn't say." "What a SNAKE!" Brian cries. Clay guffaws, "Didthatnoaccountthinkhecouldcomeovertoourtribeandtry andplaybothsides?" Brian tries to assure Ted that Chewing Gum didn't get the Sucks to cote against him, but Ted cuts him off, "Oh, Hush! I know that you guys would never do something so dastardly!" Alone, tiny, inferior Clay cackles, "ThosethreevotesputascareintoBigTedI'lltellyouwhat.
Hewon'tbelieveJakewhyshouldhewe'vebeenloyaltohimallalong." I hate Clay. Brian tells us, "I'm surprised that someone of Jake's age would resort to voting against Ted and then sucking up to him the next morning--maybe the heat and humidity is getting to grandpa, he is 60, you know. I prefer to suck up to him constantly and then manipulate others into voting against him--that's how sharks protect *their* casas."

Hey guess what? Everyone's starving. The girls stand in the water chatting about the lack of clams and crabs and Jan says, "The only thing left to eat is you-know-what!" "You-know-what" turns out to be snails and not the other tribe members, which would have been far more interesting. Paschal and Neleh seemed to really enjoy snails on the S.S. Sucked On Mint, but the girls all shudder at the thought. Pretty picky for people who are eating chicken feed, and are snails *really* all that worse than those barnacle things they've been scraping off of slimy rocks? If he of the fiery face plant, Mighty Mike the Hunter were around, Magilla would be Monkey Whoppers right now.

Reward Haiku:

Survivors ready?
another obstacle course
best get used to it

For the first part of the obstacle course, they must pick a partner and get across a series of platforms by laying boards. Jake is odd man out and eliminated at the starting line when no one pairs with him. It broke my heart and put him right back at the top my list, even if he is occasionally creepy. I need to remind myself he's going against a child-beating jerk with a Napoleon complex and a misogynist porn star. So he's a occasionally inappropriate and a braggart, so what? On the platforms, Jan takes yet another wince-inducing spill but comes out unscathed. She and Helen are eliminated in that leg and Penny, Ted, Clay and Brian compete as individuals. In a belly-crawl race, Penny is next out. The next phase is a wall that the winner must summit with help from another. Brian and Ted both help weak and helpless wittle Clay, who chooses to lift the lighter Brian over the wall. Ted is not pleased, and he becomes even more disgruntled when Brian, having won a race across a balance beam to claim the Reward, chooses runner-up Clay to accompany him on a Thai adventure.

Back at camp, Ted tells us how important it is to pay attention and gather information when you're playing "Survivor," but he and Brian bash fists and say, "West Side Story," to...confirm their loyalty? I guess? It's not "Semper Fi," or even "Eye of the Tiger," but it works for them. Ted tells us that Brian choosing Clay indicated they were closer than he first thought--please, may a seed have been planted. Brian tells us, "I have a strong bond with both Ted AND Clay, and I'm going to continue to play them against each other until I figure out which one can best serve me--being a two-faced bastard is a big part of my strategy." A speedboat comes to whisk Brian and Clay away and Clay goes on and on about how it's a date and my oh my how handsome Brian is, to the point of being not only annoying but awkward. Finally, Clay says, "He'sgottafinelookingass--
I'veseenit." So have a lot of people, Clay--that ass used to pay his bills.

Brian and Clay go on a helicopter ride which scares Brian a little. Then they go on a precarious trek through the countryside atop an elephant which scares him A LOT. Unfortunately, neither man falls to his death. Puny Clay takes great delight in Brian's fear, as it makes him feel like a bigger man. "Isn't Thailand beautiful?" "Isn't nature pretty?" "Don't we take it all for granted?" And so on...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Helen and Jake go to fetch some water. Helen tells us that the boys warned her to keep an on "the Snake," but she listens with interest to what Jake has to tell her. He worries that Brian and Clay are going to go all the way to the end if the other players don't step in and do something, and he tells her that both men have told him what their "pecking order" is. CBS hides this from us, but whatever it is, Helen says it jibes with what she's gathered. Helen and Jake both feel that she could beat Clay in the final vote but not the classy and beloved Brian (I know, I know). Jake's determined to fight to the end and Helen is suspicious of his motives. I think a move by Helen, Jan and Jake to oust Clay would be great because Brian really really really wants Ted or Clay to be ousted without his having to do the backstabbing. Helen could use Jake to oust two of the men and still have Jan and whichever boy is left team up with her to dump Jake once he's outlived his usefulness. I think you can't go in with Jake at the end because you want the Sucks to have to vote for a Gum and not Jake. Of course, Helen's quandary is that the boys will despise her for being a bitch if and when she does to them what they fully intend to do to her. If everyone thinks Brian is unbeatable at the Final vote, why not get rid of him ASAP?

Brian and Clay are served a magnificent feast, which Brian raves is, "Fit for a King--which IS fitting because I am the king. Of my castle, of my casa and of my cave." The self-satisfied men take great delight in smuggling shrimp soup and beer for the rest of the tribe, in order to curry favor. I'm at the point where just the sound of Clay's voice makes me violent. Everyone treats them like conquering heroes when they return, singing a dreadfully dissonant version of "Here Comes Santa Claus." Brian describes the scene, "They were all their waiting for us, like lost sheep longing for their masters." You know, the ONLY good thing about Brian winning the whole thing would be how freaking stupid everyone who voted for "Mr. Class." feels as they watch him say stuff like that about them. Lushy Jan raves, "I need a nipple for this canteen, *hic,* and laments having to share the smuggled booze. She's a Baby Boomer version of Ruthie from "Real World: Hawaii."

The next day, Jake and Penny compare notes on Chewing Gum and find they are both holding blank pages. And even if Penny did know anything, she wouldn't tell ol' Jake. "As it turns out, I AM the manipulative bitch ya'll keep hearin' about. Not in a particularly clever or interesting way--I'm just selfish. Jake and I *had* and alliance all the way to the end--and yeah, I made a big point of that at the Tribal Council where we got rid of that Oriental girl, but...I just *have* to turn my back on him! Nobody likes him anymore and one thing I know from being a cheerleader is that unpopularity is totally contagious." Mean ol' Brian and Ted laugh at Jake's ostracism from the tribe and Brian snickers, "Well, that's what he gets for trying to play both sides, Clay. Er, I mean, Ted." I wonder if part of the dynamic at work here is that everyone on Chewing Gum, except for Jan, was passed over by Jake when he was picking his tribe.

Dumb Clay sells stupid Penny on the fact that he's lobbying for her to be part of the final four, "Clay and I pinky swore on it, so I *know* he's telling me the truth! Pinky swears are legally binding in Texas!" Penny insists, while behind her back Clay chortles, "Itelleveryonethey'reinmyfinalfourbecauseI'malyingtwo-facedlittlesh**!" THEN he goes to Ted to brag about how he has Penny eating out of his hand, "Blah Blah, I said, blah blah blah, I said, I said and then I said blah blah blah." I hate Clay. Penny decides, "I know they want to vote Jake out, so I just have to hope he doesn't win immunity--I want to sink that knife in his back soooo bad." Penny sucks.

Immunity Haiku:

answer correctly
extinguish your neighbor's flame
Penny is so lame

So, the Survivor's have to answer some multiple choice questions about Thailand. They each have three lit torches and if they get a question right, they get to crush out somebody's torch. Clay is totally stupid and fails to answer a single question right before he's eliminated. Brian only gets one. Penny also only gets one and uses it ON JAKE! Brian scowls in disgust--and do you realize how low you have to sink to repulse a porn star? Jake just looks heartsick. Helen and Jan get the most questions right BY FAR, and Helen wins immunity--and some good will from Ted which he claims he'll remember, we'll see.

Everyone gathers around the campfire as they gather up their stuff for Tribal Council. Penny approaches Brian and Jake and says, "Jeepers Creepers, ya'll, those questions were so frightfully hard," but Brian isn't having any of it and says, "Hey, it's snuff city, right here." Jake agrees, "She just snuffed me right out, right from the beginning. She was too dumb to at least throw a vote at Ted first, just to make it look good." Penny fidgets, "Well...I knew you knew everything so...um...Helen, what were you saying earlier about the...um...lemon bars?" She tells us, "I guess I was sending Chewing Gum a message that, like Brandon in Africa, I'll pretty much betray anyone given the chance and it's not a very good idea to trust me." Helen, Clay and Brian huddle around the fire and seemingly agree to vote out Jake but then Ted comes over to whispers that Penny's more of a threat...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Ted insists that up to this point, people have been voted out for their past actions, but he fears that as the game goes on, people will get selfish because of the million dollars. NO FREAKING DUH. When Jeff asks Jake if he agrees, Jake replies, "Well, we Sucks voted out some really strong players at the beginning of the game because they were lazy and obnoxious. Now I'm just trying to develop an alliance with someone, to our mutual benefit. If anyone's interested, I can usually be found wandering the beach alone because you're all a bunch of creeps." When Jeff asks Clay if there's any lying go on, Clay is surprisingly brief and to the point, "WellduhJeffthisisSurvivor." Jeff smiles sadly, "I know, but it used to be good. Are you all off being interesting when the camera isn't on you, or what?" When he asks Penny if it's okay to lie, she bats those lashes and smiles, "Well it all depends on who you're lying to and when, Jeff. When I do it, it's necessary strategy. When Shii Ann did it, it was morally offensive. And even though I've made clear my intention to betray Jake, I must insist that everyone else be faithful to me, because I'm a hypocrite." Jeff asks Jan, "Are you noticing more whispering behind your back, more people going off to plot strategy?" "Well, yes but I've got a real solid alliance with Oliver and Lucky, so I'll be okay--those boys'll never vote against their own mother, no sir."

Before they vote Jeff asks if anyone has anything they'd like to get off their chests and Jake pipes up, "Yeah, last Tribal Council this tribe claimed the votes were based on performance around camp. Now I feel very vulnerable right now, as I'm sure that duplicitous shrew Penny does, but I do more chores than any of the rest of you so, if you vote me out it'll be very clear that the whole "chore thing" isn't true and, well, won't *you* feel stupid?" Maybe one of the most baffling Tribal Council speeches ever. Because he's either deliberately antagonizing the Gums and begging to be voted out or he *truly* took Brian at his word last week which would be really stupid. Of course it's not about who brings home the most clams or who does all the freaking cooking--you know, Helen? Of course it's about strategy and selfishness and alliances. How can people still be this naive in season five of this show?? Vecepia didn't do a damned thing around camp last season and she won the million, yo.

Remarkably, Jake's lecture doesn't get him the boot. Only the easily-slighted Clay bites, "Ididn'tappreciateyourcommentaboutbeingsurprised
ifyouwerevotedoutandItellyouwhatblahblahblahsomethingsomethingbutt." These days I catch about half of what he says, honestly. Penny also votes for Jake, "I'm casting this vote because I have no discernible integrity!" Ted votes for Penny, "Jake was stupid enough to be charmed by your exotic Texan looks, but I've had my fill of flirty young women on this trip, if it's all the same to you, even if you DO look kinda like Cheryl Ladd, who was my favorite Charlie's Angel." Penny gets 4 votes, Jake 2. Jake casts his vote for Jan, presumably because he feels she is the most useless around camp (and because he still honors his "irrelevant" pact with Penny), but also because he doesn't want to offend any of the boys as he's open to allying with any of them. It's not a bad idea because even though Jake is a strong candidate for dismissal, it's also clear that the three Chewing Gum boys don't want to go into the final three together. They're all chauvinists who see one another as they're greatest threats (despite the fact that women have historically done very well at the end). That actually may not be true of Brian, who is probably very confident in the fact that whether he screws over Clay or Ted, neither would likely vote for the other over him. It *is* interesting that Clay didn't vote with the rest of the tribe--is he odd man out? Will his emotional reaction to Jake's speech highlight his untrustworthiness to the others? Now would be an excellent time for Ted or preferably Helen to make a move against Clay or Brian, and use Jake to do it. Oh yeah, jan could do something interesting too. In an alternate universe perhaps.

Penny's exit is truly nauseating, "I came really far in this really hard game by being really really awful to my team members and I am so gosh darned proud of myself for that!" She joins other 7th place finishers Gervase; who preferred card playing and hammock surfing to, you know, doing stuff, Nick...eh, sorry I must be mistaken...was there a Nick in Australia? It's not ringing any bells, but that's what I have written down here. Huh. Africa's Frank was saved from the Gen X beaded necklace mafia but couldn't survive the Boron bloc; and last season's cranky, boring Tammy was yet another victim of her own Smuggliness. Penny fits nicely into this rather uninteresting group--even weird Frank wasn't much in the personality department. Gervase was charming but that's about it and I still haven't forgiven the "women are dumber than cows thing."

Instead of an episode, we got a clip show this week and here's what we learned: John was even more critical and bossy than we ever knew. Ted shaves his head every three days. Chewing Gum used to play a game where Ghandia would pose for Ted's imaginary cameras. "Pretend Radio Show" it ain't. Jake is a canoe expert and threw a hissy fit about the crappy one CBS game them. Most of it wasn't very informative. The fact that Clay is a big ol' perve who stared endlessly at Erin's butt isn't really a surprise but boy, is it icky. Jan assures us, "That's just part of Clay's personalitay {sic} and surely isn't offensive to anybody--he does go on and on about his own wife's butt too, right?" Speak for yourself, woman! Okay, guys, just FYI. There IS a difference between talking to your pals about what a great ass somebody has and, as Clay did, actually rhapsodizing about it *to* the girl, "Mmm MMMM, youhavethefinestassonthishereisland, yee haw!" One is normal and the other is creepy (and possibly actionable). We also weren't shown the fact that CBS gave the tribe some snorkeling gear and Jake and Brian went out to spear fish with pointy sticks and came up with nothing. Helen was very funny when she said, "Jake and Brain have some "Lord of the Flies" dream about going out and stabbing a fish and it's actually very hard." For some reason, we are shown a scene where some creature attacks Brian and Jake as they try to sleep and the next morning Clay cackles with glee about it because he's Clay--did they think they hadn't made clear enough that he's awful a spiteful hateful little twerp? Because they have!

It was a nice idea to include "day after" interviews with the ousted Survivors. Ghandia rants, "The only thing I might have done wrong was totally misrepresent what happened with Ted and then become a total bitch the last three days but Ghandia is a powerful woman who talks about herself in the third person and she doesn't intend to ever change." Oy. Robb came off surprisingly mature when he regretted getting into a fight with Ken and shrugged, "I lasted 17 days without trying to mess with anyone's head, that's pretty good." Also, I had a new appreciation for his choking Clay on that one reward challenge and later calling him a "weak whiny punk." Upon further review, that Dumbb Robb had some fine qualities! Erin also came off well when she said that the Sucks main problem was they were overconfident because they had such a young athletic tribe and it got to their heads real early. It is indeed interesting that there aren't any kids left. Porn Star Brian is the youngest one there, at 34.

Sigh. It looks like Clay and Jake might "have words" next week, let's hope there's some payoff (like Jake calling him out for being the conniving little worm he is? Please?) so we can at least end this season with a bang. Then I think it's time for Burnett to give us that "All Star Survivor" he's always talking about, with past castaways competing against each other. I just want to be entertained, is that so wrong?

Peace and Happy Thanksgiving :)

Christine

Survivor 5.9

A couple unrelated musings before we start: 1) do any of my fellow Angelenos have trouble watching "24" this year because we live in the "blast area?" 2) If Luke Perry, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris et al could play high schoolers on "Beverly Hills 90210" when they were freaking 30 years old, why the heck can't we get to have the same kids be in all seven "Harry Potter" movies? Seriously, what's the big deal if by the end Daniel Radcliffe is 21 playing 17? 3) Do the people working the drive through windows think I'm suspiciously counting my change when I'm merely seeing if I've gotten that elusive "Mississippi" quarter? Any and all answers will be entertained...

Anyway, a few weeks ago I mentioned that they did the most biased "Previously on Survivor" recap. This week it was the LOOOOOOOONGEST. They might as well have read my last review out loud before the episode started, it took forever. I guess they think people might be joining the show late--hard to believe with CBS running promos like, "This week, someone's gonna win a super reward and come home with a full stomach!" Well La dee frickin dah, let me set my VCR.

Last week, I forgot to take the historical tour of the number 9 spot with Erin so let's get that out of the way. Erin joins he of the Coconut Phone, Greg, and strong but outnumbered Alicia as victims of the majority tribe (though Erin technically was ousted by both tribes). This was the point in the game that we were stunned by Kelly's exit, when she paid the price for a vote against Lex that she never cast. Last year, arrogant John went out sobbing as juror number one after Paschal and Neleh turned the tables on the Smugglies. Those last two make me feel especially ripped off, as last week was a snorefest.

Night at Chewing Hard. Once again, the Gums are speculating how the vote is going to go, and it's split between Ken and Erin--which I don't get at all. I mean, since the Sucks don't know if the merge is happening or not, why would they dump Ken at that point? Helen's on the right track (and very funny, I might add) when she impersonates Penny, "Ohhh, this is so hard but I think I'm gonna have to stab my friend Erin the back!" Brian's Ken impression is far more bizarre, "How's my hair, Jeff? I'd like to point out, in case you didn't know, that I'm one of America's finest, a New York City policeman--you put on that uniform, you get all kind of bitches." Now, since we've never seen Ken say anything remotely like this, I'm just gonna assume that Brian is thinking about one of his movies. And Brian is the one who's always slicking his hair back at every opportunity--Ken always has his hat on. I'm saying it now, worst case scenario: Final Two: Brian and Clay.

The tired and depressed Sucks return and share one of their famous, "We Love one another SO DANGED MUCH!" hugs before rejoining the others at the campfire. The Gums pretend to give a rat's ass that Erin's gone, "Wow, that's rough," as Jake tries to drum up some sympathy as the weary leader who keeps having to sacrifice his own people. Penny says sadly, "Erin was like a sister to me--and she's been my sleeping partner the whole time we've been out here!" That can't be as homoerotic as it sounds...can it?

Next morning, Jake gathers everyone around the fire for story time---apparently Helen isn't the only one prone to boring everyone else to death. Jake tells us that he likes to tell stories because he wants everyone to know that even though he's older than the rest, he's an adventurer same as them. He begins one, "Ya'll want to here about the first time I killed me a bear when I was only three? It's a hysterical story," but it's really only mildly amusing if you ask me--and everyone on the island. When two people give a tentative yes, he dives right in, and most everyone appears to be barely paying attention enough to react politely at the appropriate times. Ted thinks Jake is showing off and exaggerating, while Clay spits jealously, "We'reallsickofhisRoyRogersstoriesaboutJakethemountainmanwho
wrasslesgrizzlybearsandfightsoffmenwithaligators!" I think Clay has a complex about being short. That night, when Clay looks up at the moon and admits to the others how much he misses his family, Helen sings a lovely version of Elvis' classic "Are you Lonesome Tonight," and CBS adds some really pretty underscore. It was a nice moment.

Reward Haiku--no poems appeared on camera, and CBS, if you need a new poem person, I am available!

merge into one tribe
but live on diff'rent islands
just kidding suckers

Everyone takes a seat in a multi-colored seat around a TV screen. Jeff says, "I imagine by now you're all missing you're loved ones. No, none of them are here on the island. We offered, but they *just* don't love you guys enough to come, heh heh. Seriously, though we loved the cruelty involved in bringing them out here but not allowing you to really talk to them, we just can't afford the airfare since we lost the Doritos endorsement." Everyone except Ted gets to see a brief segment of a video made by their families and almost all of them cry. Jeff asks Penny, "Does being away from a person make you realize how special that relationship is?" And Penny should say, "You mean does absence make the heart grow fonder, Jeff? Well, yeah, no duh!" But instead she says, "Yer darned tootin' it does, Jeff. I'm just so moved by how in love everyone is with their loved ones and golly, I've learned so many great recipes from Helen--and I mean A LOT of recipes let me tell ya. I'm looking forward to goin' home and bakin' myself the happiest darned marriage there ever was!" Okay, I said she wasn't evil, I never said she wasn't workin' it.

Jeff then asks Ted if he's worried that he hasn't been shown his clip yet and Ted says, "You're killing me, Jeff." I'm sure those of us who watched the first season of "Survivor" all had flashbacks to the infamous reward challenge in which Jenna didn't get a video, and the ever-weepy contestant sobbed because she couldn't even see a glimpse of her twin daughters who she talked about CONSTANTLY. Fortunately, Jeff has just saved Ted's clip because he wants Ted to tell the others about his "new addition." Turns out, Ted's wife gave birth just as he had to leave for Thailand and an infection kept her from coming home before Ted had to catch his Survivor plane. Is that supposed to make me feel sympathy for Ted or make me think, "What the hell are you doing, going on a month long game show when your newborn baby's in the freaking hospital!" I watch so many reality game shows (Survivor, Big Brother, Mole, and Amazing Race) and I admit I'm always judgmental of the people crying over missing their school-aged kids. Hey I know a way not to miss your kids--don't leave them for forty days! I know there response is always how much the kids need the money, but they need their parents more *Cat's in the Cradle* playing...

Anyway, Jeff makes a big deal of showing the group new golden "buffs" and saying, "Now, I'll bet you guys are ASSUMING that these new buffs mean you're all gonna be merged into one tribe--since you're so good at ASSUMING things....ahem...and, uh, you're RIGHT this time! You're merged!" Everyone seems really happy about this, even though it kinda dooms the Sucks. I mean, the old way, they could all three win immunity at once. Not that I mind, I'm glad we're on to individual immunity challenges--they're more fun to watch. To win a look at their entire video, the now merged Chuay Jai/Chewing Hard tribe is randomly broken into to pairs to complete what I felt was a pretty complicated obstacle course. Ken and Clay beat Jan and Jake (who always seem to wind up with each other, what's up with that?) Brian and Helen beat Ted and Penny and then in the semi finals, Brian and Helen take out Ken and Clay. One of the tasks involves moving a ball through a long netted tube, which leads Jeff to utter the very disturbing line, "Helen is working that fishnet!" Brian wins the run-off with Helen and the group heads back to the leafy lounge to watch his tape...

La casa de Brian es muy interesante y es una problema por la estrella de porno--Ay Caramba!

I wanted to say "might be a problem" but I long ago forgot how to do subjunctive verbs en espanol. Brian wins a pitcher of lemonade (or perhaps limeade) which he shares with the group. The ousted and fastidious Robb is spared the indignity of sharing a glass with the whole tribe :) As Jeff pushes play Brian nervously warns the group, "If my wife does anything embarrassing, heh heh, I apologize--she's kinda crazy." For those of you who think she's also kinda hot--or, ahem, kinda familiar--you should know that she too is a former soft-porn star--that's how they met. Insert "And they say romance is dead" joke here. Insert "insert" joke here. Mrs. Brian dances around suggestively, raising many a Survivor's eyebrows. Jake seems to glare disapprovingly. Clay says, "ShewasafoxIwannatellayashe'sfitforthebikini!" And she's fit for *no bikini* if ya catch my drift, wink wink.

Brian confides in us that *maybe* it wasn't such a good idea for everyone to see his casa, because he wanted to remain *a mystery.* Whatever, dude, no one forced you to win the stupid challenge. When the Mrs. says, "The house is a real mess," he mutters, "Well then why don't you clean it, woman?" like he's joking but you know he's not joking. I wonder what kind of calamity could have befallen Brian's wife to tear her away from the joyful biological imperative of dishwashing? Anyway, the house looks pretty danged spotless on video, as she shows off his white, baby grand piano and the two nice cars in the garage, one of which she calls "the Caddy." Helen seems especially cheesed off and tells us, "Two new cars? A piano? If I were against him, that'd be enough to vote him off--college boy doesn't need the money!" This is apparently a big issue for the class-conscious Helen, who cast a vote for Clay in week one because he seemed well off to her (he does own a restaurant). The rest of the Survivor's stew as Mrs. Porn Star coos, "We want you to win the million dollars so we can all go to FIJI!!!" I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but (gulp) in all fairness to Brian, the guy does sell cars for a living and I imagine gets great deals on them. Were those really *new* cars or just really nice used cars that Brian gets first crack at--sans extras and his own commission etc? And you know what, so the hell what if he DOES have more money than everyone else? "Survivor" is a game show, not a need-based scholarship!

Back at camp the girls seem to take charge of making the new flag and everyone takes turn putting a different colored handprint on the golden banner. Clay claims, "Nowwe'remergedhere'swheretherealgamebegins!"
No it isn't, you moron. The game began the second you got on that boat, and everything you've ever said or not said, done or claimed to have done but haven't will come into play. Just ask John and Tanya and Ghandia. Meanwhile Ken is hopeful that his strength will give him a good chance to win individual immunity enough times to stay alive. Interesting that since Kelly and Colby in seasons 1 & 2 we haven't had anyone really dominate the immunities--Lex won more than I care to remember but not the one that counted.

Brian declares that, "now whoever is the most annoying to the others is in the most danger." Sadly, the audience doesn't get to vote on who that is. When Helen and Penny (who seems to facilitate Helen's recipe raving) start talking about sauces, Ted takes the boat out to take in some quality alone time. Seems to me the smart thing to do is say, "I'm gonna go fishing," or "I'm gonna get some water." There are ways to look productive when you're really just avoiding others. Hasn't Ted ever worked in an office before? Ted admits, "Most people don't like to go off alone--they don't want to be perceived as a loner. I'm definitely taking a risk by doing this."

Sure enough, everyone at camp is going nuts about Ted's departure. "He went off without tellin' anyone," Jan raves while Penny speculates, "I don't think he meant to go out that far." Brian tries to diffuse the situation, "Big deal, he probably just wanted to be by himself for a while." Penny wonders if Ted is the odd man out amongst the Gums. But it's that little jerk Clay who tries to make the biggest stink about Ted's trip. First he runs him down to Jan, "Yeahhe'sbigbuthecan'trunatall," Jan says he's not much of a swimmer either and Clay agrees, "Nawhecan'tswimalickneither!" Even though, if memory serves, it was CLAY that used a flotation devise when the he and Brian and Ted swam to the Island of Lost Boats. Then he goes to Helen to discuss how stubborn he is, "IfIjustleavehimalonehewon'tpissmeoffit'seitherhiswayorthehighway!" Helen mostly smiles and nods, as does Brian when Clay gushes, "IfwegetridofTedwemarchrightintothefinaltwo!" *Shudder* Clay does stop short of claiming to see Ted chomping on beef jerky and getting the tribe to search his bag. They have Brian telling us that he won't honor his commitment to Ted to his own detriment, which is *supposed* to make us think he'd throw Ted over for Clay but I doubt it.

Jake says, "I don't know who to trust on the other team." Um...NO ONE? So of course he goes to fellow good ol' boy Clay who feeds him Ted on a silver platter, "Everyone'ssickofTedwelovehimandallbutifwehadtovotesomeoneout
that'swhoit'dbeitwasgonnabeKenbutnoweveryone'ssayinghe'saniceguy." Jake takes Clay at his word and tells Ken and Penny that Ted is out. What did Shii Ann say at her ouster about over-strategizing? This is stupid on Clay's part for two reasons: 1) If you assume that Jake is doomed to be a juror, why give him a reason to resent the hell out of you by lying to his face and making him look like a fool? 2) Why give Ted a reason to go after you when he finds out why the Sucks are all voting for him? You know they will because once they realize that Clay used them why wouldn't they tell Clay to watch his back?

Immunity Haiku

it's all up to you
you can't blame Jan anymore
unless you ARE Jan

The Immunity Necklace is very elaborate and metal and pointy! The Immunity challenge is exceptionally hard, I thought. First, the Survivors are shown 9 numbers and their corresponding Thai symbol. They have to memorize them. Jake, Helen, Jan, Ted & Brian are all out with the first try. Penny gets one right but can't get a second and Ken and Clay move on to the really really hard final part. There are oodles of sand-covered mounds, underneath which are cards with instructions on what mound holds the next card. So, Ken and Clay have to remember all the Thai numbers to understand where to find TEN cards. It's like the "Roadblock" on "Amazing Race" a couple weeks ago that everyone skipped, but choosing to do ATV's instead is not an option for Ken and Clay. I was admittedly impressed with how well Clay did, but it didn't last long. When he started crowing, "Iknowilooksexybabyiknowilooksexy!" I was right back to really hating the guy.

Ken knows his second place finish has only proved to the Gums that he should be next, "I'm big and strong and dey'd be stupid not to get rid uh me!" Jake decides that since Brian is such a "real class act," (I know, I know) He's the real threat. He's the guy you don't want beside you at the end because everyone loves him so much they'll give him the money (I guess Helen has been keeping mum about her class resentment). He tries to get Clay on board and says, "I need you to get one of the women--you can handle one of the women, right? And bring her over to our side? This is a good plan for you because it gets you in the top two for sure!" UGH! It infuriates me how confident they are about making it to the final two based on their own scheming when it could very well be in the hands of whomever that third person is! Anyway, Clay continues to stupidly shine Jake on but he's not stupid enough to actually go against the "sure thing" of his old tribe, at least not to save the dangerous Ken. Ken and Jake seem to sincerely believe that joining them would be a good move for Clay which gives me hope that they know how unliked he is by the rest of the gums...maybe? Which leads one to wonder why the Sucks didn't try to recruit Ted, if they really believe that he's odd man out, and at least bring Clay's conniving into the light. Oh right, that would have been interesting, never mind. Ken says he's going to vote for Ted because "Chewing Gum is saying dey're voting for Ted." Is it just Clay or is this coming from others as well? As they prepare for Tribal Council, Jan mutters something about her "clavage," as she mispronounces it, leaking out and Jake mutters back crankily, "Oh, yeah, we're all turned on right now." It was a very odd moment that I don't quite know what to do with, except file it under "Jan: Crazy" and "Jake: Creepy".

Tribal Council

Jeff brings in the jury, and Erin bounces in wearing a red tank top that can barely contain her enormous boobs--though no clavage is leaking out. Jeff asks Clay, "How do things change now that it's an individual game?" Clay let's loose, "Everyone'stryingtofigureoutwhereIstandwhat'sPenny'sstrong
pointswhat'sKen'showcanIfitinhowcanIbeatthebigguysandI'mnotabigguy--"
His speech was literally truncated by CBS because the guy never shuts up. Whenever they're coming back from a challenge he's always chirping away in the background about nothing and he's almost impossible to understand. He's like a cross between Ozzy Osbourne and Boomhauer from "King of the Hill."

Jeff asks Jake if everyone's being real (is there significance that he follows Clay's ramblings with this question?) and Jake responds, "I'm just trying to be as genuine as I can be--it's a game of lies and we have to ferret out the biggest liars and get rid of them as quick as we can!" Interesting coming from a guy who is probably telling both Ken and Clay and possibly Brian that it's the two of them to the end. Penny might be on that list to, but she's spending her time with Helen and Jan...hmmm. Jeff asks Ted if he regrets anything he's done lately, and Ted says, "If you're referring to my going off by myself, I was just really sad after seeing my daughter and then not being able to play with her or hold her, that's all." Well played, Ted. Hopefully everyone felt like dirt for dissing him behind his back. Penny refuses to bite when Jeff wonders if things are starting to bother her, "Not really. I love the merge! I'm just so darned happy to be part of this new tribe--these people are so great and I'm *so* not a threat to any of them. *bats eyelashes* The only really strange moment comes when Jeff asks Brian what the vote is going to come down to tonight. Instead of saying "self interest," he claims, "Production, or lack thereof. Who's working around camp and who isn't." Which presumably leaves out the women who are in chore heaven on the island. This seemed like Brian's way of implying to the Sucks that they were actually going to vote out Ted...unless Ken has become freakin' lazy since the merge.

Time to vote and CBS doesn't show us a single one, to try and make us think Clay might have been voting for Ted when he says, "You'reaneatguybutyou'vegottagowe'vegottagetridofthestrong
soanimpotentlittleshrimplikemetokeepgoing." Jeff reads the Sucks three votes for Ted first to add some tension but Ken goes down as expected. Hilariously, Ted wrote "NYC" in big letters but wrote "(ken)" really small underneath so that Jeff wouldn't yell at him the way he did Clay at the Ghandia vote, tee hee. Ken goes out in the 8 spot, joining the aforementioned Jenna; Evil Jerri, duplicitous Brandon and robotic Zoe.

If Jake or Penny isn't out this week I'll eat a hat--gladly because it'll mean something interesting happened! Seems like Helen and Jan could join with Jake and Penny to even their odds a little...I'm just saying. I'd lean to the chauvinistic boys getting rid of Jake, who they perceive as more threatening then Penny, but I wonder if Clay and Brian want to keep him around as a "spare" ally, if Ted gets mad at them. Of course, Jake shouldn't trust either of them after this vote so...who knows. I'm still not really rooting hard for anyone. I'd put Helen, Ted and Jan towards the top of my "That'd be okay" list, Penny and Jake in the "Meh, I guess that wouldn't suck" list and Brian and Clay in the "Oh, please No!" list. Jake's arrogance and weirdness have helped him slide from the top all the way to indifference, though if he or Penny kept hanging on to win immunity, it might give them that underdog thing that usually works with me. In his farewell speech, Ken asks "If any of youse ladies feel sorry for me, I really like chocolate chip cookies." I think Helen knows a good recipe for chocolate chip cookie BARS, Ken ;)

Peace :D

Survivor 5.8 A "very special" episode...

Now you'd hope that by calling this a "very special" episode it would also be, oh, I dunno, good? No such luck. I honestly think that CBS is trying to sell us on what a life-changing experience "Survivor" is, like that's good television, instead of the competition and conflict. No episode in which the season's most boring contestant is voted out can be all bad, but it is sure hard to get excited about this sorry bunch of losers.

Night at Chewing Hard. Brian, Ted and Clay--the Brain Trust--are sitting around the fire waiting for the Sucks to return from tribal council. Porn Star Brian crows that the Sucks are crawling back to camp "after we spanked them!" I think he's probably more of a spanking expert than any of us want to know about. Ted can't wait to ask them why they voted the way they voted. For some reason, the boys think that this is brilliant strategy. Brian raves, "I tell you what, if they vote out...Soon Yee or Tran Ho....or...Lucy Liu...or Tokyo Rose...whatever the hell her name is, then they just aren't thinking!" Ted concurs (though thankfully he does know Shii Ann's name) saying, "They'd be making an emotional decision." The boys don't seem to grasp that Shii Ann's status as their favorite Suck is exactly what's getting her the boot, DUH.

Penny tells us that the same tribe twist thing was a great relief for her because it saved her from certainly being ousted by Shii Ann and Chewing Gum. On the trail, she tells the others, "Thanks ya'll for keeping li'l 'ol me--the jokes on her cuz she's gone and I'm still here." Ken claims, "Penny's doin' damage control and I would too if I was as evil as she is--I know dey haven't shown yoose any of it but trust me, she's gotta a lot to make up for." This makes *no sense* based on what they've shown us and the fact that he will still vote to oust Erin at the end of the show. We never see any Penny "damage control" and we've yet to be shown the smoking gun with Penny doing any real damage in the first place!

So, the Sucks return to camp and Brian is like, "Is Soo gone?" And no one acknowledges him because they don't know anyone by that name on the island. Clay asks, "Who'd we lose?" "Uh, the one that's not here, hillbilly, the one you liked the most, Shii Ann." And Clay says, "Dad Gum, I kinda figured." Now, that would be an *excellent* place to stop but Ted has to ask, "What made you vote out Shii Ann?" Ken growls, "She threatened us." Brian and Ted gasp in horror, "You mean with a knife or something? What? Are you all okay?" "No, ya stupid morons, she seems tuh claim that she had a deal wit you guys dat if we came back wit out her, you'd vote us out one by one." This is so bizarre and off the mark I thought it was one of those reality TV moments when someone just misspeaks due to emotions but as the scene goes on it seems clear that the Sucks seem to be more concerned with Shii Ann's warning that Chewing Gum would be disappointed in them for ousting her than they are about the fact that she was going to team with Chewing Gum to eliminate Penny. What!? After the guys get all defensive ("why'd she go and say something like that? Heavens to Betsy, who could imagine such a thing!") Jake says, "Well, if you start picking us off one by one we'll know she was right." No, Jake, if they start picking you off one by one you'll know you're a CONTESTANT ON SURVIVOR!! Ken pointedly reminds everyone that they are all now members of the all important jury, so everyone better be on their best behavoir, which is just loser-talk, to already be taking comfort in your "power" after getting the boot. Brian shruggingly tells us, "Despite all our chanting to the contrary, we aren't actually a family. They are going to have to EARN my trust and my respect--don't forget who's casa this is! And we are still very much SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY, if you can even imagine anything so compelling and exciting!" Oy.

Next morning we see some of dastardly Penny's machinations: First, she shares a pleasant chat with Ted on the beach and asks to join him in his morning workout--that bitch! Then, she commiserates with Clay about how much she misses coffee--how dare she! Then she and fellow native Texans Jan and Clay compare accents while they swim. Admittedly, she lays it on a bit thick with Jan, "We were just so gosh darned glad that ya'll had a fire and some soup ready when we got back to Tribal Council, it was sweet!" Still, I really don't see Penny being that bad--in fact, it's kind of remarkable even if it *is* insincere, because I can guaran-damn-tee you that if I was on that island with those people for three stinky, starvey spidery weeks, I couldn't fake pleasant if you paid me the million dollars up front. Isn't going along to get along Penny's *only* real option right now? Ted assures us, "She's so nice that she's *too nice,* she goes so out of her way to be sweet that it's just not genuine." Clay agrees, "Pennythinkswithherlooksandhertalent
shecangetwhatevershewantswellI'mfortysixyearsolditain'tgonnaworkonthisun
shebuttersusupandwhenevershetriestobutterupmeorBrianorTedwelookat eachotherandrolloureyes." Oh you love it, Clay.

Jake and Ted play a variation of basketball while Ken glowers on the sidelines. He admits, "Deh's strategic reasons tuh get along wit dese people and for dem tuh get along wit us cuz tings change real fast in dis game." Fast is actually not a word I would use in relation to this season's Survivor. If you cut out the parts where someone says, "Gee, it's so weird that we're from different tribes but we have to live together," or "Golly, in a way we're pretending to like each other because we're enemies but then again we're starting to really get close to them," this episode would have been about 7 minutes long. Even the "storyline" with Ken being disgusted and outraged over the fact that Chewing Gum is allegedly peeing in the cave instead of walking a save distance away to relieve themselves has Ken repeating over and over, "Animals don't even do dat. Animals don't do dat. Animals don't do dat." CBS cuts to a monkey in a nearby tree, perhaps to imply that the monkey's are framing Chewing Gum and sleeping in their own filth? Anyone care? Anyone else want to hang themselves right about now?

Meh, why don't we save our lynching energy for Porn Star Brian. Struck by the sight of the womenfolk washing the dishes, he tells the guys, who are as usual laying about on their lazy asses doing nothing, "I'm so fascinated by how domesticated women are--thousands of years of progress and evolution and there they are, doing the dishes and loving it because girls are genetically encoded to love doing housework!" Ted and Clay don't say anything incriminating in reply as he continues, "It reminds me of the good all days when women stayed home and did the cooking and cleaning while the men went out to simulate various sex acts on video and film." Jake laughs, "Note that he says that while their all out of earshot," and Brian says, "Yeah, of course, that's my jury right there but it's still QUITE an observation." Here's my observation: Porn Star gotta go. The girls aren't doing the dishes because they love it, they're doing it because it needs to be done. By the way, have we ever had such a male-dominated game? I'd like to believe Penny is the crafty manipulator everyone keeps insisting she is just because it would mean that there was a woman on this year's cast who isn't just going along for the ride. Damn it, I don't care if it was stupid and/or disloyal, Shii Ann was at least trying to be proactive! The girls all seem doomed.

Apparently, Helen likes talking about recipes from sunrise to sundown. Everyone develops a thousand-yard stare as she drones on and on, "Coconut Caramel Nut Bars. My grandmother's recipe..." You know how P.O.W.'s survive captivity by mentally taking apart car engines or whatever? There's this famous clock that some guy designed in his mind while being tortured? I think baking is Helen's "happy place," where "Survivor" can't hurt her.

In the Navy! Helen will tell you what to bake!
In the Navy! She's impossible to shake!
In the Navy! It's your life you'll want to take!
In the Navy! In the Navy!

They want her! They want her! They want her to stop talking soon!

It was amusing to see Erin and Penny start off interested and then slowly lose their will to live as they realized Helen really wasn't ever gonna stop talking about lemon bars. People, this is what happens when you don't have a television set. Jake and Brian go off to escape Helen's nattering and "feel each other out," again, hopefully not as homoerotic as it sounds. Brian says he has to get out some times because he gets stir crazy, "I'm stir--CAVEY. Get it? Did you catch what I did there?" The two men both insist to us that they are bond-building and taking in more information than they are giving, that's for darn sure. Jake asks Brian who's prettier: Erin or Penny. Brian, who's surely had his, er, fill of giant boobs from his film work eschews Erin in favor of Penny, which is apparently the answer Jake was looking for. "She's real exotic looking," Jake raves. What, she's from the other part of Texas? I'm sorry but Penny's only exotic looking if you are *from* Thailand.

Night falls and Helen is STILL talking about recipes. She's like Bubba in "Forrest Gump," "Lemon Bars, Caramel Bars, Coconut Bars, Chocolate Bars...and that's about it." Jake and Ken are speculating that they can get Brian and Clay to join them as a final four. I couldn't tell if they were seriously already dumping the girls or if this was all part of a ploy to get all the Sucks into the Final Four, but I also didn't really care. Jake seems confident of his ability to turn Brian into an ally, which seems shaky to me, though I do think he'd be pretty easy to manipulate. Ken warns Jake not to trust the used-car salesman, "Dey sell lemons."

The next morning, Jan gathers the tribes with her piercing cry of, "cheeeeeel DREN!!!! We got tree mail!"
Anyone else get a "Halfway House" kinda vibe from Chewing Gum? Like you can picture them in a drab living room watching reruns of "Streets of San Francisco", all chain smoking and sniping at each other after group therapy? The Immunity Poem comes with a mini-replica of the immunity idol submerged in a liquid filled bottle--it's hella cool.

Immunity Haiku:

hey remember when
chewing gum lost everything
hard to imagine

Jake tells us how important it is that the Sucks win, we grasp the arithmetic, Jake. Four is better than three. Jeff explains the challenge to them, wearing that light blue shirt he knows I love. He wants me back. The group needs to stay underwater, using crude bamboo snorkels to breathe. The snorkels are leaky, so water will be swallowed and panic must be suppressed. The tribe's combined total will determine the winner. Anyone think this would be a great individual challenge? For the first time EVER, Chewing Gum has to sit someone out and it's Helen, which seems to indicate that they must have to decide who sits out before they know what the challenge is--why else would you sit out a swimming instructor on an underwater task? Of the eight competitors, six can't last 30 seconds : Penny is out in 9, Ken takes 15 and Clay, Ted, Jan and Erin all follow rather quickly. I timed myself and was able to hold my breath for 30 seconds rather easily. Jeff agrees, "Wow. WOW. that was really fast guys, you all really suck." Brian finally makes a little case for his "sharkness" by staying under longer than anyone else (though they didn't let us know if it was even longer than a minute). Jeff seemed kinda sleazy when he knelt down and leered to Erin, "You and I--and the other Sucks, have another date at Tribal Council," while looming over her cleavage. Chewing Gum wins it's fourth straight Immunity in a row. Insert "Tortoise and Hare" analogy here.

Then we get HALF A FREAKING HOUR OF CRYING AND HUGGING and the aforementioned "this is so uncomfortable, living with the other tribe!" Everyone comes back to find that Magilla the monkey has raided their camp and eaten all the good bananas. Everyone whines about it for a while. No one even attempts to think of a way to thwart the little bugger. Seems they could bury the food jars in the cave while they're gone or something. I know, I know, what are the odds any of these people can outsmart a monkey? The Sucks are demoralized and Erin has to give a tearful Jake a pep talk, "This is how are fate is determined. After all that crap with Shii Ann we came back and regrouped and became stronger, We always knew the day would come when we'd have to vote out people we didn't want to. This isn't your fault. No one blames you!" It's all rather ironic when you consider that Erin is going to pay the immediate price for their loss.

Everyone sits around the fire moping, and sharing about how--you certainly all know by now--it sucks not to be able to celebrate/cry because the two tribes are living together. Penny says, "We finally talked about how awkward this situation is." CBS should start running Promos: "Watch Survivor Thailand---this season is Unbearably Awkward!" Clay confides to us that the only reason he isn't gloating is because they're the jury. Anyone hoping for one more twist to upset Brian and Clay's apple cart of arrogance? Like reshuffling the tribes NOW to 4 and 4? If they aren't gonna merge they have time to shuffle, kids. Just a thought.

The Sucks go off and decide to kill Lucky, the last chicken, so that the ousted tribe member, whoever it is, can enjoy it. No one points out that this person will be spending the next several days in a really nice hotel able to eat whatever the hell they want but, whatever. Penny tells a still-weepy Jake not to take his failure to heart--they all failed before he did. What a bitch? I guess? Penny is very bitter that Chewing Gum hasn't felt as awful as they have in a real long time, and tells the others that if she's the one who gets ousted, she wants the remaining Sucks to do their damndest to send the Gums to Tribal Council, and Erin wholeheartedly agrees. Neither of the men have the decency to even pretend there's a possibility of their being voted out so they don't echo the thought. When Penny suggests the four of them should all sleep together that night Jake almost thinks better of saying, "Gee...sounds almost erotic." Erin seems majorly creeped out by father-figure Jake's inappropriate joke, while Penny grins at Ken--I don't wanna know what *that* was about. Is Ken's hostility towards Penny just sexual tension? Was Penny actually *trying* to sound erotic?? Jake encourages everyone to keep working their relationships with Chewing Gum, leading me to believe that he doesn't really intend to throw Penny over for Clay and/or Brian but who the heck knows.

Jake kills the chicken with his usual flair, going on and on about Buddha and fate and whatnot. Ted goes off to exercise, unable to witness it. He naively says he had hoped they'd just keep Lucky as a pet (though he has no trouble eating it when the time comes, thank you very much). When Jake starts quoting the Dali Lama, Clay rolls his eyes, "Igrewupnearfarmsandranchesandhaveneverseensuchtimedevotedtokilling
achickenit'snotthatbigadeal!" Jan stands by Jake whimpering the whole time, as the bird continues to shake and flutter after he wrings it's neck. "That's just the last minute twitching of death," he assures her with vacant, serial killer calm. Jan takes the bird's head and feet and sobbingly buries them in her pet cemetery next to the Chili's baby bat thing, Oliver, so they can be friends. We thought it was named Oscar because that's what Brian said but remember, Brian calls Shii Ann Michelle Kwan. Yeah, Jan's crazy but I still like her better than most everyone else. Everyone enjoys the chicken soup meal until Helen suggests they can make supper out of it too--"Do you Sucks want to eat supper before you got to Tribal Council and vote off one of your friends or after you go to Tribal Council and vote off one of your friends--I'm good either way." Helen is no diplomat.

The Sucks discuss the vote and Jake suggests they reveal who they're gonna vote for. When Erin says the whole idea makes her sick, everyone agrees and goes on and on about how hard this is, and how much they love each other, blah blah blah. Penny says she'd like to know if she's going but Erin says she's not sure. So Ken says they should keep it a secret if it's not unanimous--which HAS to mean it's gonna be Erin because if it was Penny they would've told her, right? Yet even more crying and hugging AGAIN. The Chewing Gums all give them hugs and wish them luck on their journey. Ted says, "I do feel bad for them. Once you get to know them, it's a sad reality that one of them has to go." Ted is becoming my favorite.

Tribal Council

Jeff tries to stir up trouble, asking Ken if he feels like an outsider at Chewing Gum's camp. Ken, apparently over the cave pee says, "No, not at all. The Gums are all really good people who've gone out of their way to make us feel welcome. They're gracious hosts and spending time with them really humanizes the game." Jeff frowns, "Boring, Ken. Real boring. C'mon, Erin. Help me out here: isn't this situation really really weird and awful in a really really great television way?? Erin shrugs, "Meh. Not really. Chewing Gum is super nice." Jeff sighs mightily in frustration, "Okay. Penny. Surely you have something awful to say? "Not really, Jeff. It was awkward at first but now we're sharing the chores and doing things together and it's just all about family and love and team!"

Jeff groans, "You guys *do* know that there's no jury here yet, right? Okay, let's try something different--make your case as to why *you* shouldn't be the one voted out, and nobody leaves until you say something vaguely disparaging about somebody else! Erin, let's start with you: Boring, weak, loser--why on earth would they keep you around unless they're hoping to cop a feel?" "Well...I do my chores...and I haven't caused any hostility or drama like certain other people." "Don't get me started on how you haven't caused any drama on the show, Erin. Penny, you're just itching to sink that knife of yours in somebody's back aren't you? Why should they give you the chance?" "Well, I help a lot and do my chores and...I don't just lay around and take naps while everyone else is working like certain people." "Sounds like an attack on you, old man. Last old guy we had here passed out--what makes you any different?" "Well, I'm an early-riser, okay? Maybe it *seems* to some people like I take too many naps but I do more chores before 6am than most Survivors do all day!" "Ken?" "You ain't serious, are ya Jeff? It ain't gonna me. I'm strong!" "Yeah, this from the guy who grandma Jan outlasted in the breathing game but whatever, onto the vote."

Erin goes down 3-1. As much as they claimed it was secret, I think Penny *had* to be tipped off in order to vote out her pal Erin, unless she was anticipating the boys vote. Erin voted for Ken. Penny sobs as Erin waves goodbye, and everyone hugs. Jeff says, "You're running out of members and time, but never run out of hope." Does he have another twist up his sleeve or is he just saying that one of them has a shot of winning immunity every single time--or they could win the next two immunities and tie it up again? I dunno and I don't know what the next vote will bring. I'm still holding out for the outside chance of a merger but that dooms the Sucks which might get boring. Rephrase: that might get MORE boring. Penny seems the most vulnerable though Ken helps his chance at the end by voting out Jake--who most of Chewing Gum really likes. Jan seems most likely to go at Chewing Gum if you're assuming the merge never happens, though I'm waiting for everyone to turn on the Brain/ Ted alliance or for the other boys to oust Clay. It's very unclear, but sadly, not very exciting. I'm sorta rooting for Ted, but very enthusiastically.

Erin is "the controversial Texan," having lived there the last 6 years. I counted her, others thought I shouldn't. Now only born and raised Texans remain: Jake, Penny, Jan and Clay. That's right, half of the remaining contestants are Texan but not a one of them holds a candle to Colby Donaldson.

Peace! Have a great week! :)

Christine

Survivor 5.7 Hoodwinked!

Boy am I not happy with this turn of events: the controversial non-merge merger and Shii Ann's resulting ouster. I know, I know, Shii Ann herself admitted she did herself in by warming up to Chewing Gum too soon but can anyone blame her? And was this twist really warranted? I mean, yes, they "got me," I fell for it same as the little Survivors but...so what? I think the game gets much more interesting when they go to individual immunity and alliances have an opportunity to shift. I liked it when past votes counted against you in a tie-breaker and I thought the whole "You can give away your immunity" thing was lame. Burnett and co. are throwing wrinkles into the game that cause momentary surprise but not lasting interest. Maybe Fedex lost the immunity necklace and this was all just a delaying tactic? Grrr. Okay, onto the show...

We should have known something was afoot because Jeff gave us the most biased and opinionated "Previously on Survivor" I've ever heard, "Robb believed Penny's lies and confronted Ken, and Penny told Shii Ann to shut the hell up!" I was scratching my head thinking, "Wait...am I supposed to thing Penny is a bitch?" I'm not ruling it out, mind you, she has a high school cheerleader vibe that should always make one wary but so far we haven't seen her actually do or say anything really bad--it's all hearsay.

Night at Sucks Hard, and everyone's sad about voting out Robb--yeah, I don't get why either. Erin drones in her usual monotone, "I don't feel totally confident with anyone in the tribe," but we cut to her expressing her distrust of Ken and Shii Ann's close friendship--yeah, I didn't know either--to Penny, who's just as suspicious. My read of a possible chick alliance was *way* off base. At the campfire, Ken tells Shii Ann that Penny told Robb that he (Ken) lied about whether Penny ever considered voting for Robb. Now, this is an interesting point because--at least based on what *we* were allowed to see, Penny didn't *say* Ken lied, Robb assumed it. Now maybe that's all part of "Penny: Master Manipulator" but I'm not going to take the leap of saying Penny is the next Richard Hatch or Jerri Matheny until the give me a scene or two in which she FREAKING DOES SOMETHING!!! Grrr! Instead we get Ken and Shii Ann going on about how sneaky Penny is. Ken says he knows Penny's type, "She's da type dat would dint go owt wit some skinny little nerd cuz she's little miss popular, she's da big cheerleader--well look at me now, honey, LOOK AT ME NOW!" Shii Ann thinks Ken's nervous about the merge because his physical strength makes him a target.

The next day brings a poem and some body paint:

when you paint yourself
you choose a path to friendship
but please, don't assume

"We're gonna merge!" they squeal. Everyone picks one color and paints their body with it. As with everything creative, the older Chewing Gum tribe has way more fun with it. The possibly snobby (or allergic) Penny barely bothers to put enough on to notice, while Helen paints a scary nightmare face on herself. The tribes meet up at the reward beach where Jeff tells them to pair off with the person who matches from the other tribe and go have a chat. Most of the reactions we see are Chewing Gum jealously finding out how well the Sucks have been eating. Helen is randomly chosen to visit the Sucks camp with Ken, and he's pleased that she's impressed with the work and care and numerous hissy fits that went into the building of the Moby Shack. Shii Ann, meanwhile, is more pleased with the fact that Clay is actually kinda nice to her than she is with Chewing Gum's pet monkey and dry cave. While Ken and Helen keep their mouths shut for the most part (Helen only reveals her own acerbic tendencies when she refers to her own tribemates as "strangers"), Shii Ann sings like a canary, "I've been cheated! Been mistreated! When will I be loved?" Clay comes right out and says they've been hoping to get the older Jake and--say!--one other person from the Sucks to join their side and Shii Ann is quick to let Clay know that Penny ain't as sweet as she seems. It's bad strategy in retrospect, but it's not unprecedented. It is very reminiscent of how T-Bird and Frank gleefully told their "new Boron" tribemates that Lex, Tom and Kelly should target the vote-laden Lindsey. Kimmi made sure that Tina and company knew mean-spirited Jeffy Jeff had votes at the merge, Paschal and Neleh turned against the Smugglies when their *insignificance* was thrown in their face. Future "Survivor" candidates take heed: Even though it's Shii Ann who pays the price in this particular instance, remember not to expect loyalty from those you treat like bat dung.

The groups gather back around Jeff who says--and these are his exact words, "Something very different is happening: the two tribes will live together on one beach," and everyone hears "MERGE," yours truly included. When I rewatched it on tape, I was literally stunned that he was that upfront about it--he wasn't remotely vague or tricky--our expectations just worked against us. Then he says, "Now, it's up to these randomly selected ambassadors to make the difficult choice about where to live. I'll give you as much time as you need to---" "CHEWING GUM! WE WILL ALL LIVE AT CHEWING GUM!!" Helen, Ken, Shii Ann and Clay shout at once. It is that obvious: Sucks Hard *really* does suck! Everyone hugs and heads out to Chewing Gum, where Ted leads them in a chant, "1-2-3-FAMILY!! EXCEPT FOR THAT CRAZY BITCH GHANDIA!" Still on a merge-high, the gang realizes that CBS has left them a feast of cheese, crackers, fruit and wine--that magical lip-loosening elixir that CBS is leaning on rather heavily this season to try to inflate a weakish cast. I wonder if it's like the Learning Channel's "While You Were Out," with Production assistants racing to get the Sucks stuff over to Chewing Gum and set up the food spread and someone with binoculars screaming, "They're at the palm tree on the east ridge! Hurry, we only have 10 minutes!" CBS plays a cool "Survivor Mega-Mix" while they eat. Anyone notice the shocking lack of product placement this year?

Everyone is outwardly delighted with their "new family", but inwardly distrustful and judgemental--hey, it's like in-laws! Brian, who grows crazier and creepier by the day, raves, "I've got the home court advantage, chief. Mi casa es su casa--except don't forget it's still *MI* casa! Comprende??" Ay Caramba! The group decides to merge (*sigh*) their tribe names into one, becoming Chewing Hard. I guess the fact that they weren't supplied a list of reasonably ethnic-sounding tribe names from CBS should have been another clue that this wasn't a real merge. Everyone goes for a group swim to wash off the body paint and old tribe alliances and misconseptions and whatnot and Erin and Penny seem perplexed at Shii Ann's recently acquired joie de vivre, which Ken thinks is great. "It's great to see Shii Ann actually smiling. She took so much abuse from Robb and Penny, and now Penny's tryin' tuh figure out why she's so happy--but you know what a cold-hearted, murderous bitch Penny is." Erm, I *guess?* Penny does stand quite a ways away from the others, watching the communal bath with a look of confusion, "Look, everyone may be spouting off all that nonsense about how we're a family but may I remind you that this is a game worth a million dollars American to the winner? I'm gonna keep my distance until I figure out how best to manipulate them, because I'm Penny and that's apparantly what I do--off camera, of course." *batting eyelashes* It's easy to sense a Jerri/Amber vibe with Penny and Erin but the latter duo just isn't nearly as interesting. Jerri was over-the-top Joan Collins evil, while Penny, at worst, seems blandly junior high school "I decide who eats lunch with us" evil, and if I wanted to watch that I could flip over to the WB. Shii Ann is blissful about how "non-judgmental" Chewing Gum is and talks to Ted about how she was socially tortured by everyone at Sucks Hard except for Ken and Jake, in part due to cultural differences and he tells her she has a new family and she's just so thrilled. In retrospect, I can't help but think if Chewing Gum had played their cards closer to the vest, they might have protected Shii Ann.

That night, almost everyone gets liquored up (Ted doesn't drink). Erin reveals, "Because Chewing Gum is soooooooooo totally old--they're like, mostly in their thirties and forties? I totally thought they'd be sooooooo boring. Man, was I surprised at what an entertaining bunch of alcoholics they are!" Jan, looking more like a white trash perp on "Cops" than the kindergarten teacher she actually is (or maybe "used to be", once this airs), stumbles about and falls onto some jagged rocks, very lucky not to hurt anything besides her dignity. In eerie foreshadowing, Shii Ann sings the blues. Brian pulls out his guitar and spits out some incoherent hostility-laced lyrics, then goes out with Ted to puke. When Brian rants, "Look Out for NYC!!!! Ken's dangerous!!" faithful Ted takes his paranoid grasp of the obvious as further sign of the porn star's tactical brilliance, and considers this rather pathetic and ordinary "holding a drunk's hair" moment as yet even more bond-strengthening, "I've got his back," Ted boasts--well ya wouldn't want the vomiting front now would ya? We *know* that there's no way they're letting us see best-buds Ted and Brian take it all the way to the end, right? Will Clay figure it out and vote with Jan and Helen to bust them up? Or is it more one-sided than it looks? I think Ted is well-meaning, but what I once thought was just Brian's off-kilter sense of humor appears to actually be an enormous and warped ego.

The next morning, he claims it was good that everyone saw him drunk and out of control last night because, "it shows them that, all god-like appearances to the contrary, I'm actually merely human--I'm just like one of them." He gets some good-natured ribbing from Jan and Ted and gives it right back and explains to us, "I, lord god Brian, have a very subtle and shark-like form of leadership--very low-key and understated--except when I'm slobbering falling down drunk like last night but again, Brian can make that work for him too. Very subtly. I always know what's going on, except when I don't." Even though Clay and Ted have no doubt relayed Shii Ann's own words about how she and Penny don't get along, he refers to it as his own observation of possible "cattiness with the girls." He goes off with Shii Ann for a private chat, wondering, "Can she be of any use in the Kingdom of Lord Brian? We'll see." Brian tells her Chewing Gum is willing to vote out Penny with Shii's help, but Shii is torn by her loyalty to Jake and Ken, who've treated her well. I'm certain Brian imagines himself very "All the President's Men" by referring to Penny in code as "P," not realizing its not all that clever when there's only one person on the island who's name starts with P---unless they're aiming to oust Probst? Brian tells her that all the Gums love her and that's enough, Shii Ann tells him she's with them. Then they show a horrifying giant ugly icky symbolic spider for like, ten freaking minutes, and then we get Ken telling her he wants to get rid of Penny too, but they need to wait until they gain a majority so they don't screw their chances of winning the million dollars. "Everyone told me you'd do dis and I defended you and now you're going and doin' it!" he barks, which I'm sure just makes her hate Penny and Erin even more for doubting her ethics while treating her shabbily. Shii Ann is as confused as ever, and probably feeling too good about not being made to feel bad today to think clearly about what might happen tomorrow. Yeah, I'm all about excuses for Shii Ann--I like her, and I was "socially tortured" when I was in junior high so I relate to her, so sue me! Ken vows, "If she goes and does dis, for duh rest uh her life, she''ll be tawt of as a rat!" Which, is interesting commentary from a guy who hasn't demonstrated any ability to keep his own mouth shut--he told Robb how Penny was gonna vote, after all, and he implies to Shii Ann that he has been discussing voting Penny out with Brian too. And there's more to come.

Shii Ann reads the Immunity Poem to the tribe:

Read between the lines
no matter what the outcome
Shii Ann, you are doomed

"Huh," Shii Ann frowns, well it's definitely for individual immunity, right?" "Oh, for SURE," everyone concurs. Just to beat us to death with how stupid everyone is being, Clay goes on and on about what individual immunity is and how great that immunity necklace would feel around his neck. They all head out and Magilla the monkey is quick to raid their camp once they've left.

Immunity Beach and Jeff is drooling with anticipation. He takes the immunity idol from Clay and says, "Now, LIKE ALWAYS, like every other immunity challenge we've ever had up to this point, THIS IDOL, is up for grabs. Breasts, I mean, Erin, has it been hard for your TWO very DIFFERENT TRIBES to live together on one beach?" And she walks right into his carefully laid trap, "No it's been great, the wine has been great and so has the merge. (one wonders how many people he talked to before someone said merge)." "Wait, did I hear you right? Erin...did you just say *merge?*" "Uh....Yeah...why, do I win something?" "No, I just find it interesting that you said merge because I didn't, SUCKERS!!!!!" Looks of horror cross everyone's faces, especially Shii Ann, who realizes who's out at the not-so-defunct Sucks Hard if they lose. Ted says, "I guess it's true, when you assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." Jeff frowns, "No, just you this time, Big Ted. You're five and five still, there was no merge."

The Challenge is pretty complex and I'd love to know how long it actually took to complete. Each Survivor is bound with three sets of cuffs, the keys to which are outside a big prison they are all placed in. They have to construct an instrument to grab the hanging keys, unlock all fifteen of their team's bonds, then dig their way out. It's actually very similar to when the Brady Bunch got locked up in that old ghost town on the way to the Grand Canyon. When the sky opens up, Jeff taunts them about how wet they're about to get, but it seemed like a good thing to me---wouldn't rain soften the ground for digging? Shii Ann works very hard but Chewing Gum wins rather easily and it's off to Tribal Council for the Sucks. The Gums go back to camp and Clay describes the shocking turn of immunity events thusly, "That'slikeThanksgivingdinnersomeoneslapsgrandmaandbothsidesstartfightingagain."
Now, I've personally never been to a "grandma slapping" kind of Thanksgiving but I'm sure Clay's been to several. Jan thinks it was a pretty mean trick and Ted was probably bribed by the CBS promo department to say, "Wow, we're sleeping with the enemy now!" Now, I ask, you, is it *really* that much different than a merge? No. CBS has just taken an open primary and turned it into a partisan one, but the politics are pretty much the same.

Tribal Council

Jake looks heartsick. Jeff smiles and tells them that everyone who survives the vote will at least be on the jury--so at least they aren't changing that. Jeff wants to know, "Erin, we totally screwed you over and made you look stupid--or stupider, as the case may be. How's it feel?" Erin says dully, "I was shocked. I was hoping for new buffs and everything and...I'm still shocked." Just then, a strong wind blows in and Jeff chuckles, "How portentous." Jake is diplomatic when Jeff asks how this vote will affect them, "We'll just have to regroup and become a strong four and take it to the end." Jeff doesn't point out that this is the third straight immunity challenge they've lost. He *does* ask Erin a very loaded question, wondering if she knows about anyone from their tribe going to the other tribe and talking out school. Erin bites, "Oh yes, Jeff. Some information was recently brought to my attention that somebody in our tribe betrayed us to the other tribe--it's just soooo shocking and disheartening, why would anyone do that?" Penny agrees, "When someone, I won't say who, told me that someone else was planning with the other tribe to vote me out I was really stunned. I mean, I'm depending on these people to be as loyal to me as possible until I don't need them anymore--and now I don't know who to trust!"

Then Shii Ann responds, gloves off, none of this cowardly "someone told me someone" bullhonkey. "This has never been a tribe unified. I've been made blue. I've been lied to....when have I been loved? Is it *really* all that shocking to you selfish morons that when I was introduced to five people who didn't treat me like a Taiwanese Cinderella that I jumped at the chance to be their friend? And Ken, Jake, I always had your back--Ken, you don't think they asked about you? You don't think they're gunning for you? And I told them to go after Penny! If you go back to camp without me, who they like, they'll know what a bunch of lousy creeps you are, siding with Penny who they know is a manipulator and I know that's unpleasant Penny, but you know it's true!" It was maybe the best Tribal Council speech ever. Penny responds, "If I *really* wanted Shii Ann out as badly as she *claims* then how is it she's still here? I had chances to eliminate her, and I didn't. And I could care less about what those drunken fools of Chewing Gum think about any of us--my tribe is Sucks Hard, and my people are Ken, Jake and Erin. Follow me to VICTORY!" Shii Ann gives it one last chance, "Jake, Ken, I haven't lied to--oh yeah, Erin, too, listen. I haven't lied to you yet. Ken, I told you what I was considering but I didn't do anything about it and now I won't have a chance too. Look at the whole 18 days. Search your feelings, you know it's true! And I know Chewing Gum's secrets! I know where their heads are at! Trust me!"

But the Sucks don't and Shii Ann goes down hard. If ANYONE should have been dragged out of Tribal Council kicking and screaming, "A curse on you and your house! You'll regret this! For the rest of your lives you'll regret this!!!" it really should have been Shii Ann but she wishes them luck, dag nabbit. Penny smiles that vaguely smug, enigmatic smile of hers--note she doesn't cry the way she did when she ousted Robb. I'm disappointed in Jake though I don't suppose he had a choice--the others clearly wanted Shii out. Ken loses major points in my book for being a hypocrite--accusing Shii of being a rat and then spilling her secrets to the others. He's a big ol' tattletale (remember the bananas?). I honestly think that had they ousted Penny, Shii would have been loyal to the others and back in the fold. Shii Ann joins last-out-before-jury victims Gretchen, who Tagi saw as the only Pagonger with half a brain; Jeffy Jeff who was defeated by Kimmi's big mouth as well as his own; Clarence, who never recovered standing amongst Boron for stealing the beancan and hateful Boston Rob who found his puppetmaster skills sorely lacking when compared to those of Mark Burnett's :) Fun to relive that one, isn't it?

Seems to me they'll have to go one more week with this nonsense and then merge so that the jury will be able to view everyone at Tribal Council, not just the losing side, right? Anyway, if Sucks lose again, will Penny go out? That one's hard to call. Seems the guys would vote for her and Erin would follow rather than force a tie...I dunno. Jake's the only one I care about at the moment and even he's a disappointment. At Chewing Gum, is Jan still annoying enough to vote her out? She's unlikely to win individual immunity, I think she could be another Old Kim. I'd guess on Chewing Gum voting out Clay, or Brian and Ted's not-so-subtle bond could be exposed and one of them could go. It isn't very predictable at the moment, I'll give them that--but it isn't very compelling either, and I think if they'd worry less about surprising us and more about entertaining us, they'd show us just what exactly these people are saying to one another, even if it tips their hands.

Peace and have great week :)