Survivor 5.10 Penny Lame (and clip show)

Unrelated question: anyone know why SCIFI network was showing "Braveheart"?

Fearless Prediction: A stupid person is going to win Survivor. It's practically a sure thing as these people are all very stupid, though if Helen or Ted somehow win, it will probably mean they wised up...which seems unlikely at this point but hey, *fingers crossed,* it could happen.

Morning at Chewing Hard and Ted is Lexishly sulking, "Waaah! I didn't expect to get any votes! Waaah! Maybe the Sucks don't like me! Waah!" I mean, getting votes can't feel good but they don't even count against you anymore in a tie so who the frick cares? Jake approaches him and says, "Shoot, we honestly didn't know who to vote for, but, duh, we all three had to vote the same against *somebody* if we had a chance of turning the tide." "*Sniff* well, you sure did a good job at coordinating your votes, waaaaaah!" "Uh...yeah. Listen we asked everyone who we should vote for and we were all told "Ken or Ted," so we voted for you." "Says who," Ted asks. My heart leapt at the idea of Jake being smart (I know, I know) and saying, "Well, that little runt Clay, for one." but instead Jake demurs, "Well...I'd rather not say at this stage, you know, my dumbass strategy and all." Jake asks Ted to keep their conversation private and Ted shrugs, "You did what you did *sniffle,* but don't worry, this'll stay between us." Ted tells us that he and Jake are both lying to each other and that's how the game is played, but actually Ted is the only one lying. Jake's just dumb.

Ted goes back to camp and shares a good laugh with his bestest Survivor buddies, Clay and Brian, "...then he said--you guys aren't gonna even believe this--he said that members of our honorable tribe told him to vote for me!" Brian shoots a nervous glance at Clay who laughs, "Hehheh, hedidn't...*happen* tosaywhotoldhimthiscompletelyimplausablelie?" "Nah, man, he said he couldn't say." "What a SNAKE!" Brian cries. Clay guffaws, "Didthatnoaccountthinkhecouldcomeovertoourtribeandtry andplaybothsides?" Brian tries to assure Ted that Chewing Gum didn't get the Sucks to cote against him, but Ted cuts him off, "Oh, Hush! I know that you guys would never do something so dastardly!" Alone, tiny, inferior Clay cackles, "ThosethreevotesputascareintoBigTedI'lltellyouwhat.
Hewon'tbelieveJakewhyshouldhewe'vebeenloyaltohimallalong." I hate Clay. Brian tells us, "I'm surprised that someone of Jake's age would resort to voting against Ted and then sucking up to him the next morning--maybe the heat and humidity is getting to grandpa, he is 60, you know. I prefer to suck up to him constantly and then manipulate others into voting against him--that's how sharks protect *their* casas."

Hey guess what? Everyone's starving. The girls stand in the water chatting about the lack of clams and crabs and Jan says, "The only thing left to eat is you-know-what!" "You-know-what" turns out to be snails and not the other tribe members, which would have been far more interesting. Paschal and Neleh seemed to really enjoy snails on the S.S. Sucked On Mint, but the girls all shudder at the thought. Pretty picky for people who are eating chicken feed, and are snails *really* all that worse than those barnacle things they've been scraping off of slimy rocks? If he of the fiery face plant, Mighty Mike the Hunter were around, Magilla would be Monkey Whoppers right now.

Reward Haiku:

Survivors ready?
another obstacle course
best get used to it

For the first part of the obstacle course, they must pick a partner and get across a series of platforms by laying boards. Jake is odd man out and eliminated at the starting line when no one pairs with him. It broke my heart and put him right back at the top my list, even if he is occasionally creepy. I need to remind myself he's going against a child-beating jerk with a Napoleon complex and a misogynist porn star. So he's a occasionally inappropriate and a braggart, so what? On the platforms, Jan takes yet another wince-inducing spill but comes out unscathed. She and Helen are eliminated in that leg and Penny, Ted, Clay and Brian compete as individuals. In a belly-crawl race, Penny is next out. The next phase is a wall that the winner must summit with help from another. Brian and Ted both help weak and helpless wittle Clay, who chooses to lift the lighter Brian over the wall. Ted is not pleased, and he becomes even more disgruntled when Brian, having won a race across a balance beam to claim the Reward, chooses runner-up Clay to accompany him on a Thai adventure.

Back at camp, Ted tells us how important it is to pay attention and gather information when you're playing "Survivor," but he and Brian bash fists and say, "West Side Story," to...confirm their loyalty? I guess? It's not "Semper Fi," or even "Eye of the Tiger," but it works for them. Ted tells us that Brian choosing Clay indicated they were closer than he first thought--please, may a seed have been planted. Brian tells us, "I have a strong bond with both Ted AND Clay, and I'm going to continue to play them against each other until I figure out which one can best serve me--being a two-faced bastard is a big part of my strategy." A speedboat comes to whisk Brian and Clay away and Clay goes on and on about how it's a date and my oh my how handsome Brian is, to the point of being not only annoying but awkward. Finally, Clay says, "He'sgottafinelookingass--
I'veseenit." So have a lot of people, Clay--that ass used to pay his bills.

Brian and Clay go on a helicopter ride which scares Brian a little. Then they go on a precarious trek through the countryside atop an elephant which scares him A LOT. Unfortunately, neither man falls to his death. Puny Clay takes great delight in Brian's fear, as it makes him feel like a bigger man. "Isn't Thailand beautiful?" "Isn't nature pretty?" "Don't we take it all for granted?" And so on...

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Helen and Jake go to fetch some water. Helen tells us that the boys warned her to keep an on "the Snake," but she listens with interest to what Jake has to tell her. He worries that Brian and Clay are going to go all the way to the end if the other players don't step in and do something, and he tells her that both men have told him what their "pecking order" is. CBS hides this from us, but whatever it is, Helen says it jibes with what she's gathered. Helen and Jake both feel that she could beat Clay in the final vote but not the classy and beloved Brian (I know, I know). Jake's determined to fight to the end and Helen is suspicious of his motives. I think a move by Helen, Jan and Jake to oust Clay would be great because Brian really really really wants Ted or Clay to be ousted without his having to do the backstabbing. Helen could use Jake to oust two of the men and still have Jan and whichever boy is left team up with her to dump Jake once he's outlived his usefulness. I think you can't go in with Jake at the end because you want the Sucks to have to vote for a Gum and not Jake. Of course, Helen's quandary is that the boys will despise her for being a bitch if and when she does to them what they fully intend to do to her. If everyone thinks Brian is unbeatable at the Final vote, why not get rid of him ASAP?

Brian and Clay are served a magnificent feast, which Brian raves is, "Fit for a King--which IS fitting because I am the king. Of my castle, of my casa and of my cave." The self-satisfied men take great delight in smuggling shrimp soup and beer for the rest of the tribe, in order to curry favor. I'm at the point where just the sound of Clay's voice makes me violent. Everyone treats them like conquering heroes when they return, singing a dreadfully dissonant version of "Here Comes Santa Claus." Brian describes the scene, "They were all their waiting for us, like lost sheep longing for their masters." You know, the ONLY good thing about Brian winning the whole thing would be how freaking stupid everyone who voted for "Mr. Class." feels as they watch him say stuff like that about them. Lushy Jan raves, "I need a nipple for this canteen, *hic,* and laments having to share the smuggled booze. She's a Baby Boomer version of Ruthie from "Real World: Hawaii."

The next day, Jake and Penny compare notes on Chewing Gum and find they are both holding blank pages. And even if Penny did know anything, she wouldn't tell ol' Jake. "As it turns out, I AM the manipulative bitch ya'll keep hearin' about. Not in a particularly clever or interesting way--I'm just selfish. Jake and I *had* and alliance all the way to the end--and yeah, I made a big point of that at the Tribal Council where we got rid of that Oriental girl, but...I just *have* to turn my back on him! Nobody likes him anymore and one thing I know from being a cheerleader is that unpopularity is totally contagious." Mean ol' Brian and Ted laugh at Jake's ostracism from the tribe and Brian snickers, "Well, that's what he gets for trying to play both sides, Clay. Er, I mean, Ted." I wonder if part of the dynamic at work here is that everyone on Chewing Gum, except for Jan, was passed over by Jake when he was picking his tribe.

Dumb Clay sells stupid Penny on the fact that he's lobbying for her to be part of the final four, "Clay and I pinky swore on it, so I *know* he's telling me the truth! Pinky swears are legally binding in Texas!" Penny insists, while behind her back Clay chortles, "Itelleveryonethey'reinmyfinalfourbecauseI'malyingtwo-facedlittlesh**!" THEN he goes to Ted to brag about how he has Penny eating out of his hand, "Blah Blah, I said, blah blah blah, I said, I said and then I said blah blah blah." I hate Clay. Penny decides, "I know they want to vote Jake out, so I just have to hope he doesn't win immunity--I want to sink that knife in his back soooo bad." Penny sucks.

Immunity Haiku:

answer correctly
extinguish your neighbor's flame
Penny is so lame

So, the Survivor's have to answer some multiple choice questions about Thailand. They each have three lit torches and if they get a question right, they get to crush out somebody's torch. Clay is totally stupid and fails to answer a single question right before he's eliminated. Brian only gets one. Penny also only gets one and uses it ON JAKE! Brian scowls in disgust--and do you realize how low you have to sink to repulse a porn star? Jake just looks heartsick. Helen and Jan get the most questions right BY FAR, and Helen wins immunity--and some good will from Ted which he claims he'll remember, we'll see.

Everyone gathers around the campfire as they gather up their stuff for Tribal Council. Penny approaches Brian and Jake and says, "Jeepers Creepers, ya'll, those questions were so frightfully hard," but Brian isn't having any of it and says, "Hey, it's snuff city, right here." Jake agrees, "She just snuffed me right out, right from the beginning. She was too dumb to at least throw a vote at Ted first, just to make it look good." Penny fidgets, "Well...I knew you knew everything so...um...Helen, what were you saying earlier about the...um...lemon bars?" She tells us, "I guess I was sending Chewing Gum a message that, like Brandon in Africa, I'll pretty much betray anyone given the chance and it's not a very good idea to trust me." Helen, Clay and Brian huddle around the fire and seemingly agree to vote out Jake but then Ted comes over to whispers that Penny's more of a threat...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Ted insists that up to this point, people have been voted out for their past actions, but he fears that as the game goes on, people will get selfish because of the million dollars. NO FREAKING DUH. When Jeff asks Jake if he agrees, Jake replies, "Well, we Sucks voted out some really strong players at the beginning of the game because they were lazy and obnoxious. Now I'm just trying to develop an alliance with someone, to our mutual benefit. If anyone's interested, I can usually be found wandering the beach alone because you're all a bunch of creeps." When Jeff asks Clay if there's any lying go on, Clay is surprisingly brief and to the point, "WellduhJeffthisisSurvivor." Jeff smiles sadly, "I know, but it used to be good. Are you all off being interesting when the camera isn't on you, or what?" When he asks Penny if it's okay to lie, she bats those lashes and smiles, "Well it all depends on who you're lying to and when, Jeff. When I do it, it's necessary strategy. When Shii Ann did it, it was morally offensive. And even though I've made clear my intention to betray Jake, I must insist that everyone else be faithful to me, because I'm a hypocrite." Jeff asks Jan, "Are you noticing more whispering behind your back, more people going off to plot strategy?" "Well, yes but I've got a real solid alliance with Oliver and Lucky, so I'll be okay--those boys'll never vote against their own mother, no sir."

Before they vote Jeff asks if anyone has anything they'd like to get off their chests and Jake pipes up, "Yeah, last Tribal Council this tribe claimed the votes were based on performance around camp. Now I feel very vulnerable right now, as I'm sure that duplicitous shrew Penny does, but I do more chores than any of the rest of you so, if you vote me out it'll be very clear that the whole "chore thing" isn't true and, well, won't *you* feel stupid?" Maybe one of the most baffling Tribal Council speeches ever. Because he's either deliberately antagonizing the Gums and begging to be voted out or he *truly* took Brian at his word last week which would be really stupid. Of course it's not about who brings home the most clams or who does all the freaking cooking--you know, Helen? Of course it's about strategy and selfishness and alliances. How can people still be this naive in season five of this show?? Vecepia didn't do a damned thing around camp last season and she won the million, yo.

Remarkably, Jake's lecture doesn't get him the boot. Only the easily-slighted Clay bites, "Ididn'tappreciateyourcommentaboutbeingsurprised
ifyouwerevotedoutandItellyouwhatblahblahblahsomethingsomethingbutt." These days I catch about half of what he says, honestly. Penny also votes for Jake, "I'm casting this vote because I have no discernible integrity!" Ted votes for Penny, "Jake was stupid enough to be charmed by your exotic Texan looks, but I've had my fill of flirty young women on this trip, if it's all the same to you, even if you DO look kinda like Cheryl Ladd, who was my favorite Charlie's Angel." Penny gets 4 votes, Jake 2. Jake casts his vote for Jan, presumably because he feels she is the most useless around camp (and because he still honors his "irrelevant" pact with Penny), but also because he doesn't want to offend any of the boys as he's open to allying with any of them. It's not a bad idea because even though Jake is a strong candidate for dismissal, it's also clear that the three Chewing Gum boys don't want to go into the final three together. They're all chauvinists who see one another as they're greatest threats (despite the fact that women have historically done very well at the end). That actually may not be true of Brian, who is probably very confident in the fact that whether he screws over Clay or Ted, neither would likely vote for the other over him. It *is* interesting that Clay didn't vote with the rest of the tribe--is he odd man out? Will his emotional reaction to Jake's speech highlight his untrustworthiness to the others? Now would be an excellent time for Ted or preferably Helen to make a move against Clay or Brian, and use Jake to do it. Oh yeah, jan could do something interesting too. In an alternate universe perhaps.

Penny's exit is truly nauseating, "I came really far in this really hard game by being really really awful to my team members and I am so gosh darned proud of myself for that!" She joins other 7th place finishers Gervase; who preferred card playing and hammock surfing to, you know, doing stuff, Nick...eh, sorry I must be mistaken...was there a Nick in Australia? It's not ringing any bells, but that's what I have written down here. Huh. Africa's Frank was saved from the Gen X beaded necklace mafia but couldn't survive the Boron bloc; and last season's cranky, boring Tammy was yet another victim of her own Smuggliness. Penny fits nicely into this rather uninteresting group--even weird Frank wasn't much in the personality department. Gervase was charming but that's about it and I still haven't forgiven the "women are dumber than cows thing."

Instead of an episode, we got a clip show this week and here's what we learned: John was even more critical and bossy than we ever knew. Ted shaves his head every three days. Chewing Gum used to play a game where Ghandia would pose for Ted's imaginary cameras. "Pretend Radio Show" it ain't. Jake is a canoe expert and threw a hissy fit about the crappy one CBS game them. Most of it wasn't very informative. The fact that Clay is a big ol' perve who stared endlessly at Erin's butt isn't really a surprise but boy, is it icky. Jan assures us, "That's just part of Clay's personalitay {sic} and surely isn't offensive to anybody--he does go on and on about his own wife's butt too, right?" Speak for yourself, woman! Okay, guys, just FYI. There IS a difference between talking to your pals about what a great ass somebody has and, as Clay did, actually rhapsodizing about it *to* the girl, "Mmm MMMM, youhavethefinestassonthishereisland, yee haw!" One is normal and the other is creepy (and possibly actionable). We also weren't shown the fact that CBS gave the tribe some snorkeling gear and Jake and Brian went out to spear fish with pointy sticks and came up with nothing. Helen was very funny when she said, "Jake and Brain have some "Lord of the Flies" dream about going out and stabbing a fish and it's actually very hard." For some reason, we are shown a scene where some creature attacks Brian and Jake as they try to sleep and the next morning Clay cackles with glee about it because he's Clay--did they think they hadn't made clear enough that he's awful a spiteful hateful little twerp? Because they have!

It was a nice idea to include "day after" interviews with the ousted Survivors. Ghandia rants, "The only thing I might have done wrong was totally misrepresent what happened with Ted and then become a total bitch the last three days but Ghandia is a powerful woman who talks about herself in the third person and she doesn't intend to ever change." Oy. Robb came off surprisingly mature when he regretted getting into a fight with Ken and shrugged, "I lasted 17 days without trying to mess with anyone's head, that's pretty good." Also, I had a new appreciation for his choking Clay on that one reward challenge and later calling him a "weak whiny punk." Upon further review, that Dumbb Robb had some fine qualities! Erin also came off well when she said that the Sucks main problem was they were overconfident because they had such a young athletic tribe and it got to their heads real early. It is indeed interesting that there aren't any kids left. Porn Star Brian is the youngest one there, at 34.

Sigh. It looks like Clay and Jake might "have words" next week, let's hope there's some payoff (like Jake calling him out for being the conniving little worm he is? Please?) so we can at least end this season with a bang. Then I think it's time for Burnett to give us that "All Star Survivor" he's always talking about, with past castaways competing against each other. I just want to be entertained, is that so wrong?

Peace and Happy Thanksgiving :)

Christine