Survivor 5.8 A "very special" episode...

Now you'd hope that by calling this a "very special" episode it would also be, oh, I dunno, good? No such luck. I honestly think that CBS is trying to sell us on what a life-changing experience "Survivor" is, like that's good television, instead of the competition and conflict. No episode in which the season's most boring contestant is voted out can be all bad, but it is sure hard to get excited about this sorry bunch of losers.

Night at Chewing Hard. Brian, Ted and Clay--the Brain Trust--are sitting around the fire waiting for the Sucks to return from tribal council. Porn Star Brian crows that the Sucks are crawling back to camp "after we spanked them!" I think he's probably more of a spanking expert than any of us want to know about. Ted can't wait to ask them why they voted the way they voted. For some reason, the boys think that this is brilliant strategy. Brian raves, "I tell you what, if they vote out...Soon Yee or Tran Ho....or...Lucy Liu...or Tokyo Rose...whatever the hell her name is, then they just aren't thinking!" Ted concurs (though thankfully he does know Shii Ann's name) saying, "They'd be making an emotional decision." The boys don't seem to grasp that Shii Ann's status as their favorite Suck is exactly what's getting her the boot, DUH.

Penny tells us that the same tribe twist thing was a great relief for her because it saved her from certainly being ousted by Shii Ann and Chewing Gum. On the trail, she tells the others, "Thanks ya'll for keeping li'l 'ol me--the jokes on her cuz she's gone and I'm still here." Ken claims, "Penny's doin' damage control and I would too if I was as evil as she is--I know dey haven't shown yoose any of it but trust me, she's gotta a lot to make up for." This makes *no sense* based on what they've shown us and the fact that he will still vote to oust Erin at the end of the show. We never see any Penny "damage control" and we've yet to be shown the smoking gun with Penny doing any real damage in the first place!

So, the Sucks return to camp and Brian is like, "Is Soo gone?" And no one acknowledges him because they don't know anyone by that name on the island. Clay asks, "Who'd we lose?" "Uh, the one that's not here, hillbilly, the one you liked the most, Shii Ann." And Clay says, "Dad Gum, I kinda figured." Now, that would be an *excellent* place to stop but Ted has to ask, "What made you vote out Shii Ann?" Ken growls, "She threatened us." Brian and Ted gasp in horror, "You mean with a knife or something? What? Are you all okay?" "No, ya stupid morons, she seems tuh claim that she had a deal wit you guys dat if we came back wit out her, you'd vote us out one by one." This is so bizarre and off the mark I thought it was one of those reality TV moments when someone just misspeaks due to emotions but as the scene goes on it seems clear that the Sucks seem to be more concerned with Shii Ann's warning that Chewing Gum would be disappointed in them for ousting her than they are about the fact that she was going to team with Chewing Gum to eliminate Penny. What!? After the guys get all defensive ("why'd she go and say something like that? Heavens to Betsy, who could imagine such a thing!") Jake says, "Well, if you start picking us off one by one we'll know she was right." No, Jake, if they start picking you off one by one you'll know you're a CONTESTANT ON SURVIVOR!! Ken pointedly reminds everyone that they are all now members of the all important jury, so everyone better be on their best behavoir, which is just loser-talk, to already be taking comfort in your "power" after getting the boot. Brian shruggingly tells us, "Despite all our chanting to the contrary, we aren't actually a family. They are going to have to EARN my trust and my respect--don't forget who's casa this is! And we are still very much SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY, if you can even imagine anything so compelling and exciting!" Oy.

Next morning we see some of dastardly Penny's machinations: First, she shares a pleasant chat with Ted on the beach and asks to join him in his morning workout--that bitch! Then, she commiserates with Clay about how much she misses coffee--how dare she! Then she and fellow native Texans Jan and Clay compare accents while they swim. Admittedly, she lays it on a bit thick with Jan, "We were just so gosh darned glad that ya'll had a fire and some soup ready when we got back to Tribal Council, it was sweet!" Still, I really don't see Penny being that bad--in fact, it's kind of remarkable even if it *is* insincere, because I can guaran-damn-tee you that if I was on that island with those people for three stinky, starvey spidery weeks, I couldn't fake pleasant if you paid me the million dollars up front. Isn't going along to get along Penny's *only* real option right now? Ted assures us, "She's so nice that she's *too nice,* she goes so out of her way to be sweet that it's just not genuine." Clay agrees, "Pennythinkswithherlooksandhertalent
shecangetwhatevershewantswellI'mfortysixyearsolditain'tgonnaworkonthisun
shebuttersusupandwhenevershetriestobutterupmeorBrianorTedwelookat eachotherandrolloureyes." Oh you love it, Clay.

Jake and Ted play a variation of basketball while Ken glowers on the sidelines. He admits, "Deh's strategic reasons tuh get along wit dese people and for dem tuh get along wit us cuz tings change real fast in dis game." Fast is actually not a word I would use in relation to this season's Survivor. If you cut out the parts where someone says, "Gee, it's so weird that we're from different tribes but we have to live together," or "Golly, in a way we're pretending to like each other because we're enemies but then again we're starting to really get close to them," this episode would have been about 7 minutes long. Even the "storyline" with Ken being disgusted and outraged over the fact that Chewing Gum is allegedly peeing in the cave instead of walking a save distance away to relieve themselves has Ken repeating over and over, "Animals don't even do dat. Animals don't do dat. Animals don't do dat." CBS cuts to a monkey in a nearby tree, perhaps to imply that the monkey's are framing Chewing Gum and sleeping in their own filth? Anyone care? Anyone else want to hang themselves right about now?

Meh, why don't we save our lynching energy for Porn Star Brian. Struck by the sight of the womenfolk washing the dishes, he tells the guys, who are as usual laying about on their lazy asses doing nothing, "I'm so fascinated by how domesticated women are--thousands of years of progress and evolution and there they are, doing the dishes and loving it because girls are genetically encoded to love doing housework!" Ted and Clay don't say anything incriminating in reply as he continues, "It reminds me of the good all days when women stayed home and did the cooking and cleaning while the men went out to simulate various sex acts on video and film." Jake laughs, "Note that he says that while their all out of earshot," and Brian says, "Yeah, of course, that's my jury right there but it's still QUITE an observation." Here's my observation: Porn Star gotta go. The girls aren't doing the dishes because they love it, they're doing it because it needs to be done. By the way, have we ever had such a male-dominated game? I'd like to believe Penny is the crafty manipulator everyone keeps insisting she is just because it would mean that there was a woman on this year's cast who isn't just going along for the ride. Damn it, I don't care if it was stupid and/or disloyal, Shii Ann was at least trying to be proactive! The girls all seem doomed.

Apparently, Helen likes talking about recipes from sunrise to sundown. Everyone develops a thousand-yard stare as she drones on and on, "Coconut Caramel Nut Bars. My grandmother's recipe..." You know how P.O.W.'s survive captivity by mentally taking apart car engines or whatever? There's this famous clock that some guy designed in his mind while being tortured? I think baking is Helen's "happy place," where "Survivor" can't hurt her.

In the Navy! Helen will tell you what to bake!
In the Navy! She's impossible to shake!
In the Navy! It's your life you'll want to take!
In the Navy! In the Navy!

They want her! They want her! They want her to stop talking soon!

It was amusing to see Erin and Penny start off interested and then slowly lose their will to live as they realized Helen really wasn't ever gonna stop talking about lemon bars. People, this is what happens when you don't have a television set. Jake and Brian go off to escape Helen's nattering and "feel each other out," again, hopefully not as homoerotic as it sounds. Brian says he has to get out some times because he gets stir crazy, "I'm stir--CAVEY. Get it? Did you catch what I did there?" The two men both insist to us that they are bond-building and taking in more information than they are giving, that's for darn sure. Jake asks Brian who's prettier: Erin or Penny. Brian, who's surely had his, er, fill of giant boobs from his film work eschews Erin in favor of Penny, which is apparently the answer Jake was looking for. "She's real exotic looking," Jake raves. What, she's from the other part of Texas? I'm sorry but Penny's only exotic looking if you are *from* Thailand.

Night falls and Helen is STILL talking about recipes. She's like Bubba in "Forrest Gump," "Lemon Bars, Caramel Bars, Coconut Bars, Chocolate Bars...and that's about it." Jake and Ken are speculating that they can get Brian and Clay to join them as a final four. I couldn't tell if they were seriously already dumping the girls or if this was all part of a ploy to get all the Sucks into the Final Four, but I also didn't really care. Jake seems confident of his ability to turn Brian into an ally, which seems shaky to me, though I do think he'd be pretty easy to manipulate. Ken warns Jake not to trust the used-car salesman, "Dey sell lemons."

The next morning, Jan gathers the tribes with her piercing cry of, "cheeeeeel DREN!!!! We got tree mail!"
Anyone else get a "Halfway House" kinda vibe from Chewing Gum? Like you can picture them in a drab living room watching reruns of "Streets of San Francisco", all chain smoking and sniping at each other after group therapy? The Immunity Poem comes with a mini-replica of the immunity idol submerged in a liquid filled bottle--it's hella cool.

Immunity Haiku:

hey remember when
chewing gum lost everything
hard to imagine

Jake tells us how important it is that the Sucks win, we grasp the arithmetic, Jake. Four is better than three. Jeff explains the challenge to them, wearing that light blue shirt he knows I love. He wants me back. The group needs to stay underwater, using crude bamboo snorkels to breathe. The snorkels are leaky, so water will be swallowed and panic must be suppressed. The tribe's combined total will determine the winner. Anyone think this would be a great individual challenge? For the first time EVER, Chewing Gum has to sit someone out and it's Helen, which seems to indicate that they must have to decide who sits out before they know what the challenge is--why else would you sit out a swimming instructor on an underwater task? Of the eight competitors, six can't last 30 seconds : Penny is out in 9, Ken takes 15 and Clay, Ted, Jan and Erin all follow rather quickly. I timed myself and was able to hold my breath for 30 seconds rather easily. Jeff agrees, "Wow. WOW. that was really fast guys, you all really suck." Brian finally makes a little case for his "sharkness" by staying under longer than anyone else (though they didn't let us know if it was even longer than a minute). Jeff seemed kinda sleazy when he knelt down and leered to Erin, "You and I--and the other Sucks, have another date at Tribal Council," while looming over her cleavage. Chewing Gum wins it's fourth straight Immunity in a row. Insert "Tortoise and Hare" analogy here.

Then we get HALF A FREAKING HOUR OF CRYING AND HUGGING and the aforementioned "this is so uncomfortable, living with the other tribe!" Everyone comes back to find that Magilla the monkey has raided their camp and eaten all the good bananas. Everyone whines about it for a while. No one even attempts to think of a way to thwart the little bugger. Seems they could bury the food jars in the cave while they're gone or something. I know, I know, what are the odds any of these people can outsmart a monkey? The Sucks are demoralized and Erin has to give a tearful Jake a pep talk, "This is how are fate is determined. After all that crap with Shii Ann we came back and regrouped and became stronger, We always knew the day would come when we'd have to vote out people we didn't want to. This isn't your fault. No one blames you!" It's all rather ironic when you consider that Erin is going to pay the immediate price for their loss.

Everyone sits around the fire moping, and sharing about how--you certainly all know by now--it sucks not to be able to celebrate/cry because the two tribes are living together. Penny says, "We finally talked about how awkward this situation is." CBS should start running Promos: "Watch Survivor Thailand---this season is Unbearably Awkward!" Clay confides to us that the only reason he isn't gloating is because they're the jury. Anyone hoping for one more twist to upset Brian and Clay's apple cart of arrogance? Like reshuffling the tribes NOW to 4 and 4? If they aren't gonna merge they have time to shuffle, kids. Just a thought.

The Sucks go off and decide to kill Lucky, the last chicken, so that the ousted tribe member, whoever it is, can enjoy it. No one points out that this person will be spending the next several days in a really nice hotel able to eat whatever the hell they want but, whatever. Penny tells a still-weepy Jake not to take his failure to heart--they all failed before he did. What a bitch? I guess? Penny is very bitter that Chewing Gum hasn't felt as awful as they have in a real long time, and tells the others that if she's the one who gets ousted, she wants the remaining Sucks to do their damndest to send the Gums to Tribal Council, and Erin wholeheartedly agrees. Neither of the men have the decency to even pretend there's a possibility of their being voted out so they don't echo the thought. When Penny suggests the four of them should all sleep together that night Jake almost thinks better of saying, "Gee...sounds almost erotic." Erin seems majorly creeped out by father-figure Jake's inappropriate joke, while Penny grins at Ken--I don't wanna know what *that* was about. Is Ken's hostility towards Penny just sexual tension? Was Penny actually *trying* to sound erotic?? Jake encourages everyone to keep working their relationships with Chewing Gum, leading me to believe that he doesn't really intend to throw Penny over for Clay and/or Brian but who the heck knows.

Jake kills the chicken with his usual flair, going on and on about Buddha and fate and whatnot. Ted goes off to exercise, unable to witness it. He naively says he had hoped they'd just keep Lucky as a pet (though he has no trouble eating it when the time comes, thank you very much). When Jake starts quoting the Dali Lama, Clay rolls his eyes, "Igrewupnearfarmsandranchesandhaveneverseensuchtimedevotedtokilling
achickenit'snotthatbigadeal!" Jan stands by Jake whimpering the whole time, as the bird continues to shake and flutter after he wrings it's neck. "That's just the last minute twitching of death," he assures her with vacant, serial killer calm. Jan takes the bird's head and feet and sobbingly buries them in her pet cemetery next to the Chili's baby bat thing, Oliver, so they can be friends. We thought it was named Oscar because that's what Brian said but remember, Brian calls Shii Ann Michelle Kwan. Yeah, Jan's crazy but I still like her better than most everyone else. Everyone enjoys the chicken soup meal until Helen suggests they can make supper out of it too--"Do you Sucks want to eat supper before you got to Tribal Council and vote off one of your friends or after you go to Tribal Council and vote off one of your friends--I'm good either way." Helen is no diplomat.

The Sucks discuss the vote and Jake suggests they reveal who they're gonna vote for. When Erin says the whole idea makes her sick, everyone agrees and goes on and on about how hard this is, and how much they love each other, blah blah blah. Penny says she'd like to know if she's going but Erin says she's not sure. So Ken says they should keep it a secret if it's not unanimous--which HAS to mean it's gonna be Erin because if it was Penny they would've told her, right? Yet even more crying and hugging AGAIN. The Chewing Gums all give them hugs and wish them luck on their journey. Ted says, "I do feel bad for them. Once you get to know them, it's a sad reality that one of them has to go." Ted is becoming my favorite.

Tribal Council

Jeff tries to stir up trouble, asking Ken if he feels like an outsider at Chewing Gum's camp. Ken, apparently over the cave pee says, "No, not at all. The Gums are all really good people who've gone out of their way to make us feel welcome. They're gracious hosts and spending time with them really humanizes the game." Jeff frowns, "Boring, Ken. Real boring. C'mon, Erin. Help me out here: isn't this situation really really weird and awful in a really really great television way?? Erin shrugs, "Meh. Not really. Chewing Gum is super nice." Jeff sighs mightily in frustration, "Okay. Penny. Surely you have something awful to say? "Not really, Jeff. It was awkward at first but now we're sharing the chores and doing things together and it's just all about family and love and team!"

Jeff groans, "You guys *do* know that there's no jury here yet, right? Okay, let's try something different--make your case as to why *you* shouldn't be the one voted out, and nobody leaves until you say something vaguely disparaging about somebody else! Erin, let's start with you: Boring, weak, loser--why on earth would they keep you around unless they're hoping to cop a feel?" "Well...I do my chores...and I haven't caused any hostility or drama like certain other people." "Don't get me started on how you haven't caused any drama on the show, Erin. Penny, you're just itching to sink that knife of yours in somebody's back aren't you? Why should they give you the chance?" "Well, I help a lot and do my chores and...I don't just lay around and take naps while everyone else is working like certain people." "Sounds like an attack on you, old man. Last old guy we had here passed out--what makes you any different?" "Well, I'm an early-riser, okay? Maybe it *seems* to some people like I take too many naps but I do more chores before 6am than most Survivors do all day!" "Ken?" "You ain't serious, are ya Jeff? It ain't gonna me. I'm strong!" "Yeah, this from the guy who grandma Jan outlasted in the breathing game but whatever, onto the vote."

Erin goes down 3-1. As much as they claimed it was secret, I think Penny *had* to be tipped off in order to vote out her pal Erin, unless she was anticipating the boys vote. Erin voted for Ken. Penny sobs as Erin waves goodbye, and everyone hugs. Jeff says, "You're running out of members and time, but never run out of hope." Does he have another twist up his sleeve or is he just saying that one of them has a shot of winning immunity every single time--or they could win the next two immunities and tie it up again? I dunno and I don't know what the next vote will bring. I'm still holding out for the outside chance of a merger but that dooms the Sucks which might get boring. Rephrase: that might get MORE boring. Penny seems the most vulnerable though Ken helps his chance at the end by voting out Jake--who most of Chewing Gum really likes. Jan seems most likely to go at Chewing Gum if you're assuming the merge never happens, though I'm waiting for everyone to turn on the Brain/ Ted alliance or for the other boys to oust Clay. It's very unclear, but sadly, not very exciting. I'm sorta rooting for Ted, but very enthusiastically.

Erin is "the controversial Texan," having lived there the last 6 years. I counted her, others thought I shouldn't. Now only born and raised Texans remain: Jake, Penny, Jan and Clay. That's right, half of the remaining contestants are Texan but not a one of them holds a candle to Colby Donaldson.

Peace! Have a great week! :)

Christine