Survivor 5.7 Hoodwinked!

Boy am I not happy with this turn of events: the controversial non-merge merger and Shii Ann's resulting ouster. I know, I know, Shii Ann herself admitted she did herself in by warming up to Chewing Gum too soon but can anyone blame her? And was this twist really warranted? I mean, yes, they "got me," I fell for it same as the little Survivors but...so what? I think the game gets much more interesting when they go to individual immunity and alliances have an opportunity to shift. I liked it when past votes counted against you in a tie-breaker and I thought the whole "You can give away your immunity" thing was lame. Burnett and co. are throwing wrinkles into the game that cause momentary surprise but not lasting interest. Maybe Fedex lost the immunity necklace and this was all just a delaying tactic? Grrr. Okay, onto the show...

We should have known something was afoot because Jeff gave us the most biased and opinionated "Previously on Survivor" I've ever heard, "Robb believed Penny's lies and confronted Ken, and Penny told Shii Ann to shut the hell up!" I was scratching my head thinking, "Wait...am I supposed to thing Penny is a bitch?" I'm not ruling it out, mind you, she has a high school cheerleader vibe that should always make one wary but so far we haven't seen her actually do or say anything really bad--it's all hearsay.

Night at Sucks Hard, and everyone's sad about voting out Robb--yeah, I don't get why either. Erin drones in her usual monotone, "I don't feel totally confident with anyone in the tribe," but we cut to her expressing her distrust of Ken and Shii Ann's close friendship--yeah, I didn't know either--to Penny, who's just as suspicious. My read of a possible chick alliance was *way* off base. At the campfire, Ken tells Shii Ann that Penny told Robb that he (Ken) lied about whether Penny ever considered voting for Robb. Now, this is an interesting point because--at least based on what *we* were allowed to see, Penny didn't *say* Ken lied, Robb assumed it. Now maybe that's all part of "Penny: Master Manipulator" but I'm not going to take the leap of saying Penny is the next Richard Hatch or Jerri Matheny until the give me a scene or two in which she FREAKING DOES SOMETHING!!! Grrr! Instead we get Ken and Shii Ann going on about how sneaky Penny is. Ken says he knows Penny's type, "She's da type dat would dint go owt wit some skinny little nerd cuz she's little miss popular, she's da big cheerleader--well look at me now, honey, LOOK AT ME NOW!" Shii Ann thinks Ken's nervous about the merge because his physical strength makes him a target.

The next day brings a poem and some body paint:

when you paint yourself
you choose a path to friendship
but please, don't assume

"We're gonna merge!" they squeal. Everyone picks one color and paints their body with it. As with everything creative, the older Chewing Gum tribe has way more fun with it. The possibly snobby (or allergic) Penny barely bothers to put enough on to notice, while Helen paints a scary nightmare face on herself. The tribes meet up at the reward beach where Jeff tells them to pair off with the person who matches from the other tribe and go have a chat. Most of the reactions we see are Chewing Gum jealously finding out how well the Sucks have been eating. Helen is randomly chosen to visit the Sucks camp with Ken, and he's pleased that she's impressed with the work and care and numerous hissy fits that went into the building of the Moby Shack. Shii Ann, meanwhile, is more pleased with the fact that Clay is actually kinda nice to her than she is with Chewing Gum's pet monkey and dry cave. While Ken and Helen keep their mouths shut for the most part (Helen only reveals her own acerbic tendencies when she refers to her own tribemates as "strangers"), Shii Ann sings like a canary, "I've been cheated! Been mistreated! When will I be loved?" Clay comes right out and says they've been hoping to get the older Jake and--say!--one other person from the Sucks to join their side and Shii Ann is quick to let Clay know that Penny ain't as sweet as she seems. It's bad strategy in retrospect, but it's not unprecedented. It is very reminiscent of how T-Bird and Frank gleefully told their "new Boron" tribemates that Lex, Tom and Kelly should target the vote-laden Lindsey. Kimmi made sure that Tina and company knew mean-spirited Jeffy Jeff had votes at the merge, Paschal and Neleh turned against the Smugglies when their *insignificance* was thrown in their face. Future "Survivor" candidates take heed: Even though it's Shii Ann who pays the price in this particular instance, remember not to expect loyalty from those you treat like bat dung.

The groups gather back around Jeff who says--and these are his exact words, "Something very different is happening: the two tribes will live together on one beach," and everyone hears "MERGE," yours truly included. When I rewatched it on tape, I was literally stunned that he was that upfront about it--he wasn't remotely vague or tricky--our expectations just worked against us. Then he says, "Now, it's up to these randomly selected ambassadors to make the difficult choice about where to live. I'll give you as much time as you need to---" "CHEWING GUM! WE WILL ALL LIVE AT CHEWING GUM!!" Helen, Ken, Shii Ann and Clay shout at once. It is that obvious: Sucks Hard *really* does suck! Everyone hugs and heads out to Chewing Gum, where Ted leads them in a chant, "1-2-3-FAMILY!! EXCEPT FOR THAT CRAZY BITCH GHANDIA!" Still on a merge-high, the gang realizes that CBS has left them a feast of cheese, crackers, fruit and wine--that magical lip-loosening elixir that CBS is leaning on rather heavily this season to try to inflate a weakish cast. I wonder if it's like the Learning Channel's "While You Were Out," with Production assistants racing to get the Sucks stuff over to Chewing Gum and set up the food spread and someone with binoculars screaming, "They're at the palm tree on the east ridge! Hurry, we only have 10 minutes!" CBS plays a cool "Survivor Mega-Mix" while they eat. Anyone notice the shocking lack of product placement this year?

Everyone is outwardly delighted with their "new family", but inwardly distrustful and judgemental--hey, it's like in-laws! Brian, who grows crazier and creepier by the day, raves, "I've got the home court advantage, chief. Mi casa es su casa--except don't forget it's still *MI* casa! Comprende??" Ay Caramba! The group decides to merge (*sigh*) their tribe names into one, becoming Chewing Hard. I guess the fact that they weren't supplied a list of reasonably ethnic-sounding tribe names from CBS should have been another clue that this wasn't a real merge. Everyone goes for a group swim to wash off the body paint and old tribe alliances and misconseptions and whatnot and Erin and Penny seem perplexed at Shii Ann's recently acquired joie de vivre, which Ken thinks is great. "It's great to see Shii Ann actually smiling. She took so much abuse from Robb and Penny, and now Penny's tryin' tuh figure out why she's so happy--but you know what a cold-hearted, murderous bitch Penny is." Erm, I *guess?* Penny does stand quite a ways away from the others, watching the communal bath with a look of confusion, "Look, everyone may be spouting off all that nonsense about how we're a family but may I remind you that this is a game worth a million dollars American to the winner? I'm gonna keep my distance until I figure out how best to manipulate them, because I'm Penny and that's apparantly what I do--off camera, of course." *batting eyelashes* It's easy to sense a Jerri/Amber vibe with Penny and Erin but the latter duo just isn't nearly as interesting. Jerri was over-the-top Joan Collins evil, while Penny, at worst, seems blandly junior high school "I decide who eats lunch with us" evil, and if I wanted to watch that I could flip over to the WB. Shii Ann is blissful about how "non-judgmental" Chewing Gum is and talks to Ted about how she was socially tortured by everyone at Sucks Hard except for Ken and Jake, in part due to cultural differences and he tells her she has a new family and she's just so thrilled. In retrospect, I can't help but think if Chewing Gum had played their cards closer to the vest, they might have protected Shii Ann.

That night, almost everyone gets liquored up (Ted doesn't drink). Erin reveals, "Because Chewing Gum is soooooooooo totally old--they're like, mostly in their thirties and forties? I totally thought they'd be sooooooo boring. Man, was I surprised at what an entertaining bunch of alcoholics they are!" Jan, looking more like a white trash perp on "Cops" than the kindergarten teacher she actually is (or maybe "used to be", once this airs), stumbles about and falls onto some jagged rocks, very lucky not to hurt anything besides her dignity. In eerie foreshadowing, Shii Ann sings the blues. Brian pulls out his guitar and spits out some incoherent hostility-laced lyrics, then goes out with Ted to puke. When Brian rants, "Look Out for NYC!!!! Ken's dangerous!!" faithful Ted takes his paranoid grasp of the obvious as further sign of the porn star's tactical brilliance, and considers this rather pathetic and ordinary "holding a drunk's hair" moment as yet even more bond-strengthening, "I've got his back," Ted boasts--well ya wouldn't want the vomiting front now would ya? We *know* that there's no way they're letting us see best-buds Ted and Brian take it all the way to the end, right? Will Clay figure it out and vote with Jan and Helen to bust them up? Or is it more one-sided than it looks? I think Ted is well-meaning, but what I once thought was just Brian's off-kilter sense of humor appears to actually be an enormous and warped ego.

The next morning, he claims it was good that everyone saw him drunk and out of control last night because, "it shows them that, all god-like appearances to the contrary, I'm actually merely human--I'm just like one of them." He gets some good-natured ribbing from Jan and Ted and gives it right back and explains to us, "I, lord god Brian, have a very subtle and shark-like form of leadership--very low-key and understated--except when I'm slobbering falling down drunk like last night but again, Brian can make that work for him too. Very subtly. I always know what's going on, except when I don't." Even though Clay and Ted have no doubt relayed Shii Ann's own words about how she and Penny don't get along, he refers to it as his own observation of possible "cattiness with the girls." He goes off with Shii Ann for a private chat, wondering, "Can she be of any use in the Kingdom of Lord Brian? We'll see." Brian tells her Chewing Gum is willing to vote out Penny with Shii's help, but Shii is torn by her loyalty to Jake and Ken, who've treated her well. I'm certain Brian imagines himself very "All the President's Men" by referring to Penny in code as "P," not realizing its not all that clever when there's only one person on the island who's name starts with P---unless they're aiming to oust Probst? Brian tells her that all the Gums love her and that's enough, Shii Ann tells him she's with them. Then they show a horrifying giant ugly icky symbolic spider for like, ten freaking minutes, and then we get Ken telling her he wants to get rid of Penny too, but they need to wait until they gain a majority so they don't screw their chances of winning the million dollars. "Everyone told me you'd do dis and I defended you and now you're going and doin' it!" he barks, which I'm sure just makes her hate Penny and Erin even more for doubting her ethics while treating her shabbily. Shii Ann is as confused as ever, and probably feeling too good about not being made to feel bad today to think clearly about what might happen tomorrow. Yeah, I'm all about excuses for Shii Ann--I like her, and I was "socially tortured" when I was in junior high so I relate to her, so sue me! Ken vows, "If she goes and does dis, for duh rest uh her life, she''ll be tawt of as a rat!" Which, is interesting commentary from a guy who hasn't demonstrated any ability to keep his own mouth shut--he told Robb how Penny was gonna vote, after all, and he implies to Shii Ann that he has been discussing voting Penny out with Brian too. And there's more to come.

Shii Ann reads the Immunity Poem to the tribe:

Read between the lines
no matter what the outcome
Shii Ann, you are doomed

"Huh," Shii Ann frowns, well it's definitely for individual immunity, right?" "Oh, for SURE," everyone concurs. Just to beat us to death with how stupid everyone is being, Clay goes on and on about what individual immunity is and how great that immunity necklace would feel around his neck. They all head out and Magilla the monkey is quick to raid their camp once they've left.

Immunity Beach and Jeff is drooling with anticipation. He takes the immunity idol from Clay and says, "Now, LIKE ALWAYS, like every other immunity challenge we've ever had up to this point, THIS IDOL, is up for grabs. Breasts, I mean, Erin, has it been hard for your TWO very DIFFERENT TRIBES to live together on one beach?" And she walks right into his carefully laid trap, "No it's been great, the wine has been great and so has the merge. (one wonders how many people he talked to before someone said merge)." "Wait, did I hear you right? Erin...did you just say *merge?*" "Uh....Yeah...why, do I win something?" "No, I just find it interesting that you said merge because I didn't, SUCKERS!!!!!" Looks of horror cross everyone's faces, especially Shii Ann, who realizes who's out at the not-so-defunct Sucks Hard if they lose. Ted says, "I guess it's true, when you assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." Jeff frowns, "No, just you this time, Big Ted. You're five and five still, there was no merge."

The Challenge is pretty complex and I'd love to know how long it actually took to complete. Each Survivor is bound with three sets of cuffs, the keys to which are outside a big prison they are all placed in. They have to construct an instrument to grab the hanging keys, unlock all fifteen of their team's bonds, then dig their way out. It's actually very similar to when the Brady Bunch got locked up in that old ghost town on the way to the Grand Canyon. When the sky opens up, Jeff taunts them about how wet they're about to get, but it seemed like a good thing to me---wouldn't rain soften the ground for digging? Shii Ann works very hard but Chewing Gum wins rather easily and it's off to Tribal Council for the Sucks. The Gums go back to camp and Clay describes the shocking turn of immunity events thusly, "That'slikeThanksgivingdinnersomeoneslapsgrandmaandbothsidesstartfightingagain."
Now, I've personally never been to a "grandma slapping" kind of Thanksgiving but I'm sure Clay's been to several. Jan thinks it was a pretty mean trick and Ted was probably bribed by the CBS promo department to say, "Wow, we're sleeping with the enemy now!" Now, I ask, you, is it *really* that much different than a merge? No. CBS has just taken an open primary and turned it into a partisan one, but the politics are pretty much the same.

Tribal Council

Jake looks heartsick. Jeff smiles and tells them that everyone who survives the vote will at least be on the jury--so at least they aren't changing that. Jeff wants to know, "Erin, we totally screwed you over and made you look stupid--or stupider, as the case may be. How's it feel?" Erin says dully, "I was shocked. I was hoping for new buffs and everything and...I'm still shocked." Just then, a strong wind blows in and Jeff chuckles, "How portentous." Jake is diplomatic when Jeff asks how this vote will affect them, "We'll just have to regroup and become a strong four and take it to the end." Jeff doesn't point out that this is the third straight immunity challenge they've lost. He *does* ask Erin a very loaded question, wondering if she knows about anyone from their tribe going to the other tribe and talking out school. Erin bites, "Oh yes, Jeff. Some information was recently brought to my attention that somebody in our tribe betrayed us to the other tribe--it's just soooo shocking and disheartening, why would anyone do that?" Penny agrees, "When someone, I won't say who, told me that someone else was planning with the other tribe to vote me out I was really stunned. I mean, I'm depending on these people to be as loyal to me as possible until I don't need them anymore--and now I don't know who to trust!"

Then Shii Ann responds, gloves off, none of this cowardly "someone told me someone" bullhonkey. "This has never been a tribe unified. I've been made blue. I've been lied to....when have I been loved? Is it *really* all that shocking to you selfish morons that when I was introduced to five people who didn't treat me like a Taiwanese Cinderella that I jumped at the chance to be their friend? And Ken, Jake, I always had your back--Ken, you don't think they asked about you? You don't think they're gunning for you? And I told them to go after Penny! If you go back to camp without me, who they like, they'll know what a bunch of lousy creeps you are, siding with Penny who they know is a manipulator and I know that's unpleasant Penny, but you know it's true!" It was maybe the best Tribal Council speech ever. Penny responds, "If I *really* wanted Shii Ann out as badly as she *claims* then how is it she's still here? I had chances to eliminate her, and I didn't. And I could care less about what those drunken fools of Chewing Gum think about any of us--my tribe is Sucks Hard, and my people are Ken, Jake and Erin. Follow me to VICTORY!" Shii Ann gives it one last chance, "Jake, Ken, I haven't lied to--oh yeah, Erin, too, listen. I haven't lied to you yet. Ken, I told you what I was considering but I didn't do anything about it and now I won't have a chance too. Look at the whole 18 days. Search your feelings, you know it's true! And I know Chewing Gum's secrets! I know where their heads are at! Trust me!"

But the Sucks don't and Shii Ann goes down hard. If ANYONE should have been dragged out of Tribal Council kicking and screaming, "A curse on you and your house! You'll regret this! For the rest of your lives you'll regret this!!!" it really should have been Shii Ann but she wishes them luck, dag nabbit. Penny smiles that vaguely smug, enigmatic smile of hers--note she doesn't cry the way she did when she ousted Robb. I'm disappointed in Jake though I don't suppose he had a choice--the others clearly wanted Shii out. Ken loses major points in my book for being a hypocrite--accusing Shii of being a rat and then spilling her secrets to the others. He's a big ol' tattletale (remember the bananas?). I honestly think that had they ousted Penny, Shii would have been loyal to the others and back in the fold. Shii Ann joins last-out-before-jury victims Gretchen, who Tagi saw as the only Pagonger with half a brain; Jeffy Jeff who was defeated by Kimmi's big mouth as well as his own; Clarence, who never recovered standing amongst Boron for stealing the beancan and hateful Boston Rob who found his puppetmaster skills sorely lacking when compared to those of Mark Burnett's :) Fun to relive that one, isn't it?

Seems to me they'll have to go one more week with this nonsense and then merge so that the jury will be able to view everyone at Tribal Council, not just the losing side, right? Anyway, if Sucks lose again, will Penny go out? That one's hard to call. Seems the guys would vote for her and Erin would follow rather than force a tie...I dunno. Jake's the only one I care about at the moment and even he's a disappointment. At Chewing Gum, is Jan still annoying enough to vote her out? She's unlikely to win individual immunity, I think she could be another Old Kim. I'd guess on Chewing Gum voting out Clay, or Brian and Ted's not-so-subtle bond could be exposed and one of them could go. It isn't very predictable at the moment, I'll give them that--but it isn't very compelling either, and I think if they'd worry less about surprising us and more about entertaining us, they'd show us just what exactly these people are saying to one another, even if it tips their hands.

Peace and have great week :)