Survivor 5.9

A couple unrelated musings before we start: 1) do any of my fellow Angelenos have trouble watching "24" this year because we live in the "blast area?" 2) If Luke Perry, Ian Ziering and Gabrielle Carteris et al could play high schoolers on "Beverly Hills 90210" when they were freaking 30 years old, why the heck can't we get to have the same kids be in all seven "Harry Potter" movies? Seriously, what's the big deal if by the end Daniel Radcliffe is 21 playing 17? 3) Do the people working the drive through windows think I'm suspiciously counting my change when I'm merely seeing if I've gotten that elusive "Mississippi" quarter? Any and all answers will be entertained...

Anyway, a few weeks ago I mentioned that they did the most biased "Previously on Survivor" recap. This week it was the LOOOOOOOONGEST. They might as well have read my last review out loud before the episode started, it took forever. I guess they think people might be joining the show late--hard to believe with CBS running promos like, "This week, someone's gonna win a super reward and come home with a full stomach!" Well La dee frickin dah, let me set my VCR.

Last week, I forgot to take the historical tour of the number 9 spot with Erin so let's get that out of the way. Erin joins he of the Coconut Phone, Greg, and strong but outnumbered Alicia as victims of the majority tribe (though Erin technically was ousted by both tribes). This was the point in the game that we were stunned by Kelly's exit, when she paid the price for a vote against Lex that she never cast. Last year, arrogant John went out sobbing as juror number one after Paschal and Neleh turned the tables on the Smugglies. Those last two make me feel especially ripped off, as last week was a snorefest.

Night at Chewing Hard. Once again, the Gums are speculating how the vote is going to go, and it's split between Ken and Erin--which I don't get at all. I mean, since the Sucks don't know if the merge is happening or not, why would they dump Ken at that point? Helen's on the right track (and very funny, I might add) when she impersonates Penny, "Ohhh, this is so hard but I think I'm gonna have to stab my friend Erin the back!" Brian's Ken impression is far more bizarre, "How's my hair, Jeff? I'd like to point out, in case you didn't know, that I'm one of America's finest, a New York City policeman--you put on that uniform, you get all kind of bitches." Now, since we've never seen Ken say anything remotely like this, I'm just gonna assume that Brian is thinking about one of his movies. And Brian is the one who's always slicking his hair back at every opportunity--Ken always has his hat on. I'm saying it now, worst case scenario: Final Two: Brian and Clay.

The tired and depressed Sucks return and share one of their famous, "We Love one another SO DANGED MUCH!" hugs before rejoining the others at the campfire. The Gums pretend to give a rat's ass that Erin's gone, "Wow, that's rough," as Jake tries to drum up some sympathy as the weary leader who keeps having to sacrifice his own people. Penny says sadly, "Erin was like a sister to me--and she's been my sleeping partner the whole time we've been out here!" That can't be as homoerotic as it sounds...can it?

Next morning, Jake gathers everyone around the fire for story time---apparently Helen isn't the only one prone to boring everyone else to death. Jake tells us that he likes to tell stories because he wants everyone to know that even though he's older than the rest, he's an adventurer same as them. He begins one, "Ya'll want to here about the first time I killed me a bear when I was only three? It's a hysterical story," but it's really only mildly amusing if you ask me--and everyone on the island. When two people give a tentative yes, he dives right in, and most everyone appears to be barely paying attention enough to react politely at the appropriate times. Ted thinks Jake is showing off and exaggerating, while Clay spits jealously, "We'reallsickofhisRoyRogersstoriesaboutJakethemountainmanwho
wrasslesgrizzlybearsandfightsoffmenwithaligators!" I think Clay has a complex about being short. That night, when Clay looks up at the moon and admits to the others how much he misses his family, Helen sings a lovely version of Elvis' classic "Are you Lonesome Tonight," and CBS adds some really pretty underscore. It was a nice moment.

Reward Haiku--no poems appeared on camera, and CBS, if you need a new poem person, I am available!

merge into one tribe
but live on diff'rent islands
just kidding suckers

Everyone takes a seat in a multi-colored seat around a TV screen. Jeff says, "I imagine by now you're all missing you're loved ones. No, none of them are here on the island. We offered, but they *just* don't love you guys enough to come, heh heh. Seriously, though we loved the cruelty involved in bringing them out here but not allowing you to really talk to them, we just can't afford the airfare since we lost the Doritos endorsement." Everyone except Ted gets to see a brief segment of a video made by their families and almost all of them cry. Jeff asks Penny, "Does being away from a person make you realize how special that relationship is?" And Penny should say, "You mean does absence make the heart grow fonder, Jeff? Well, yeah, no duh!" But instead she says, "Yer darned tootin' it does, Jeff. I'm just so moved by how in love everyone is with their loved ones and golly, I've learned so many great recipes from Helen--and I mean A LOT of recipes let me tell ya. I'm looking forward to goin' home and bakin' myself the happiest darned marriage there ever was!" Okay, I said she wasn't evil, I never said she wasn't workin' it.

Jeff then asks Ted if he's worried that he hasn't been shown his clip yet and Ted says, "You're killing me, Jeff." I'm sure those of us who watched the first season of "Survivor" all had flashbacks to the infamous reward challenge in which Jenna didn't get a video, and the ever-weepy contestant sobbed because she couldn't even see a glimpse of her twin daughters who she talked about CONSTANTLY. Fortunately, Jeff has just saved Ted's clip because he wants Ted to tell the others about his "new addition." Turns out, Ted's wife gave birth just as he had to leave for Thailand and an infection kept her from coming home before Ted had to catch his Survivor plane. Is that supposed to make me feel sympathy for Ted or make me think, "What the hell are you doing, going on a month long game show when your newborn baby's in the freaking hospital!" I watch so many reality game shows (Survivor, Big Brother, Mole, and Amazing Race) and I admit I'm always judgmental of the people crying over missing their school-aged kids. Hey I know a way not to miss your kids--don't leave them for forty days! I know there response is always how much the kids need the money, but they need their parents more *Cat's in the Cradle* playing...

Anyway, Jeff makes a big deal of showing the group new golden "buffs" and saying, "Now, I'll bet you guys are ASSUMING that these new buffs mean you're all gonna be merged into one tribe--since you're so good at ASSUMING things....ahem...and, uh, you're RIGHT this time! You're merged!" Everyone seems really happy about this, even though it kinda dooms the Sucks. I mean, the old way, they could all three win immunity at once. Not that I mind, I'm glad we're on to individual immunity challenges--they're more fun to watch. To win a look at their entire video, the now merged Chuay Jai/Chewing Hard tribe is randomly broken into to pairs to complete what I felt was a pretty complicated obstacle course. Ken and Clay beat Jan and Jake (who always seem to wind up with each other, what's up with that?) Brian and Helen beat Ted and Penny and then in the semi finals, Brian and Helen take out Ken and Clay. One of the tasks involves moving a ball through a long netted tube, which leads Jeff to utter the very disturbing line, "Helen is working that fishnet!" Brian wins the run-off with Helen and the group heads back to the leafy lounge to watch his tape...

La casa de Brian es muy interesante y es una problema por la estrella de porno--Ay Caramba!

I wanted to say "might be a problem" but I long ago forgot how to do subjunctive verbs en espanol. Brian wins a pitcher of lemonade (or perhaps limeade) which he shares with the group. The ousted and fastidious Robb is spared the indignity of sharing a glass with the whole tribe :) As Jeff pushes play Brian nervously warns the group, "If my wife does anything embarrassing, heh heh, I apologize--she's kinda crazy." For those of you who think she's also kinda hot--or, ahem, kinda familiar--you should know that she too is a former soft-porn star--that's how they met. Insert "And they say romance is dead" joke here. Insert "insert" joke here. Mrs. Brian dances around suggestively, raising many a Survivor's eyebrows. Jake seems to glare disapprovingly. Clay says, "ShewasafoxIwannatellayashe'sfitforthebikini!" And she's fit for *no bikini* if ya catch my drift, wink wink.

Brian confides in us that *maybe* it wasn't such a good idea for everyone to see his casa, because he wanted to remain *a mystery.* Whatever, dude, no one forced you to win the stupid challenge. When the Mrs. says, "The house is a real mess," he mutters, "Well then why don't you clean it, woman?" like he's joking but you know he's not joking. I wonder what kind of calamity could have befallen Brian's wife to tear her away from the joyful biological imperative of dishwashing? Anyway, the house looks pretty danged spotless on video, as she shows off his white, baby grand piano and the two nice cars in the garage, one of which she calls "the Caddy." Helen seems especially cheesed off and tells us, "Two new cars? A piano? If I were against him, that'd be enough to vote him off--college boy doesn't need the money!" This is apparently a big issue for the class-conscious Helen, who cast a vote for Clay in week one because he seemed well off to her (he does own a restaurant). The rest of the Survivor's stew as Mrs. Porn Star coos, "We want you to win the million dollars so we can all go to FIJI!!!" I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but (gulp) in all fairness to Brian, the guy does sell cars for a living and I imagine gets great deals on them. Were those really *new* cars or just really nice used cars that Brian gets first crack at--sans extras and his own commission etc? And you know what, so the hell what if he DOES have more money than everyone else? "Survivor" is a game show, not a need-based scholarship!

Back at camp the girls seem to take charge of making the new flag and everyone takes turn putting a different colored handprint on the golden banner. Clay claims, "Nowwe'remergedhere'swheretherealgamebegins!"
No it isn't, you moron. The game began the second you got on that boat, and everything you've ever said or not said, done or claimed to have done but haven't will come into play. Just ask John and Tanya and Ghandia. Meanwhile Ken is hopeful that his strength will give him a good chance to win individual immunity enough times to stay alive. Interesting that since Kelly and Colby in seasons 1 & 2 we haven't had anyone really dominate the immunities--Lex won more than I care to remember but not the one that counted.

Brian declares that, "now whoever is the most annoying to the others is in the most danger." Sadly, the audience doesn't get to vote on who that is. When Helen and Penny (who seems to facilitate Helen's recipe raving) start talking about sauces, Ted takes the boat out to take in some quality alone time. Seems to me the smart thing to do is say, "I'm gonna go fishing," or "I'm gonna get some water." There are ways to look productive when you're really just avoiding others. Hasn't Ted ever worked in an office before? Ted admits, "Most people don't like to go off alone--they don't want to be perceived as a loner. I'm definitely taking a risk by doing this."

Sure enough, everyone at camp is going nuts about Ted's departure. "He went off without tellin' anyone," Jan raves while Penny speculates, "I don't think he meant to go out that far." Brian tries to diffuse the situation, "Big deal, he probably just wanted to be by himself for a while." Penny wonders if Ted is the odd man out amongst the Gums. But it's that little jerk Clay who tries to make the biggest stink about Ted's trip. First he runs him down to Jan, "Yeahhe'sbigbuthecan'trunatall," Jan says he's not much of a swimmer either and Clay agrees, "Nawhecan'tswimalickneither!" Even though, if memory serves, it was CLAY that used a flotation devise when the he and Brian and Ted swam to the Island of Lost Boats. Then he goes to Helen to discuss how stubborn he is, "IfIjustleavehimalonehewon'tpissmeoffit'seitherhiswayorthehighway!" Helen mostly smiles and nods, as does Brian when Clay gushes, "IfwegetridofTedwemarchrightintothefinaltwo!" *Shudder* Clay does stop short of claiming to see Ted chomping on beef jerky and getting the tribe to search his bag. They have Brian telling us that he won't honor his commitment to Ted to his own detriment, which is *supposed* to make us think he'd throw Ted over for Clay but I doubt it.

Jake says, "I don't know who to trust on the other team." Um...NO ONE? So of course he goes to fellow good ol' boy Clay who feeds him Ted on a silver platter, "Everyone'ssickofTedwelovehimandallbutifwehadtovotesomeoneout
that'swhoit'dbeitwasgonnabeKenbutnoweveryone'ssayinghe'saniceguy." Jake takes Clay at his word and tells Ken and Penny that Ted is out. What did Shii Ann say at her ouster about over-strategizing? This is stupid on Clay's part for two reasons: 1) If you assume that Jake is doomed to be a juror, why give him a reason to resent the hell out of you by lying to his face and making him look like a fool? 2) Why give Ted a reason to go after you when he finds out why the Sucks are all voting for him? You know they will because once they realize that Clay used them why wouldn't they tell Clay to watch his back?

Immunity Haiku

it's all up to you
you can't blame Jan anymore
unless you ARE Jan

The Immunity Necklace is very elaborate and metal and pointy! The Immunity challenge is exceptionally hard, I thought. First, the Survivors are shown 9 numbers and their corresponding Thai symbol. They have to memorize them. Jake, Helen, Jan, Ted & Brian are all out with the first try. Penny gets one right but can't get a second and Ken and Clay move on to the really really hard final part. There are oodles of sand-covered mounds, underneath which are cards with instructions on what mound holds the next card. So, Ken and Clay have to remember all the Thai numbers to understand where to find TEN cards. It's like the "Roadblock" on "Amazing Race" a couple weeks ago that everyone skipped, but choosing to do ATV's instead is not an option for Ken and Clay. I was admittedly impressed with how well Clay did, but it didn't last long. When he started crowing, "Iknowilooksexybabyiknowilooksexy!" I was right back to really hating the guy.

Ken knows his second place finish has only proved to the Gums that he should be next, "I'm big and strong and dey'd be stupid not to get rid uh me!" Jake decides that since Brian is such a "real class act," (I know, I know) He's the real threat. He's the guy you don't want beside you at the end because everyone loves him so much they'll give him the money (I guess Helen has been keeping mum about her class resentment). He tries to get Clay on board and says, "I need you to get one of the women--you can handle one of the women, right? And bring her over to our side? This is a good plan for you because it gets you in the top two for sure!" UGH! It infuriates me how confident they are about making it to the final two based on their own scheming when it could very well be in the hands of whomever that third person is! Anyway, Clay continues to stupidly shine Jake on but he's not stupid enough to actually go against the "sure thing" of his old tribe, at least not to save the dangerous Ken. Ken and Jake seem to sincerely believe that joining them would be a good move for Clay which gives me hope that they know how unliked he is by the rest of the gums...maybe? Which leads one to wonder why the Sucks didn't try to recruit Ted, if they really believe that he's odd man out, and at least bring Clay's conniving into the light. Oh right, that would have been interesting, never mind. Ken says he's going to vote for Ted because "Chewing Gum is saying dey're voting for Ted." Is it just Clay or is this coming from others as well? As they prepare for Tribal Council, Jan mutters something about her "clavage," as she mispronounces it, leaking out and Jake mutters back crankily, "Oh, yeah, we're all turned on right now." It was a very odd moment that I don't quite know what to do with, except file it under "Jan: Crazy" and "Jake: Creepy".

Tribal Council

Jeff brings in the jury, and Erin bounces in wearing a red tank top that can barely contain her enormous boobs--though no clavage is leaking out. Jeff asks Clay, "How do things change now that it's an individual game?" Clay let's loose, "Everyone'stryingtofigureoutwhereIstandwhat'sPenny'sstrong
pointswhat'sKen'showcanIfitinhowcanIbeatthebigguysandI'mnotabigguy--"
His speech was literally truncated by CBS because the guy never shuts up. Whenever they're coming back from a challenge he's always chirping away in the background about nothing and he's almost impossible to understand. He's like a cross between Ozzy Osbourne and Boomhauer from "King of the Hill."

Jeff asks Jake if everyone's being real (is there significance that he follows Clay's ramblings with this question?) and Jake responds, "I'm just trying to be as genuine as I can be--it's a game of lies and we have to ferret out the biggest liars and get rid of them as quick as we can!" Interesting coming from a guy who is probably telling both Ken and Clay and possibly Brian that it's the two of them to the end. Penny might be on that list to, but she's spending her time with Helen and Jan...hmmm. Jeff asks Ted if he regrets anything he's done lately, and Ted says, "If you're referring to my going off by myself, I was just really sad after seeing my daughter and then not being able to play with her or hold her, that's all." Well played, Ted. Hopefully everyone felt like dirt for dissing him behind his back. Penny refuses to bite when Jeff wonders if things are starting to bother her, "Not really. I love the merge! I'm just so darned happy to be part of this new tribe--these people are so great and I'm *so* not a threat to any of them. *bats eyelashes* The only really strange moment comes when Jeff asks Brian what the vote is going to come down to tonight. Instead of saying "self interest," he claims, "Production, or lack thereof. Who's working around camp and who isn't." Which presumably leaves out the women who are in chore heaven on the island. This seemed like Brian's way of implying to the Sucks that they were actually going to vote out Ted...unless Ken has become freakin' lazy since the merge.

Time to vote and CBS doesn't show us a single one, to try and make us think Clay might have been voting for Ted when he says, "You'reaneatguybutyou'vegottagowe'vegottagetridofthestrong
soanimpotentlittleshrimplikemetokeepgoing." Jeff reads the Sucks three votes for Ted first to add some tension but Ken goes down as expected. Hilariously, Ted wrote "NYC" in big letters but wrote "(ken)" really small underneath so that Jeff wouldn't yell at him the way he did Clay at the Ghandia vote, tee hee. Ken goes out in the 8 spot, joining the aforementioned Jenna; Evil Jerri, duplicitous Brandon and robotic Zoe.

If Jake or Penny isn't out this week I'll eat a hat--gladly because it'll mean something interesting happened! Seems like Helen and Jan could join with Jake and Penny to even their odds a little...I'm just saying. I'd lean to the chauvinistic boys getting rid of Jake, who they perceive as more threatening then Penny, but I wonder if Clay and Brian want to keep him around as a "spare" ally, if Ted gets mad at them. Of course, Jake shouldn't trust either of them after this vote so...who knows. I'm still not really rooting hard for anyone. I'd put Helen, Ted and Jan towards the top of my "That'd be okay" list, Penny and Jake in the "Meh, I guess that wouldn't suck" list and Brian and Clay in the "Oh, please No!" list. Jake's arrogance and weirdness have helped him slide from the top all the way to indifference, though if he or Penny kept hanging on to win immunity, it might give them that underdog thing that usually works with me. In his farewell speech, Ken asks "If any of youse ladies feel sorry for me, I really like chocolate chip cookies." I think Helen knows a good recipe for chocolate chip cookie BARS, Ken ;)

Peace :D