Survivor 4.4: The best laid plans of mice-brained men...

Wait, I don't have anything against mice...:)

Anyone still in shock from seeing SILAS on stage with Whoopi at the freakin' Oscars? Apocalypse, Now? Because that *has* to be one of the signs...

Well, it was a shake-up, and a pretty good one. I don't think it changes the big picture all that much, but it does save Gina--even if she goes next week, at least she had three days with good people instead of the jerks. And we lose Sarah, perhaps the stupidest and least deserving character in Survivor history. Jerri's pretty stooge Amber was a more worthy competitor.

First things first. Moronmu is back at camp after the stunning dismissal of my fiancée, Hunter Ellis. Chachi and Sean are making a big "Lord of the Flies" (They've been on the island, what, 12 days? and have already cracked) bonfire and exulting in their victory over their moral, intellectual and everything-else superior. Chachi mutters to Sean proudly, "I don' tink Huntuh saw it comun a mile away," and that's not even an appropriate use of the expression, "I saw it coming a mile away," meaning something's obvious--I don't think it works in reverse, "I didn't see it coming a mile away," because it's quite natural for a person not to be able to see what is a mile away even when wearing one's glasses. Yeah, I'm being that nitpicky and uncharitable when it comes to Evil Chachi, who gloats to the camera, "Wit owt uh doubt, dis is my game and I'm duh one pullin' duh strings," which must have given Mark Burnett a chuckle or two back at the hotel. Gina (reality television's answer to Angie Harmon) is not pleased and tells us what we already know, that Rob and Sean voted out Hunter so they could be the boss of everything. When she calls them on this, and asks why on earth they wouldn't just vote out her instead, keeping the tribe's strongest member, no one gives her a straight answer, or even looks her in the eye, cowards! Sarah mumbles, "I think...we all probably had a different reason, mine being Rob's which I don't remember. We just wanted to do something different." Since voting out the strong and smart instead of the weak and stupid is to Sarah's benefit, I can't fault her on this, but her very existence till bothers me. She sputters on, "I don't know, it's hard to explain what Ro---I mean, what I was thinking and I don't know how to handle people who try to look me in the eye instead of gawking at my horrifyingly huge fake boobs!" Rob finally says, "I'm glad I voted the way I did," and Sarah adds, "After seeing the votes, I'm glad I did too," apparently referring to the fact that she herself got two votes--Sarah is of course too idiotic to realize she couldn't have joined Hunter and Gina in voting out HERSELF, even by accident. Sean remarkably keeps his mouth shut during all this, while Vecepia doesn't seem to be there at all--I'm sure she's out praying somewhere, and keeping her name out of all the drama. Whatever, V, whatever. Gina frets, "They think this is the beginning, I just hope its not the end. Now that we've voted out someone useful and hard working, and are even LESS likely to win immunity--they don't want someone like me around." Fortunately, Mark Burnett does.

Cut to Camp Happiness, where everyone is delighting in their good fortune and their wonderful tribe. John is doing Nelah's hair, Pappy Paschal is raving about how Rotu isn't just a tribe--it's a family! Tammy gushes, "Every day we go to bed so in love with each other and we wake up to an even better day! Nothing could derail our joy! Nothing!" Gabe's broken record plays, "The reason we keep beating Moronmu in the challenges is that we love and respect one another, man. We love to provide for one another." Blah blah love love blah blah, Kathy makes toasted coconut chips and praises John for being such a great cook, Tammy glows, "In case you didn't catch it the five hundred previous times we've said it, "We are just one big happy family! What could possibly break us up?? I can't conceive of any plot twist that could alter the loving,. respectful, joyous world we've created here!"

Calling all this foreshadowing would be too kind. WE GET IT, Survivor, everything's gonna change in the first TEN Minutes! We KNOW!

Gina and Chachi get the mail and Vecepia reads it to the tribe:

We don't want to tell you a thingMisconceptions we want you to bringStand on a diskThere may be some risk'Specially to your evil ring

It's very vague, and everyone wonders if it means standing and keepin your balance or whatever. It's not apparent AT ALL from the poem that there's a switch happening, but Sean still says "Here's where the game gets really interesting!" I think one of the line producers slipped him a candy bar to say that, "We need it for the promo, just say it after you hear the uninteresting poem and don't ask any questions!"

So, they all arrive to the challenge beach and Jeff says, "No challenge today--though Gina will be rewarded and everyone else will be punished!" They all stand on disks, randomly, and one by one, Jeff tells them to check under them and find out what tribe they are now in. Now, I thought this was pretty cool--it's the only real way to switch them up because they can't surprise them like last season. That being said, it was hardly the "Most exciting ten minutes in the HISTORY of television," as promised by TV commercials. I mean, face it. If you're a Survivor fan a) you knew something was coming and b) You 're gonna watch the whole show and not just the "first ten minutes!" Right? And if you're not a fan of the show, then a tribe shake-up is hardly exciting to you. You'd need a good fist-fight to get a non-fan in, at this point. Anyway, the numbers don't change, just the personnel. Gina and Sarah stay at Maraamu, welcoming Nelah, Krazy Kath and Pappy Paschal. Sean, Chachi & Vecepia go over to Rotu. The angry look on Chachi's face was truly priceless. Sarah looked lost, Zoe looked like she wanted to plant Jeff in the sand, face first. Seriously, don't cross Zoe. EVERYONE was unhappy with the switch, except for Gina who was grinning from ear to ear. Jeff assures them all that this was decided long ago--which is odd. I think they always planned an uneven shake-up, but this early? I dunno. On the other hand, I don't think this makes the game *that* much more interesting. Seems to me, this just allows Rotu to get rid of Maraamu quicker, really.

At New Maraamu, Gina and Sarah show off the camp. The newbies are agog over the plentiful fruit trees and how easy it is to eat. Gina says, "It was refreshing to be with people who don't suck." Looks like Chachi won't be complaining about having to eat grapefruit all day--they don't have any at Rotu :) Gina tells the group she used to teach school but now she's a bartender/grad student. I think, if you want to get on Survivor, you should say you're a bartender, even if you're not. It seems to help. Turns out Kath has left real estate to pursue the same thing as Gina: environmental studies. Sarah says, "Kath and Gina hit it off right away. They're both smart. I'm glad Gina has a friend." Sarah is just...this simple. She's not evil at all, just easily influenced. She should be threatened by Gina's ability to hit it of with the other tribe, but she's genuinely... I don't know if happy fits since Sarah seems rather bored about pretty much everything, but pleased, let's say that Gina isn't alone. It's almost sad. Also sad is Sarah's explaining how great the morning radio show was, which just doesn't translate anyway, let alone when told by the personality-challenged Sarah, who reveals her role on the show: "I was the Beauty." On a RADIO SHOW, people. Then again, my dad tells me that they used to listen to tap dancers and ventriloquists on the radio when he was a kid, so who am I to judge Sarah, the radio beauty. Then Sarah mentions that Hunter was the weather guy, allowing Gina to reveal, "Hunter's the magnificent man they voted out last night," and Nelah and Pappy talk about how they thought that Hunter was going to go til the end, and how shocked they were to see him gone and Sarah--who could and should just keep her mouth shut here, says, "Yeah, he was really strong and really hard-working and *The Four* [like she wasn't one of them?] voted him out for...some reason...where's Rob? Gina, where's Rob is he coming back?" Not to go all geek on you, but she's like a Borg cut off from the hive, she's just utterly unable to function without Chachi the Puppetmaster. Gina just stares at her in stunned disbelief. Pappy tells us he's glad to be at the new camp as the lazy people have gone on, and there's all this fruit. Nelah and Kath also rave about the fruit--apparently, it's better than love and happiness, at least when you're on Survivor. They don't seem to miss their old tribesmen.

At Rotu, Sean greets the new camp thusly, "It's better than the PROJECTS. May I remind you, I'm black, and I hope that makes y'all uncomfortable!' Tammy thinks new people are neat-o. John passes around the toasted coconut flakes (Survivor: the breakfast cereal, anyone?) and Chachi raves about it in what we now recognize as his "I'm just a likeable joe" suck-up routine. Vecepia says, "Well, on the one hand, they seemed to genuinely welcome us into the tribe, but on the other hand, they seemed to want us to work. Like, right away? Which wasn't cool. They *immediately* started giving us chores and that's when we realized that no one on this tribe is lazy and funloving like us. Me and the guys were STUNNED because, at Maraamu, we like to chill and play pretend radio show, you know?" However, Vecepia learns everyone's nicknames and does her share without complaint to her new tribesmen--she ain't stupid.

Rob has been thrown for a loop by the realignment, "I dunno how tuh ovuh come duh numbuh a'vantage dat dey have. I ain't so good with numbuhs anyway." Then we get Chachi's inferiority-complex inspired run-down of his new tribe: "Gabe seems ah-right. He's smaht, but not as smaht as he thinks he is. John seems like a big time quee-uh tuh me. He seems tough, but dehn he duz all duh cookin' which is, like, soooooo gay. I won' be seeplin' nex tuh him dat's fuh shore!" Then he dissects Big Rob, who goes by the nickname "The General." Big Rob has a tattoo on his arm, reminding him of this fact. Chachi grins, "The General seems nice, mostly cuz he's a big, strong, straight, blue-collah guy like me. He wants everyone tuh know what a big tough guy he is--he probably has a little sausage," He giggles like a ten-year-old. You know, it's funny Rob: You're quick to point out that John's homosexuality makes you uncomfortable, yet *you're* the only guy talking about anyone else's...ahem, wiener. Maybe it's the General who should be worried about sleeping next to *you* He continues, "Tammy's engaged, and fur dat reason alone, no hope uh huh fallin' fuh my irresistable chahm. Zoe, c'mon, she's the toughest man in duh tribe." Well Chachi, despite you're low opinion of them, they have managed to kick your ass three ways from Sunday in every single solitary competition.

Does Rob deliberately shave his face to look that stupid, or is he just incapable of growing a full mustache at the tender age of 26?

At Maraamu, Gina gives the newbies a lesson in pronunciation. Turns out, it's mar-uh-AH-moo, not muh-RAH-mu. Gina is thrilled when everyone is eager to get to work and fetch water. On the way, Gina tells Nelah how perfect and noble and good Hunter was, and how the evil ones dismissed him out of jealousy and spite. Pappy, Nelah and Kath are unpleasantly surprised when they see that Maraamu has no waterfall and clear spring. They have a hole in the ground where they get water to boil. It's a trade-off for the fruit. Gina tells us, "I know these guys are really tight and they're disappointed to be separated form Camp Happiness, but I'm so thrilled to be with them instead of those lazy sons of bitcches I could jus' cry. I know they still have the numbers advantage and can pick us off one by one, and I actually hope to hell that's what happens over at Rotu to Sean and Rob and V, cuz they deserve whatever they git!" Word!

Back to Rotu, where justice is served! Rob and Sean are sweating like the pigs they are, toiling alongside their hardworking new tribe. Rob moans, "It's like, two duhgrees shy uh hell hee-uh. Dey's wuhkuh-holicks. No one wants to play "pretend radio show," no one wants to chase roostuhs. No one has big fake plastic boobs, it's terrible. Dey always wants yuh duh do stuff: 'we gotta make uh fire so we don' freeze, we gotta get shells so we don' starve' blah blah blah. I wish Huntuh an' Gina was here to do all that junk so me an' Sean an' Sarah an' V could re-establish Chill Town--oh wait, wrong reality show."

Sean, meanwhile, is digging a ditch alongside the General, using oars instead of shovels. The two men, one white and the other black, are sharing equally in the load but Sean is still on his "Work means oppression" kick, raving, "We're doin' too much labor! I feel like the MASTER is watching--I can here the Roots theme playing in the background. I don't like being tired at night, I wanna sit by the fire, waaaaah!" Is Sean aware that he personally was never a slave? And that all of Rotu is working as hard as he is? And that it says in that Bible he keeps flashing around: "Do all things without grumbling or disputing; that you may prove yourselves blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world"? (Philippians 2:14-15) Somehow, I doubt it.

Later, despite their declarations to the contrary, Sean and Rob are allowed to rest on the beach. They are both wearing bandanas (I refuse to call them "buffs" okay?) over their faces. Either something smells, or they think they're being cute, or they were just playing cowboys and indians, I'm not sure which. Y'know, last week I said Rob's listed occupation of "construction worker" was ominous, but now it seems just plain dubious, if carrying fire wood for a couple hours is this exhausting to him. At any rate, Chachi and Sean are moaning about how hard everything is. Still playing games, they give each other mock-radio interviews, and clearly think they're adorable. They bitch about the work, about how this tribe's women aren't as hot as Sarah and Gina, and about how John is gay. Rob, clearly having trouble with even the simplest math as there are only 8 people total at Camp Happiness, sneers, "Deh's eight men and one woman in did tribe--heh name is John." Even childish Sean won't go there, "I don't know nothin' about that," he demurs. Just then Tammy arrives with some food. They kiss her ass and tell her how much they like her. When she leaves, they chortle, "There's a woman who knows her place!" Then they dream of running away. I made this point last year, but let me elaborate: It occurs to me that a lot of potential employers watch "Survivor." Also, future wives. Run ladies, RUN AWAY!!! Tammy assures me, "We'll feed them whether they work or not--we're not monsters, after all! But they'll be out of here!" Please, please, please let this be true!

Back at Maraamu, it's the Return of Kath :D :D :D :D Yay! The group decide to go for a hike. Kath takes on the role of leader, barks at everyone to keep up, then promptly gets them all lost but won't admit it, "Everyone enjoyed the hike *to a point,* but then they got tired. I have to remind myself, 'Kath, remember, most people are not as strong as we are." Gina picks up on Nelah and Pappy's annoyance with Kath, and sees a glimmer of hope--maybe she can drive a wedge between them? I'd love for Gina to survive into the merge, but I ain't holding my breath. Kath continues, "Fortunately, we pressed on, and thanks to my diligence, we found a little pool with some large shrimp in it." Everyone joins together to try and catch some much needed protein except for Sarah, who *stares blankly* and scratches her legs and then decides she's too miserable to help and heads back to camp. I loved how Gina said, "We surely didn't care," and how much she enjoyed when Sarah got lost and had to come back. Sarah tells us, "Look, unlike everyone else, I'm suffering, okay? I've lost weight, I'm hungry, I've got bug bites...where's Rob?" Kath tells us, "Sarah likes to be a useless, brainless, vacant lump--that's her thing. The rest of us like to work." Sarah's fate is sealed.

At Rotu, Tammy continues to bring the pigs food, which causes Gabe and I to frown. Sean is growing more disgruntled by the minute, raving, "All we can do is win the immunity challenges. This group is tight, we don't have a chance of making any kind of good impression so why bother working hard? Why bother working at all? I'm not gonna kiss anyone's butt and I can't keep my mouth shut for more than two minutes so they better watch out!" Sure enough, he unloads on Gabe, "Y'all are gonna vote us out anyway so we're--and I apparently speak for all of us--we're not gonna try and impress you by doing our share of the chores--" Gabe interrupts, "I want you to listen to me--" and for all Sean knows, he's gonna tell him that there are alliances within Camp Happiness and that he, Gabe, might need some help from Sean but Sean won't hear it, "We're not gonna be you're SLAVES," he growls, which seems to offend Gabe. Sean continues, "I'm a grown man out here! I'm comin' out of my shell to tell you that I'm a whiny, lazy, good for nothing wimp and I insist you vote my out first!" then he stalks off without giving the STUNNED Gabe a chance to speak, which hardly seems like a grown-man thing to do. Come to think of it, most grown men I know actually have bosses and jobs and ARE expected to work and pull their weight and answer to other human beings. Grown men actually have to do more of it than kids, Sean. Kids can play "pretend radio show" all day, men have to work.

Sean tries to get V's opinion on what just happened as she, oddly enough, is doing chores. She tells him, "Uh, yeah, I'm SMART? So, while I'm not going to do anything to piss off you and Rob, I'm also not going to be confrontational with our new tribespeople, nor am I going to be seen conspiring with you, nor am I gonna shirk my duties. Yes, they're gonna try to pick us off one by one, but if I can be third on their list, I can maybe survive into the merge and who know what'll happen then. Drama free is the way to be, chump!" I'm still mad at her for the Hunter vote, but Vecepia is playing the game well so far.

At Maraamu, Gina and Kath get the mail. The poem indicates that there's weaving involved and Kath smirks, "Good thing weaving is one of the *many* things I excel at!" They return to camp, where a napping Sarah has wrapped herself in Pappy's American flag in a pathetic and misguided attempt to win votes. Kath suspects that Rotu might roll over and let them win so that they can get rid of one of the pigs--which makes sense to me but it doesn't work out that way. As the previous day's hike foreshadowed, Kath barks orders and takes charge, but her leadership is inept and Rotu wins again. Rob and Sean bask in their first victory even though they were sitting on the sidelines.

Then, at least in LA, there was a full minute of terrifying NOTHINGNESS and then "Please Stand BY"on my screen. CBS, don't EVER DO THAT TO ME DURING SURVIVOR AGAIN. I didn't appear to have missed anything. Kath is going on and on about That Rotu Spirit, "They just have this intense fire about them, that's the way they do their challenges and that's why they win!" Which I'm pretty sure was Kath's super stealthy passive aggressive way of saying, "You guys are a bunch of losers," but no one seemed to get that. Sarah is standing in the water, posing for fashion photographers only she can see. Gina sighs, "Sarah's pretty much given up. I think she *must* know she's going tonight, although, being the brainless twit that she is, she might not have a clue!" Cut to Sarah who shrugs, "Everyone really likes each other, no one's plotting...it could be anyone, really. I'm voting for Kathy because she's being so overbearing LIKE MY MOTHER, who isn't the boss of me anymore cuz I'm, like, 24? So screw her and all women who remind me of her even a little bit!" CBS gives it their best shot at trying to hide the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS departure of Sarah, but besides her anti-Kath statement the best they can do is Nelah, "Golly willikers, Kathy's really really super hard-working and, shucks, sometimes she can be...I don't wanna be mean or anything, but she can be sort of bossy? And when she wants something done she can get sort of high strung and panicky and sometimes that makes the rest of us panicky, a little." *angelic smile* That's trash-talking, Nelah-style. Sarah is SO DEAD. Kath isn't so sure though, "I was out bush-wacking--which I;m really good at. I think it's because I grew up near the ocean. I was talking to myself and I said, 'Kath, you never know, okay? you might get voted off.' And then I argued, 'that wouldn't be fair, Kath, I'm a hard worker!' And then I replied, "Kath, calm down, I'm not saying it's probable but, Nelah and Paschal *could* be tired of our leadership--' 'They're weak, Kath Weak I say! Anything could happen!" There's something alarming about how wide Kathy keeps her eyes open as wide as she possibly can at all times.

Tribal Council. Nelah, Kathy and Paschal have to be taught about the torch lighting etc, having never been, and Jeff sounds yet even more bored than he did the first time as he tells them how fire represents life etc. etc. etc. Paschal raves about the new location and the fruit and the tribe mood. Jeff asks Gina if she liked the switch-up, "It was awesome, best day of my life!" Jeff wonders,"Do you think you were next," "Uh....DUH! Yes!" "Do you miss any of those creeps?" "Uh...DUH! No!" Then Jeff (the MASTER of the leading question) asks Kathy, "So ARE you in the loser tribe now?" But his taunt fails to provoke any of her alternate personalities from surfacing. She replies calmly, "Hey, I liked Rotu. It was a strong team of winners. When I got switched, I cycled from manic to depressed faster than I ever have in my entire life! I'm competitive, okay? So, yeah, this is disappointing but TRUST ME, I've survived FAR worse." Nelah agrees with Kathy and Paschal that, "Leapin' Lizards, it sure was a shock when we got switched, Mr. Probst. But it's been ever so much fun meeting these new people and everything and the beach is beautiful! Thanks!" Sarah thinks the switch was good, "It was a surprise but it was cool to meet the other people...have you seen Rob anywhere?" Sarah goes down 4-1. She votes for Kathy, but only writes "K.O." for Kathy O'Brien. She only did "H.E." for Hunter--of course she probably can't spell. Wouldn't it be great if someone wrote a nickname or something and then had to explain it? Jeff doesn't know who it is and they have to raise they're hand and say, "Er...yeah...Chachi...that's what I call Rob. I forgot that that's only his nickname in my mind, heh heh, Sorry..." Sarah joins Ramona and Mitch, who were really just too sick to continue, and Linda, who's classic line "Did your mama never hug ya!?" still brings me joy to this day. No tragedy to see Simple Sarah go bye bye, but I fear Gina will go next. If this bunch can't win a weaving contest, I think they're pretty much dead, don't you? If by some miracle Maraamu wins, then I think Rotu axes Sean. The teaser implies some friction in Rotu, but I'm sure it's not enough to get the Love tribe to actually turn on one another until they've eliminated the newcomers. I'd be stunned if sweet Nelah and Honest Abe actually turned on Kath, let's face it, they're too decent. I'm afraid that Gina's almost certainly toast--victim of circumstance, what can you do?

Tonight's winner: Gina! She survives to face at least one more immunity challenge. Tonight's loser: Grammar. Both Nelah and Sarah say "Ex-pecially." Peace, Christine :)

Survivor 4.3 "The Horror, The Horror!"

Well, as you can imagine, I'm pretty riled up! I mean, I think Tom Ridge dropped the ball here because, that hour of television...watching an American hero get dismissed by a bunch of whiny idiots...that can't be good for national morale or Homeland security, if you ask me. Survivor four, and Hunter is no more! NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

:(

The thing to remember, the thing I keep having to remind myself of is this: Hunter gets to be Hunter the rest of his life. To quote Salt and Pepa, he's "secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man." He's laughing about this. Meanwhile, Rob and Sean have to be Rob and Sean for the rest of their lives. Always feeling threatened by the dozens of superior humans they encounter EVERY DAY. I don't even know WHAT to say about the girls, going along with this. Sarah is excusable because she's worthless and dumb and has no recourse other than to do Rob's bidding, but Vecepia's part in all this just boggles my mind.

Last week, stupid people made me sad. This week, they made me mad >:(

In the recap montage, Jeff inexplicably tells us that last week, Kathy "redeemed herself" by finding the food, which isn't what happened at all. However, to make this episode EVEN more sucky than it already was, Kathy goes all "tolerable" on us, toning it down and becoming a beloved member of the Rotu love tribe--Betrayed!!!

We open at Moronmu, with Vecepia telling us that "Coming back with only 6 members was a "check-up from the neck-up" and she asks the gang how they're feeling. Sarah goes off, "When I woke up and you guys ere gone, I knew you were talking about me behind my breasts! Next time, wake me up before you go-go!" What is it with Lazy Survivors and their sleep? It's Samboohoo all over again. Last season the torpid slugs (Lindsey, Silas, Lil Kim & Brandon) were always sleeping late into the morning, even though they didn't do any work. But you know what? At least they had the decency to be entertaining. Also, this isn't a generational issue. If one uses the definition of Gen X starting in 1965 and ending around 1977 or so, ALL the remaining Moronmu tribemembers are Gen X, except MAYBE Sarah who, at 24, I'll slide over to GEN Y, even though I know some people cheat Gen X up to 1980. Sean and Rob are enough for any generation to live down, though Hunter and Ethan cancel them out quite nicely (and they *would* be nice about it, I think...)

Anyway, Hunter calmly tells Sarah to relax and that she's being paranoid, and Sarah says, "APPARENTLY, I have to be," then impressed with herself, she says it again for emphasis. Sarah thinks all good things come in pairs...Gina tells Sarah that she decided to vote for Sarah only when she said that she didn't want to waste her nenergy on working and Sarah ACTUALLY interrupts Gina with "Saving my PERSONAL energy for the challenges!" as though this makes perfect sense--she saves her "personal" energy for the challenges, and, stored in another part of her body (one shudders to think), is the "group" energy she would use to do work...if she felt like it. Zuh? Vecepia goes all Mary J. Blige on us, begging for "No More Drama!" Gina looks mournfully at the fire.

Then Sean opens his mouth, and it's time for some more nonsensical posturing. "We're all grown people out here, I'm not a child, so respect me! Communicate with me and Respect me, waaaahhhh!" Everyone else says, "Uh...we all respect you, Sean," but he isn't having any of that. "You know what I just invented in my head? When you don't communicate to me in a manner I deem is submissive enough, it's a form of disrespect! It's also disrespectful to just ASSUME that people are gonna wake up at the same time as you!" Oy, AGAIN, with the sleep! I think Sean's braids are tied to tight, he doesn't make any sense, EVER.

Gina tells us, correctly, "Sarah and Sean don't want to be told what to do, but they don't know what to do and if you ask them to do something, they get pissed off about it!" Hunter calls Sean on his bizarre communication about communication, wondering, "So...you got mad because you felt I *asked* you to get water?" Sean babbles, "It's not like I got upset (LIE), but..its almost like you *told* me to get the water!" (NOT TRUE) Sarah jumps on this (sorry, boys, not literally), shouting "There's no ASKING, only Telling! You're not the boss of me, Hunter!" Hunter asks Sean, "Am I being selfish? Am I being bossy? Am I doing anything remotely wrong or inconsiderate or lazy like the rest of you jerks?" Sean replies, "Not at all. I just hate you because you're a bigger man in every way possible. You're a harder worker, you're stronger, you're taller, you're smarter, you're more informed, you're more controlled and you're better looking." Hunter tells us he's sick of all the complaining, "All they do is bitch and moan and carry on. This is a 39 day Survivor game, and it's only going to get harder." Word.

Throughout all this, Rob just sits there, letting everyone else tear each other apart. I hate Rob so much--to think, I called him "dear" in week one and felt protective of him! I guess this is how Chachi might have turned out had he not fallen under the streetwise--but moral tutelage of the Fonz. Yet, I have to give him *some* credit--it actually IS smart to be quiet during this pow wow. The thing about the dummy alliance is, you have three people who think they're pulling the strings--or at least who feel in control. Something's gotta give---preferably Rob's skull. Everyone agrees that "It's good we had this talk," and Vecepia wonders, "Gina, where are you at," and Gina has the good sense to hold back and say, "I'm fine, good to go!" She don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. But she is bitter inside. You and me both, babe.

And now for something completely different! Morning at the love tribe! Oh, those Rotu kids, they just love love one another! Yeah, it rained, which is a bummer, but just like friggin everything else--it brought them together! So. have this episode makes me angry, the other half puts me to sleep, even with blood and gore. Everyone works *as a team* to repair the shelter, and Gabriel coos, "There's just, something sooooo groovy about this tribe, man. We gather strength from working together and our good cheer and our strong spirits, dude." And then the sentence that drives a rusty dagger through my heart, "Even Kathy. The first few days with her were hard but she's made a complete turnaround and will no longer be interesting." My sister Jen assures me (having worked for a "Kathy") that she'll have her "up" days, but the awful--awfully entertaining that is!--Kath will return. From your lips to Mark Burnett's ears...Kath tells us she's decided to worry less and "go with the flow"--which turns out to be QUITE a literal statement. Because Dumb John sticks his hand on a sea urchin or some such spiky sea thing and gets them imbedded in his hand and he needs someone to pee on his hand to disinfect it (something many of us first heard about on "Survivor" archrival "Friends"). Paschal tries but can't and Kathy comes through. She drops trou, squats and pees on John's hand. When CBS has it's next big anniversary, you can be sure that's going in the clip reel--right between the Edward R. Murrow tribute and the last episode of "M.A.S.H." Everyone else looks grossed out--but they all look! Kathy tells us, "I think Paschal had performance anxiety. Not me! I'm apparently really good at peeing on command--maybe because I grew up near the ocean!" Poor Peter--his tribe voted him out for boasting about his er, eliminations--in Rotu, his mastery over his bladder could have made him a hero!

The rest of the Rotu segment was "The close bond that is developing between young sweet pea (pea, not pee) Nelah and older Southern gentleman Paschal. She's like one of his daughters! "He's such a dear man--I'd surely hate to vote him out!" In other words, Rodger and Elisabeth Redux! C'mon already, snore, buy a new dynamic!

Back to the Moronmu radio show! Vecepia claims the rain washed all of Moronmu's troubles out to see and everything's just dandy! It is SO hard to rewatch this stuff, knowing that Hunter gets screwed over. Watching Vecepia hug him, watching Hunter and Sean laugh at Sean's mock outrage when Hunter says the black no-nos are worse than the white ones (no nos are vicious marqueasan biting bugs). It's hard not to cringe ant this moment, because Sean clearly has so many real issues about race, especially in regards to Hunter, who he always calls "The Golden Boy" behind his back. Play time is the only thing some members of the tribe seem to excel at--Sarah can't even do that *staring blankly, laughing when the other laugh*

Enter Jeff Probst, looking so studly as he roars up on a speedboat in a clingy and blue long-sleeved shirt (at least they can't vote out Jeff). He gives the gang a bunch of bamboo rods and tells them to build a very strong raft that can carry six people and a lot of supplies. Then everyone stands there, waiting for Hunter to tell them what to do so that they can resent the hell out of him for it.

Back at Rotu, of course, everyone is singing "Whistle while you work" and patting each other on the back and deferring to one another's better judgment. I wonder about that "Immunity" idol they've got in camp *cue Brady Bunch cursed Hawaiian Tiki music* because Robert busts his toe open and Nurse John has to come to the rescue. John is disappointed when Big Rob ( I just now realized we have two Roberts. Big Rob and Evil Rob aka Chachi) doesn't cry the way John did. Big Robert tells us that he ain't afraid of pain, "Look at my tattoos! Does this look like the body of a sissy?" Uh oh, another tattoo freak, greaaaat. But, crybaby John has tattoos, so this is all moot. I don't have anything against people with tattoos, but I do have something against people who act like having them *means something important*. It doesn't mean you're a badass, it doesn't mean you're a rebel, it doesn't mean you're dangerous--it means you had $40 and some time to kill one day. And it *might* mean you have hepatitis--ya might want to check that out. Anyway, John is proud to tell us, "I'm a registered nurse, and everyone is very confident in my ability to help in any way I can--when I'm not impaling myself on the local wildlife and crying like a baby about my failed pig trap." John is so full of himself, but I'd rather he perform brain surgery on me than Dr. Sean. Gabriel has a nifty idea for the raft and takes the leadership role. Zoe tells us, "Gabe has an awesome plan!" Everyone works in harmony *cue "Witness" Amish barn-raising music* as Gabe tells us, "Work is FUN!"

Cut to Moronmu, where Sean and Robert are vetoing Hunter's suggestions (that they make sure the raft CAN FLOAT, for instance) because they're big dumb mean IDIOTS. "What if we have to carry it," they whimper, causing Gina to hiss with barely controlled contempt, "Boats are for the water you JACKASSES!" Hunter tells us he doesn't believe that anything's really changed since they had it out after tribal council, despite what everyone else is saying. The group builds a raft and Hunter does most of the work. Sean blathers, "I never had a problem with Hunter being the leader (LIE), I just don't like anyone who outshines me, especially when it's The Golden Boy! Hunter's playing the game too, and don't you forget it!" But he's playing it TO YOUR BENEFIT right now, dumbass. Again, just like Samboohoo, this tribe is already too eager to vote out it's next member, instead of working together and avoid having to vote out anyone at all. In his head, Sean imagines himself as Joe Louis to Hunter's Max Schmeling, but Sean ain't no champ, he's a chump!

Rob, meanwhile, tells us that "Dis may suhprize you, but I'm wuh hunred puhsent like Huntuh. Everyone wants tuh be duh big man, but out hee-uh You's be dumb tuh show it." Now, On the one hand, this is madness--Hunter, I'm certain, could have guessed that a rooster could fly. But on the other hand, Letting Sean and Hunter duke it out is clever. It's a solid strategy IF the rest of your plan is solid. Ethan, for example, benefitted from Lex and Tom's mistrust of one another. But Rob, like Sean, is SO threatened by Hunter, and so enthralled of the idea of someone like him--a petty, vicious man-child--getting one over on a man as remarkable and decent and smart as Hunter, he'd rather screw over his chance of winning than keep him around one more minute. This is a similar theme for military men in Survivor--Jerri got everyone to oust Kel, even though they needed his physical strength, and Lindsey and Brandon and Silas were so consumed with hating Frank they took their eyes off the prize--Brandon especially, who could have ousted Lex and maybe possibly made it to the final four with T-Bird, Frank and Lil Kim had he not teamed with Lex in a failed attempt to get rid of Frank. If ROb were as smart as he thinks he is, he'd at least use Hunter's strength and target Gina or Vecepia or Sean or Sarah. But he's a bully who'd rather be "obeyed" than successful. More on that later, when Rob reveals his "evil genius." I guess it's safe to call Rob Survivor's idiot savant.

Back at ROtu, John gets bit by an eel *cue Brady tiki music* Dude, what's your freakin' problem. Thankfully, no one pees on his hand this time. Tammy tells us, "Things can change in a second out here!" Uh, does that mean you're tribe can get interesting? SOON?

Moronmu. Everyone's taking a breather. Sean is wearing a life vest and floating in the sea--with his shoes on which seems stupid to me, but maybe eels bite your toes if you don't--I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, but seems to me wet shoes=stinky fuzzy feet down the road. Anyway, he's singing loudly and obviously thinks he's adorable. I was hoping for a shark to eat him myself. Vecepia is reading the Bible (whatever) and Hunter is of course, working while Sarah gyrates on Chachi's lap. There's a great scene where Chachi and Sarah are napping and Sarah snuggles and Rob pulls away a bit and complains about how much he'd like to wash his hair, which I THINK might be his way of saying, "You smell, chesty." Hunter looks suicidal as he stares off into the sea as the other whine about how hungry and dirty they are. Sean bitches to us about the raw fish and how he'd rather eat his own feces than eat it again, even if it is their only source of valuable protein he needs TO LIVE. Hunter tells us he wishes they'd just "suck it up!" Now, like Sean, I wouldn't be happy out there either. I couldn't eat that slimy sea junk, I couldn't deal with not showering, I couldn't deal with the bugs and I'd have bopped someone over the head with a grapefruit LONG AGO. Hence, I didn't sign up to be on SURVIVOR! I am humble enough to know I am not a particularly adventurous or adaptable person, and I'm proud enough to not want to look like a whiny, picky, wimp on national television. Sean, lying around and singing and complaining and posturing, thinks he's a role model for young kids. SERIOUSLY. I'll bet he's watching this with his students and bragging about how he's standing up to Huntuh! "You gotta let people know they ain't yo daddy!" But What would Jesus Do, Sean? Lounge around and let everyone else do the work just to prove He's nobody's slave? Where is your servant's heart Sean? As the gang heads out for their raft race, Hunter gives the group some helpful advice about how to load the stuff onto the raft--Sean and Chachi look resentful OF COURSE!

The reward challenge is for either a weeks worth of rice or some blankets, lanterns and pillows. They have to race one another and pick ups some floating crates along the way. The whole thing is pretty even despite all of Gabe's talk about building the superior raft. In the home stretch, Sean totally dogs it. Rotu wins again and takes the blankets (they like eating the raw fish) and Moronmu is demoralized.

Back at camp, everyone is lamenting what total losers they are. Hunter tells us what he doesn't have the heart to tell the others (They'd hate him for it anyway), "Winning is an attitude you carry with you all the time. If we could work together as ateam at our chores, we'd do better at theses challenges!" Cut to: Gina struggling to open up a papaya while muscle-bound Sean *helpfully* tells her "You've almost got it," instead of being useful and doing it for her. Then he whines to us about how much he wanted some rice. 30 more days, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, Sean. Better suck it up and get used to being hungry.

Immunity Limerick

It's time for another hard game
but we're certain the outcome's the same
we watch all the dailies
Moronmu's all babies
Let's face it, that tribe's hella lame

At the challenge spot, Rotu gives up the immunity tiki, and Gabriel jokes, "It'll be back soon," to which Sean replies, "The humble shall be exalted." Uhm, can anyone recommend a good Bible study so Sean can learn what humility actually is?? The game is cool, there's a maze and three members of the tribe must manipulate it in such a way that they move a coconut through it and get the coconuts into a hole, with another team member telling them how to do it. First to get three nuts in, wins. A friend of mine pointed out that CBS edits this and tricks us to make it look closer than it is. When you watch the game, it looks like both teams are neck and neck, with Moronmu's coconut swirling around the inner circle and refusing to go in the hole while Rotu is able to squeak past them and win. But my friend pointed out to me (he's my deep throat, he does NOT want to be named) that on the long shot of the Moronmu team, we see them drop the maze in disgust when Rotu wins and we see the coconut Waaaaaay the hell back in the maze, towards the entrance. It wasn't close at all! Editing most Foul! But yes, it's back to tribal council for Moronmu.

Next comes a bunch of misleading scenes, in which Sarah and Sean are both mentioned as strong contenders for dismissal. Hunter and Gina (don't they make a cute couple? I'm totally serious) discuss strategy while gathering food, and Hunter assures Gina that Rob would be smart to eliminate the worthless Sean--"If Rob wants a strong team, he'd be stupid to get rid of you--or me." It's implied that Vecpeia overhears. It's interesting that Hunter does see Rob as someone with power, despite Rob's belief that he's flying under the radar. Hunter's words are true, but, sadly, Rob IS stupid. When Hunter pitches ousting Sean to Chachi, he says, "Yeah, Sean is a lazy loudmowt, but I dohn NOT like 'im, but your on tuh me, so you's gotta go, Huntuh." Hunter isn't pleased with Rob's not agreeing to get rid of Sean, and Chachi smirks at the camera, just absolutely in love with himself, basking in his ability to make Hunter mad. Then Rob goes to Sean and Sean of course agrees with him when he says, "Heh's duh thing, you 'n me ah duh ones makin' duh decisions. Duh girl's uhl do any ting we say." Which would be offensive IF IT WASN'T TRUE. But Vecepia and Sarah WILL do anything they say, apparently, so...what can I say? I can't be mad at Sarah because if it weren't for Rob, she'd be gone and she knows it, but Vecepia is better than this, and I can't understand her siding with dopes instead of Hunter and Gina. I thought she was playing both sides, but I *think* Vecepia thinks she can cash in on stupidity of her fellow travelers down the road--I guess Rob was right, everyone wants to be the big man, but too early, and at the expense of the big picture. Even if it made sense strategically, I would never allow myself to be perceived by person one of the television audience, that either Rob or Sean was pulling my strings or pushing me around. I'd rather be poolside, drinking Mai Tai's at the Tahiti Hilton with Jeff Probst and Patricia (Peter, not so much).

Sean asks Rob if he has any real feelings for Sarah, and he hedges but then says no, he's just playing the game. Then we get the "E.C.P.S." The Evil Chachi Position Statement, in which he tells us "It's important fuh me dat everyone do as I say, without dem realizing I'm telling dem what tuh say" "It doesn't mattuh if *MY* team is stronguh physically or even mentally, just so long as dey obey." And then he raves about how fear will keep the tribe loyal to him, and, reveling in his knowledge of the gangster ethos, he says, "If deyr afraid, dey'll do what dey tell you tuh do. That's straight out of the Godfathuh," he grins. Now, I'm not familiar enough with the dialogue of the Godfather, but I'm certain that if that's a direct quote, it must go, "If they're afraid, they'll do what I/you tell them to do," because then it would make sense. Rob, though, reminds me of those low level goons in "The Sporanos" that try to prove themselves by hurting or killing or robbing someone they aren't supposed to, which results in their getting whacked. Rob's listed occupation as "Construction Worker," suddenly sounds very ominous.

So, we go to tribal council, and I'm expecting that a) maybe Vecepia votes with Hunter and Gina to vote out Sarah, resulting in a tie and Hunter/Gina beats Sarah at Anything and Everything not involving a wet T-shirt contest. Which is delusional, but, like I said, I thought until Wednesday Night that Vecepia was better than this. b) I think "Chachi's Moron's" team up to oust Gina. Because, Even a bunch of idiots bonded together like this Foolish Four SHOULD be juuuuust smart enough to try to use Hunter's physical and mental strengths to stop the bleeding before the merge. Silly me.

Jeff asks Sarah if everyone's getting along, she says yes (and might be so oblivious as to mean it). Hunter says the group has to reinvent themselves when they get back to camp and start from scratch to have a winning attitude. Rob blames their 0-5 losing streak on bad luck, not laziness or lack of ethics, "Weh not unable tuh win. I tink duh best way fuh us tuh win is tuh get rid of ah strongest playah." Then Vecepia says that it's time for everyone to look deep inside themselves, "I find my strength in God. I find my strength in Jesus Christ--but that's just me! Someone else might get their strength from some freaky star-gazing religion, or from lying around singing while other people work, or from having gigantic fake boobs--whatever it takes!" You know what, I've never stabbed anyone in the back ever, but even in the context of a game--which I admit this is--If say, I'm playing Uno and I'm gonna drop the Draw Four on one of my sisters, I wouldn't choose to invoke the name of my God right before I did it. Personally, that'd make me uncomfortable.

I'm sure I'm taking this way too personally, but Christians are so rarely portrayed on TV as it is, and when they are, it's usually bad (If a person has a cross around their neck on "Law & Order," take it to the bank they're a nut job). Between Vecepia and Sean here and the horrible Holly and Chadwick on Real World/Road Rules challenge, reading Bible verses about "persecution" when they lose some silly game, it's enough to make you want to beg Christians not to go on reality shows, period.

BUT, I'm being ridiculous. There are probably plenty of religious people on this year's Survivor as well as others that just AREN'T obnoxious about it. Rodger comes to mind. I hear the same complaints I have about Christians on reality TV from my gay friends who moan in horror at Brandon's mincing around last season and "team Guido's" terrible behavior on the Amazing Race, and I know a lot of Jewish people were thrilled with Ethan long before he won--because he was an athletic Jew! Maybe not uncommon on the Rugby field at Brandies, but almost never seen on TV. I can only imagine what black male viewers of "Survivor" (are there any??) think about Gervase, CB & Sean. Maybe next season they can cast a black Hunter?

So far, the Osmond-worthy Nelah isn't embarrasing the Mormons--YET.

Back to the horrible vote--no, not Richard Riordan's defeat in the Republican Primary. Right before they go in, Sean rants about how "I've never lost so much in my entire life! I'm sick of losing and it's wearing me Down, waaaaaah!" Sounds like a guy you want to keep around, right? Gina and Hunter vote for Sarah, everyone else votes for Hunter. Sean says, "The game says 'outwit' and you didn't see this coming, which must mean it's a great strategy and that, despite all evidence to the contrary, we're better than you." Gina looks sick, Hunter is stunned. Jeff reminds the remaining moron's "Ummmm, we're only 9 days in, guys. And anything can happen." And it will. During Basketball, they're hyping next week as the show that "Turns the Survivor's world upside down." Meaning, the producers realized they had to shake up the game immediately because it's getting sucky (Boring tribe/Retch-inducing tribe) I have mixed feelings about this, because on the one hand, I'm all for anything that might save Gina. On the other hand, I'd also enjoy watching the moron's eat each other before hitting the merge with two people. I mean, as much as Kathy and John bug me, I'd rather they win all the marbles than any of these twits. Hunter gives the best exit interview in, like, forever, "I don't understand this at all, uh you got me, I guess. I was camping with a bunch of knuckleheads, and I'll tell you that to your face. I will be sure to phone the red cross and notify them of your location after you die of starvation and dehydration. Hang in there Gina." Oh Hunter, to paraphrase Don McLean, "I could have told you, Hunter, this game was never meant for one as beautiful as you!" Hunter joins Stacey, Mad Dog and Carl in this slot. Interesting, because they were all forced out by alliances. The Tagi alliance eliminated her, and never wavered. But Mad Dog was eliminated with the help of Colby and Tina, who later turned against the evil Jerri, and Carl was ousted with the help of Lil Kim, who redeemed herself in my eyes. Is Vecepia a lost cause? Wouldn't it be sweet if Sarah managed to help oust Rob? I'd pay to see that.

Peace--and unlike Sean, who says it just to sound like a rapper, I actually mean it. Next week: a surprising shake-up (merge? rule change? third tribe? switcheroo?) and hopefully, less preaching from me ;p Christine

Survivor 4.2 "Way to go, Kath!"

Krazy Kathy has got to be one of my favorite Survivor characters EVER! I'd hate to work with her, or be related to her, but man does she make for some great television! :D

We begin episode 2 with a Rotu backrub lovefest (cue Sister Sledge's "We Are Family"). Everyone loves everyone. Gabriel coos, "I love everyone's spirit, man, everyone has this groovy positive energy..."

EXCEPT for Krazy Kath, who stands alone. She won't even sleep under the pseudo-shelter with the others, she sleeps alone by her precious fire. In the morning, she stalks off alone to look for food. Gabriel and Tammy complain about her isolationist ways and Tammy comments, "I thought it was sort of an unwritten rule on "Survivor" to be...remotely tolerable, at least for the first week." Kathy's take is of course, completely different, "What nobody, except for ME, seems to realize hear is *angry laugh* we have no food. So, as usual, it falls to me to do all everything by myself. I'll find some food, believe you me, and then they will all fall at my feet and listen to me when I tell them our shelter stinks! Oh, they'll listen to Kath THIS time. One day, the WHOLE STINKIN' WORLD WILL LISTEN!!!

Back at camp, everyone's making weapons to snare pigs and chickens and whatnot. Big Robert is wasting away and need protein pronto. Nurse John seems to be auditioning for the "most annoying once Kathy leaves" slot, as he boasts, "Well, one of my more *creative* inventions is this shrimp catcher, and then there's this pig snare that is just *genius*. If I catch a pig--set my place at the final four!" First of all, his shrimp catcher is...a sack in the water. I'm not saying it's not effective but it's hardly genius. And catching a pig seemed to curse Mad Mike. I'd work on appearing less arrogant John, if I were you.

Meanwhile, Maraamu is bonding over the ritual of their imaginary daily morning radio show--have they been eating some suspicious shrooms? Hunter does the weather report, Rob does the food report, and Sean sings. Then everyone sings and dances as Sean leads them on, "Ain't to Proud to Beg." I thought this sort of contrived Motown bonding only happened in the movies!

After play time, its work time, and Patricia assures us this ain't no KOA, there's work to be done. Hunter tells us that Patricia, or "mama," as she's known, is a real contributor. Gina thinks that Patricia was nervous about being voted out first, but now she's "come out of her shell." Based on what coming out of one's shell did for Peter, this does not bode well for Mama. This show is sort of sending a bad message to the kids: "Being yourself is bad!" Patricia asks Hunter to put some sunscreen on her, and who'd blame her? Hunter is like, a boyfriend a single gal might invent: "Am I seeing anyone? Er...why, yes! He's...a pilot! In fact, he used to be Top Gun in the Navy! He's gorgeous, and funny and polite, and he has this incredible smile and a great body and he's athletic and he knows absolutely everything about everything--He's like McGyver! His name? Hunter." According to his bio: Marital status: single, Resides: La Jolla, California. Age: 33...uhm..he sounds...available and perfect and geographically close. I feel like a Survivor Ho for ditching Ethan but he's on the East Coast. I'm like Susan Sarandon in "Bull Durham", I have to pick a new stud every season.

Back at Rotu, John is stoked and boastfully calls Gabriel and Tammy over to gloat about his shrimp catcher, which has indeed caught a shrimp. As in ONE SHRIMP. It's like, the size of a walnut. Gabe and Tammy aren't impressed and chuckle, "Yeah, why don't you call us when you catch 40 more." John is miffed that they aren't bowing before him as the GREAT FOOD PROVIDER. Then he raves about how he's going to be atop "The Hierarchy" by getting food for everyone, that's the ticket.

The tranquil Marquesan air is shattered with Kathy's *PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DAMMIT!!" Whistle. *shudder* and her hollering, "COME SEE WHAT I'M FINDING!! AHHH HAAAA!!! COME BEHOLD THE POWER OF KATH!!" And everyone back on shore the shore glances out to the reef where Kathy is and looks at one another like, "Can we just sit here and starve together in peace?" But, everyone runs out to see that Kathy has found edible sea crap living under rocks. Zoe seems appreciative, but I can't tell if it's of Kathy or the seafood, her being the Lobster Lady and all. So, Kathy can't quit while she's way behind. Having reached the hot magma core of the Earth, she decide to dig even deeper, saying, "Okay, I found this, so let me just explain how to properly turn over a rock, so you do it right and done of the creatures get away--there are only thousands of them, after all. I've been out here for half an hour so I'm an EXPERT." *Everyone exchanges annoyed glares* John frets that Kathy has stolen his shot at being atop "The Hierarchy." John...maybe you should build a clue snare while you're at it: Catching Food is Not Helping Kathy and It won't Help You if you remain this Insufferable. Plus, give Kathy *some* credit, for having the sense to look for food that can't run away. I know it's not as *cool* as catching something with one of your hand-made traps but get over yourself already.

Back at camp, Nelah, the sweet little Mormon girl from Utah gleefully mashes the creatures with rocks and separates the edible goop from the non-edible goop. Reason #34 why I could never be on Survivor. This stuff is Sooooooooooo gross, and they're all slurping it up, uncooked! Bleh >:p

Kathy is stunned that no one gives her props, "I thought I'd get a point, but not once did anyone give me a pat on the back and say, "Way to go, Kath. Thanks Kath. We owe you are lives Kath." So, she fishes even harder for praise with the almost unbelievable, "Good thing those rocks got turned over, guys." *Everyone exchanges angry glares* But she DOESN'T Stop there!! She continues, "I gotta tell you, you know what you do? Think outside the box." *Everyone imagines Kathy stumbling into the pig snare* Kathy goes on, "A pat on the back? Not one from these ungrateful louts. Sure, Kath single-handedly saves them all from starving to death, but as usual, I don't have any support. I'm not THAT hard to get along with, I don't know why people have been saying that my whole life." You know who's having some really fun Survivor parties this season? Kathy's ex-husband.

Back at Maraamu, Patricia has indeed come too far out of her shell, and has become way bossy. "Here's the plan, everyone. You all get some coconuts, Rob, fetch Gina a stick. Go on, boy, fetch!" Hunter admits she can be a nag, "But she's just being Mom--she's not have as bad as my drill instructors, I can tell you that much." Sean is less charitable, "I don't like when women talk, just in general. But when they start ordering me around? For get it!" Patricia is particularly hard on the thick-skulled Rob, talking to him like he's a child, "Rob? Are you listening? Pay attention, the tools go here. Are you hearing me? Rob?" Rob takes it relatively well (people probably talk to him like this A LOT).

Vecepia thinks Patricia isn't as bossy as she's pretending. She thinks it's all part of her "I'm the mama hen" persona, which Vecepia finds tiresome. But she stokes the fires of resentment in Sean, eliciting his agreement when she complains, "None of us are children here!" Then the conversation takes a bizarre turn into a racial one--wait, is this "The Real World"? As a white person, I probably don't have the right to comment on this conversation--oh wait, it's America. Never mind. Sean says to Vecepia, "The other five are all different, sure, but the commonality that bonds them together is THAT." Meaning, I guess, that they're all white, which makes them naturally aligned I GUESS. But what's lame about Sean's argument is he's just gotten done explaining to us that he and Vecepia share a cultural bond. Black people don't even have to finish each other's sentences, he declares. So he's saying THEY'RE the ones that are naturally aligned. Vecepia calls him AND I QUOTE "Malcolm Farrakhan" and "a militant kind of brother." Sean tells Vecepia that the two black people sitting on the beach might be construed as strategizing. Sean, Gina thought Sarah and Rob might be "strategizing" when they were snuggling in the raft! Two people of any race, creed or color are assumed by the others to be strategizing by all the other paranoid members of the tribe, that's the nature of the game. Then he tells us, that he and Vecepia have and unspoken bond, as people of color and as Christians, that is unfair to the others. So...they'd be correct in thinking you're strategizing?? I'm confused, Sean. Then Vecepia, apparently assuming this conversation is going to air, says, "I can just tell what people are going to say." And Sean predicts that we, the viewers, will be thinking, "Those two ungrateful Negroes, put them out on an island and they're still complaining." Well Sean, how wrong you are. Because what struck me was, you did most of the talking and Vecepia did a lot of listening. And you might want to get Vecepia to give voice to that little "unspoken" bond you have, because I think she's playing you. More on that later...

I feel the need to say that mine is an equal-opportunity column, in which every Survivor is open to harsh and over-the-top criticism, but if I ever *actually* offend someone, it's unintentional.

So...later that day, everyone at Maraamu is working really hard, except for Sean, who's sitting on beach...praying? I guess? Hunter tries to get him to pull his own weight, asking him to get the water jugs filled (Hunter even manipulates him, "I'm kinda beat, would you do this as a great favor to me?") Sean says sure and EVENTUALLY goes to get water. He explains to us, "Unlike everyone else, I'm not trying to impress Hunter by working hard, so I'm not gonna work at all unless someone asks me--then sure, I'll do it, but not to kiss Hunter's ass, okay??" Does this make *any sense* at all to anyone? If Sean really wants to look like a leader in his own right, he should be doing something useful on his own initiative. Not doing anything makes him look like a big baby. And as a fellow Christian, I must ask, "What would Jesus Do?" Sit on his butt whittling and staring off into the sea like a self-important idiot? No, Sean, He'd be working alongside his tribesman, sharing their burden, easing their load. Sean, you might say you're representin' but you're only frontin'.

Rob and Sarah are nowhere to be found, and Hunter and Vecepia know that means they're out frolicking. Sarah explains, "Rob and I have the most in common: We're both pretty, we're both hella dumb, and we both love my huge breasts. Plus, we're like, the two youngest people in the tribe." Okay, this is actually true, Sarah is 24 and Chachi is 26. But Gina is 28 and Sean is 30--hardly a generation gap, Sarah. Hunter thinks Rob might become a more productive member of the tribe if Sarah is gone--ya think? But Rob has a big plan with Sarah--she's his secret weapon. He explains, "Saruh's real dumb. I picked huh cuz she's evun dummuh den me, so I ken tell uh what tuh do, plus she has huuuuuge knockuh's, you know whut I'm sayn?" Stupid people make me sad.

Back at Rotu, John realizes that the pig snare DID lure a pig, but didn't catch it. He's clearly fretting a bout "The Hierarchy," and I feel a glimmer of annoyance and impatience with John's continued idiocy about this food topic, when the air is pierced Once Again but Kathy's excruciating whistle. If Kathy ever tried that on me, I'd have to quote my favorite movie of all time and say, "Kathy, I could never answer to a whistle. Whistles are for dogs and cats and other animals but not for children and definitely not for me. It would be too humiliating." (Let's give it up for"The Sound of Music" shall we?) So, anyway, Kathy announces, in a voice that no written review can do do justice [Seriously, If you missed this episode, track someone down who has it on tape because it's just so deliciously awful, her tone] that she's calling a *little meeting* to introduce her bag of goodies. She holds up a bag of what's surely more edible ocean crap and declares that if everyone behaves themselves and listens to her, she'll let them have the sack of treats! Everyone else looks positively horrified as she says, "This is what I want from you guys (no, REALLY, that's how she starts) I seem to be really really good at finding all this food--I think it's because I grew up around the ocean. So, that can be my job, getting you all food. But the rest of you need to do as I say about the fire and the shelter. Hate to break it to you losers, but our shelter is woefully inadequate--I had no place to sleep!" Paschal interjects, gently reminding her that he offered to move over and the offer still stands--she can have all the space she needs. Kathy laughs darkly at his insolence and spits, "All I want is a roof over my head. And I want to feed you because I want to win," and then she dumps out her bag full of edible icky things that she's found and someone says (one of the girls, not sure who), "Great job, Kath," thank goodness, or heads would have rolled! But Gabriel isn't having it, "look, Kath, maybe no one should be the sole food gatherer. We're like, a community and you keep going off by yourself." And she counters by picking up one of her shell things and dropping it for emphasis on the pile of edible crap, "I've been getting you food!" Kathy gets weepy then, and whimpers, "You guys are ALL OVER ME, and all I've asked for is your obedience in exchange for the food that only I can provide!" Completely ignoring the fact that she set herself up for this by calling the meeting in the first place. "I just want a roof over my head," she hisses again. Then she tells us, "I was surprised at how hard they bit back," Firstly, behind all her teary-eyed sense of entitlement is someone who is so very used to eliciting this type of response--this is all part of her internal script: "I do everything, no one ever appreciates it, poor Kath. The End." Second, Gabriel's touchy-feely "all I really want to do....is baby be friends with you" hippie speech and the stony silence of everyone else is hardly the worst Kathy could have got after being so high-handed. You got off easy, Kath. So Kath puts her edible gross stuff back in the bag and Gabriel says, if all you really want is a roof, and not our slavish devotion to you, then we'll do it, we'll build a better shelter. Tammy confides to us, "I felt bad. I mean, Kathy is annoying, but she was almost crying. Are part here isn't to make any one feel bad or hurt anyone's feelings." Speak for yourself, Tammi, that was some damn fine enjoyable television--but kudos on being the bigger person!

Everyone joins together to make a better shelter, and Paschal's luxury item, an American Flag, is hung with pride. Kathy thanks Gabriel for doing what he was told and Gabrile assures, "Don't flatter yourself, we did it for everybody." "I am at peace now," Kathy claims, but we know, she and those around her will only find peace in death. Speaking of which, even if the large, but sickly Robert was to actually drop dead, Rotu would choose to keep his stinking, rotting corpse in camp in order to be rid of Kathy.

Mail call: Reward challenge Limerick (ahem)

There once were two boats filled with rocks
And Survivors that jumped off some docks
They dove and they dove
Until the boats rose
And Rotu cleaned the other team's clocks!

Now, in narrative form. The reward is some flippers and goggles--really, that's it. Last year's sponsor Target has been replaced with "Your local neighborhood garage sale." The tribes hang onto this innertube and dive to get these rocks out of a boat. When the boat rises to the surface, they pilot the boat onto shore (a very clever and challenging challenge, Survivor writers!). John lies about how many he's able to remove at once, Sean whiffs altogether, Hunter is magnificent but his tribe comes up short, Rotu wins the prize.

Back at Maraamu, there's a storm coming in and the tribe, with no emotional blackmail whatsoever, decides to make a better shelter. Sarah is complaining that shelter was her idea, and Hunter is like, totally making it seem like his idea? Gina says that Sarah is all talk and no action--hey, that's not what Chachi says! Sarah is miffed, for some reason...no one takes her seriously *boinga boinga boinga*
Sarah bitches and moans the entire time they're building the shelter and Patricia and Gina exchange angry glares when Sarah criticizes The Beloved Hunter. Already in week 2, this season eclipses all previous years in "shared looks of annoyance at other cast members behavior." I love it. Sarah would have fit in great with Lindsey and Silas. Sarah wants to just layer the roof with big palm fronds, instead of using woven pieces. "Is no one in aggreance with this??" she finally huffs. Ah, the made up word: sweet nectar of reality television. She storms off to do whatever the hel she wants, Hunter be damned! Gina throws a stick at the ground in disgust.

Immunity Reward Limerick:

Every season there's one thing the same:
A particularly hideous game
Everybody must eat
Something no one SHOULD eat
It's cruel but it's earned us our fame

Everyone gathers to eat this rotting fish meat that's been standing in a crab-gut sea water marinade. Jeff assures us, "It's a delicacy." True to her Lobster Lady persona, Zoe gives the vile pile a four star rating. Gina and Tammi, the two "not-yet-defined-sensible-brunettes" square off against one another--proving they aren't the same person! Hunter goes twice and takes it like a man, no one is unable to do it, so each team picks the weakest link (lower case, no copyright infringement) to eat a vile pile in a race. Nelah and Chachi had the most trouble but Nelah aces Chachi and Kathy wins immunity for a second straight time.

Back at Maraamu, Chachi is sulking. Sean tells Vecepia, "Either Sarah or I is going next." Now, as paranoid as Sean seems to be, I don't understand why he says this. He doesn't even back it up, he says that Hunter is out to get the useless Sarah and there's no indication that Sean is next on anyone's hit list. At any rate, Vecepia tells us, "Sarah knows she's a liability in this game. She's going along for the ride and we'll carry her as long as we can." We? WE?! Presumably, she means Sean and Rob and herself? Or just Sean and her? Is Vecepia aligning herself with the dumb people?

Hunter tells Chachi that protecting Sarah is bad strategy, but Chachi tells us, 'If I looz Sarah, den I have tuh eiduh join wit Huntuh, an work hahd, oh I join Sean and do whet he says. At least wit Sarah, I'm duh leaduh." Rob and Sean talk, and Rob thinks they shouldn't have ousted Peter first. Sean blames Chachi for helping to encourage Mama become so talkative. The men don't pledge their allegiance or anything, but it seems very clear they're both voting for Patricia.

Tribal Council. Jeff asks Patricia how the unofficial Mom of the group feels about how they're doing as a tribe, and she says they're not 100%--but doesn't name names. Rob says that sometimes Mama's a pain in the butt, sometimes she's nice to have around. Sarah disagrees strongly, "Patricia's never nice to have around, okay? I already have, like a real mother? And I don't like her either! I'm 24, okay? No one tells me what to do, Patricia's not the boss of me, but I can totally handle it and bite my tongue about the situations...except for like, right now, when I'm totally going OFF!" Gina looks very annoyed at Sarah, and at Sean when he tells Jeff about how tired he is from working so hard. When Jeff asks Sarah how hard she's working she raves, "Look, I worked 16 hour days back home and I didn't come out here to do that. I came out here to meet, like, totally cool people and have this totally cool adventure and expose myself on national TV so that Playboy will pay me a million dollars even if CBS doesn't. My worst nightmare would be if I sucked during a competition just because I was tired form getting food or weaving palm leaves or like surviving, okay?"

This doesn't sit to well with Gina, who says, "I don't want to suck during a challenge because I've been doing some booby's--I mean somebody's work for them." Hunter gives a little pep talk, saying the Maraamu losing streak will end soon. Chachi plays failure the best way you can on Survivor, he apologizes for blowing the food challenge and humbly says he knows he might be next. It's ridiculous, but he says it. Hunter Sarah and Patricia vote for Sarah, The rest vote for Patricia and she's out 4-3. I don't know if I want to live in universe where Sarah's arrogant, assinine proclamations of laziness don't get her voted out, but it proves that she's part of several people's plans. Jeff dismisses the group, saying "I've heard a lot!" I think he's a little disappointed in the group right now. Patricia joins the cantakerous BB, who told his tribe to oust him, the wrongly accused but still really weird Kel, and beautiful but rapidly dehydrating Jessie as the second person voted out.

Next vote, I would think Vecepia joins with Hunter And Gina to oust Sarah--or at least force a tie...but with whom? Seems like if Sean is actually committed to keeping Sarah--and I'm not sold on that at this point, they'd have to go after Gina, which would be stupid, but, after all, it is a stupid people alliance. I think Vecepia is playing both sides, and will oust Sarah next vote, keeping herself as a powerful swing vote between groups. Remember, the votes aren't cumulative, so these votes don't hurt Sarah at all. Of course, what's key for Maraamu is 1) they have to win next week so they don't lose anyone else and 2) they have to come together to avoid being easy pickings should any sort of a tribe reconfiguration is sprung on them. Right now, the Rotu "Love tribe," as CBS is dubbing them, are pretty united.

It should be noted that losing two immunity's in a row has happened before and isn't necessarily anything to worry about. Ethan, Old Kim, Lex and Tom all came from the tribe last year that lost the first two immunity challenges (Diane and Jessie). In the previous year, Tina, Colby and Keith all came from the tribe that lost THREE in a row (Kel, Mad Dog and Mitch). It's still very early in the game, and too early to count anyone out--though who'd imagine that Hunter would look vulnerable at this point? Yet the dumb people alliance looms. Here's hoping Vecepia is as clever as I think she is.

Next week, the show moves to Wednesday--don't forget!! Peace, Christine :D

Survivor 4.1 :D

It's back! I wish it had been gone longer--I didn't feel all giddy when we
went to tribal council for the first time--cuz we were JUST THERE in
Africa. But I'm excited--this looks like it's gonna be a fun and
interesting season, doesn't it?

We begin our journey to the Marquesas on a fishing boat called "Amaryllus,"
and you can bet hard-core Survivor fans everywhere were racing into the
chatrooms to claim it was their Internet handle. The 16 miserable looking
Survivors were held in the hold of said boat, vomiting, and not allowed to
speak with each other. I always wonder how weird that must be, I mean, it
is a LONG trip. Then they have to ditch out of the boat and raft onto
shore. Jeff shows us the supplies in the crate: a machete and some knives,
some pots and a frying pan that looks like it hasn't been washed since
Jerri
made one of her kick-ass tortillas on it. It was seriously grody!
Although you think if it was pre-used, it would have been auctioned for a
fortune on ebay. I tried so hard to get something out of that stupid
auction, kids, but there are some very rich and crazy Survivor fans out
there, and I got nothin' :(

Anyway, the tribes make their way to shore. Rotu, pronounced "Row two,"
and I do keep expecting to hear "seat seven" every time someone says it, is
brought together by singing rowing songs. Can I go on record as saying
that "Survivor" has the best, and most recognizable mood-specific
background music since the Brady Bunch? It rules!

Maraamu, pronounced muh-RAH-moo, gets to shore, thanks to the hard work of
every tribemember, except for Queen Sarah, who stops paddling and
eventually stands on the supply crate, like Cleopatra on a litter, Sean
complains, "Save it. This is Survivor. Ain't no one tryin' to look at you
like that...well, except for Rob." It really is amazing that there are
people who are so self-absorbed they don't even realize that behavior like
this is infuriating to people. I can see dogging it on the final push, but
to stand atop the crate...wow. Sarah's huge ego is only eclipsed by the
size of her scary porn-star boobs.

Sean is very emotional when they finally reach shore. He's a black guy
from Harlem who's never been on an ocean before, and now he's swum from a
fishing boat to an island paradise. he brings Peter out into the water,
and they hold hands while Sean praised God for bringing them here, which
makes Rob uncomfortable, "Dey's eiduh plain duh game real early or days
definitely off deh rockuhs!" Yes, the spirit of Tom Buchanan lives in dumb
but dear Rob, the construction worker from Massachusetts--I can't wait to
hear and not understand what he says next! But he needn't worry about
Peter and Sean bonding. Peter is no charismatic Christian. He joined Sean
because Sean probably said, "who wants to join me in prayer?" and Pete
jumped at the chance to bond with *anyone.* If Gina had said, "Who wants
to join me in a wiccan chant?" Pete'd be out there holding hands with her
too.

Back at Rotu, the crate is opened to reveal: no edible supplies.
Apparently, our
survivors didn't know in advance that there'd be no food--harsh! The gang
tries to build a fire, and Kathy the real-estate agent becomes
bossy--again, did she watch the show? Everyone rolls their eyes and
mutters under their breath as Kathy runs around telling them how important
it is to have a fire, as though she's the only one who gives a dang if they
live or die. Gabriel-- whose floppy blond hair and nerdy glasses don't do
a damn thing for me, Survivor casting, and how dare you take away Ethan and
give me THIS!--calls Kathy, "the skipper," but since she doesn't call
anyone "little buddy" nor does she hit anyone with her hat, I haven't a
clue what he's talking about...

At Maraamu, Sarah is upset to learn there's no food in their crate, "I knew
it was gonna be hard when I saw there was no food. Fortunately, my huge
fake boobs will not be affected in the least by any change in my overall
bodyfat." Enter Hunter. Last time we saw Hunter, he was playing
volleyball at Miramar with Tom Cruise and Rick Rossovich. Hunter is the
natural born leader that Silas only imagined he was. He doesn't have to
take a knee to get everyone organized on the same page (his). Gina thinks
he's the best, "I love Hunter. He knows a little bit about everything,
he's a great leader, and he's soooooo fine!" All the girls dig Hunter, but
the men are threatened, and mock him for his superior knowledge. When he
starts talking about the prevailing winds, Rob laughs, "Yo, check owt dis
guy! Iz dis duh wethuh station ovuh ear?" The other men laugh. When
Hunter suggests (helpfully) that they can use banana leaves to catch rain
water, Sean dubs him MacGyver (a reference to an ABC that CBS remarkably
leaves in). I'd go with "Captain Dreamboat," but MacGyver will do for now,
even though he looks a lot more like Bruce Boxleitner than Richard Dean
Anderson. Rob wonders if it's safe to drink rain. Maybe not in Superfund,
Massachusetts, but in Tahiti, yeah, Rob it's okay. Then the so-far
likable Sean babbles at the camera that Hunter ain't his daddy, and he's
not gonna do what he says even though HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING. "They
better know, I'm from Harlem and I'm representin!" Representing exactly
WHAT, remains
to be seen. Is attitude Sean's luxury item? This isn't Survivor: New York
City, calm down and listen to the guy that knows how to keep you healthy.

Gina, Vecepia and Hunter work together to make the fire--they seem to have
formed a natural, "smart people" alliance, but time will tell. Peter is
called in to help, and he credits his yoga-breathing techniques when he
helps ignite the flame *cue mystic eastern music.* Pete's mastery over his
body carries the day--but it will be his undoing. Dun dun DUHN!!!

Night falls on Maraamu. Sarah is raving about how if she wins any amount
of money , she's gonna get a pet monkey, or some such nonsense and Rob is
panting all over her in agreement. The two snuggle all night in the raft.
Gina worries it might be an alliance. Don't fret Gina, Sarah's "girls"
don't get to vote!

At Rotu the next morning, Kathy gives the tribe--who does appear to be
mobilizing to get water--her most annoying *pay attention to me* whistle
and yells, "HEY GUYS, I FOUND THE WAY TO THE WATER!!! ME!! KATHY!! I'M
APPARENTLY THE ONLY ONE IN THIS TRIBE WHO CARES ABOUT FINDING THE WATER!
LET'S GO!!" Then she tells us, "I did NOT want to go into this being the
blond bitchy person AT ALL!" Well, Kathy, you might want to retrace your
steps... Kathy goes on, "I'm only bitchy when *I* see what needs to be done
and, as invariably seems to happen at my workplace, in my family, and in
just about every other situation I'm in EVER, people don't live up to my
expectations of them." Kathy hella bugs. The gang finds their water hole,
and it's a paradise! Waterfall, swimming pond and lots of edible
taro--which is kind of like a tropical potato. Party at the Rotu pool!!
But the fun won't last long--Kathy MUST see to that. "When we get back to
camp, I'm gonna start that fire. Maybe our survival doesn't matter to
everyone else, and, you know, that's fine. I'm used to being alone. I'm
gonna get that fire going if it kills me--then we'll see how badly they
feel for abandoning me!!" Thanksgiving at Kathy's house must be a blast!

At Maraamu, Everyone eats grapefruit--scurvy averted! But Rob isn't
thrilled and enlists Peter (who's always glad to be included in anyone's
anything) to help him hunt a rooster he's heard clucking around. CBS
inserts some definitely-NOT-Tahitian banjo music that they feel is
appropriate for when city-folk chase a chicken around a tree. I mean,
let's face it, Tom Buchanan catches that rooster am I right? But not poor
Rob, who confesses, "I had NO idea that roosters could fly!" Ah, Rob--who
from this point on I will refer to as Chachi--he may not get the drumstick,
but his world has just gotten a *little bigger.* Yes, roosters--like many
birds, you might be surprised to learn--can fly.

Hunter is not happy with Chachi's behavior, and calls him over for a little
man-to-man about *responsibility* and *priorities.* Some of that Brady
Bunch background music I mentioned earlier would be very appropriate here.
Hunter tells us, "Sometimes, Rob gets preoccupied with things, like shiny
objects, roosters, and Sarah's grotesque breasts, that aren't really
relevant to the task at hand." Which is Hunterese for, 'Yeah, Rob is a
dumb-ass." Hunter tells Ron, "Hey, champ, let's boil some drinking water
so that we don't dehydrate, ok? Sound good? Then we can build the
shelter, ok sport? Then, after that, we can chase roosters and you and I
can throw the football around, okay buddy?" Chachi seems genuinely
chagrined at letting down Hunter and the rest of the tribe and goes off to
gather rocks for the fire. He realizes he's gotta go along to get along in
this game--a smart decision.

Conversely, Kathy is busy at work, painting a big target on herself. "I'm
not trying to be pushy here, but we need to build a fire RIGHT NOW, and I'm
sick of all of you complaining about how tired you are! I mean, if I have
to do *everything* myself, fine, it's nothing new for me, but I'd
appreciate some consideration here!" She and Nurse John butt heads, and
Lobster Lady Zoe places a hand on Kathy's shoulder to calm her down, but
she doesn't take the hint. Judge Paschal (as played by former President
Jimmy Carter) walks off in disgust, which seemed odd to me. I mean, you're
a judge, Pashy, can't you jump in with some conflict-management skills?
Kathy bursts into tears and stalks off into the bushes to cry to the
camera, "I don't have any support here!! It's me against everyone else AS
USUAL!!" John blames his outburst at Kathy on his "Irish temper," though I
think it was more likely his humanity. They start the fire without Kathy,
who must be irritated when she returns to camp--after all, fire *was* her
idea. Zoe says to her, "You knew if you left us kids alone for a few
minutes, we could do something right!" Uh, was that support or
passive-aggression? I couldn't tell. Everyone bonds over boiled water
(This tribe has a weird support-group vibe) but you know, unless...I dunno,
Gabriel (who I just don't like, and I don't know why) tries to stab someone
to death in their
sleep, Kathy's at the front of the line to get kicked out.

Maraamu hikes to their water spring. They have no waterfall, no swimming
pool. Just a bubbly spring. They've been rooked and they don't even know
it! Did they lose a coin toss? One group gets the waterfall, the other
gets Hunter? Back at camp, Peter--witchy eyes dancing-- tells us that he's
a workaholic. He goes over to relax--or as the Negroes say "chill"-- in
the raft with Sean. Peter has apparently never heard the word "chillin"
used in this context before, and wants Sean to teach him more "Harlem
words." Peter, any slang term you can hear on "Dawson's Creek" has stopped
being an exclusively "black" word for at least five years.

Anyway, Peter tells us, "Sean reminded me how good it feels to just be
yourself!" Which might make Sean a master of manipulation, because, as the
tribe gathers around, Peter reveals *waaaaaaaaay* to much about himself, as
he boasts about how he is the master of all his holes. Yeah. He is the
master of his breathing, sure and his speaking, yes, but also of his poo
poo and his pee pee, he assures the rest, saying, "I know
most people don't want to talk about it but..." But WHAT Peter??? Chachi
tells us, "He *looks* like a regular guy, but he's a froot loop." Word.
Uh, Peter that means "True." There's something so endearing about the
guilty way Rob smiles when he says this, like he's getting away with
something. I feel very protective of Rob. You know that he was always
being suckered into bad deals as a kid, and his older brothers had to pound
the other kids, "You know Robby ain't right, now give him back his bike!"
And Peter, ya might want to work on that large hole on his face--it's not
quite as mastered as you claim, so shut it.

Rotu all goes to get mail together--no one trusts anyone to go off alone
with anyone else, OR I suppose, they could all *like* being with one
another* (yeah,
RIGHT). Haiku was last year, this year, it's back to limericks for me:

The first is a challenge of fire
Paddle fast and you'd better not tire
If you are the best
Then you'll get to rest
If you lose, well then things may get dire

At the first challenge, Jeff tells the teams that they will not receive any
fire help EVER. There are no matches to be won down the road. SO the
teams get in these outrigger canoes, light a heavy torch, light some other
flames, run with the canoe across a rocky beach--it's pretty brutal, and
Rotu wins. Kathy is spared.

Maraamu has to decide who to vote for and Peter says that his goal is to
help the tribe stay strong, which Patricia takes as a slam on her, "I may
be weak and old and fat but dammit, I can endure!" It's not exactly Winston
Churchill, but it seems to be effective. Peter helps her cause by being
*himself* a little more, raving about what he's about and truth and
whatnot, which rubs gina and Sarah the wrong way. Gina eventually tells
Peter that she knows who she's gonna vote for and nothing can change her
mind so no one better try to form an alliance with her tonight. Later,
Chachi goes for a swim with Sarah and the cha-chas. Sean wonders, "Besides
those two floatation devices of hers, what's Sarah got to offer 'cept
looking cute?" Imagine how little she has to offer those of us who
*aren't* attracted to women, Sean. So, I'm in Sean's camp here, until he
adds, "Not to be a chauvinist, but men are better then women." Don't you
be dissin' the ladies, Sean! Oh, Peter, that means "disrespecting women."

Tribal Council. Everyone lights their torches at the council, and they
won't get to bring the torches back to camp. Jeff sounded kinda bored
when he said, "We do this, blah blah blah, fire represents life, budda
bing, okay let's vote! Oh, yeah, the interview." He asks Gina if she;s
proud that they got all their own food, water and shelter. She boasts,
"Yeah, unlike all those other wussy Survivor casts, we didn't get any rice
or corn meal or bean cans. We rule!" Vecepia tells Jeff she's grateful
for the leadership role that Hunter has taken. I don't know what the game
has ahead of us, but right now, Gina Hunter and Vecepia seem to be the
power base. When Jeff asks Peter how the game is going for him, Peter
shrugs, "Well, I never really felt comfortable with these people, to be
honest. If anyone was thinking about voting for anyone else but me, you
might want to change you're vote 'cause I give up!" He must have known he
was getting the boot--I don't know why else you'd be so negative. then
Jeff asks Sarah, "Sarah, how're they hanging? Er, that is to say, How's IT
hanging, as in...how the HECK are ya?" "Well Jeff, I may not be very
bright or very hard working or remotely knowledgeable about anything, but I
try to jump in and help wherever I can. In fact, I find it benefits me to
jump around as much as possible!"

Onto the vote. Peter casts the only vote for Patricia. Vecepia and Sean
both vote for Sarah, everyone else votes for Peter. In a STUNNING--for
those of us who don't rely on Internet spoilers, apparently >:( --turn
against precedent, the first person voted out of Survivor: Marquesas is a
guy! And it's a freaky weirdo so no one's sad! Yay! Jeff tells the rest
"Go back and build your world," which is pretty deep, Probst. Next week,
gotta be Kathy if Rotu loses. They seem to hint at Tricia's becoming
Maraamu's answer to Kathy but I think Sarah is still the least useful.
We'll see! Peace--and remember, I love ya'll like play cousins--whatever
the hell that means! :D Christine