Survivor 4.4: The best laid plans of mice-brained men...

Wait, I don't have anything against mice...:)

Anyone still in shock from seeing SILAS on stage with Whoopi at the freakin' Oscars? Apocalypse, Now? Because that *has* to be one of the signs...

Well, it was a shake-up, and a pretty good one. I don't think it changes the big picture all that much, but it does save Gina--even if she goes next week, at least she had three days with good people instead of the jerks. And we lose Sarah, perhaps the stupidest and least deserving character in Survivor history. Jerri's pretty stooge Amber was a more worthy competitor.

First things first. Moronmu is back at camp after the stunning dismissal of my fiancée, Hunter Ellis. Chachi and Sean are making a big "Lord of the Flies" (They've been on the island, what, 12 days? and have already cracked) bonfire and exulting in their victory over their moral, intellectual and everything-else superior. Chachi mutters to Sean proudly, "I don' tink Huntuh saw it comun a mile away," and that's not even an appropriate use of the expression, "I saw it coming a mile away," meaning something's obvious--I don't think it works in reverse, "I didn't see it coming a mile away," because it's quite natural for a person not to be able to see what is a mile away even when wearing one's glasses. Yeah, I'm being that nitpicky and uncharitable when it comes to Evil Chachi, who gloats to the camera, "Wit owt uh doubt, dis is my game and I'm duh one pullin' duh strings," which must have given Mark Burnett a chuckle or two back at the hotel. Gina (reality television's answer to Angie Harmon) is not pleased and tells us what we already know, that Rob and Sean voted out Hunter so they could be the boss of everything. When she calls them on this, and asks why on earth they wouldn't just vote out her instead, keeping the tribe's strongest member, no one gives her a straight answer, or even looks her in the eye, cowards! Sarah mumbles, "I think...we all probably had a different reason, mine being Rob's which I don't remember. We just wanted to do something different." Since voting out the strong and smart instead of the weak and stupid is to Sarah's benefit, I can't fault her on this, but her very existence till bothers me. She sputters on, "I don't know, it's hard to explain what Ro---I mean, what I was thinking and I don't know how to handle people who try to look me in the eye instead of gawking at my horrifyingly huge fake boobs!" Rob finally says, "I'm glad I voted the way I did," and Sarah adds, "After seeing the votes, I'm glad I did too," apparently referring to the fact that she herself got two votes--Sarah is of course too idiotic to realize she couldn't have joined Hunter and Gina in voting out HERSELF, even by accident. Sean remarkably keeps his mouth shut during all this, while Vecepia doesn't seem to be there at all--I'm sure she's out praying somewhere, and keeping her name out of all the drama. Whatever, V, whatever. Gina frets, "They think this is the beginning, I just hope its not the end. Now that we've voted out someone useful and hard working, and are even LESS likely to win immunity--they don't want someone like me around." Fortunately, Mark Burnett does.

Cut to Camp Happiness, where everyone is delighting in their good fortune and their wonderful tribe. John is doing Nelah's hair, Pappy Paschal is raving about how Rotu isn't just a tribe--it's a family! Tammy gushes, "Every day we go to bed so in love with each other and we wake up to an even better day! Nothing could derail our joy! Nothing!" Gabe's broken record plays, "The reason we keep beating Moronmu in the challenges is that we love and respect one another, man. We love to provide for one another." Blah blah love love blah blah, Kathy makes toasted coconut chips and praises John for being such a great cook, Tammy glows, "In case you didn't catch it the five hundred previous times we've said it, "We are just one big happy family! What could possibly break us up?? I can't conceive of any plot twist that could alter the loving,. respectful, joyous world we've created here!"

Calling all this foreshadowing would be too kind. WE GET IT, Survivor, everything's gonna change in the first TEN Minutes! We KNOW!

Gina and Chachi get the mail and Vecepia reads it to the tribe:

We don't want to tell you a thingMisconceptions we want you to bringStand on a diskThere may be some risk'Specially to your evil ring

It's very vague, and everyone wonders if it means standing and keepin your balance or whatever. It's not apparent AT ALL from the poem that there's a switch happening, but Sean still says "Here's where the game gets really interesting!" I think one of the line producers slipped him a candy bar to say that, "We need it for the promo, just say it after you hear the uninteresting poem and don't ask any questions!"

So, they all arrive to the challenge beach and Jeff says, "No challenge today--though Gina will be rewarded and everyone else will be punished!" They all stand on disks, randomly, and one by one, Jeff tells them to check under them and find out what tribe they are now in. Now, I thought this was pretty cool--it's the only real way to switch them up because they can't surprise them like last season. That being said, it was hardly the "Most exciting ten minutes in the HISTORY of television," as promised by TV commercials. I mean, face it. If you're a Survivor fan a) you knew something was coming and b) You 're gonna watch the whole show and not just the "first ten minutes!" Right? And if you're not a fan of the show, then a tribe shake-up is hardly exciting to you. You'd need a good fist-fight to get a non-fan in, at this point. Anyway, the numbers don't change, just the personnel. Gina and Sarah stay at Maraamu, welcoming Nelah, Krazy Kath and Pappy Paschal. Sean, Chachi & Vecepia go over to Rotu. The angry look on Chachi's face was truly priceless. Sarah looked lost, Zoe looked like she wanted to plant Jeff in the sand, face first. Seriously, don't cross Zoe. EVERYONE was unhappy with the switch, except for Gina who was grinning from ear to ear. Jeff assures them all that this was decided long ago--which is odd. I think they always planned an uneven shake-up, but this early? I dunno. On the other hand, I don't think this makes the game *that* much more interesting. Seems to me, this just allows Rotu to get rid of Maraamu quicker, really.

At New Maraamu, Gina and Sarah show off the camp. The newbies are agog over the plentiful fruit trees and how easy it is to eat. Gina says, "It was refreshing to be with people who don't suck." Looks like Chachi won't be complaining about having to eat grapefruit all day--they don't have any at Rotu :) Gina tells the group she used to teach school but now she's a bartender/grad student. I think, if you want to get on Survivor, you should say you're a bartender, even if you're not. It seems to help. Turns out Kath has left real estate to pursue the same thing as Gina: environmental studies. Sarah says, "Kath and Gina hit it off right away. They're both smart. I'm glad Gina has a friend." Sarah is just...this simple. She's not evil at all, just easily influenced. She should be threatened by Gina's ability to hit it of with the other tribe, but she's genuinely... I don't know if happy fits since Sarah seems rather bored about pretty much everything, but pleased, let's say that Gina isn't alone. It's almost sad. Also sad is Sarah's explaining how great the morning radio show was, which just doesn't translate anyway, let alone when told by the personality-challenged Sarah, who reveals her role on the show: "I was the Beauty." On a RADIO SHOW, people. Then again, my dad tells me that they used to listen to tap dancers and ventriloquists on the radio when he was a kid, so who am I to judge Sarah, the radio beauty. Then Sarah mentions that Hunter was the weather guy, allowing Gina to reveal, "Hunter's the magnificent man they voted out last night," and Nelah and Pappy talk about how they thought that Hunter was going to go til the end, and how shocked they were to see him gone and Sarah--who could and should just keep her mouth shut here, says, "Yeah, he was really strong and really hard-working and *The Four* [like she wasn't one of them?] voted him out for...some reason...where's Rob? Gina, where's Rob is he coming back?" Not to go all geek on you, but she's like a Borg cut off from the hive, she's just utterly unable to function without Chachi the Puppetmaster. Gina just stares at her in stunned disbelief. Pappy tells us he's glad to be at the new camp as the lazy people have gone on, and there's all this fruit. Nelah and Kath also rave about the fruit--apparently, it's better than love and happiness, at least when you're on Survivor. They don't seem to miss their old tribesmen.

At Rotu, Sean greets the new camp thusly, "It's better than the PROJECTS. May I remind you, I'm black, and I hope that makes y'all uncomfortable!' Tammy thinks new people are neat-o. John passes around the toasted coconut flakes (Survivor: the breakfast cereal, anyone?) and Chachi raves about it in what we now recognize as his "I'm just a likeable joe" suck-up routine. Vecepia says, "Well, on the one hand, they seemed to genuinely welcome us into the tribe, but on the other hand, they seemed to want us to work. Like, right away? Which wasn't cool. They *immediately* started giving us chores and that's when we realized that no one on this tribe is lazy and funloving like us. Me and the guys were STUNNED because, at Maraamu, we like to chill and play pretend radio show, you know?" However, Vecepia learns everyone's nicknames and does her share without complaint to her new tribesmen--she ain't stupid.

Rob has been thrown for a loop by the realignment, "I dunno how tuh ovuh come duh numbuh a'vantage dat dey have. I ain't so good with numbuhs anyway." Then we get Chachi's inferiority-complex inspired run-down of his new tribe: "Gabe seems ah-right. He's smaht, but not as smaht as he thinks he is. John seems like a big time quee-uh tuh me. He seems tough, but dehn he duz all duh cookin' which is, like, soooooo gay. I won' be seeplin' nex tuh him dat's fuh shore!" Then he dissects Big Rob, who goes by the nickname "The General." Big Rob has a tattoo on his arm, reminding him of this fact. Chachi grins, "The General seems nice, mostly cuz he's a big, strong, straight, blue-collah guy like me. He wants everyone tuh know what a big tough guy he is--he probably has a little sausage," He giggles like a ten-year-old. You know, it's funny Rob: You're quick to point out that John's homosexuality makes you uncomfortable, yet *you're* the only guy talking about anyone else's...ahem, wiener. Maybe it's the General who should be worried about sleeping next to *you* He continues, "Tammy's engaged, and fur dat reason alone, no hope uh huh fallin' fuh my irresistable chahm. Zoe, c'mon, she's the toughest man in duh tribe." Well Chachi, despite you're low opinion of them, they have managed to kick your ass three ways from Sunday in every single solitary competition.

Does Rob deliberately shave his face to look that stupid, or is he just incapable of growing a full mustache at the tender age of 26?

At Maraamu, Gina gives the newbies a lesson in pronunciation. Turns out, it's mar-uh-AH-moo, not muh-RAH-mu. Gina is thrilled when everyone is eager to get to work and fetch water. On the way, Gina tells Nelah how perfect and noble and good Hunter was, and how the evil ones dismissed him out of jealousy and spite. Pappy, Nelah and Kath are unpleasantly surprised when they see that Maraamu has no waterfall and clear spring. They have a hole in the ground where they get water to boil. It's a trade-off for the fruit. Gina tells us, "I know these guys are really tight and they're disappointed to be separated form Camp Happiness, but I'm so thrilled to be with them instead of those lazy sons of bitcches I could jus' cry. I know they still have the numbers advantage and can pick us off one by one, and I actually hope to hell that's what happens over at Rotu to Sean and Rob and V, cuz they deserve whatever they git!" Word!

Back to Rotu, where justice is served! Rob and Sean are sweating like the pigs they are, toiling alongside their hardworking new tribe. Rob moans, "It's like, two duhgrees shy uh hell hee-uh. Dey's wuhkuh-holicks. No one wants to play "pretend radio show," no one wants to chase roostuhs. No one has big fake plastic boobs, it's terrible. Dey always wants yuh duh do stuff: 'we gotta make uh fire so we don' freeze, we gotta get shells so we don' starve' blah blah blah. I wish Huntuh an' Gina was here to do all that junk so me an' Sean an' Sarah an' V could re-establish Chill Town--oh wait, wrong reality show."

Sean, meanwhile, is digging a ditch alongside the General, using oars instead of shovels. The two men, one white and the other black, are sharing equally in the load but Sean is still on his "Work means oppression" kick, raving, "We're doin' too much labor! I feel like the MASTER is watching--I can here the Roots theme playing in the background. I don't like being tired at night, I wanna sit by the fire, waaaaah!" Is Sean aware that he personally was never a slave? And that all of Rotu is working as hard as he is? And that it says in that Bible he keeps flashing around: "Do all things without grumbling or disputing; that you may prove yourselves blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world"? (Philippians 2:14-15) Somehow, I doubt it.

Later, despite their declarations to the contrary, Sean and Rob are allowed to rest on the beach. They are both wearing bandanas (I refuse to call them "buffs" okay?) over their faces. Either something smells, or they think they're being cute, or they were just playing cowboys and indians, I'm not sure which. Y'know, last week I said Rob's listed occupation of "construction worker" was ominous, but now it seems just plain dubious, if carrying fire wood for a couple hours is this exhausting to him. At any rate, Chachi and Sean are moaning about how hard everything is. Still playing games, they give each other mock-radio interviews, and clearly think they're adorable. They bitch about the work, about how this tribe's women aren't as hot as Sarah and Gina, and about how John is gay. Rob, clearly having trouble with even the simplest math as there are only 8 people total at Camp Happiness, sneers, "Deh's eight men and one woman in did tribe--heh name is John." Even childish Sean won't go there, "I don't know nothin' about that," he demurs. Just then Tammy arrives with some food. They kiss her ass and tell her how much they like her. When she leaves, they chortle, "There's a woman who knows her place!" Then they dream of running away. I made this point last year, but let me elaborate: It occurs to me that a lot of potential employers watch "Survivor." Also, future wives. Run ladies, RUN AWAY!!! Tammy assures me, "We'll feed them whether they work or not--we're not monsters, after all! But they'll be out of here!" Please, please, please let this be true!

Back at Maraamu, it's the Return of Kath :D :D :D :D Yay! The group decide to go for a hike. Kath takes on the role of leader, barks at everyone to keep up, then promptly gets them all lost but won't admit it, "Everyone enjoyed the hike *to a point,* but then they got tired. I have to remind myself, 'Kath, remember, most people are not as strong as we are." Gina picks up on Nelah and Pappy's annoyance with Kath, and sees a glimmer of hope--maybe she can drive a wedge between them? I'd love for Gina to survive into the merge, but I ain't holding my breath. Kath continues, "Fortunately, we pressed on, and thanks to my diligence, we found a little pool with some large shrimp in it." Everyone joins together to try and catch some much needed protein except for Sarah, who *stares blankly* and scratches her legs and then decides she's too miserable to help and heads back to camp. I loved how Gina said, "We surely didn't care," and how much she enjoyed when Sarah got lost and had to come back. Sarah tells us, "Look, unlike everyone else, I'm suffering, okay? I've lost weight, I'm hungry, I've got bug bites...where's Rob?" Kath tells us, "Sarah likes to be a useless, brainless, vacant lump--that's her thing. The rest of us like to work." Sarah's fate is sealed.

At Rotu, Tammy continues to bring the pigs food, which causes Gabe and I to frown. Sean is growing more disgruntled by the minute, raving, "All we can do is win the immunity challenges. This group is tight, we don't have a chance of making any kind of good impression so why bother working hard? Why bother working at all? I'm not gonna kiss anyone's butt and I can't keep my mouth shut for more than two minutes so they better watch out!" Sure enough, he unloads on Gabe, "Y'all are gonna vote us out anyway so we're--and I apparently speak for all of us--we're not gonna try and impress you by doing our share of the chores--" Gabe interrupts, "I want you to listen to me--" and for all Sean knows, he's gonna tell him that there are alliances within Camp Happiness and that he, Gabe, might need some help from Sean but Sean won't hear it, "We're not gonna be you're SLAVES," he growls, which seems to offend Gabe. Sean continues, "I'm a grown man out here! I'm comin' out of my shell to tell you that I'm a whiny, lazy, good for nothing wimp and I insist you vote my out first!" then he stalks off without giving the STUNNED Gabe a chance to speak, which hardly seems like a grown-man thing to do. Come to think of it, most grown men I know actually have bosses and jobs and ARE expected to work and pull their weight and answer to other human beings. Grown men actually have to do more of it than kids, Sean. Kids can play "pretend radio show" all day, men have to work.

Sean tries to get V's opinion on what just happened as she, oddly enough, is doing chores. She tells him, "Uh, yeah, I'm SMART? So, while I'm not going to do anything to piss off you and Rob, I'm also not going to be confrontational with our new tribespeople, nor am I going to be seen conspiring with you, nor am I gonna shirk my duties. Yes, they're gonna try to pick us off one by one, but if I can be third on their list, I can maybe survive into the merge and who know what'll happen then. Drama free is the way to be, chump!" I'm still mad at her for the Hunter vote, but Vecepia is playing the game well so far.

At Maraamu, Gina and Kath get the mail. The poem indicates that there's weaving involved and Kath smirks, "Good thing weaving is one of the *many* things I excel at!" They return to camp, where a napping Sarah has wrapped herself in Pappy's American flag in a pathetic and misguided attempt to win votes. Kath suspects that Rotu might roll over and let them win so that they can get rid of one of the pigs--which makes sense to me but it doesn't work out that way. As the previous day's hike foreshadowed, Kath barks orders and takes charge, but her leadership is inept and Rotu wins again. Rob and Sean bask in their first victory even though they were sitting on the sidelines.

Then, at least in LA, there was a full minute of terrifying NOTHINGNESS and then "Please Stand BY"on my screen. CBS, don't EVER DO THAT TO ME DURING SURVIVOR AGAIN. I didn't appear to have missed anything. Kath is going on and on about That Rotu Spirit, "They just have this intense fire about them, that's the way they do their challenges and that's why they win!" Which I'm pretty sure was Kath's super stealthy passive aggressive way of saying, "You guys are a bunch of losers," but no one seemed to get that. Sarah is standing in the water, posing for fashion photographers only she can see. Gina sighs, "Sarah's pretty much given up. I think she *must* know she's going tonight, although, being the brainless twit that she is, she might not have a clue!" Cut to Sarah who shrugs, "Everyone really likes each other, no one's plotting...it could be anyone, really. I'm voting for Kathy because she's being so overbearing LIKE MY MOTHER, who isn't the boss of me anymore cuz I'm, like, 24? So screw her and all women who remind me of her even a little bit!" CBS gives it their best shot at trying to hide the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS departure of Sarah, but besides her anti-Kath statement the best they can do is Nelah, "Golly willikers, Kathy's really really super hard-working and, shucks, sometimes she can be...I don't wanna be mean or anything, but she can be sort of bossy? And when she wants something done she can get sort of high strung and panicky and sometimes that makes the rest of us panicky, a little." *angelic smile* That's trash-talking, Nelah-style. Sarah is SO DEAD. Kath isn't so sure though, "I was out bush-wacking--which I;m really good at. I think it's because I grew up near the ocean. I was talking to myself and I said, 'Kath, you never know, okay? you might get voted off.' And then I argued, 'that wouldn't be fair, Kath, I'm a hard worker!' And then I replied, "Kath, calm down, I'm not saying it's probable but, Nelah and Paschal *could* be tired of our leadership--' 'They're weak, Kath Weak I say! Anything could happen!" There's something alarming about how wide Kathy keeps her eyes open as wide as she possibly can at all times.

Tribal Council. Nelah, Kathy and Paschal have to be taught about the torch lighting etc, having never been, and Jeff sounds yet even more bored than he did the first time as he tells them how fire represents life etc. etc. etc. Paschal raves about the new location and the fruit and the tribe mood. Jeff asks Gina if she liked the switch-up, "It was awesome, best day of my life!" Jeff wonders,"Do you think you were next," "Uh....DUH! Yes!" "Do you miss any of those creeps?" "Uh...DUH! No!" Then Jeff (the MASTER of the leading question) asks Kathy, "So ARE you in the loser tribe now?" But his taunt fails to provoke any of her alternate personalities from surfacing. She replies calmly, "Hey, I liked Rotu. It was a strong team of winners. When I got switched, I cycled from manic to depressed faster than I ever have in my entire life! I'm competitive, okay? So, yeah, this is disappointing but TRUST ME, I've survived FAR worse." Nelah agrees with Kathy and Paschal that, "Leapin' Lizards, it sure was a shock when we got switched, Mr. Probst. But it's been ever so much fun meeting these new people and everything and the beach is beautiful! Thanks!" Sarah thinks the switch was good, "It was a surprise but it was cool to meet the other people...have you seen Rob anywhere?" Sarah goes down 4-1. She votes for Kathy, but only writes "K.O." for Kathy O'Brien. She only did "H.E." for Hunter--of course she probably can't spell. Wouldn't it be great if someone wrote a nickname or something and then had to explain it? Jeff doesn't know who it is and they have to raise they're hand and say, "Er...yeah...Chachi...that's what I call Rob. I forgot that that's only his nickname in my mind, heh heh, Sorry..." Sarah joins Ramona and Mitch, who were really just too sick to continue, and Linda, who's classic line "Did your mama never hug ya!?" still brings me joy to this day. No tragedy to see Simple Sarah go bye bye, but I fear Gina will go next. If this bunch can't win a weaving contest, I think they're pretty much dead, don't you? If by some miracle Maraamu wins, then I think Rotu axes Sean. The teaser implies some friction in Rotu, but I'm sure it's not enough to get the Love tribe to actually turn on one another until they've eliminated the newcomers. I'd be stunned if sweet Nelah and Honest Abe actually turned on Kath, let's face it, they're too decent. I'm afraid that Gina's almost certainly toast--victim of circumstance, what can you do?

Tonight's winner: Gina! She survives to face at least one more immunity challenge. Tonight's loser: Grammar. Both Nelah and Sarah say "Ex-pecially." Peace, Christine :)