Survivor 4.3 "The Horror, The Horror!"

Well, as you can imagine, I'm pretty riled up! I mean, I think Tom Ridge dropped the ball here because, that hour of television...watching an American hero get dismissed by a bunch of whiny idiots...that can't be good for national morale or Homeland security, if you ask me. Survivor four, and Hunter is no more! NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

:(

The thing to remember, the thing I keep having to remind myself of is this: Hunter gets to be Hunter the rest of his life. To quote Salt and Pepa, he's "secure in his manhood cuz he's a real man." He's laughing about this. Meanwhile, Rob and Sean have to be Rob and Sean for the rest of their lives. Always feeling threatened by the dozens of superior humans they encounter EVERY DAY. I don't even know WHAT to say about the girls, going along with this. Sarah is excusable because she's worthless and dumb and has no recourse other than to do Rob's bidding, but Vecepia's part in all this just boggles my mind.

Last week, stupid people made me sad. This week, they made me mad >:(

In the recap montage, Jeff inexplicably tells us that last week, Kathy "redeemed herself" by finding the food, which isn't what happened at all. However, to make this episode EVEN more sucky than it already was, Kathy goes all "tolerable" on us, toning it down and becoming a beloved member of the Rotu love tribe--Betrayed!!!

We open at Moronmu, with Vecepia telling us that "Coming back with only 6 members was a "check-up from the neck-up" and she asks the gang how they're feeling. Sarah goes off, "When I woke up and you guys ere gone, I knew you were talking about me behind my breasts! Next time, wake me up before you go-go!" What is it with Lazy Survivors and their sleep? It's Samboohoo all over again. Last season the torpid slugs (Lindsey, Silas, Lil Kim & Brandon) were always sleeping late into the morning, even though they didn't do any work. But you know what? At least they had the decency to be entertaining. Also, this isn't a generational issue. If one uses the definition of Gen X starting in 1965 and ending around 1977 or so, ALL the remaining Moronmu tribemembers are Gen X, except MAYBE Sarah who, at 24, I'll slide over to GEN Y, even though I know some people cheat Gen X up to 1980. Sean and Rob are enough for any generation to live down, though Hunter and Ethan cancel them out quite nicely (and they *would* be nice about it, I think...)

Anyway, Hunter calmly tells Sarah to relax and that she's being paranoid, and Sarah says, "APPARENTLY, I have to be," then impressed with herself, she says it again for emphasis. Sarah thinks all good things come in pairs...Gina tells Sarah that she decided to vote for Sarah only when she said that she didn't want to waste her nenergy on working and Sarah ACTUALLY interrupts Gina with "Saving my PERSONAL energy for the challenges!" as though this makes perfect sense--she saves her "personal" energy for the challenges, and, stored in another part of her body (one shudders to think), is the "group" energy she would use to do work...if she felt like it. Zuh? Vecepia goes all Mary J. Blige on us, begging for "No More Drama!" Gina looks mournfully at the fire.

Then Sean opens his mouth, and it's time for some more nonsensical posturing. "We're all grown people out here, I'm not a child, so respect me! Communicate with me and Respect me, waaaahhhh!" Everyone else says, "Uh...we all respect you, Sean," but he isn't having any of that. "You know what I just invented in my head? When you don't communicate to me in a manner I deem is submissive enough, it's a form of disrespect! It's also disrespectful to just ASSUME that people are gonna wake up at the same time as you!" Oy, AGAIN, with the sleep! I think Sean's braids are tied to tight, he doesn't make any sense, EVER.

Gina tells us, correctly, "Sarah and Sean don't want to be told what to do, but they don't know what to do and if you ask them to do something, they get pissed off about it!" Hunter calls Sean on his bizarre communication about communication, wondering, "So...you got mad because you felt I *asked* you to get water?" Sean babbles, "It's not like I got upset (LIE), but..its almost like you *told* me to get the water!" (NOT TRUE) Sarah jumps on this (sorry, boys, not literally), shouting "There's no ASKING, only Telling! You're not the boss of me, Hunter!" Hunter asks Sean, "Am I being selfish? Am I being bossy? Am I doing anything remotely wrong or inconsiderate or lazy like the rest of you jerks?" Sean replies, "Not at all. I just hate you because you're a bigger man in every way possible. You're a harder worker, you're stronger, you're taller, you're smarter, you're more informed, you're more controlled and you're better looking." Hunter tells us he's sick of all the complaining, "All they do is bitch and moan and carry on. This is a 39 day Survivor game, and it's only going to get harder." Word.

Throughout all this, Rob just sits there, letting everyone else tear each other apart. I hate Rob so much--to think, I called him "dear" in week one and felt protective of him! I guess this is how Chachi might have turned out had he not fallen under the streetwise--but moral tutelage of the Fonz. Yet, I have to give him *some* credit--it actually IS smart to be quiet during this pow wow. The thing about the dummy alliance is, you have three people who think they're pulling the strings--or at least who feel in control. Something's gotta give---preferably Rob's skull. Everyone agrees that "It's good we had this talk," and Vecepia wonders, "Gina, where are you at," and Gina has the good sense to hold back and say, "I'm fine, good to go!" She don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. But she is bitter inside. You and me both, babe.

And now for something completely different! Morning at the love tribe! Oh, those Rotu kids, they just love love one another! Yeah, it rained, which is a bummer, but just like friggin everything else--it brought them together! So. have this episode makes me angry, the other half puts me to sleep, even with blood and gore. Everyone works *as a team* to repair the shelter, and Gabriel coos, "There's just, something sooooo groovy about this tribe, man. We gather strength from working together and our good cheer and our strong spirits, dude." And then the sentence that drives a rusty dagger through my heart, "Even Kathy. The first few days with her were hard but she's made a complete turnaround and will no longer be interesting." My sister Jen assures me (having worked for a "Kathy") that she'll have her "up" days, but the awful--awfully entertaining that is!--Kath will return. From your lips to Mark Burnett's ears...Kath tells us she's decided to worry less and "go with the flow"--which turns out to be QUITE a literal statement. Because Dumb John sticks his hand on a sea urchin or some such spiky sea thing and gets them imbedded in his hand and he needs someone to pee on his hand to disinfect it (something many of us first heard about on "Survivor" archrival "Friends"). Paschal tries but can't and Kathy comes through. She drops trou, squats and pees on John's hand. When CBS has it's next big anniversary, you can be sure that's going in the clip reel--right between the Edward R. Murrow tribute and the last episode of "M.A.S.H." Everyone else looks grossed out--but they all look! Kathy tells us, "I think Paschal had performance anxiety. Not me! I'm apparently really good at peeing on command--maybe because I grew up near the ocean!" Poor Peter--his tribe voted him out for boasting about his er, eliminations--in Rotu, his mastery over his bladder could have made him a hero!

The rest of the Rotu segment was "The close bond that is developing between young sweet pea (pea, not pee) Nelah and older Southern gentleman Paschal. She's like one of his daughters! "He's such a dear man--I'd surely hate to vote him out!" In other words, Rodger and Elisabeth Redux! C'mon already, snore, buy a new dynamic!

Back to the Moronmu radio show! Vecepia claims the rain washed all of Moronmu's troubles out to see and everything's just dandy! It is SO hard to rewatch this stuff, knowing that Hunter gets screwed over. Watching Vecepia hug him, watching Hunter and Sean laugh at Sean's mock outrage when Hunter says the black no-nos are worse than the white ones (no nos are vicious marqueasan biting bugs). It's hard not to cringe ant this moment, because Sean clearly has so many real issues about race, especially in regards to Hunter, who he always calls "The Golden Boy" behind his back. Play time is the only thing some members of the tribe seem to excel at--Sarah can't even do that *staring blankly, laughing when the other laugh*

Enter Jeff Probst, looking so studly as he roars up on a speedboat in a clingy and blue long-sleeved shirt (at least they can't vote out Jeff). He gives the gang a bunch of bamboo rods and tells them to build a very strong raft that can carry six people and a lot of supplies. Then everyone stands there, waiting for Hunter to tell them what to do so that they can resent the hell out of him for it.

Back at Rotu, of course, everyone is singing "Whistle while you work" and patting each other on the back and deferring to one another's better judgment. I wonder about that "Immunity" idol they've got in camp *cue Brady Bunch cursed Hawaiian Tiki music* because Robert busts his toe open and Nurse John has to come to the rescue. John is disappointed when Big Rob ( I just now realized we have two Roberts. Big Rob and Evil Rob aka Chachi) doesn't cry the way John did. Big Robert tells us that he ain't afraid of pain, "Look at my tattoos! Does this look like the body of a sissy?" Uh oh, another tattoo freak, greaaaat. But, crybaby John has tattoos, so this is all moot. I don't have anything against people with tattoos, but I do have something against people who act like having them *means something important*. It doesn't mean you're a badass, it doesn't mean you're a rebel, it doesn't mean you're dangerous--it means you had $40 and some time to kill one day. And it *might* mean you have hepatitis--ya might want to check that out. Anyway, John is proud to tell us, "I'm a registered nurse, and everyone is very confident in my ability to help in any way I can--when I'm not impaling myself on the local wildlife and crying like a baby about my failed pig trap." John is so full of himself, but I'd rather he perform brain surgery on me than Dr. Sean. Gabriel has a nifty idea for the raft and takes the leadership role. Zoe tells us, "Gabe has an awesome plan!" Everyone works in harmony *cue "Witness" Amish barn-raising music* as Gabe tells us, "Work is FUN!"

Cut to Moronmu, where Sean and Robert are vetoing Hunter's suggestions (that they make sure the raft CAN FLOAT, for instance) because they're big dumb mean IDIOTS. "What if we have to carry it," they whimper, causing Gina to hiss with barely controlled contempt, "Boats are for the water you JACKASSES!" Hunter tells us he doesn't believe that anything's really changed since they had it out after tribal council, despite what everyone else is saying. The group builds a raft and Hunter does most of the work. Sean blathers, "I never had a problem with Hunter being the leader (LIE), I just don't like anyone who outshines me, especially when it's The Golden Boy! Hunter's playing the game too, and don't you forget it!" But he's playing it TO YOUR BENEFIT right now, dumbass. Again, just like Samboohoo, this tribe is already too eager to vote out it's next member, instead of working together and avoid having to vote out anyone at all. In his head, Sean imagines himself as Joe Louis to Hunter's Max Schmeling, but Sean ain't no champ, he's a chump!

Rob, meanwhile, tells us that "Dis may suhprize you, but I'm wuh hunred puhsent like Huntuh. Everyone wants tuh be duh big man, but out hee-uh You's be dumb tuh show it." Now, On the one hand, this is madness--Hunter, I'm certain, could have guessed that a rooster could fly. But on the other hand, Letting Sean and Hunter duke it out is clever. It's a solid strategy IF the rest of your plan is solid. Ethan, for example, benefitted from Lex and Tom's mistrust of one another. But Rob, like Sean, is SO threatened by Hunter, and so enthralled of the idea of someone like him--a petty, vicious man-child--getting one over on a man as remarkable and decent and smart as Hunter, he'd rather screw over his chance of winning than keep him around one more minute. This is a similar theme for military men in Survivor--Jerri got everyone to oust Kel, even though they needed his physical strength, and Lindsey and Brandon and Silas were so consumed with hating Frank they took their eyes off the prize--Brandon especially, who could have ousted Lex and maybe possibly made it to the final four with T-Bird, Frank and Lil Kim had he not teamed with Lex in a failed attempt to get rid of Frank. If ROb were as smart as he thinks he is, he'd at least use Hunter's strength and target Gina or Vecepia or Sean or Sarah. But he's a bully who'd rather be "obeyed" than successful. More on that later, when Rob reveals his "evil genius." I guess it's safe to call Rob Survivor's idiot savant.

Back at ROtu, John gets bit by an eel *cue Brady tiki music* Dude, what's your freakin' problem. Thankfully, no one pees on his hand this time. Tammy tells us, "Things can change in a second out here!" Uh, does that mean you're tribe can get interesting? SOON?

Moronmu. Everyone's taking a breather. Sean is wearing a life vest and floating in the sea--with his shoes on which seems stupid to me, but maybe eels bite your toes if you don't--I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, but seems to me wet shoes=stinky fuzzy feet down the road. Anyway, he's singing loudly and obviously thinks he's adorable. I was hoping for a shark to eat him myself. Vecepia is reading the Bible (whatever) and Hunter is of course, working while Sarah gyrates on Chachi's lap. There's a great scene where Chachi and Sarah are napping and Sarah snuggles and Rob pulls away a bit and complains about how much he'd like to wash his hair, which I THINK might be his way of saying, "You smell, chesty." Hunter looks suicidal as he stares off into the sea as the other whine about how hungry and dirty they are. Sean bitches to us about the raw fish and how he'd rather eat his own feces than eat it again, even if it is their only source of valuable protein he needs TO LIVE. Hunter tells us he wishes they'd just "suck it up!" Now, like Sean, I wouldn't be happy out there either. I couldn't eat that slimy sea junk, I couldn't deal with not showering, I couldn't deal with the bugs and I'd have bopped someone over the head with a grapefruit LONG AGO. Hence, I didn't sign up to be on SURVIVOR! I am humble enough to know I am not a particularly adventurous or adaptable person, and I'm proud enough to not want to look like a whiny, picky, wimp on national television. Sean, lying around and singing and complaining and posturing, thinks he's a role model for young kids. SERIOUSLY. I'll bet he's watching this with his students and bragging about how he's standing up to Huntuh! "You gotta let people know they ain't yo daddy!" But What would Jesus Do, Sean? Lounge around and let everyone else do the work just to prove He's nobody's slave? Where is your servant's heart Sean? As the gang heads out for their raft race, Hunter gives the group some helpful advice about how to load the stuff onto the raft--Sean and Chachi look resentful OF COURSE!

The reward challenge is for either a weeks worth of rice or some blankets, lanterns and pillows. They have to race one another and pick ups some floating crates along the way. The whole thing is pretty even despite all of Gabe's talk about building the superior raft. In the home stretch, Sean totally dogs it. Rotu wins again and takes the blankets (they like eating the raw fish) and Moronmu is demoralized.

Back at camp, everyone is lamenting what total losers they are. Hunter tells us what he doesn't have the heart to tell the others (They'd hate him for it anyway), "Winning is an attitude you carry with you all the time. If we could work together as ateam at our chores, we'd do better at theses challenges!" Cut to: Gina struggling to open up a papaya while muscle-bound Sean *helpfully* tells her "You've almost got it," instead of being useful and doing it for her. Then he whines to us about how much he wanted some rice. 30 more days, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, Sean. Better suck it up and get used to being hungry.

Immunity Limerick

It's time for another hard game
but we're certain the outcome's the same
we watch all the dailies
Moronmu's all babies
Let's face it, that tribe's hella lame

At the challenge spot, Rotu gives up the immunity tiki, and Gabriel jokes, "It'll be back soon," to which Sean replies, "The humble shall be exalted." Uhm, can anyone recommend a good Bible study so Sean can learn what humility actually is?? The game is cool, there's a maze and three members of the tribe must manipulate it in such a way that they move a coconut through it and get the coconuts into a hole, with another team member telling them how to do it. First to get three nuts in, wins. A friend of mine pointed out that CBS edits this and tricks us to make it look closer than it is. When you watch the game, it looks like both teams are neck and neck, with Moronmu's coconut swirling around the inner circle and refusing to go in the hole while Rotu is able to squeak past them and win. But my friend pointed out to me (he's my deep throat, he does NOT want to be named) that on the long shot of the Moronmu team, we see them drop the maze in disgust when Rotu wins and we see the coconut Waaaaaay the hell back in the maze, towards the entrance. It wasn't close at all! Editing most Foul! But yes, it's back to tribal council for Moronmu.

Next comes a bunch of misleading scenes, in which Sarah and Sean are both mentioned as strong contenders for dismissal. Hunter and Gina (don't they make a cute couple? I'm totally serious) discuss strategy while gathering food, and Hunter assures Gina that Rob would be smart to eliminate the worthless Sean--"If Rob wants a strong team, he'd be stupid to get rid of you--or me." It's implied that Vecpeia overhears. It's interesting that Hunter does see Rob as someone with power, despite Rob's belief that he's flying under the radar. Hunter's words are true, but, sadly, Rob IS stupid. When Hunter pitches ousting Sean to Chachi, he says, "Yeah, Sean is a lazy loudmowt, but I dohn NOT like 'im, but your on tuh me, so you's gotta go, Huntuh." Hunter isn't pleased with Rob's not agreeing to get rid of Sean, and Chachi smirks at the camera, just absolutely in love with himself, basking in his ability to make Hunter mad. Then Rob goes to Sean and Sean of course agrees with him when he says, "Heh's duh thing, you 'n me ah duh ones makin' duh decisions. Duh girl's uhl do any ting we say." Which would be offensive IF IT WASN'T TRUE. But Vecepia and Sarah WILL do anything they say, apparently, so...what can I say? I can't be mad at Sarah because if it weren't for Rob, she'd be gone and she knows it, but Vecepia is better than this, and I can't understand her siding with dopes instead of Hunter and Gina. I thought she was playing both sides, but I *think* Vecepia thinks she can cash in on stupidity of her fellow travelers down the road--I guess Rob was right, everyone wants to be the big man, but too early, and at the expense of the big picture. Even if it made sense strategically, I would never allow myself to be perceived by person one of the television audience, that either Rob or Sean was pulling my strings or pushing me around. I'd rather be poolside, drinking Mai Tai's at the Tahiti Hilton with Jeff Probst and Patricia (Peter, not so much).

Sean asks Rob if he has any real feelings for Sarah, and he hedges but then says no, he's just playing the game. Then we get the "E.C.P.S." The Evil Chachi Position Statement, in which he tells us "It's important fuh me dat everyone do as I say, without dem realizing I'm telling dem what tuh say" "It doesn't mattuh if *MY* team is stronguh physically or even mentally, just so long as dey obey." And then he raves about how fear will keep the tribe loyal to him, and, reveling in his knowledge of the gangster ethos, he says, "If deyr afraid, dey'll do what dey tell you tuh do. That's straight out of the Godfathuh," he grins. Now, I'm not familiar enough with the dialogue of the Godfather, but I'm certain that if that's a direct quote, it must go, "If they're afraid, they'll do what I/you tell them to do," because then it would make sense. Rob, though, reminds me of those low level goons in "The Sporanos" that try to prove themselves by hurting or killing or robbing someone they aren't supposed to, which results in their getting whacked. Rob's listed occupation as "Construction Worker," suddenly sounds very ominous.

So, we go to tribal council, and I'm expecting that a) maybe Vecepia votes with Hunter and Gina to vote out Sarah, resulting in a tie and Hunter/Gina beats Sarah at Anything and Everything not involving a wet T-shirt contest. Which is delusional, but, like I said, I thought until Wednesday Night that Vecepia was better than this. b) I think "Chachi's Moron's" team up to oust Gina. Because, Even a bunch of idiots bonded together like this Foolish Four SHOULD be juuuuust smart enough to try to use Hunter's physical and mental strengths to stop the bleeding before the merge. Silly me.

Jeff asks Sarah if everyone's getting along, she says yes (and might be so oblivious as to mean it). Hunter says the group has to reinvent themselves when they get back to camp and start from scratch to have a winning attitude. Rob blames their 0-5 losing streak on bad luck, not laziness or lack of ethics, "Weh not unable tuh win. I tink duh best way fuh us tuh win is tuh get rid of ah strongest playah." Then Vecepia says that it's time for everyone to look deep inside themselves, "I find my strength in God. I find my strength in Jesus Christ--but that's just me! Someone else might get their strength from some freaky star-gazing religion, or from lying around singing while other people work, or from having gigantic fake boobs--whatever it takes!" You know what, I've never stabbed anyone in the back ever, but even in the context of a game--which I admit this is--If say, I'm playing Uno and I'm gonna drop the Draw Four on one of my sisters, I wouldn't choose to invoke the name of my God right before I did it. Personally, that'd make me uncomfortable.

I'm sure I'm taking this way too personally, but Christians are so rarely portrayed on TV as it is, and when they are, it's usually bad (If a person has a cross around their neck on "Law & Order," take it to the bank they're a nut job). Between Vecepia and Sean here and the horrible Holly and Chadwick on Real World/Road Rules challenge, reading Bible verses about "persecution" when they lose some silly game, it's enough to make you want to beg Christians not to go on reality shows, period.

BUT, I'm being ridiculous. There are probably plenty of religious people on this year's Survivor as well as others that just AREN'T obnoxious about it. Rodger comes to mind. I hear the same complaints I have about Christians on reality TV from my gay friends who moan in horror at Brandon's mincing around last season and "team Guido's" terrible behavior on the Amazing Race, and I know a lot of Jewish people were thrilled with Ethan long before he won--because he was an athletic Jew! Maybe not uncommon on the Rugby field at Brandies, but almost never seen on TV. I can only imagine what black male viewers of "Survivor" (are there any??) think about Gervase, CB & Sean. Maybe next season they can cast a black Hunter?

So far, the Osmond-worthy Nelah isn't embarrasing the Mormons--YET.

Back to the horrible vote--no, not Richard Riordan's defeat in the Republican Primary. Right before they go in, Sean rants about how "I've never lost so much in my entire life! I'm sick of losing and it's wearing me Down, waaaaaah!" Sounds like a guy you want to keep around, right? Gina and Hunter vote for Sarah, everyone else votes for Hunter. Sean says, "The game says 'outwit' and you didn't see this coming, which must mean it's a great strategy and that, despite all evidence to the contrary, we're better than you." Gina looks sick, Hunter is stunned. Jeff reminds the remaining moron's "Ummmm, we're only 9 days in, guys. And anything can happen." And it will. During Basketball, they're hyping next week as the show that "Turns the Survivor's world upside down." Meaning, the producers realized they had to shake up the game immediately because it's getting sucky (Boring tribe/Retch-inducing tribe) I have mixed feelings about this, because on the one hand, I'm all for anything that might save Gina. On the other hand, I'd also enjoy watching the moron's eat each other before hitting the merge with two people. I mean, as much as Kathy and John bug me, I'd rather they win all the marbles than any of these twits. Hunter gives the best exit interview in, like, forever, "I don't understand this at all, uh you got me, I guess. I was camping with a bunch of knuckleheads, and I'll tell you that to your face. I will be sure to phone the red cross and notify them of your location after you die of starvation and dehydration. Hang in there Gina." Oh Hunter, to paraphrase Don McLean, "I could have told you, Hunter, this game was never meant for one as beautiful as you!" Hunter joins Stacey, Mad Dog and Carl in this slot. Interesting, because they were all forced out by alliances. The Tagi alliance eliminated her, and never wavered. But Mad Dog was eliminated with the help of Colby and Tina, who later turned against the evil Jerri, and Carl was ousted with the help of Lil Kim, who redeemed herself in my eyes. Is Vecepia a lost cause? Wouldn't it be sweet if Sarah managed to help oust Rob? I'd pay to see that.

Peace--and unlike Sean, who says it just to sound like a rapper, I actually mean it. Next week: a surprising shake-up (merge? rule change? third tribe? switcheroo?) and hopefully, less preaching from me ;p Christine