Survivor 4.1 :D

It's back! I wish it had been gone longer--I didn't feel all giddy when we
went to tribal council for the first time--cuz we were JUST THERE in
Africa. But I'm excited--this looks like it's gonna be a fun and
interesting season, doesn't it?

We begin our journey to the Marquesas on a fishing boat called "Amaryllus,"
and you can bet hard-core Survivor fans everywhere were racing into the
chatrooms to claim it was their Internet handle. The 16 miserable looking
Survivors were held in the hold of said boat, vomiting, and not allowed to
speak with each other. I always wonder how weird that must be, I mean, it
is a LONG trip. Then they have to ditch out of the boat and raft onto
shore. Jeff shows us the supplies in the crate: a machete and some knives,
some pots and a frying pan that looks like it hasn't been washed since
Jerri
made one of her kick-ass tortillas on it. It was seriously grody!
Although you think if it was pre-used, it would have been auctioned for a
fortune on ebay. I tried so hard to get something out of that stupid
auction, kids, but there are some very rich and crazy Survivor fans out
there, and I got nothin' :(

Anyway, the tribes make their way to shore. Rotu, pronounced "Row two,"
and I do keep expecting to hear "seat seven" every time someone says it, is
brought together by singing rowing songs. Can I go on record as saying
that "Survivor" has the best, and most recognizable mood-specific
background music since the Brady Bunch? It rules!

Maraamu, pronounced muh-RAH-moo, gets to shore, thanks to the hard work of
every tribemember, except for Queen Sarah, who stops paddling and
eventually stands on the supply crate, like Cleopatra on a litter, Sean
complains, "Save it. This is Survivor. Ain't no one tryin' to look at you
like that...well, except for Rob." It really is amazing that there are
people who are so self-absorbed they don't even realize that behavior like
this is infuriating to people. I can see dogging it on the final push, but
to stand atop the crate...wow. Sarah's huge ego is only eclipsed by the
size of her scary porn-star boobs.

Sean is very emotional when they finally reach shore. He's a black guy
from Harlem who's never been on an ocean before, and now he's swum from a
fishing boat to an island paradise. he brings Peter out into the water,
and they hold hands while Sean praised God for bringing them here, which
makes Rob uncomfortable, "Dey's eiduh plain duh game real early or days
definitely off deh rockuhs!" Yes, the spirit of Tom Buchanan lives in dumb
but dear Rob, the construction worker from Massachusetts--I can't wait to
hear and not understand what he says next! But he needn't worry about
Peter and Sean bonding. Peter is no charismatic Christian. He joined Sean
because Sean probably said, "who wants to join me in prayer?" and Pete
jumped at the chance to bond with *anyone.* If Gina had said, "Who wants
to join me in a wiccan chant?" Pete'd be out there holding hands with her
too.

Back at Rotu, the crate is opened to reveal: no edible supplies.
Apparently, our
survivors didn't know in advance that there'd be no food--harsh! The gang
tries to build a fire, and Kathy the real-estate agent becomes
bossy--again, did she watch the show? Everyone rolls their eyes and
mutters under their breath as Kathy runs around telling them how important
it is to have a fire, as though she's the only one who gives a dang if they
live or die. Gabriel-- whose floppy blond hair and nerdy glasses don't do
a damn thing for me, Survivor casting, and how dare you take away Ethan and
give me THIS!--calls Kathy, "the skipper," but since she doesn't call
anyone "little buddy" nor does she hit anyone with her hat, I haven't a
clue what he's talking about...

At Maraamu, Sarah is upset to learn there's no food in their crate, "I knew
it was gonna be hard when I saw there was no food. Fortunately, my huge
fake boobs will not be affected in the least by any change in my overall
bodyfat." Enter Hunter. Last time we saw Hunter, he was playing
volleyball at Miramar with Tom Cruise and Rick Rossovich. Hunter is the
natural born leader that Silas only imagined he was. He doesn't have to
take a knee to get everyone organized on the same page (his). Gina thinks
he's the best, "I love Hunter. He knows a little bit about everything,
he's a great leader, and he's soooooo fine!" All the girls dig Hunter, but
the men are threatened, and mock him for his superior knowledge. When he
starts talking about the prevailing winds, Rob laughs, "Yo, check owt dis
guy! Iz dis duh wethuh station ovuh ear?" The other men laugh. When
Hunter suggests (helpfully) that they can use banana leaves to catch rain
water, Sean dubs him MacGyver (a reference to an ABC that CBS remarkably
leaves in). I'd go with "Captain Dreamboat," but MacGyver will do for now,
even though he looks a lot more like Bruce Boxleitner than Richard Dean
Anderson. Rob wonders if it's safe to drink rain. Maybe not in Superfund,
Massachusetts, but in Tahiti, yeah, Rob it's okay. Then the so-far
likable Sean babbles at the camera that Hunter ain't his daddy, and he's
not gonna do what he says even though HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING. "They
better know, I'm from Harlem and I'm representin!" Representing exactly
WHAT, remains
to be seen. Is attitude Sean's luxury item? This isn't Survivor: New York
City, calm down and listen to the guy that knows how to keep you healthy.

Gina, Vecepia and Hunter work together to make the fire--they seem to have
formed a natural, "smart people" alliance, but time will tell. Peter is
called in to help, and he credits his yoga-breathing techniques when he
helps ignite the flame *cue mystic eastern music.* Pete's mastery over his
body carries the day--but it will be his undoing. Dun dun DUHN!!!

Night falls on Maraamu. Sarah is raving about how if she wins any amount
of money , she's gonna get a pet monkey, or some such nonsense and Rob is
panting all over her in agreement. The two snuggle all night in the raft.
Gina worries it might be an alliance. Don't fret Gina, Sarah's "girls"
don't get to vote!

At Rotu the next morning, Kathy gives the tribe--who does appear to be
mobilizing to get water--her most annoying *pay attention to me* whistle
and yells, "HEY GUYS, I FOUND THE WAY TO THE WATER!!! ME!! KATHY!! I'M
APPARENTLY THE ONLY ONE IN THIS TRIBE WHO CARES ABOUT FINDING THE WATER!
LET'S GO!!" Then she tells us, "I did NOT want to go into this being the
blond bitchy person AT ALL!" Well, Kathy, you might want to retrace your
steps... Kathy goes on, "I'm only bitchy when *I* see what needs to be done
and, as invariably seems to happen at my workplace, in my family, and in
just about every other situation I'm in EVER, people don't live up to my
expectations of them." Kathy hella bugs. The gang finds their water hole,
and it's a paradise! Waterfall, swimming pond and lots of edible
taro--which is kind of like a tropical potato. Party at the Rotu pool!!
But the fun won't last long--Kathy MUST see to that. "When we get back to
camp, I'm gonna start that fire. Maybe our survival doesn't matter to
everyone else, and, you know, that's fine. I'm used to being alone. I'm
gonna get that fire going if it kills me--then we'll see how badly they
feel for abandoning me!!" Thanksgiving at Kathy's house must be a blast!

At Maraamu, Everyone eats grapefruit--scurvy averted! But Rob isn't
thrilled and enlists Peter (who's always glad to be included in anyone's
anything) to help him hunt a rooster he's heard clucking around. CBS
inserts some definitely-NOT-Tahitian banjo music that they feel is
appropriate for when city-folk chase a chicken around a tree. I mean,
let's face it, Tom Buchanan catches that rooster am I right? But not poor
Rob, who confesses, "I had NO idea that roosters could fly!" Ah, Rob--who
from this point on I will refer to as Chachi--he may not get the drumstick,
but his world has just gotten a *little bigger.* Yes, roosters--like many
birds, you might be surprised to learn--can fly.

Hunter is not happy with Chachi's behavior, and calls him over for a little
man-to-man about *responsibility* and *priorities.* Some of that Brady
Bunch background music I mentioned earlier would be very appropriate here.
Hunter tells us, "Sometimes, Rob gets preoccupied with things, like shiny
objects, roosters, and Sarah's grotesque breasts, that aren't really
relevant to the task at hand." Which is Hunterese for, 'Yeah, Rob is a
dumb-ass." Hunter tells Ron, "Hey, champ, let's boil some drinking water
so that we don't dehydrate, ok? Sound good? Then we can build the
shelter, ok sport? Then, after that, we can chase roosters and you and I
can throw the football around, okay buddy?" Chachi seems genuinely
chagrined at letting down Hunter and the rest of the tribe and goes off to
gather rocks for the fire. He realizes he's gotta go along to get along in
this game--a smart decision.

Conversely, Kathy is busy at work, painting a big target on herself. "I'm
not trying to be pushy here, but we need to build a fire RIGHT NOW, and I'm
sick of all of you complaining about how tired you are! I mean, if I have
to do *everything* myself, fine, it's nothing new for me, but I'd
appreciate some consideration here!" She and Nurse John butt heads, and
Lobster Lady Zoe places a hand on Kathy's shoulder to calm her down, but
she doesn't take the hint. Judge Paschal (as played by former President
Jimmy Carter) walks off in disgust, which seemed odd to me. I mean, you're
a judge, Pashy, can't you jump in with some conflict-management skills?
Kathy bursts into tears and stalks off into the bushes to cry to the
camera, "I don't have any support here!! It's me against everyone else AS
USUAL!!" John blames his outburst at Kathy on his "Irish temper," though I
think it was more likely his humanity. They start the fire without Kathy,
who must be irritated when she returns to camp--after all, fire *was* her
idea. Zoe says to her, "You knew if you left us kids alone for a few
minutes, we could do something right!" Uh, was that support or
passive-aggression? I couldn't tell. Everyone bonds over boiled water
(This tribe has a weird support-group vibe) but you know, unless...I dunno,
Gabriel (who I just don't like, and I don't know why) tries to stab someone
to death in their
sleep, Kathy's at the front of the line to get kicked out.

Maraamu hikes to their water spring. They have no waterfall, no swimming
pool. Just a bubbly spring. They've been rooked and they don't even know
it! Did they lose a coin toss? One group gets the waterfall, the other
gets Hunter? Back at camp, Peter--witchy eyes dancing-- tells us that he's
a workaholic. He goes over to relax--or as the Negroes say "chill"-- in
the raft with Sean. Peter has apparently never heard the word "chillin"
used in this context before, and wants Sean to teach him more "Harlem
words." Peter, any slang term you can hear on "Dawson's Creek" has stopped
being an exclusively "black" word for at least five years.

Anyway, Peter tells us, "Sean reminded me how good it feels to just be
yourself!" Which might make Sean a master of manipulation, because, as the
tribe gathers around, Peter reveals *waaaaaaaaay* to much about himself, as
he boasts about how he is the master of all his holes. Yeah. He is the
master of his breathing, sure and his speaking, yes, but also of his poo
poo and his pee pee, he assures the rest, saying, "I know
most people don't want to talk about it but..." But WHAT Peter??? Chachi
tells us, "He *looks* like a regular guy, but he's a froot loop." Word.
Uh, Peter that means "True." There's something so endearing about the
guilty way Rob smiles when he says this, like he's getting away with
something. I feel very protective of Rob. You know that he was always
being suckered into bad deals as a kid, and his older brothers had to pound
the other kids, "You know Robby ain't right, now give him back his bike!"
And Peter, ya might want to work on that large hole on his face--it's not
quite as mastered as you claim, so shut it.

Rotu all goes to get mail together--no one trusts anyone to go off alone
with anyone else, OR I suppose, they could all *like* being with one
another* (yeah,
RIGHT). Haiku was last year, this year, it's back to limericks for me:

The first is a challenge of fire
Paddle fast and you'd better not tire
If you are the best
Then you'll get to rest
If you lose, well then things may get dire

At the first challenge, Jeff tells the teams that they will not receive any
fire help EVER. There are no matches to be won down the road. SO the
teams get in these outrigger canoes, light a heavy torch, light some other
flames, run with the canoe across a rocky beach--it's pretty brutal, and
Rotu wins. Kathy is spared.

Maraamu has to decide who to vote for and Peter says that his goal is to
help the tribe stay strong, which Patricia takes as a slam on her, "I may
be weak and old and fat but dammit, I can endure!" It's not exactly Winston
Churchill, but it seems to be effective. Peter helps her cause by being
*himself* a little more, raving about what he's about and truth and
whatnot, which rubs gina and Sarah the wrong way. Gina eventually tells
Peter that she knows who she's gonna vote for and nothing can change her
mind so no one better try to form an alliance with her tonight. Later,
Chachi goes for a swim with Sarah and the cha-chas. Sean wonders, "Besides
those two floatation devices of hers, what's Sarah got to offer 'cept
looking cute?" Imagine how little she has to offer those of us who
*aren't* attracted to women, Sean. So, I'm in Sean's camp here, until he
adds, "Not to be a chauvinist, but men are better then women." Don't you
be dissin' the ladies, Sean! Oh, Peter, that means "disrespecting women."

Tribal Council. Everyone lights their torches at the council, and they
won't get to bring the torches back to camp. Jeff sounded kinda bored
when he said, "We do this, blah blah blah, fire represents life, budda
bing, okay let's vote! Oh, yeah, the interview." He asks Gina if she;s
proud that they got all their own food, water and shelter. She boasts,
"Yeah, unlike all those other wussy Survivor casts, we didn't get any rice
or corn meal or bean cans. We rule!" Vecepia tells Jeff she's grateful
for the leadership role that Hunter has taken. I don't know what the game
has ahead of us, but right now, Gina Hunter and Vecepia seem to be the
power base. When Jeff asks Peter how the game is going for him, Peter
shrugs, "Well, I never really felt comfortable with these people, to be
honest. If anyone was thinking about voting for anyone else but me, you
might want to change you're vote 'cause I give up!" He must have known he
was getting the boot--I don't know why else you'd be so negative. then
Jeff asks Sarah, "Sarah, how're they hanging? Er, that is to say, How's IT
hanging, as in...how the HECK are ya?" "Well Jeff, I may not be very
bright or very hard working or remotely knowledgeable about anything, but I
try to jump in and help wherever I can. In fact, I find it benefits me to
jump around as much as possible!"

Onto the vote. Peter casts the only vote for Patricia. Vecepia and Sean
both vote for Sarah, everyone else votes for Peter. In a STUNNING--for
those of us who don't rely on Internet spoilers, apparently >:( --turn
against precedent, the first person voted out of Survivor: Marquesas is a
guy! And it's a freaky weirdo so no one's sad! Yay! Jeff tells the rest
"Go back and build your world," which is pretty deep, Probst. Next week,
gotta be Kathy if Rotu loses. They seem to hint at Tricia's becoming
Maraamu's answer to Kathy but I think Sarah is still the least useful.
We'll see! Peace--and remember, I love ya'll like play cousins--whatever
the hell that means! :D Christine