Survivor 4.2 "Way to go, Kath!"

Krazy Kathy has got to be one of my favorite Survivor characters EVER! I'd hate to work with her, or be related to her, but man does she make for some great television! :D

We begin episode 2 with a Rotu backrub lovefest (cue Sister Sledge's "We Are Family"). Everyone loves everyone. Gabriel coos, "I love everyone's spirit, man, everyone has this groovy positive energy..."

EXCEPT for Krazy Kath, who stands alone. She won't even sleep under the pseudo-shelter with the others, she sleeps alone by her precious fire. In the morning, she stalks off alone to look for food. Gabriel and Tammy complain about her isolationist ways and Tammy comments, "I thought it was sort of an unwritten rule on "Survivor" to be...remotely tolerable, at least for the first week." Kathy's take is of course, completely different, "What nobody, except for ME, seems to realize hear is *angry laugh* we have no food. So, as usual, it falls to me to do all everything by myself. I'll find some food, believe you me, and then they will all fall at my feet and listen to me when I tell them our shelter stinks! Oh, they'll listen to Kath THIS time. One day, the WHOLE STINKIN' WORLD WILL LISTEN!!!

Back at camp, everyone's making weapons to snare pigs and chickens and whatnot. Big Robert is wasting away and need protein pronto. Nurse John seems to be auditioning for the "most annoying once Kathy leaves" slot, as he boasts, "Well, one of my more *creative* inventions is this shrimp catcher, and then there's this pig snare that is just *genius*. If I catch a pig--set my place at the final four!" First of all, his shrimp catcher is...a sack in the water. I'm not saying it's not effective but it's hardly genius. And catching a pig seemed to curse Mad Mike. I'd work on appearing less arrogant John, if I were you.

Meanwhile, Maraamu is bonding over the ritual of their imaginary daily morning radio show--have they been eating some suspicious shrooms? Hunter does the weather report, Rob does the food report, and Sean sings. Then everyone sings and dances as Sean leads them on, "Ain't to Proud to Beg." I thought this sort of contrived Motown bonding only happened in the movies!

After play time, its work time, and Patricia assures us this ain't no KOA, there's work to be done. Hunter tells us that Patricia, or "mama," as she's known, is a real contributor. Gina thinks that Patricia was nervous about being voted out first, but now she's "come out of her shell." Based on what coming out of one's shell did for Peter, this does not bode well for Mama. This show is sort of sending a bad message to the kids: "Being yourself is bad!" Patricia asks Hunter to put some sunscreen on her, and who'd blame her? Hunter is like, a boyfriend a single gal might invent: "Am I seeing anyone? Er...why, yes! He's...a pilot! In fact, he used to be Top Gun in the Navy! He's gorgeous, and funny and polite, and he has this incredible smile and a great body and he's athletic and he knows absolutely everything about everything--He's like McGyver! His name? Hunter." According to his bio: Marital status: single, Resides: La Jolla, California. Age: 33...uhm..he sounds...available and perfect and geographically close. I feel like a Survivor Ho for ditching Ethan but he's on the East Coast. I'm like Susan Sarandon in "Bull Durham", I have to pick a new stud every season.

Back at Rotu, John is stoked and boastfully calls Gabriel and Tammy over to gloat about his shrimp catcher, which has indeed caught a shrimp. As in ONE SHRIMP. It's like, the size of a walnut. Gabe and Tammy aren't impressed and chuckle, "Yeah, why don't you call us when you catch 40 more." John is miffed that they aren't bowing before him as the GREAT FOOD PROVIDER. Then he raves about how he's going to be atop "The Hierarchy" by getting food for everyone, that's the ticket.

The tranquil Marquesan air is shattered with Kathy's *PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DAMMIT!!" Whistle. *shudder* and her hollering, "COME SEE WHAT I'M FINDING!! AHHH HAAAA!!! COME BEHOLD THE POWER OF KATH!!" And everyone back on shore the shore glances out to the reef where Kathy is and looks at one another like, "Can we just sit here and starve together in peace?" But, everyone runs out to see that Kathy has found edible sea crap living under rocks. Zoe seems appreciative, but I can't tell if it's of Kathy or the seafood, her being the Lobster Lady and all. So, Kathy can't quit while she's way behind. Having reached the hot magma core of the Earth, she decide to dig even deeper, saying, "Okay, I found this, so let me just explain how to properly turn over a rock, so you do it right and done of the creatures get away--there are only thousands of them, after all. I've been out here for half an hour so I'm an EXPERT." *Everyone exchanges annoyed glares* John frets that Kathy has stolen his shot at being atop "The Hierarchy." John...maybe you should build a clue snare while you're at it: Catching Food is Not Helping Kathy and It won't Help You if you remain this Insufferable. Plus, give Kathy *some* credit, for having the sense to look for food that can't run away. I know it's not as *cool* as catching something with one of your hand-made traps but get over yourself already.

Back at camp, Nelah, the sweet little Mormon girl from Utah gleefully mashes the creatures with rocks and separates the edible goop from the non-edible goop. Reason #34 why I could never be on Survivor. This stuff is Sooooooooooo gross, and they're all slurping it up, uncooked! Bleh >:p

Kathy is stunned that no one gives her props, "I thought I'd get a point, but not once did anyone give me a pat on the back and say, "Way to go, Kath. Thanks Kath. We owe you are lives Kath." So, she fishes even harder for praise with the almost unbelievable, "Good thing those rocks got turned over, guys." *Everyone exchanges angry glares* But she DOESN'T Stop there!! She continues, "I gotta tell you, you know what you do? Think outside the box." *Everyone imagines Kathy stumbling into the pig snare* Kathy goes on, "A pat on the back? Not one from these ungrateful louts. Sure, Kath single-handedly saves them all from starving to death, but as usual, I don't have any support. I'm not THAT hard to get along with, I don't know why people have been saying that my whole life." You know who's having some really fun Survivor parties this season? Kathy's ex-husband.

Back at Maraamu, Patricia has indeed come too far out of her shell, and has become way bossy. "Here's the plan, everyone. You all get some coconuts, Rob, fetch Gina a stick. Go on, boy, fetch!" Hunter admits she can be a nag, "But she's just being Mom--she's not have as bad as my drill instructors, I can tell you that much." Sean is less charitable, "I don't like when women talk, just in general. But when they start ordering me around? For get it!" Patricia is particularly hard on the thick-skulled Rob, talking to him like he's a child, "Rob? Are you listening? Pay attention, the tools go here. Are you hearing me? Rob?" Rob takes it relatively well (people probably talk to him like this A LOT).

Vecepia thinks Patricia isn't as bossy as she's pretending. She thinks it's all part of her "I'm the mama hen" persona, which Vecepia finds tiresome. But she stokes the fires of resentment in Sean, eliciting his agreement when she complains, "None of us are children here!" Then the conversation takes a bizarre turn into a racial one--wait, is this "The Real World"? As a white person, I probably don't have the right to comment on this conversation--oh wait, it's America. Never mind. Sean says to Vecepia, "The other five are all different, sure, but the commonality that bonds them together is THAT." Meaning, I guess, that they're all white, which makes them naturally aligned I GUESS. But what's lame about Sean's argument is he's just gotten done explaining to us that he and Vecepia share a cultural bond. Black people don't even have to finish each other's sentences, he declares. So he's saying THEY'RE the ones that are naturally aligned. Vecepia calls him AND I QUOTE "Malcolm Farrakhan" and "a militant kind of brother." Sean tells Vecepia that the two black people sitting on the beach might be construed as strategizing. Sean, Gina thought Sarah and Rob might be "strategizing" when they were snuggling in the raft! Two people of any race, creed or color are assumed by the others to be strategizing by all the other paranoid members of the tribe, that's the nature of the game. Then he tells us, that he and Vecepia have and unspoken bond, as people of color and as Christians, that is unfair to the others. So...they'd be correct in thinking you're strategizing?? I'm confused, Sean. Then Vecepia, apparently assuming this conversation is going to air, says, "I can just tell what people are going to say." And Sean predicts that we, the viewers, will be thinking, "Those two ungrateful Negroes, put them out on an island and they're still complaining." Well Sean, how wrong you are. Because what struck me was, you did most of the talking and Vecepia did a lot of listening. And you might want to get Vecepia to give voice to that little "unspoken" bond you have, because I think she's playing you. More on that later...

I feel the need to say that mine is an equal-opportunity column, in which every Survivor is open to harsh and over-the-top criticism, but if I ever *actually* offend someone, it's unintentional.

So...later that day, everyone at Maraamu is working really hard, except for Sean, who's sitting on beach...praying? I guess? Hunter tries to get him to pull his own weight, asking him to get the water jugs filled (Hunter even manipulates him, "I'm kinda beat, would you do this as a great favor to me?") Sean says sure and EVENTUALLY goes to get water. He explains to us, "Unlike everyone else, I'm not trying to impress Hunter by working hard, so I'm not gonna work at all unless someone asks me--then sure, I'll do it, but not to kiss Hunter's ass, okay??" Does this make *any sense* at all to anyone? If Sean really wants to look like a leader in his own right, he should be doing something useful on his own initiative. Not doing anything makes him look like a big baby. And as a fellow Christian, I must ask, "What would Jesus Do?" Sit on his butt whittling and staring off into the sea like a self-important idiot? No, Sean, He'd be working alongside his tribesman, sharing their burden, easing their load. Sean, you might say you're representin' but you're only frontin'.

Rob and Sarah are nowhere to be found, and Hunter and Vecepia know that means they're out frolicking. Sarah explains, "Rob and I have the most in common: We're both pretty, we're both hella dumb, and we both love my huge breasts. Plus, we're like, the two youngest people in the tribe." Okay, this is actually true, Sarah is 24 and Chachi is 26. But Gina is 28 and Sean is 30--hardly a generation gap, Sarah. Hunter thinks Rob might become a more productive member of the tribe if Sarah is gone--ya think? But Rob has a big plan with Sarah--she's his secret weapon. He explains, "Saruh's real dumb. I picked huh cuz she's evun dummuh den me, so I ken tell uh what tuh do, plus she has huuuuuge knockuh's, you know whut I'm sayn?" Stupid people make me sad.

Back at Rotu, John realizes that the pig snare DID lure a pig, but didn't catch it. He's clearly fretting a bout "The Hierarchy," and I feel a glimmer of annoyance and impatience with John's continued idiocy about this food topic, when the air is pierced Once Again but Kathy's excruciating whistle. If Kathy ever tried that on me, I'd have to quote my favorite movie of all time and say, "Kathy, I could never answer to a whistle. Whistles are for dogs and cats and other animals but not for children and definitely not for me. It would be too humiliating." (Let's give it up for"The Sound of Music" shall we?) So, anyway, Kathy announces, in a voice that no written review can do do justice [Seriously, If you missed this episode, track someone down who has it on tape because it's just so deliciously awful, her tone] that she's calling a *little meeting* to introduce her bag of goodies. She holds up a bag of what's surely more edible ocean crap and declares that if everyone behaves themselves and listens to her, she'll let them have the sack of treats! Everyone else looks positively horrified as she says, "This is what I want from you guys (no, REALLY, that's how she starts) I seem to be really really good at finding all this food--I think it's because I grew up around the ocean. So, that can be my job, getting you all food. But the rest of you need to do as I say about the fire and the shelter. Hate to break it to you losers, but our shelter is woefully inadequate--I had no place to sleep!" Paschal interjects, gently reminding her that he offered to move over and the offer still stands--she can have all the space she needs. Kathy laughs darkly at his insolence and spits, "All I want is a roof over my head. And I want to feed you because I want to win," and then she dumps out her bag full of edible icky things that she's found and someone says (one of the girls, not sure who), "Great job, Kath," thank goodness, or heads would have rolled! But Gabriel isn't having it, "look, Kath, maybe no one should be the sole food gatherer. We're like, a community and you keep going off by yourself." And she counters by picking up one of her shell things and dropping it for emphasis on the pile of edible crap, "I've been getting you food!" Kathy gets weepy then, and whimpers, "You guys are ALL OVER ME, and all I've asked for is your obedience in exchange for the food that only I can provide!" Completely ignoring the fact that she set herself up for this by calling the meeting in the first place. "I just want a roof over my head," she hisses again. Then she tells us, "I was surprised at how hard they bit back," Firstly, behind all her teary-eyed sense of entitlement is someone who is so very used to eliciting this type of response--this is all part of her internal script: "I do everything, no one ever appreciates it, poor Kath. The End." Second, Gabriel's touchy-feely "all I really want to do....is baby be friends with you" hippie speech and the stony silence of everyone else is hardly the worst Kathy could have got after being so high-handed. You got off easy, Kath. So Kath puts her edible gross stuff back in the bag and Gabriel says, if all you really want is a roof, and not our slavish devotion to you, then we'll do it, we'll build a better shelter. Tammy confides to us, "I felt bad. I mean, Kathy is annoying, but she was almost crying. Are part here isn't to make any one feel bad or hurt anyone's feelings." Speak for yourself, Tammi, that was some damn fine enjoyable television--but kudos on being the bigger person!

Everyone joins together to make a better shelter, and Paschal's luxury item, an American Flag, is hung with pride. Kathy thanks Gabriel for doing what he was told and Gabrile assures, "Don't flatter yourself, we did it for everybody." "I am at peace now," Kathy claims, but we know, she and those around her will only find peace in death. Speaking of which, even if the large, but sickly Robert was to actually drop dead, Rotu would choose to keep his stinking, rotting corpse in camp in order to be rid of Kathy.

Mail call: Reward challenge Limerick (ahem)

There once were two boats filled with rocks
And Survivors that jumped off some docks
They dove and they dove
Until the boats rose
And Rotu cleaned the other team's clocks!

Now, in narrative form. The reward is some flippers and goggles--really, that's it. Last year's sponsor Target has been replaced with "Your local neighborhood garage sale." The tribes hang onto this innertube and dive to get these rocks out of a boat. When the boat rises to the surface, they pilot the boat onto shore (a very clever and challenging challenge, Survivor writers!). John lies about how many he's able to remove at once, Sean whiffs altogether, Hunter is magnificent but his tribe comes up short, Rotu wins the prize.

Back at Maraamu, there's a storm coming in and the tribe, with no emotional blackmail whatsoever, decides to make a better shelter. Sarah is complaining that shelter was her idea, and Hunter is like, totally making it seem like his idea? Gina says that Sarah is all talk and no action--hey, that's not what Chachi says! Sarah is miffed, for some reason...no one takes her seriously *boinga boinga boinga*
Sarah bitches and moans the entire time they're building the shelter and Patricia and Gina exchange angry glares when Sarah criticizes The Beloved Hunter. Already in week 2, this season eclipses all previous years in "shared looks of annoyance at other cast members behavior." I love it. Sarah would have fit in great with Lindsey and Silas. Sarah wants to just layer the roof with big palm fronds, instead of using woven pieces. "Is no one in aggreance with this??" she finally huffs. Ah, the made up word: sweet nectar of reality television. She storms off to do whatever the hel she wants, Hunter be damned! Gina throws a stick at the ground in disgust.

Immunity Reward Limerick:

Every season there's one thing the same:
A particularly hideous game
Everybody must eat
Something no one SHOULD eat
It's cruel but it's earned us our fame

Everyone gathers to eat this rotting fish meat that's been standing in a crab-gut sea water marinade. Jeff assures us, "It's a delicacy." True to her Lobster Lady persona, Zoe gives the vile pile a four star rating. Gina and Tammi, the two "not-yet-defined-sensible-brunettes" square off against one another--proving they aren't the same person! Hunter goes twice and takes it like a man, no one is unable to do it, so each team picks the weakest link (lower case, no copyright infringement) to eat a vile pile in a race. Nelah and Chachi had the most trouble but Nelah aces Chachi and Kathy wins immunity for a second straight time.

Back at Maraamu, Chachi is sulking. Sean tells Vecepia, "Either Sarah or I is going next." Now, as paranoid as Sean seems to be, I don't understand why he says this. He doesn't even back it up, he says that Hunter is out to get the useless Sarah and there's no indication that Sean is next on anyone's hit list. At any rate, Vecepia tells us, "Sarah knows she's a liability in this game. She's going along for the ride and we'll carry her as long as we can." We? WE?! Presumably, she means Sean and Rob and herself? Or just Sean and her? Is Vecepia aligning herself with the dumb people?

Hunter tells Chachi that protecting Sarah is bad strategy, but Chachi tells us, 'If I looz Sarah, den I have tuh eiduh join wit Huntuh, an work hahd, oh I join Sean and do whet he says. At least wit Sarah, I'm duh leaduh." Rob and Sean talk, and Rob thinks they shouldn't have ousted Peter first. Sean blames Chachi for helping to encourage Mama become so talkative. The men don't pledge their allegiance or anything, but it seems very clear they're both voting for Patricia.

Tribal Council. Jeff asks Patricia how the unofficial Mom of the group feels about how they're doing as a tribe, and she says they're not 100%--but doesn't name names. Rob says that sometimes Mama's a pain in the butt, sometimes she's nice to have around. Sarah disagrees strongly, "Patricia's never nice to have around, okay? I already have, like a real mother? And I don't like her either! I'm 24, okay? No one tells me what to do, Patricia's not the boss of me, but I can totally handle it and bite my tongue about the situations...except for like, right now, when I'm totally going OFF!" Gina looks very annoyed at Sarah, and at Sean when he tells Jeff about how tired he is from working so hard. When Jeff asks Sarah how hard she's working she raves, "Look, I worked 16 hour days back home and I didn't come out here to do that. I came out here to meet, like, totally cool people and have this totally cool adventure and expose myself on national TV so that Playboy will pay me a million dollars even if CBS doesn't. My worst nightmare would be if I sucked during a competition just because I was tired form getting food or weaving palm leaves or like surviving, okay?"

This doesn't sit to well with Gina, who says, "I don't want to suck during a challenge because I've been doing some booby's--I mean somebody's work for them." Hunter gives a little pep talk, saying the Maraamu losing streak will end soon. Chachi plays failure the best way you can on Survivor, he apologizes for blowing the food challenge and humbly says he knows he might be next. It's ridiculous, but he says it. Hunter Sarah and Patricia vote for Sarah, The rest vote for Patricia and she's out 4-3. I don't know if I want to live in universe where Sarah's arrogant, assinine proclamations of laziness don't get her voted out, but it proves that she's part of several people's plans. Jeff dismisses the group, saying "I've heard a lot!" I think he's a little disappointed in the group right now. Patricia joins the cantakerous BB, who told his tribe to oust him, the wrongly accused but still really weird Kel, and beautiful but rapidly dehydrating Jessie as the second person voted out.

Next vote, I would think Vecepia joins with Hunter And Gina to oust Sarah--or at least force a tie...but with whom? Seems like if Sean is actually committed to keeping Sarah--and I'm not sold on that at this point, they'd have to go after Gina, which would be stupid, but, after all, it is a stupid people alliance. I think Vecepia is playing both sides, and will oust Sarah next vote, keeping herself as a powerful swing vote between groups. Remember, the votes aren't cumulative, so these votes don't hurt Sarah at all. Of course, what's key for Maraamu is 1) they have to win next week so they don't lose anyone else and 2) they have to come together to avoid being easy pickings should any sort of a tribe reconfiguration is sprung on them. Right now, the Rotu "Love tribe," as CBS is dubbing them, are pretty united.

It should be noted that losing two immunity's in a row has happened before and isn't necessarily anything to worry about. Ethan, Old Kim, Lex and Tom all came from the tribe last year that lost the first two immunity challenges (Diane and Jessie). In the previous year, Tina, Colby and Keith all came from the tribe that lost THREE in a row (Kel, Mad Dog and Mitch). It's still very early in the game, and too early to count anyone out--though who'd imagine that Hunter would look vulnerable at this point? Yet the dumb people alliance looms. Here's hoping Vecepia is as clever as I think she is.

Next week, the show moves to Wednesday--don't forget!! Peace, Christine :D