Survivor 14.5 "Love many, trust few, do wrong to none."

SURVIVOR IS ON TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21, due to basketball

REALITY ROUNDUP

Chachi and Amber go from first to worst on The Amazing Race! It would have been funny had they not been bested in the end by Charla and Mirna. Amber's "lie" was pretty standard operational procedure for the Amazing Race--doesn't everyone pretend they don't know about the better flight, pretend they already got the clue, etc. etc. Anyone else think Rob and Amber threw the thing to go home? I mean, I just don't get it. And they seemed so okay with it, after being so gung-ho and "We've got something to prove!" in the beginning. Something doesn't smell right...except, I dunno, maybe Rob and Amber DON'T know how to spell, which was their undoing at that sign challenge. To make matters HORRIBLE, Charla and Mirna then went on to win the next leg of the race, and we had to listen to them lecture us about how NO ONE THOUGHT THEY COULD DO IT. OY! My beloved Chad got the boot on "Grease," The Horror! I voted the heck out of Austin last week, hoping Derek would leave--and he did! THen we had to listen to all the contestants lobby America with their sob stories. Kudos to Laura for merely being a little bummed she had to postpone her wedding, and not reaching into her childhood to tell us she had scoliosis or an overbite in 7th grade or whatever. I voted for Laura--she is so superior to Ashley, it's not even funny. I am pulling for Max, I think he's more natural of an actor, but Austin could pull it off--he's over the top on TV, but it wouldn't play that way on stage, right? Loved American Idol the last two weeks! I could not get over how sane and credible and lovely Diana Ross was! She looked amazing (in part BECAUSE she had some weight on her) and her advice to the kids was so sincere and accurate--almost everyone who didn't do so great would have benefited from listening to her. This week, the British Invasion show, was another winner, though I was bummed at the lack of Petula Clark. Though Melinda remains my fave, Jordin is turning in some amazing performances. I'm glad Blake went back to really singing with the Zombies song, it was very sexy. And, I hate to say it but I thought Sanjaya did a (gulp) pretty good job. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was cheesy and lame, but it was also very Donny Osmond/Leif Garrett/ Tony DeFranco. He really had fun with it, and those 10-year-olds in the audience seemed pretty smitten. I think Phil will go home tomorrow--he's just not connecting. Oh, and the guy in the VERIZON commercial that I thought might be crazy Jamie from Guatemala is actually crazy Silas from Africa...now, onto Survivor.

IDOL HANDS

At Ravu, Yau-man and Earl, the tribe's surviving Exile's, commiserate on how freakin' hard it will be to unearth the Immunity Idol, which they both know is buried right under them, at the entrance to the cave. Earl hatches a plan to get the rest of the tribe out of camp on a food hunt in order to allow Yau-man to dig for it. The next morning, the starving tribe goes off to look for clams and fruit and whatnot. Of course, no one finds any food, and Yau-man's quest is equally fruitless--he doesn't know how deep the Idol is buried, he complains, but did anyone else think he was a little unsure of where to dig? Sylvia seemed to have a more precise idea of the X marks the spot place. At any rate, the rusty machete doesn't make much of a shovel, either. Meanwhile, while on Earl's snipe hunt, Earl and Anthony climb a hill and take in a breathtaking view of Fiji. As Anthony puts it, the two men take a break from the game and "let themselves be astounded." Aww, how cute, they haven't lost their will to live...

Then we have to here the "Ain't no party like a Moto party cuz a Moto party don't stop" music for the three thousandth time this season--because life's just one big awesome nap for the fat and happy Winners of Everything. As they prepare for the Reward Challenge, by picking out of a catalog, Boo shrugs, "We have so much luxury, it don't matter what we pick." I hate Boo. At Ravu, the tribe bickers over what two prizes they should choose. Earl insists they take two need items, whereas Rocky wants them to pick one need item, and one frivilous item. Earl insists they need to get the fishing gear so they can feed themselves and Rocky whines, "But I'm hungry!" earl gives him a classic, "No Duh," look and nods, "Yeah, Einstein, that's what the fishing gear is for. You know, give a man a fish...awwww, forget it." Earl says to us, "We're not on Fantasy Island. They're living in a mansion like "Fresh Prince of Bel Air," we're living like "Good Times." Man, Earl, that was a whole lot o' pop culture in one sentence, but I hear ya.

GOOD TIMES THEME (Ravu version)

"Good Times! Knowing where the Idol's hidden! Good Times, Or when the other team forfeits! Good Times! Any time you find bananas, not getting bug bit, keepin' your torch lit! Not dying of de-hy-dra-tion! Not punching Jeff in the face! Making fire with glasses--Good Times! Ignoring when Boo sasses--Good Tiiiiiiimes. Ain't we lucky we got 'em. Good Tiiiiiiiiimes! Ayyyyeyeeeeooooooo, yeah!"

REWARD CHALLENGE

So, it's the one-on-one gladiator "knock the person off the platform into the mud," challenge. Boo struts in eating a mango, because he's an ass. When Rocky gets in his face about it, the Motoes all laugh at him, "Oh, that Rocky. He was hard enough to understand when he DIDN'T have scurvy." Moto has chosen coffee grounds and a press and something else you could probably find in a Williams-Sonoma catalog. I can't tell you what it is because I can't read my handwriting. THen they scoff as it's revealed that Ravu wants a sack of potatoes and fishing gear. THe winner of the challenge gets all FOUR items, so Moto is all, "Fishing gear? That is SO Day Two." ANd of course, we all want for Ravu to win, so they can gnaw their potatoes like starving racoons, but they're all wasted away, and are easily beat by the stronger, HEAVIER tribe. Earl is sent to Exile, again. The only win Ravu gets is when Yau-man beats Stacy, and he still has the decency to feel bad about beating a girl in a fight. I wish I could have watched Stacy get her ass kicked AFTER she was an unimaginable bitch to Dreamz--I woulda enjoyed it more. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, read on...

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

More insufferable Moto partay-ing, and people saying stupid stuff like, "I love coffee!" "I love soap more!" "Coffee!" "Soap!" SOAP! That's what their other thing was, some toiletries. And they also get the potatoes and the fishing stuff that Ravu needed. To Live. Despite all the reasons to celebrate, or maybe because of them, Lisi and Stacy decide to act like mean, popular thirteen-year-olds, and give Dreamz the cold shoulder when he tries to, you know, TALK TO THEM. TO hear Stacy explain it, "We're gonna pick them off one by one anyway, so why bother being even remotely polite to the losers that aren't in Cosa Nostra? Hellooooo? We're in total control of this game!" And you know what? At least every other bleep hole that ever played this game (Hatch, Jerri, The Friendship Necklace Alliance of Africa, Johnny Pots and Pans, Porn Star Brian and Clay, Freakin' Heidi, Burton and Lill, Ami, Shane and Courtney and probably many others (let's face it, the majority of Survivor: Thailand) had to at least SUFFER. They were hungry and dirty and stuff. Stacy and Lisi aren't even playing the game, and they think they've won it already. Stacy even goes so far as to shrug, "This is Survivor," to justify being cold and cruel (she refers to Dreamz as a "child" in his presence, as though he wasn't there). Bitch, you do NOT even know what Survivor is so shut the front door. So, since no one will help him make it properly, Dreamz tries to make himself a cup of coffee by just sprinkling in some of the grounds into some water, and of course, it doesn't work. As someone who once tried to make Kool-Aid with powdered sugar (on a high school camping trip), I feel his pain. And just when I had written off Alex as just another smug dumb bastard in a tribe full of 'em, Handsome Alex reveals that not only does he have a heart (drum roll............) He watches and understands Survivor. "It nauseates me to see anyone treated that way," he reveals. "This game is all about instant karma [author's note--how many times have I used that very phrase!?]. To treat someone like that---how can they not see it could screw them later on." THANK YOU. But back at Camp Clueless, Stacy is still OFFENDED at Dreamz' failure, "How can ANYONE not know how to make coffee using a press!? God, what are you, like, some kind of homeless person or something!?" Then she explains to ALEX, still not deigning to speak to Dreamz, exactly how to use the press, in a tone that somehow manages to make such knowledge sound both painfully obvious and vitally important. Then Cassandra has the gall to wrinkle her nose at the coffee that Stacy made and complain about the grounds that are floating on top. Stacy shoots her the evil-eye but opts to not speak to her either. And again, the fact that the two black people on the tribe are on the outs? TOTAL COINCIDENCE.

THIS AND THAT

On Exile Island, Earl gets the 5th clue, which reads, "Dude, SERIOUSLY, it's exactly where we told you it was in the other three clues. We thought you'd find it by now, we don't know what else to say." Back at Ravu, a bored Anthony clumsily tries to bond with an equally annoyed Rocky over the inane make-up and fashion chatter of Rita and Michelle. Says Anthony "I can almost feel the brain matter seeping out of my auditory canal as I'm forced to listen to such banal conversation." Rocky concurs, "Ah'd hit 'em wit a pineapple but only, we don't got none." In the background, Rita drones on, "People assume because I'm a beauty queen and a spokesmodel, I must be high maintainence, but I'm surprisingly LOW maintenance. I just put on some lip gloss and I'm good to go!" Who knew prophetic words could be so silly...

REALITY REALITY CHECK

So, ALex is really worried about how the rest of Cosa Nostra is behaving. He's done the Survivor math and realizes that if Dreamz and Cassandra were to flip after the merge, they could wind up with the advantage. Even if they were to win out, and Merge at 7-3, it could wind up being 5-5. So, he goes off to inform his alliance of this, and in a Montage of Morons, we see just how truly lame his compadres ARE. Lisi is so dumb that when Alex tells her of his concerns, she mistakes it for good news and says, "Cool," in a "I don't really like to listen to people who aren't me talk, but I know I'm supposed to" way. Then he goes to Stacy and when she hears his fears, she sticks her fingers in her ears and insists, "NO! I can't listen to this! THey are NOT cool enough to hang out with us and we don't have to work with them AT ALL! AAAAAAHHHH. I'm going to make more coffee, 'kay?" And of course, what do you expect form a grown man who prefers to be called Boo? "But...we want them all gone, right?" The vibe is very "Of Mice and Men," between the two. Finally, ALex goes to Edgardo, who totally gets what Alex is saying and is sick of the girls and their power trips. Alex calls a meeting to suck up to Cassandra and Dreamz, who both smile and nod as he and the others try to sell them on the "We're all a team!" lie. Stacy is especially patronizing and insincere, "So we're totally solid, right? Right," and enamored enough with herself to believe that the outsiders are just so honored to be asked to be used and then thrown away by such an attractive person as herself that they won't see what's really going on. But they do :) Dreamz tells us very matter-of-factly, "As soon we Merge, me and Cassandra are switching to the other side." He delights in the prospect of revealing HIS strategy to Cosa Nostra, when the time comes. Heh. Me too. Karma's a bizzle, y'all!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE...GUESS WHO WINS :(

Earl returns. The game is a giant game of "Concentration," where numbers and symbols are flipped over, and you try to get a match and you have to try and remember where everything is. Seems to me this should be easier than teams make it, like since it's a team competition, you could divide up the "board" and make people responsible for a certain section, right? I mean, they're allowed to confer before the individual player goes out to flip the easels. Lisi LITERALLY falls flat on her face as she goes out, and I almost hate myself for being so petty and enjoying it so very very much. Almost. The game is really close, and then Moto even loses a turn because the deal is, the players go out one at a time, and once they're out on the field, they can't get any help, and Moto forgets this detail, probably because they've been so pampered they they think they're above the law. But, in the end, the minds of Ravu have been weakened as much as their bodies and they just can't remember in the clutch. Cassandra make a rather big deal about flipping over the winning card, but I'll forgive that since she needs Immunity just as much as anyone on Ravu (Cassandra, dubbed "weak" by everyone and his mother last week, turned rather impressive performances at both Challenges this week).

DEJA RAVU

Sigh. So, Ravu has to decide...sigh...who to vote out this time. Sigh. Rocky, who failed to make the final pair, takes responsibility, but also suggests that they try not to talk all at once during the challenges, because it's confusing. If that sounds familiar, it's because it was Sylvia's "bossy" advice to the tribe days earlier. Anthony is still a major target, but in an interesting turn of events, Rocky, who seemed to loathe Anthony just the other day, lobbies others to oust Rita instead. Mookie is weary of the team's chaotic and selfish approach to all things.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Everyone is supremely disappointed at coming SO close to winning and still coming up short. Rocky's tribe mates give him a pass for bonking on the last pair, believeing that they confused him. Words confuse Rocky. Jeff asks Rita what everyone talks about around camp, and a painfully mistaken Rita chirps that her stories of lip gloss and eyeliner are keeping her team entertained, as eyes roll to her left and right. Then Yau-man busts out his bumper-sticker ready personal motto--you just KNEW Yau-man had a personal motto, right? "Love many, trust few, do wrong to none." Good luck with that last one, dude. Rita goes down 4-2, leaving Michelle as the tribe's last remaining woman. As Yau-man writes down Rita's name, he explains, in his "Indiana Jones" villain voice, "It comes down to who is the most disposable. Nothing personal." I'm trying to imagine being called disposable and not taking personal...and I CAN'T. THen Jeff tells them, "It's really good that you guys haven't lost the will to live--I mean, to win, after all the many injustices and indignaties we've heaped upon you this season because things may be getting better sooner than you THINK." And then he winks at them. Shake-up tonight, let's hope it dooms Stacy or Lisi first. Oh, and since there's only four girls left and I despise two of them, now would be as good a time as any to have that all-male final four we've never had, I'm just saying.

Rita is evicted in 14th place. In Season One, hostile lawyer Stacey sued the show, she was so upset about her ouster. My dad despised her, and once she was ousted, never felt the need to watch "Survivor" ever again. In the Outback, Tina backstabbed her pal, the ever-crooning Mad Dog. Ya gotta break some eggs to make a cake, Tina would tell you. In Africa, Carl the Dentist was booted by the lazy 20-somethings, who felt judged because he had, like, a car and a career and stuff. Ironically, next season's 14th place finisher was a lazy, 20-something dentist named Jed, one of Thailand's many, many forgettable faces. In the Amazon, Daniel's lack of balance--and ambition, got him the heave-ho from the man-tribe and in the Pearl Islands, female Boy Scout Lill was mercifully sent packing but CBS would cruelly, and stupidly bring her back and ALMOST give the whiny martyr the frickin' Million dollars and the title of Sole Survivor. Gah! Worst decision by the producers in Survivor history--until this have and have-not mess, anyway. In Vanuatu, Brady, the hunky FBI Agent went on the show without permission, and after his eviction, was given a basement office and put in charge of the "X-Files." Or something. In Palau, Willard the lawyer pretended to be Willard the mailman so he'd be better liked. He wasn't. In Guatemala, Smart Brian baited arrogant "Golden Boy" Blake into offending his tribemates with his off-color ramblings and in Exile Island, Misty the flirty scientist couldn't break-up her tribe's Boy's Club. Last season, Cristina the cop was seen as too bossy by her tribe's power clique.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Rita competed in the Miss Venezuela pageant (she moved to the US at age 8 and then returned to South America). She also appears in the 1990 Steven Seagal film, "Marked for Death." She's also 38--anyone else think she was a lot younger? It's the power of lip gloss, don't knock it!

Peace out! Christine :D

Survivor 14.4 "I'm not being negative, I'm stating the obvious."

REALITY ROUNDUP

Not much new to report. On "Grease," Allie barely missed going home, and I was glad she stayed--she's really grown on me. It's getting hard to deal with how bitchy the guys are being about each other, and they all seem to be picking on Chad. Austin's terrible "Fun Fun Fun" may have made him vulnerable--but can we please get rid of Derek? You can tell the British producer guy is done with him, and no wonder. He's cheesy and he can't sing. I'm loving American Idol--thank goodness we'll be on to the top 12 with the guys and girls singing together, starting next week: those all guy nights are terrible. They're playing it so safe, and meanwhile, the girls are throwing down! On the Amazing Race, I'm starting to embrace Rob and Amber--I've resisted for so long, but you know what? They're just better than everyone else, lol. Not sad to see the coalminers go, though they weren't crybabies this week, so it was a nice last outing for them. But they dont' even have that underdog thing going for them now that you know Rosie gave them a house, or whatever. I continue to hate Charla and Mirna with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. Glad to see Terri and Ian get in their faces a little. Oha and I was really glad Terri didn't drown during that white-water raft! The best moment was when one of the Team Guido guys was fretting about Rob and AMber not being in sight, and what did that mean--they must have a better plan, or whatever, and his life-partner huffs, 'Rob is not JESUS!" Classic. On to Survivor: Four Star Island....

PEOPLE PROBLEMS

At Ravu, Earl calls a post-Tribal COuncil Pow Wow around the (hurray!) fire, to try and ease tension, but all it does is stir stuff up. Rocky goes off on a rant about how he's not used to dealing with the "sentimental" Anthony, and adds, "You're like a woman, no offense." Anthony weepily tells us in private that he was picked on mightily as a kid and he has a lot of self-loathing. Then he vows to not let the others get rid of him...well dude, if you want to stick around, I reccomend toughening up a little, because Rocky is not gonna get LESS crazy and insensative.

Meanwhile, at Club Med Fiji, (I finally remembered why the tribe name was so familiar--MotoMaji was the name that the merged Africa tribe came up with--Lex was tres enamored with it) we have to listen to this happy jangly music and watch them laze about in hammocks and rave about how great everything is. Stacy sighs, "This water is awesome. I just wish that one eensy teensy little cloud up there would go away--it's really a bummer." Lisi (who I called Leci throughout last week's review--I blame never spending any time with these people) and Stacy take a relaxing swim and boast about how they've already got the game in the bag, because they have this awesome allaince of five within the tribe that's being pampered beyong belief. The "our thing" (as Stacy and Lisi call it) alliance is Lisi, Stacy, Boo, Alex and Edgardo. Because I hate most of them (Edgardo...eh..) I will change "Our Thing" to the more nefarious Itlaian,, "La Cosa Nostra." They aren't at all concerned about Papa Smurf, who is laying near death back at the shelter. He is suffering from constant head-sppinning, and he's covered with thousands of bug bites. While Cassandra, a normal, compassionate human being frets for the man's health and safety, Lisi shrugs, "I don't want to take care of him--I don't want to babysit. He just needs to suck it up and get better." Yeah, Lisi is a bitch.

REWARD CHALLENGE

The tribes gather, and Jeff reveals that the winning tribe will get fish, rice, spices pillows and a freakin' king size bed with sheets and all. I'm seriously not gonna be surprised when he offers up a 50$ gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond, and they all leave the Island on Mark Burnett's private jet for a Honolulu shopping spree. Honestly. The challenge is the one where the tribe stands on a balance beam, and one person at a time has to get past the people standing on the beam over to a platform, so they kind of have to hug each other and grope each other and whatnot. Papa Smurf and Cassandra sit out. At first, Ravu goes out to a lead as Lisi keeps failing and looking lame and I was loving it, but then Moto came up with a strategy where the whole tribe just squatted down on the beam and the people climbed easily over their backs. It was so succesful and easy, I think it made the game irrelevant, I don't think we'll ever see it again (I know we've seen it at least once before). Moto wins AGAIN, Boo, who whined about bad sportsmanship at the eating challenge celebrates obnoxiously AGAIN, and Dreaqmz executes a rather thrilling and impressive corkscrew dive off the platform. Moto sends Yau-man off to Exile. The only thing that's good about Ravu losing again is how much I hate Rocky and Mookie. Then we get back to Moto and have to listen to Alex brag, "We kicked the crap out of them again," as if it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that they're hydrated and their bodies aren't cannabalizing their own muscles so they can continue to live. THen we have to watch them eat AGAIN. Alex allows, "I do feel bad for them as individuals, but I want to win." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cna't be mad at them for not losing on purpose--that would be ridiculoes. But I am mad at the Show for making this so unfair and un-fun.

FITS AND FLIRTS

Back at Ravu, Rocky throws a hissy-fit--throwing things, screaming, the whole unattractive bit, "Le's goh tuh trahbal council right now!" he screams, while Mookie and Earl try to get him to chill. "Ah'm not bein' negative, ah'm statin' duh obvious," he argues. Then he says, "Ah', nuh sooguh cone nuh 'in." Which, translated from the punch-drunk Boston lout means, "I am not sugar-coating anything." I think. Anthony and Earl go off to chat, and Anthony is hopeful that Rocky's display might turn people angainst Rocky instead of himself. earl isn't that convinced, though he's trying to be in ANthony's corner, "It's getting harder and harder to look out for him," he tells us. Then he tells Anthony, "If you don't like your bed, go cut down some more palm fronds and make another one." Heh. Or you could've won one today...oh well. In Exile, Yau-man gets clue #4, which says, "Yep, Sylivia figured out clue #3, all right!" So Yau-man knows the Idol is buried under the tallest point of the cave-opening.

That night, at Moto, Lilliana, gets all flirty and massagey with Alex and Boo, and Lisi is not please," I know in her little diabolical Mexican mind, she's tryin' to do somethin'," Lisi sneers, "And I'm part-Cuban, so I can TOTALLY say disparaging things against Mexican's and it's like, totally allowed." In Florida, maybe, but I'd watch yourself when you're in LA for that Survivor reunion. Gary aka Papa Smurf feels worse and doesn't feel he'll get better--he thinks he had it better in 'Nam. The Medics are called, Cassandra cries, and Dreamz frets because gary is his only real friend on the tribe. As the ambulance boat whisks him off to the hospital, Lisi shrugs, "One less person." Yeah, Lisi is a couiple of OTHER things that I can't say in a review that I send to my parents. Alex, who must watch the show, isn't happy about the math, "If we lose tomorrow, we'll be tied and then we're screwed." Hmmm, Alex does not seem to have a lot of faith in his team...

Gary aka Papa Smurf leaves the game in 16th place, which used to be known as "last place" in Survivor's past. Sonya and her ukelele got the boot in Borneo. In the Outback, bossy Deb wore out her welcome in the first few minutes she had with her tribe. In Africa, sneaky Diane feaigned illness and then got Clarence to help her eat some of the tribe's communal food while they were off doing chores in what became known as BEANCANGATE. In the Marquesas, Chachi dubbed Peter a "Froot Loop," which he was--he alienated his tribe when he rhapsodized over his ability to control his bowel movements. In Thailand, bossy preacherman John ran afoul of his foul tribe and in the Amazon, Ryan couldn't come up with a new gameplan when his previous "flirt with the ladies" scheme became obsolete on Survivor's first all-male tribe. In the Pearl Islands, this woman named Nicole played the game to hard too fast and wound up on the outs. In Vanuatau, we siad goodbye to one of Vanuatu's many dull young white guys who we barely remember now, John P. In Palau, rat Jeff scurried off his tribe's sinking ship when he "hurt his ankle," wink wink, and in Guatemala, Princess Brianna ran afoul Steph when she "didn't know what a pick was," in a basketballish game. I still don't know a pick is--don't tell Steph. In Exile Island, Tina the lumberjill was still to grief stricken by the death of her only son to really be up for the social part of the Survivor game and last season, luck ran out for the Cook Island's spiritual Stephannie.

EVACUATED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Gary, though an old guy in "Survivorland," is only 55. He's a school bus driver--doesn't he look like a school bus driver? and he takes back in "inline skate marathons" back in the world.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Before the competition, Rocky dubs his previous meltdown as "leading by example," which, coupled with their lack of water and nutrients, explains why they suck so bad. Then he parades around naked (Rita's "not a pretty sight" isn't really necessary, I think we all could've guessed as much) and then he dolls himself up like a girl, which Jeff actually praises as "keeping a positvie attitude." Jeff's wearing a flattering and stylish dark brown shirt. Ravu is more upset and concerned than Moto was when they hear of Gary's departure, and of course Lisi is more than happy to act as though she needs and appreciates the sympathy. She sits out the challenge, which is an exhausting relay race invloving keys and cages and lily pads and having to build a human pyramid at the end--which was a nice touch. Jeff reveals that the winners will have a bottle to open once the challenge is over. Will this one live up to last season's surprise double ouster? Moto leads the race from second One, and goes out to a huge lead, which Ravu then admirable chips away at until it almost looks like they might have a prayer, but they don't and Moto wins, AGAIN. Then Lisi opens the bottle and reads the message. It is this season's first true monet of beauty: In order to keep Immunity, Moto must give up their camp of luxury and live at Ravu's rathole. In a stunning display of "We've never watched this show," Moto agrees rather quickly to keep their comfort--at the cost of a tribemember, meaning the squandering of their lead in term of numbers. There is NO debate, no dissenting voice. What's really stupid about it is...don't you agree to give up comfort when you sign UP for this game? I mean, if you don't want to play to win and slepp in the dirt and eat bugs, why sign up for Survivor, why not log on to expedia.com or whatever and go to the Fiji Hilton or whatever? Dumb, dumb, dumb! But Motot's won their king-size bed, now they'll have to lie in it--if they survivr Tribal COuncil, that is. Ravu gets Immunity.

LOST AESOP'S FABLE: THE STRIPED SNAKE THAT PUKED UP A SPOTTED SNAKE

Moto arrives back at camp, and clueless leader Alex pouts, "We're STILL undefeated!" uh, I'm sorry, when you forfeit a game, you are not undefeated. the group sits around their four star shelter, and Dreamz desides to display how lacking his social skills are, by undiplomatically announcing, "We're all honest, right? Right. Let's not be snakes, le'ts be up front about everything, so let's face it, Lisi and Cassandra are the only two peopel we can afford to lose, so we should vote out one of them--nothing personal!" As much as being backstabbed hurts..being frontstabbed is no picnic, either. We saw this in Exile Island, when Shane and Aras bluntly told Melinda and Cirie (who made it to the Final Four) that it was a toss up between the two of them, nothing personal! It's always persoanl in Survivor--it's personal in most things we persons do, because we're persons. I'd much rather find out at Tribal Council and delude myself that "they got rid of me becuase I'm so smart!" than be told to my face that I'm a physical liability to the team. Anyway, Cassandra is rather floored, and Lisi's just plain ticked, but also bemused because Dreamz doesn't know about Cosa Nostra. He thinks he's on equal footing with the tribe and that what he says registers with the others. Well, Edgardo goes along with it, "I'm voting for Cassandra. And not because I'm in a secret, underworld alliance with Lisi or anything, just because." Friends Cassandra and Liliana chat, and Cassandra knows her number may be up. Liliana doesn't want her to go, but tells an understanding Cassandra that, politically, she may not be able to NOT vote for her. A snake pukes out another snake to symbolize that Survivor is never gonna stop coming up with new ways to horrify it's audience with nature. And maybe that it's dumb to give up Immunity in game where you need to win a miilion dollars, in order to keep your damn couch--pass the paprika! I mean really, if you want to sit on your couch, stay home! Elsewhere, Cosa Nostra meets to discuss things. Alex, who thinks he's in charge, is angry at Dreamz for running his mouth at camp, but thinks Cassandra should go...which is what Dreamz said. I wish they were stupid enough to actually vote out the muscle-clad Dreamz, just to add to hwo stupid they are: Let's forfeit Immunity and vote out our strongest member! Lisi and Stacy are too worried about Liliana's massage skills to think "what's best for the tribe, and therefore, our survival in this game." They want Liliana OUT, and Alex disagrees, "Oh Dude, she's not going to get to us," but, it probably didn't escape them that ALex just called them "dude," which every woman loves to hear. Alex is furious that the girls intend to vote out strong Liliana over weak Cassandra...not enough to have the stones to stand up to them and be a leader and engineer Cassandra's ouster, which it seems well in his power to do, however...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has to go over the whole "Fire represents life" deal for the newcomers. Jeff asks about Gary, and Boo is all, "Even those jerks on the other tribe liked him, that's how great he was!" Dreamz relates how he misses him because he and Cassandra are his only real friends on the island, which makes his calling for her ouster seem even weirder than it was before. Dreamz feels left out of the tribe, and Edgardo hastens to tell him, "We treat everyone the same, there is no Cosa Nostra, no alliances, man! I'll work very hard to proof that to you, Dreamz, until the time comes to slit your throat!" Lisi barks, "Uh, if Dreamz was so invisible, how was it he felt comfortable enough to tell the tribe they should vote me out, huh?" Cassandra praises Liliana with what she believes is her dying breath, only to be floored when the tally is revelaed: Liliana is out by a landslide. Cassandra shakes her head, "I can't believe you fools didn't vote me out," she mutters. And Moto indeed gives up immunity for comfort, then decides to knowingly make their tribe physically weaker (remember, they can't sit Cassandra out next time), all in order to placate Lisi and Stacy's fragile female egos. Unbelievable.

Liliana finsished in 15th place, where cranky BB exited the game when he asked to be voted out (shame shame shame). In the Outback, Army Man Kel got his marching orders when Jerri accused him of smuggling beef jerky to the game. In Africa, policewoman Jessie couldn't hack the heat while in the Marquesas, Patricia's bossy ways led to her ouster. In Thailand, pretty-girl Tanya puked her way out of the game beofre things got ugly and in the Amazon, yet another smuggler accusation was hurled, this time costing Janet her flame. In the Pearl Islands, sweet Nerd Ryan was accused by Andrew of only giving a mere 110%, and not the required 120% and in Vanuatu, a real mean girl named Mia bit the dust. In Palau, worthless Kim was an easy vote-out for the suckiest tribe to ever play Survivor on an even playing field while in Guatemala a nice girl named Brooke just never really connected. In Exile Island, the aforementioned Melinda was ousted by Shane and company, and last season, the colorful, memorable Cao Boi was too much of a wild card for his tribe to handle. Hard to believe he was ousted THIS early in the game...

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

I don't know how fun it is, but Liliana is a Marine Corp vet who served in the Iraq War. Sounds like someone who might be good in challenges, no?

Next up: Hopefully more of these people become likable, or this is gonna be one long Spring :) I can't think of a better TV birthday present (yes, I'm 36 today) than a shake-up to brake-up the smug Cosa Nostra! They're cruisin' for a brusin' :D Peace Out!

Christine

Survivor 14.3 "It's not survival, it's thrival!"

AROUND THE REALITY HORN

Okay, I can't believe Chad was in the bottom two of "Grease" last Sunday. What is all the fuss about Derek? Yes, he has nice biceps, that does not make him Danny Zuko. Laura definitely seems like the Sandy to beat--do you think they'll make her bleach her hair? Is it the law that Sandy be blond? I think it might be. I really wish they'd let us see longer clips of the acting scenes, I'm as interested in that as the singing parts. As to "The Amazing Race," yes, I am now totally hooked. This last episode was totally exciting. I am very sad though at this realization: I wouldn't mind Chachi and Ambuh winning--that's how annoying most of the other teams are!! I hate it when anyone tells the airport workers "Don't tell anyone else about this earlier flight--I'm in a race!' I really wish the airport person would snap, "My job is to sell tickets, jackass, of course I'm gonna tell them!" The three worst teams were at the bottom this week--those New Yorkers that didn't want to be there went home--everyone think of your favorite team that wasn't made an All-Star so these guys could go in there place. Angry? But I think I would have rather lost the coal miners, good gravy, what babies! They whine and cry and moan about everything. The Amazing Race isn't about making friends, and seriously...did they expect people not to pass them during a race??? And then there's Charla and Mirna, who I hated with a passion the first time we were subjected to their crazy-ass tantrums, their woe-is-us attitudes and those bizarro Armenian accents they break out in foreign counties whenever they want to go into full-on dramarama mode. Which is always. As if speaking English in ANY accent makes it easier for people who don't speak English to understand. It's made all the worse by the fact we keep having to be told how we--as in America, just love plucky Charla because she's 4 feet tall. She's freakin' annoying, I don't care what she's had to overcome, I don't like her. Get me Amy Roloff from "Little People, Big World," SHE'S a little person, but she's likable and capable and I'll bet she'd tighten the lug nuts on a giant tractor sans drama and without an accent. Worst of all, Charla and Mirna made me...sigh...be on the same side as those beauty queens--why are they even there? Did ANYONE like them? First of all, I hate it when anyone whines about "being followed" in the Amazing Race. I used to run cross country when I was in school, and trust me, it's usually a good thing to have people behind you in a race. Like, what were the beauty queens supposed to do, pull over? And then Mirna sobs, "We're paying this taxi driver ALL THE MONEY WE HAVE LEFT to lead us!" It's almost the pit stop, one, so they'll be getting more money. Two, it was stupid of them to pay that much money to the guy, which is what the beauty queens were saying--just have him draw ALL of us a map, rather than blow all your money when it's not necessary. And then Mirna gets all "Take IT, take all the money I have! AY Carumba!!" And the beauty queens drive off and Charla and Mirna get lost--should have followed the beauty queens, lame-o's. And to cap it all off, we get to hear Charla go on and on about how MORAL she and Mirna are, gag. I HATE THEM. They are like a Saturday Night Live sketch brought to life by an evil scientist. One last thing: Is that Jamie, the crazy, hotheaded Georgia boy from Survivor Guatemala who got in a chest-butting contest with Bobby Jon, on those V-Cast commercials? The one where the buff guy in the gym has you listen to the new Fall Out Boy song? I think it is...And is anyone else watching VH-1's "The Agency?" I have to admit, I'm fascinated with the alcoholic Becky, who gets to make snide remarks at gorgeous models all day. How on earth do you get that gig?

AND SO IT CONTINUES

The losers of Ravu get back to camp after evicting Erica. Rocky tells us, "Ah don' know why we keep losin', it's a frickin' mystery--it's like we're unduh a curse or something." Is he SERIOUS!? Is CBS editing out all the parts where people sit around bitching about Mark Burnett feeding one tribe and starving the other and acting like it's a neat twist? I swear, I haven't been this mad about Survivor since they let Burton and Lill back in the game. I call shenanigans! Then the Ravuans agree that only one person will talk at once during all challenges. Riiiiiight.

That next morning, over at Moto, Leci has decided to paint the shelter's floor, in order to keep the ants from crawling in. Boo crows, "It's not survival, it's thrival!" It's not Survivor either. Leci predicts, "The other tribe is gonna start dropping like flies if they don't catch a break." She didn't seem to be gloating. Back at Ravu, everyone has the thousand yard stare down to an tee. Earl returns from Exile, and Michelle and Rita go off to try and make fire using Michelle's glasses to catch the sun--something I've begged past Survivors to try, I might add. Michelle tells us, "I started to pray, 'cause I know my my momma doesn't want me to die out here!" Soon, her glasses cause the dry leaves to smoke and spark!! She hands it off to Anthony who takes it to camp, and the others get kindling, and blow on it...and they get FIRE! Much rejoicing ensues--I'll admit it, I got kinda weepy. Rocky predicts this emotional lift will finally mean victory for his beleaguered tribe. Riiiiiight.

REWARD CHALLENGE--FINALLY!

Finally, we have a reward only challenge. Before they start, Jeff asks about what's been happening around camp, and Rocky beams, "My girl Michelle started a fire!" Jeff is really impressed, and says, "You've done what few tribes before have been able to do." Since they've made fire, they no longer have to earn their fire, so Jeff gives them their flint. I wonder if they could've lied about it? Moto looks a little miffed at all this praise being showered on, hello, the losers! Leci contemplates raving about how nice the shelter floor looks now that it's blue, but thinks better of it. This ain't "Top Design." The Challenge is for a choice of: The tribe's luxury items OR a bunch of fishing gear that Moto has already won OR a ton of fresh fruit. Aren't luxury items SO 2001? Aside from the occasional American flag, who the hell cares. Anyway, it's a pretty fun contest to watch--they have to slide on down this slippery course, grab a particular ball on their way to the end, and then get the ball into a chute. It's Slip and Slide meets Skee ball. Boo is kind of a savant at this game, while Sylvia sucks. Because it's head to head competition, we find out that Moto has people on it named Stay and Edgardo--who knew? Leci cackles at the sight of muscle-bound Dreamz going against tiny, wiry Yau-man, even though it's not like it's a wrestling contest. Dreamz wins, but still. Moto wins AGAIN, though they do seem to mute their celebration. They choose to take a double does of the fishing gear they already have, interestingly enough. They send Sylvia into Exile, but this time, Exile doesn't mean Immunity. She's embarrassed at how badly she did at the challenge, and frets, "They're probably sitting around right now saying, 'We shouldn't have saved her." Take heart, Sylvia, talking takes energy they just don't have right now. Her third clue to the the Idol lays it all out there: The Idol is buried right under the cave-shelter.

Back at Moto, everyone's having a great ol' time, until it becomes apparent that Papa Smurf is in serious pain from a fall he sustained at the challenge. He can't seem to take a deep breath, and frets he may have busted a rib. The Survivor Medics come out, and he's disoriented and emotional, saying at one point, "I don't want to die." A tearful Cassandra frets nearby, but the medics tell him they can't find anything serious, so they give him some aspirin and tell him to take it easy. Is it wrong that I was kinda glad to see someone, anyone from Moto suffer?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

It is the Return of the Gross Food Eating Challenge, once a staple of Reality TV. The last time I remember them doing it on Survivor was...Palau? Ravu is thrilled at first, because they're so hungry, they COULD an octopus, but, it turns out, it's very hard to swallow when you're dehydrated, so it turns out to be a challenge. Oh, and we learn that Moto has a woman named Lilliana on their tribe...again, who knew? When Mookie goes against Leci, he taunts her and tries to get her to vomit, which gets Boo all riled up. He says it was bad sportsmanship and that it has brought an end to the "good will" between the tribes. Ravu rolls their collective eyes at Boo. Newsflash, Thrival Guy, they hate your guts. Rocky tells him to chill out, and reminds him that they're just playing a game. He adds, "You vote out two an' tell me how YOU feel." Boo stops crying, and the game continues. In Ravu's last battle, Anthony and Papa Smurf try to out-cool, out-stare one another first, but Papa Smurf can eat the hairy pig snouts faster (really), and Moto wins AGAIN. I really, really hate this. It's not fair, and it's not fun.

LET'S GET RID OF SYLVIA FOR REAL...MAYBE

Rocky screams and scares away the bats. Sylvia apologizes for bonking on the Reward Challenge. As the oldest woman, lacking in any Survivor-type skills, she knows she's toast, and begins trying to look casual as she digs around for the Immunity Idol. She actually does a pretty good job of looking like she's just bored and depressed, but she has no privacy, making her quest seemingly futile. There does seem to be some fear that she already possesses the Idol, which may explain why Erica got the boot last time and Michelle made that face when Sylvia said then that she didn't have it. So everyone's worried that they could vote for her and wind up going in her place. A plan is launched to countermand HER vote, by giving a secondary candidate enough votes to go home, not "Sylvia's choice," whoever the hell that is, or to con Sylvia into voting fo rwho they want, I guess. Apparently, a lot of people find Anthony to be whiny or something. I think Mookie and Rocky just distrust him because he's smaht. Rocky puts the "I can't read him," tag on him, which was also his reason for turning on Erica. I'm beginning to wonder if that's just Rocky code for "They're Black." Watch your back, Earl. And be "readable." Rita plays along with the Anthony plan, but tells us she wants to shake things up, "We've allegedly made decisions to be stronger, but we're not!" Thank you, Captain Obvious. I honestly can't seem to read Rita...and I can say that because she's not African American. She's very somber, and I can't tell if she's really smart and playing a complex, interior game...or if she's just kind of dull.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks everyone to give a one-word assessment of the tribe, and gets a slew of tireds and hungrys. Yau-man cheats with a "Not very happy." Again, no one punches Jeff in the face for acting like their situation is off their own making. This isn't Palau, Jeff. Mookie calls out Anthony for "pissing him off" during the eating challenge by not trying hard enough. Anthony is "whatever dude." The gang casts their votes and Sylvia reveals that she does not have the Idol. Sylvia is ousted 4-3-1. Michelle, Yau-man, Earl and Anthony voted to boot her, while Mookie, Rocky and Sylvia voted against Anthony. Rita threw a vote against Earl, for some unknown Rita-reason. In her exit, Sylvia says she looks forward to seeing everyone, on both tribes, in a non-Survivor setting. Wow, a bona fide grown-up.

Sylvia is ousted in 17th place. In Vanuatu, Dolly the sweet sheepherder tried to be friends with everyone and got the boot for "playing both sides." In Palau, we lost Ashlee, who's fading in my memory--I think she was a buxom Mormon girl. In Guatemala, nobody missed Morgan, the very boring, blond magician's assistant. Last season, studly and arrogant JP was overthrown--probably to the tribe's detriment, no?

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Architect Sylvia's resume is no joke--she designed the interiors for Pac Bell Park...AT&T Park...sigh, where the San Francisco Giants play. I liked "Pac Bell Park," it was fun to say. She's not only a 49er fan, she lists 'The Sound of Music" as one of her favorite films--forget just hanging out, we could like, totally be friends!!

Next Up: Moto suffers, or I get even more irritated and bored with Survivor :Fiji--it rhymes with TOO EASY! Sort of.

Peace Out! :D

Christine