Survivor 14.3 "It's not survival, it's thrival!"

AROUND THE REALITY HORN

Okay, I can't believe Chad was in the bottom two of "Grease" last Sunday. What is all the fuss about Derek? Yes, he has nice biceps, that does not make him Danny Zuko. Laura definitely seems like the Sandy to beat--do you think they'll make her bleach her hair? Is it the law that Sandy be blond? I think it might be. I really wish they'd let us see longer clips of the acting scenes, I'm as interested in that as the singing parts. As to "The Amazing Race," yes, I am now totally hooked. This last episode was totally exciting. I am very sad though at this realization: I wouldn't mind Chachi and Ambuh winning--that's how annoying most of the other teams are!! I hate it when anyone tells the airport workers "Don't tell anyone else about this earlier flight--I'm in a race!' I really wish the airport person would snap, "My job is to sell tickets, jackass, of course I'm gonna tell them!" The three worst teams were at the bottom this week--those New Yorkers that didn't want to be there went home--everyone think of your favorite team that wasn't made an All-Star so these guys could go in there place. Angry? But I think I would have rather lost the coal miners, good gravy, what babies! They whine and cry and moan about everything. The Amazing Race isn't about making friends, and seriously...did they expect people not to pass them during a race??? And then there's Charla and Mirna, who I hated with a passion the first time we were subjected to their crazy-ass tantrums, their woe-is-us attitudes and those bizarro Armenian accents they break out in foreign counties whenever they want to go into full-on dramarama mode. Which is always. As if speaking English in ANY accent makes it easier for people who don't speak English to understand. It's made all the worse by the fact we keep having to be told how we--as in America, just love plucky Charla because she's 4 feet tall. She's freakin' annoying, I don't care what she's had to overcome, I don't like her. Get me Amy Roloff from "Little People, Big World," SHE'S a little person, but she's likable and capable and I'll bet she'd tighten the lug nuts on a giant tractor sans drama and without an accent. Worst of all, Charla and Mirna made me...sigh...be on the same side as those beauty queens--why are they even there? Did ANYONE like them? First of all, I hate it when anyone whines about "being followed" in the Amazing Race. I used to run cross country when I was in school, and trust me, it's usually a good thing to have people behind you in a race. Like, what were the beauty queens supposed to do, pull over? And then Mirna sobs, "We're paying this taxi driver ALL THE MONEY WE HAVE LEFT to lead us!" It's almost the pit stop, one, so they'll be getting more money. Two, it was stupid of them to pay that much money to the guy, which is what the beauty queens were saying--just have him draw ALL of us a map, rather than blow all your money when it's not necessary. And then Mirna gets all "Take IT, take all the money I have! AY Carumba!!" And the beauty queens drive off and Charla and Mirna get lost--should have followed the beauty queens, lame-o's. And to cap it all off, we get to hear Charla go on and on about how MORAL she and Mirna are, gag. I HATE THEM. They are like a Saturday Night Live sketch brought to life by an evil scientist. One last thing: Is that Jamie, the crazy, hotheaded Georgia boy from Survivor Guatemala who got in a chest-butting contest with Bobby Jon, on those V-Cast commercials? The one where the buff guy in the gym has you listen to the new Fall Out Boy song? I think it is...And is anyone else watching VH-1's "The Agency?" I have to admit, I'm fascinated with the alcoholic Becky, who gets to make snide remarks at gorgeous models all day. How on earth do you get that gig?

AND SO IT CONTINUES

The losers of Ravu get back to camp after evicting Erica. Rocky tells us, "Ah don' know why we keep losin', it's a frickin' mystery--it's like we're unduh a curse or something." Is he SERIOUS!? Is CBS editing out all the parts where people sit around bitching about Mark Burnett feeding one tribe and starving the other and acting like it's a neat twist? I swear, I haven't been this mad about Survivor since they let Burton and Lill back in the game. I call shenanigans! Then the Ravuans agree that only one person will talk at once during all challenges. Riiiiiight.

That next morning, over at Moto, Leci has decided to paint the shelter's floor, in order to keep the ants from crawling in. Boo crows, "It's not survival, it's thrival!" It's not Survivor either. Leci predicts, "The other tribe is gonna start dropping like flies if they don't catch a break." She didn't seem to be gloating. Back at Ravu, everyone has the thousand yard stare down to an tee. Earl returns from Exile, and Michelle and Rita go off to try and make fire using Michelle's glasses to catch the sun--something I've begged past Survivors to try, I might add. Michelle tells us, "I started to pray, 'cause I know my my momma doesn't want me to die out here!" Soon, her glasses cause the dry leaves to smoke and spark!! She hands it off to Anthony who takes it to camp, and the others get kindling, and blow on it...and they get FIRE! Much rejoicing ensues--I'll admit it, I got kinda weepy. Rocky predicts this emotional lift will finally mean victory for his beleaguered tribe. Riiiiiight.

REWARD CHALLENGE--FINALLY!

Finally, we have a reward only challenge. Before they start, Jeff asks about what's been happening around camp, and Rocky beams, "My girl Michelle started a fire!" Jeff is really impressed, and says, "You've done what few tribes before have been able to do." Since they've made fire, they no longer have to earn their fire, so Jeff gives them their flint. I wonder if they could've lied about it? Moto looks a little miffed at all this praise being showered on, hello, the losers! Leci contemplates raving about how nice the shelter floor looks now that it's blue, but thinks better of it. This ain't "Top Design." The Challenge is for a choice of: The tribe's luxury items OR a bunch of fishing gear that Moto has already won OR a ton of fresh fruit. Aren't luxury items SO 2001? Aside from the occasional American flag, who the hell cares. Anyway, it's a pretty fun contest to watch--they have to slide on down this slippery course, grab a particular ball on their way to the end, and then get the ball into a chute. It's Slip and Slide meets Skee ball. Boo is kind of a savant at this game, while Sylvia sucks. Because it's head to head competition, we find out that Moto has people on it named Stay and Edgardo--who knew? Leci cackles at the sight of muscle-bound Dreamz going against tiny, wiry Yau-man, even though it's not like it's a wrestling contest. Dreamz wins, but still. Moto wins AGAIN, though they do seem to mute their celebration. They choose to take a double does of the fishing gear they already have, interestingly enough. They send Sylvia into Exile, but this time, Exile doesn't mean Immunity. She's embarrassed at how badly she did at the challenge, and frets, "They're probably sitting around right now saying, 'We shouldn't have saved her." Take heart, Sylvia, talking takes energy they just don't have right now. Her third clue to the the Idol lays it all out there: The Idol is buried right under the cave-shelter.

Back at Moto, everyone's having a great ol' time, until it becomes apparent that Papa Smurf is in serious pain from a fall he sustained at the challenge. He can't seem to take a deep breath, and frets he may have busted a rib. The Survivor Medics come out, and he's disoriented and emotional, saying at one point, "I don't want to die." A tearful Cassandra frets nearby, but the medics tell him they can't find anything serious, so they give him some aspirin and tell him to take it easy. Is it wrong that I was kinda glad to see someone, anyone from Moto suffer?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

It is the Return of the Gross Food Eating Challenge, once a staple of Reality TV. The last time I remember them doing it on Survivor was...Palau? Ravu is thrilled at first, because they're so hungry, they COULD an octopus, but, it turns out, it's very hard to swallow when you're dehydrated, so it turns out to be a challenge. Oh, and we learn that Moto has a woman named Lilliana on their tribe...again, who knew? When Mookie goes against Leci, he taunts her and tries to get her to vomit, which gets Boo all riled up. He says it was bad sportsmanship and that it has brought an end to the "good will" between the tribes. Ravu rolls their collective eyes at Boo. Newsflash, Thrival Guy, they hate your guts. Rocky tells him to chill out, and reminds him that they're just playing a game. He adds, "You vote out two an' tell me how YOU feel." Boo stops crying, and the game continues. In Ravu's last battle, Anthony and Papa Smurf try to out-cool, out-stare one another first, but Papa Smurf can eat the hairy pig snouts faster (really), and Moto wins AGAIN. I really, really hate this. It's not fair, and it's not fun.

LET'S GET RID OF SYLVIA FOR REAL...MAYBE

Rocky screams and scares away the bats. Sylvia apologizes for bonking on the Reward Challenge. As the oldest woman, lacking in any Survivor-type skills, she knows she's toast, and begins trying to look casual as she digs around for the Immunity Idol. She actually does a pretty good job of looking like she's just bored and depressed, but she has no privacy, making her quest seemingly futile. There does seem to be some fear that she already possesses the Idol, which may explain why Erica got the boot last time and Michelle made that face when Sylvia said then that she didn't have it. So everyone's worried that they could vote for her and wind up going in her place. A plan is launched to countermand HER vote, by giving a secondary candidate enough votes to go home, not "Sylvia's choice," whoever the hell that is, or to con Sylvia into voting fo rwho they want, I guess. Apparently, a lot of people find Anthony to be whiny or something. I think Mookie and Rocky just distrust him because he's smaht. Rocky puts the "I can't read him," tag on him, which was also his reason for turning on Erica. I'm beginning to wonder if that's just Rocky code for "They're Black." Watch your back, Earl. And be "readable." Rita plays along with the Anthony plan, but tells us she wants to shake things up, "We've allegedly made decisions to be stronger, but we're not!" Thank you, Captain Obvious. I honestly can't seem to read Rita...and I can say that because she's not African American. She's very somber, and I can't tell if she's really smart and playing a complex, interior game...or if she's just kind of dull.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks everyone to give a one-word assessment of the tribe, and gets a slew of tireds and hungrys. Yau-man cheats with a "Not very happy." Again, no one punches Jeff in the face for acting like their situation is off their own making. This isn't Palau, Jeff. Mookie calls out Anthony for "pissing him off" during the eating challenge by not trying hard enough. Anthony is "whatever dude." The gang casts their votes and Sylvia reveals that she does not have the Idol. Sylvia is ousted 4-3-1. Michelle, Yau-man, Earl and Anthony voted to boot her, while Mookie, Rocky and Sylvia voted against Anthony. Rita threw a vote against Earl, for some unknown Rita-reason. In her exit, Sylvia says she looks forward to seeing everyone, on both tribes, in a non-Survivor setting. Wow, a bona fide grown-up.

Sylvia is ousted in 17th place. In Vanuatu, Dolly the sweet sheepherder tried to be friends with everyone and got the boot for "playing both sides." In Palau, we lost Ashlee, who's fading in my memory--I think she was a buxom Mormon girl. In Guatemala, nobody missed Morgan, the very boring, blond magician's assistant. Last season, studly and arrogant JP was overthrown--probably to the tribe's detriment, no?

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Architect Sylvia's resume is no joke--she designed the interiors for Pac Bell Park...AT&T Park...sigh, where the San Francisco Giants play. I liked "Pac Bell Park," it was fun to say. She's not only a 49er fan, she lists 'The Sound of Music" as one of her favorite films--forget just hanging out, we could like, totally be friends!!

Next Up: Moto suffers, or I get even more irritated and bored with Survivor :Fiji--it rhymes with TOO EASY! Sort of.

Peace Out! :D

Christine