Survivor 14.4 "I'm not being negative, I'm stating the obvious."

REALITY ROUNDUP

Not much new to report. On "Grease," Allie barely missed going home, and I was glad she stayed--she's really grown on me. It's getting hard to deal with how bitchy the guys are being about each other, and they all seem to be picking on Chad. Austin's terrible "Fun Fun Fun" may have made him vulnerable--but can we please get rid of Derek? You can tell the British producer guy is done with him, and no wonder. He's cheesy and he can't sing. I'm loving American Idol--thank goodness we'll be on to the top 12 with the guys and girls singing together, starting next week: those all guy nights are terrible. They're playing it so safe, and meanwhile, the girls are throwing down! On the Amazing Race, I'm starting to embrace Rob and Amber--I've resisted for so long, but you know what? They're just better than everyone else, lol. Not sad to see the coalminers go, though they weren't crybabies this week, so it was a nice last outing for them. But they dont' even have that underdog thing going for them now that you know Rosie gave them a house, or whatever. I continue to hate Charla and Mirna with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. Glad to see Terri and Ian get in their faces a little. Oha and I was really glad Terri didn't drown during that white-water raft! The best moment was when one of the Team Guido guys was fretting about Rob and AMber not being in sight, and what did that mean--they must have a better plan, or whatever, and his life-partner huffs, 'Rob is not JESUS!" Classic. On to Survivor: Four Star Island....

PEOPLE PROBLEMS

At Ravu, Earl calls a post-Tribal COuncil Pow Wow around the (hurray!) fire, to try and ease tension, but all it does is stir stuff up. Rocky goes off on a rant about how he's not used to dealing with the "sentimental" Anthony, and adds, "You're like a woman, no offense." Anthony weepily tells us in private that he was picked on mightily as a kid and he has a lot of self-loathing. Then he vows to not let the others get rid of him...well dude, if you want to stick around, I reccomend toughening up a little, because Rocky is not gonna get LESS crazy and insensative.

Meanwhile, at Club Med Fiji, (I finally remembered why the tribe name was so familiar--MotoMaji was the name that the merged Africa tribe came up with--Lex was tres enamored with it) we have to listen to this happy jangly music and watch them laze about in hammocks and rave about how great everything is. Stacy sighs, "This water is awesome. I just wish that one eensy teensy little cloud up there would go away--it's really a bummer." Lisi (who I called Leci throughout last week's review--I blame never spending any time with these people) and Stacy take a relaxing swim and boast about how they've already got the game in the bag, because they have this awesome allaince of five within the tribe that's being pampered beyong belief. The "our thing" (as Stacy and Lisi call it) alliance is Lisi, Stacy, Boo, Alex and Edgardo. Because I hate most of them (Edgardo...eh..) I will change "Our Thing" to the more nefarious Itlaian,, "La Cosa Nostra." They aren't at all concerned about Papa Smurf, who is laying near death back at the shelter. He is suffering from constant head-sppinning, and he's covered with thousands of bug bites. While Cassandra, a normal, compassionate human being frets for the man's health and safety, Lisi shrugs, "I don't want to take care of him--I don't want to babysit. He just needs to suck it up and get better." Yeah, Lisi is a bitch.

REWARD CHALLENGE

The tribes gather, and Jeff reveals that the winning tribe will get fish, rice, spices pillows and a freakin' king size bed with sheets and all. I'm seriously not gonna be surprised when he offers up a 50$ gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond, and they all leave the Island on Mark Burnett's private jet for a Honolulu shopping spree. Honestly. The challenge is the one where the tribe stands on a balance beam, and one person at a time has to get past the people standing on the beam over to a platform, so they kind of have to hug each other and grope each other and whatnot. Papa Smurf and Cassandra sit out. At first, Ravu goes out to a lead as Lisi keeps failing and looking lame and I was loving it, but then Moto came up with a strategy where the whole tribe just squatted down on the beam and the people climbed easily over their backs. It was so succesful and easy, I think it made the game irrelevant, I don't think we'll ever see it again (I know we've seen it at least once before). Moto wins AGAIN, Boo, who whined about bad sportsmanship at the eating challenge celebrates obnoxiously AGAIN, and Dreaqmz executes a rather thrilling and impressive corkscrew dive off the platform. Moto sends Yau-man off to Exile. The only thing that's good about Ravu losing again is how much I hate Rocky and Mookie. Then we get back to Moto and have to listen to Alex brag, "We kicked the crap out of them again," as if it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that they're hydrated and their bodies aren't cannabalizing their own muscles so they can continue to live. THen we have to watch them eat AGAIN. Alex allows, "I do feel bad for them as individuals, but I want to win." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I cna't be mad at them for not losing on purpose--that would be ridiculoes. But I am mad at the Show for making this so unfair and un-fun.

FITS AND FLIRTS

Back at Ravu, Rocky throws a hissy-fit--throwing things, screaming, the whole unattractive bit, "Le's goh tuh trahbal council right now!" he screams, while Mookie and Earl try to get him to chill. "Ah'm not bein' negative, ah'm statin' duh obvious," he argues. Then he says, "Ah', nuh sooguh cone nuh 'in." Which, translated from the punch-drunk Boston lout means, "I am not sugar-coating anything." I think. Anthony and Earl go off to chat, and Anthony is hopeful that Rocky's display might turn people angainst Rocky instead of himself. earl isn't that convinced, though he's trying to be in ANthony's corner, "It's getting harder and harder to look out for him," he tells us. Then he tells Anthony, "If you don't like your bed, go cut down some more palm fronds and make another one." Heh. Or you could've won one today...oh well. In Exile, Yau-man gets clue #4, which says, "Yep, Sylivia figured out clue #3, all right!" So Yau-man knows the Idol is buried under the tallest point of the cave-opening.

That night, at Moto, Lilliana, gets all flirty and massagey with Alex and Boo, and Lisi is not please," I know in her little diabolical Mexican mind, she's tryin' to do somethin'," Lisi sneers, "And I'm part-Cuban, so I can TOTALLY say disparaging things against Mexican's and it's like, totally allowed." In Florida, maybe, but I'd watch yourself when you're in LA for that Survivor reunion. Gary aka Papa Smurf feels worse and doesn't feel he'll get better--he thinks he had it better in 'Nam. The Medics are called, Cassandra cries, and Dreamz frets because gary is his only real friend on the tribe. As the ambulance boat whisks him off to the hospital, Lisi shrugs, "One less person." Yeah, Lisi is a couiple of OTHER things that I can't say in a review that I send to my parents. Alex, who must watch the show, isn't happy about the math, "If we lose tomorrow, we'll be tied and then we're screwed." Hmmm, Alex does not seem to have a lot of faith in his team...

Gary aka Papa Smurf leaves the game in 16th place, which used to be known as "last place" in Survivor's past. Sonya and her ukelele got the boot in Borneo. In the Outback, bossy Deb wore out her welcome in the first few minutes she had with her tribe. In Africa, sneaky Diane feaigned illness and then got Clarence to help her eat some of the tribe's communal food while they were off doing chores in what became known as BEANCANGATE. In the Marquesas, Chachi dubbed Peter a "Froot Loop," which he was--he alienated his tribe when he rhapsodized over his ability to control his bowel movements. In Thailand, bossy preacherman John ran afoul of his foul tribe and in the Amazon, Ryan couldn't come up with a new gameplan when his previous "flirt with the ladies" scheme became obsolete on Survivor's first all-male tribe. In the Pearl Islands, this woman named Nicole played the game to hard too fast and wound up on the outs. In Vanuatau, we siad goodbye to one of Vanuatu's many dull young white guys who we barely remember now, John P. In Palau, rat Jeff scurried off his tribe's sinking ship when he "hurt his ankle," wink wink, and in Guatemala, Princess Brianna ran afoul Steph when she "didn't know what a pick was," in a basketballish game. I still don't know a pick is--don't tell Steph. In Exile Island, Tina the lumberjill was still to grief stricken by the death of her only son to really be up for the social part of the Survivor game and last season, luck ran out for the Cook Island's spiritual Stephannie.

EVACUATED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Gary, though an old guy in "Survivorland," is only 55. He's a school bus driver--doesn't he look like a school bus driver? and he takes back in "inline skate marathons" back in the world.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Before the competition, Rocky dubs his previous meltdown as "leading by example," which, coupled with their lack of water and nutrients, explains why they suck so bad. Then he parades around naked (Rita's "not a pretty sight" isn't really necessary, I think we all could've guessed as much) and then he dolls himself up like a girl, which Jeff actually praises as "keeping a positvie attitude." Jeff's wearing a flattering and stylish dark brown shirt. Ravu is more upset and concerned than Moto was when they hear of Gary's departure, and of course Lisi is more than happy to act as though she needs and appreciates the sympathy. She sits out the challenge, which is an exhausting relay race invloving keys and cages and lily pads and having to build a human pyramid at the end--which was a nice touch. Jeff reveals that the winners will have a bottle to open once the challenge is over. Will this one live up to last season's surprise double ouster? Moto leads the race from second One, and goes out to a huge lead, which Ravu then admirable chips away at until it almost looks like they might have a prayer, but they don't and Moto wins, AGAIN. Then Lisi opens the bottle and reads the message. It is this season's first true monet of beauty: In order to keep Immunity, Moto must give up their camp of luxury and live at Ravu's rathole. In a stunning display of "We've never watched this show," Moto agrees rather quickly to keep their comfort--at the cost of a tribemember, meaning the squandering of their lead in term of numbers. There is NO debate, no dissenting voice. What's really stupid about it is...don't you agree to give up comfort when you sign UP for this game? I mean, if you don't want to play to win and slepp in the dirt and eat bugs, why sign up for Survivor, why not log on to expedia.com or whatever and go to the Fiji Hilton or whatever? Dumb, dumb, dumb! But Motot's won their king-size bed, now they'll have to lie in it--if they survivr Tribal COuncil, that is. Ravu gets Immunity.

LOST AESOP'S FABLE: THE STRIPED SNAKE THAT PUKED UP A SPOTTED SNAKE

Moto arrives back at camp, and clueless leader Alex pouts, "We're STILL undefeated!" uh, I'm sorry, when you forfeit a game, you are not undefeated. the group sits around their four star shelter, and Dreamz desides to display how lacking his social skills are, by undiplomatically announcing, "We're all honest, right? Right. Let's not be snakes, le'ts be up front about everything, so let's face it, Lisi and Cassandra are the only two peopel we can afford to lose, so we should vote out one of them--nothing personal!" As much as being backstabbed hurts..being frontstabbed is no picnic, either. We saw this in Exile Island, when Shane and Aras bluntly told Melinda and Cirie (who made it to the Final Four) that it was a toss up between the two of them, nothing personal! It's always persoanl in Survivor--it's personal in most things we persons do, because we're persons. I'd much rather find out at Tribal Council and delude myself that "they got rid of me becuase I'm so smart!" than be told to my face that I'm a physical liability to the team. Anyway, Cassandra is rather floored, and Lisi's just plain ticked, but also bemused because Dreamz doesn't know about Cosa Nostra. He thinks he's on equal footing with the tribe and that what he says registers with the others. Well, Edgardo goes along with it, "I'm voting for Cassandra. And not because I'm in a secret, underworld alliance with Lisi or anything, just because." Friends Cassandra and Liliana chat, and Cassandra knows her number may be up. Liliana doesn't want her to go, but tells an understanding Cassandra that, politically, she may not be able to NOT vote for her. A snake pukes out another snake to symbolize that Survivor is never gonna stop coming up with new ways to horrify it's audience with nature. And maybe that it's dumb to give up Immunity in game where you need to win a miilion dollars, in order to keep your damn couch--pass the paprika! I mean really, if you want to sit on your couch, stay home! Elsewhere, Cosa Nostra meets to discuss things. Alex, who thinks he's in charge, is angry at Dreamz for running his mouth at camp, but thinks Cassandra should go...which is what Dreamz said. I wish they were stupid enough to actually vote out the muscle-clad Dreamz, just to add to hwo stupid they are: Let's forfeit Immunity and vote out our strongest member! Lisi and Stacy are too worried about Liliana's massage skills to think "what's best for the tribe, and therefore, our survival in this game." They want Liliana OUT, and Alex disagrees, "Oh Dude, she's not going to get to us," but, it probably didn't escape them that ALex just called them "dude," which every woman loves to hear. Alex is furious that the girls intend to vote out strong Liliana over weak Cassandra...not enough to have the stones to stand up to them and be a leader and engineer Cassandra's ouster, which it seems well in his power to do, however...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has to go over the whole "Fire represents life" deal for the newcomers. Jeff asks about Gary, and Boo is all, "Even those jerks on the other tribe liked him, that's how great he was!" Dreamz relates how he misses him because he and Cassandra are his only real friends on the island, which makes his calling for her ouster seem even weirder than it was before. Dreamz feels left out of the tribe, and Edgardo hastens to tell him, "We treat everyone the same, there is no Cosa Nostra, no alliances, man! I'll work very hard to proof that to you, Dreamz, until the time comes to slit your throat!" Lisi barks, "Uh, if Dreamz was so invisible, how was it he felt comfortable enough to tell the tribe they should vote me out, huh?" Cassandra praises Liliana with what she believes is her dying breath, only to be floored when the tally is revelaed: Liliana is out by a landslide. Cassandra shakes her head, "I can't believe you fools didn't vote me out," she mutters. And Moto indeed gives up immunity for comfort, then decides to knowingly make their tribe physically weaker (remember, they can't sit Cassandra out next time), all in order to placate Lisi and Stacy's fragile female egos. Unbelievable.

Liliana finsished in 15th place, where cranky BB exited the game when he asked to be voted out (shame shame shame). In the Outback, Army Man Kel got his marching orders when Jerri accused him of smuggling beef jerky to the game. In Africa, policewoman Jessie couldn't hack the heat while in the Marquesas, Patricia's bossy ways led to her ouster. In Thailand, pretty-girl Tanya puked her way out of the game beofre things got ugly and in the Amazon, yet another smuggler accusation was hurled, this time costing Janet her flame. In the Pearl Islands, sweet Nerd Ryan was accused by Andrew of only giving a mere 110%, and not the required 120% and in Vanuatu, a real mean girl named Mia bit the dust. In Palau, worthless Kim was an easy vote-out for the suckiest tribe to ever play Survivor on an even playing field while in Guatemala a nice girl named Brooke just never really connected. In Exile Island, the aforementioned Melinda was ousted by Shane and company, and last season, the colorful, memorable Cao Boi was too much of a wild card for his tribe to handle. Hard to believe he was ousted THIS early in the game...

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

I don't know how fun it is, but Liliana is a Marine Corp vet who served in the Iraq War. Sounds like someone who might be good in challenges, no?

Next up: Hopefully more of these people become likable, or this is gonna be one long Spring :) I can't think of a better TV birthday present (yes, I'm 36 today) than a shake-up to brake-up the smug Cosa Nostra! They're cruisin' for a brusin' :D Peace Out!

Christine