Survivor 14.5 "Love many, trust few, do wrong to none."

SURVIVOR IS ON TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21, due to basketball

REALITY ROUNDUP

Chachi and Amber go from first to worst on The Amazing Race! It would have been funny had they not been bested in the end by Charla and Mirna. Amber's "lie" was pretty standard operational procedure for the Amazing Race--doesn't everyone pretend they don't know about the better flight, pretend they already got the clue, etc. etc. Anyone else think Rob and Amber threw the thing to go home? I mean, I just don't get it. And they seemed so okay with it, after being so gung-ho and "We've got something to prove!" in the beginning. Something doesn't smell right...except, I dunno, maybe Rob and Amber DON'T know how to spell, which was their undoing at that sign challenge. To make matters HORRIBLE, Charla and Mirna then went on to win the next leg of the race, and we had to listen to them lecture us about how NO ONE THOUGHT THEY COULD DO IT. OY! My beloved Chad got the boot on "Grease," The Horror! I voted the heck out of Austin last week, hoping Derek would leave--and he did! THen we had to listen to all the contestants lobby America with their sob stories. Kudos to Laura for merely being a little bummed she had to postpone her wedding, and not reaching into her childhood to tell us she had scoliosis or an overbite in 7th grade or whatever. I voted for Laura--she is so superior to Ashley, it's not even funny. I am pulling for Max, I think he's more natural of an actor, but Austin could pull it off--he's over the top on TV, but it wouldn't play that way on stage, right? Loved American Idol the last two weeks! I could not get over how sane and credible and lovely Diana Ross was! She looked amazing (in part BECAUSE she had some weight on her) and her advice to the kids was so sincere and accurate--almost everyone who didn't do so great would have benefited from listening to her. This week, the British Invasion show, was another winner, though I was bummed at the lack of Petula Clark. Though Melinda remains my fave, Jordin is turning in some amazing performances. I'm glad Blake went back to really singing with the Zombies song, it was very sexy. And, I hate to say it but I thought Sanjaya did a (gulp) pretty good job. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was cheesy and lame, but it was also very Donny Osmond/Leif Garrett/ Tony DeFranco. He really had fun with it, and those 10-year-olds in the audience seemed pretty smitten. I think Phil will go home tomorrow--he's just not connecting. Oh, and the guy in the VERIZON commercial that I thought might be crazy Jamie from Guatemala is actually crazy Silas from Africa...now, onto Survivor.

IDOL HANDS

At Ravu, Yau-man and Earl, the tribe's surviving Exile's, commiserate on how freakin' hard it will be to unearth the Immunity Idol, which they both know is buried right under them, at the entrance to the cave. Earl hatches a plan to get the rest of the tribe out of camp on a food hunt in order to allow Yau-man to dig for it. The next morning, the starving tribe goes off to look for clams and fruit and whatnot. Of course, no one finds any food, and Yau-man's quest is equally fruitless--he doesn't know how deep the Idol is buried, he complains, but did anyone else think he was a little unsure of where to dig? Sylvia seemed to have a more precise idea of the X marks the spot place. At any rate, the rusty machete doesn't make much of a shovel, either. Meanwhile, while on Earl's snipe hunt, Earl and Anthony climb a hill and take in a breathtaking view of Fiji. As Anthony puts it, the two men take a break from the game and "let themselves be astounded." Aww, how cute, they haven't lost their will to live...

Then we have to here the "Ain't no party like a Moto party cuz a Moto party don't stop" music for the three thousandth time this season--because life's just one big awesome nap for the fat and happy Winners of Everything. As they prepare for the Reward Challenge, by picking out of a catalog, Boo shrugs, "We have so much luxury, it don't matter what we pick." I hate Boo. At Ravu, the tribe bickers over what two prizes they should choose. Earl insists they take two need items, whereas Rocky wants them to pick one need item, and one frivilous item. Earl insists they need to get the fishing gear so they can feed themselves and Rocky whines, "But I'm hungry!" earl gives him a classic, "No Duh," look and nods, "Yeah, Einstein, that's what the fishing gear is for. You know, give a man a fish...awwww, forget it." Earl says to us, "We're not on Fantasy Island. They're living in a mansion like "Fresh Prince of Bel Air," we're living like "Good Times." Man, Earl, that was a whole lot o' pop culture in one sentence, but I hear ya.

GOOD TIMES THEME (Ravu version)

"Good Times! Knowing where the Idol's hidden! Good Times, Or when the other team forfeits! Good Times! Any time you find bananas, not getting bug bit, keepin' your torch lit! Not dying of de-hy-dra-tion! Not punching Jeff in the face! Making fire with glasses--Good Times! Ignoring when Boo sasses--Good Tiiiiiiimes. Ain't we lucky we got 'em. Good Tiiiiiiiiimes! Ayyyyeyeeeeooooooo, yeah!"

REWARD CHALLENGE

So, it's the one-on-one gladiator "knock the person off the platform into the mud," challenge. Boo struts in eating a mango, because he's an ass. When Rocky gets in his face about it, the Motoes all laugh at him, "Oh, that Rocky. He was hard enough to understand when he DIDN'T have scurvy." Moto has chosen coffee grounds and a press and something else you could probably find in a Williams-Sonoma catalog. I can't tell you what it is because I can't read my handwriting. THen they scoff as it's revealed that Ravu wants a sack of potatoes and fishing gear. THe winner of the challenge gets all FOUR items, so Moto is all, "Fishing gear? That is SO Day Two." ANd of course, we all want for Ravu to win, so they can gnaw their potatoes like starving racoons, but they're all wasted away, and are easily beat by the stronger, HEAVIER tribe. Earl is sent to Exile, again. The only win Ravu gets is when Yau-man beats Stacy, and he still has the decency to feel bad about beating a girl in a fight. I wish I could have watched Stacy get her ass kicked AFTER she was an unimaginable bitch to Dreamz--I woulda enjoyed it more. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, read on...

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE

More insufferable Moto partay-ing, and people saying stupid stuff like, "I love coffee!" "I love soap more!" "Coffee!" "Soap!" SOAP! That's what their other thing was, some toiletries. And they also get the potatoes and the fishing stuff that Ravu needed. To Live. Despite all the reasons to celebrate, or maybe because of them, Lisi and Stacy decide to act like mean, popular thirteen-year-olds, and give Dreamz the cold shoulder when he tries to, you know, TALK TO THEM. TO hear Stacy explain it, "We're gonna pick them off one by one anyway, so why bother being even remotely polite to the losers that aren't in Cosa Nostra? Hellooooo? We're in total control of this game!" And you know what? At least every other bleep hole that ever played this game (Hatch, Jerri, The Friendship Necklace Alliance of Africa, Johnny Pots and Pans, Porn Star Brian and Clay, Freakin' Heidi, Burton and Lill, Ami, Shane and Courtney and probably many others (let's face it, the majority of Survivor: Thailand) had to at least SUFFER. They were hungry and dirty and stuff. Stacy and Lisi aren't even playing the game, and they think they've won it already. Stacy even goes so far as to shrug, "This is Survivor," to justify being cold and cruel (she refers to Dreamz as a "child" in his presence, as though he wasn't there). Bitch, you do NOT even know what Survivor is so shut the front door. So, since no one will help him make it properly, Dreamz tries to make himself a cup of coffee by just sprinkling in some of the grounds into some water, and of course, it doesn't work. As someone who once tried to make Kool-Aid with powdered sugar (on a high school camping trip), I feel his pain. And just when I had written off Alex as just another smug dumb bastard in a tribe full of 'em, Handsome Alex reveals that not only does he have a heart (drum roll............) He watches and understands Survivor. "It nauseates me to see anyone treated that way," he reveals. "This game is all about instant karma [author's note--how many times have I used that very phrase!?]. To treat someone like that---how can they not see it could screw them later on." THANK YOU. But back at Camp Clueless, Stacy is still OFFENDED at Dreamz' failure, "How can ANYONE not know how to make coffee using a press!? God, what are you, like, some kind of homeless person or something!?" Then she explains to ALEX, still not deigning to speak to Dreamz, exactly how to use the press, in a tone that somehow manages to make such knowledge sound both painfully obvious and vitally important. Then Cassandra has the gall to wrinkle her nose at the coffee that Stacy made and complain about the grounds that are floating on top. Stacy shoots her the evil-eye but opts to not speak to her either. And again, the fact that the two black people on the tribe are on the outs? TOTAL COINCIDENCE.

THIS AND THAT

On Exile Island, Earl gets the 5th clue, which reads, "Dude, SERIOUSLY, it's exactly where we told you it was in the other three clues. We thought you'd find it by now, we don't know what else to say." Back at Ravu, a bored Anthony clumsily tries to bond with an equally annoyed Rocky over the inane make-up and fashion chatter of Rita and Michelle. Says Anthony "I can almost feel the brain matter seeping out of my auditory canal as I'm forced to listen to such banal conversation." Rocky concurs, "Ah'd hit 'em wit a pineapple but only, we don't got none." In the background, Rita drones on, "People assume because I'm a beauty queen and a spokesmodel, I must be high maintainence, but I'm surprisingly LOW maintenance. I just put on some lip gloss and I'm good to go!" Who knew prophetic words could be so silly...

REALITY REALITY CHECK

So, ALex is really worried about how the rest of Cosa Nostra is behaving. He's done the Survivor math and realizes that if Dreamz and Cassandra were to flip after the merge, they could wind up with the advantage. Even if they were to win out, and Merge at 7-3, it could wind up being 5-5. So, he goes off to inform his alliance of this, and in a Montage of Morons, we see just how truly lame his compadres ARE. Lisi is so dumb that when Alex tells her of his concerns, she mistakes it for good news and says, "Cool," in a "I don't really like to listen to people who aren't me talk, but I know I'm supposed to" way. Then he goes to Stacy and when she hears his fears, she sticks her fingers in her ears and insists, "NO! I can't listen to this! THey are NOT cool enough to hang out with us and we don't have to work with them AT ALL! AAAAAAHHHH. I'm going to make more coffee, 'kay?" And of course, what do you expect form a grown man who prefers to be called Boo? "But...we want them all gone, right?" The vibe is very "Of Mice and Men," between the two. Finally, ALex goes to Edgardo, who totally gets what Alex is saying and is sick of the girls and their power trips. Alex calls a meeting to suck up to Cassandra and Dreamz, who both smile and nod as he and the others try to sell them on the "We're all a team!" lie. Stacy is especially patronizing and insincere, "So we're totally solid, right? Right," and enamored enough with herself to believe that the outsiders are just so honored to be asked to be used and then thrown away by such an attractive person as herself that they won't see what's really going on. But they do :) Dreamz tells us very matter-of-factly, "As soon we Merge, me and Cassandra are switching to the other side." He delights in the prospect of revealing HIS strategy to Cosa Nostra, when the time comes. Heh. Me too. Karma's a bizzle, y'all!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE...GUESS WHO WINS :(

Earl returns. The game is a giant game of "Concentration," where numbers and symbols are flipped over, and you try to get a match and you have to try and remember where everything is. Seems to me this should be easier than teams make it, like since it's a team competition, you could divide up the "board" and make people responsible for a certain section, right? I mean, they're allowed to confer before the individual player goes out to flip the easels. Lisi LITERALLY falls flat on her face as she goes out, and I almost hate myself for being so petty and enjoying it so very very much. Almost. The game is really close, and then Moto even loses a turn because the deal is, the players go out one at a time, and once they're out on the field, they can't get any help, and Moto forgets this detail, probably because they've been so pampered they they think they're above the law. But, in the end, the minds of Ravu have been weakened as much as their bodies and they just can't remember in the clutch. Cassandra make a rather big deal about flipping over the winning card, but I'll forgive that since she needs Immunity just as much as anyone on Ravu (Cassandra, dubbed "weak" by everyone and his mother last week, turned rather impressive performances at both Challenges this week).

DEJA RAVU

Sigh. So, Ravu has to decide...sigh...who to vote out this time. Sigh. Rocky, who failed to make the final pair, takes responsibility, but also suggests that they try not to talk all at once during the challenges, because it's confusing. If that sounds familiar, it's because it was Sylvia's "bossy" advice to the tribe days earlier. Anthony is still a major target, but in an interesting turn of events, Rocky, who seemed to loathe Anthony just the other day, lobbies others to oust Rita instead. Mookie is weary of the team's chaotic and selfish approach to all things.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Everyone is supremely disappointed at coming SO close to winning and still coming up short. Rocky's tribe mates give him a pass for bonking on the last pair, believeing that they confused him. Words confuse Rocky. Jeff asks Rita what everyone talks about around camp, and a painfully mistaken Rita chirps that her stories of lip gloss and eyeliner are keeping her team entertained, as eyes roll to her left and right. Then Yau-man busts out his bumper-sticker ready personal motto--you just KNEW Yau-man had a personal motto, right? "Love many, trust few, do wrong to none." Good luck with that last one, dude. Rita goes down 4-2, leaving Michelle as the tribe's last remaining woman. As Yau-man writes down Rita's name, he explains, in his "Indiana Jones" villain voice, "It comes down to who is the most disposable. Nothing personal." I'm trying to imagine being called disposable and not taking personal...and I CAN'T. THen Jeff tells them, "It's really good that you guys haven't lost the will to live--I mean, to win, after all the many injustices and indignaties we've heaped upon you this season because things may be getting better sooner than you THINK." And then he winks at them. Shake-up tonight, let's hope it dooms Stacy or Lisi first. Oh, and since there's only four girls left and I despise two of them, now would be as good a time as any to have that all-male final four we've never had, I'm just saying.

Rita is evicted in 14th place. In Season One, hostile lawyer Stacey sued the show, she was so upset about her ouster. My dad despised her, and once she was ousted, never felt the need to watch "Survivor" ever again. In the Outback, Tina backstabbed her pal, the ever-crooning Mad Dog. Ya gotta break some eggs to make a cake, Tina would tell you. In Africa, Carl the Dentist was booted by the lazy 20-somethings, who felt judged because he had, like, a car and a career and stuff. Ironically, next season's 14th place finisher was a lazy, 20-something dentist named Jed, one of Thailand's many, many forgettable faces. In the Amazon, Daniel's lack of balance--and ambition, got him the heave-ho from the man-tribe and in the Pearl Islands, female Boy Scout Lill was mercifully sent packing but CBS would cruelly, and stupidly bring her back and ALMOST give the whiny martyr the frickin' Million dollars and the title of Sole Survivor. Gah! Worst decision by the producers in Survivor history--until this have and have-not mess, anyway. In Vanuatu, Brady, the hunky FBI Agent went on the show without permission, and after his eviction, was given a basement office and put in charge of the "X-Files." Or something. In Palau, Willard the lawyer pretended to be Willard the mailman so he'd be better liked. He wasn't. In Guatemala, Smart Brian baited arrogant "Golden Boy" Blake into offending his tribemates with his off-color ramblings and in Exile Island, Misty the flirty scientist couldn't break-up her tribe's Boy's Club. Last season, Cristina the cop was seen as too bossy by her tribe's power clique.

EVICTED SURVIVOR FUN FACT

Rita competed in the Miss Venezuela pageant (she moved to the US at age 8 and then returned to South America). She also appears in the 1990 Steven Seagal film, "Marked for Death." She's also 38--anyone else think she was a lot younger? It's the power of lip gloss, don't knock it!

Peace out! Christine :D