Survivor 11.5 "I tried to bang it, it wouldn't bang."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

My sister Jen and I watched an old episode of S.W.A.T. last night, circa 1975. I love all those late 60's-early 70's cop shows because they're all the same: establishment triumphs over evil hippies. Dragnet 69 is the best of this sub-genre, but this S.W.A.T. was pretty classic. I mean, it was terribly boring and it didn't make a lot of sense, but it was also AWESOME. The head S.W.A.T. guy is your typical 70's cut-rate John Wayne type who has all the answers, making the rest of the allegedly elite storm squad look like a bunch of well-meaning but dumb kids, which I'm sure appealed to the target audience of the show, who were mistrustful of those pesky Baby Boomers. Don't worry, Silent Majority, the ones who are hippies get shot, and the ones who aren't get bossed around by Lt. "Hondo" Harrelson. The best part of the whole show was when the bad guy initiated some sort of overload to the plant that would...do...something bad, it wasn't really clear. Anyway, there was no siren, no countdown, no sign that anything was overheating or anything. The only clue to the level of peril was a gauge with an arrow that pointed to the condition level of the plant. There were four possible conditions: NORMAL (green), WARNING (yellow), DANGER (red) and...wait for it...EXPLODE (burgundy). Like I said, AWESOME. Great theme song, too. And now, onto the review...

FREAKIN' FALL OUT MAN

At Steph, Margaret is mad, sad and disappointed at Judd's quick betrayal of his old tribe. In Judd's defense, It;s not like Margaret, Cindy and Brooke were gonna keep him around a day longer past when THEY needed him. Anyway, Judd is very defensive and very loud as he preaches to Margaret about how it's "every man for himself" and that Survivor is a "cutthroat game." Then he shouts, "I don't give a flying rat's ass what people think uh me aftuh dis game." Personally, I think that's a pretty stupid thing to say in front of a bunch of people who are gonna have to choose to keep you around after the merge, you know, when your brute strength is no longer needed? Judd says he can't wait until Margaret goes home--don't get too far ahead of yourself, big boy.

SLICKS AND HICKS

At Bobby Jon, Blake is sitting by the lake, contemplating his place in the tribe and the game, "I'm like, awesome, so everyone likes to have me around, and plus Bobby Jon and I shook hands after we'd peed together, so I think I'm like, totally solid, dude. I mean, Amy and Gary and Brian are like, totally great people and everything, but if we lose immunity we're gonna have to get rid of all three of them before we'd even think about getting rid of ol' Blake here. So yeah, I think my chances to win this whole game are really freakin' sweet. You know...If this wasn't a reality show, I'd think that I just jinxed myself and that this conversation just foreshadowed my doom!"

Amy flips out when a very large flying bug won't leave her alone, "It sounded like uh helicoptuh," she laughs. Farmer Brandon is amused by City Slicker Amy's ignorance of nature's ways (i.e. she didn't know beetles could fly) and he tells us that he's more used to farmer-type people, aka rednecks. Amy meanwhile feels out of place with all the farm talk, as Brandon and Bobby Jon start talking about wheat harvesting and John Deere tractors. Brian says he wouldn't be friends with these people in real life, "THey're very TEXAS and TULSA, OKLAHOMA. I'm very blue state, very New England--they're just not my style." Brian is very fun to watch--I laughed out loud when Blake explained how he was gonna treat himself to new cowboy boots when he got home because his had duct tape on them, and Brian's, "WOW," seemed to perfectly express both his faux-concern for Blake's plight and his actual genuine shock that people anywhere talk about such things, let alone that he's suddenly amongst said people. Brian also feels out of touch with the tribe's religious sensibilities, as they all appear to be Christians except for him. "THis tribe is very religious," he explains as Sports Chick Danni leads the group in saying grace before their meal, "They thank Jesus before and after every challenge, and every meal, and I'm just not religious AT ALL, but I don't say that to anybody--what am I gonna say, "Excuse me, I don't want to thank Jesus for this meal," that'd be stupid, they'd throw me out." I hope that wouldn't be true, but it probably is. I like Smart Brian, and I hope he sticks around for awhile.

JAMIE'S CRYING

Well, the Survivor gods must've hears my mocking because at long last, the contestants finally have a reward that's worth playing for: chips, dip, margaritas and, oh yeah, a pool with a deck surrounding a shark-proof cage so the winning tribe can really cool off. The challenge is supposed to unfold like this: a player from each tribe cuts thru two thick ropes with a sharp rock ("Just the like Maya would do," Jeff gravely intones, lest we forget this season's theme) and releases two wooden handles, then a different member chops thru a log with an axe, releasing two more handles. Then the tribes run up to a turnstile and put the handles in so that four different tribe members can turn the turnstile until they crank up this wooden car all the way from the bottom of the hill. Once it's there, they jump in the car and one person, the only person who hasn't done anything yet, cuts a rope with a machete, releasing the car, which flies back down the hill with everyone in it and the first car to hit the dirt pile wins. Here's how it ACTUALLY played out: Brandon smashes the rock thru the two ropes. Jamie just can't do it. Bobby Jon chops thru the log in a jiffy. Jamie is still trying to whittle thru it. Brian, Gary, Amy and Blake crank the car up the big hill. Jamie still can't cut the ropes. Danni cuts the little rope and releases the car, and the Bobby Jons go whizzing by the Stephs screaming with joy (Bobby Jon sticks his legs out and kicks them, which for some reason really bothers Steph) as Jamie finally cuts thru the second rope. "You all wanna finish," he implores them, and when they all give him the evil eye he says, "You wanna quit?" Steph growls, "It's OVER, dumbass!" ANd then Jamie starts crying and Judd hugs him. Seriously, that's what happened. Jeff shakes his head, "Well, that was the biggest blowout since the 49ers beat the Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX. Or no, wait, since the 49ers beat the Broncos in Super Bowl XXIV. Yeah, that's it. And Jamie, it's all your fault that Steph is still a jinx--you should be ashamed of yourself. The Bobby Jons go home to find their Barbie Dream Pool, and they get drunk on Margaritas and go swimming--nice message, CBS.

BAD LOSERS

Steph points out to Jamie that Brandon seemed to be really banging the rock against the rope, as opposed to Jamie's tentative cutting. Jamie sighs, "I tried to bang it, it wouldn't bang." Well. That explains everything. I mean, Jamie got a defective rock that wouldn't bang the way Brandon's did. This is an outrage! There should be a do-over! Then Jamie sighs, "No one can cut a rope the way Brandon can. I take all the blame. Except Brandon is like a super hero of chores and my rock wouldn't bang." Lydia and Judd keep telling Jamie he did his best. Lydia because she and Jamie seem to actually be friends, and Judd because Jamie's failure only makes him duh even bigguh gun, or whatever, at camp. When Cindy casually starts discussing how she recognized Brandon's rope-cutting technique from how he used to do it in camp, Judd jumps all over her, "If you or Maaagret evuh want to step up to duh plate, by all means, do. Get us poor, oppressed, big strong guys outta duh spotlight fuh a change and shine like the stah dat you think you ah!" What an ass. Cindy notes wisely, to us, that it's not very smart to go out of your way to irritate people in a game like this. Steph seems to be uncomfortable with Judd's outburst, but she doesn't directly come to Cindy's defense. Instead, she changes the subject, Did you see Bobby Jon? I wanted to punch him, over there cheering like a frickin' girl. He's so gay, he gets so gay." Okay, Steph seriously needs to get signed up for some sensitivity training. Also, she needs to grow the hell up. Steph was one of my favorite all-time players last year, but she's reeeaally starting to grate on my nerves. She's become a big whiny crybaby, she acts like all this bad stuff is happening to her, and not the rest of her tribe, and her sense of entitlement is baffling. Here she's gotten a second chance at the adventure of a lifetime, and she can't get over a few setbacks, and she's acting like losing a couple of GAMES is this big huge life-crisis. Have a sense of humor, Steph. You're on a paid vacation in exotic Guatemala, and all this blubbering is gonna cut into your motivational-speaker cred. She does admit that she's jealous of Bobby Jon's success, but it doesn't make up for how woe-is-me she is. And I'm calling it, I know Steph has a boyfriend at home but I think she wants Bobby Jon. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. At camp, Jamie's still beating up on himself and he apologizes to everyone. Judd takes this as opportunity to take another swipe at Cindy, "Ya can't do everything, kid." Then it starts to rain, and they all stand huddled together under their poorly-designed big top style tent that doesn't divert water the way a lean would have--at least that's what Margaret told me--as Steph's voiceover moans, "I'm always on the less-abled group and the group that basically...sucks." And you're fitting right in, Steph.

NEWS FLASH: RAIN STORM NOT SYMBOLIC, HITS BOBBY JON JUST AS HARD

At Bobby Jon, everyone is huddled under an umbrella they one at the reward challenge, freezing and miserable. Well, almost everyone. Blake and Brian are somehow managing to sleep thru the downpour. Amy coins a nickname for Blake, "Golden Boy!" she sing songs, as everyone laughs. Amy tells us that Blake is one of those people who always wins, who always comes out smelling like roses. Brandon's a little more critical, "Blake talks about himself all the time," he sighs, as we're treated to a mini-montage of Blake bragging on his athletic prowess, and his ways with women. Later, we see him telling everyone that his currant girlfriend has "Double D...big boobs." I don't know what guy has this conversation in front of girls, but Blake does. When Bobby Jon says that's too big ("gross," is his exact word) Blake leers, "Bobby Jon isn't a boob man, he's a leg and ass man." Bobby Jon winces and looks uncomfortable. Then Brian tells us about how he's invented a game called "bait Blake," in which he asks Blake a question, leading to Blake telling one of his long, self-involved, often morally-suspect stories in front of Bobby Jon, Danni and Brandon, to remind them what a jerk he is, and maybe get them to vote him out should the time come. "He's just digging himself into a hole and I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure he has a shovel." I heart Smart Brian.

THE GOOD LOSER

Steph is still bitching (privately) about being on the losing tribe, and everyone's sulking, so Lydia decides to try and cheer everyone up by putting on a little show. First she sings a tribe fight song to the "Mighty Mouse" theme. No response. Then she goofs around with some fruit and starts doing a dance called the pancake, and Rafe (always eager to be included) joins in. Soon, she has everybody laughing--even Judd. I seriously expected to hear Judd saying, "Freakin' Lydia, man. She tinks she's one uh duh Solid Gold Dancuhs or somethin'" But no, Judd seemed to be enjoying himself. My opinion of Lydia went waaay up here, because I think it took a lot of guts to act like an idiot in front of all those gloomy jerks until she won them over, and I'm so sick of everybody else's sour moods. You go, Lydia.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jeff comments that the Bobby Jons all seem happy and the Stephs all seem sad. I can't quite figure out if Danni was trying to give the Stephs a little poke when she told Jeff, "Sunning by the pool has really brought us together." I've grown to like Danni, but I think she was being a tad bratty there. Jamie sniffs, "We're angry cuz we haven't won, we're not smiling 'til we git a win." Jeff sighs, "Well, this challenge is all about teamwork and working together so you're screwed, Jamie." Turns out, they're not. The game has one player shooting balls out of a chute, while threeplayer teams run around with a net trying to catch them. The three people have to work as one, and they can catch either temas balls, and the first tribe to catch 5 balls, wins. Just like the Maya did. Oh, wait. No. Not this time. I think the last time we saw this game was in Thailand. Anyway, Brian and Lydia are the shooters. Bobby Jon, Gary and Danni are one team, and the catch 2 balls, while Brandon, Blake and Amy catch 0. Zip. Margaret Cindy and Jamie catch only 1, but it doesn't matter becasue Judd, Steph and Rafe catch 4, and the Stephs win immunity. At one point Steph plows into Bobby Jon and knocks him over, on purpose, so he won't catch the ball. And because she wants to be close to him and it's the only way she knows how. C'mon, you know I'm right. After their victory, Jamie starts screaming, "Who's smiling now? Who's smiling now?" And Bobby Jon screams back, "AAHHHHHHH!" Bobby Jon is very primal, I guess it's a male-tosterone thing.

SMART BRIAN DOES IT AGAIN

At camp, Danni is cimplaining aboput Jamie. She heard Jamie say "WHo's a baller now?" As in, a superior athlete, I guess. I think Jamie was more yelling about Jeff's calling them out before the challenge, but the damage has been done and Jamie is now persona non grata at Bobby Jon. Brandon drawls, "I wanted to say "Jamie, why don't you just shut up and go cut a rope." Hee. Gary gets all fatherly and reasons, "I think we saw all the frustration over that rope come out at today's challenge," and Danni and Brandon kick the dirt and mutter, "I guess yer raaht, pa." Bobby Jon is fuming, "There's a way to win, and a way to lose." Then he explains to Brian that Jamie is from Georgia, which makes him a sworn enemy of Alabama boy Bobby Jon." Brian once again brillinatly feigns interest in Bobby Jon's Red State ways. Gary and Brian plot against Blake, and Gary tries to sway Bobby Jon. Bobby Jon is growing weary of Blake's bluster but he's torn because he and Blake did make a very unsanitary promise not to vote each other out. But, Bobby Jon also trusts Gary's judgement, "He's smart, and he knows about team unity." Now, that's an interesting thing to say, no? I think Bobby Jon knows that Gary is a former pro-football player, either becasue Gary told him, or becasue he believes Danni. Not that I...care about that whole stupid secret subplot...no, REALLY. I...don't. Crap. Anyway, Amy and Gary then lobby Danni, and promise her that they don't have any existing alliances with the old members of their tribe. They insist they want to start fresh, and think geting rid of Blake will help the new team gel. Danni agrees, but she can't sway Brandon, who is worried they might get played if they lose their numbers advantage. Danni is ready for Blake to go though, even if she has to be the lone swing vote, "I like the guy, but it's typical frat boy stuff, and I don't like that stuff AT ALL." Yay! Once again, Brian manages to get his way despite odds--this time, saving himself.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

In a pretty boring recap-style Tribal Council, Jeff goes over Blake's "Golden Boy" nickname (which he thinks is cool, becasue it means people are talking about him, I'm sure), about how he was gasping for breath at the start of the game, and Blake goes on and on about having the wind knocked out of his sails but now it's back and he's ready to ride it out til the end. Amy reiterates that her loyalty is to this new tribe, not to the old one and Brian lobbies to be kept around as well. When Jeff asks Bobby Jon if this is a tough vote for him to make, Bobby Jon says with his usual earnestness, "Every vote is hard. Everyone has fought to get here in their own way. I don't like ending somebody's dream. I like to keep the dream alive." How can you not love Bobby Jon, seriously? In the voting booth, Brian declares, "Blake, you may be the Golden Boy, but I'm platinum." Remarkable, he doesn't accent this statement with some finger-snapping. Blake is ousted 5-2, with only Brandon remaining true to him. Bobby Jon goes back on his word, but he does the right thing...I hope. If these guys wind up linking back up with Steph and getting rid of him, I'll be really ticked. In the Family Moment, Blake's creepy brother and dad smile as his stunningly gorgeous mother offers to make him his favorite pork sandwich when he comes home.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

In Blake's bio, he claims that he has been president of every organization he's ever been a part of. Well, naturally. I think it's more revealing that he lists "camoflauge" as one of his favorite colors. If I can quote Brian here, "WOW."

Blake exits in 14th place. In Season One, Stacy sued after she was evicted in this spot, claiming Mark Burnett told the other contestants to save Rudy. Also in 14th, dear Lady Mad Dog rhapsodized about her friendship with Tina mere moments before Tina knifed her in the back. Carl the Dentist was vanquisehed by the lazt youth who envied his success, Noble and Good Hunter Ellis was dispatched by Chachi and his minnions, Boring Jed the Dentist was dumped for being lazy, Rare Asian Contestant Daniel was booted for not performing, Whiny Pathetic Lill was put out of our misery here, and then they betrayed all of us by letting her back in to almost win the whole damn thing--not cool. In Vanuatu, Hunky FBI agent Brady was sent packing, and last year cranky Willard got sent home before anyone could learn that he was a lawyer, not a mailman like he claimed.

Tonight: At Steph, I'd love to see Judd go, but rats, they still need his strength and will undoubtedly dump Margaret or Cindy, probably Margaret. At Bobby Jon things get tricky. I don't think Brandom, Bobby Jon and Danni will budge this time, so I predict self-proclaimed ruthless player Brian will flip on Amy and send her home. It will be painful. I like everyone on Bobby Jon now, I'd rather not lose any of them.

Peace Out! :D
Christine

Survivor 11.4 "They gotta get outta my jungle, man."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

I got my new bigger, full-color TV Guide, and I hate to admit this, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I hate the size, it no longer fits snugly on the corner of my coffee table, but the large grids really are easier to read (man that makes me sound old). Please don't tell the people at TV Guide this yet, I'm still mad at them

The Amazing Race Family Edition should be called, The Amazing Race, Mean People Edition. There's this one scruffy NASCAR family from Florida, a mom and her three kids, and the dad was recently killed in a track accident. Anyway, all the other families hate them and maybe the mom is a little "loopy" at times, and yeah, the kids get really emotional at times and okay, they were being obnoxious on that one bus trip but these hateful people just keep sneering and complaining and inventing rudeness and scheming on their part that they did not do. And for the Screamy Jersey family to accuse them of "losing it" and "melting down"? Um, what? Worse was when those horrible, evil Gaghan twerps commented about how the family was crying, and smug Mr. Gaghan snickered, "Good." Yeah, really nice parenting, although considering they didn't tell their kids not to taunt another group earlier in the game, I shouldn't be surprised. I also don't like that they're STILL in America....I'm hanging on by a thread, CBS. My only consolation is that these people are now at home watching themselves on TV, and I hope they feel like the terrible people that they ARE. >:(

FREAKIN' MOSQUITOS, MAN

Survivor Yavin is so boring. HOW BORING IS IT? Even the monkeys are sleeping through it. At Bobby Jon, everyone is hot, tired, hungry and miserable, and also, they're being attacked by many vicious mosquitos. The tribe opts to combat their problems with a one-two punch of laziness and sorrow. Mean Farmer Brandon, whose face is inexplicably beat to hell, drawls, "If WE'RE suffering this bad over here in the good campsite, with the superior team, I can only imagine it must be WAY worse over at that other tribe." Mmmm, not really.

FISH CATCHING JAMBOREE!! :D

At Steph, the gang is fishing as a tribe! Yay! They use corn meal at the bottom of a bucket to catch minnows. I hope this isn't the extent of Lydia's fish monger expertise, because that's how I used to catch pollywogs at the creek when I was 7. Rafe gushes, "Gary and I are an unstoppable fishing machine!" Rafe and Gary almost sounds like "Ace and Gary," Saturday Night Live's Ambiguously Gay Duo, although Gary isn't gay and Rafe isn't really that ambiguous. Then everyone marvels at a nearby crocodile, and some minnows try to get some payback by biting Jamie's toes.

BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE...

Jeff gathers the Survivors for a little innocent fun--no challenge, just a little game, in which contestants will be asked to answer some allegedly revealing information about their tribe. Or, that's what he implied, but it was all a ploy. I was hoping for some really hurtful honesty. On the second season of ABC's much missed "The Mole" (hosted by Anderson Cooper), the players were all asked to complete a survey, and one of the questions was "Who do you dislike the most," or something, and everyone was mortified when the results were made public. Anyway, at the elimination ceremony (contestants had to guess who among them was the show's titular saboteur by answering a detailed questionnaire, and the person who was the most wrong about the Mole, went home) Anderson offered this least-liked person, Elavia, $50,000 to leave the game in place of the person who should have been eliminated, and she stunned everyone by taking it. It turned out to be super important because in the finale, we learned that the person who WOULD have gone home that night was the person who wound up winning the whole game. It was awesome. Anyway, this wasn't nearly as awesome as all that, but in a way it was, because it suckered the Survivors into a false sense of being Rewarded...

Jeff tells them that this will be a nice treat, in honor of their having survived "what is arguably the toughest Survivor ever!" I would be one of those arguing, because I think Africa was way harder, it was just as hot, and the only nearby water was rank and bug-infested--and oh yeah, they had to drink that water, too. Jeff warns the tribes that their answers will have a "direct effect" on their tribe mates. No one can vote for themselves. First question: Who on your tribe is most in need of some nourishment? Jamie wins for Steph, Danni from Bobby Jon, and each wins a juicy apple. Bobby Jon and Gary are named the smelliest, and each wins a shower. For some reason, CBS felt it necessary to point a camera directly over Gary's head, so they had to fuzz out his nether-regions. Um, unless he's got "Dallas Cowboy for LIFE!" tattooed on his wiener, I hardly see the relevance. It also made Jeff's saying, "Margaret, you have shower envy," seem really dirty. Then the men put their stinky clothes back on and rejoin their tribe mates, who sniff them the way dogs do. Dignity people, dignity! The next prize is a picnic atop a really high Mayan Pyramid for the most-deserving man and woman from each tribe. Gary and Amy go from Steph, and Judd and Margaret go from Bobby Jon. Amy is very emotional and touched by her tribe's vote of love, and then when Jeff brings out the veiled picnic basket she cynically barks, "What is it, a tarantula?" Jeff seems miffed as he reveals fried chicken, potato salad, cookies and iced tea. Jeff sends them off on their trek and tells them they are not allowed to bring anything back for the others.

And then the REAL fun begins. Jeff asks each tribe to nominate one person who "has the most tribe spirit." The effusive Brian is a no-brainer for the Stephs, while Cindy is kind of a surprise (for me, anyway) from the Bobby Jon's. Jeff then reveals that these two people will be staying at their ORIGINAL tribes, the rest all switch. The picnickers will return to their original tribes as well, AND, because Bobby Jon had an extra member, they have to draw buffs and one more member of Bobby Jon will stay with their old tribe. This turns out to be Survivor non-entity Brooke, who, it turns out, seals her fate by pulling out a yellow buff...of DEATH. Fortunately, Bobby Jon and Steph do not wind up on the same tribe :)

NEW STEPH: Steph, Lydia, Rafe, Jamie, Judd, Margaret, Cindy and Brooke
NEW BOBBY JON: Bobby Jon, Brandon, Blake, Danni, Brian, Gary and Amy

FREAKIN' SPECTACULAR VIEW, MAN

Gary, Judd, Margaret and Amy have a boring picnic. Margaret is surprised to learn Gary is NOT a former NFL football player, wink wink., and Gary says, "No, I mean, I wish that were true, I mean, what man WOULDN'T wish he'd been one of the elite few who actually got to pursue such a lofty goal, but no, I'm just Gary Hawkins, a mere mortal, like the rest of you poor schlubs." Policewoman Amy is suspicious of Gary's denials, and claims she'll kill him if she finds out he's really "a retired multimillionaire." Keep your knife sharpened, Amy, that's all I'm saying.

LET'S PRETEND

At New Bobby Jon, everyone pretends to be happy with the new arrangements, even though they're all freaked out. Brian plays host as they chomp on some fruit that CBS gave them to soften the blow, and keep them from getting rickets. Bobby Jon urges Brian to join them in not working very hard, so they can all be strong for challenges. Amy and Gary arrive from their picnic of lies and also pretend not to be ticked off at being a sudden minority in their own home as Bobby Jon quips, "Here's Johnny!" I thought that was genuinely clever--he ain't dumb, he's just soft-spoken. And sort of crazy. Amy cannot contain her potty mouth, "Get the #$*! outta here! What the #$*! is goin' on?" She barks. TO us she laments, "We're decimated here, decimated!" Then it appears that Gary actually leads a "What does everybody do for a living back in the world," discussion, and yet again, he feigns surprise at the very idea that he ever played pro ball. When he asks Danni who she thought he was, Danni says, "Oh, I thought you played for Central Michigan." Which made my opinion of Danni the sports radio chick increase by like, a billion, because who on earth would know where Gary Hogeboom went to college? I suppose he was probably actually a great college QB, despite his mediocrity at the pro level. Anyway, Gary insists that he WENT to Central Michigan, but didn't play sports there. Since Danni is way to young to have gone to college at the same time Gary did, I presume Gary had already told people he went to Central Michigan, because admitting she's right about his college just makes her look, well, right. Amy looks at Danni, as if to gauge her reaction to Gary's denial, and Danni shoots her a "Girl, I'm right," look, but Danni doesn't push the issue. Gary vows to keep his past a secret, blah blah blah.

JUDD, THE JERSEY JUDAS

A giant kick-ass praying mantis rubs his hands in delight at the prospect of the betrayal that's about to unfold at New Steph. Margaret nervously assures Judd that she's confident that they along with Brooke and Cindy will stand firm against the new four joining the tribe. Judd could care less. He's thrilled to be rid of Bobby Jon, Blake, and Brandon, "We had a kinda male-tosterone thing, now I'm the big gun here. I feel like King Kong!" He beats his chest like an ape, causing the howler monkey to howl in protest--or maybe he just mistook Judd for his lost brother. Later, Steph and Jamie sit atop the ruins and plot. They're targeting Brooke, who they believe is the weak link, along with Lydia, but they need her at the moment, if they're going to maintain a numbers advantage over their new tribemates. Jamie has apparently wised up and decided to work with Steph and not against her. Steph says they shouldn't push the issue of trying to get someone to flip over to their side, they should just let it happen naturally. She believes that Judd and she share a "Jersey connection" *Sopranos theme plays* and speak of the devil, Judd saunters up, leaking information like a human sieve. THey tell him they're thinking of targeting either Lydia or Brooke if they lose immunity, and ask him who he's in tight with, and of course, Judd hates everybody so the answer's nobody. Steph tells him that Rafe and Lydia will vote however they're told and that Judd will be safe sticking with them. He agrees to join them and tells us he has no problem turning on Brooke and the others, "I didn't feelin' the love dere, man. Dere was no love dere, man. They gotta get outta my jungle, man." I think Judd is kinda crazy too. But he's good television, and that's why we're here, right?

LET'S PEE ON IT!

Amy is fretting because not only is she on the short-handed side of the tribe, but she's got a bum ankle. Her ankle is still hurt and swollen, but she's trying hard to keep that a secret. However, she's already been pegged as the weak link by Bobby Jon and Blake. Bobby Jon discuss strategy while peeing, and then seal their allegiance by shaking hands. Immediately after peeing. Without washing their hands, or even wiping them on their clothes or anything. Truly gross, and I don't know where the "pee promise" ranks, but well below a blood oath or a spit swear, I would think.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

New Steph has decorated the Immunity Idol with a yellow feather, which does not impress New Bobby Jon. The challenge has the teams--you guessed it, paddling around some buoys to get some bags of hammer things, which, upon disembarking, they will hurl at ceramic targets that are placed 30, 40 and 50 ft. away. Surprise, surprise, Lydia sits out for New Steph. The Steph's get a huge lead during the boat part, but of course, they lose it. Not because of Steph, though she does a great job breaking the closest target, but Judd struggles. So does Brian on the other team, but Brian listens to his team when they implore him to tag out. Judd doesn't. He's getting more and more tired and frustrated, but he's so determined to be "duh big hero," that he refuses to let someone else on the course until he succeeds, which allows Danni to break her target and Blake to break his, so now the Stephs are down 2-1. Judd finally breaks his target, but Jamie can't win it. Farmer Brandon scores the winning blow for New Bobby Jon in yet another really close finish between the teams. I was thrilled because it saved Amy and she's become one of my real favorites this season :)

DEJA SO WHAT?

Steph gives her same speech about how the teams will now be even, so they haven't really lost anything--which is a pretty insensitive thing to say in front of whoever the heck you're gonna vote out. It's also kinda arrogant. Anyway, Steph tells Jamie she feels good about Judd's defection, "He can't stand Margaret or...whatshername...Brooke." Yes, even the people who've met her in person don't remember her, so don't feel bad. Margaret, Cindy and Brooke seem to believe that Lydia is the target. Just to be sure, Margaret takes Judd aside and tells him she'd like the old tribe to hold together. Judd tells her he thinks Lydia and Brooke are equally weak players, and it doesn't really matter to him who goes first. Margaret puts on her most patronizing tone, "No, Judd, if they get rid of Brooke then we're down 4-3 and they can pick us off one by one, you idiot." Judd is confident that he will be kept around and Margaret continues to treat him like a child and tell him that they could just USE him for his strength, to get to the merge, and then ditch him. Only time will tell who's right here--Margaret has a point, but you can't tell me that the girls wouldn't be just as eager to dumb Judd once things moved to individual immunity, so what does Judd really have to lose here? Judd and Steph gather to firm up Judd's new allegiance, but Brooke saunters over to quell the discussion and just generally awkward things up. Steph lamely blurts out, "It's freaking HOT, man," to try to cover.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff finally dares to suggest that Steph, with her 1-7 record in challenges this season, and a 4-21 record lifetime, may in fact be less a victim of circumstance and more of a jinx. Steph sighs, "I'd like to think I'm not bad luck because that would suck." Then Jeff asks Margaret if she noticed anyone moving away from the old tribal lines to form new ones and she huffs, "Yes Jeff, I was VERY disappointed to note that Judd went over to talk to Jamie and Steph right away and I hope he's not about to do something really stupid, but that would be just like Judd." Judd splutters with guilt, "We were jut talking, man, I sweah! We was just gettin' tuh know each othuh--shootin' duh breeze an' all dat." Then Lydia confides that she's worried she might go home tonight because her tribe doesn't know her "true strengths" yet. Well, hurry up Lydia, you're running out of time. Brooke complains that the game favors those with brute strength, which puts women advantage, and then Judd get all "The Bachelor" on us, and starts talking about how he knows right away when he's made "a connection" with people. It is clear that he's chosen to change lanes. Lydia gets three votes, but Brooke gets the remaining five. In her exit speech, Brooke seems awfully chipper, considering she has a knife wedged in her back--I think she must be relieved. Brooke was such a non-entity in the game, it felt like a non-elimination leg of "The Amazing Race." In her Survivor Family Moment, her parents and brother try to be clever and do a scripted bit, but the Aunt Pat's directing is lousy and they come off stiff.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Well, Brooke's last name is Struck, and that alone is pretty cool. But, as a fellow reality nerd, I gotta give mad props to anyone who'd actually admit on the heavily-trafficked CBS website that "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica" is one of their favorite shows. She seems like a nice girl--it's a shame I will spend many a future review trying to convince you all that a girl named Brooke ever played Survivor...

Brooke leaves us in 15th place, joining cranky old B.B. who asked to be voted out, and Kel who I used to say was wrongly accused of smuggling beef jerky by Jerri. But after reading where Jeff Probst said people try to smuggle food every season, and he thinks Kel DID smuggle it in, I'm leaning to saying Kel was voted out WHEN he smuggled in food. In Africa, CBS was disappointed when their answer to J.Lo, Jessie, was voted out for being weak and pukey. Patricia was bossy and started demanding to be called "mamma," Tanya was another pretty young thing who vomited more than she contributed. In the Amazon, Janet was also voted out after having been accused of smuggling food and in the Pearl Islands, Nerd Ryan gave 100%, but his tribe demanded the fictitious 110% so he was cut loose. Loud, abrasive mean Mia was stabbed in the back in a delicious stunner, and last season, lazy Kim said bye bye.
Sorry for the delay :)

Peace! :D
Christine

Survivor 11.3 "The most annoyingest noise I heard in my entire life."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Before we begin the Survivor review, I'd like to share with you a strange obsession of mine: music infomercials. They're usually Time Life. They always have several elements in common: A music celebrity paired with an unknown "spokesmodel" type, testimonials by "real" people, who express that the music takes them back to a happy time in their lives, and a script that always has the celebrity and spokesmodel talking about how much money you'd waste if you tried to get all these great songs on your own. Between all this, we see footage from televised performances of the various groups and singers whose songs are on the collection. This can be really cool, especially when the collection involves the 60's and 70's, because they had all those variety shows with wacky motifs. Anyway, I find them hypnotic, and will watch them over and over, whenever they're on. I've seen Superstars of Country (hosted by some lady and Kenny Rogers) like, 6 times. There's something oddly comforting about them, at least to me, but as you already know, I am a weirdo. I urge you to join me...

LYDIA V. BRIANNA, PART ONE

Anyone else waiting for this season to get fun? Seems all anybody does on this show is complain. Even Lydia, who's allegedly thrilled to still be there after her near-ouster, is complaining that Brianna should have gone home instead of Morgan. A fair statement, considering Brianna was one of the players who failed in the sandbag challenge. Brianna and Lydia attempt to talk about the weather, but it's too much for them. Brianna barely suppresses a cold sneer when she tells us, "Lydia just isn't my cup of tea." Yup, Brianna's kind of a bitch. Meanwhile, Brian is enamored with himself, and how he single-handedly save Lydia the night before. He didn't so much bend everyone to his will as tip them in a direction they actually wanted to go, but whatever, Brian's happy and that goes a long way with me right now. As he chipperly tells us that he'd gladly oust Lydia today so long as it furthered his own game, I found myself thinking, "He may be evil, but at least he's having fun!"

FREAKIN' HOWLER MONKEYS, MAN

A very loud howler monkey has camped on a tree branch right above the Bobby Jons camp, and has kept most of the tribe up most nights with his loud, honking howl. Like, well, everything else, this annoys Judd.

FREAKIN CINDY, MAN

Cindy the zoo keeper makes matters worse, in Judd's perpetually gloomy mind, by trying to empathize with the monkey, and explain his behavior. She tells the tribe that the monkey has lost his group and she tells us, "How can I complain about being woken up by howler monkeys in Guatemala? People pay money to do that!" Word. I like Cindy. Judd whines, "Cindy's all, He lost his bruthuh. She's like freakin Dr. Doolittle, man. Then he declares that the monkey is "the most annoyingest noise I heard in my entire life." And Judd's a New Yorker, so that's saying something.

LAME REWARD CHALLENGE

Jeff gathers the weary Survivors, "For today's reward, you're gonna have to be blindfolded and wander around trying not to kill yourselves while one person yells orders at you so that you can haul a bunch of crap back here. Then, once you gather all this stuff, you have to construct a really neat archeologists tent. The winning tribe gets to take home some crap Mark Burnett found in the back of his Land Rover--a couple old blankets and pillows and a lantern. Worth playing for?" The groups seem to hesitate, "That's a rhetorical question, right?" someone mutters. A hand goes up from the back, "Um, can we keep the really cook archeologists tent?" "NO!" Gary volunteers to call for the Stephs, "I'm used to yelling out plays to my guys over the noise of thousands of screaming fans, so I should be well- suited...er...I mean, I'll do it. No reason, but I'll do it." Brooke of Bobby Jon offers, "I'll do it, just so Christine will finally know who the hell I am." Gary and Brooke do a wonderful job--seriously, the best job I've ever seen on the Survivor blindfolded-yelling challenge. Usually you have people tripping over one another and you always have at least one group standing at the edge of the playing field like a stuck turtle, yelling, "Where are we supposed to go?" But this one went very smoothly, except for Judd kept whacking Danni in the head with whatever he was carrying--freakin' Danni and her big head, man. The Stephs start the tent building with a pretty big lead, but they lose it and they suffer another close loss and they're all demoralized, but they shouldn't be because it was such a lame reward.

GIRL TALK

The girls of Tribe Steph gather at the edge of the lake to bathe and listen to Steph bemoan their latest loss. She tells us that the tent-build was a big, "cluster...mess." Man, people on Survivor sure want to say "cluster bleep." Again, I had no idea it was such a popular phrase. Amy picks up most of the girl's spirits by comedically lamenting the sorry state of he wardrobe and their general bad hygiene. When Steph recommends boiling her clothes, Amy barks, "I can't believe I'm living like this! We got no soap, we're brushing' ah teeth with a tree, usin' leaves fuh toilet paper." Lydia teases her back by reminding her that they're in paradise, and Steph and Amy point out that they can't even go swimming because of the crocodiles. The only one not having any fun with all this is stuck-up Brianna, who just sits there with her smile-sneer looking uncomfortable. Amy assures us that despite all her complaining and her lack of outdoor experience, she'll never quit, "You'd haftuh stick needles in my eyeballs, I'd still nevuh give up!" We'll see if she eats those words in next week's "Needle in the Eyeball" Reward Challenge, in which contestants stick needles in their eyeballs in order to win a sewing kit and some burlap sacks.

HEMINGWAY WOULD BE PROUD

Brooke tells us that the tribe wants to build a better shelter, but they're gonna wait until the heat passes. Seeing as how it's summer and they're in Guatemala, that should be at exactly Never O'Clock. It's so hot, that several of the tribe members decide to go for a swim, crocs be damned. Zoo keeper Cindy takes a pass, as does Margaret. When Blake decides to bail at the last minute, Margaret coos, "It's all right, if Blake doesn't want to go, it's fine." It's also emasculating, Margaret, stop coddling Blake, he's not your baby boy, he's a grown man. Jeez-o. Bobby Jon, Brandon, Judd and Danni all go out. I didn't actually see if Danni went in, but the rest of them did. Cindy makes like Discovery Channel and frets that the gang thinks they're safe by being out in the middle of the lake, but that's where the crocs have gone too--they're in the cooler water to regulate their body temperature. Brandon crows, "The brave may not live long, but the cautious don't live at all." I have to books of quotations, and couldn't find this in either, so I don't know who originally said it.. It sure as hell wasn't Farmer Brandon. It's probably a Nike slogan. Anyway, to paraphrase the great philosopher Han Solo, swimming in a lake infested with crocodiles ain't exactly my idea of courage--it's more like suicide. But Brandon insists he's never felt more alive in his whole life, RAH! Boys can be so strange.

MMMMMM, TERMITES

Back at Steph, Brianna crushes their dried corn into a paster, insisting that doing this small chore makes her an asset to the tribe. Steph describes the tribe's only meal option as "like oatmeal, only not as good." Yee. Rafe then tells us that it's so bland that putting dirt in it would be an improvement, a fact I'm quite certain Rafe knows from experience since he'll eat anything. He later tries to convince the group to eat termites, and Steph jokes that she will stop being Rafe's friend if he continues to eat these disgusting bugs, "At least cook the damn things first, instead of eating them alive." Rafe claims they taste okay, and insists they need the protein. Upon hearing this, a protein-laden frog hops hurriedly away. The Stephs better hope a gross-out food competition is on the horizon, so Rafe's talents don't go to waste.

FREAKIN MAAAAGRET, MAN

The Bobby Jon are now ready to put up their new and improved shelter. They do seem to have a tarp that the other tribe doesn't, so maybe they did get to keep that part of the tent from the challenge, I'm not sure. As the group works, a critical Margaret insists on bossing the boys around, and you can guess how ell THAT goes over. bobby Jon pouts, "We don't need a supervisor, this things supposed to be fun." Well Bobby Jon, we're ALL waiting for this thing to be fun, so lighten up a little. Please? Margaret mocks the men's efforts, smirking as she tells us, "It's supposed to be a lean, but it looks more like a circus big top. Am I impressed? No answer." Um. Are they supposed to be impressing you? Even if she's right and the tent is craptacular, her attitude is way worse and doesn't help her standing in the tribe. Margaret's heroics appear to have a 7 day shelf-life, as even Bobby Jon, whom she nursed back to health, is sick of her listening to her. He goes of with Judd to gather wood and rag on Margaret, and Judd once again chafes at her "playin' the mutha hen role," Judd goes on, "Freakin Maaaagret, man, stahted to bahk orders to soon. No one's gonna tell me what to do. Only people who do are my boss and my wife."

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Lydia is worried about being on "the chopping block" again, a phrase she's used at least 97 times in the first three episodes alone and its beginning to irrationally annoy me. "Hopefully I'll be a star out there," she says. Mmmmm, yeah. Not so much, it turns out. The tribes adorn themselves with body paint and feathers in order to take part in a game of 3 on 3 corkball, like basketball, only you play on top of a net and the only way to advance the ball is to pass it, you can't run or dribble or anything like that, and you need to shoot it into this hoop. First team to five points, wins. I won't belabor this one, by explaining how each point goes. FYI, Blake is still having trouble breathing, but he does fine, I'm sure due to his hours and hours of resting back at camp. Gary is still an ex-NFL quarterback, but it mercifully doesn't come up, except that when Jeff says, "You guys are playing GREAT," Gary whips around and glares at him as though he'd said, "Way to go, ex-Dallas Cowboy Gary Hogeboom." Settle down, Gary. Even people who've never played professional sports can do well in an athletic competition. Strange, I know, but true. Later, Jeff shouts, "Now we're doing it like the MAYA did!" Yeah. This is how the Mayans played corkball, in tennis shoes, with "Hi Mom and Dad" written on their stomachs. And once again, CBS blithely compares tonights vote-out with the actual human sacrifice that occurred in Mayan culture. Anyway, things are even at first, and Rafe, who wimped it up last time really proves his mettle this time, as he fights for the ball and plays well with his team. Sucking hardcore are Lydia, and her arch rival Brianna. Lydia at leasts tries, but she didn't listen to the rules and runs with the ball, causing a costly turnover. Brianna just literally stand in the corner of the net doing absolutely nothing,as her tribe shouts angrily for her to get into a position where she can help the team--even Jeff yells at her. Amy turns her ankle on the unforgiving net. Steph tries to explain to a clueless Lydia and Brianna what a "pick" is, hoping to win a point with a designed play since they sure as hell can't win on talent. But Brianna once again parks herself on the sidelines and is no help, and the Stephs are defeated.

DEJA BOO HOO

Steph complains, "Yeah. Here we go again, right? I'm on this tribe that doesn't seem to be very good at winning in the beginning and somebody sprains their ankle. It's horrible. I've already been here, I've already done this, I can't do it again." Well, you're one of a very small number of people who've gotten to be on Survivor once, and you're in the even smaller minority of having gotten to be on it TWICE. Settle down, Steph, I wanna root for you, but the woe-is-me is wearing thin. She gets me back on her side when she physically demonstrates how she "literally" had to pull Brianna's head our of her butt. Steph may not know what literally means, but she is quite funny. Amy's ankle is swelling, but unlike wussy Jeff from last season, she's not telling anyone to vote her out--she wants to stay, badly. Steph commiserates with Gary, and when she laments the other girls not knowing what a pick was, Gary sighs, "Lydia has never played a sport in her life. And neither have I, professionally speaking, of course. Heh. Well, back to my gathering."

LYDIA V. BRIANNA, PART TWO

Jamie assures Lydia that Brianna is as good as gone, thanks to her terrible corkball performance. He then tells us that he didn't like her since day one, because she's so prissy and cold. Then Jamie blesses us with his take on the opposite sex, "I like 'em crazy and pretty. She's neither." Lovely. I hate Brianna, but c'mom, Jamie, she's pretty. Brianna half-heartedly tries to convince Steph that she wants to stay, "Why would I be here if I didn't think I could do it?" Then she tells Steph that Lydia doesn't like her, and she doesn't like Lydia because Lydia never looks her in the eye when she's talking to her. I don't know, Jamie, she might be crazy, too. To us, Brianna confides, "I feel scared because the weak link today was...probably me." Lose the probably, and you win a cigar.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff lets Steph bitch and moan about how disappointed she is in her crap tribe, "Lydia and Brianna didn't even know what a PICK was! Can you believe that? I mean, they tried their best, but it just wasn't good enough." Just call her Steph Ditka. Brianna insists, "I tried my best, I honesty did," which is a sad commentary on a life. When Jeff points out to Lydia that unlike Brianna, she actually tried but still managed to suck, Lydia takes this as a compliment, and a testament to her hard-working, never say die attitude. Brian then insists that they may not be as athletic as the other tribe, but they are waaay better bestest friends then them, for sure. Yeah, that's relevant. Amy tells everyone not to worry about her sore ankle, it's fine. Brianna is voted out 7-1. She casts her vote to Lydia, for failing to curtsey, or whatever. Brianna's boisterous family tells her they love her in the Family Moment. The Family Moment reminds me of that scene in "Silence of the Lambs," where Clarice Starling explains to the dumb FBI cadet that the kidnapped girl's mother is saying her name over and over again so that the kidnapper might start to think of her as a person. Well, I don't want to think of Survivor contestants as people with families who love them. They are caricatures whom I get to mock, dagnabit! ;) You can't make me like them CBS, nor can you make me care about when and if people find out about Gary's "past." I won't do it! >:o

Princess Brianna is exiled in 16th place, formally known as last place. She joins Sonja, who was voted out because she was old, got hurt, and constantly played the ukulele. Also cantankerous Deb, shifty Diane of beancangate infamy, Peter who creeped everyone out when he boasted about the control he had over all his, ahem, holes, John the officious preacher, Ryan who couldn't get across the balance beam in the Amazon, not to be confused with one of the myriad other Ryan's we've had, and Nicole who tried to make a move against Tijuana and got send home instead. In Vanuatu, John P., one of the younger dudes voted out by the older fatter dudes, became the first person to finish 16th but not last. ANd last year Jeff "hurt his ankle" and quit.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

According to her CBS Bio, basketball is Brianna's favorite spectator sport, which must mean she's confused a lot because she doesn't know what a pick is. Although I've got to give it to her, she was a pretty good corkball spectator, on the court as well as off of it.

Tonight, if the Stephs lose again, Lydia is toast, she won't dodge another bullet. If the Bobby Jons go, then look for Margaret to get the boot.

Peace! :D

Christine