Survivor 11.5 "I tried to bang it, it wouldn't bang."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

My sister Jen and I watched an old episode of S.W.A.T. last night, circa 1975. I love all those late 60's-early 70's cop shows because they're all the same: establishment triumphs over evil hippies. Dragnet 69 is the best of this sub-genre, but this S.W.A.T. was pretty classic. I mean, it was terribly boring and it didn't make a lot of sense, but it was also AWESOME. The head S.W.A.T. guy is your typical 70's cut-rate John Wayne type who has all the answers, making the rest of the allegedly elite storm squad look like a bunch of well-meaning but dumb kids, which I'm sure appealed to the target audience of the show, who were mistrustful of those pesky Baby Boomers. Don't worry, Silent Majority, the ones who are hippies get shot, and the ones who aren't get bossed around by Lt. "Hondo" Harrelson. The best part of the whole show was when the bad guy initiated some sort of overload to the plant that would...do...something bad, it wasn't really clear. Anyway, there was no siren, no countdown, no sign that anything was overheating or anything. The only clue to the level of peril was a gauge with an arrow that pointed to the condition level of the plant. There were four possible conditions: NORMAL (green), WARNING (yellow), DANGER (red) and...wait for it...EXPLODE (burgundy). Like I said, AWESOME. Great theme song, too. And now, onto the review...

FREAKIN' FALL OUT MAN

At Steph, Margaret is mad, sad and disappointed at Judd's quick betrayal of his old tribe. In Judd's defense, It;s not like Margaret, Cindy and Brooke were gonna keep him around a day longer past when THEY needed him. Anyway, Judd is very defensive and very loud as he preaches to Margaret about how it's "every man for himself" and that Survivor is a "cutthroat game." Then he shouts, "I don't give a flying rat's ass what people think uh me aftuh dis game." Personally, I think that's a pretty stupid thing to say in front of a bunch of people who are gonna have to choose to keep you around after the merge, you know, when your brute strength is no longer needed? Judd says he can't wait until Margaret goes home--don't get too far ahead of yourself, big boy.

SLICKS AND HICKS

At Bobby Jon, Blake is sitting by the lake, contemplating his place in the tribe and the game, "I'm like, awesome, so everyone likes to have me around, and plus Bobby Jon and I shook hands after we'd peed together, so I think I'm like, totally solid, dude. I mean, Amy and Gary and Brian are like, totally great people and everything, but if we lose immunity we're gonna have to get rid of all three of them before we'd even think about getting rid of ol' Blake here. So yeah, I think my chances to win this whole game are really freakin' sweet. You know...If this wasn't a reality show, I'd think that I just jinxed myself and that this conversation just foreshadowed my doom!"

Amy flips out when a very large flying bug won't leave her alone, "It sounded like uh helicoptuh," she laughs. Farmer Brandon is amused by City Slicker Amy's ignorance of nature's ways (i.e. she didn't know beetles could fly) and he tells us that he's more used to farmer-type people, aka rednecks. Amy meanwhile feels out of place with all the farm talk, as Brandon and Bobby Jon start talking about wheat harvesting and John Deere tractors. Brian says he wouldn't be friends with these people in real life, "THey're very TEXAS and TULSA, OKLAHOMA. I'm very blue state, very New England--they're just not my style." Brian is very fun to watch--I laughed out loud when Blake explained how he was gonna treat himself to new cowboy boots when he got home because his had duct tape on them, and Brian's, "WOW," seemed to perfectly express both his faux-concern for Blake's plight and his actual genuine shock that people anywhere talk about such things, let alone that he's suddenly amongst said people. Brian also feels out of touch with the tribe's religious sensibilities, as they all appear to be Christians except for him. "THis tribe is very religious," he explains as Sports Chick Danni leads the group in saying grace before their meal, "They thank Jesus before and after every challenge, and every meal, and I'm just not religious AT ALL, but I don't say that to anybody--what am I gonna say, "Excuse me, I don't want to thank Jesus for this meal," that'd be stupid, they'd throw me out." I hope that wouldn't be true, but it probably is. I like Smart Brian, and I hope he sticks around for awhile.

JAMIE'S CRYING

Well, the Survivor gods must've hears my mocking because at long last, the contestants finally have a reward that's worth playing for: chips, dip, margaritas and, oh yeah, a pool with a deck surrounding a shark-proof cage so the winning tribe can really cool off. The challenge is supposed to unfold like this: a player from each tribe cuts thru two thick ropes with a sharp rock ("Just the like Maya would do," Jeff gravely intones, lest we forget this season's theme) and releases two wooden handles, then a different member chops thru a log with an axe, releasing two more handles. Then the tribes run up to a turnstile and put the handles in so that four different tribe members can turn the turnstile until they crank up this wooden car all the way from the bottom of the hill. Once it's there, they jump in the car and one person, the only person who hasn't done anything yet, cuts a rope with a machete, releasing the car, which flies back down the hill with everyone in it and the first car to hit the dirt pile wins. Here's how it ACTUALLY played out: Brandon smashes the rock thru the two ropes. Jamie just can't do it. Bobby Jon chops thru the log in a jiffy. Jamie is still trying to whittle thru it. Brian, Gary, Amy and Blake crank the car up the big hill. Jamie still can't cut the ropes. Danni cuts the little rope and releases the car, and the Bobby Jons go whizzing by the Stephs screaming with joy (Bobby Jon sticks his legs out and kicks them, which for some reason really bothers Steph) as Jamie finally cuts thru the second rope. "You all wanna finish," he implores them, and when they all give him the evil eye he says, "You wanna quit?" Steph growls, "It's OVER, dumbass!" ANd then Jamie starts crying and Judd hugs him. Seriously, that's what happened. Jeff shakes his head, "Well, that was the biggest blowout since the 49ers beat the Chargers in Super Bowl XXIX. Or no, wait, since the 49ers beat the Broncos in Super Bowl XXIV. Yeah, that's it. And Jamie, it's all your fault that Steph is still a jinx--you should be ashamed of yourself. The Bobby Jons go home to find their Barbie Dream Pool, and they get drunk on Margaritas and go swimming--nice message, CBS.

BAD LOSERS

Steph points out to Jamie that Brandon seemed to be really banging the rock against the rope, as opposed to Jamie's tentative cutting. Jamie sighs, "I tried to bang it, it wouldn't bang." Well. That explains everything. I mean, Jamie got a defective rock that wouldn't bang the way Brandon's did. This is an outrage! There should be a do-over! Then Jamie sighs, "No one can cut a rope the way Brandon can. I take all the blame. Except Brandon is like a super hero of chores and my rock wouldn't bang." Lydia and Judd keep telling Jamie he did his best. Lydia because she and Jamie seem to actually be friends, and Judd because Jamie's failure only makes him duh even bigguh gun, or whatever, at camp. When Cindy casually starts discussing how she recognized Brandon's rope-cutting technique from how he used to do it in camp, Judd jumps all over her, "If you or Maaagret evuh want to step up to duh plate, by all means, do. Get us poor, oppressed, big strong guys outta duh spotlight fuh a change and shine like the stah dat you think you ah!" What an ass. Cindy notes wisely, to us, that it's not very smart to go out of your way to irritate people in a game like this. Steph seems to be uncomfortable with Judd's outburst, but she doesn't directly come to Cindy's defense. Instead, she changes the subject, Did you see Bobby Jon? I wanted to punch him, over there cheering like a frickin' girl. He's so gay, he gets so gay." Okay, Steph seriously needs to get signed up for some sensitivity training. Also, she needs to grow the hell up. Steph was one of my favorite all-time players last year, but she's reeeaally starting to grate on my nerves. She's become a big whiny crybaby, she acts like all this bad stuff is happening to her, and not the rest of her tribe, and her sense of entitlement is baffling. Here she's gotten a second chance at the adventure of a lifetime, and she can't get over a few setbacks, and she's acting like losing a couple of GAMES is this big huge life-crisis. Have a sense of humor, Steph. You're on a paid vacation in exotic Guatemala, and all this blubbering is gonna cut into your motivational-speaker cred. She does admit that she's jealous of Bobby Jon's success, but it doesn't make up for how woe-is-me she is. And I'm calling it, I know Steph has a boyfriend at home but I think she wants Bobby Jon. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. At camp, Jamie's still beating up on himself and he apologizes to everyone. Judd takes this as opportunity to take another swipe at Cindy, "Ya can't do everything, kid." Then it starts to rain, and they all stand huddled together under their poorly-designed big top style tent that doesn't divert water the way a lean would have--at least that's what Margaret told me--as Steph's voiceover moans, "I'm always on the less-abled group and the group that basically...sucks." And you're fitting right in, Steph.

NEWS FLASH: RAIN STORM NOT SYMBOLIC, HITS BOBBY JON JUST AS HARD

At Bobby Jon, everyone is huddled under an umbrella they one at the reward challenge, freezing and miserable. Well, almost everyone. Blake and Brian are somehow managing to sleep thru the downpour. Amy coins a nickname for Blake, "Golden Boy!" she sing songs, as everyone laughs. Amy tells us that Blake is one of those people who always wins, who always comes out smelling like roses. Brandon's a little more critical, "Blake talks about himself all the time," he sighs, as we're treated to a mini-montage of Blake bragging on his athletic prowess, and his ways with women. Later, we see him telling everyone that his currant girlfriend has "Double D...big boobs." I don't know what guy has this conversation in front of girls, but Blake does. When Bobby Jon says that's too big ("gross," is his exact word) Blake leers, "Bobby Jon isn't a boob man, he's a leg and ass man." Bobby Jon winces and looks uncomfortable. Then Brian tells us about how he's invented a game called "bait Blake," in which he asks Blake a question, leading to Blake telling one of his long, self-involved, often morally-suspect stories in front of Bobby Jon, Danni and Brandon, to remind them what a jerk he is, and maybe get them to vote him out should the time come. "He's just digging himself into a hole and I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure he has a shovel." I heart Smart Brian.

THE GOOD LOSER

Steph is still bitching (privately) about being on the losing tribe, and everyone's sulking, so Lydia decides to try and cheer everyone up by putting on a little show. First she sings a tribe fight song to the "Mighty Mouse" theme. No response. Then she goofs around with some fruit and starts doing a dance called the pancake, and Rafe (always eager to be included) joins in. Soon, she has everybody laughing--even Judd. I seriously expected to hear Judd saying, "Freakin' Lydia, man. She tinks she's one uh duh Solid Gold Dancuhs or somethin'" But no, Judd seemed to be enjoying himself. My opinion of Lydia went waaay up here, because I think it took a lot of guts to act like an idiot in front of all those gloomy jerks until she won them over, and I'm so sick of everybody else's sour moods. You go, Lydia.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jeff comments that the Bobby Jons all seem happy and the Stephs all seem sad. I can't quite figure out if Danni was trying to give the Stephs a little poke when she told Jeff, "Sunning by the pool has really brought us together." I've grown to like Danni, but I think she was being a tad bratty there. Jamie sniffs, "We're angry cuz we haven't won, we're not smiling 'til we git a win." Jeff sighs, "Well, this challenge is all about teamwork and working together so you're screwed, Jamie." Turns out, they're not. The game has one player shooting balls out of a chute, while threeplayer teams run around with a net trying to catch them. The three people have to work as one, and they can catch either temas balls, and the first tribe to catch 5 balls, wins. Just like the Maya did. Oh, wait. No. Not this time. I think the last time we saw this game was in Thailand. Anyway, Brian and Lydia are the shooters. Bobby Jon, Gary and Danni are one team, and the catch 2 balls, while Brandon, Blake and Amy catch 0. Zip. Margaret Cindy and Jamie catch only 1, but it doesn't matter becasue Judd, Steph and Rafe catch 4, and the Stephs win immunity. At one point Steph plows into Bobby Jon and knocks him over, on purpose, so he won't catch the ball. And because she wants to be close to him and it's the only way she knows how. C'mon, you know I'm right. After their victory, Jamie starts screaming, "Who's smiling now? Who's smiling now?" And Bobby Jon screams back, "AAHHHHHHH!" Bobby Jon is very primal, I guess it's a male-tosterone thing.

SMART BRIAN DOES IT AGAIN

At camp, Danni is cimplaining aboput Jamie. She heard Jamie say "WHo's a baller now?" As in, a superior athlete, I guess. I think Jamie was more yelling about Jeff's calling them out before the challenge, but the damage has been done and Jamie is now persona non grata at Bobby Jon. Brandon drawls, "I wanted to say "Jamie, why don't you just shut up and go cut a rope." Hee. Gary gets all fatherly and reasons, "I think we saw all the frustration over that rope come out at today's challenge," and Danni and Brandon kick the dirt and mutter, "I guess yer raaht, pa." Bobby Jon is fuming, "There's a way to win, and a way to lose." Then he explains to Brian that Jamie is from Georgia, which makes him a sworn enemy of Alabama boy Bobby Jon." Brian once again brillinatly feigns interest in Bobby Jon's Red State ways. Gary and Brian plot against Blake, and Gary tries to sway Bobby Jon. Bobby Jon is growing weary of Blake's bluster but he's torn because he and Blake did make a very unsanitary promise not to vote each other out. But, Bobby Jon also trusts Gary's judgement, "He's smart, and he knows about team unity." Now, that's an interesting thing to say, no? I think Bobby Jon knows that Gary is a former pro-football player, either becasue Gary told him, or becasue he believes Danni. Not that I...care about that whole stupid secret subplot...no, REALLY. I...don't. Crap. Anyway, Amy and Gary then lobby Danni, and promise her that they don't have any existing alliances with the old members of their tribe. They insist they want to start fresh, and think geting rid of Blake will help the new team gel. Danni agrees, but she can't sway Brandon, who is worried they might get played if they lose their numbers advantage. Danni is ready for Blake to go though, even if she has to be the lone swing vote, "I like the guy, but it's typical frat boy stuff, and I don't like that stuff AT ALL." Yay! Once again, Brian manages to get his way despite odds--this time, saving himself.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

In a pretty boring recap-style Tribal Council, Jeff goes over Blake's "Golden Boy" nickname (which he thinks is cool, becasue it means people are talking about him, I'm sure), about how he was gasping for breath at the start of the game, and Blake goes on and on about having the wind knocked out of his sails but now it's back and he's ready to ride it out til the end. Amy reiterates that her loyalty is to this new tribe, not to the old one and Brian lobbies to be kept around as well. When Jeff asks Bobby Jon if this is a tough vote for him to make, Bobby Jon says with his usual earnestness, "Every vote is hard. Everyone has fought to get here in their own way. I don't like ending somebody's dream. I like to keep the dream alive." How can you not love Bobby Jon, seriously? In the voting booth, Brian declares, "Blake, you may be the Golden Boy, but I'm platinum." Remarkable, he doesn't accent this statement with some finger-snapping. Blake is ousted 5-2, with only Brandon remaining true to him. Bobby Jon goes back on his word, but he does the right thing...I hope. If these guys wind up linking back up with Steph and getting rid of him, I'll be really ticked. In the Family Moment, Blake's creepy brother and dad smile as his stunningly gorgeous mother offers to make him his favorite pork sandwich when he comes home.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

In Blake's bio, he claims that he has been president of every organization he's ever been a part of. Well, naturally. I think it's more revealing that he lists "camoflauge" as one of his favorite colors. If I can quote Brian here, "WOW."

Blake exits in 14th place. In Season One, Stacy sued after she was evicted in this spot, claiming Mark Burnett told the other contestants to save Rudy. Also in 14th, dear Lady Mad Dog rhapsodized about her friendship with Tina mere moments before Tina knifed her in the back. Carl the Dentist was vanquisehed by the lazt youth who envied his success, Noble and Good Hunter Ellis was dispatched by Chachi and his minnions, Boring Jed the Dentist was dumped for being lazy, Rare Asian Contestant Daniel was booted for not performing, Whiny Pathetic Lill was put out of our misery here, and then they betrayed all of us by letting her back in to almost win the whole damn thing--not cool. In Vanuatu, Hunky FBI agent Brady was sent packing, and last year cranky Willard got sent home before anyone could learn that he was a lawyer, not a mailman like he claimed.

Tonight: At Steph, I'd love to see Judd go, but rats, they still need his strength and will undoubtedly dump Margaret or Cindy, probably Margaret. At Bobby Jon things get tricky. I don't think Brandom, Bobby Jon and Danni will budge this time, so I predict self-proclaimed ruthless player Brian will flip on Amy and send her home. It will be painful. I like everyone on Bobby Jon now, I'd rather not lose any of them.

Peace Out! :D
Christine