Survivor 11.3 "The most annoyingest noise I heard in my entire life."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

Before we begin the Survivor review, I'd like to share with you a strange obsession of mine: music infomercials. They're usually Time Life. They always have several elements in common: A music celebrity paired with an unknown "spokesmodel" type, testimonials by "real" people, who express that the music takes them back to a happy time in their lives, and a script that always has the celebrity and spokesmodel talking about how much money you'd waste if you tried to get all these great songs on your own. Between all this, we see footage from televised performances of the various groups and singers whose songs are on the collection. This can be really cool, especially when the collection involves the 60's and 70's, because they had all those variety shows with wacky motifs. Anyway, I find them hypnotic, and will watch them over and over, whenever they're on. I've seen Superstars of Country (hosted by some lady and Kenny Rogers) like, 6 times. There's something oddly comforting about them, at least to me, but as you already know, I am a weirdo. I urge you to join me...

LYDIA V. BRIANNA, PART ONE

Anyone else waiting for this season to get fun? Seems all anybody does on this show is complain. Even Lydia, who's allegedly thrilled to still be there after her near-ouster, is complaining that Brianna should have gone home instead of Morgan. A fair statement, considering Brianna was one of the players who failed in the sandbag challenge. Brianna and Lydia attempt to talk about the weather, but it's too much for them. Brianna barely suppresses a cold sneer when she tells us, "Lydia just isn't my cup of tea." Yup, Brianna's kind of a bitch. Meanwhile, Brian is enamored with himself, and how he single-handedly save Lydia the night before. He didn't so much bend everyone to his will as tip them in a direction they actually wanted to go, but whatever, Brian's happy and that goes a long way with me right now. As he chipperly tells us that he'd gladly oust Lydia today so long as it furthered his own game, I found myself thinking, "He may be evil, but at least he's having fun!"

FREAKIN' HOWLER MONKEYS, MAN

A very loud howler monkey has camped on a tree branch right above the Bobby Jons camp, and has kept most of the tribe up most nights with his loud, honking howl. Like, well, everything else, this annoys Judd.

FREAKIN CINDY, MAN

Cindy the zoo keeper makes matters worse, in Judd's perpetually gloomy mind, by trying to empathize with the monkey, and explain his behavior. She tells the tribe that the monkey has lost his group and she tells us, "How can I complain about being woken up by howler monkeys in Guatemala? People pay money to do that!" Word. I like Cindy. Judd whines, "Cindy's all, He lost his bruthuh. She's like freakin Dr. Doolittle, man. Then he declares that the monkey is "the most annoyingest noise I heard in my entire life." And Judd's a New Yorker, so that's saying something.

LAME REWARD CHALLENGE

Jeff gathers the weary Survivors, "For today's reward, you're gonna have to be blindfolded and wander around trying not to kill yourselves while one person yells orders at you so that you can haul a bunch of crap back here. Then, once you gather all this stuff, you have to construct a really neat archeologists tent. The winning tribe gets to take home some crap Mark Burnett found in the back of his Land Rover--a couple old blankets and pillows and a lantern. Worth playing for?" The groups seem to hesitate, "That's a rhetorical question, right?" someone mutters. A hand goes up from the back, "Um, can we keep the really cook archeologists tent?" "NO!" Gary volunteers to call for the Stephs, "I'm used to yelling out plays to my guys over the noise of thousands of screaming fans, so I should be well- suited...er...I mean, I'll do it. No reason, but I'll do it." Brooke of Bobby Jon offers, "I'll do it, just so Christine will finally know who the hell I am." Gary and Brooke do a wonderful job--seriously, the best job I've ever seen on the Survivor blindfolded-yelling challenge. Usually you have people tripping over one another and you always have at least one group standing at the edge of the playing field like a stuck turtle, yelling, "Where are we supposed to go?" But this one went very smoothly, except for Judd kept whacking Danni in the head with whatever he was carrying--freakin' Danni and her big head, man. The Stephs start the tent building with a pretty big lead, but they lose it and they suffer another close loss and they're all demoralized, but they shouldn't be because it was such a lame reward.

GIRL TALK

The girls of Tribe Steph gather at the edge of the lake to bathe and listen to Steph bemoan their latest loss. She tells us that the tent-build was a big, "cluster...mess." Man, people on Survivor sure want to say "cluster bleep." Again, I had no idea it was such a popular phrase. Amy picks up most of the girl's spirits by comedically lamenting the sorry state of he wardrobe and their general bad hygiene. When Steph recommends boiling her clothes, Amy barks, "I can't believe I'm living like this! We got no soap, we're brushing' ah teeth with a tree, usin' leaves fuh toilet paper." Lydia teases her back by reminding her that they're in paradise, and Steph and Amy point out that they can't even go swimming because of the crocodiles. The only one not having any fun with all this is stuck-up Brianna, who just sits there with her smile-sneer looking uncomfortable. Amy assures us that despite all her complaining and her lack of outdoor experience, she'll never quit, "You'd haftuh stick needles in my eyeballs, I'd still nevuh give up!" We'll see if she eats those words in next week's "Needle in the Eyeball" Reward Challenge, in which contestants stick needles in their eyeballs in order to win a sewing kit and some burlap sacks.

HEMINGWAY WOULD BE PROUD

Brooke tells us that the tribe wants to build a better shelter, but they're gonna wait until the heat passes. Seeing as how it's summer and they're in Guatemala, that should be at exactly Never O'Clock. It's so hot, that several of the tribe members decide to go for a swim, crocs be damned. Zoo keeper Cindy takes a pass, as does Margaret. When Blake decides to bail at the last minute, Margaret coos, "It's all right, if Blake doesn't want to go, it's fine." It's also emasculating, Margaret, stop coddling Blake, he's not your baby boy, he's a grown man. Jeez-o. Bobby Jon, Brandon, Judd and Danni all go out. I didn't actually see if Danni went in, but the rest of them did. Cindy makes like Discovery Channel and frets that the gang thinks they're safe by being out in the middle of the lake, but that's where the crocs have gone too--they're in the cooler water to regulate their body temperature. Brandon crows, "The brave may not live long, but the cautious don't live at all." I have to books of quotations, and couldn't find this in either, so I don't know who originally said it.. It sure as hell wasn't Farmer Brandon. It's probably a Nike slogan. Anyway, to paraphrase the great philosopher Han Solo, swimming in a lake infested with crocodiles ain't exactly my idea of courage--it's more like suicide. But Brandon insists he's never felt more alive in his whole life, RAH! Boys can be so strange.

MMMMMM, TERMITES

Back at Steph, Brianna crushes their dried corn into a paster, insisting that doing this small chore makes her an asset to the tribe. Steph describes the tribe's only meal option as "like oatmeal, only not as good." Yee. Rafe then tells us that it's so bland that putting dirt in it would be an improvement, a fact I'm quite certain Rafe knows from experience since he'll eat anything. He later tries to convince the group to eat termites, and Steph jokes that she will stop being Rafe's friend if he continues to eat these disgusting bugs, "At least cook the damn things first, instead of eating them alive." Rafe claims they taste okay, and insists they need the protein. Upon hearing this, a protein-laden frog hops hurriedly away. The Stephs better hope a gross-out food competition is on the horizon, so Rafe's talents don't go to waste.

FREAKIN MAAAAGRET, MAN

The Bobby Jon are now ready to put up their new and improved shelter. They do seem to have a tarp that the other tribe doesn't, so maybe they did get to keep that part of the tent from the challenge, I'm not sure. As the group works, a critical Margaret insists on bossing the boys around, and you can guess how ell THAT goes over. bobby Jon pouts, "We don't need a supervisor, this things supposed to be fun." Well Bobby Jon, we're ALL waiting for this thing to be fun, so lighten up a little. Please? Margaret mocks the men's efforts, smirking as she tells us, "It's supposed to be a lean, but it looks more like a circus big top. Am I impressed? No answer." Um. Are they supposed to be impressing you? Even if she's right and the tent is craptacular, her attitude is way worse and doesn't help her standing in the tribe. Margaret's heroics appear to have a 7 day shelf-life, as even Bobby Jon, whom she nursed back to health, is sick of her listening to her. He goes of with Judd to gather wood and rag on Margaret, and Judd once again chafes at her "playin' the mutha hen role," Judd goes on, "Freakin Maaaagret, man, stahted to bahk orders to soon. No one's gonna tell me what to do. Only people who do are my boss and my wife."

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Lydia is worried about being on "the chopping block" again, a phrase she's used at least 97 times in the first three episodes alone and its beginning to irrationally annoy me. "Hopefully I'll be a star out there," she says. Mmmmm, yeah. Not so much, it turns out. The tribes adorn themselves with body paint and feathers in order to take part in a game of 3 on 3 corkball, like basketball, only you play on top of a net and the only way to advance the ball is to pass it, you can't run or dribble or anything like that, and you need to shoot it into this hoop. First team to five points, wins. I won't belabor this one, by explaining how each point goes. FYI, Blake is still having trouble breathing, but he does fine, I'm sure due to his hours and hours of resting back at camp. Gary is still an ex-NFL quarterback, but it mercifully doesn't come up, except that when Jeff says, "You guys are playing GREAT," Gary whips around and glares at him as though he'd said, "Way to go, ex-Dallas Cowboy Gary Hogeboom." Settle down, Gary. Even people who've never played professional sports can do well in an athletic competition. Strange, I know, but true. Later, Jeff shouts, "Now we're doing it like the MAYA did!" Yeah. This is how the Mayans played corkball, in tennis shoes, with "Hi Mom and Dad" written on their stomachs. And once again, CBS blithely compares tonights vote-out with the actual human sacrifice that occurred in Mayan culture. Anyway, things are even at first, and Rafe, who wimped it up last time really proves his mettle this time, as he fights for the ball and plays well with his team. Sucking hardcore are Lydia, and her arch rival Brianna. Lydia at leasts tries, but she didn't listen to the rules and runs with the ball, causing a costly turnover. Brianna just literally stand in the corner of the net doing absolutely nothing,as her tribe shouts angrily for her to get into a position where she can help the team--even Jeff yells at her. Amy turns her ankle on the unforgiving net. Steph tries to explain to a clueless Lydia and Brianna what a "pick" is, hoping to win a point with a designed play since they sure as hell can't win on talent. But Brianna once again parks herself on the sidelines and is no help, and the Stephs are defeated.

DEJA BOO HOO

Steph complains, "Yeah. Here we go again, right? I'm on this tribe that doesn't seem to be very good at winning in the beginning and somebody sprains their ankle. It's horrible. I've already been here, I've already done this, I can't do it again." Well, you're one of a very small number of people who've gotten to be on Survivor once, and you're in the even smaller minority of having gotten to be on it TWICE. Settle down, Steph, I wanna root for you, but the woe-is-me is wearing thin. She gets me back on her side when she physically demonstrates how she "literally" had to pull Brianna's head our of her butt. Steph may not know what literally means, but she is quite funny. Amy's ankle is swelling, but unlike wussy Jeff from last season, she's not telling anyone to vote her out--she wants to stay, badly. Steph commiserates with Gary, and when she laments the other girls not knowing what a pick was, Gary sighs, "Lydia has never played a sport in her life. And neither have I, professionally speaking, of course. Heh. Well, back to my gathering."

LYDIA V. BRIANNA, PART TWO

Jamie assures Lydia that Brianna is as good as gone, thanks to her terrible corkball performance. He then tells us that he didn't like her since day one, because she's so prissy and cold. Then Jamie blesses us with his take on the opposite sex, "I like 'em crazy and pretty. She's neither." Lovely. I hate Brianna, but c'mom, Jamie, she's pretty. Brianna half-heartedly tries to convince Steph that she wants to stay, "Why would I be here if I didn't think I could do it?" Then she tells Steph that Lydia doesn't like her, and she doesn't like Lydia because Lydia never looks her in the eye when she's talking to her. I don't know, Jamie, she might be crazy, too. To us, Brianna confides, "I feel scared because the weak link today was...probably me." Lose the probably, and you win a cigar.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff lets Steph bitch and moan about how disappointed she is in her crap tribe, "Lydia and Brianna didn't even know what a PICK was! Can you believe that? I mean, they tried their best, but it just wasn't good enough." Just call her Steph Ditka. Brianna insists, "I tried my best, I honesty did," which is a sad commentary on a life. When Jeff points out to Lydia that unlike Brianna, she actually tried but still managed to suck, Lydia takes this as a compliment, and a testament to her hard-working, never say die attitude. Brian then insists that they may not be as athletic as the other tribe, but they are waaay better bestest friends then them, for sure. Yeah, that's relevant. Amy tells everyone not to worry about her sore ankle, it's fine. Brianna is voted out 7-1. She casts her vote to Lydia, for failing to curtsey, or whatever. Brianna's boisterous family tells her they love her in the Family Moment. The Family Moment reminds me of that scene in "Silence of the Lambs," where Clarice Starling explains to the dumb FBI cadet that the kidnapped girl's mother is saying her name over and over again so that the kidnapper might start to think of her as a person. Well, I don't want to think of Survivor contestants as people with families who love them. They are caricatures whom I get to mock, dagnabit! ;) You can't make me like them CBS, nor can you make me care about when and if people find out about Gary's "past." I won't do it! >:o

Princess Brianna is exiled in 16th place, formally known as last place. She joins Sonja, who was voted out because she was old, got hurt, and constantly played the ukulele. Also cantankerous Deb, shifty Diane of beancangate infamy, Peter who creeped everyone out when he boasted about the control he had over all his, ahem, holes, John the officious preacher, Ryan who couldn't get across the balance beam in the Amazon, not to be confused with one of the myriad other Ryan's we've had, and Nicole who tried to make a move against Tijuana and got send home instead. In Vanuatu, John P., one of the younger dudes voted out by the older fatter dudes, became the first person to finish 16th but not last. ANd last year Jeff "hurt his ankle" and quit.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

According to her CBS Bio, basketball is Brianna's favorite spectator sport, which must mean she's confused a lot because she doesn't know what a pick is. Although I've got to give it to her, she was a pretty good corkball spectator, on the court as well as off of it.

Tonight, if the Stephs lose again, Lydia is toast, she won't dodge another bullet. If the Bobby Jons go, then look for Margaret to get the boot.

Peace! :D

Christine