Survivor 11.4 "They gotta get outta my jungle, man."

BEFORE WE BEGIN

I got my new bigger, full-color TV Guide, and I hate to admit this, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I hate the size, it no longer fits snugly on the corner of my coffee table, but the large grids really are easier to read (man that makes me sound old). Please don't tell the people at TV Guide this yet, I'm still mad at them

The Amazing Race Family Edition should be called, The Amazing Race, Mean People Edition. There's this one scruffy NASCAR family from Florida, a mom and her three kids, and the dad was recently killed in a track accident. Anyway, all the other families hate them and maybe the mom is a little "loopy" at times, and yeah, the kids get really emotional at times and okay, they were being obnoxious on that one bus trip but these hateful people just keep sneering and complaining and inventing rudeness and scheming on their part that they did not do. And for the Screamy Jersey family to accuse them of "losing it" and "melting down"? Um, what? Worse was when those horrible, evil Gaghan twerps commented about how the family was crying, and smug Mr. Gaghan snickered, "Good." Yeah, really nice parenting, although considering they didn't tell their kids not to taunt another group earlier in the game, I shouldn't be surprised. I also don't like that they're STILL in America....I'm hanging on by a thread, CBS. My only consolation is that these people are now at home watching themselves on TV, and I hope they feel like the terrible people that they ARE. >:(

FREAKIN' MOSQUITOS, MAN

Survivor Yavin is so boring. HOW BORING IS IT? Even the monkeys are sleeping through it. At Bobby Jon, everyone is hot, tired, hungry and miserable, and also, they're being attacked by many vicious mosquitos. The tribe opts to combat their problems with a one-two punch of laziness and sorrow. Mean Farmer Brandon, whose face is inexplicably beat to hell, drawls, "If WE'RE suffering this bad over here in the good campsite, with the superior team, I can only imagine it must be WAY worse over at that other tribe." Mmmm, not really.

FISH CATCHING JAMBOREE!! :D

At Steph, the gang is fishing as a tribe! Yay! They use corn meal at the bottom of a bucket to catch minnows. I hope this isn't the extent of Lydia's fish monger expertise, because that's how I used to catch pollywogs at the creek when I was 7. Rafe gushes, "Gary and I are an unstoppable fishing machine!" Rafe and Gary almost sounds like "Ace and Gary," Saturday Night Live's Ambiguously Gay Duo, although Gary isn't gay and Rafe isn't really that ambiguous. Then everyone marvels at a nearby crocodile, and some minnows try to get some payback by biting Jamie's toes.

BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE...

Jeff gathers the Survivors for a little innocent fun--no challenge, just a little game, in which contestants will be asked to answer some allegedly revealing information about their tribe. Or, that's what he implied, but it was all a ploy. I was hoping for some really hurtful honesty. On the second season of ABC's much missed "The Mole" (hosted by Anderson Cooper), the players were all asked to complete a survey, and one of the questions was "Who do you dislike the most," or something, and everyone was mortified when the results were made public. Anyway, at the elimination ceremony (contestants had to guess who among them was the show's titular saboteur by answering a detailed questionnaire, and the person who was the most wrong about the Mole, went home) Anderson offered this least-liked person, Elavia, $50,000 to leave the game in place of the person who should have been eliminated, and she stunned everyone by taking it. It turned out to be super important because in the finale, we learned that the person who WOULD have gone home that night was the person who wound up winning the whole game. It was awesome. Anyway, this wasn't nearly as awesome as all that, but in a way it was, because it suckered the Survivors into a false sense of being Rewarded...

Jeff tells them that this will be a nice treat, in honor of their having survived "what is arguably the toughest Survivor ever!" I would be one of those arguing, because I think Africa was way harder, it was just as hot, and the only nearby water was rank and bug-infested--and oh yeah, they had to drink that water, too. Jeff warns the tribes that their answers will have a "direct effect" on their tribe mates. No one can vote for themselves. First question: Who on your tribe is most in need of some nourishment? Jamie wins for Steph, Danni from Bobby Jon, and each wins a juicy apple. Bobby Jon and Gary are named the smelliest, and each wins a shower. For some reason, CBS felt it necessary to point a camera directly over Gary's head, so they had to fuzz out his nether-regions. Um, unless he's got "Dallas Cowboy for LIFE!" tattooed on his wiener, I hardly see the relevance. It also made Jeff's saying, "Margaret, you have shower envy," seem really dirty. Then the men put their stinky clothes back on and rejoin their tribe mates, who sniff them the way dogs do. Dignity people, dignity! The next prize is a picnic atop a really high Mayan Pyramid for the most-deserving man and woman from each tribe. Gary and Amy go from Steph, and Judd and Margaret go from Bobby Jon. Amy is very emotional and touched by her tribe's vote of love, and then when Jeff brings out the veiled picnic basket she cynically barks, "What is it, a tarantula?" Jeff seems miffed as he reveals fried chicken, potato salad, cookies and iced tea. Jeff sends them off on their trek and tells them they are not allowed to bring anything back for the others.

And then the REAL fun begins. Jeff asks each tribe to nominate one person who "has the most tribe spirit." The effusive Brian is a no-brainer for the Stephs, while Cindy is kind of a surprise (for me, anyway) from the Bobby Jon's. Jeff then reveals that these two people will be staying at their ORIGINAL tribes, the rest all switch. The picnickers will return to their original tribes as well, AND, because Bobby Jon had an extra member, they have to draw buffs and one more member of Bobby Jon will stay with their old tribe. This turns out to be Survivor non-entity Brooke, who, it turns out, seals her fate by pulling out a yellow buff...of DEATH. Fortunately, Bobby Jon and Steph do not wind up on the same tribe :)

NEW STEPH: Steph, Lydia, Rafe, Jamie, Judd, Margaret, Cindy and Brooke
NEW BOBBY JON: Bobby Jon, Brandon, Blake, Danni, Brian, Gary and Amy

FREAKIN' SPECTACULAR VIEW, MAN

Gary, Judd, Margaret and Amy have a boring picnic. Margaret is surprised to learn Gary is NOT a former NFL football player, wink wink., and Gary says, "No, I mean, I wish that were true, I mean, what man WOULDN'T wish he'd been one of the elite few who actually got to pursue such a lofty goal, but no, I'm just Gary Hawkins, a mere mortal, like the rest of you poor schlubs." Policewoman Amy is suspicious of Gary's denials, and claims she'll kill him if she finds out he's really "a retired multimillionaire." Keep your knife sharpened, Amy, that's all I'm saying.

LET'S PRETEND

At New Bobby Jon, everyone pretends to be happy with the new arrangements, even though they're all freaked out. Brian plays host as they chomp on some fruit that CBS gave them to soften the blow, and keep them from getting rickets. Bobby Jon urges Brian to join them in not working very hard, so they can all be strong for challenges. Amy and Gary arrive from their picnic of lies and also pretend not to be ticked off at being a sudden minority in their own home as Bobby Jon quips, "Here's Johnny!" I thought that was genuinely clever--he ain't dumb, he's just soft-spoken. And sort of crazy. Amy cannot contain her potty mouth, "Get the #$*! outta here! What the #$*! is goin' on?" She barks. TO us she laments, "We're decimated here, decimated!" Then it appears that Gary actually leads a "What does everybody do for a living back in the world," discussion, and yet again, he feigns surprise at the very idea that he ever played pro ball. When he asks Danni who she thought he was, Danni says, "Oh, I thought you played for Central Michigan." Which made my opinion of Danni the sports radio chick increase by like, a billion, because who on earth would know where Gary Hogeboom went to college? I suppose he was probably actually a great college QB, despite his mediocrity at the pro level. Anyway, Gary insists that he WENT to Central Michigan, but didn't play sports there. Since Danni is way to young to have gone to college at the same time Gary did, I presume Gary had already told people he went to Central Michigan, because admitting she's right about his college just makes her look, well, right. Amy looks at Danni, as if to gauge her reaction to Gary's denial, and Danni shoots her a "Girl, I'm right," look, but Danni doesn't push the issue. Gary vows to keep his past a secret, blah blah blah.

JUDD, THE JERSEY JUDAS

A giant kick-ass praying mantis rubs his hands in delight at the prospect of the betrayal that's about to unfold at New Steph. Margaret nervously assures Judd that she's confident that they along with Brooke and Cindy will stand firm against the new four joining the tribe. Judd could care less. He's thrilled to be rid of Bobby Jon, Blake, and Brandon, "We had a kinda male-tosterone thing, now I'm the big gun here. I feel like King Kong!" He beats his chest like an ape, causing the howler monkey to howl in protest--or maybe he just mistook Judd for his lost brother. Later, Steph and Jamie sit atop the ruins and plot. They're targeting Brooke, who they believe is the weak link, along with Lydia, but they need her at the moment, if they're going to maintain a numbers advantage over their new tribemates. Jamie has apparently wised up and decided to work with Steph and not against her. Steph says they shouldn't push the issue of trying to get someone to flip over to their side, they should just let it happen naturally. She believes that Judd and she share a "Jersey connection" *Sopranos theme plays* and speak of the devil, Judd saunters up, leaking information like a human sieve. THey tell him they're thinking of targeting either Lydia or Brooke if they lose immunity, and ask him who he's in tight with, and of course, Judd hates everybody so the answer's nobody. Steph tells him that Rafe and Lydia will vote however they're told and that Judd will be safe sticking with them. He agrees to join them and tells us he has no problem turning on Brooke and the others, "I didn't feelin' the love dere, man. Dere was no love dere, man. They gotta get outta my jungle, man." I think Judd is kinda crazy too. But he's good television, and that's why we're here, right?

LET'S PEE ON IT!

Amy is fretting because not only is she on the short-handed side of the tribe, but she's got a bum ankle. Her ankle is still hurt and swollen, but she's trying hard to keep that a secret. However, she's already been pegged as the weak link by Bobby Jon and Blake. Bobby Jon discuss strategy while peeing, and then seal their allegiance by shaking hands. Immediately after peeing. Without washing their hands, or even wiping them on their clothes or anything. Truly gross, and I don't know where the "pee promise" ranks, but well below a blood oath or a spit swear, I would think.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

New Steph has decorated the Immunity Idol with a yellow feather, which does not impress New Bobby Jon. The challenge has the teams--you guessed it, paddling around some buoys to get some bags of hammer things, which, upon disembarking, they will hurl at ceramic targets that are placed 30, 40 and 50 ft. away. Surprise, surprise, Lydia sits out for New Steph. The Steph's get a huge lead during the boat part, but of course, they lose it. Not because of Steph, though she does a great job breaking the closest target, but Judd struggles. So does Brian on the other team, but Brian listens to his team when they implore him to tag out. Judd doesn't. He's getting more and more tired and frustrated, but he's so determined to be "duh big hero," that he refuses to let someone else on the course until he succeeds, which allows Danni to break her target and Blake to break his, so now the Stephs are down 2-1. Judd finally breaks his target, but Jamie can't win it. Farmer Brandon scores the winning blow for New Bobby Jon in yet another really close finish between the teams. I was thrilled because it saved Amy and she's become one of my real favorites this season :)

DEJA SO WHAT?

Steph gives her same speech about how the teams will now be even, so they haven't really lost anything--which is a pretty insensitive thing to say in front of whoever the heck you're gonna vote out. It's also kinda arrogant. Anyway, Steph tells Jamie she feels good about Judd's defection, "He can't stand Margaret or...whatshername...Brooke." Yes, even the people who've met her in person don't remember her, so don't feel bad. Margaret, Cindy and Brooke seem to believe that Lydia is the target. Just to be sure, Margaret takes Judd aside and tells him she'd like the old tribe to hold together. Judd tells her he thinks Lydia and Brooke are equally weak players, and it doesn't really matter to him who goes first. Margaret puts on her most patronizing tone, "No, Judd, if they get rid of Brooke then we're down 4-3 and they can pick us off one by one, you idiot." Judd is confident that he will be kept around and Margaret continues to treat him like a child and tell him that they could just USE him for his strength, to get to the merge, and then ditch him. Only time will tell who's right here--Margaret has a point, but you can't tell me that the girls wouldn't be just as eager to dumb Judd once things moved to individual immunity, so what does Judd really have to lose here? Judd and Steph gather to firm up Judd's new allegiance, but Brooke saunters over to quell the discussion and just generally awkward things up. Steph lamely blurts out, "It's freaking HOT, man," to try to cover.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff finally dares to suggest that Steph, with her 1-7 record in challenges this season, and a 4-21 record lifetime, may in fact be less a victim of circumstance and more of a jinx. Steph sighs, "I'd like to think I'm not bad luck because that would suck." Then Jeff asks Margaret if she noticed anyone moving away from the old tribal lines to form new ones and she huffs, "Yes Jeff, I was VERY disappointed to note that Judd went over to talk to Jamie and Steph right away and I hope he's not about to do something really stupid, but that would be just like Judd." Judd splutters with guilt, "We were jut talking, man, I sweah! We was just gettin' tuh know each othuh--shootin' duh breeze an' all dat." Then Lydia confides that she's worried she might go home tonight because her tribe doesn't know her "true strengths" yet. Well, hurry up Lydia, you're running out of time. Brooke complains that the game favors those with brute strength, which puts women advantage, and then Judd get all "The Bachelor" on us, and starts talking about how he knows right away when he's made "a connection" with people. It is clear that he's chosen to change lanes. Lydia gets three votes, but Brooke gets the remaining five. In her exit speech, Brooke seems awfully chipper, considering she has a knife wedged in her back--I think she must be relieved. Brooke was such a non-entity in the game, it felt like a non-elimination leg of "The Amazing Race." In her Survivor Family Moment, her parents and brother try to be clever and do a scripted bit, but the Aunt Pat's directing is lousy and they come off stiff.

RANDOM LOSER FACT

Well, Brooke's last name is Struck, and that alone is pretty cool. But, as a fellow reality nerd, I gotta give mad props to anyone who'd actually admit on the heavily-trafficked CBS website that "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica" is one of their favorite shows. She seems like a nice girl--it's a shame I will spend many a future review trying to convince you all that a girl named Brooke ever played Survivor...

Brooke leaves us in 15th place, joining cranky old B.B. who asked to be voted out, and Kel who I used to say was wrongly accused of smuggling beef jerky by Jerri. But after reading where Jeff Probst said people try to smuggle food every season, and he thinks Kel DID smuggle it in, I'm leaning to saying Kel was voted out WHEN he smuggled in food. In Africa, CBS was disappointed when their answer to J.Lo, Jessie, was voted out for being weak and pukey. Patricia was bossy and started demanding to be called "mamma," Tanya was another pretty young thing who vomited more than she contributed. In the Amazon, Janet was also voted out after having been accused of smuggling food and in the Pearl Islands, Nerd Ryan gave 100%, but his tribe demanded the fictitious 110% so he was cut loose. Loud, abrasive mean Mia was stabbed in the back in a delicious stunner, and last season, lazy Kim said bye bye.
Sorry for the delay :)

Peace! :D
Christine