Survivor 10.9 "I'm ready to wet myself, I don't know what to do!"

STEPH IS THE CHEESE

Steph is now all alone at what was once U-Turn Beach. She's hardly able to sleep because she's so afraid the fire might go out (yes, she just made fire to win immunity, but remember, she doesn't have matches back at camp. "I'll never give up," she resolves, "I'm not a quitter." Believe me, Steph, we know. I can't imagine hating Steph, but even if you do, you gotta admire her spirit of adventure and competitive drive, which stands in sharp contrast to Er-Ror's many slackers...

ONE BIG CRAPPY FAMILY

At Er-Ror, success has bred familiarity which has begat contempt. Ian is sick of Coby's whining and Janu's laziness. He refers to Janu as the tribe's "dysfunctional aunt who lives in the attic," and we hope he's making a metaphor and not speaking from actual experience (it's not in his official CBS bio, but ya never know). Then he refers to Coby as the tribe's "resident pouter," and I thought he said, "resident Powder," and thought he was making an obscure reference to that terrible, terrible movie about the supernatural albino weirdo played by bald young Indiana Jones--the one that was directed by the child molester? Big ups to you if you don't know what I'm talking about. Coby is busy washing Caryn's hair and filling her ears with his discontent, which she probably shares as a fellow outsider (Caryn's been oddly quiet these last few episodes, or has at least been edited that way). Coby bitches about the fact that every time Ian gets fruit or Tom catches a clam, everyone throws a party. He's also bitter about the lazy gals [cut to: Katie and Jenn sunning themselves on the shore] and has decided to stop getting food and firewood, "I'm very cranky and everyone around here knows it. I'm desperately trying to control my temper." Based on his actions later on in the episode, I think Coby needs to get a dictionary and look up, "trying." And "self-destructive." And "idiot." Then he mocks the rest of the men for their "pretend fishing," and indeed the guys are sitting around contemplating their fish hooks and not actually trying to catch food--but then again, neither is Coby.

SOLITARY WOMAN

Well, sitting around contemplating her fishhooks isn't an option for Steph--and not just because she doesn't HAVE any fishhooks. She doesn't have any food and she doesn't have any help. She does have heart, and takes the boat out to fish, but even the sea life has deserted her. Then she tries to knock down a coconut from a tree and almost dislocates her shoulder, so she has to climb it. The morning's ordeal leaves her spent and despairing, "But if I win, it'll be worth it...that'd be awesome," she manages to say through her tears. Then she gets Tree Mail. It's a cannister that says, "Do NOT Open, Give to Er-ROR." Then she cries tears of joy when she reads that she's supposed to pack up all her stuff and head over to Er-Ror, "It's a merge! I'm gonna have friends!" But it doesn't actually say that, and I have to admit, I was totally afraid they were gonna have her bring all her stuff over and then say, "In your FACE , Steph! Now you have to live alone in your cave with no supplies! HA HA!" Because CBS is a bastard. She loads up her canoe with tools and whatnot and heads to the next phase of the game...

THE NEW KID IN CAMP

There having some kind of group nap at Er-Ror when Steph strides into camp (having parked her boat a mile away). Janu is in full-on "Camille" mode, sniffing a flower and fantasizing about death. Jenn is the first to notice her, droning, "Ohmigod you guys, it's her." Everyone's so excited that something new is happening that they fall all over her, hugging and laughing and welcoming. Steph is beside herself and admits, "I was all alone--I almost had a nervous breakdown!" Janu beams, "Me TOO! Except...for the all alone part." Gregg reads the cannister, which does indeed reveal that Steph is now a member of the Er-Ror tribe (phew!) and she gets a new brown buff (So no new tribe name, no new-colored merge buffs this year). The new buff is so clean that the dirty Survivors gather around and smell it before they allow Steph to put it on--folks, this is what happens when you deprive people of television for 22 days. She's overwhelmed by how cool the "Most Kick-Ass Shelter Ever" is, what with it's roof and places to sit, and of course she's thrilled to get to drink some of the clean water they won last week. Then Steph, Katie and Jenn slip off for some girl talk and they all giggle like teenagers as Steph disses Kim for her bad attitude and dishes about Kim and Idiot Jeff, which prompts "eeewwwww's" from the other girls, though I don't see how it's any grosser than Gregg and Jenn's Make-Out parties (which Steph doesn't know about, yet.) Jenn tell us, "Steph and I hit it off on the first day--but that was before I knew how competitive she was. She needs go before she can weasel her way into the tribe." Um. Too late. Coby is also out of the loop when he mocks Katie for acting like she has a special bond with Steph, unaware that she DOES. It's called an ALLIANCE. DUM DUM DUM!

A VISIT FROM THE NEIGHBORS

A couple of really big Paluan men show up to teach the group how to fish. Actually, they teach the men how to fish, which sort of offends me, but the guys seem so eager to do it, I guess it's not something they'd want to share with the girls, and the girls don't appear to feel left out (only 2 of the five girls are "workers" per se) so I guess everyone's happy. Except Coby, who throws a fit when Tom, Ian and Gregg all want to go fishing once Coby volunteers to continue to catch bait on shore. Coby feels rejected, and Tom is too consumed with making sure his island son, Ian, gets to do whatever he wants to do to bother with not hurting Coby's feelings. Tom's really into that boss-man thing. If things go down the way he wants, with Steph, Ian and Katie joining him in the Final Four, I think he loses to anyone BUT lazy Katie. He's a great provider, but he's also chosen to be a bit of a martinet, which won't behoove him when it comes to campaigning for votes. Then Tom gathers the girls and starts to teach them how to catch the bait and Coby gets bent and insists, "I'm in charge of the bait thing!" And stamps his foot and rolls around on the ground kicking and shrieking, and they have to get one of those "Nanny 911" ladies to calm him down. The boys go off with the Palauans and catch a bunch of fish and a lobster. There's this really cool camera shot where we see a fish Tom catches as it zooms through the water on Tom's line and then up into the boat. The fish looked as big as a man in the water, but in the boat, it's only big as a hand. A major feast is had, and it's supplemented with some rum that the visitors brought. Tom gets loaded and slurry and stupid, and fortunately doesn't say to Steph, "Hey, ya know youse innnna Final Four with me an Katie and Ian!" He does fall really hard and surrogate son Ian has to help put him to bed before he really hurts himself--On a Very After School Special Survivor.

COBYLOO

The next day, everyone sincerely thanks the Palauans for their help, but Coby's certain that Tom's being fake when he tells the Palauans are welcome at their tribe anytime. Coby was so sweet and fun, and last week I was rooting for him to make it to end. Suddenly, all I want do is smack him. He has this notion that any politeness and friendliness is wrong because they're all trying to vote one another out, "everyone's acting like they aren't playing the game and they aren't plotting against each other and we're all one big happy family!" No, they're just not going out of their way to be obnoxious and obvious about their intentions, Coby--you should try it some time. No? Okay, well, nice knowing you. Coby's actually idealistic enough to be rooting for Steph, and declares it his mission to work Steph into the tribe and into the game because she deserves it, unaware that she's long been part of his enemies agenda. Because they're playing a smarter game than he is. Well, slightly smarter (Steph's their only secret). Coby seals his fate when he drags Steph away from Katie when the gals are about to wash up in the ocean. Katie calls Jenn and Gregg over to roll her eyes about how blatant Coby is being, and Gregg and Jenn nervously agree that Coby is insane while they fret about him squealing on them--and they're right to be nervous because that's exactly what Coby's doing--he tells Steph about the major alliance (everyone except him, Caryn and Janu) and about Gregg and Jenn's plan to turn on Tom and Ian and he insists that Jenn is especially jealous and resentful of her because Steph always kicked her ass at head to head challenges. He tells her that it will either be Steph or Janu going home tonight. In the words of Yoda, "There is another." Coby is very proud of his boldness, boasting, "talking to Steph was like claiming land--I talked to her first, and she was very appreciative that I was straight with her. They can talk to her all they want--I talked to her FIRST." Oh, Coby. Steph tells Jenn and Katie some of what Coby told her, under the guise of being completely upfront. She doesn't let on that she knows of Gregg and Jenn's intentions, and she doesn't single Jenn out at all, claiming Cobby said they were both jealous of her and playing it off like its all a big joke. Soon after, se see her with Tom, and Tom gives her the assurance that she's got friends in the tribe, "I don't know the exact orduh, because immunity is the one aspect of duh game that I don't control, but rest assured dere's a lot of udduh people goin' home befoh you." Did Steph tell Tom that Gregg and Jenn were eager to flip on he and Ian> Or did she keep that under hat in case she decides to go that way too (think about it--she's gotta be fairly confident about kicking Jenn's ass if they wind up in the Final Four together.)? For now, it's a mystery.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

Coby was playing it smart
his eggs weren't all in one cart
but then he went nuts
no ifs ands or butts
and speeded up when he'd depart

Jeff lets Steph touch his monkey. The Immunity Monkey, that is, seeing as she never had. Then he retires it, and trots out the old Immunity necklace, complete with shark teeth. The Immunity necklaces are always the same--I think it should be more obnoxious, like a big ol' crown that says, "U Can't Touch This!" Jeff takes a swipe at Er-Ror's many weaklings, reminding them, "Now everyone has to compete--that may be a shock for many of you who've been sitting on your ass for 23 days." [cut to: Katie] The challenge is a Survivor classic--stand on a perch as long as you can. Also, they will go immediately to Tribal Council (which means they don't have their bags with them, which I guess doesn't matter since they don't have bags). I love immediate Tribal Councils! Jeff gets comfy as the Survivors begin their trial. He quizzes Tom about Steph, bringing up the fact that she's essentially a free vote if they want to keep Er-Ror intact. Tom says, "Dat's certainly one option--you'll just have to wait and see what happens tonight." Jeff scowls, "I watch the dailies, Tom! I know everything! I know there's no way in hell Steph's going home tonight, so there!" Actually, Jeff doesn't say that, but Coby practically does. He doesn't even wait for Jeff to ask him he just chimes in, "Puhleese, let's not be STUPID, you big bunch of lying creeps. Everyone's playing a game, and everyone knows what the alliances are and everyone knows that unlike most of you, I can't be CONTROLLED so I strongly encourage you to vote for ME tonight! Me! Vote for Me!" Coby just has issues, man. He's so afraid that the others think they're getting one over on him, and he's more concerned that they know he's too smart to be conned than he is with working anything to his advantage. Yes, he's on the outside this week, but things change. Why not try to last as long as you can and be ready when Katie pisses off Ian or whatever? He'd rather leave on his own terms than fight to stay. Kinda like idiot Jeff's fake ankle injury. Lame. After an hour, Jeff produces four donuts, and everyone is tempted to jump. Katie squeals, "I'm ready to wet myself, I don't know what to do!" Well...how about not THAT? You can see Katie's already auditioning to be an annoying morning radio personality ala Jamie and Danny. I think Katie works at a radio station, doesn't she? Anyway, Coby tries to negotiate for all the donuts, but Jeff says they have to be split by whoever's stupid enough to jump this early: Coby and Janu, the two people who need it most, although Janu clearly wants to get voted out I think, so maybe it makes perfect sense, I don't know. Coby too--he's certainly not acting like someone who wants to be there anymore. Tom and Steph exchange a smile which, in retrospect, seems to say "Well, that was easy enough." Jeff asks the others what it says to them that Janu and Coby jumped so fast. Katie's right on the money, "either they want to go home, or they don't think they're in any danger of going home. Plus, Janu's just freaking lazy and weak."

After another half hour, Coby asks Jenn what she'd jump for, and she insists on ice cream. Caryn is jonesing for peanut butter, prompting Ian to do his best Rich Jenna impression, "I'll take my clothes off for some chocolate and peanut butter!" Jeff scoffs, "No one wants to see that, Ian." Well Jeff, most of us never wanted to see Jenna and Heidi's skeletal skankiness either. Then Ian asks for more of those fertilized egg things that doomed Bobby Jon. After 2 and a half hours, Jeff brings out 15 chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk, which quickly induces quitting in Ian, Katie, Gregg and Jenn. More time passes and Caryn asks Tom if he can go all night (Oh, hush) and he's quite believable when he shrugs and says hell yeah. Caryn looks nervous and tired. Jeff then brings out a pizza, and says they all have 5 seconds to decide to jump for it, and if they don't, the others on shore will eat it. Caryn and Steph quickly bail, leaving Tom to with the game's first Individual Immunity. Katie glares at the pizza when Jeff insists that Steph and Caryn can't share it--well, Katie, it's not anyone else's fault that you jumped for 3 and 3/4 cookies and a couple sips of milk, you could've held out longer. My thought was, ew, there's peepers on the pizza, which I would also be thinking had I been starving to death for 22 days: reason 62 why I'll never actually try out to be on Survivor...

****We Interrupt this Survivor Review to Bring you the Chachi and Amber Report****

We pick up where we left off, with Chachi and Amber stunned to discover that the leg isn't over, and they have to, gasp, run across the street to a train station and bunch up once again with the other teams on a long train ride that affords the teams a chance to rest. While they're dozing, these silent creepy guys come into their sleeper cars and hand them clues--they reminded me of "The Gentlemen" from that terrifying episode of "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer." ("Hush") Chachi and Amber have time to really talk with Ron and Kelly, the POW and the beauty queen, and claim to forge a real friendship with them--ask Lex and Kath how much THAT'S worth. They wind up in the Indian city of Jodhpur, and to my disappointment, there's no sign outside that says, "Welcome to Jodhpur--Yes, like the pants!" Then there's more exciting waiting around for something to open. Chachi hires a guy named Sanjay to be his and Amber's guide while thery're in town, but the guy refuses to take their money--he'll do it for free. "Tanks, Sonjo," Chachi says--he never DOES get Sanjay's name right. I think this is dangerous for all those people who go on these shows with the hopes that it'll make them famous, because apparently it DOES, at least in the Third World. The next day, Ron tells us that Chachi "coerced" Sanjay into being his guide--I think that's the PTSD talking though. Anyway, the teams pull these big ol' wood elephants through the streets, and Rob keeps barking at Sanjay, "Sanjo, tell dese people tuh help us!" I don't think Sanjay's help gets them anywhere they wouldn't have gotten without him. But Rob needs to get one over on people, to trick people, to outsmaht dem. He NEEDS to win this race in such a way that people will say, "Only Boston Rob would've thought to do THAT!" Ultimately, I think this is distracting more than it is helping. At one point, Chachi physically drags people off the side of the street to help him push the elephant and jokes, "It's tough ahganizing Indian Labuh." Uh, charming. Later, Amber races a Camel-drawn cart around a dirt track. When her camel refuses to cross the finish line at first, the other teams laugh at her plight. The race to the pit stop is also intense, as Rob and Amber race with Ron and Kelly for what they presume to be first place--at one point, Chachi practically throws Amber over a stone wall. But they finish in third (by a hair) because Uchenna and Joyce did the fast forward and shaved their heads--something Rob and Amber wouldn't never dared, considering they're trying to get they're wedding televised. All in all, a pretty dull installment, with Rob and Amber still frighteningly close to winning yet even more CBS money. Please, don't let it be so! We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor review....

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff teases Steph about her familiarity with Tribal Council, especially in relation to her tribe mates, who've only been there once before (and after the no-brainer Willard vote-off, they got to eat beef stew and root beer!). Steph plays it cool and acknowledges that she's odd-girl out and a likely easy vote to cast. Jeff seems pretty disappointed in her for taking the pizza and possibly costing herself the game, and she admits it was probably dumb but she's hopeful it won't be a million-dollar meal. Jeff asks Jen, "You and Steph met head-to-head in the few physical challenges you actually had to compete in and she always seemed to win, does that tick you off?" Jenn smiles, "No, Steph and I are like, totally good friends and very similar players, except she makes herself a huge target by standing out, being good at stuff and having a personality. You won't catch me making THOSE mistakes." Coby raves, "This is a game of popularity, and Steph is popular so DUH, she's not going home tonight--there are way bigger targets than her, take it from ME, you lying bunch of morons." Jeff asks Janu rather pointedly about "who's not pulling their weight and Janu sighs, 'I'll be honest with you, Jeff, for the last two or three days I haven't done anything except for getting the occasional coconut and smelling my flower, wishing for death. I hope--I mean, I THINK, it's going to be me tonight and I am SO not worried about that everybody-it REALLY wouldn't upset me at all, everybody. Okay? Got that?" You know what bugs me, is Janu says she's only been a worthless lay about for the last few days, when it's been well over a week in real time. Tom keeps his Immunity, and it's on to the vote. Janu is the lone vote for Steph, Coby is the lone vote for Janu and everyone else votes for Coby. Janu is literally STUNNED, and also, probably horrified. Coby praises everyone for being "smart" enough to get rid of him, which is just so self-serving. They got rid of you because you were a loose cannon, not becasue you were the brilliant manipulator you fancy yourself to be (and that you WERE when the game started, before you gave in to your temper and your insecurities). Jen and I started singing that Radiohead song that they always used to play in the early days of "The Real World," you know, the one that goes, "You do it to yourself, And that's what really hurts, you do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else..." I'm kinda surprised Gregg and Jenn didn't make a move with Coby here, because now they only have the numbers to tie Tom's four--but then, they probably don't realize it's a final four. They want to move against Ian and Tom, and in their minds, they still have the numbers to do it. And who's to say they don't, this being Survivor and all.

Coby finishes in 9th place--the first seat on the jury. 9th place was where we lost lovable Greg and his coconut phone and finger-wagging tough chick Alicia. In Africa, Kelly wrongly paid the price for Lex's paranoia, and in the Marquesas, the Smuggly Alliance was undone when John was ousted--he was so stunned he bawled like a baby--ah, good times. In Thailand, buxom Erin met her end--don't worry, no one else remembers her either. In the Amazon, self-proclaimed rocket scientist Dave departed in 9th, the same place as cute Ryan-O, friend to the pelican. Last season, Sarge was knifed in the back by Twila at this point in the game. Coby's meltdown is reminiscent of Gabe in Marquesas, Deana, Alex and Christa in the Amazon, and Trish in The Pearl Islands--people who had a good thing going, had at least several people ahead of them in the pecking order if they just played it cool, and instead brought about they're own demise by flipping on their alliances or being wishy-washy or being arrogant. Coby engineered his own demise so that it would be on his terms, but it was short-sighted--he could have easily prevailed and wormed his way into the Final Four, in my opinion.

I'm excited again! Individual immunity will make things fun and I'm really looking forward to see who has to go it alone in exile--I hope it's not Steph! :o That would be sad. I'm glad Jeff and Burnett want to start punishing people who haven't bothered to try to excel. In terms of voting, I think Janu's stuck there until she quits--she's no threat. But she doesn't seem to want to go the distance, so will she be willing to join Gregg and Jenn?? And Caryn?? That's her option if Tom, Ian, Katie and Steph are strong. I think it's likely that Caryn will follow Tom's orders and dump either Gregg or Jenn--whoever doesn't get immunity. On the other hand, I could see them axing Janu out of fairness to the rest of the players, who deserve to go further in the game than she does. Getting rid of Gregg or Jenn this early would really hack them off, and I think the blame would fall on Tom. If the game goes the way he wants, he's got at least 3 people on that jury who resent the hell out of him--Coby, Caryn and Jenn. He needs to go in with Katie if he wants to get any of their votes. I know, it's early, but that's my take so far.

Peace! Christine :D

Survivor 10.8 "We had a great lead. We just suck at puzzles."

Hey everyone. I was watching A&E the other night, and they've started showing old reruns of "TJ Hooker." A& freaking E. I guess some executive told them they needed less A and more E, but even still...TJ Hooker? I was never a regular watcher in the 80's, but it WAS the 80s so I'm sure I watched it once or twice--because we had so few channels back in those dark days. But anyway, you've just gotta watch the opening credits sequence--it's like a satire of over-the-top 80s action shows, only they were totally serious: running Shatner, exploding car, exploding car, Running Zmed with gun drawn, exploding car, heather locklear in a bikini--then exploding car THEN Locklear running with gun drawn, two cars on fire chasing each other, James Darren, exploding car. It's AWESOME.

So anyway, Survivor. I'm...not thrilled. Don't get me wrong, it's not Thailand bad, but it's really bugging me how many people at Er-Ror are getting a free ride. Ugh, those girls, Janu, Katie and Jenn! UGH! I don't like the idea of the jury being stocked with boring lazy nobodies. Who ARE these people!? These people are gonna be on the flipping jury and we haven't spend 5 minutes with them!! AGH! Maybe that will change as the show goes on. It's really gonna be like a different show: It's like the first half of the season was about the doomed U-turns, and the next half will be about Er-Ror. Well, let's get on with it...

SAME OLD SAME OLD

Bobby Jon and Steph marvel at how weird it is to be the only players left on the tribe, and are optimistic about winning since they are indeed the strongest remaining U-Turns. Sigh.

CAMP COMPLACENCY

The smug winners of Er-Ror have strewn half-eaten coconuts all over camp, and Tom has hung the fetid head of the shark he killed on a post near camp, attracting flies and rats that are symbolic of the corruption and torpidity but also very real and gross. Coby is disgusted by his tribe and moves the sharkhead away from the shelter. He's sick of doing all the work around camp while the lazy ladies (Janu, Katie and Jenn) do nothing, "Janu is on her 8th straight day of boo-hoo I wanna go home--will you just quit already?" Word. Coby contemplates pushing al three of them in the fire--hopefully, he'll start with useless Cameron Diaz Doppelganger Jenn.

REWARD LIMERICK

I've run out of new ways to rhyme
how Ulong loses time after time
they try really hard
but the effort is marred
they are failure's new paradigm

So reward is for 55 gallons of fresh water in a drum for their shower head (which I think Steph and Bobby Jon tore down at U-Turn) and a gift basket full of refreshing Scope citrus mouthwash and that proven cavity-fighter Crest, etc. etc. It's a gross food challenge, which I don't ENJOY exactly, but the fun of them is seeing everyone have to do it, and having it in a week where only Tom, Ian, Bobby Jon and Steph have to do it is yet another letdown. This is what I'm talking about--there are people who haven't done jack, like Katie, since they got there. I mean, Janu actually won some rounds in that gladiator thing, and Jenn got her ass whupped but she was there. Katie came up with the "Got Food" slogan for the signal fire, and isn't that pretty much it? Untied some knots that one time? UGH! There are too many coasters in this game. Cheerleaders, who sit in the stands and never have to put themselves on the line. SO, the four have to eat these partially-fertilized ducks, wings and beaks and all, and everyone does it just fine. Bobby Jon and Ian are kinda arrogant with their glib asides and running commentary, and it comes down to a time trial between bobby Jon and Tom, and Tom wins by yet another narrowest-of-margins. Bobby Jon and Steph slink off, and Coby looks sorry for them...

KING TOM AND PRINCESS STEPHENIE

Once the water tower has been delivered, Jenn wants a shower. Coby agrees with Tom that they shouldn't use ANY of the fresh water to shower--they should drink it. Ian tries to placate both sides, but Tom asserts his authority. Jenn is mightily miffed, "Tom is a mean old dictator! Hello!? 55 gallons is a lot of water, okay? I was just gonna use like...one or two...or maybe ten gallons! But no one would stand up to King Tom. I wasn't gonna do it, I could totally see that coming back to haunt me, "Oh, Jenn wanted to use the water for her bath." Uh, so even you acknowledge it would be selfish and stupid so what's your point? She maintains that Tom's being "a sourpuss" might lead to his ouster, while Tom is genuinely aghast that anyone would consider using fresh water--that doesn't have to be hauled and boiled--to bathe with rather than drink, and he's absolutely right BUT, he should be careful if he thinks being King Tom, the mighty shark hunter and all-around great awesome guy DOESN'T mean he could get toppled by the votes of those inferior to him. It's a game of numbers, not virtues.

POST MORTEM AD NAUSEUM

Bobby Jon and Steph are frustrated because they REALLY thought that THIS was gonna be zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bobby Jon says, "I was opening my throat as wide as I could but Tom kept shoving his in faster." A childish America snickers at how dirty that sounded. Bobby Jon feels like he could beat anyone on the Er-Ror tribe except Tom, whom he keeps losing to head-to-head. Steph is all, "Yeah, it's weird how you keep getting put against him and losing...well, you're the strongest on our tribe and he's the strongest on theirs." Gee, Steph, passive-aggressive much? Bobby Jon goes on a tear, ripping down trees and smashing rocks and whatnot, "I guess guys need to throw things, punch things, make noise, whatever they can to feel manly when they're pissed off," Steph shrugs. She thinks his anger is a good thing, since he took all their previous 67 losses too well. It really is endearing how they keep trying to figure out what went wrong, and retool. They never quit, which is admirable, especially when you contrast it with the unfounded bragging of unworthy coattail-riders like Katie...

"Being undefeated is glorious but spending all this time with the same people sucks--things are gonna change though. We're gonna start eating each other and it won't be boring anymore, Christine, I PROMISE." Well Katie, I'll believe it when I see it. Ian and Tom confabulate about their alliance. Ian warns, "Our only concern is Gregg and Jenn. If they turn, they need to be broken up." Um. If they turn, you all are in trouble because one of you will be getting voted out and that's how you'll learn that they've "turned." See, I like Ian and Tom, I really do, but they've gotten to cocky. If they get duped and overthrown, they've only got themselves to blame. They're putting a lot of eggs into Steph's basket, which I like in principle because I think she's waaaay more deserving of Final Four status than several of their tribe mates, but WHY count on that? If they were smart, they'd recognize Coby as a volatile, emotional player and try to give him some sort of assurance, maybe rope him into their Final Four? Or is too much of a physical threat? THey see the Final Four as them, Katie and Steph. I guess this is smart because nobody's gonna want to give that million dollars to Katie, and maybe they think an all Er-Ror jury wouldn't reward Steph. What they're not seeing is that they are just as obvious and threatening an alliance, if not more so, than Gregg and Jenn's make-out party. Tom says Steph could be the wolf in sheep's clothing that no one sees coming--but how can they keep her around without arousing suspicion? It's definitely in their favor if Steph can stay unmerged. I wonder if Tom and Ian might even throw an immunity or two to keep her safe? Ian promises, "We are on the verge of utter ridiculousness!" Please, somebody wake me up if that happens, I'd hate to miss it.

DIRTY BOBBY JON

Steph is having a hard time being alone with Bobby Jon. Not only do they have nothing in common, save the obvious ones about being stranded on remote island on an internationally-televised game show, but also, Bobby Jon is filthy all the time and doesn't bathe and he blows snot rockets in the sleeping area of the cave and he eats the shells of the crabs they catch. Ewww. Yet, he's still awfully pretty to look at. Maybe Steph can say that on TV since she has a boyfriend, but I'd take some comfort in that. Steph has a momentary breakdown, and cries about how hard it is and how alone she feels, but rebounds when Bobby Jon catches a fish and they get some protein in their bodies. Survivor i basically just one long infomercial for protein, really. The tree mail says they're gonna have to complete a puzzle to win, and though Steph is back to being optimistic, America knows they're doomed. Then they almost kill themselves trying to get the heavy outrigger into the water.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

there once was a really strong tribe
they had strong girls and even strong guys
they weren't all that smart
they were always apart
race and puzzle led to their demise

Jeff gets Mickey the Monkey back from Janu. The competition is a tough one--one person swims out to some pontoons and dives for bags of (sigh) puzzle pieces. I think I mention last season that I hate that phrase, "puzzle pieces." I know that's insane, but it just grates on me. Anyway, they dive down, get the bag, climb up onto the pontoons and run across these floating boards back to the beach, next person does the same, until they have four bags. Then they have to put together a puzzle on a board that forms a word scramble. Then they have to find a bunch of words. Then they have to have circle all the letters that are in two words at once, the intersecting ones, and unscramble those into a three-word phrase. As soon as Jeff said "puzzle," America knew Bobby Jon and Steph were doomed. It's an exhausting race, and Steph and Bobby Jon get off to a good lead over Greg and Coby, but in the last leg, Coby pulls even with Bobby Jon--it doesn't even matter though because it takes the Bobby Jon and Steph forever to assemble their puzzle, and by the time they're trying to read over Coby's shoulder to steal words, he and Greg are already trying to figure out the three word phrase, which turns out to be "Victory at Sea." Then Jeff reveals how two-people can still be in a tribe when they can't vote for themselves--they will compete against each other for individual immunity! Oh my gosh! A U-Turn will finally win immunity! :D At the other's expense :(

THE BAD NEWS ER-RORS

At Er-Ror beach, Caryn tries to remind us that this was the misfit team, the three oldest players, the gay guy, the skinny guy, the showgirl, the movie-star, the professor and Mary Ann, here on CBS Isle. THey all celebrate having at least made the jury. The team acknowledge Coby for his MVP status in physical challenges, and he's proud because he's never been part of a team before. He reveals how he was called a sissy his whole life and quit school and quit any athletic endeavor he ever attempted because of the timeless cruelty of jock boys. He gets very weepy about his determination to not quit and to succeed. I hope he does go far in the game, I just wish his best chance for survival didn't involve Ken and Barbie.

ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING OF INADEQUACY

"We had a great lead. We just suck at puzzles," Steph shrugs. Well, and racing, running, swimming, fishing, building stuff, being creative, tying knots, untying knots...pretty much everything, Steph, let's be honest here. She and Bobby Jon now face being rivals. Steph frets about coming back to the cave alone, and maintaining the camp, "He does a lot of the work I can't do," she admits. Bobby Jon is fearless, and confident in his ability to fend for himself for weeks on end if he has to. He's amused by Steph as she tries to figure out what the challenge will be, "Steph thinks non-stop, she even thinks in 'er sleep ah reckon. She's thinkin' raht now 'How can ah kick Bobby Jon's ass?"' That's jes' how she is." He says that the whole team thing has been "cute" but he's ready to compete on his own, "It's team Bobby Jon raht now." But not for long...

***We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you the Chachi and Amber report****

Chachi and Amber leave Botswana, headed for India. Chachi is STILL wearing Amber's Red Sox hat. I am convinced that Boston Rob had a lot to do with the disappointing opening of "Fever Pitch" last week. Oh, that and the fact that most people in America either hate the Boston Red Sox or don't give a rat's butt about them, contrary to what EAST SPN et al seem to believe. The whole country WASN'T rooting for the Red Sox last year. They sucked for 90 years and then they finally won--who cares!? AGH! Anyway, there's this whole thing at the Botswana airport where Chachi and Amber team up with former POW Ron and beauty queen Kelly (who isn't all that pretty, there I said it). And Rob tells the lady not to help the other teams, and they're all outside booking flights on some guy's cell phone so it doesn't even matter and Ron and Kelly fret about being associated with Chachi and Amber. So they go to India, which is usually HORRIBLE on the Amazing Race--people get ripped off and groped on trains and shoved and pushed around and led on wild goose chases by cab drivers. This doesn't happen this episode--in fact, everyone's so aggressively helpful, with handy English speaking gentlemen offering kindness and help at every turn, which leads me to believe the Indian government finally figured out why they were losing all that tourism revenue, and decided to put their best face forward. I'm still never going to India, thank you.

In India, the first clue is in some sort of temple where women are required to cover their heads with a scarf, and Chachi takes one two and drapes it around his Red Sox cap, because he don't know no better. Then they race to the Yield. A Yield is where the first team to get to it can stop any team they choose for a predetermined amount of time. Chachi and Amber know the other teams don't like them, so they know they need to get their first. They don't, Ron and Kelly get there a second ahead of them, but don't use it because they're *friends,* and you know how well it pays to be Chachi's friend. He mocks them (behind their backs) for not being competitive and smaahht enough to use it--he's really such an ass. When Amber breezes through the (very easy) roadblock, Ron and Kelly lament the "unbelievable luck" the Survivor millionaires have had, and regret not yielding them. All the teams take part in a detour that involves delivering cups of tea in and Indian office building--probably the very building I get connected to when I need tech support for my Gateway computer. Chachi throws a mini fit when he thinks Ron and Kelly are following him through the building, even though they don't really have much of a choice. Then they race through the streets and up to the top of another building, where Phil tells a weary Rob and Amber that this isn't the end of the leg...so no elimination this week. We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor review...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Steph puts a good spin on things as usual, telling Jeff how much they enjoyed their time together and that they're the best two people from the worst tribe ever and the best person will win out tonight. Bobby Jon says it's weird that they've been through so much, yet the game is only half over. When Steph expresses a little self-doubt about her ability to survive without him, he insists, "She can do anything a man can do, ah'll tell you that." Jeff asks Bobby Jon what's the most important thing, living on the island, and Bobby Jon gets it right: fire. After 10 seasons of "Fire represents life," you better believe that's the right answer, kinda like guessing "Jesus" was the right answer in Sunday School. Jeff reveals that the winner tonight will be the first person to ignite their torch with a fire they build in a drum below it. Bobby Jon is the early favorite, because he always starts it at camp, and Steph doesn't think she's all that good at it. But the contest once again strikes Bobby Jon's Achilles brain. He gets his fire lit first, but Steph wisely builds a tower of kindling wood under the combustible coconut husk, ensuring that her flame will be higher faster than Bobby Jon's and just like that, the most-deserving of the lowly U-Turns lives to fight another day. Gallant and sweet 'til the end, Bobby Jon whispers, "Win this thing, awright?" as he leaves and gives a polite, "Thank you, sir," to Jeff when he snuffs out his flame. You just gotta love that Sweet Bobby Jon.

Bobby Jon finishes in 10th place, where good Gretchen was felled by the evil Hatch's alliance in season one and where arrogant Jeff was ousted in season two. In Africa, Clarence was finally kicked out for his role in Beancangate and in Marquesas, we thought we'd seen the last of Boston Rob aka Chachi, but he's gone on to plague us ever since. In Thailand, fellow All-Star Shii Ann shot herself in the foot when she turned on her jerky tribe too soon, only to learn the merge hadn't actually happened yet. Roger was betrayed by his all-male tribe when they chose to hang with the ladies instead of him and Dave, and things got very confusing in the Amazon when Big Whiny Osten and Big Bully Shawn were voted out--only to allow Big Bully Burton and Scoutmaster Lill back in---I'm still bent about that. The following week, Coach Andrew, who would've loved Bobby Jon for his use of sports metaphors and for always giving 150 million percent, was also felled in 10th place. Finally, last year Rory was eliminated by Ami's girl-power alliance before he could burn anything down.

Tonight, let's hope Steph can win at least one more Immunity, so she can at least make the jury over one of Er-Ror's undeserving women. Katie and Jenn seem protected by alliance, but Janu's gotta be on top of the list--it'd be a shame if we lost Caryn, who at least works around camp and is cantankerous and interesting as opposed to vapid Jenn. I just don't know if Steph can get that outrigger into the water by herself :(

Peace Out! :D Christine

PS If any of you are watching the big Jeopardy Tournament of Champions, be sure to root for Bob Verini, one of the "seeded" former champs appearing in the second round (and perhaps beyond). He's not just the friend of a friend, he's a sometime reader of this review. Go Bob!

PS 2 You MUST watch the last ten minutes of the encore presentation of "America's Next Top Model" on UPN at 9pm and watch Tyra Banks go OFF on this girl, Tiffany. It's reality TV at it's very best!

Survivor 10.7 "We ate shark until we were sick, actually."

For those who read the review on the Blog, sorry for the delay--the site crashed yesterday...

MOST BORING EPISODE EVER

Really. They killed a damn shark, and it was STILL BORING. I won't waste too much of your time on this one.

CLAN OF THE CAVE TRIBE

The almost extinct U-Turns hang out in their cave of shame and Steph babbles, "Maybe we're like a second-half team and we could start winning...I dunno, it could happen. Have you met my pet unicorn, Miranda? Miranda thinks the merge is gonna happen today, and I'll win individual immunity every single time and I'll never ever go home!" Ib muses, "It's weird to spend so much time with...people. Anyway, maybe is some weird way losing our whole tribe is gonna help us go further in the game." Steph beams, "That's what Miranda JUST told me!" When Ib leaves the cave, Steph tells Bobby Jon they made the right decision in booting James, "And when we lose--I mean, if we...it's just good we're an alliance, right?" Bobby Jon nods glumly--he has conspirator's remorse.

TOM GETS ON WITH HIS BAD SELF

It's another lazy day for the winningest tribe in Survivor history. Tom is doing crunches on the beach to keep his stomach flat, when Ian comes in withe biggest clam ever and everybody chows down. They put the bloody shell in the water to attract a shark, but when they do, Ian and Greg fail to spear it. NEVER FEAR: TOM IS HERE! Tom strides down the beach, machete in hand and WHACK! He fells the shark in one stroke (he also cuts his shoulder a bit, which only adds fuel to my "someone's gonna kill themselves with one of those machete's someday" theory. Everyone bows down to the mighty Tom, who laments that his "flying under the radar as the old guy" gambit was shot to hell so completely. Ian good-naturedly laments being trumped in the provider department and vows to bring in a whale. Coby admits, "It's gonna be real hard for me and Greg to vote Tom out now." No Duh.

REWARD LIMERICK

Make a signal that's seen from the air
and add in some artistic flare
the prize won't be much
some fish hooks and such
it's almost like we just don't care

So, the teams have to build a signal fire, and everyone at home has post-traumatic stress flashbacks of Tom flouncing around in Africa in his skivvies with a big feather jammed down his butt crack. The U-Turn's destroy their old shelter and the bathroom that James Who Should Be Jim Bob created in order to fuel their fire. Bobby Jon carries too much wood at once and almost breaks his back, and continues his hero-worship of the other tribe, "They're jes' a real good trahb--I bet they work real hard too--no, you know what? I'll bet they work real smart too. Those guys are amazing."

At Er-Ror, Greg, Caryn and Katie volunteer to make their team's signal. Caryn and Katie seem to be working fine together, so maybe their conflict has blown over--which'd be a shame because it WAS interesting. Type-A Tom drums his fingers impatiently, fretting that the task may be a disaster without his leadership, but they do just fine, thank you very much. It' very close, and the expert guy basically gives it too Er-Ror because they're sign is bigger and is set further down the beach than U-Turns. Er-Ror also got cute with "Got food?" as opposed to U-Turn's straight-forward "Ulong" but I think that's a dumb criteria--I doubt a real rescue team would be giving points for creativity and not rescuing if you didn't give them a chuckle whilst you begged for aid. The Er-rors get some wine, some military MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat) and some more fishing stuff. Caryn huffs, "We're a well-oiled machine. We win all the time for a REASON, not just because the other tribe sucks." Yep, you guys sure are, *yawn* awesome. The U-Turns are bummed as usual, but things look up when Bobby Jon recovers a big clam and a little fish. "It felt like I scored a touchdown or a run or a point, in a big game. Not the winning point, I wouldn't go that far, no sir, but a point, and I was mighty proud uh that, yes sir." Bobby Jon makes a sports reference, everyone take one drink. Ib claims that this was exciting to everyone but his demeanor remains Juliesque. He's not quite as robotic as Julie was last season, but his definition of excited is very different from mine. Anyway, they chow down and Ib smiles, 'We got protein, we got carbs, we got everything!" Naturally, it won't make the slightest difference come Immunity Challenge Time...

THE DATING LAME

So, this episode is so uneventful that we actually have to sit through this segment where Greg and Jenn (aptly dubbed "Ken and Barbie" by Coby) go up the hill to fetch a pail of water, and discuss their relationship and it's just an insipid conversation. Greg thinks he's a master strategist and doesn't want to hurt his chances in the game by getting too close to Jenn, and Jenn is worried that he's been pulling away from her, and obviously they're both idiots because they've been making out and cuddling and holding hands and fetching water together the entire time they've been here and everyone considers them a couple and everyone is already concerned about it. Agh, idiots. Also, Greg and Jenn make Rob and Amber seem like Heathcliff and Catherine from "Wuthering Heights." Speaking of Rob and Amber...

**THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT***

We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you the latest installment of "The Chachi and AMber Report," as they continue their race to yet another million bucks on yet another reality show. And I gotta tell ya, they're doing really well. Frighteningly well. At the start of the leg (they're still in Botswana) Chachi blathers, "Duh gloves uh owf, we got no friends left in duh race," even though they never, ever had friends in the race--at least not in front of the cameras, wink wink, nod nod. They ramble through the African bush country, marveling at the ostriches, giraffes and elephants. Amber gushes, "We're the two luckiest people in the whole wide WORLD," as America gnashes it's teeth, "WE KNOW! GAH!!!" They have to do a Detour where they either have to balance some items on their head, or milk some goats. they try the balancing but fail, so they move onto the goats, who bleat taunts at them. The "Former POW" and his "Beauty Queen" girlfriend bicker throughout, prompting Amber to brag on how well she and Rob work as a team, while Chachi grins, "Dat udduh gul di'nt wanna getta pretty li'l hands dahty--muh gul got duh job done!" America goes, "Awwww," and hates itself for it. They clear some logs off a road and then Rob sees a running giraffe, "Wat's dat on it's back, uh monkey?" "That's his tail, Rob," Amber sighs. Oh, Rob. They finish in first place and win YET ANOTHER TRIP, this one to Monte Carlo. So CBS is already paying for two honeymoons, and probably their wedding if they do indeed televise it (I'm ashamed at how much I want to watch it) I'm starting to worry they might win. There's a clip show tonight, but I ain't watchin' it, I'm watching "Lost." And those "never before seen" clips they put in with the highlights are always lame anyway. We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor review...

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

There once was a tribe made of three
who could never win immunity
no matter the game
the results were the same
they'll go down in loser history

So, it's a puzzle and the real poem claimed that the only way the team could lose was to be lazy, but I'm pretty sure the U-Turns lost because they're dumb. They get a little puzzle to practice with, to see how to do it, and then they get to the beach and there's a giant puzzle out in the ocean, and one person is the caller and the other two float in the water and move the pieces. Steph gives her customary "we're gonna win this time," delusional rave. They get to the beach and Jeff asks Er-Ror, "May I please have your mascot, Mickey the Monkey? Just for a second, I'll give him back in a few minutes." The Er-Ror's laugh. Bobby Jon smiles, "Well, we caught a fish, and we're right proud of that." The Er-Rors steal his thunder with the tale of Tom and the shark, and Tom boasts, "We ate shahk until we wuh sick, actually." And the U-Turns aren't even bitter, they're just star-struck, "Wow, did you hear that? TOm caught a shark!" "I know, he's so awesome! Er-Ror RULES!" Anyway, Coby masterfully directs Jenn and Janu, and even though Janu almost drowns because she's so weak, they still win easily over befuddled U-Turn, because Bobby Jon gets confused and can't do the puzzle at all and Steph has to relieve him from brain duty. Steph, being Steph, makes up a lot of ground, but Bobby Jon's made too much a mess outta things Er-Ror wins AGAIN. Sigh...

CAMP CLUELESS

THe thing I love about these guys is, they keep talking like they still matter, like they aren't gonna be toast and gobbled up up as soon as the tribes merge (stranger things have happened, I guess). Ib shakes his head, "We were all shocked that we were going back to Tribal Council." Uh, nobody else was, dude. Bobby Jon is torn between his 'Bama buddy Ibrehem and Steph, whom he promised to align with when they plotted to oust James Who Should Be Jim Bob. He tells us, "Ib'd take it lahk a man if ah voted for him, Steph'd be real upset lahk since she thinks we made this big-time agreement and all." Uh, hate to break it to you Bobby Jon, but you did. I mean, I'd have no problem with him breaking his word, seeing as how Steph lied to him and played him, but he DID straight-up tell her he'd vote out Ib instead of her when, oh, I mean if, ha ha, they lost again. Incredibly, Ib and Bobby Jon have never had a discussion about alliances or voting pacts--have they EVER watched this show!? Still, Steph isn't pleased with the squirrelly answer she gets from Bobby Jon when she tries to get his assurance of loyalty, so she goes to Ib and, without making eye contact, suggests, "I'd...I dunno, vote for Bobby Jon...and you could too, if you want...whatever." Oy! Indecision reigns as always at U-Turn.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Now that James Who Should Be Jim Bob is gone, Jeff is all full of compassion. He does ask why they picked bobby Jon to be the caller and they're all like, it seemed like a good idea at the time, we don't know no better, Jeff. They talk about how close they are, and how hard it is to be losers and to vote each other out, blah blah blah, no one's ready to go, they're all equally deserving. When Jeff points out that they've been beaten by every conceivable variation of the Er-Ror tribe, Bobby Jon sighs, "We haven't rose tuh the occasion." Ib votes for Steph, Steph votes for Ib, and Bobby Jon votes out Ib, who's a little surprised by the whole thing, seeing how he and Bobby Jon were friends from the beginning. I've got nothing against Ib, but he's not very interesting, so I'm glad it went down that way. He's so low-energy that Jeff Probst is probably dating him now ;) Jeff gives them a pep talk, saying "The good news is, you keep believing in yourselves as a tribe, don't lose that spirit." Which is odd because...they're gonna merge...RIGHT?

Ibrehem finishes in 11th place, the final resting place of Joel, who preached alliance--if only his doomed tribe had listened. Michael fell into the fire at this point in the game, foul-mouthed Lindsay was ousted here, as was Hunter's only ally, Gina. Dumbb Robb was put out of our misery here, as was Shawna, the Amazon hostage who begged her team to oust her earlier, then became a liability when she started scamming on Alex. Trish went crazy and tried to stab Rupert in the back for no apparent reason, fast-forwarding her demise, and John K. finished 11th last season when Sarge decided Twila was more trustworthy than he was--whoops!

Tonight--they have to merge, since Steph and Bobby Jon are stalemate in a bottle right now. Right? I just don't see how they avoid it, but I'd love to be surprised (provided we don't have a "return of the losers" like we did in the Pearl Islands. Bobby Jon seems the likely victim, chauvinism being what is (they'll get rid of the strong man, even though Steph is the bigger threat).

Peace Out--and Happy 10th anniversary to Brady and Andrea on Friday! Wow! :D

Christine