Survivor 10.9 "I'm ready to wet myself, I don't know what to do!"

STEPH IS THE CHEESE

Steph is now all alone at what was once U-Turn Beach. She's hardly able to sleep because she's so afraid the fire might go out (yes, she just made fire to win immunity, but remember, she doesn't have matches back at camp. "I'll never give up," she resolves, "I'm not a quitter." Believe me, Steph, we know. I can't imagine hating Steph, but even if you do, you gotta admire her spirit of adventure and competitive drive, which stands in sharp contrast to Er-Ror's many slackers...

ONE BIG CRAPPY FAMILY

At Er-Ror, success has bred familiarity which has begat contempt. Ian is sick of Coby's whining and Janu's laziness. He refers to Janu as the tribe's "dysfunctional aunt who lives in the attic," and we hope he's making a metaphor and not speaking from actual experience (it's not in his official CBS bio, but ya never know). Then he refers to Coby as the tribe's "resident pouter," and I thought he said, "resident Powder," and thought he was making an obscure reference to that terrible, terrible movie about the supernatural albino weirdo played by bald young Indiana Jones--the one that was directed by the child molester? Big ups to you if you don't know what I'm talking about. Coby is busy washing Caryn's hair and filling her ears with his discontent, which she probably shares as a fellow outsider (Caryn's been oddly quiet these last few episodes, or has at least been edited that way). Coby bitches about the fact that every time Ian gets fruit or Tom catches a clam, everyone throws a party. He's also bitter about the lazy gals [cut to: Katie and Jenn sunning themselves on the shore] and has decided to stop getting food and firewood, "I'm very cranky and everyone around here knows it. I'm desperately trying to control my temper." Based on his actions later on in the episode, I think Coby needs to get a dictionary and look up, "trying." And "self-destructive." And "idiot." Then he mocks the rest of the men for their "pretend fishing," and indeed the guys are sitting around contemplating their fish hooks and not actually trying to catch food--but then again, neither is Coby.

SOLITARY WOMAN

Well, sitting around contemplating her fishhooks isn't an option for Steph--and not just because she doesn't HAVE any fishhooks. She doesn't have any food and she doesn't have any help. She does have heart, and takes the boat out to fish, but even the sea life has deserted her. Then she tries to knock down a coconut from a tree and almost dislocates her shoulder, so she has to climb it. The morning's ordeal leaves her spent and despairing, "But if I win, it'll be worth it...that'd be awesome," she manages to say through her tears. Then she gets Tree Mail. It's a cannister that says, "Do NOT Open, Give to Er-ROR." Then she cries tears of joy when she reads that she's supposed to pack up all her stuff and head over to Er-Ror, "It's a merge! I'm gonna have friends!" But it doesn't actually say that, and I have to admit, I was totally afraid they were gonna have her bring all her stuff over and then say, "In your FACE , Steph! Now you have to live alone in your cave with no supplies! HA HA!" Because CBS is a bastard. She loads up her canoe with tools and whatnot and heads to the next phase of the game...

THE NEW KID IN CAMP

There having some kind of group nap at Er-Ror when Steph strides into camp (having parked her boat a mile away). Janu is in full-on "Camille" mode, sniffing a flower and fantasizing about death. Jenn is the first to notice her, droning, "Ohmigod you guys, it's her." Everyone's so excited that something new is happening that they fall all over her, hugging and laughing and welcoming. Steph is beside herself and admits, "I was all alone--I almost had a nervous breakdown!" Janu beams, "Me TOO! Except...for the all alone part." Gregg reads the cannister, which does indeed reveal that Steph is now a member of the Er-Ror tribe (phew!) and she gets a new brown buff (So no new tribe name, no new-colored merge buffs this year). The new buff is so clean that the dirty Survivors gather around and smell it before they allow Steph to put it on--folks, this is what happens when you deprive people of television for 22 days. She's overwhelmed by how cool the "Most Kick-Ass Shelter Ever" is, what with it's roof and places to sit, and of course she's thrilled to get to drink some of the clean water they won last week. Then Steph, Katie and Jenn slip off for some girl talk and they all giggle like teenagers as Steph disses Kim for her bad attitude and dishes about Kim and Idiot Jeff, which prompts "eeewwwww's" from the other girls, though I don't see how it's any grosser than Gregg and Jenn's Make-Out parties (which Steph doesn't know about, yet.) Jenn tell us, "Steph and I hit it off on the first day--but that was before I knew how competitive she was. She needs go before she can weasel her way into the tribe." Um. Too late. Coby is also out of the loop when he mocks Katie for acting like she has a special bond with Steph, unaware that she DOES. It's called an ALLIANCE. DUM DUM DUM!

A VISIT FROM THE NEIGHBORS

A couple of really big Paluan men show up to teach the group how to fish. Actually, they teach the men how to fish, which sort of offends me, but the guys seem so eager to do it, I guess it's not something they'd want to share with the girls, and the girls don't appear to feel left out (only 2 of the five girls are "workers" per se) so I guess everyone's happy. Except Coby, who throws a fit when Tom, Ian and Gregg all want to go fishing once Coby volunteers to continue to catch bait on shore. Coby feels rejected, and Tom is too consumed with making sure his island son, Ian, gets to do whatever he wants to do to bother with not hurting Coby's feelings. Tom's really into that boss-man thing. If things go down the way he wants, with Steph, Ian and Katie joining him in the Final Four, I think he loses to anyone BUT lazy Katie. He's a great provider, but he's also chosen to be a bit of a martinet, which won't behoove him when it comes to campaigning for votes. Then Tom gathers the girls and starts to teach them how to catch the bait and Coby gets bent and insists, "I'm in charge of the bait thing!" And stamps his foot and rolls around on the ground kicking and shrieking, and they have to get one of those "Nanny 911" ladies to calm him down. The boys go off with the Palauans and catch a bunch of fish and a lobster. There's this really cool camera shot where we see a fish Tom catches as it zooms through the water on Tom's line and then up into the boat. The fish looked as big as a man in the water, but in the boat, it's only big as a hand. A major feast is had, and it's supplemented with some rum that the visitors brought. Tom gets loaded and slurry and stupid, and fortunately doesn't say to Steph, "Hey, ya know youse innnna Final Four with me an Katie and Ian!" He does fall really hard and surrogate son Ian has to help put him to bed before he really hurts himself--On a Very After School Special Survivor.

COBYLOO

The next day, everyone sincerely thanks the Palauans for their help, but Coby's certain that Tom's being fake when he tells the Palauans are welcome at their tribe anytime. Coby was so sweet and fun, and last week I was rooting for him to make it to end. Suddenly, all I want do is smack him. He has this notion that any politeness and friendliness is wrong because they're all trying to vote one another out, "everyone's acting like they aren't playing the game and they aren't plotting against each other and we're all one big happy family!" No, they're just not going out of their way to be obnoxious and obvious about their intentions, Coby--you should try it some time. No? Okay, well, nice knowing you. Coby's actually idealistic enough to be rooting for Steph, and declares it his mission to work Steph into the tribe and into the game because she deserves it, unaware that she's long been part of his enemies agenda. Because they're playing a smarter game than he is. Well, slightly smarter (Steph's their only secret). Coby seals his fate when he drags Steph away from Katie when the gals are about to wash up in the ocean. Katie calls Jenn and Gregg over to roll her eyes about how blatant Coby is being, and Gregg and Jenn nervously agree that Coby is insane while they fret about him squealing on them--and they're right to be nervous because that's exactly what Coby's doing--he tells Steph about the major alliance (everyone except him, Caryn and Janu) and about Gregg and Jenn's plan to turn on Tom and Ian and he insists that Jenn is especially jealous and resentful of her because Steph always kicked her ass at head to head challenges. He tells her that it will either be Steph or Janu going home tonight. In the words of Yoda, "There is another." Coby is very proud of his boldness, boasting, "talking to Steph was like claiming land--I talked to her first, and she was very appreciative that I was straight with her. They can talk to her all they want--I talked to her FIRST." Oh, Coby. Steph tells Jenn and Katie some of what Coby told her, under the guise of being completely upfront. She doesn't let on that she knows of Gregg and Jenn's intentions, and she doesn't single Jenn out at all, claiming Cobby said they were both jealous of her and playing it off like its all a big joke. Soon after, se see her with Tom, and Tom gives her the assurance that she's got friends in the tribe, "I don't know the exact orduh, because immunity is the one aspect of duh game that I don't control, but rest assured dere's a lot of udduh people goin' home befoh you." Did Steph tell Tom that Gregg and Jenn were eager to flip on he and Ian> Or did she keep that under hat in case she decides to go that way too (think about it--she's gotta be fairly confident about kicking Jenn's ass if they wind up in the Final Four together.)? For now, it's a mystery.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

Coby was playing it smart
his eggs weren't all in one cart
but then he went nuts
no ifs ands or butts
and speeded up when he'd depart

Jeff lets Steph touch his monkey. The Immunity Monkey, that is, seeing as she never had. Then he retires it, and trots out the old Immunity necklace, complete with shark teeth. The Immunity necklaces are always the same--I think it should be more obnoxious, like a big ol' crown that says, "U Can't Touch This!" Jeff takes a swipe at Er-Ror's many weaklings, reminding them, "Now everyone has to compete--that may be a shock for many of you who've been sitting on your ass for 23 days." [cut to: Katie] The challenge is a Survivor classic--stand on a perch as long as you can. Also, they will go immediately to Tribal Council (which means they don't have their bags with them, which I guess doesn't matter since they don't have bags). I love immediate Tribal Councils! Jeff gets comfy as the Survivors begin their trial. He quizzes Tom about Steph, bringing up the fact that she's essentially a free vote if they want to keep Er-Ror intact. Tom says, "Dat's certainly one option--you'll just have to wait and see what happens tonight." Jeff scowls, "I watch the dailies, Tom! I know everything! I know there's no way in hell Steph's going home tonight, so there!" Actually, Jeff doesn't say that, but Coby practically does. He doesn't even wait for Jeff to ask him he just chimes in, "Puhleese, let's not be STUPID, you big bunch of lying creeps. Everyone's playing a game, and everyone knows what the alliances are and everyone knows that unlike most of you, I can't be CONTROLLED so I strongly encourage you to vote for ME tonight! Me! Vote for Me!" Coby just has issues, man. He's so afraid that the others think they're getting one over on him, and he's more concerned that they know he's too smart to be conned than he is with working anything to his advantage. Yes, he's on the outside this week, but things change. Why not try to last as long as you can and be ready when Katie pisses off Ian or whatever? He'd rather leave on his own terms than fight to stay. Kinda like idiot Jeff's fake ankle injury. Lame. After an hour, Jeff produces four donuts, and everyone is tempted to jump. Katie squeals, "I'm ready to wet myself, I don't know what to do!" Well...how about not THAT? You can see Katie's already auditioning to be an annoying morning radio personality ala Jamie and Danny. I think Katie works at a radio station, doesn't she? Anyway, Coby tries to negotiate for all the donuts, but Jeff says they have to be split by whoever's stupid enough to jump this early: Coby and Janu, the two people who need it most, although Janu clearly wants to get voted out I think, so maybe it makes perfect sense, I don't know. Coby too--he's certainly not acting like someone who wants to be there anymore. Tom and Steph exchange a smile which, in retrospect, seems to say "Well, that was easy enough." Jeff asks the others what it says to them that Janu and Coby jumped so fast. Katie's right on the money, "either they want to go home, or they don't think they're in any danger of going home. Plus, Janu's just freaking lazy and weak."

After another half hour, Coby asks Jenn what she'd jump for, and she insists on ice cream. Caryn is jonesing for peanut butter, prompting Ian to do his best Rich Jenna impression, "I'll take my clothes off for some chocolate and peanut butter!" Jeff scoffs, "No one wants to see that, Ian." Well Jeff, most of us never wanted to see Jenna and Heidi's skeletal skankiness either. Then Ian asks for more of those fertilized egg things that doomed Bobby Jon. After 2 and a half hours, Jeff brings out 15 chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk, which quickly induces quitting in Ian, Katie, Gregg and Jenn. More time passes and Caryn asks Tom if he can go all night (Oh, hush) and he's quite believable when he shrugs and says hell yeah. Caryn looks nervous and tired. Jeff then brings out a pizza, and says they all have 5 seconds to decide to jump for it, and if they don't, the others on shore will eat it. Caryn and Steph quickly bail, leaving Tom to with the game's first Individual Immunity. Katie glares at the pizza when Jeff insists that Steph and Caryn can't share it--well, Katie, it's not anyone else's fault that you jumped for 3 and 3/4 cookies and a couple sips of milk, you could've held out longer. My thought was, ew, there's peepers on the pizza, which I would also be thinking had I been starving to death for 22 days: reason 62 why I'll never actually try out to be on Survivor...

****We Interrupt this Survivor Review to Bring you the Chachi and Amber Report****

We pick up where we left off, with Chachi and Amber stunned to discover that the leg isn't over, and they have to, gasp, run across the street to a train station and bunch up once again with the other teams on a long train ride that affords the teams a chance to rest. While they're dozing, these silent creepy guys come into their sleeper cars and hand them clues--they reminded me of "The Gentlemen" from that terrifying episode of "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer." ("Hush") Chachi and Amber have time to really talk with Ron and Kelly, the POW and the beauty queen, and claim to forge a real friendship with them--ask Lex and Kath how much THAT'S worth. They wind up in the Indian city of Jodhpur, and to my disappointment, there's no sign outside that says, "Welcome to Jodhpur--Yes, like the pants!" Then there's more exciting waiting around for something to open. Chachi hires a guy named Sanjay to be his and Amber's guide while thery're in town, but the guy refuses to take their money--he'll do it for free. "Tanks, Sonjo," Chachi says--he never DOES get Sanjay's name right. I think this is dangerous for all those people who go on these shows with the hopes that it'll make them famous, because apparently it DOES, at least in the Third World. The next day, Ron tells us that Chachi "coerced" Sanjay into being his guide--I think that's the PTSD talking though. Anyway, the teams pull these big ol' wood elephants through the streets, and Rob keeps barking at Sanjay, "Sanjo, tell dese people tuh help us!" I don't think Sanjay's help gets them anywhere they wouldn't have gotten without him. But Rob needs to get one over on people, to trick people, to outsmaht dem. He NEEDS to win this race in such a way that people will say, "Only Boston Rob would've thought to do THAT!" Ultimately, I think this is distracting more than it is helping. At one point, Chachi physically drags people off the side of the street to help him push the elephant and jokes, "It's tough ahganizing Indian Labuh." Uh, charming. Later, Amber races a Camel-drawn cart around a dirt track. When her camel refuses to cross the finish line at first, the other teams laugh at her plight. The race to the pit stop is also intense, as Rob and Amber race with Ron and Kelly for what they presume to be first place--at one point, Chachi practically throws Amber over a stone wall. But they finish in third (by a hair) because Uchenna and Joyce did the fast forward and shaved their heads--something Rob and Amber wouldn't never dared, considering they're trying to get they're wedding televised. All in all, a pretty dull installment, with Rob and Amber still frighteningly close to winning yet even more CBS money. Please, don't let it be so! We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor review....

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff teases Steph about her familiarity with Tribal Council, especially in relation to her tribe mates, who've only been there once before (and after the no-brainer Willard vote-off, they got to eat beef stew and root beer!). Steph plays it cool and acknowledges that she's odd-girl out and a likely easy vote to cast. Jeff seems pretty disappointed in her for taking the pizza and possibly costing herself the game, and she admits it was probably dumb but she's hopeful it won't be a million-dollar meal. Jeff asks Jen, "You and Steph met head-to-head in the few physical challenges you actually had to compete in and she always seemed to win, does that tick you off?" Jenn smiles, "No, Steph and I are like, totally good friends and very similar players, except she makes herself a huge target by standing out, being good at stuff and having a personality. You won't catch me making THOSE mistakes." Coby raves, "This is a game of popularity, and Steph is popular so DUH, she's not going home tonight--there are way bigger targets than her, take it from ME, you lying bunch of morons." Jeff asks Janu rather pointedly about "who's not pulling their weight and Janu sighs, 'I'll be honest with you, Jeff, for the last two or three days I haven't done anything except for getting the occasional coconut and smelling my flower, wishing for death. I hope--I mean, I THINK, it's going to be me tonight and I am SO not worried about that everybody-it REALLY wouldn't upset me at all, everybody. Okay? Got that?" You know what bugs me, is Janu says she's only been a worthless lay about for the last few days, when it's been well over a week in real time. Tom keeps his Immunity, and it's on to the vote. Janu is the lone vote for Steph, Coby is the lone vote for Janu and everyone else votes for Coby. Janu is literally STUNNED, and also, probably horrified. Coby praises everyone for being "smart" enough to get rid of him, which is just so self-serving. They got rid of you because you were a loose cannon, not becasue you were the brilliant manipulator you fancy yourself to be (and that you WERE when the game started, before you gave in to your temper and your insecurities). Jen and I started singing that Radiohead song that they always used to play in the early days of "The Real World," you know, the one that goes, "You do it to yourself, And that's what really hurts, you do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else..." I'm kinda surprised Gregg and Jenn didn't make a move with Coby here, because now they only have the numbers to tie Tom's four--but then, they probably don't realize it's a final four. They want to move against Ian and Tom, and in their minds, they still have the numbers to do it. And who's to say they don't, this being Survivor and all.

Coby finishes in 9th place--the first seat on the jury. 9th place was where we lost lovable Greg and his coconut phone and finger-wagging tough chick Alicia. In Africa, Kelly wrongly paid the price for Lex's paranoia, and in the Marquesas, the Smuggly Alliance was undone when John was ousted--he was so stunned he bawled like a baby--ah, good times. In Thailand, buxom Erin met her end--don't worry, no one else remembers her either. In the Amazon, self-proclaimed rocket scientist Dave departed in 9th, the same place as cute Ryan-O, friend to the pelican. Last season, Sarge was knifed in the back by Twila at this point in the game. Coby's meltdown is reminiscent of Gabe in Marquesas, Deana, Alex and Christa in the Amazon, and Trish in The Pearl Islands--people who had a good thing going, had at least several people ahead of them in the pecking order if they just played it cool, and instead brought about they're own demise by flipping on their alliances or being wishy-washy or being arrogant. Coby engineered his own demise so that it would be on his terms, but it was short-sighted--he could have easily prevailed and wormed his way into the Final Four, in my opinion.

I'm excited again! Individual immunity will make things fun and I'm really looking forward to see who has to go it alone in exile--I hope it's not Steph! :o That would be sad. I'm glad Jeff and Burnett want to start punishing people who haven't bothered to try to excel. In terms of voting, I think Janu's stuck there until she quits--she's no threat. But she doesn't seem to want to go the distance, so will she be willing to join Gregg and Jenn?? And Caryn?? That's her option if Tom, Ian, Katie and Steph are strong. I think it's likely that Caryn will follow Tom's orders and dump either Gregg or Jenn--whoever doesn't get immunity. On the other hand, I could see them axing Janu out of fairness to the rest of the players, who deserve to go further in the game than she does. Getting rid of Gregg or Jenn this early would really hack them off, and I think the blame would fall on Tom. If the game goes the way he wants, he's got at least 3 people on that jury who resent the hell out of him--Coby, Caryn and Jenn. He needs to go in with Katie if he wants to get any of their votes. I know, it's early, but that's my take so far.

Peace! Christine :D