Survivor 10.8 "We had a great lead. We just suck at puzzles."

Hey everyone. I was watching A&E the other night, and they've started showing old reruns of "TJ Hooker." A& freaking E. I guess some executive told them they needed less A and more E, but even still...TJ Hooker? I was never a regular watcher in the 80's, but it WAS the 80s so I'm sure I watched it once or twice--because we had so few channels back in those dark days. But anyway, you've just gotta watch the opening credits sequence--it's like a satire of over-the-top 80s action shows, only they were totally serious: running Shatner, exploding car, exploding car, Running Zmed with gun drawn, exploding car, heather locklear in a bikini--then exploding car THEN Locklear running with gun drawn, two cars on fire chasing each other, James Darren, exploding car. It's AWESOME.

So anyway, Survivor. I'm...not thrilled. Don't get me wrong, it's not Thailand bad, but it's really bugging me how many people at Er-Ror are getting a free ride. Ugh, those girls, Janu, Katie and Jenn! UGH! I don't like the idea of the jury being stocked with boring lazy nobodies. Who ARE these people!? These people are gonna be on the flipping jury and we haven't spend 5 minutes with them!! AGH! Maybe that will change as the show goes on. It's really gonna be like a different show: It's like the first half of the season was about the doomed U-turns, and the next half will be about Er-Ror. Well, let's get on with it...

SAME OLD SAME OLD

Bobby Jon and Steph marvel at how weird it is to be the only players left on the tribe, and are optimistic about winning since they are indeed the strongest remaining U-Turns. Sigh.

CAMP COMPLACENCY

The smug winners of Er-Ror have strewn half-eaten coconuts all over camp, and Tom has hung the fetid head of the shark he killed on a post near camp, attracting flies and rats that are symbolic of the corruption and torpidity but also very real and gross. Coby is disgusted by his tribe and moves the sharkhead away from the shelter. He's sick of doing all the work around camp while the lazy ladies (Janu, Katie and Jenn) do nothing, "Janu is on her 8th straight day of boo-hoo I wanna go home--will you just quit already?" Word. Coby contemplates pushing al three of them in the fire--hopefully, he'll start with useless Cameron Diaz Doppelganger Jenn.

REWARD LIMERICK

I've run out of new ways to rhyme
how Ulong loses time after time
they try really hard
but the effort is marred
they are failure's new paradigm

So reward is for 55 gallons of fresh water in a drum for their shower head (which I think Steph and Bobby Jon tore down at U-Turn) and a gift basket full of refreshing Scope citrus mouthwash and that proven cavity-fighter Crest, etc. etc. It's a gross food challenge, which I don't ENJOY exactly, but the fun of them is seeing everyone have to do it, and having it in a week where only Tom, Ian, Bobby Jon and Steph have to do it is yet another letdown. This is what I'm talking about--there are people who haven't done jack, like Katie, since they got there. I mean, Janu actually won some rounds in that gladiator thing, and Jenn got her ass whupped but she was there. Katie came up with the "Got Food" slogan for the signal fire, and isn't that pretty much it? Untied some knots that one time? UGH! There are too many coasters in this game. Cheerleaders, who sit in the stands and never have to put themselves on the line. SO, the four have to eat these partially-fertilized ducks, wings and beaks and all, and everyone does it just fine. Bobby Jon and Ian are kinda arrogant with their glib asides and running commentary, and it comes down to a time trial between bobby Jon and Tom, and Tom wins by yet another narrowest-of-margins. Bobby Jon and Steph slink off, and Coby looks sorry for them...

KING TOM AND PRINCESS STEPHENIE

Once the water tower has been delivered, Jenn wants a shower. Coby agrees with Tom that they shouldn't use ANY of the fresh water to shower--they should drink it. Ian tries to placate both sides, but Tom asserts his authority. Jenn is mightily miffed, "Tom is a mean old dictator! Hello!? 55 gallons is a lot of water, okay? I was just gonna use like...one or two...or maybe ten gallons! But no one would stand up to King Tom. I wasn't gonna do it, I could totally see that coming back to haunt me, "Oh, Jenn wanted to use the water for her bath." Uh, so even you acknowledge it would be selfish and stupid so what's your point? She maintains that Tom's being "a sourpuss" might lead to his ouster, while Tom is genuinely aghast that anyone would consider using fresh water--that doesn't have to be hauled and boiled--to bathe with rather than drink, and he's absolutely right BUT, he should be careful if he thinks being King Tom, the mighty shark hunter and all-around great awesome guy DOESN'T mean he could get toppled by the votes of those inferior to him. It's a game of numbers, not virtues.

POST MORTEM AD NAUSEUM

Bobby Jon and Steph are frustrated because they REALLY thought that THIS was gonna be zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bobby Jon says, "I was opening my throat as wide as I could but Tom kept shoving his in faster." A childish America snickers at how dirty that sounded. Bobby Jon feels like he could beat anyone on the Er-Ror tribe except Tom, whom he keeps losing to head-to-head. Steph is all, "Yeah, it's weird how you keep getting put against him and losing...well, you're the strongest on our tribe and he's the strongest on theirs." Gee, Steph, passive-aggressive much? Bobby Jon goes on a tear, ripping down trees and smashing rocks and whatnot, "I guess guys need to throw things, punch things, make noise, whatever they can to feel manly when they're pissed off," Steph shrugs. She thinks his anger is a good thing, since he took all their previous 67 losses too well. It really is endearing how they keep trying to figure out what went wrong, and retool. They never quit, which is admirable, especially when you contrast it with the unfounded bragging of unworthy coattail-riders like Katie...

"Being undefeated is glorious but spending all this time with the same people sucks--things are gonna change though. We're gonna start eating each other and it won't be boring anymore, Christine, I PROMISE." Well Katie, I'll believe it when I see it. Ian and Tom confabulate about their alliance. Ian warns, "Our only concern is Gregg and Jenn. If they turn, they need to be broken up." Um. If they turn, you all are in trouble because one of you will be getting voted out and that's how you'll learn that they've "turned." See, I like Ian and Tom, I really do, but they've gotten to cocky. If they get duped and overthrown, they've only got themselves to blame. They're putting a lot of eggs into Steph's basket, which I like in principle because I think she's waaaay more deserving of Final Four status than several of their tribe mates, but WHY count on that? If they were smart, they'd recognize Coby as a volatile, emotional player and try to give him some sort of assurance, maybe rope him into their Final Four? Or is too much of a physical threat? THey see the Final Four as them, Katie and Steph. I guess this is smart because nobody's gonna want to give that million dollars to Katie, and maybe they think an all Er-Ror jury wouldn't reward Steph. What they're not seeing is that they are just as obvious and threatening an alliance, if not more so, than Gregg and Jenn's make-out party. Tom says Steph could be the wolf in sheep's clothing that no one sees coming--but how can they keep her around without arousing suspicion? It's definitely in their favor if Steph can stay unmerged. I wonder if Tom and Ian might even throw an immunity or two to keep her safe? Ian promises, "We are on the verge of utter ridiculousness!" Please, somebody wake me up if that happens, I'd hate to miss it.

DIRTY BOBBY JON

Steph is having a hard time being alone with Bobby Jon. Not only do they have nothing in common, save the obvious ones about being stranded on remote island on an internationally-televised game show, but also, Bobby Jon is filthy all the time and doesn't bathe and he blows snot rockets in the sleeping area of the cave and he eats the shells of the crabs they catch. Ewww. Yet, he's still awfully pretty to look at. Maybe Steph can say that on TV since she has a boyfriend, but I'd take some comfort in that. Steph has a momentary breakdown, and cries about how hard it is and how alone she feels, but rebounds when Bobby Jon catches a fish and they get some protein in their bodies. Survivor i basically just one long infomercial for protein, really. The tree mail says they're gonna have to complete a puzzle to win, and though Steph is back to being optimistic, America knows they're doomed. Then they almost kill themselves trying to get the heavy outrigger into the water.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

there once was a really strong tribe
they had strong girls and even strong guys
they weren't all that smart
they were always apart
race and puzzle led to their demise

Jeff gets Mickey the Monkey back from Janu. The competition is a tough one--one person swims out to some pontoons and dives for bags of (sigh) puzzle pieces. I think I mention last season that I hate that phrase, "puzzle pieces." I know that's insane, but it just grates on me. Anyway, they dive down, get the bag, climb up onto the pontoons and run across these floating boards back to the beach, next person does the same, until they have four bags. Then they have to put together a puzzle on a board that forms a word scramble. Then they have to find a bunch of words. Then they have to have circle all the letters that are in two words at once, the intersecting ones, and unscramble those into a three-word phrase. As soon as Jeff said "puzzle," America knew Bobby Jon and Steph were doomed. It's an exhausting race, and Steph and Bobby Jon get off to a good lead over Greg and Coby, but in the last leg, Coby pulls even with Bobby Jon--it doesn't even matter though because it takes the Bobby Jon and Steph forever to assemble their puzzle, and by the time they're trying to read over Coby's shoulder to steal words, he and Greg are already trying to figure out the three word phrase, which turns out to be "Victory at Sea." Then Jeff reveals how two-people can still be in a tribe when they can't vote for themselves--they will compete against each other for individual immunity! Oh my gosh! A U-Turn will finally win immunity! :D At the other's expense :(

THE BAD NEWS ER-RORS

At Er-Ror beach, Caryn tries to remind us that this was the misfit team, the three oldest players, the gay guy, the skinny guy, the showgirl, the movie-star, the professor and Mary Ann, here on CBS Isle. THey all celebrate having at least made the jury. The team acknowledge Coby for his MVP status in physical challenges, and he's proud because he's never been part of a team before. He reveals how he was called a sissy his whole life and quit school and quit any athletic endeavor he ever attempted because of the timeless cruelty of jock boys. He gets very weepy about his determination to not quit and to succeed. I hope he does go far in the game, I just wish his best chance for survival didn't involve Ken and Barbie.

ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING OF INADEQUACY

"We had a great lead. We just suck at puzzles," Steph shrugs. Well, and racing, running, swimming, fishing, building stuff, being creative, tying knots, untying knots...pretty much everything, Steph, let's be honest here. She and Bobby Jon now face being rivals. Steph frets about coming back to the cave alone, and maintaining the camp, "He does a lot of the work I can't do," she admits. Bobby Jon is fearless, and confident in his ability to fend for himself for weeks on end if he has to. He's amused by Steph as she tries to figure out what the challenge will be, "Steph thinks non-stop, she even thinks in 'er sleep ah reckon. She's thinkin' raht now 'How can ah kick Bobby Jon's ass?"' That's jes' how she is." He says that the whole team thing has been "cute" but he's ready to compete on his own, "It's team Bobby Jon raht now." But not for long...

***We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you the Chachi and Amber report****

Chachi and Amber leave Botswana, headed for India. Chachi is STILL wearing Amber's Red Sox hat. I am convinced that Boston Rob had a lot to do with the disappointing opening of "Fever Pitch" last week. Oh, that and the fact that most people in America either hate the Boston Red Sox or don't give a rat's butt about them, contrary to what EAST SPN et al seem to believe. The whole country WASN'T rooting for the Red Sox last year. They sucked for 90 years and then they finally won--who cares!? AGH! Anyway, there's this whole thing at the Botswana airport where Chachi and Amber team up with former POW Ron and beauty queen Kelly (who isn't all that pretty, there I said it). And Rob tells the lady not to help the other teams, and they're all outside booking flights on some guy's cell phone so it doesn't even matter and Ron and Kelly fret about being associated with Chachi and Amber. So they go to India, which is usually HORRIBLE on the Amazing Race--people get ripped off and groped on trains and shoved and pushed around and led on wild goose chases by cab drivers. This doesn't happen this episode--in fact, everyone's so aggressively helpful, with handy English speaking gentlemen offering kindness and help at every turn, which leads me to believe the Indian government finally figured out why they were losing all that tourism revenue, and decided to put their best face forward. I'm still never going to India, thank you.

In India, the first clue is in some sort of temple where women are required to cover their heads with a scarf, and Chachi takes one two and drapes it around his Red Sox cap, because he don't know no better. Then they race to the Yield. A Yield is where the first team to get to it can stop any team they choose for a predetermined amount of time. Chachi and Amber know the other teams don't like them, so they know they need to get their first. They don't, Ron and Kelly get there a second ahead of them, but don't use it because they're *friends,* and you know how well it pays to be Chachi's friend. He mocks them (behind their backs) for not being competitive and smaahht enough to use it--he's really such an ass. When Amber breezes through the (very easy) roadblock, Ron and Kelly lament the "unbelievable luck" the Survivor millionaires have had, and regret not yielding them. All the teams take part in a detour that involves delivering cups of tea in and Indian office building--probably the very building I get connected to when I need tech support for my Gateway computer. Chachi throws a mini fit when he thinks Ron and Kelly are following him through the building, even though they don't really have much of a choice. Then they race through the streets and up to the top of another building, where Phil tells a weary Rob and Amber that this isn't the end of the leg...so no elimination this week. We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor review...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Steph puts a good spin on things as usual, telling Jeff how much they enjoyed their time together and that they're the best two people from the worst tribe ever and the best person will win out tonight. Bobby Jon says it's weird that they've been through so much, yet the game is only half over. When Steph expresses a little self-doubt about her ability to survive without him, he insists, "She can do anything a man can do, ah'll tell you that." Jeff asks Bobby Jon what's the most important thing, living on the island, and Bobby Jon gets it right: fire. After 10 seasons of "Fire represents life," you better believe that's the right answer, kinda like guessing "Jesus" was the right answer in Sunday School. Jeff reveals that the winner tonight will be the first person to ignite their torch with a fire they build in a drum below it. Bobby Jon is the early favorite, because he always starts it at camp, and Steph doesn't think she's all that good at it. But the contest once again strikes Bobby Jon's Achilles brain. He gets his fire lit first, but Steph wisely builds a tower of kindling wood under the combustible coconut husk, ensuring that her flame will be higher faster than Bobby Jon's and just like that, the most-deserving of the lowly U-Turns lives to fight another day. Gallant and sweet 'til the end, Bobby Jon whispers, "Win this thing, awright?" as he leaves and gives a polite, "Thank you, sir," to Jeff when he snuffs out his flame. You just gotta love that Sweet Bobby Jon.

Bobby Jon finishes in 10th place, where good Gretchen was felled by the evil Hatch's alliance in season one and where arrogant Jeff was ousted in season two. In Africa, Clarence was finally kicked out for his role in Beancangate and in Marquesas, we thought we'd seen the last of Boston Rob aka Chachi, but he's gone on to plague us ever since. In Thailand, fellow All-Star Shii Ann shot herself in the foot when she turned on her jerky tribe too soon, only to learn the merge hadn't actually happened yet. Roger was betrayed by his all-male tribe when they chose to hang with the ladies instead of him and Dave, and things got very confusing in the Amazon when Big Whiny Osten and Big Bully Shawn were voted out--only to allow Big Bully Burton and Scoutmaster Lill back in---I'm still bent about that. The following week, Coach Andrew, who would've loved Bobby Jon for his use of sports metaphors and for always giving 150 million percent, was also felled in 10th place. Finally, last year Rory was eliminated by Ami's girl-power alliance before he could burn anything down.

Tonight, let's hope Steph can win at least one more Immunity, so she can at least make the jury over one of Er-Ror's undeserving women. Katie and Jenn seem protected by alliance, but Janu's gotta be on top of the list--it'd be a shame if we lost Caryn, who at least works around camp and is cantankerous and interesting as opposed to vapid Jenn. I just don't know if Steph can get that outrigger into the water by herself :(

Peace Out! :D Christine

PS If any of you are watching the big Jeopardy Tournament of Champions, be sure to root for Bob Verini, one of the "seeded" former champs appearing in the second round (and perhaps beyond). He's not just the friend of a friend, he's a sometime reader of this review. Go Bob!

PS 2 You MUST watch the last ten minutes of the encore presentation of "America's Next Top Model" on UPN at 9pm and watch Tyra Banks go OFF on this girl, Tiffany. It's reality TV at it's very best!