Survivor 10.7 "We ate shark until we were sick, actually."

For those who read the review on the Blog, sorry for the delay--the site crashed yesterday...

MOST BORING EPISODE EVER

Really. They killed a damn shark, and it was STILL BORING. I won't waste too much of your time on this one.

CLAN OF THE CAVE TRIBE

The almost extinct U-Turns hang out in their cave of shame and Steph babbles, "Maybe we're like a second-half team and we could start winning...I dunno, it could happen. Have you met my pet unicorn, Miranda? Miranda thinks the merge is gonna happen today, and I'll win individual immunity every single time and I'll never ever go home!" Ib muses, "It's weird to spend so much time with...people. Anyway, maybe is some weird way losing our whole tribe is gonna help us go further in the game." Steph beams, "That's what Miranda JUST told me!" When Ib leaves the cave, Steph tells Bobby Jon they made the right decision in booting James, "And when we lose--I mean, if we...it's just good we're an alliance, right?" Bobby Jon nods glumly--he has conspirator's remorse.

TOM GETS ON WITH HIS BAD SELF

It's another lazy day for the winningest tribe in Survivor history. Tom is doing crunches on the beach to keep his stomach flat, when Ian comes in withe biggest clam ever and everybody chows down. They put the bloody shell in the water to attract a shark, but when they do, Ian and Greg fail to spear it. NEVER FEAR: TOM IS HERE! Tom strides down the beach, machete in hand and WHACK! He fells the shark in one stroke (he also cuts his shoulder a bit, which only adds fuel to my "someone's gonna kill themselves with one of those machete's someday" theory. Everyone bows down to the mighty Tom, who laments that his "flying under the radar as the old guy" gambit was shot to hell so completely. Ian good-naturedly laments being trumped in the provider department and vows to bring in a whale. Coby admits, "It's gonna be real hard for me and Greg to vote Tom out now." No Duh.

REWARD LIMERICK

Make a signal that's seen from the air
and add in some artistic flare
the prize won't be much
some fish hooks and such
it's almost like we just don't care

So, the teams have to build a signal fire, and everyone at home has post-traumatic stress flashbacks of Tom flouncing around in Africa in his skivvies with a big feather jammed down his butt crack. The U-Turn's destroy their old shelter and the bathroom that James Who Should Be Jim Bob created in order to fuel their fire. Bobby Jon carries too much wood at once and almost breaks his back, and continues his hero-worship of the other tribe, "They're jes' a real good trahb--I bet they work real hard too--no, you know what? I'll bet they work real smart too. Those guys are amazing."

At Er-Ror, Greg, Caryn and Katie volunteer to make their team's signal. Caryn and Katie seem to be working fine together, so maybe their conflict has blown over--which'd be a shame because it WAS interesting. Type-A Tom drums his fingers impatiently, fretting that the task may be a disaster without his leadership, but they do just fine, thank you very much. It' very close, and the expert guy basically gives it too Er-Ror because they're sign is bigger and is set further down the beach than U-Turns. Er-Ror also got cute with "Got food?" as opposed to U-Turn's straight-forward "Ulong" but I think that's a dumb criteria--I doubt a real rescue team would be giving points for creativity and not rescuing if you didn't give them a chuckle whilst you begged for aid. The Er-rors get some wine, some military MRE's (Meals Ready to Eat) and some more fishing stuff. Caryn huffs, "We're a well-oiled machine. We win all the time for a REASON, not just because the other tribe sucks." Yep, you guys sure are, *yawn* awesome. The U-Turns are bummed as usual, but things look up when Bobby Jon recovers a big clam and a little fish. "It felt like I scored a touchdown or a run or a point, in a big game. Not the winning point, I wouldn't go that far, no sir, but a point, and I was mighty proud uh that, yes sir." Bobby Jon makes a sports reference, everyone take one drink. Ib claims that this was exciting to everyone but his demeanor remains Juliesque. He's not quite as robotic as Julie was last season, but his definition of excited is very different from mine. Anyway, they chow down and Ib smiles, 'We got protein, we got carbs, we got everything!" Naturally, it won't make the slightest difference come Immunity Challenge Time...

THE DATING LAME

So, this episode is so uneventful that we actually have to sit through this segment where Greg and Jenn (aptly dubbed "Ken and Barbie" by Coby) go up the hill to fetch a pail of water, and discuss their relationship and it's just an insipid conversation. Greg thinks he's a master strategist and doesn't want to hurt his chances in the game by getting too close to Jenn, and Jenn is worried that he's been pulling away from her, and obviously they're both idiots because they've been making out and cuddling and holding hands and fetching water together the entire time they've been here and everyone considers them a couple and everyone is already concerned about it. Agh, idiots. Also, Greg and Jenn make Rob and Amber seem like Heathcliff and Catherine from "Wuthering Heights." Speaking of Rob and Amber...

**THE CHACHI AND AMBER REPORT***

We interrupt this Survivor review to bring you the latest installment of "The Chachi and AMber Report," as they continue their race to yet another million bucks on yet another reality show. And I gotta tell ya, they're doing really well. Frighteningly well. At the start of the leg (they're still in Botswana) Chachi blathers, "Duh gloves uh owf, we got no friends left in duh race," even though they never, ever had friends in the race--at least not in front of the cameras, wink wink, nod nod. They ramble through the African bush country, marveling at the ostriches, giraffes and elephants. Amber gushes, "We're the two luckiest people in the whole wide WORLD," as America gnashes it's teeth, "WE KNOW! GAH!!!" They have to do a Detour where they either have to balance some items on their head, or milk some goats. they try the balancing but fail, so they move onto the goats, who bleat taunts at them. The "Former POW" and his "Beauty Queen" girlfriend bicker throughout, prompting Amber to brag on how well she and Rob work as a team, while Chachi grins, "Dat udduh gul di'nt wanna getta pretty li'l hands dahty--muh gul got duh job done!" America goes, "Awwww," and hates itself for it. They clear some logs off a road and then Rob sees a running giraffe, "Wat's dat on it's back, uh monkey?" "That's his tail, Rob," Amber sighs. Oh, Rob. They finish in first place and win YET ANOTHER TRIP, this one to Monte Carlo. So CBS is already paying for two honeymoons, and probably their wedding if they do indeed televise it (I'm ashamed at how much I want to watch it) I'm starting to worry they might win. There's a clip show tonight, but I ain't watchin' it, I'm watching "Lost." And those "never before seen" clips they put in with the highlights are always lame anyway. We now return to our regularly scheduled Survivor review...

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

There once was a tribe made of three
who could never win immunity
no matter the game
the results were the same
they'll go down in loser history

So, it's a puzzle and the real poem claimed that the only way the team could lose was to be lazy, but I'm pretty sure the U-Turns lost because they're dumb. They get a little puzzle to practice with, to see how to do it, and then they get to the beach and there's a giant puzzle out in the ocean, and one person is the caller and the other two float in the water and move the pieces. Steph gives her customary "we're gonna win this time," delusional rave. They get to the beach and Jeff asks Er-Ror, "May I please have your mascot, Mickey the Monkey? Just for a second, I'll give him back in a few minutes." The Er-Ror's laugh. Bobby Jon smiles, "Well, we caught a fish, and we're right proud of that." The Er-Rors steal his thunder with the tale of Tom and the shark, and Tom boasts, "We ate shahk until we wuh sick, actually." And the U-Turns aren't even bitter, they're just star-struck, "Wow, did you hear that? TOm caught a shark!" "I know, he's so awesome! Er-Ror RULES!" Anyway, Coby masterfully directs Jenn and Janu, and even though Janu almost drowns because she's so weak, they still win easily over befuddled U-Turn, because Bobby Jon gets confused and can't do the puzzle at all and Steph has to relieve him from brain duty. Steph, being Steph, makes up a lot of ground, but Bobby Jon's made too much a mess outta things Er-Ror wins AGAIN. Sigh...

CAMP CLUELESS

THe thing I love about these guys is, they keep talking like they still matter, like they aren't gonna be toast and gobbled up up as soon as the tribes merge (stranger things have happened, I guess). Ib shakes his head, "We were all shocked that we were going back to Tribal Council." Uh, nobody else was, dude. Bobby Jon is torn between his 'Bama buddy Ibrehem and Steph, whom he promised to align with when they plotted to oust James Who Should Be Jim Bob. He tells us, "Ib'd take it lahk a man if ah voted for him, Steph'd be real upset lahk since she thinks we made this big-time agreement and all." Uh, hate to break it to you Bobby Jon, but you did. I mean, I'd have no problem with him breaking his word, seeing as how Steph lied to him and played him, but he DID straight-up tell her he'd vote out Ib instead of her when, oh, I mean if, ha ha, they lost again. Incredibly, Ib and Bobby Jon have never had a discussion about alliances or voting pacts--have they EVER watched this show!? Still, Steph isn't pleased with the squirrelly answer she gets from Bobby Jon when she tries to get his assurance of loyalty, so she goes to Ib and, without making eye contact, suggests, "I'd...I dunno, vote for Bobby Jon...and you could too, if you want...whatever." Oy! Indecision reigns as always at U-Turn.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Now that James Who Should Be Jim Bob is gone, Jeff is all full of compassion. He does ask why they picked bobby Jon to be the caller and they're all like, it seemed like a good idea at the time, we don't know no better, Jeff. They talk about how close they are, and how hard it is to be losers and to vote each other out, blah blah blah, no one's ready to go, they're all equally deserving. When Jeff points out that they've been beaten by every conceivable variation of the Er-Ror tribe, Bobby Jon sighs, "We haven't rose tuh the occasion." Ib votes for Steph, Steph votes for Ib, and Bobby Jon votes out Ib, who's a little surprised by the whole thing, seeing how he and Bobby Jon were friends from the beginning. I've got nothing against Ib, but he's not very interesting, so I'm glad it went down that way. He's so low-energy that Jeff Probst is probably dating him now ;) Jeff gives them a pep talk, saying "The good news is, you keep believing in yourselves as a tribe, don't lose that spirit." Which is odd because...they're gonna merge...RIGHT?

Ibrehem finishes in 11th place, the final resting place of Joel, who preached alliance--if only his doomed tribe had listened. Michael fell into the fire at this point in the game, foul-mouthed Lindsay was ousted here, as was Hunter's only ally, Gina. Dumbb Robb was put out of our misery here, as was Shawna, the Amazon hostage who begged her team to oust her earlier, then became a liability when she started scamming on Alex. Trish went crazy and tried to stab Rupert in the back for no apparent reason, fast-forwarding her demise, and John K. finished 11th last season when Sarge decided Twila was more trustworthy than he was--whoops!

Tonight--they have to merge, since Steph and Bobby Jon are stalemate in a bottle right now. Right? I just don't see how they avoid it, but I'd love to be surprised (provided we don't have a "return of the losers" like we did in the Pearl Islands. Bobby Jon seems the likely victim, chauvinism being what is (they'll get rid of the strong man, even though Steph is the bigger threat).

Peace Out--and Happy 10th anniversary to Brady and Andrea on Friday! Wow! :D

Christine