Survivor 9.9 "I could taste his fatback cooked up with my cabbage."

See? I told you I'd try to be quick. But between the oncoming holidays and my upcoming move, I fear I will fall behind again. I ask for your patience :D Also, I forgot to mention last time that the only bad thing about Rory's ouster is he misses being on the jury and you KNOW he'd be good for a crazy-ass speech. Ah well.

THE TRUTH HURTS

The tribe returns to camp, with the men still reeling from Rory's departure and the fact that Julie and Twila have indeed rejoined the other women against them. Of course Ami has the nerve to make it all about the four votes she received, "I'm sure glad to be here," she says, as if the guys are supposed to feel bad for her. Chris will have none of it, "Yeah, YOU are? What about me?" Later, Ami gloats, "We shocked the shiznit out of the men--they thought they were getting rid of ME, but they can never defeat me nor my sisters--NEVUH!" Now, do you think there was a meeting at CBS to discuss whether you can say "shiznit" at 8, or do you think no one at CBS realized that it's just Snoop Latin for shit? I guess they say "ass" so often, it doesn't really matter. Personally, I've always been bemused by and "ado" about what to call doo doo. Considering what it IS, it just kinda makes me laugh that we have acceptable AND unacceptable words for it, and that it somehow makes a difference to us. Anyway, Chris tells us, "So it IS men versus women--who knew?" Most of America, dude. Chris laments trusting Julie and Twila and Twila shoots back, "Ah trusted you too, but it din't seem tuh be goin' thet a-way." Twila reminds us that though the three men promised her Final 4, they also promised it to Juile--of course, they DIDN'T, but Twila still doesn't realize that Julie played her. Which is interesting because Twila keeps insisting she's more comfortable being around these guys than she was these women, yet she's clearly more comfortable TRUSTING the women, even a girl like Julie whom she didn't much care for. The women go off to bed and Chris, who still fancies himself a tactical genius despite the night's fiasco, announces, "This is how NAIVE Julie and Twila are--they thought they were at the end of OUR pecking order, but where do they fit in with those women, having been away for so long? Ha, I say. HA!" Well, if Twila and Julie are both knocked after the men are taken care of, Chris can have the cold comfort of being right about that. I think they both assume Eliza is still worthless and expendable, and they're both a lot more likely to win immunity if the men are gone (as Rory and Sarge's swimming prowess has shown). But the game's not over, not by a long shot--Chris is right about that.

SURLY SARGE

The next morning finds Sarge still upset about Twila's betrayal--he really thought they were a team. Chris sighs, "I just don't get their reasoning--let's just be about gender, let's just be an all-woman tribe." Again, he's not recognizing that the men are a physical threat in challenges, and he's ESPECIALLY not getting that their reforming is really no different than a mixed-gender tribe reforming at the merge and picking the weaker tribe off. They've been a tribe since day one--it makes perfect sense for them to reform, the same way the men picked Rory back up. Sarge continues to stew in his "despisal" (as he calls it) for the conniving women. Scout doesn't help matters when she joins him at the campfire and starts singing. Sarge glares back--he's not ready to be a good sport and I can't say I blame him. Scout is ostensibly trying to "make nice," but I also think she's forcing the issue, and kind of daring Sarge to be rude.

REWARD HAIKU

a helicopter
and a dormant volcano
how does that grab you?

Reward is a helicopter ride to a dormant volcano for chicken wings and champagne, "It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience for those of you who aren't Hollywood big shots like me," Jeff explains. The game is a quiz about Vanuatu. Those who get right answers get to light one of three skulls belonging to one of their tribe mates--it's the old "Reveal where everyone stands" game, which has hurt many a feeling in Survivor's past--it changed the whole direction of the game in the Marquesas. Naturally, the women target the men, and the men in turn target the women. Of course Ami is gleeful about the men being targeted and then gets bent when Chris has the "audacity" or whatever to go after her. I really hate her. Chad, Sarge and Chris are eliminated in turn and are all big sulky babies about it, which is a real surprise to the women not named Julie or Twila. The men keep acting like ALL the women had somehow declared that it wouldn't be men vs. women, and are now hypocrites, which is confusing to Scout and company because they assumed the men saw it coming the whole time--why wouldn't they? I don't think the ladies realize as yet how deep Sarge and co. THOUGHT their alliance was with Twila and Juile. "It's not a woman/man thing," Chris pouts--hey, you turns out you should've listen to Bubba and lost that first challenge. Turns out you should have kept John instead of Julie. Quit asking like you weren't party to this, jackass. Then the women are forced to turn on each other and Scout and Twila rather aggressively target Eliza, who whimpers, "Oh, I see how it is!" "Oh, it's been that way," Sarge needles. When Eliza is eliminated, she prances off to sit with the boys and huffs, "Shows you just where you stand doesn't it? Like how we're gonna get rid of you three first? And now it like, looks like I might be next after all you guys are gone--doesn't that suck? Doesn't that make me as pathetic as you guys? Well...almost?" It's really like she expects them to commiserate with her, as if they give a rat's ass about her "plight." They do try to fan her flame a bit though. Eliza continues to steam and Jeff oddly declares, "This friendly game just suddenly turned," even though it wasn't friendly from the start if you're sporting a Y-chromosome. Julie is out next and then Eliza cheers when LeAnn boots Scout. Ami's out, leaving Twila and LeAnn to match wits--guess who triumphs? Yes, it's LeAnn. Aw, Twila, I kid. I kid because I love. LeAnn can bring somebody with her and too everyone's surprise, she picks Julie. I'm just glad it wasn't Queen Ami...

A PICNIC AND SOME PLOTTING

LeAnn reveals herself to be a little more saavy than we may have realized when she confides that she took Julie with her because LeAnn was unclear of where Julie stood in terms of strategy and whatnot. The helicopter ride is exhilarating for Julie who drones, "This is really exciting." You can tell this is true because she almost smiles. Almost. LeAnn gushes about the spectacular scenery, "They took us to this dormant volcano with this incredible view of the ocean and it was so lush--you look around and all you see is the beautiful, untouched environment!" SPLACK, CBS lands a helicopter right on top of it. The girls then partake of their feast and try to feel out each other's loyalties. LeAnn admits that Eliza's bitter comments at the challenge are a concern and Julie agrees that Eliza is vulnerable--in addition to being pointless and annoying. Julie says, "If you think about it, we could lose Eliza before we lose one of the guys...like...oh, I dunno, Chris, for example. I just said him randomly, not because I have any sort of agreement with him or anything." LeAnn and Julie agree that they'd like to have a Final Four of the most deserving women, which excludes Eliza and Scout, whom they feel has coasted.

HOW IS ELIZA STILL HERE?

Meanwhile, back at Estrogen City, Scout offers an insincere, "wasn't that fun?" again seeming to dare anyone to have hurt feelings over a silly little game. Eliza is STILL hacked off, and letting everyone know it. Scout is annoyed, "Oh, be REASONABLE, little one. It was a quiz, and in order to try to win that game you had to take out the smartest people." Eliza doesn't believe her, but also can't resist flattery, "Are you being sarcastic? Or are you like, really acknowledging how intelligent I am. Because I am. I went to like, a very exclusive prep school and everything--the same one Chelsea Clinton went to!" Scout pats her on the head. Later, Eliza insists that both women are sick of each other, "If Scout were to be gone tomorrow, I'd be a happy camper." I can't imagine Eliza will ever be a "happy" camper, but whatever. And of course Scout WAS being disingenuous when she said she didn't want Eliza gone, "I've been done with Eliza since Day 2," she reminds us. Meanwhile, the guys are just standing around and grinning from ear to ear at the prospect of having a weakness to exploit--like Rory before them, they have found Eliza to be the Tiny Little Crack in the women' alliance. Also like Rory, Chris is acting like it's something he invented, and not something that's been there since the start--John had to have told them all about Eliza's being on the outs weeks ago. The boys go off in the outrigger to discuss strategy, and their "brilliant plan" is to exploit Scout's bad feelings for Eliza to somehow get the women to eliminate her before any of them. Maybe they can sabotage her, they giggle, and get the girls to think she's been plotting with THEM! Yeah, and then what? The rather obvious idea of trying to get Eliza and someone else to actually vote with them never comes up. Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me.

MEAN GIRLS

Julie and LeAnn get clearance to buzz the tower, and wave to the ladies on the beach from their helicopter. "I do love these people," Julie chirps. "Me too," LeAnn sighs. "Maybe I'm just drunk," Julie adds. "Me too," LeAnn allows. They sneak up on the camp to make sure the guys are gone and then tell the girls they smuggled back two chicken wings each for the ladies, but just bones for the boys. And I get that the guys are their rivals in a game for a million bucks, and if the women are better fed, they'll have a better chance at winning immunity maybe...but still. This is just mean. Why not sow the seeds of love? Why not be decent human beings? Instead the women delight in their selfishness like happy pigs rolling around in their own shiznit. Then the boys return, and LeAnn tells them they smuggled back chicken bones for everyone and hopes they aren't offended by it. The men, who have no idea they're being made fun of, are delighted to be able to pick the scraps off the bones, and just go on and on thanking the girls for their kind gesture. I hope the ladies watched this on TV with their families and friends and were properly shamed. Shamed I say! >:I

YOU'VE GOT LIVESTOCK

Eliza goes to get tree mail, and finds a pig tied to the post. Of course we learned weeks ago that Eliza doesn't pick up pigs under any circumstance. "Why'd I have to go pick up the tree mail when there's like, WORK involved," she whines. "I don't have a lot of experience with, you know, animals and farms and stuff," she explains to us. Chris eventually comes to help her, and Twila and Sarge descend on the squealing pig (good gravy is that a horrifying sound, or what?) with machetes but Eliza informs them they can't kill the pig per CBS instructions. The tree mail tells them they have to keep the pig safe and that it will pay off for "some of them" later. In the promos, it made it look like Eliza just found this pig and wanted to keep it as a pet, much to the chagrin of Sarge. That would have been a lot more fun. Sarge is sad, "I could taste his fatback cooked up with my cabbage." That phrase reminds me of a David Letterman Top 10 category from years back "Top 10 phrases that sound dirty but really aren't. I'm just sayin'. Not being able to have bacon, ham and pork chops from the "magical animal" is almost as big a let down to Sarge as his precious Lopevi tribe being turned into Estrogen City, and he consoles himself by making friends with the new addition, "At least I can link myself to a pig and have some friends up in hay-uh," he shrugs. Oh Sarge, i will miss your inexplicable patois.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

puzzled by puzzles?
maybe if you'd had chicken
you'd be on the ball

So, the Immunity Challenge is a series of puzzles. They all have this puzzle and they have to keep reconfiguring it each round. Then men all go out in the first round. Wah Wah Wah. You gotta admit, it was pretty funny. Scout and Twila are out in round two, Eliza in round three, and ultimately, Ami wins. Back at camp, Ami gloats, "It might be bad that I won today, because the other women are already threatened by my alphaness and my physical superiority and now I've just gone and proved that I'm smarter than all of them too. But damn it, I can't be bad! I refuse to to be weak just to make those wusses feel better about themselves! RARRR!" She wants Sarge gone tonight because he's the greatest physical threat. Sarge is hoping to exploit Tiny Little Crack, as Chad, Chris and Scout go off to bitch about Eliza. "I hate being exposed to all that bad energy," Scout frets, "I fear it might do permanent damage to my aura. Plus she says that word, "like" 1000 times a day--she drives me nutty." Chad and Chris encourage her to embrace her Eliza hate.

Elsewhere, Eliza runs after Ami like a little puppy, "Scout's out there plotting against me right now--she talks so much shiznit about me--oh, and YOU, she's always badmouthing us, not that I'm like, worried or anything because after what Twila and Julie did, those men will never trust another woman again, but still, what are you like, gonna do about it Ami, huh? Huh?" Ami just laughs it off, dismissing the men AND Scout--she probably holds a grudge since Scout backed Lisa and not her. We know she hates men, but I don't think Ami likes other women very much either. Eliza is uncertain as always about her place in the group. She claims to be "paranoid," which reminds me of that old line about how you're not paranoid if everyone really IS out to get you. She reiterates her dislike of Scout, and then we cut to Scout reminding us once again that Eliza drives her nutty. But Scout doesn't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows--she's disturbed to see how close LeAnn and Julie seem to have grown since their champagne-soaked picnic, and wonders (correctly, we know) if she's been bumped down in the hierarchy. Meanwhile, Sarge and Twila finally clear the air, and Twila realizes that Sarge and the boys really did intend to make her their 4th and that they never promised anything to Julie, who flat out played her for a sucker. ALthough since Twila seems to be in most of the women's "Final Four's" too, I don't think she's suffered game-wise. Ami may forcible French braid her hair, but it's a small price to pay on the road to riches. Just then, Chad comes running up, "Sarge, Sarge! I JUST thought of something--we guys could team with Twila and convince Eliza that she needs to join us and get rid of Scout! I just thought of it!" Congratulations, Captain Obvious! you are now on the same page as the rest of America. Twila is intrigued by the idea, and going into Tribal Council I had NO idea how things were gonna shake out. In retrospect though, Chris's statement is clearly very ominous for Sarge, "Your strategy changes throughout the game. As soon as these women got here I learned you have to watch what you say because they're very close. You have to PLEASE them. We don't have the numbers, and unless something radically changes, it's over."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff starts in on Eliza right off the bat, and for a wonder, she doesn't rise to the bait. He tries to get her to mouth off some more about how angry she was at the reward challenge and she shrugs, "That's soooo yesterday, Jeff. I'm competitive, okay? I would've been mad if I was the second to last person out of that game too--it's like, just in my nature to not accept defeat." Jeff rolls his eyes, "Come on Eliza. You've been struggling to fit in and do something right since day one and you know it." Eliza admits, "Look, I'm always gonna be unsure of my place here--I'm the only woman who came here with a bag packed because I didn't want to have, like, Rory Syndrome and be overconfident." Sarge laughs at the insult, as do I. Eliza may hella bug, but she gets major Christine Props for coining the phrase "Rory Syndrome." Heh Heh. May it live forever. Sarge lobbies the women to turn on each other to save his bacon and then reveals the ins and outs of the whole Twila/Julie soap opera. Twila agrees that Julie duped her and claims, "Ah think theh rist of theh women know thet ah feel more at ease with these men then ah did with them." Based on their looks of gaping-mouthed shock, this is actually news to LeAnn and Ami, which is lame since Twila told them weeks ago at Mia's ouster that they made her uneasy and she'd rather be amongst men. LeAnn defends Twila though, agreeing with Jeff that Twila was in a tough position, having to choose between two loyalties. LeAnn also says she thought it was unfair of the guys to come down harder on Twila than they did on Julie, a fact that Sarge and Julie vehemently deny. Julie huffs, "They put out all my skulls and they're all gonna put down my name tonight!" Chris admits that duplicity is part of the game and acknowledges that had he been in Twila's position, he might have done the same thing and played both sides--he also slyly sidesteps the fact that he's indeed playing multiple sides as they speak. Ami is mercifully quiet, speaking only to say she's keeping her immunity necklace. We don't see anyone's vote, except for Chris, who votes out Sarge, "I'm gonna burn every one of them--this is a vote FOR you, not against you!" Uh, whatever dude. I mean, it's not a stupid vote, but it's not noble neither. The men are in such disarray that Sarge and Chad don't even vote for the same person--one votes for Eliza and the other Julie. C'mon, guys. Work with me here.

Sarge finishes in 9th place, and is the first member of this season's jury. He joins Greg of the coconut phone, finger-waving tough chick Alicia, Wrongly Accused Kelly, Arrogant John (the only man I can remember who cried at his ouster), Busty Erin, Self-Proclaimed Rocket Scientist Dave and Cute RyanO aka Rhino. What's next? The girls might be heading for a fracture, and if that saves cute (though kinda dumb, I fear) Chad, I'm all over it. Hopefully Eliza will finally go, or dare we hope...Ami? I'm trying to still like LeAnn, but her over-the-top chicken wing meanness has left a bad taste in my mouth...I wouldn't mind seeing Chris go--I liked him at first but he's a little too enamored of himself now.

Peace! :D

Survivor 9.8 "Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me."

Late and behind--ain't that just like a woman? To hear Rory tell it, anyway ;) On with the show...

BAD INFLUENCE

It's a love fest amongst the Sarge's as Chris proclaims that as long as the five of them (he, Sarge, Chad, Twila and Julie) stay true to one another, there'll be no stopping them. Julie, who was sure it would be her and not John leaving the night before, is thrilled--you can tell because she almost smiles. Almost. "I'm psyched," she drones. In an effort to embed herself deeper into the tribal infrastructure, she snuggles between Sarge's legs at the campfire and insists, "It's so satisfying, the women are totally gonna know we're with the guys now." It's a blatant oversell, but she's saying what the guys want to hear, and they seem to be buying it. The next morning, the boys all share a laugh about Julie's rubbing Sarge the right way, and Chad says, "Remember Ginger on Gilligan's Island?" but there's no comparison. Ginger was in no danger of getting voted out, and Julie looks a lot more like Mary Ann--she even wears her dark hair in pigtails sometimes. Anyway, Julie keeps touching Sarge, which bugs Twila, "Shes usin' det body teh git tuh det man, but thurs nuthin' ah ken do about it--she's 22 years younger 'en ah am." Plus, she's a ho. Sarge, of course, is aflutter, "She's HOT!" Later, he and Twila and Julie are sunning themselves and Julie's half-naked because she's Julie. Sarge explains, "She's an exhibitionist and I'm comfortable with it because I've been in Europe." OH, I see, Sarge. What I wouldn't do for an eye-rolling emoticon. Anyway, he tells us that Julie has been telling him that he has a great body and should show it off more (oh come ON Sarge, wake up and smell the manipulative flirting) so he decides to pull his pants down and expose his florescent-white butt to the world, blinding several crew members and traumatizing Chad and Chris when they stumble upon the scene. Vanuatu ain't Europe, Sarge, and you're married and you've got a kid and you should pull your damn pants up.

POOR RORY

Rory is not in angry Incredible Sulk mode, but he's sulking nevertheless. "If Scout and I stopped working, this camp would literally STOP," he huffs. Well then, let it, dumbass. But Rory wants to continue working hard so he can continue to play the martyr. He insists that lazy Ami, Leann and Eliza should be ashamed of themselves for sleeping in late and complaining, especially when the coffee's on, the water is boiled and the plantains are ready to eat. Rory especially hates the useless Eliza, "Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me," he whines, "Eliza's like a little kid--I've taught her how to make fire at least four times and she's still struggling." Cut to Eliza whining, "I don't knoooow hoooooow." Man, has Eliza coasted through this game. Rory and I don't agree on much, but Eliza's being worthless would be the common ground we'd come to in a conflict management seminar, I tell you what. Rory then complains about Queen Ami, "I'd like to knock her ass down a peg or two, quite frankly." There's something so annoying about the way Rory modifies all his big tough-guy talk with prissy "quite franklys." Ah, he's just annoying in general, I guess. He declares, "I'm ready to get the hell out of here, away from these women and back in the company of MEN." Anyone else remember how relieved he was to get away from the men? It's always someone's else's fault that he's unhappy, ugh. At least he's too tired to threaten anyone :D

REWARD HAIKU

toss buckets of water
it easier said than done
got milk? well, you will

The men of Sarge's tribe are busting with pride that they dumped John instead of one of the women, while the women of Scout's tribe are thrilled that Julie and Twila are still around. I think the guys think it's obvious that Twila and Julie have joined them, but since the women have kept Rory but still hate him, they're not making the connection. Scout embarrasses Twila (not to mention herself) when she gushes on and on, "I had a terrible dream last night that Twila had to leave and I was so upset and I was crying--oh, I'm ever so happy to see her now!" Sarge growls possessively, "Twila ain't going nowhere." Jeff translates, "Sarge wants it to be clear that Twila is on his tribe, not yours." Scout shrugs, "Whatever, I'm just glad to see her." Then it's onto the very wet challenge. One person gets a bucket of water from the ocean, tosses that bucket to the next person, trying not to spill too much water, they do the same with the next person and then the next to last person has to toss only the water to the last person, who tries to catch the water out of the air with their own bucket. Then they run up a ladder and try to fill a bucket, and when they get enough water in the big bucket, the bucket lowers and a flag is raised. I don't know why I try to explain the challenges because you either saw it and know what happened, or you didn't see and can not POSSIBLY tell what happened from my half-baked description. Ah, well. The reward is milk, cookies and a chocolate cake, which thrills the Survivors, especially Chris, who is apparently a milk fanatic. Best part is they play the BEST Survivor background music EVUH, the Africa Celebration theme--yes, I mentioned it before when they played it either last season or the season before. That's because it RULES, and always deserves a shout out when it makes an appearance. Anyway, everyone gets really wet, especially Rory and Chris who are the "anchormen" of the relay, and the Sarge's win.

CRAFTY CHRIS

Sarge isn't feeling so well after gorging on cake, but the others are still chowing down. Sarge teases Twila about Scouts gushing, and she does her best to pshaw it away, but she's worried that Scout may have wrecked things for her, "Ah need these folks to believe ah'm on thur sahd--these guy's be stupid not to read to somethun in tuh thet!" Cut to: Chad and Chris being stupid. They assure themselves that Julie proved her loyalty to them by voting out...John, instead of...uh...herself? Man, are they being dumb. Voting out John worked in favor of an all girls alliance, and they're not even allowing it as a possibility. They insist that Twila is "too stubborn to go with those women." Then Chad and Chris give one another a "Final Two" pact--it's Chad's first, and Chris's third. He's also pledged undying unity to Sarge and to Julie. Chad worries that Sarge is too likeable (um...sure) but Chris points out to he off the prosthesis, "I think you both have a leg up on me," and only then realizes that he's put his foot in his mouth--oh crap, I did it too! ;) Chad takes it in stride, because he's not a defensive freak show like say, Rory or Ami.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

another swim race
another chance for LeAnn
to suck really bad

The tribes gather for the Immunity Challenge and Jeff orders them to drop their buffs (which always sounds so indecent.) Hooray! They are now one big Orange-buffed tribe. Rory turns over the Immunity Idol, which, much to Jeff's chagrin has been damaged. Turns out The Incredible Sulk busted it--big surprise. I don't know about you, but careless people irritate the living hell out of me. Rory wastes no time in sucking up to Chad and hissing, "I am SO happy to be out of there." Twila sells the girls on moving to the men's camp, and the Survivor PA's are dispatched to pick up their stuff. Then it's time for a brutal Individual immunity Challenge. It's a three-part swimming relay. In the qualifying races, Ami, Rory and Sarge advance as one might expect--but so does Eliza. Has Tiny Little Crack been holding herself back? She's blown out in the finals. Ami and Rory fight it out for second, and Sarge kicks ass. Jeff puts the Immunity Necklace on Sarge as Julie hangs on him like she's his old lady. Every time they show Julie talking to the camera, she's referred to as "Youth Mentor," and every time, I weep for our country...

MERGE PARTY!!!!!

CBS treats the newly merged tribe to the typical feast of cheese and wine and bred and stuff, plus leftover cake and the coffee from Scout's tribe. Scout sighs, "I missed Twila deep down in places I can't talk about." America backs uncomfortably out of the room. Then Sarge raves, "This is like a festival, man. This place is off the CHAIN, dude!" I guess that's how boot camp works these days--Sarge teaches boys how to be men, and they teach him how to talk like a teenager. As he's about to make sweet love to the coffee machine, he's interrupted by Rory, who's decided to tell each of the men as soon as he possibly can that the women have cooties and he's sooo happy to back. Sarge hedges, "It was...different when y'all left," and in his thought bubble, you can see a flashback to his joy at the waterfall when he realized he was going to be Rory-free. Rory sniffs, "I'm most eager to engage in man-talk, now that I am no longer entrenched amongst those wretched females!" Then he reveals that Bubba was axed because he was caught trying to send a message over to Chris and Sarge is horrified (Rory leaves out the part about how the message was that Sarge's team should lose on purpose so they could eliminate Julie or Twila and get a numbers advantage over the women. A valid strategy--and a valid reason to boot somebody. Rory presses Sarge, "All I'm telling you is, Ami needs to be the first to GO." Sarge once again refuses the mantle of leadership that's always being thrust upon him for no reason--or wait...maybe because he tells people to call him Sarge. Anyway, he mumbles to Rory that he should be telling all this to Chad. Chad arrives, and Rory gives him all the dirt he has on Scout's tribe, and Chad his horrified when Rory tells him how Ami said that the men would both be voted out because of the women's union. It's a GOOD STRATGEY, morons. I swear, I don't know where they get these people who've never watched the show. These guys seriously act like there's a moral obligation to give people a fair shake when they're merged into your tribe, but there isn't. Sigh. Rory hold court with his legs crossed indian-style (can I still say that? Eh well,) and his hands on his knees and a stick up his butt. Oh, how I despise him. He tells them, rightly, that Ami is calling all the shots, which Chad says is old news. He insists that they're all a family now and Julie and Twila are totally on their side and they'd been hoping to find the minority on Scout's tribe to bring that person over. "The minority is me," the black man says with no sense of irony. Rory is thrilled to be back in the fold so Sarge tries to rain on his parade, "Remember, I always thought you weren't a team player, but...I guess that's behind us." Rory doesn't care--he's thrilled that his fortunes have changed "a 100%." Kudos to Rory for not saying 110%.

PEOPLE OF THE FIRE

The new tribe sets about to name their tribe and paint a flag. Scout gives them an African name for "People of the Fire," which is "Alinta" and everyone thinks that cool. I think I'm gonna go with what Sarge dubs the tribe next episode : Estrogen City :p I thought The Amazon's John Le Carre flag was great, but this one put's it to shame--with it's swirly kick-ass volcano and it's adorable palm trees--it rules. Eliza and Julie re-bond by tweezing each others eyebrows. Then the girls set about on painting one another, which causes Sarge to question whether the girls might be solidly united all the way. Scout, who is endearing when she's in straight-shooter mode but has lately down-shifted into obnoxious hippie-speak frets about all the bad energy--"The guys are feeling uneasy," she guesses, though I think most of the guys think Julie and Twila have flipped on the women--that is until Julie and Twila tell Chad they want Rory out before Ami--which is rather bold. They insist they'll vote Ami out next, but they want him out first because he's physically stronger. It's interesting to note that Rory was never part of the alliance that Julie and Twila joined, and they have every right to be nervous. Chad tells Twila that she has to get over her misgivings about Rory and Twila shoots back, "Not really," and I yelled back, "Word." Twila and Julie have all kinds of options and power in this, and what happens next is all up to them--at least this week. Meanwhile, Ami refuses to pick what man they should target, "I just want a guy gone, they're all the same to me," she shrugs, as LeAnn serves her coconut milk and Eliza fans her with a palm frond. Chris tries to impress upon Twila that they need to oust Ami, and Twila says she'll do whatever she's told to, which Chris arrogantly and foolishly believes, "You really have to stratagize FOR Twila," he smirks. Sarge watches as Julie and Ami continue to paint one another and mutters, "Ami...evil...must...resist...powerful aura...must worship Ami---NO! Must...destroy Ami!" He tracks down Twila and huffs, "We gotta get Julie away from Ami--she's my snuggle bunny, damn it! Not Ami's." Then he tries to bait Twila by implying that she too will fall under Ami's lesbian mind-control if she's not careful. Going into Tribal Council, both Ami and Chris are confident that Twila and Julie are solid...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Sarge where the name "Alinta" came from (btw, Heather and Brian, I dare you to name the baby Alinta if it's a girl--Banjo, if it's a boy is also still on the table. But you have to work on sounding smug when people ask where you got it and you say, "It's an African word, it means "We are the fire people, we are the makers of the fire.") Sarge shrugs, "Ah, it's some koooky word Scout knew that means Fire People." Jeff asks everyone about their body paint and everyone giggles over the heart with Jeff's name in it that Julie has painted on her freaking boob--uh, step off, ho >:I Jeff smiles, "Don't waste your time on me, I can't help you but give me your number after the reunion show." LeAnn insists that the merge is always good because it means you've reached a certain status in the game--the playoffs, if you will. Then Jeff makes the mistake of asking Rory if he felt like he'd gotten a second chance at the merge and he goes off, "Vegas wouldn't have given me odds on walking out of that woman-place ALIVE, Jeff, but I DID. I struggled and I fought and I prayed and I DID IT!" Aw, you got lucky, Rory. Jeff turns his attention to Ami and asks, "What do you bring to this team, Ami." AMi frowns, "What do you mean by that?" "Huh? I...Uh...I asked..I just--" "I HOPE you aren't implying that as a WOMAN, I have less to offer than a man would Jeff. You know what I bring to the table? A Positive ATTITUDE, okay? You hear me? I always have a SMILE on my face AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! RARRRR!" Twila admits she's nervous about being in the middle, especially since she's felt so much more comfortable around the guys than she has the girls. When they vote, LeAnn says ominously of Rory, "You are just the unfortunate victem of THE MASTER PLAN." Crap, maybe Ami is using mind control! Rory is of course all wound up and huffy, "Ami, this is the first time when I have allowed emotion to enter into my game play--this vote is for you and it's in protest of your deplorable treatment of me. I have little or no respect for you--for some reason, I haven't decided yet--you're like a bad rash and I hope you're finally gone." Right back at ya, partner! :D Jeff reads all foru of Ami's votes first, before he reveals Rory's five--hee hee. Chad gapes, Chris scowls, and Eliza offers up one of her patented and tiresome, "Oh my GOD you guys, I'm so sorry!" faces. And I breathe a little easier--there'll be no peace though until Ami's vanquished as well.

Rory finishes in 10th place--historically, the last person to NOT make the jury. He joins Good Gretchen, Mean Jeffy Jeff, Hungry Clarence, Jerky Boston Rob, Plucky Shii Ann, Cranky Roger, and Beleaguered Andrew, who like Rory, was also obsessed with that elusive and 110%. Also, Survivor Pearl Islands had that weird week where two people were voted out, Osten and Shawn, so that Burton and Lill could come back, so I count Mean Shawn, Sickly Osten and Coach Andrew as ALL tied for 10th place. It's also interesting to note that Roger was voted out by most of the men at the merger of Survivor Amazon. The men had a numbers advantage, but chose to give it up, allowing a girl to ultimately win.

Next Review will be along shortly! Really!

Peace :D

Survivor 9.7 "But it's a beautiful day in Vanuatu"

I know, I know, late late late :I

NO WORK AND ALL PLAY MAKES JOHN A POINTLESS BOY

The Sarges have fallen into a nice camp routine, with everyone getting along, and everyone doing their share of the work--except for John, who's oblivious to how annoying his act has become, "I feel fine except this tropical paradise is soooo boring, there's like, no TV or anything. So we just kick back and relax. Well, I do, anyway, everyone else like, does chores and stuff--suckers." Chad marvels, "He's kind of an enigma--I don't understand how he can just sit there and watch everyone else do all the work but he does and he's gotten away with it too, but now people are starting to talk about it." He and Chris compare notes, and not only is John doing way less work than anyone else, he's also eating way more. Chris, this season's true student of the game insists, "He's the guy that coasts through the game--well, he's not gonna coast with us here!"

APOCALYPSE RORY

At Camp Scout, Rory begins the day in prayer, "I have a lot to be thankful for--especially the way I was able to crack these ladies' alliance and remain here for another day." Huh, that sounds a lot more like boasting than gratitude, but what to I know? Rory smiles, "I start every morning in prayer, but it doesn't stop me from becoming a psychotic jackass by early afternoon! I am still an Alliance of One." I swear, The Incredible Sulk is the first contestant I can remember who has "talking points" like the politicians do, every episode its like, "110%, alliance of one, thousand points of light, blah blah blah." If you need an excuse to get drunk, Rory's just a drinking game waiting to happen. The Sulk tries to lobby the ladies once again, but Ami's not having any of it. Sulk tells Ami he'll be Ami's bestest pal 'til the end if they keep him around but Ami insists that the women all want to keep the girls only alliance to the end because it's never been done before. Which is true, but, based on the success women have had overall (5 out of 8 winners, including the last three seasons) its kinda irrelevant, if you ask me. But Ami's on a Girl Power crusade and that's that. Sulk huffs, "If you get rid of me, how far are you going to go? I mean, face it, you need a big strong man like me or you're doomed--and Eliza? You're gonna keep Eliza over me? It's frankly too much to bear! She doesn't bring nearly as much to the team as I do--look what I've already accomplished!" Who knows what he's raving about since they've yet to win a challenge since he's been there. LeAnn sighs, "Unfortunately, a woman's only alliance excludes you." Then "enlightened" Ami points out that he'd probably have to go back to the boys when they merge or else he'd lose face by being on the girl's side and Rory just sputters, he can't even speak--sadly, it doesn't last too long. I do wonder what Rory will do, since Sarge was so happy to be rid of him. Can he go back to the men's alliance? I dunno. This whole conversation is taking place by a sugarcane patch, by the way, and it really seems like they've all snuck off to get stoned or something. I guess Sulk swears because Ami sniffs, "Don't cuss at me," and then he tries to be a bully again, "Don't treat me like I'm your lackey--you expect me to do ALL the WORK and you're playing me, I'm giving 110% and you're PLAYING ME!" Ami blows him off, "You don't have to do anything--go sit on your butt, I don't care." Ami's infuriating but so right on here--it's about time someone called him on his martyr act (Scout has to us, but not to him). LeAnn then rationally points out that they AREN'T playing him--they're in fact being very up front with him about what they're intentions are. Sulk then babbles about being 120% ready to support them (he's upping the hyperbole since 110% isn't working, I guess) and then stomps off. Into Lex Land. "The ladies told me I was next to go and that did a number on my head. I've decided I will go into self-destruct mode. One of the things I discussed with my wife before I came here was I'm gonna institute a slash, burn and salt the Earth policy. What that means is if get voted off, the Yasur tribe WILL BURN." No, REALLY, that 's what he said. Hold me, America, I'm scared! <:0

REWARD HAIKU

careful not spill
as you traverse the see-saw
and don't trip, Leann

The Sarge's are all surprised to see Lisa gone--no one seems too broken up about it (Lisa was no friend of Twila's and she flip-flopped on Julie) including Sarge, though he may just be faking the funk. Jeff asks Twila about it and she says, "Yup, we thought id'd be...HIM," and she nods her head towards The Incredible Sulk, who in turn goes into his familiar, "woe is me" indignance, "What can I say, Jeff," he sighs as Eliza comforts him--yes, Tiny Little Crack, whom he keeps badmouthing. There's a lyric in an Indigo Girls' song (The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands) that reminds me of Rory : "But if things didn't keep getting harder; she might lose her sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr..." He acts upset that Twila expected him to be gone but yet he was getting off on the fact that "NO ONE gave me any chance of breaking the girls' alliance," etc. Anyway, the challenge is for an afternoon of coffee and croissants at "The Home Cafe" and a "little taste of home." To get it, they have to break open these coconuts, pour the juice into a cup, carry the cup through jungle gyms and over see-saws and whatnot so they can fill a bottle, and get that bottle back to the starting line. Everyone does pretty well except for Scout, who purposely spills her juice so she has to go to the back of the line and never actually compete. I hate to agree with Eliza about anything, but Scout IS pretty pointless. I like her interpersonal skills, but she really is coasting. The Scouts are able to pull ahead, and it comes down to LeAnn, who bonked on the last challenge, as you recall. She's almost a disaster here too, at first running back to the finish line without the bottle, then falling when she DOES have the bottle. Oh, Leann. But she doesn't spill any of the juice, and the New Scout's are finally off the schnide. It's a shame that Ami and Rory are both happy, but good in that the Sarge's were getting awfully smug.

WHOLE LATTE LOVE

The Scouts arrive at the "Home Cafe" (c'mon, Survivor, try a little harder?) and they find a bulletin board full of pictures of themselves and their families. Survivor shows us pics of Rory's son and Ami with her beloved, dead brother to try and make us like them: Sorry Survivor, no dice. ANd Rory must be one HELL of a fun soccer dad, I tell you what. Everyone gets weepy as they read their letters--Scout's is from her partner, as in life partner, and she is officially "out" in the eighth episode (those of us who read the CBS bios already knew this). Ami, too, is gay I think, based the fact that her CBS bio says she's dating someone named "Chrissy." It's just interesting to me that in the past, it's a HUGE deal when gay men are on the show, in that it's part of their "story" and Hatch, Brandon, and Johnny Pots and Pans were all very in your face about their sexuality, whereas this is the first time that there have been any lesbians on the show (that I can think of) and it's very low-key, a non issue. Anyway, Rory gets a letter from his wife begging him to control his temper and not set fire to anything or anyone and not embarrass the family and prove that her mother was right about him...or something along those lines. Rory is amused, like "Wow, isn't it amazing that I would get this letter RIGHT on the day I actually WAS thinking about setting fire to camp? How fortunate." But Rory, most people wouldn't ever need to get that letter at all. Ami gives Rory a big hug and tells him that she feels very close to him, which seems disingenuous since she still intends to vote him out if they lose. Later Rory tells us, "Seeing the pictures and the letters really helped put a human face on these people but I'm still all about the game--everyone who knows me knows I always carry an extra card up my sleeve and I ain't forgot where they put me!" Whatever, dude. You know what puts a human face on people for me? Their human faces.

JULIE LIES, TWILA BUYS

Julie and Twila go off to have a woman to woman chat and Julie gets Twila to admit that Sarge had promised her final four with Chris and Chad, and then Julie lets Twila assume they did the same for her, even though they didn't. Julie is also able to play the "they'll screw us over as soon as they have a chance" card because Twila is so danged paranoid. The girls have a chuckle at their unlikely alliance. I'm not saying it isn't BAD for Twila to be aligned with Julie per se, but the boys were playing straight with her and Julie isn't and the fact that she can't tell the difference means Twila's doomed to be a stooge in somebody else's game.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

glass marbles fly
sexist sarge makes assumptions
has he seen this show?

Sling shots arrive with tree mail, and the teams practice shooting marbles at a target. Sarge tells John to aim it the way he did when they were boys. "Uh, we had Nintendo when I was a kid, Sarge," John sneers. Sarge is stoked about the challenge, "Those ladies are gonna give it a good effort but they don't stand a chance. It's gonna be like a high school team going against an SEC team. And if this wasn't an unscripted show, I'd think this bold and arrogant proclamation would be foreshadowing a loss but, that ain't gonna happen!" The SEC is the Southeastern Conference, the college athletic conference that includes the Florida Gators and the Tennessee Volunteers-- for all you womenfolk out there ;) Cocky John smirks, "I gotta win because there's a huge target on my back, because I am sooo awesome. My good looks and my athleticism have made me a threat since day one," and then he winks. The Sulk is so amped on coffee that he isn't even angry when he explains how he's going home if they don't win, and is in his full, professorial David Banner mode, talking about how winning is "of the utmost importance," rather than threatening destruction.

The challenge itself is kinda complicated and I won't go into it except for the part about breaking tiles with a slingshot, which Sarge is indeed very good at--but Rory and Scout? Better. It comes down to Rory needing to make his last shot, and he says, manipulative as always, "This one's for my baby boy," before he smashes it. Then he proceeds to shriek and yell and jump around and dance--classless. Or is that just when Mia does it, Sulk? Back at camp he's Mr. Smug, boasting not only about how good he was in the challenge, but how good he was before when they were practicing--Rory, nobody cares that you hit the tribe flag three out of four times! He gloats, "I ROCKED Ami. I rocked the hell out of her. She could have had me as a tight friend OR she could have gotten rid of me. Now she's first on my hit list!" Ugh. Rory, if Ami and the girls wanted you out, they wouldn't have tried to win this thing. And who knows what power Rory imagines he's gonna have, whether or not they merge. Ami is unthrilled with Rory's strutting around, and laments that the Scout's victory, though good (meaning she wasn't consumed with ousting Rory or she'd have ordered her minions not to hit the target) means the certain loss of either Twila or Julie--shows how much SHE knows...

CLUELESS LITTLE JOHN

Sarge is disappointed because his theory that a team of mostly men couldn't out slingshot a team of mostly women his now laying on the junk heap of broken Survivor assumptions. Plus, he's bummed because the teams will now merge even at 5 and 5, instead of the Sarge's having a 6-4 majority. He's not even thinking about the fact the the men are outnumbered 6-4 regardless. Chad is though. He's nervous about keeping Julie around, "If she stays, she's going right back to the women," he insists. Chris tells him that Twila wants Little John out, and Chad asserts that this only makes it more obvious that women are plotting against the men. He doesn't trust either John or Julie, but if they keep John, they can merge with 5 men and 5 women. Chris wants Little John out because of his threat in individual immunity (and he was once aligned with Brady, Brook and J.P. to oust Chris) --and he's now convinced that the women aren't interested in the women sticking together because they got rid of Lisa when they could have ousted Rory. So, WOW, Ami's paranoid and personal axing of Lisa turns out to be a brilliant move--lulling the men into a false sense of security and prompting them to do her bidding--by picking off one of the men instead of one of the women...

John does the Survivor "I don't trust anyone" dance for us, claiming he doesn't trust ANYONE, but he HAS to, so he trust Chris. He has no idea that Chris still harbors a grudge against him, nor that his laziness and coasting and food gobbling has annoyed everyone, nor that he's not nearly as charming and clever as he thinks he is. He goes to Chris for voting advise, and Chris lays a trap, claiming he's unsure of whether he can trust the capricious Chad. John totally falls for it, and not just because he's an idiot. Chris is a very convincing liar--I was worried about Chad's fate too. John reasons to Chris, "Julie's like, totally young and hot, like me, so...I don't think she'll vote with the girls. And Chad--saying this makes me seem like an even bigger creep than I already seem to be by being a slacker but--Chad's got the sympathy vote, ya know? When his foot was amputated because of his cancer, he hit the jackpot, dude." Then he tells us that Chad has been just sneaking through the game on sympathy, despite the fact that we've seen him be competitive at challenges AND working very hard in camp, while John has been snoozing! AGH! John tells Julie and Twila that the vote is against Chad tonight, and Twila confirms with Julie, "Is that alright with YOU Julie, wink wink, we're gonna vote out CHAD?" Twila ISN'T a good liar, it was here when I realized everyone was in on the plot to trick John, but John's idiotic confidence in his awesomeness allows him to miss all of Twila's discomfort and hammy acting, "I trust Twila. She's a rough redneck, and all the rough rednecks I know are pretty loyal." Hmm, perhaps John has never stood between an otherwise loyal rough redneck and a million dollars, OR, he is mistaking the urban cow-yuppies he encounters whist operating his mechanical bull for rough rednecks because there are two of them in this game--Chris and Twila, and they just played you for a sucker, uh suuuuuckuh! :D

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff tries to get somebody to say something interesting and everyone refuses, sticking to the cliches of team and "familY' and everyone has a roll and everyone pulls their weight," blah blah blah. I think it's because they want to surprise John (for whatever reason) so they don't want to bring up their weak link. So dumb John sells HIMSELF out, when Jeff asks him what Twila could do better. John replies, "I'd like to see Twila take more naps. I take a lot of naps and it would sure take the heat off me if she'd stop constantly working!" Jeff asks Pretty Boy how he can justify napping while everyone else is working and John shrugs, 'Well, in addition to the fact that I'm so handsome I've nerve really HAD to work, I also have always done work when somebody like, tells me to. People should just sit back and like, chill." Jeff asks Chris what he's basing his vote on and Chris says trust, which makes Julie nervous, but she needn't worry: John is ousted 5-1. Even after his "Ode to my own Laziness" speech, he still has the gall to vote for Chad and claim the reason was he didn't want Chad to keep "sneaking by." Chris can't contain his happiness over how well his trap worked, while Sarge still seems angry that John really did vote against Chad. And John STILL doesn't get it, saying in his exit speech, "Well, I'm still awesome, but very surprised. Chris, I hope you win and that Sarge comes in second--I wish you hadn't turned against me, because I never would have turned against any of you. Except for you, Peg Leg." Bye, John. You won't be missed.

John finishes in 11th place, historically the last person voted out before the merge. He joins Joel, who laughed at a sexist comment Gervase made, Michael who fell in the fire, whiny Lindsay who got her ass kicked by a tree (and who napped a lot too), Gina who dreamed of opening a coffee shop, Dumbb Robb, Shawna who begged to be voted off but changed her mind when boys arrived, and Trish, who seemed perfectly sane and nice until she decided to plot against Rupert and paid the price. This year, I'm more rooting against people I hate (like Ami and Rory) than I am rooting for people I like ( like LeAnn and Chad). And anyone else find themselves missing Dolly? I kinda do.

Peace! :D