Survivor 9.8 "Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me."

Late and behind--ain't that just like a woman? To hear Rory tell it, anyway ;) On with the show...

BAD INFLUENCE

It's a love fest amongst the Sarge's as Chris proclaims that as long as the five of them (he, Sarge, Chad, Twila and Julie) stay true to one another, there'll be no stopping them. Julie, who was sure it would be her and not John leaving the night before, is thrilled--you can tell because she almost smiles. Almost. "I'm psyched," she drones. In an effort to embed herself deeper into the tribal infrastructure, she snuggles between Sarge's legs at the campfire and insists, "It's so satisfying, the women are totally gonna know we're with the guys now." It's a blatant oversell, but she's saying what the guys want to hear, and they seem to be buying it. The next morning, the boys all share a laugh about Julie's rubbing Sarge the right way, and Chad says, "Remember Ginger on Gilligan's Island?" but there's no comparison. Ginger was in no danger of getting voted out, and Julie looks a lot more like Mary Ann--she even wears her dark hair in pigtails sometimes. Anyway, Julie keeps touching Sarge, which bugs Twila, "Shes usin' det body teh git tuh det man, but thurs nuthin' ah ken do about it--she's 22 years younger 'en ah am." Plus, she's a ho. Sarge, of course, is aflutter, "She's HOT!" Later, he and Twila and Julie are sunning themselves and Julie's half-naked because she's Julie. Sarge explains, "She's an exhibitionist and I'm comfortable with it because I've been in Europe." OH, I see, Sarge. What I wouldn't do for an eye-rolling emoticon. Anyway, he tells us that Julie has been telling him that he has a great body and should show it off more (oh come ON Sarge, wake up and smell the manipulative flirting) so he decides to pull his pants down and expose his florescent-white butt to the world, blinding several crew members and traumatizing Chad and Chris when they stumble upon the scene. Vanuatu ain't Europe, Sarge, and you're married and you've got a kid and you should pull your damn pants up.

POOR RORY

Rory is not in angry Incredible Sulk mode, but he's sulking nevertheless. "If Scout and I stopped working, this camp would literally STOP," he huffs. Well then, let it, dumbass. But Rory wants to continue working hard so he can continue to play the martyr. He insists that lazy Ami, Leann and Eliza should be ashamed of themselves for sleeping in late and complaining, especially when the coffee's on, the water is boiled and the plantains are ready to eat. Rory especially hates the useless Eliza, "Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me," he whines, "Eliza's like a little kid--I've taught her how to make fire at least four times and she's still struggling." Cut to Eliza whining, "I don't knoooow hoooooow." Man, has Eliza coasted through this game. Rory and I don't agree on much, but Eliza's being worthless would be the common ground we'd come to in a conflict management seminar, I tell you what. Rory then complains about Queen Ami, "I'd like to knock her ass down a peg or two, quite frankly." There's something so annoying about the way Rory modifies all his big tough-guy talk with prissy "quite franklys." Ah, he's just annoying in general, I guess. He declares, "I'm ready to get the hell out of here, away from these women and back in the company of MEN." Anyone else remember how relieved he was to get away from the men? It's always someone's else's fault that he's unhappy, ugh. At least he's too tired to threaten anyone :D

REWARD HAIKU

toss buckets of water
it easier said than done
got milk? well, you will

The men of Sarge's tribe are busting with pride that they dumped John instead of one of the women, while the women of Scout's tribe are thrilled that Julie and Twila are still around. I think the guys think it's obvious that Twila and Julie have joined them, but since the women have kept Rory but still hate him, they're not making the connection. Scout embarrasses Twila (not to mention herself) when she gushes on and on, "I had a terrible dream last night that Twila had to leave and I was so upset and I was crying--oh, I'm ever so happy to see her now!" Sarge growls possessively, "Twila ain't going nowhere." Jeff translates, "Sarge wants it to be clear that Twila is on his tribe, not yours." Scout shrugs, "Whatever, I'm just glad to see her." Then it's onto the very wet challenge. One person gets a bucket of water from the ocean, tosses that bucket to the next person, trying not to spill too much water, they do the same with the next person and then the next to last person has to toss only the water to the last person, who tries to catch the water out of the air with their own bucket. Then they run up a ladder and try to fill a bucket, and when they get enough water in the big bucket, the bucket lowers and a flag is raised. I don't know why I try to explain the challenges because you either saw it and know what happened, or you didn't see and can not POSSIBLY tell what happened from my half-baked description. Ah, well. The reward is milk, cookies and a chocolate cake, which thrills the Survivors, especially Chris, who is apparently a milk fanatic. Best part is they play the BEST Survivor background music EVUH, the Africa Celebration theme--yes, I mentioned it before when they played it either last season or the season before. That's because it RULES, and always deserves a shout out when it makes an appearance. Anyway, everyone gets really wet, especially Rory and Chris who are the "anchormen" of the relay, and the Sarge's win.

CRAFTY CHRIS

Sarge isn't feeling so well after gorging on cake, but the others are still chowing down. Sarge teases Twila about Scouts gushing, and she does her best to pshaw it away, but she's worried that Scout may have wrecked things for her, "Ah need these folks to believe ah'm on thur sahd--these guy's be stupid not to read to somethun in tuh thet!" Cut to: Chad and Chris being stupid. They assure themselves that Julie proved her loyalty to them by voting out...John, instead of...uh...herself? Man, are they being dumb. Voting out John worked in favor of an all girls alliance, and they're not even allowing it as a possibility. They insist that Twila is "too stubborn to go with those women." Then Chad and Chris give one another a "Final Two" pact--it's Chad's first, and Chris's third. He's also pledged undying unity to Sarge and to Julie. Chad worries that Sarge is too likeable (um...sure) but Chris points out to he off the prosthesis, "I think you both have a leg up on me," and only then realizes that he's put his foot in his mouth--oh crap, I did it too! ;) Chad takes it in stride, because he's not a defensive freak show like say, Rory or Ami.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

another swim race
another chance for LeAnn
to suck really bad

The tribes gather for the Immunity Challenge and Jeff orders them to drop their buffs (which always sounds so indecent.) Hooray! They are now one big Orange-buffed tribe. Rory turns over the Immunity Idol, which, much to Jeff's chagrin has been damaged. Turns out The Incredible Sulk busted it--big surprise. I don't know about you, but careless people irritate the living hell out of me. Rory wastes no time in sucking up to Chad and hissing, "I am SO happy to be out of there." Twila sells the girls on moving to the men's camp, and the Survivor PA's are dispatched to pick up their stuff. Then it's time for a brutal Individual immunity Challenge. It's a three-part swimming relay. In the qualifying races, Ami, Rory and Sarge advance as one might expect--but so does Eliza. Has Tiny Little Crack been holding herself back? She's blown out in the finals. Ami and Rory fight it out for second, and Sarge kicks ass. Jeff puts the Immunity Necklace on Sarge as Julie hangs on him like she's his old lady. Every time they show Julie talking to the camera, she's referred to as "Youth Mentor," and every time, I weep for our country...

MERGE PARTY!!!!!

CBS treats the newly merged tribe to the typical feast of cheese and wine and bred and stuff, plus leftover cake and the coffee from Scout's tribe. Scout sighs, "I missed Twila deep down in places I can't talk about." America backs uncomfortably out of the room. Then Sarge raves, "This is like a festival, man. This place is off the CHAIN, dude!" I guess that's how boot camp works these days--Sarge teaches boys how to be men, and they teach him how to talk like a teenager. As he's about to make sweet love to the coffee machine, he's interrupted by Rory, who's decided to tell each of the men as soon as he possibly can that the women have cooties and he's sooo happy to back. Sarge hedges, "It was...different when y'all left," and in his thought bubble, you can see a flashback to his joy at the waterfall when he realized he was going to be Rory-free. Rory sniffs, "I'm most eager to engage in man-talk, now that I am no longer entrenched amongst those wretched females!" Then he reveals that Bubba was axed because he was caught trying to send a message over to Chris and Sarge is horrified (Rory leaves out the part about how the message was that Sarge's team should lose on purpose so they could eliminate Julie or Twila and get a numbers advantage over the women. A valid strategy--and a valid reason to boot somebody. Rory presses Sarge, "All I'm telling you is, Ami needs to be the first to GO." Sarge once again refuses the mantle of leadership that's always being thrust upon him for no reason--or wait...maybe because he tells people to call him Sarge. Anyway, he mumbles to Rory that he should be telling all this to Chad. Chad arrives, and Rory gives him all the dirt he has on Scout's tribe, and Chad his horrified when Rory tells him how Ami said that the men would both be voted out because of the women's union. It's a GOOD STRATGEY, morons. I swear, I don't know where they get these people who've never watched the show. These guys seriously act like there's a moral obligation to give people a fair shake when they're merged into your tribe, but there isn't. Sigh. Rory hold court with his legs crossed indian-style (can I still say that? Eh well,) and his hands on his knees and a stick up his butt. Oh, how I despise him. He tells them, rightly, that Ami is calling all the shots, which Chad says is old news. He insists that they're all a family now and Julie and Twila are totally on their side and they'd been hoping to find the minority on Scout's tribe to bring that person over. "The minority is me," the black man says with no sense of irony. Rory is thrilled to be back in the fold so Sarge tries to rain on his parade, "Remember, I always thought you weren't a team player, but...I guess that's behind us." Rory doesn't care--he's thrilled that his fortunes have changed "a 100%." Kudos to Rory for not saying 110%.

PEOPLE OF THE FIRE

The new tribe sets about to name their tribe and paint a flag. Scout gives them an African name for "People of the Fire," which is "Alinta" and everyone thinks that cool. I think I'm gonna go with what Sarge dubs the tribe next episode : Estrogen City :p I thought The Amazon's John Le Carre flag was great, but this one put's it to shame--with it's swirly kick-ass volcano and it's adorable palm trees--it rules. Eliza and Julie re-bond by tweezing each others eyebrows. Then the girls set about on painting one another, which causes Sarge to question whether the girls might be solidly united all the way. Scout, who is endearing when she's in straight-shooter mode but has lately down-shifted into obnoxious hippie-speak frets about all the bad energy--"The guys are feeling uneasy," she guesses, though I think most of the guys think Julie and Twila have flipped on the women--that is until Julie and Twila tell Chad they want Rory out before Ami--which is rather bold. They insist they'll vote Ami out next, but they want him out first because he's physically stronger. It's interesting to note that Rory was never part of the alliance that Julie and Twila joined, and they have every right to be nervous. Chad tells Twila that she has to get over her misgivings about Rory and Twila shoots back, "Not really," and I yelled back, "Word." Twila and Julie have all kinds of options and power in this, and what happens next is all up to them--at least this week. Meanwhile, Ami refuses to pick what man they should target, "I just want a guy gone, they're all the same to me," she shrugs, as LeAnn serves her coconut milk and Eliza fans her with a palm frond. Chris tries to impress upon Twila that they need to oust Ami, and Twila says she'll do whatever she's told to, which Chris arrogantly and foolishly believes, "You really have to stratagize FOR Twila," he smirks. Sarge watches as Julie and Ami continue to paint one another and mutters, "Ami...evil...must...resist...powerful aura...must worship Ami---NO! Must...destroy Ami!" He tracks down Twila and huffs, "We gotta get Julie away from Ami--she's my snuggle bunny, damn it! Not Ami's." Then he tries to bait Twila by implying that she too will fall under Ami's lesbian mind-control if she's not careful. Going into Tribal Council, both Ami and Chris are confident that Twila and Julie are solid...

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Sarge where the name "Alinta" came from (btw, Heather and Brian, I dare you to name the baby Alinta if it's a girl--Banjo, if it's a boy is also still on the table. But you have to work on sounding smug when people ask where you got it and you say, "It's an African word, it means "We are the fire people, we are the makers of the fire.") Sarge shrugs, "Ah, it's some koooky word Scout knew that means Fire People." Jeff asks everyone about their body paint and everyone giggles over the heart with Jeff's name in it that Julie has painted on her freaking boob--uh, step off, ho >:I Jeff smiles, "Don't waste your time on me, I can't help you but give me your number after the reunion show." LeAnn insists that the merge is always good because it means you've reached a certain status in the game--the playoffs, if you will. Then Jeff makes the mistake of asking Rory if he felt like he'd gotten a second chance at the merge and he goes off, "Vegas wouldn't have given me odds on walking out of that woman-place ALIVE, Jeff, but I DID. I struggled and I fought and I prayed and I DID IT!" Aw, you got lucky, Rory. Jeff turns his attention to Ami and asks, "What do you bring to this team, Ami." AMi frowns, "What do you mean by that?" "Huh? I...Uh...I asked..I just--" "I HOPE you aren't implying that as a WOMAN, I have less to offer than a man would Jeff. You know what I bring to the table? A Positive ATTITUDE, okay? You hear me? I always have a SMILE on my face AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT! RARRRR!" Twila admits she's nervous about being in the middle, especially since she's felt so much more comfortable around the guys than she has the girls. When they vote, LeAnn says ominously of Rory, "You are just the unfortunate victem of THE MASTER PLAN." Crap, maybe Ami is using mind control! Rory is of course all wound up and huffy, "Ami, this is the first time when I have allowed emotion to enter into my game play--this vote is for you and it's in protest of your deplorable treatment of me. I have little or no respect for you--for some reason, I haven't decided yet--you're like a bad rash and I hope you're finally gone." Right back at ya, partner! :D Jeff reads all foru of Ami's votes first, before he reveals Rory's five--hee hee. Chad gapes, Chris scowls, and Eliza offers up one of her patented and tiresome, "Oh my GOD you guys, I'm so sorry!" faces. And I breathe a little easier--there'll be no peace though until Ami's vanquished as well.

Rory finishes in 10th place--historically, the last person to NOT make the jury. He joins Good Gretchen, Mean Jeffy Jeff, Hungry Clarence, Jerky Boston Rob, Plucky Shii Ann, Cranky Roger, and Beleaguered Andrew, who like Rory, was also obsessed with that elusive and 110%. Also, Survivor Pearl Islands had that weird week where two people were voted out, Osten and Shawn, so that Burton and Lill could come back, so I count Mean Shawn, Sickly Osten and Coach Andrew as ALL tied for 10th place. It's also interesting to note that Roger was voted out by most of the men at the merger of Survivor Amazon. The men had a numbers advantage, but chose to give it up, allowing a girl to ultimately win.

Next Review will be along shortly! Really!

Peace :D