Survivor 9.9 "I could taste his fatback cooked up with my cabbage."

See? I told you I'd try to be quick. But between the oncoming holidays and my upcoming move, I fear I will fall behind again. I ask for your patience :D Also, I forgot to mention last time that the only bad thing about Rory's ouster is he misses being on the jury and you KNOW he'd be good for a crazy-ass speech. Ah well.

THE TRUTH HURTS

The tribe returns to camp, with the men still reeling from Rory's departure and the fact that Julie and Twila have indeed rejoined the other women against them. Of course Ami has the nerve to make it all about the four votes she received, "I'm sure glad to be here," she says, as if the guys are supposed to feel bad for her. Chris will have none of it, "Yeah, YOU are? What about me?" Later, Ami gloats, "We shocked the shiznit out of the men--they thought they were getting rid of ME, but they can never defeat me nor my sisters--NEVUH!" Now, do you think there was a meeting at CBS to discuss whether you can say "shiznit" at 8, or do you think no one at CBS realized that it's just Snoop Latin for shit? I guess they say "ass" so often, it doesn't really matter. Personally, I've always been bemused by and "ado" about what to call doo doo. Considering what it IS, it just kinda makes me laugh that we have acceptable AND unacceptable words for it, and that it somehow makes a difference to us. Anyway, Chris tells us, "So it IS men versus women--who knew?" Most of America, dude. Chris laments trusting Julie and Twila and Twila shoots back, "Ah trusted you too, but it din't seem tuh be goin' thet a-way." Twila reminds us that though the three men promised her Final 4, they also promised it to Juile--of course, they DIDN'T, but Twila still doesn't realize that Julie played her. Which is interesting because Twila keeps insisting she's more comfortable being around these guys than she was these women, yet she's clearly more comfortable TRUSTING the women, even a girl like Julie whom she didn't much care for. The women go off to bed and Chris, who still fancies himself a tactical genius despite the night's fiasco, announces, "This is how NAIVE Julie and Twila are--they thought they were at the end of OUR pecking order, but where do they fit in with those women, having been away for so long? Ha, I say. HA!" Well, if Twila and Julie are both knocked after the men are taken care of, Chris can have the cold comfort of being right about that. I think they both assume Eliza is still worthless and expendable, and they're both a lot more likely to win immunity if the men are gone (as Rory and Sarge's swimming prowess has shown). But the game's not over, not by a long shot--Chris is right about that.

SURLY SARGE

The next morning finds Sarge still upset about Twila's betrayal--he really thought they were a team. Chris sighs, "I just don't get their reasoning--let's just be about gender, let's just be an all-woman tribe." Again, he's not recognizing that the men are a physical threat in challenges, and he's ESPECIALLY not getting that their reforming is really no different than a mixed-gender tribe reforming at the merge and picking the weaker tribe off. They've been a tribe since day one--it makes perfect sense for them to reform, the same way the men picked Rory back up. Sarge continues to stew in his "despisal" (as he calls it) for the conniving women. Scout doesn't help matters when she joins him at the campfire and starts singing. Sarge glares back--he's not ready to be a good sport and I can't say I blame him. Scout is ostensibly trying to "make nice," but I also think she's forcing the issue, and kind of daring Sarge to be rude.

REWARD HAIKU

a helicopter
and a dormant volcano
how does that grab you?

Reward is a helicopter ride to a dormant volcano for chicken wings and champagne, "It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience for those of you who aren't Hollywood big shots like me," Jeff explains. The game is a quiz about Vanuatu. Those who get right answers get to light one of three skulls belonging to one of their tribe mates--it's the old "Reveal where everyone stands" game, which has hurt many a feeling in Survivor's past--it changed the whole direction of the game in the Marquesas. Naturally, the women target the men, and the men in turn target the women. Of course Ami is gleeful about the men being targeted and then gets bent when Chris has the "audacity" or whatever to go after her. I really hate her. Chad, Sarge and Chris are eliminated in turn and are all big sulky babies about it, which is a real surprise to the women not named Julie or Twila. The men keep acting like ALL the women had somehow declared that it wouldn't be men vs. women, and are now hypocrites, which is confusing to Scout and company because they assumed the men saw it coming the whole time--why wouldn't they? I don't think the ladies realize as yet how deep Sarge and co. THOUGHT their alliance was with Twila and Juile. "It's not a woman/man thing," Chris pouts--hey, you turns out you should've listen to Bubba and lost that first challenge. Turns out you should have kept John instead of Julie. Quit asking like you weren't party to this, jackass. Then the women are forced to turn on each other and Scout and Twila rather aggressively target Eliza, who whimpers, "Oh, I see how it is!" "Oh, it's been that way," Sarge needles. When Eliza is eliminated, she prances off to sit with the boys and huffs, "Shows you just where you stand doesn't it? Like how we're gonna get rid of you three first? And now it like, looks like I might be next after all you guys are gone--doesn't that suck? Doesn't that make me as pathetic as you guys? Well...almost?" It's really like she expects them to commiserate with her, as if they give a rat's ass about her "plight." They do try to fan her flame a bit though. Eliza continues to steam and Jeff oddly declares, "This friendly game just suddenly turned," even though it wasn't friendly from the start if you're sporting a Y-chromosome. Julie is out next and then Eliza cheers when LeAnn boots Scout. Ami's out, leaving Twila and LeAnn to match wits--guess who triumphs? Yes, it's LeAnn. Aw, Twila, I kid. I kid because I love. LeAnn can bring somebody with her and too everyone's surprise, she picks Julie. I'm just glad it wasn't Queen Ami...

A PICNIC AND SOME PLOTTING

LeAnn reveals herself to be a little more saavy than we may have realized when she confides that she took Julie with her because LeAnn was unclear of where Julie stood in terms of strategy and whatnot. The helicopter ride is exhilarating for Julie who drones, "This is really exciting." You can tell this is true because she almost smiles. Almost. LeAnn gushes about the spectacular scenery, "They took us to this dormant volcano with this incredible view of the ocean and it was so lush--you look around and all you see is the beautiful, untouched environment!" SPLACK, CBS lands a helicopter right on top of it. The girls then partake of their feast and try to feel out each other's loyalties. LeAnn admits that Eliza's bitter comments at the challenge are a concern and Julie agrees that Eliza is vulnerable--in addition to being pointless and annoying. Julie says, "If you think about it, we could lose Eliza before we lose one of the guys...like...oh, I dunno, Chris, for example. I just said him randomly, not because I have any sort of agreement with him or anything." LeAnn and Julie agree that they'd like to have a Final Four of the most deserving women, which excludes Eliza and Scout, whom they feel has coasted.

HOW IS ELIZA STILL HERE?

Meanwhile, back at Estrogen City, Scout offers an insincere, "wasn't that fun?" again seeming to dare anyone to have hurt feelings over a silly little game. Eliza is STILL hacked off, and letting everyone know it. Scout is annoyed, "Oh, be REASONABLE, little one. It was a quiz, and in order to try to win that game you had to take out the smartest people." Eliza doesn't believe her, but also can't resist flattery, "Are you being sarcastic? Or are you like, really acknowledging how intelligent I am. Because I am. I went to like, a very exclusive prep school and everything--the same one Chelsea Clinton went to!" Scout pats her on the head. Later, Eliza insists that both women are sick of each other, "If Scout were to be gone tomorrow, I'd be a happy camper." I can't imagine Eliza will ever be a "happy" camper, but whatever. And of course Scout WAS being disingenuous when she said she didn't want Eliza gone, "I've been done with Eliza since Day 2," she reminds us. Meanwhile, the guys are just standing around and grinning from ear to ear at the prospect of having a weakness to exploit--like Rory before them, they have found Eliza to be the Tiny Little Crack in the women' alliance. Also like Rory, Chris is acting like it's something he invented, and not something that's been there since the start--John had to have told them all about Eliza's being on the outs weeks ago. The boys go off in the outrigger to discuss strategy, and their "brilliant plan" is to exploit Scout's bad feelings for Eliza to somehow get the women to eliminate her before any of them. Maybe they can sabotage her, they giggle, and get the girls to think she's been plotting with THEM! Yeah, and then what? The rather obvious idea of trying to get Eliza and someone else to actually vote with them never comes up. Stupid people irritate the living hell out of me.

MEAN GIRLS

Julie and LeAnn get clearance to buzz the tower, and wave to the ladies on the beach from their helicopter. "I do love these people," Julie chirps. "Me too," LeAnn sighs. "Maybe I'm just drunk," Julie adds. "Me too," LeAnn allows. They sneak up on the camp to make sure the guys are gone and then tell the girls they smuggled back two chicken wings each for the ladies, but just bones for the boys. And I get that the guys are their rivals in a game for a million bucks, and if the women are better fed, they'll have a better chance at winning immunity maybe...but still. This is just mean. Why not sow the seeds of love? Why not be decent human beings? Instead the women delight in their selfishness like happy pigs rolling around in their own shiznit. Then the boys return, and LeAnn tells them they smuggled back chicken bones for everyone and hopes they aren't offended by it. The men, who have no idea they're being made fun of, are delighted to be able to pick the scraps off the bones, and just go on and on thanking the girls for their kind gesture. I hope the ladies watched this on TV with their families and friends and were properly shamed. Shamed I say! >:I

YOU'VE GOT LIVESTOCK

Eliza goes to get tree mail, and finds a pig tied to the post. Of course we learned weeks ago that Eliza doesn't pick up pigs under any circumstance. "Why'd I have to go pick up the tree mail when there's like, WORK involved," she whines. "I don't have a lot of experience with, you know, animals and farms and stuff," she explains to us. Chris eventually comes to help her, and Twila and Sarge descend on the squealing pig (good gravy is that a horrifying sound, or what?) with machetes but Eliza informs them they can't kill the pig per CBS instructions. The tree mail tells them they have to keep the pig safe and that it will pay off for "some of them" later. In the promos, it made it look like Eliza just found this pig and wanted to keep it as a pet, much to the chagrin of Sarge. That would have been a lot more fun. Sarge is sad, "I could taste his fatback cooked up with my cabbage." That phrase reminds me of a David Letterman Top 10 category from years back "Top 10 phrases that sound dirty but really aren't. I'm just sayin'. Not being able to have bacon, ham and pork chops from the "magical animal" is almost as big a let down to Sarge as his precious Lopevi tribe being turned into Estrogen City, and he consoles himself by making friends with the new addition, "At least I can link myself to a pig and have some friends up in hay-uh," he shrugs. Oh Sarge, i will miss your inexplicable patois.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

puzzled by puzzles?
maybe if you'd had chicken
you'd be on the ball

So, the Immunity Challenge is a series of puzzles. They all have this puzzle and they have to keep reconfiguring it each round. Then men all go out in the first round. Wah Wah Wah. You gotta admit, it was pretty funny. Scout and Twila are out in round two, Eliza in round three, and ultimately, Ami wins. Back at camp, Ami gloats, "It might be bad that I won today, because the other women are already threatened by my alphaness and my physical superiority and now I've just gone and proved that I'm smarter than all of them too. But damn it, I can't be bad! I refuse to to be weak just to make those wusses feel better about themselves! RARRR!" She wants Sarge gone tonight because he's the greatest physical threat. Sarge is hoping to exploit Tiny Little Crack, as Chad, Chris and Scout go off to bitch about Eliza. "I hate being exposed to all that bad energy," Scout frets, "I fear it might do permanent damage to my aura. Plus she says that word, "like" 1000 times a day--she drives me nutty." Chad and Chris encourage her to embrace her Eliza hate.

Elsewhere, Eliza runs after Ami like a little puppy, "Scout's out there plotting against me right now--she talks so much shiznit about me--oh, and YOU, she's always badmouthing us, not that I'm like, worried or anything because after what Twila and Julie did, those men will never trust another woman again, but still, what are you like, gonna do about it Ami, huh? Huh?" Ami just laughs it off, dismissing the men AND Scout--she probably holds a grudge since Scout backed Lisa and not her. We know she hates men, but I don't think Ami likes other women very much either. Eliza is uncertain as always about her place in the group. She claims to be "paranoid," which reminds me of that old line about how you're not paranoid if everyone really IS out to get you. She reiterates her dislike of Scout, and then we cut to Scout reminding us once again that Eliza drives her nutty. But Scout doesn't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows--she's disturbed to see how close LeAnn and Julie seem to have grown since their champagne-soaked picnic, and wonders (correctly, we know) if she's been bumped down in the hierarchy. Meanwhile, Sarge and Twila finally clear the air, and Twila realizes that Sarge and the boys really did intend to make her their 4th and that they never promised anything to Julie, who flat out played her for a sucker. ALthough since Twila seems to be in most of the women's "Final Four's" too, I don't think she's suffered game-wise. Ami may forcible French braid her hair, but it's a small price to pay on the road to riches. Just then, Chad comes running up, "Sarge, Sarge! I JUST thought of something--we guys could team with Twila and convince Eliza that she needs to join us and get rid of Scout! I just thought of it!" Congratulations, Captain Obvious! you are now on the same page as the rest of America. Twila is intrigued by the idea, and going into Tribal Council I had NO idea how things were gonna shake out. In retrospect though, Chris's statement is clearly very ominous for Sarge, "Your strategy changes throughout the game. As soon as these women got here I learned you have to watch what you say because they're very close. You have to PLEASE them. We don't have the numbers, and unless something radically changes, it's over."

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff starts in on Eliza right off the bat, and for a wonder, she doesn't rise to the bait. He tries to get her to mouth off some more about how angry she was at the reward challenge and she shrugs, "That's soooo yesterday, Jeff. I'm competitive, okay? I would've been mad if I was the second to last person out of that game too--it's like, just in my nature to not accept defeat." Jeff rolls his eyes, "Come on Eliza. You've been struggling to fit in and do something right since day one and you know it." Eliza admits, "Look, I'm always gonna be unsure of my place here--I'm the only woman who came here with a bag packed because I didn't want to have, like, Rory Syndrome and be overconfident." Sarge laughs at the insult, as do I. Eliza may hella bug, but she gets major Christine Props for coining the phrase "Rory Syndrome." Heh Heh. May it live forever. Sarge lobbies the women to turn on each other to save his bacon and then reveals the ins and outs of the whole Twila/Julie soap opera. Twila agrees that Julie duped her and claims, "Ah think theh rist of theh women know thet ah feel more at ease with these men then ah did with them." Based on their looks of gaping-mouthed shock, this is actually news to LeAnn and Ami, which is lame since Twila told them weeks ago at Mia's ouster that they made her uneasy and she'd rather be amongst men. LeAnn defends Twila though, agreeing with Jeff that Twila was in a tough position, having to choose between two loyalties. LeAnn also says she thought it was unfair of the guys to come down harder on Twila than they did on Julie, a fact that Sarge and Julie vehemently deny. Julie huffs, "They put out all my skulls and they're all gonna put down my name tonight!" Chris admits that duplicity is part of the game and acknowledges that had he been in Twila's position, he might have done the same thing and played both sides--he also slyly sidesteps the fact that he's indeed playing multiple sides as they speak. Ami is mercifully quiet, speaking only to say she's keeping her immunity necklace. We don't see anyone's vote, except for Chris, who votes out Sarge, "I'm gonna burn every one of them--this is a vote FOR you, not against you!" Uh, whatever dude. I mean, it's not a stupid vote, but it's not noble neither. The men are in such disarray that Sarge and Chad don't even vote for the same person--one votes for Eliza and the other Julie. C'mon, guys. Work with me here.

Sarge finishes in 9th place, and is the first member of this season's jury. He joins Greg of the coconut phone, finger-waving tough chick Alicia, Wrongly Accused Kelly, Arrogant John (the only man I can remember who cried at his ouster), Busty Erin, Self-Proclaimed Rocket Scientist Dave and Cute RyanO aka Rhino. What's next? The girls might be heading for a fracture, and if that saves cute (though kinda dumb, I fear) Chad, I'm all over it. Hopefully Eliza will finally go, or dare we hope...Ami? I'm trying to still like LeAnn, but her over-the-top chicken wing meanness has left a bad taste in my mouth...I wouldn't mind seeing Chris go--I liked him at first but he's a little too enamored of himself now.

Peace! :D