Survivor 9.7 "But it's a beautiful day in Vanuatu"

I know, I know, late late late :I

NO WORK AND ALL PLAY MAKES JOHN A POINTLESS BOY

The Sarges have fallen into a nice camp routine, with everyone getting along, and everyone doing their share of the work--except for John, who's oblivious to how annoying his act has become, "I feel fine except this tropical paradise is soooo boring, there's like, no TV or anything. So we just kick back and relax. Well, I do, anyway, everyone else like, does chores and stuff--suckers." Chad marvels, "He's kind of an enigma--I don't understand how he can just sit there and watch everyone else do all the work but he does and he's gotten away with it too, but now people are starting to talk about it." He and Chris compare notes, and not only is John doing way less work than anyone else, he's also eating way more. Chris, this season's true student of the game insists, "He's the guy that coasts through the game--well, he's not gonna coast with us here!"

APOCALYPSE RORY

At Camp Scout, Rory begins the day in prayer, "I have a lot to be thankful for--especially the way I was able to crack these ladies' alliance and remain here for another day." Huh, that sounds a lot more like boasting than gratitude, but what to I know? Rory smiles, "I start every morning in prayer, but it doesn't stop me from becoming a psychotic jackass by early afternoon! I am still an Alliance of One." I swear, The Incredible Sulk is the first contestant I can remember who has "talking points" like the politicians do, every episode its like, "110%, alliance of one, thousand points of light, blah blah blah." If you need an excuse to get drunk, Rory's just a drinking game waiting to happen. The Sulk tries to lobby the ladies once again, but Ami's not having any of it. Sulk tells Ami he'll be Ami's bestest pal 'til the end if they keep him around but Ami insists that the women all want to keep the girls only alliance to the end because it's never been done before. Which is true, but, based on the success women have had overall (5 out of 8 winners, including the last three seasons) its kinda irrelevant, if you ask me. But Ami's on a Girl Power crusade and that's that. Sulk huffs, "If you get rid of me, how far are you going to go? I mean, face it, you need a big strong man like me or you're doomed--and Eliza? You're gonna keep Eliza over me? It's frankly too much to bear! She doesn't bring nearly as much to the team as I do--look what I've already accomplished!" Who knows what he's raving about since they've yet to win a challenge since he's been there. LeAnn sighs, "Unfortunately, a woman's only alliance excludes you." Then "enlightened" Ami points out that he'd probably have to go back to the boys when they merge or else he'd lose face by being on the girl's side and Rory just sputters, he can't even speak--sadly, it doesn't last too long. I do wonder what Rory will do, since Sarge was so happy to be rid of him. Can he go back to the men's alliance? I dunno. This whole conversation is taking place by a sugarcane patch, by the way, and it really seems like they've all snuck off to get stoned or something. I guess Sulk swears because Ami sniffs, "Don't cuss at me," and then he tries to be a bully again, "Don't treat me like I'm your lackey--you expect me to do ALL the WORK and you're playing me, I'm giving 110% and you're PLAYING ME!" Ami blows him off, "You don't have to do anything--go sit on your butt, I don't care." Ami's infuriating but so right on here--it's about time someone called him on his martyr act (Scout has to us, but not to him). LeAnn then rationally points out that they AREN'T playing him--they're in fact being very up front with him about what they're intentions are. Sulk then babbles about being 120% ready to support them (he's upping the hyperbole since 110% isn't working, I guess) and then stomps off. Into Lex Land. "The ladies told me I was next to go and that did a number on my head. I've decided I will go into self-destruct mode. One of the things I discussed with my wife before I came here was I'm gonna institute a slash, burn and salt the Earth policy. What that means is if get voted off, the Yasur tribe WILL BURN." No, REALLY, that 's what he said. Hold me, America, I'm scared! <:0

REWARD HAIKU

careful not spill
as you traverse the see-saw
and don't trip, Leann

The Sarge's are all surprised to see Lisa gone--no one seems too broken up about it (Lisa was no friend of Twila's and she flip-flopped on Julie) including Sarge, though he may just be faking the funk. Jeff asks Twila about it and she says, "Yup, we thought id'd be...HIM," and she nods her head towards The Incredible Sulk, who in turn goes into his familiar, "woe is me" indignance, "What can I say, Jeff," he sighs as Eliza comforts him--yes, Tiny Little Crack, whom he keeps badmouthing. There's a lyric in an Indigo Girls' song (The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands) that reminds me of Rory : "But if things didn't keep getting harder; she might lose her sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr..." He acts upset that Twila expected him to be gone but yet he was getting off on the fact that "NO ONE gave me any chance of breaking the girls' alliance," etc. Anyway, the challenge is for an afternoon of coffee and croissants at "The Home Cafe" and a "little taste of home." To get it, they have to break open these coconuts, pour the juice into a cup, carry the cup through jungle gyms and over see-saws and whatnot so they can fill a bottle, and get that bottle back to the starting line. Everyone does pretty well except for Scout, who purposely spills her juice so she has to go to the back of the line and never actually compete. I hate to agree with Eliza about anything, but Scout IS pretty pointless. I like her interpersonal skills, but she really is coasting. The Scouts are able to pull ahead, and it comes down to LeAnn, who bonked on the last challenge, as you recall. She's almost a disaster here too, at first running back to the finish line without the bottle, then falling when she DOES have the bottle. Oh, Leann. But she doesn't spill any of the juice, and the New Scout's are finally off the schnide. It's a shame that Ami and Rory are both happy, but good in that the Sarge's were getting awfully smug.

WHOLE LATTE LOVE

The Scouts arrive at the "Home Cafe" (c'mon, Survivor, try a little harder?) and they find a bulletin board full of pictures of themselves and their families. Survivor shows us pics of Rory's son and Ami with her beloved, dead brother to try and make us like them: Sorry Survivor, no dice. ANd Rory must be one HELL of a fun soccer dad, I tell you what. Everyone gets weepy as they read their letters--Scout's is from her partner, as in life partner, and she is officially "out" in the eighth episode (those of us who read the CBS bios already knew this). Ami, too, is gay I think, based the fact that her CBS bio says she's dating someone named "Chrissy." It's just interesting to me that in the past, it's a HUGE deal when gay men are on the show, in that it's part of their "story" and Hatch, Brandon, and Johnny Pots and Pans were all very in your face about their sexuality, whereas this is the first time that there have been any lesbians on the show (that I can think of) and it's very low-key, a non issue. Anyway, Rory gets a letter from his wife begging him to control his temper and not set fire to anything or anyone and not embarrass the family and prove that her mother was right about him...or something along those lines. Rory is amused, like "Wow, isn't it amazing that I would get this letter RIGHT on the day I actually WAS thinking about setting fire to camp? How fortunate." But Rory, most people wouldn't ever need to get that letter at all. Ami gives Rory a big hug and tells him that she feels very close to him, which seems disingenuous since she still intends to vote him out if they lose. Later Rory tells us, "Seeing the pictures and the letters really helped put a human face on these people but I'm still all about the game--everyone who knows me knows I always carry an extra card up my sleeve and I ain't forgot where they put me!" Whatever, dude. You know what puts a human face on people for me? Their human faces.

JULIE LIES, TWILA BUYS

Julie and Twila go off to have a woman to woman chat and Julie gets Twila to admit that Sarge had promised her final four with Chris and Chad, and then Julie lets Twila assume they did the same for her, even though they didn't. Julie is also able to play the "they'll screw us over as soon as they have a chance" card because Twila is so danged paranoid. The girls have a chuckle at their unlikely alliance. I'm not saying it isn't BAD for Twila to be aligned with Julie per se, but the boys were playing straight with her and Julie isn't and the fact that she can't tell the difference means Twila's doomed to be a stooge in somebody else's game.

IMMUNITY HAIKU

glass marbles fly
sexist sarge makes assumptions
has he seen this show?

Sling shots arrive with tree mail, and the teams practice shooting marbles at a target. Sarge tells John to aim it the way he did when they were boys. "Uh, we had Nintendo when I was a kid, Sarge," John sneers. Sarge is stoked about the challenge, "Those ladies are gonna give it a good effort but they don't stand a chance. It's gonna be like a high school team going against an SEC team. And if this wasn't an unscripted show, I'd think this bold and arrogant proclamation would be foreshadowing a loss but, that ain't gonna happen!" The SEC is the Southeastern Conference, the college athletic conference that includes the Florida Gators and the Tennessee Volunteers-- for all you womenfolk out there ;) Cocky John smirks, "I gotta win because there's a huge target on my back, because I am sooo awesome. My good looks and my athleticism have made me a threat since day one," and then he winks. The Sulk is so amped on coffee that he isn't even angry when he explains how he's going home if they don't win, and is in his full, professorial David Banner mode, talking about how winning is "of the utmost importance," rather than threatening destruction.

The challenge itself is kinda complicated and I won't go into it except for the part about breaking tiles with a slingshot, which Sarge is indeed very good at--but Rory and Scout? Better. It comes down to Rory needing to make his last shot, and he says, manipulative as always, "This one's for my baby boy," before he smashes it. Then he proceeds to shriek and yell and jump around and dance--classless. Or is that just when Mia does it, Sulk? Back at camp he's Mr. Smug, boasting not only about how good he was in the challenge, but how good he was before when they were practicing--Rory, nobody cares that you hit the tribe flag three out of four times! He gloats, "I ROCKED Ami. I rocked the hell out of her. She could have had me as a tight friend OR she could have gotten rid of me. Now she's first on my hit list!" Ugh. Rory, if Ami and the girls wanted you out, they wouldn't have tried to win this thing. And who knows what power Rory imagines he's gonna have, whether or not they merge. Ami is unthrilled with Rory's strutting around, and laments that the Scout's victory, though good (meaning she wasn't consumed with ousting Rory or she'd have ordered her minions not to hit the target) means the certain loss of either Twila or Julie--shows how much SHE knows...

CLUELESS LITTLE JOHN

Sarge is disappointed because his theory that a team of mostly men couldn't out slingshot a team of mostly women his now laying on the junk heap of broken Survivor assumptions. Plus, he's bummed because the teams will now merge even at 5 and 5, instead of the Sarge's having a 6-4 majority. He's not even thinking about the fact the the men are outnumbered 6-4 regardless. Chad is though. He's nervous about keeping Julie around, "If she stays, she's going right back to the women," he insists. Chris tells him that Twila wants Little John out, and Chad asserts that this only makes it more obvious that women are plotting against the men. He doesn't trust either John or Julie, but if they keep John, they can merge with 5 men and 5 women. Chris wants Little John out because of his threat in individual immunity (and he was once aligned with Brady, Brook and J.P. to oust Chris) --and he's now convinced that the women aren't interested in the women sticking together because they got rid of Lisa when they could have ousted Rory. So, WOW, Ami's paranoid and personal axing of Lisa turns out to be a brilliant move--lulling the men into a false sense of security and prompting them to do her bidding--by picking off one of the men instead of one of the women...

John does the Survivor "I don't trust anyone" dance for us, claiming he doesn't trust ANYONE, but he HAS to, so he trust Chris. He has no idea that Chris still harbors a grudge against him, nor that his laziness and coasting and food gobbling has annoyed everyone, nor that he's not nearly as charming and clever as he thinks he is. He goes to Chris for voting advise, and Chris lays a trap, claiming he's unsure of whether he can trust the capricious Chad. John totally falls for it, and not just because he's an idiot. Chris is a very convincing liar--I was worried about Chad's fate too. John reasons to Chris, "Julie's like, totally young and hot, like me, so...I don't think she'll vote with the girls. And Chad--saying this makes me seem like an even bigger creep than I already seem to be by being a slacker but--Chad's got the sympathy vote, ya know? When his foot was amputated because of his cancer, he hit the jackpot, dude." Then he tells us that Chad has been just sneaking through the game on sympathy, despite the fact that we've seen him be competitive at challenges AND working very hard in camp, while John has been snoozing! AGH! John tells Julie and Twila that the vote is against Chad tonight, and Twila confirms with Julie, "Is that alright with YOU Julie, wink wink, we're gonna vote out CHAD?" Twila ISN'T a good liar, it was here when I realized everyone was in on the plot to trick John, but John's idiotic confidence in his awesomeness allows him to miss all of Twila's discomfort and hammy acting, "I trust Twila. She's a rough redneck, and all the rough rednecks I know are pretty loyal." Hmm, perhaps John has never stood between an otherwise loyal rough redneck and a million dollars, OR, he is mistaking the urban cow-yuppies he encounters whist operating his mechanical bull for rough rednecks because there are two of them in this game--Chris and Twila, and they just played you for a sucker, uh suuuuuckuh! :D

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff tries to get somebody to say something interesting and everyone refuses, sticking to the cliches of team and "familY' and everyone has a roll and everyone pulls their weight," blah blah blah. I think it's because they want to surprise John (for whatever reason) so they don't want to bring up their weak link. So dumb John sells HIMSELF out, when Jeff asks him what Twila could do better. John replies, "I'd like to see Twila take more naps. I take a lot of naps and it would sure take the heat off me if she'd stop constantly working!" Jeff asks Pretty Boy how he can justify napping while everyone else is working and John shrugs, 'Well, in addition to the fact that I'm so handsome I've nerve really HAD to work, I also have always done work when somebody like, tells me to. People should just sit back and like, chill." Jeff asks Chris what he's basing his vote on and Chris says trust, which makes Julie nervous, but she needn't worry: John is ousted 5-1. Even after his "Ode to my own Laziness" speech, he still has the gall to vote for Chad and claim the reason was he didn't want Chad to keep "sneaking by." Chris can't contain his happiness over how well his trap worked, while Sarge still seems angry that John really did vote against Chad. And John STILL doesn't get it, saying in his exit speech, "Well, I'm still awesome, but very surprised. Chris, I hope you win and that Sarge comes in second--I wish you hadn't turned against me, because I never would have turned against any of you. Except for you, Peg Leg." Bye, John. You won't be missed.

John finishes in 11th place, historically the last person voted out before the merge. He joins Joel, who laughed at a sexist comment Gervase made, Michael who fell in the fire, whiny Lindsay who got her ass kicked by a tree (and who napped a lot too), Gina who dreamed of opening a coffee shop, Dumbb Robb, Shawna who begged to be voted off but changed her mind when boys arrived, and Trish, who seemed perfectly sane and nice until she decided to plot against Rupert and paid the price. This year, I'm more rooting against people I hate (like Ami and Rory) than I am rooting for people I like ( like LeAnn and Chad). And anyone else find themselves missing Dolly? I kinda do.

Peace! :D