Survivor 9.2 "Please don't drop the machete, dude"

Before I begin, let me print a correction--last week I said Rory was the only "person of color" in this year's cast, but reader "Eric G" reminded me that Julie is Native American. Thanks for that. I welcome any corrections and even criticism because, honestly, it tells me someone's still reading this thing :p I'm shameless, I know. I like to see email in my inbox that isn't porn or mortgage related.

Gah, is there anything more insufferable than JAG promos? As expected, it's pretty miserable on Vanuatu. The Survivors would welcome a volcanic eruption at this point, if only for the soothing flow of deadly lava. Speaking of volcanic eruptions, they're saying (you know "them" they're always saying stuff) that Mount St. Helens may erupt. Mount St. Helens is very sacred to the people of Washington state, who believe it to be the resting place of the dead. Anyway, the men are suffering the most because they still don't have fire. Nor does anyone have jackets--is that like, a rule or something? If so, props to Sarge for at least bringing a long-sleeved shirt. Sarge also gleefully eats worms for protein, while the other men frown at them in disgust. They try to build a fire, and come very close--they create a tiny flame but fail to make it catch. At one point they frantically call Sarge over to help and he keeps saying, "Tribute, tribute, respect the island, respect the island," which turns out not to be any help whatsoever. I still like Sarge though, despite his calling women FE-males, which, though not necessarily offensive, struck me wrong.

The girls have fire, but not much else. Twila and Mia boost Lisa on their shoulders so she can cut down some plantains and she almost drops the machete onto the other girl's heads. "Please don't drop the machete, dude," Mia grumbles. Lisa manages to get the plantains cut down, despite interference from her HUGE FAKE BOOBS! Holy CRAP, how did I miss those things last week!? Lisa makes Rich Jenna from the Amazon look like Olive Oyl. Eliza complains about the cold, the damp and the food. Props to Eliza for pronouncing plantains properly, instead of planteeeens, like Poor Jenna. Everyone is chowing down on the plantains until they discover maggots in them and Dolly starts crying. Scout insists they aren't maggots now that they're cooked. Uh, I think they're still maggots, Scout. A little warmer, but still...yeah. Twila praises them for their nutritional value. Dolly tells us, "I *sniff* I'm having fun. I'm *sob* not complaining about the cold and the maggots, honest. *sob* I'm happy to be here even though I wish I was dead." I think Mark Burnett may have been holding a gun to her head off-camera, she was so convincing. Twila consoles her, but privately has no use for her, "There youngun's, ah don' know if they thought it wuz a joke or whuht. If ah gotta eat maggots ah'll eat maggots. If they need tuh be pampahed, they need tuh go back to the Holiday Inn." I like Twila. I don't think she'd like me though, because I would be one of the crying girls, day one, first spider.

JP and Bubba take a stroll, and JP asks Bubba point blank, "Dude, are you old guys targeting us younger, prettier guys?" And Bubba drawls, "Duh, son." I'd think it's funny except Brady, aka Agent My Boyfriend has somehow been lumped in the same outnumbered group! Noooooo! Get rid of JP and John K! But leave my eye-candy alone!Bubba tells JP that his great looks, hot bod and wining personality are too much a threat to him in this game. ANd uh, those were his words, guys. Not mine. JP nods, "This may all be true, but still, dude!" Bubba shrugs, "AH got kids, man." Then JP gets all indignant but his "intensity" feels like a bad Tom Cruise impression...or wait...a GOOD Tom Cruise impression, "Are you saying if I had KIDS, that would alter your decision!?" Bubba shrugs, "Nup." JP's still mad.

REWARD HAIKU

cross the beam swiftly
hug your pal close as you pass
it won't mean you're gay

Reward is some blankets, pillows and a hammock and flint for the men. To win, each team stands on a balance beam and one by one, each person must traverse the beam by passing over one another. It's really a trust exercise because you must put yourselves in the arms of your teammates in order to cross. The women only manage to get Brady across before the women get everyone over. John K. falls in numerous times, mainly because Bubba kept freaking out and dropping him--it really seemed to weird the guys out to get all *close* . Mia is the last girl over, and she does a kind of dance as she moves of the beam and onto the platform (Jeff calls it a moonwalk but it wasn't).

Whatever it was, it was NOT appreciated by Rory. When the men return to camp, some of the men are bitching about the contest. "Can you imagine Sarge getting past Travis?" John K. whines. Well John, that'll always be a theoretical question since you never managed to get your skinny butt across the beam. Rory rants, "And Twila's little dance? That was classless!" "That wasn't Twila," Sarge puts in. "Whatever her name is--who the hell can tell one from the other." "MIA," all the men say in unison. Sarge doesn't understand Rory's rancor, calmly insisting that it was a game and that they should get over it. "They were proud," he sighs, "If we had won, we probably would have done the--" "NO!" Rory bellows, "I understand we would have been proud but would WE intentionally rub their noses in it? I think NOT!" Now, even though Rory is ostensibly angry at the women (for something only Mia did) he's essentially chewing out his own team, and it's not appreciated by Sarge. Then Rory tells him, "If she was a MAN would you have taken that? NO." Sarge just loooooves to be told what he would or wouldn't do--you can tell :D Sarge doesn't even understand, "Taken WHAT? I lose humble because it's a game--" "Oh I understand that it's a game, too. I'm humble too--my ego isn't invested in this AT ALL. I just don't need a DANCE!" They should have cut to Mia dancing to "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins, but they didn't. Sarge sighs and says, "Okay," which I'm pretty sure is Sarge for "Whatever, dude." Rory goes off to play his own sheet of music, leaving Sarge to express his frustration to some of the other men. He's fed up with Rory's temper and oddness. Once-doomed young bucks John K and JP try not to seem to eager in their agreement...

The women, meanwhile, have some excitment when a wild chicken wanders into camp. Lisa, Dolly, Eliza and Twila stalk it through the jungle. Dolly chucks a rock at it, and it hunkers down in some bushes, which is probably it's nest. "Oh my God, he's laying an egg," Lisa explains. "She," Twila reasons. Everyone goads a reluctant Twila into stabbing the bird. "Ah'm sorry little chicken cuz ah ken't stand tuh hurt uhn animal," she whispers. Hunger wins out, however, and she attempts to stab the chicken who manages to escape. Aw. But it leaves behind five eggs. Yay! But then when they're cooking them, their makeshift stove collapses in the fire. Aw. Which just goes to show you, don't count your chickens...oh, nevermind. The women aren't too demoralized though and Ami explains, "The great thing about being on an all woman tribe is we all care about each other and we all want each other to succeed." Ami apparently does not watch "The Apprentice." She does allow that the tribe has broken into two groups: the older generation of herself, Scout, Twila and Leann, and the younger generation of Eliza, Mia, Julie and Dolly. Oh, and Lisa. Not surprisingly, the older women work harder. Dolly is wavering though, and when Twila presses her on her allegiances, Dolly blabs, "At first we were all gonna vote you out but then we were all like, Twila works too hard to get rid of and now..I think everyone's sick of Eliza because she's so annoying. Anyway, Twila, TRUST ME. I'm totally with you guys. Read my lips: No new taxes!"

IMMUNITY HAIKU

failing every task
there's no one to blame clearly
except for magic rock

The tree mail alludes to the fact that the men haven't won a damn thing since Brady captured the Magic Rock for the boys *cue Brady Bunch in Hawaii cursed-Tiki music* Plus, they wouldn't let the guy with the goat into their tribe and they traded away Babe Ruth. They decide to affix Magic Rock atop a pole to give it a place of honor. As soon as the pole is upright, it starts raining. I know I make fun of Joanna the superstitious Christian a lot, but I'd be with her on this one. I wouldn't insult the natives to their faces, but I wouldn't take part in some "Behold, our new god, the Magic Rock" ceremony either. I'm just sayin'.

The challenge is the one where one person yells out directions to their blindfolded team, and those poor bastards tumble and bonk and crash all over the place. They have to retrieve puzzle pieces (a phrase that has grown irritating to me form watching Survivor. Puzzle pieces. Yeah, I know, I'm weird) and then assemble several puzzles as they ascend a tower. Men are playing for their flint in addition to immunity. Scout and Sarge are the yellers, and Sarge is way better at barking orders at his people because it's what he does for a living. At one point, Eliza is almost impaled on a piece that she falls on top off and Scout says breezily, "Yeah, you found it!" Then Rory starts yelling, "Lopevi! LOpevi! Lopevi!" Which is their tribe name. I don't know if this was a strange attempt to rally his team, or a "classless" attempt to drwon out Scout's directions to her team but all he succeeds in doing is drowning out Sarge's orders so Sarge screams at him, "YOU NEED TO SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU ARE MESSING ME UP!!!!" Rory's an idiot. And if he was trying to mess up the women it's completely unnecessary--they've got that under control thank you very much. A blindfolded Eliza asks Scout if they have anymore pieces in the water and Scout dismisses her, saying they don't. She believes they are even with the men and tells her team to take their blindfolds off at the men take off theirs but Jeff yells for them not to and then actually points out to Scout where the missing piece was--in the water. Eliza huffs, "That's what I said! Didn't I say that? I'm quite certain I did, I said Scout, are there pieces in the water and you said no and I was all I think there are and you were all no and now Jeff is all there are and..." Oy, this girl. The girls fetch the piece, but can't make up the time they've lost. It's a costly blunder because the men struggled a bit on the puzzles--the women could easily have taken them had they not lost all that time. The men cry and yell and jump around, but no one moonwalks. The women just cry. Personally, I think Jeff's lucky the men won, because I think it was unfair of him to point out to Scout where the last piece was. In my opinion, he should have just told her she only had eleven pieces left, so that she'd have find it herself. Not saying it made a huge difference, but Jeff definitely helped the women, and it wasn't appropriate.

Back at the girl's camp, someone jokes, "There's no crying in Survivor," because everyone's crying. Scout comforts Eliza, who sniffles, "I just never expected to like everyone so much," and Scout pretends to agree even though she and the older women have been writing "Eliza" on their imaginary cards since their first day on the island. Julie, who I called passive last week? Is not at all passive--just cool as ice and actually, a little frightening. She asks Dolly what the older women are saying and Dolly blabs that they're all saying Eliza and oh, by the way, she's probably voting that way too, which takes Julie by surprise--you can tell because her eyebrow almost goes up. Almost. Julie tells us that Dolly is too sweet for her own good--she's thinking about everyone else's feelings and best interests, rather than her own (and of course, by extension, Julie's). Dolly insists to Julie that Twila works to hard and shouldn't be voted out. A mistaken Julie insists, 'The great thing about Eliza is, if we tell her to do something she absolutely will, whereas Twila is like, her own person." Julie, realizing that Dolly is committed to keeping Twila around comes up with another option, "What about...Leanne? She's a total nobody, you wouldn't miss her, right? I mean, I love her, but she sucks, right?" Dolly nods, "Yeah. I don't really know her at all. And I'm way more loyal to you young people than I am to the older people. Julie, TRUST ME. I promise I'll vote for Leanne and you'll have a chicken in every pot and two cars in every garage!" Dolly tells us she's in a "cluster. A cluster-you-know-what." I know what. If you don't, I'm not gonna explain it to you. Dolly then blabs to both Ami AND Scout that the young girls are targeting Leanne. She tells Scout, "I could go either way on the Leanne/Eliza, but Scout, I promise your Social Security will be safe!" When Scout points out that Eliza is irritating everyone and Leanne is a hard worker Dolly is surprised, "Really? I don't even notice Leanne or know much about her--that's why she's expendable."

Leanne, Eliza and Ami are sitting on the beach, and Eliza asks Leanne, "Who are you voting for, is it me? It's me, right? It is. I can totally tell it's me--" Leanne gets really nervous, "I don't know what's going on, man. Should I? Are you the target? I don't know." Ami sighs, "I don't agree with either one--the whole things a popularity contest." Leanne frowns, "Who's the other one..ME?" She's floored. Amy spills, "Dolly said we'd vote Leanne out first, and save Eliza for later. Dolly, Julie and Mia are controlling the whole thing." Eliza huffs, "I don't like that AT ALL. Do you? I don't I think that's annoying don't you? It is." Julie, Mia and Lisa see the three women in the distance and Julie smiles smugly, "Well, they can't really be talking about the vote because Eliza's there and she does whatever we want." Hah. HAH, I say! Seriously, this all comes down to the young girls and Lisa not doing a good job and assuring Eliza of the plan. Eliza feels threatened and agrees with Leanne and Ami that Dolly is controlling the game and playing both sides. "We should just get rid of her...but Twila and Scout would never go for it!" "Oh yes they would," Leanne and Ami insist. After all, Dolly IS under 30 ;) Before they leave for Tribal Council, Dolly insists to a skeptical Eliza, "I'm NOT gonna write your name down, I promise. And I'm gonna put a man on the moon before the end of the decade." Eliza frets about blindsiding the rest of the Heathers, but knows she may be targeted if they know of her plans to oust Dolly. Count on it, sister.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff catches the girls up on the whole "fire represents life thing." He asks Scout if she feels bad about losing the challenge for the team, and Scout admits she blew it, but she doesn't intend to wallow in it either. Jeff asks Eliza about work and she says, "well everyone has their on days and their off days but everyone works equally except Twila who never stops working which is awesome but also annoying no offense." When Twila deflects the praise by crediting Leanne, Ami and Scout, Mia rolls her eyes in a way that just makes me want to smack her so hard she swallows her nose-piercing. Leanne complains that the lack of sleep has made her withdrawn, which has hurt her, because she's been to tired to have any all-important "face time" with Dolly, the passive-manipulator of ALL. Dolly has no idea what's coming as she blithers to Jeff, "My problem is I'm just too nice too everyone and it's hurt me because I'm like, in the middle because I like everyone and four people want to vote one ay and the other four want the other and I'm the deciding factor in everything!" Julie agrees as she casts her vote for "Leane" apologetically, "Sorry, you seem nice but Dolly MADE ME. I wanted to vote for mean old Twila." Mia spells the name "Leigh Ann." You can't blame anyone for misspelling because you really can't ask anyone on your tribe how their name is spelled--it's considered bad form. Anyway, Jeff read three votes for Dolly before he drops the hammer on Dolly. Watching Dolly and her crew (she DID vote with them against Leanne) gasp in shock and horror was satisfying, and Dolly was booted 5-4 as Eliza shot them all a "Please you guys, don't be mad" look. Dumping the nice but capricious Dolly was a solid move for the older gals, and I hope they protect Eliza for a few weeks anyway, just becasue it would suck. In NYPD Blue lingo, she did them a solid, and they should honor that.

No one has ever been voted out in 17th place before Dolly.

Tonight--are they really getting rid of two people tonight? I think maybe the scene is a smoke screen--it's Jeff telling them what MAY happen, not what actually will. Just a guess. If the girls go to TC, I predict Mia's ouster, Rory if it's the boys. Predictable picks, I know--CBS promo is playing me like a violin.

Peace!

Survivor 9.1 Deja Vanuatu

Ah, another season, another late review. And our first cast of new players since same time last year. It's our first Survivor without Rupert since the Amazon! Speaking of the Amazon...anyone get the feeling like we did this one already? Tribes divided along gender lines, the guys think it's in the bag, the young girls annoy the older gals by not working, the women wind up beating the men because one of the guys can't get across the balance beam and the male tribe winds up putting the smackdown on one of the young bucks? Sure, there were some differences but next week, if someone finds a candy bar wrapper in Scout's bag, I'm OUTTA HERE! ; ) On "Big Brother" this summer, we learned that some people think the word "Karma" has to do with Carmen Electra, and on "The Amazing Race" we learned that no one knows what either "vertigo" or "scarab" means--hopefully this group will be equally ignorant so I can continue to feel superior to my fellow man. Because in the end, isn't that what reality television is all about?

Jeff stands on top of a volcano telling us that the natives of Vanuatu believe that the Yasur Volcano is the resting spot of the dead and they used to be cannibals and they're into black magic. The camera is showing us the cast as Jeff does his usual voice-over spiel about how they have to create "a new society" etc., and when he says "or they will be voted out of the tribe," the camera is resting on Brook--who IS the first person out. I've never noticed if they've done that before. 39 days! 18 (whatever) people! One Survivor! There are NO gratuitous cleavage shots in this season's opening--men, you can thank Janet Jackson for that, I reckon. It opens with a native guy plunging from a high tower with a vine tied around his legs--if that doesn't turn up in a challenge, I'm gonna be sorely disappointed.

WELCOME TO VANUATU...UNLESS YOU'RE A GIRL

The boat drops anchor, and the natives come howling in from the shore on outrigger boats. Needless to say, everyone is relieved to see the lovely Jeff Probst, looking marvelous in a brown shirt. He'd look even better out of it, and those of you who saw him in Entertainment Weekly wearing only novelty boxer shorts know what I'm talking about. Jeff warns the nervous Survivors that they are about to take part in a tribal ritual, "It will impact all of you differently--at times you will think it's beautiful, at times you will be repulsed and at times you will be frightened. Kinda like watching CBS. Anyway, there's a real Chief who's gonna preside over the ceremony and these savages take all this crazy magical hooey real serious so don't make fun of any kooky thing they do and whatever you do, don't freak out." Bubbly Mia confides, "He kept telling us how scary it was gonna be so I was REALLY freaked out." Then the gang has to get into the outrigger boats. Travis aka Bubba tells us, "Ah only learnt tuh swim six weeks ago, so ah was freaked out!" Leann (who kinda looks like Lucy Lawless) pants, "Then the scary natives rounded us all up in the water and started circling us--I was really freaked out!" Once on shore, the Survivors are met by a bunch of face-painted spear-wielders and J.P. smirks, "I was really freaked out thinking we might have to defend ourselves or something!" Rory, aka the black guy aka the only person of color in the entire cast (though there's at least one lesbian, maybe two) smiles, "They were jabbing spears at everyone--everyone except me. I took that as, a black man coming onto the island was not particularly unwelcome to them." Ironically, he was the first to die. "Then the girls were all herded to one side," Eliza pouts, "I was REALLY freaked out! The men all got to sit on stumps while we had to kneel on these cruddy mats."

Adding insult to...well, insult, the men are given the honor of drinking a grotesque liquid out of a dirt coconut husk. Wait...was that an insult? Anyway, JP is thrilled, "I was like hey, this is awesome--the men are getting special treatment over the women! I thought that was cool because, well, I hate women." Then a pig is brought into camp and Lisa tells us, "Well, pigs are really sacred to the natives--I think they're even more highly regarded than women, in some ways." "OINK OINK WEEEEEE OINK OINK!!!" Allow me to translate: The spirit of the dead pig, now residing in the Yasur Volcano, would like to point out that Lisa survived the ceremony, so maybe Lisa's exaggerating a little. Good point, dead pig. So the pig is killed with an ax while it is still alive. Seriously, I think Mark Burnett planned this whole thing to tweak the PETA people, who were so vocal about Mike's killing of the pig back in Australia. That's why he has Jeff be all, "It may seem cruel to US, but this is their culture--you liberals are all into that politically correct stuff like honoring wacko religious beliefs, right? So shut up!" Everyone's pretty freaked out (surprise) except for Dolly, who, as a shepherdess, does this sort of thing all the time, "I totally get that ritual," she nods. I'd call her Little Bo Peep or something but since her name is already Dolly, seriously, why bother? Dolly kinda looks like Britney Spears if she wasn't a skank. I know that's hard to imagine, but try. Anyway, the Chief takes the pig blood and smears it on the men's faces and again the women are left out and again, they're supposed to feel slighted but...I dunno, wouldn't you be kinda relieved? Then there's this whole thing about how the Chief is gonna give one of the groups a carved stone that's all magical (Joanna the superstitious Christian from the Amazon who was afraid of the Immunity Idol would have EXPLODED by now). Then men can get it by climbing up a pole greased in pig fat--the only way the girls can get it is if all of the guy's fail. Bubba tells us, "Ah don' believe that that stone is magic or nuthin' but ah still wanted to git it just so the girls wootent git it." Anyone who's spent any time on EBay knows where Bubba is coming from. I can't believe wanting to be called Bubba when you have a name as cool as Travis, by the way, or a wrestling handle like Romeo Bliss. None of the guys want to be the first to go and fall on their butts in front everyone, and Lea the Drill Sergeant (pronounced LEE as in Majors not LEE-uh as in Thompson) ducks the Chief's pointed finger so that dreamy FBI agent has to go first. "I didn't want to be the first to go so I was kinda freaked out." But Brady does NOT fall on his butt, he succeeds in getting the Magic Rock for then men. Cute, hot, and good at stuff--what more could you want? As soon as Brady touches the Magic Rock, it starts raining. To be specific, "It started raining lahk pouring pee out of a boot on a flat rock." I SWEAR, that's really what he said. Someone needs to tell Southerners that there are oodles of idioms out there that actually make sense. Or maybe the goal IS to obfuscate, like how French people put all sorts of letters in their names that you don't pronounce, just so you'll seem stupid when you do.

MEN VS. WOMEN...AGAIN

Jeff tells the Survivors that the tribes will be Men and Women, because that's how Chief Chauvinist wants it. The men are given red buffs and dubbed "Lopevi," and the women are given yellow buffs and called "Yasur." As in "Yes, sir!" Just like in the Amazon, I'm calling them the men and the women rather than mess with the tribe names. Chris is glad to be on an all-male tribe, "I can outsmart 8 men a hell of a lot easier than I can outsmart 8 women. Women stick together thick as thieves. Men I can manipulate!" Chris rules! Or wait...maybe this woman is just easy to manipulate through flattery. Twila (who sounds like Reba McEntire) isn't thrilled, "There are some real prissy girls on this tribe--they ain't never done nuthin' dirty in thar entar lahves. They aren't ready fer what's coming." The tribes are sent to their camps with no maps, and told they will find a pot, a machete and a map to water at camp and that's it. No food...interesting. No rice? No manioc? Mia huffs, "We got a bum deal at that ceremony, so we're out for blood now." I guess that was the plan--In the Amazon, lip service was given to the whole "mighty Amazon women" thing, so this is allegedly different because now they're in a male dominated society? Yeah, whatever. I mean, it'll be interesting to see the dynamics etc., I just am no more crazy about the men vs. women thing as I was the first time. Don't worry, I'll get over it. Probably.

The women head out in the dark and it isn't long before Scout slips and falls. She tells us that she is sporting an artificial knee but doesn't want to make that known. Which is odd, to me, because instead she sits down and claims to want to sit and visit with the gals, which leads mouthy Eliza to accuse her and her fellow sitters, Ami and Dolly, of wanting to "sit and sleep." The women are at an impasse because as Leann complains, "no one would make a decision." Eventually, Eliza and Twila's argument that keeping on the move will keep them warm overrules Scout's argument that it's too dark to see and too slippery to be safe. No one dies on the way to camp, so I guess Twila and Eliza were right. Then men have a similar incident, when Rory decrees, "Gentlemen, we need a game plan. There's 9 of us--there's gotta be a better way for us to find the camp without walking in a pack like a bunch of ladies." Well I never. Really, I don't know what Rory's getting at--it's an odd time to try and assert himself. Jeff told them to walk along the shore, so presumably the camp will be near the beach. Why split up? Boston Brook tells us, "He ain't gonna fit in--dere's one in every bunch." America gets *uncomfortable* The men agree to stay as a pack, leaving a disgruntled Rory to blame the failure of his idea on the "young guys who don't listen," instead of on the fact that his was a dumb idea--proven when minutes later they trip over their tribe flag.

SLACKER BOWHEADS

Morning in the girl's camp, and the older women are working on the shelter while the younger ones are bathing. Scout and Twila and Leann are the worker bees. Scout calls the others, "Bowheads. Theses sorority girls, they're jes' like cattle. They stick together and they're their own favorite topic." Meanwhile, Eliza is holding court with the others, "I try to be positive, like, usually, but I don't see how we can build a fire by rubbing two quasi-dry sticks together. I'm pre-law and I went to Sidwell Friends with Chelsea Clinton, so I use words like "quasi. Dude, are those guys still building the shelter?" Scout finds Eliza irritating, as does the segment of America not so distracted by Eliza's ample bosom they don't care what she says. Eliza huffs, "Twila's all into working and stuff and she like, never stops and it makes those of us who take reasonable breaks look bad!" Twila counters, "They mouths'r workin but they hands ain't. Last naht, they's all cold. Well, git off yer ass and git some sh** done or don' complain whehn yer freezin' yer butt off." Personally, I would just do what Twila says, especially when she's holding a machete.

At the boys camp, JP tries to impress everyone with his fire-making abilities, but comes up short. "Well, it worked at home when I tried it," he sniffs. I do give him props for practicing at home. Chris chuckles, "That dude wants to prove himself as all buff and bad, but he don't got a clue. He got the frame, but he got the brain." I don't even LIKE smug JP, but the guy is TRYING to build a fire, unlike...the whole rest of the tribe. JP gets a hot ember going, but no flame. Then Chad decides he's proven himself enough with his hard work to reveal to the rest of the guys that he has a fake leg, having had his food amputated due to cancer 20 months ago. John K, a cute-and-he-knows-it male model and "mechanical bull operator" says, "Whoa. When he unzipped his pants and showed us his" --relax, it's not that kind of show-- "leg, or lack thereof, I was FREAKED OUT." Brady sighs, "Great. Chad's nice, smart, strong--and he has no leg. We're all screwed." I hate to mention this, Brady, but he's also almost as hot as you are. Brook boasts, "Yeah, e's cool and all dat, but ah'll still vote 'is ass out tuhmarah if I have tuh." We will never know if that's really true...


IMMUNITY HAIKU

men rule 'til the beam
when they falter, women win
we've done this before

The women are all amped for the contest because they just have to prove that women are just as good as men and what better place to prove that then and obstacle course? The women are surprised to see Chad's prosthetic leg, which SO trumps Scout's artificial knee. The challenge is reward AND Immunity--they'll win some flint if they're first through the maze. All nine players have to crawl through the mud under a trestle-thing, then three players get a ball through a box-maze, then all nine have to go over a balance beam, then three have to build a fire and the first team to do that wins. The men are a little faster than the women on the mud crawl, mainly due to Scout. When she gets stuck, Jeff screams, "Drag Her! Just like in the Amazon, we need you women to win this first one or the show loses it's dramatic punch!" The women are out-foxed at the box maze, and appear doomed, but the men are undone by the balance beam--that is to say Chris fails utterly to get across, allowing the women to not only catch-up, but completely run away with the competition. Chris has a big body, but little chicken legs, and I think that was his undoing. The women chant, "Fire and Water and Immunity!" and some of them kind of point at the guys, which was pretty poor sportsmanship. It's not like these guys were responsible for how badly they were excluded at the Pig's Blood Rite of Passage. Anyway, If the men are jerks at the next one, remember who started it.

THE WEAKEST LINK IS NOT WHO YOU THINK

The men are all in the ocean washing off the mud and the loser-stink from the challenge. JP decrees, "We all underestimated the women," and Lea agrees. John K. doesn't, "We just lost." I tend to side with John K. because, it's not like they lost because they were arrogant or anything. They would probably have won had Chris just managed to get across the beam. Chris is so NOT worried about being voted out for this that he jokes, "Hey guys, one more thing about me you should know, I'm not really that good on a balance beam." I kinda like Chris, but I also kinda think that won't last. We'll see. The young bucks (Brook and the John, who we'll call JP and John K) want Chris out because he's proved himself to be "the weakest link." Brady is standing nearby, so Lea thinks he's in agreement, but Brady's actually leaning towards getting rid or Rory because, "He's on his own sheet of music most of the time." Lea doesn't think that Chris IS the weakest link, and wants the older guys to stick together. I don't mind that at all, except that at 33, Chris is one of the old guys. That hurts. Chris wants JP out, but Lea sides with me--JP is the only person trying to make fire. He thinks they should dump cocky Brook.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Fire represents life on the island, when your flame is gone, so are you. Lea lets Chris have it for failing the balance beam, "It was so easy. All he had to do was get his big tail across that beam and we'd've won over those females!" I think Chris was cool with Lea's critique because he wants the young guys to think Lea's with them, but I also think his feelings got hurt when Lea referred to his tail as big. I've seen enough movies about the military to know that Lea's job description as a drill sergeant is pretty much : "hurter of feelings," but don't worry Chris, he's only tearing you down so he can build you up. Or something. Chris tells Jeff he's not worried at all, "Hey, Rory got all weird and bossy the first night and did I come to any snap-judgments about him and about how HE had to go? No. Well, except about him being weird." Rory is genuinely surprised by this and insists, "I fit in fabulously well with the other men and I love my partners here. We are a team--no, correction. We are a family." Speaking of Survivor Amazon, Rory is giving me a Sir Matt vibe. Brady is bemused at how clueless Rory is, but in a very un-Jeff move, Jeff doesn't call Brady on his eye-rolling. Jeff, we expect better. Then Jeff tries to get them to rhapsodize about the females, and Travis/Bubba/Romeo states, "Ah nevuh underestimate a wohman. Jeff shakes his head, "No, that's not what I meant. In the Amazon's first Tribal Council, the guys had lost and they barely cared because all they could talk about was Heidi and Jenna and Shauna!" Brook shrugs, "Well, yeah, dey's a couple uh hotties but ah don' know any uh dere names becasue ya didn't tell us dem, Jeff." "Well...you know each other's names so...so write one of them down!," Jeff snaps. Brook, JP and John K vote for Chris, but he's aligned with Lea, Bubba, Rory and Chad and they get rid of Brook--much to my relief because I've had my fill of Boston with Chachi. Brady is the only person to vote for Rory--uh, Brady, who EXACTLY is on their own sheet of music? Don't be the odd man out, and don't make me replace you with Chad as my official Survivor boyfriend. At least not this early.

Brook joins Sonya, Deb, Diane, Peter, John, Ryan and Nicole (don't worry if you don't remember them--they're losers) as the dubiously distinguished first-people-voted-out of their season. I guess. I still tend to consider him in virgin territory--the first person ever to be voted out in Survivor preseason action. I mean, even the above-mentioned losers didn't finish in 18th place.

Tonight: Hard to say--JP or John K seem likely targets if the older guys maintain their alliance. For the women, I'd wager on mouthy Eliza or the seemingly timid Julie to go OR Scout...it just depends on which way the 30-somethings swing in terms of age groups or if someone does something catastrophically stupid. There's a couple people who annoy me so far, but no arch-villains ala Richard Hatch of Lillian the girl Boy Scout. Fear not, I'm sure I will be ranting about someone very soon, this being Survivor and all.

Peace!

Survivor 8.15 Finale! Finally! :D

Heh, It amuses me that I make that "Finale, Finally!" joke every time, as though it's still clever. Well, the new season starts TONIGHT, so I figured, hey, why not wrap up the finale of Survivor All-Stars?! Maybe you no longer care but in the interest of completeness, here goes...
THE FINAL FOUR

Who knew that back in episode 6, I think, when Chachi and Amber took Poor Jenna and Rupert aside to join one of their many alliances, that this is how things would actually shake out? I wish I'd come up with some silly nickname for them. Rupert is thrilled that Big Tom is gone, while Poor Jenna is marveling along with the rest of America that she is indeed in the Final Four. Chachi tries (at first) to sway Jenna with the truth--namely she has NO chance of beating Rupert, but she might beat him or Amber. He says he won't pressure her, but of course later he does. Then Jeff shows up with champagne and breakfast and everyone gushes about how food is just the best thing ever. I don't know why Chachi is so excited--I think he got to partake in every food reward there was. Chachi and Amber are certain they won't turn on one another, so Amber sets out to try to get Jenna to flip on Rupert. Everyone's afraid of "the purple rock," which is how Pappy was eliminated in Marquesas when he and Neleh were deadlocked against Vecepia and Kath. The three without immunity reached in, two head white rocks (safe) Pappy got the purple rock of death. Rupert sighs, "This is goodbye to one of us, One of us is leavin' tonight. Boy, I hope it's not me." It is. But who cares, you're gonna get your million dollars anyway.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

It'll sure make you very much sadder
If you can't build and climb up your ladder
But unless you are Rupert
You really don't need it
So maybe it don't really matter

Amber wins immunity and Jeff says, "Boy, when you needed it, you got it!" I think he's having an Amazon flashback to when Rich Jenna won a similar challenge when she truly was on the chopping block, because Amber sure as heck didn't need it but whatever. Rupert tells Jenna that they'll both just have to vote for Rob and see what happens. Poor Jenna has a crisis of conscience and tells Rupert that Chachi and Amber came to her with the plan to vote him out but she CAN'T do it. Chachi and Amber go into bully-mode, as Chachi openly mocks Jenna for even considering taking Rupert. They go off to snuggle while Rupert thanks Jenna for giving him a fighting chance and Poor Jenna hedges, "Er...let's not get ahead of ourselves with the thank-you's mmmkay?" Rupert knows he's doomed. Chachi looks over and complains to Amber, "Ah bet e's trine tuh con Jenna in tuh feelin' bad." Takes one to know one, Boston Rob >:1

TRIBAL COUNCIL

One thing All Stars has going for it was the bitterest, angriest jury EVUH! Chachi does his part to rile everyone up more when he starts complaining about how HE was betrayed. Amber does her best Bill Clinton impression as she feels the jury's pain, "When I was in Australia, I was blindsided and voted out by the person I'd been aligned with from the beginning and it hurt, but...I still wound up voting for her to get the money. Lousy Tina." Rupert is low--he knows what's coming. Poor Jenna expects sympathy when she whines, "The hardest part for ME right now is dealing with how hard is going to be on me emotionally when I have to betray my friend what's his name. Rupert. But this game is about winning a million dollars. I know this is season 8, but I still feel it's my duty to remind everyone of that every half hour or so--we're playing for a million dollars and I'm a SINGLE MOTHER. The expectation of how bad selling out my only friend has been resting on my shoulders this whole time! Me! The whole world is against ME, Jeff!" Rupert sighs, "I'm hoping to force the purple rock...ah hell, Jeff, we all know I'm going out." And he does. It's a hell of a lot less painful when you know he's getting his million dollars anyway. Alicia gives a great WTF raised eyebrow when Poor Jenna gives Rupert a goodbye hug--maybe she just wants her knife back? In his exit speech, Rupert marvels, "Greed won out over friendship." He DOES know what "Survivor" is, right? Well, he does now.

"I never give up, I never surrender, I never admit defeat." Rupert Boneham, 2003

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

It comes down to endurance and will
By the end you may feel rather ill
But if you hold tight
Then you'll have the right
To choose who remains with us still

"I love Rupert," Jenna insists, "But I couldn't let MY chance to win a million dollars come down to who picked a rock out of a bag!" "Ah respect ya fuh makin' the decision on ya own," Chachi insists, as Amber stifles a laugh. Early the next morning, Jeff arrives so they can take the Walk of the Fallen, and say nice things about everyone they screwed over, while we get to see clip of them and hear in voice-over how everyone who isn't in the Final Three isn't there because they were to good or too moral to get that far. Whatever you need to tell yoursleves, guys. Then Rob and Amber and Jenna get all painted up ready for the last challenge, where they must stand on pegs and hold on to the Immunity Idol with one hand and only one hand--if they raise either foot off the pegs, or touch the idol with their other hand, they're screwed. Of course Poor Jenna is the first to make it known how hard it is, "Jeff, like everything else that's ever happened to me my entire life, this is really hard. Nothing's ever been handed to me...like, say a car or a million dollars, that's for damn sure." Chachi and Amber try to psych her out by telling Jeff that they're having the time of their lives. Jenna raises her foot ever so slightly but it's clearly off the peg and she's out. She doesn't believe him, and gets off the peg with a heavy sigh--one more deck that was stacked against poor widdle Jenna. Amber and Rob try to convince one another to step down but neither is eager to do so. Jeff implies that they don't really trust one another as much as they thought, while they both insist that they're just too competitive, and want to see who would win. After three grueling hours, Amber gets distracted while talking about the markings on the Idol, and touches it with her other FORBIDDEN hand, and Chachi wins. I think he may have actually tricked her into touching it. Hey, that sounded kinda dirty :p

So, Jenna is woe-is-meing about how she a million dollar check mad out to her in her hand and she blew it, "I would have taken Rob and I would have won," she insists. I think she's wrong here, but we'll get to that later. CBS tries to drum up some fake intrigue by having Amber fret about how Rob's certainly broken his word to other people, and then cut-to Chachi saying how she rode his coattails and might be playing him this whole time. Rob muses, "If ah sell out Ambuh at dis stage, ah look like a complete ass." Um...yeah.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Jenna to give a recap of the challenge and she huffs, "Well, you guys CLAIM that I moved my foot but I'm pretty sure I'd remember that if it happened but whatever, you guys are the boss. At least it didn't come down to my falling off the peg or being too tired." Yes, honey, it did. Chachi admits to Jeff that he might be able to beat either girl in the final vote and Lex and Big Tom nod in agreement. Rob votes out Poor Jenna.

"It was great until it got malicious and evil and I didn't really want to play anymore anyways." Jenna Lewis, 2000

Chachi and Ambuh sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
first comes alliance, then comes lust, then comes a million from CBS!

Then we have to sit through, like, half an hour of the loving couple delighting in one another and exulting in their own game play, blah blah blah. I mean, I don't even hate them--I wish them the best, but this ain't the Bachelor, this is Survivor and I prefer my Final Two awkward, thank you very much.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Opening speeches. Chachi tries to anticpiate the jury's complaints, "AHright, AH know ya pissed. Ah made uh promise ah couldn' keep cuz uh udduh promises. Fuggeduhbout dat an' remembuh how I always played hahd fuh duh team." Amber goes for the super ultra soft-sell, "Boy, Survivor sure was hard this time. I sure was lucky to get as far as I did--like that time when you could have voted me out but you didn't? Uh...maybe I shouldn't have brought that up...anyway, I'm just super glad to have gotten this far and don't bother giving me the money--I'm just glad to have made it this far, okay guys?" Then Lex gives his santicmonious rant, "It's just a game--we've all said it. It washes away all the guilt. But Survivor isn't a game, man, it's LIFE. Survivor exposes who we are, man, like a big giant x-ray of the SOUL, man. You asked me "bro to bro" to do you a solid, and I DID IT. And you repaid me with a knife in the BACK, man. You sold out your values for a stack of greenbacks, man. I hope it was worth it." I loved that Lex actually said "stack of greenbacks," sparing me from having to come up with some hipster word from the 20's to insert there to capture Lex's voice. The hits just keep on coming, as Kath gets up and reminds Chachi about how worried he was after "Marquesas," that people would dislike him. "Now what?" Rob admits he's concerned, he apologizes for getting so caught up in the game that he hurt people and he insists he didn't set out to hurt people. Kath asks AMber if she's been playing Rob for a patsy or if they have a real relationship, and Amber says it started out as a ploy but that her feelings for him are real. Kath makes a final, poignant statement: "We were outnumbered--I got it. I think you could have taken a parallel course--one you didn't see. If you have given us an ounce of respect, all of these bad feelings wouldn't be here." I think this is true. Rob didn't just outplay them, he mocked them, he laughed at them, he gloated at the Tribal Council meetings. Only now is he realizing what a mistake that was.

Rupert isn't nearly as mad. After all, he was promised final four and he got it. He asks Amber what she did to get there, and she babbles about focus and playing hard. He asks Chachi why he should vote for him and Chachi grins, "Because...you're a man of your word." The bitter jury isn't amused, but Rupert thinks it's a great answer. Alicia insults both players, then asks them to sum up their game in one word: Chachi mumbles "competitiveness" while Amber replies, "luck." I have to give Amber props for taking a page right out of the Tina Wesson playbook. Shii Ann congratulates both players and admonishes the rest of the jury--those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Remember, Shii Ann never had any real problems with Amber and Rob--it's Jenna and Alicia whom she can't stand. She asks each to say why the other deserves it and basically Rob says Amber was a super helpful assistant, while Amber praises how great Rob was in the challenges. Jenna also praises both, and asks what they'd do with the million dollars. Rob wants to set up a scholarship for some kids he coaches, while Amber would support a Muscular Dystrophy charity.

Then Big Tom asks why he should vote for Amber. Amber says that since Tom was closer to Rob then he was to her, Rob's betrayal was worse than hers. Not a great answer, but it doesn't need to be because Rob is gonna piss away his chance at a million dollars riiiiiiiiiiight.........HERE. Because Big Tom is a chauvinist. He don't wanna admit he was beat by no whohmun. But instead of being even remotely conciliatory, Chachi attacks Big Tom, claiming he broke their alliance because he learned that Tom was plotting against him. tom is flabbergasted, then goes to shake Robin's hand and pulls it away. In their closing statements, Amber and Rob both kick the dirt and say they've learned what truly terrible people they are. We only see four of the seven votes: Jenna votes for Rob, Tom votes for Amber. Alicia says, "Rob, do you remember when you and I shook hands and looked each other in the eye and promised we'd never write each other's name down? I'm a woman of my word." :D That was awesome, she votes for Amber. Kath votes for Rob, "I'm such a sucker. We're friends--it's damaged but I love you." I love Kath.

In New York, Rob brings the house down when he delays the vote reading by proposing to Amber, "Ah love yuhs wit' all muh hot." She says yes. Then Jeff says, "Amber, you're a millionaire now, no matter what!" Which struck me as a sexist way to look at it, considering the same is true of Rob, but whatever. Amber wins by one vote.

"It's important for me to have people on my team who will do what I tell them to do, and not know that I'm telling them to do it." Rob Mariano, 2002

Jenna insists she would have one over Rob but Amber-supporter Shii Ann says she would have voted for Rob over Poor Jenna. When Amber has the chance to award someone with a car, everyone in the audience screams that she should give it to Rupert--why!? America loves Rupert, but he didn't vote for Amber, you morons. She gives it to Shii Ann, whom she dubs the swing vote. I think this is accurate because Lex, Alicia and Tom only voted for Amber to spite Rob. Shii Ann's really the only person on the jury who supported Amber, so she should get the car. Jeff calls Lex out on his hypocrisy for being mad at Rob for doing what Lex himself did to Ethan, Colby and Jerri. When Lex says it's TOTALLY different, he gets booed. A part of me dies when I find myself amening Richard Hatch when he tells Kath and Lex to grow up and get over it--it's a game. The rest of my soul dies when Ethan confirms his relationship with Rich Jenna. NOooooooooooooooooooooo! <:0 Jerri tells America they suck and America boos and Jerri runs away. Jenna reveals that she got married a few days before the reunion, "But leave it to Amber to steal my thunder!" Jeff announces that this year, America will get a chance to award a second million dollars to their favorite Survivor and the other Survivors all know Rupert's gonna win. A few days later, he does. The End.

Tonight: Survivor Vanuatu!!!! :D :D :D :D Our first batch of NEW Survivors in a whole year!! It looks like a great group of people, and I'm trying real hard not to get bent about them having 18 contestants instead of 16. That's gonna mess me up :I I kind of hope this ritual they keep touting in the commercial will eliminate 2 people, and we WILL only have 16. I don't like change. It is interesting that they keep saying on the promos that "it's the men vs. the women," yet they've yet to assign tribe names on the website, or indeed divide them up by men and women. Hmmmmm. Amber's win makes her the third woman in row to win Survivor. A man hasn't won since Porn Star Brian. I predict a male victor this time--but only if the men start taking the women seriously, instead of focusing so hard on delimiting each other.

Anyway, peace, and let the games begin! :D

Christine

"I'm so tired of losing!" Amber Brkich, 2001