Survivor 8.15 Finale! Finally! :D

Heh, It amuses me that I make that "Finale, Finally!" joke every time, as though it's still clever. Well, the new season starts TONIGHT, so I figured, hey, why not wrap up the finale of Survivor All-Stars?! Maybe you no longer care but in the interest of completeness, here goes...
THE FINAL FOUR

Who knew that back in episode 6, I think, when Chachi and Amber took Poor Jenna and Rupert aside to join one of their many alliances, that this is how things would actually shake out? I wish I'd come up with some silly nickname for them. Rupert is thrilled that Big Tom is gone, while Poor Jenna is marveling along with the rest of America that she is indeed in the Final Four. Chachi tries (at first) to sway Jenna with the truth--namely she has NO chance of beating Rupert, but she might beat him or Amber. He says he won't pressure her, but of course later he does. Then Jeff shows up with champagne and breakfast and everyone gushes about how food is just the best thing ever. I don't know why Chachi is so excited--I think he got to partake in every food reward there was. Chachi and Amber are certain they won't turn on one another, so Amber sets out to try to get Jenna to flip on Rupert. Everyone's afraid of "the purple rock," which is how Pappy was eliminated in Marquesas when he and Neleh were deadlocked against Vecepia and Kath. The three without immunity reached in, two head white rocks (safe) Pappy got the purple rock of death. Rupert sighs, "This is goodbye to one of us, One of us is leavin' tonight. Boy, I hope it's not me." It is. But who cares, you're gonna get your million dollars anyway.

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

It'll sure make you very much sadder
If you can't build and climb up your ladder
But unless you are Rupert
You really don't need it
So maybe it don't really matter

Amber wins immunity and Jeff says, "Boy, when you needed it, you got it!" I think he's having an Amazon flashback to when Rich Jenna won a similar challenge when she truly was on the chopping block, because Amber sure as heck didn't need it but whatever. Rupert tells Jenna that they'll both just have to vote for Rob and see what happens. Poor Jenna has a crisis of conscience and tells Rupert that Chachi and Amber came to her with the plan to vote him out but she CAN'T do it. Chachi and Amber go into bully-mode, as Chachi openly mocks Jenna for even considering taking Rupert. They go off to snuggle while Rupert thanks Jenna for giving him a fighting chance and Poor Jenna hedges, "Er...let's not get ahead of ourselves with the thank-you's mmmkay?" Rupert knows he's doomed. Chachi looks over and complains to Amber, "Ah bet e's trine tuh con Jenna in tuh feelin' bad." Takes one to know one, Boston Rob >:1

TRIBAL COUNCIL

One thing All Stars has going for it was the bitterest, angriest jury EVUH! Chachi does his part to rile everyone up more when he starts complaining about how HE was betrayed. Amber does her best Bill Clinton impression as she feels the jury's pain, "When I was in Australia, I was blindsided and voted out by the person I'd been aligned with from the beginning and it hurt, but...I still wound up voting for her to get the money. Lousy Tina." Rupert is low--he knows what's coming. Poor Jenna expects sympathy when she whines, "The hardest part for ME right now is dealing with how hard is going to be on me emotionally when I have to betray my friend what's his name. Rupert. But this game is about winning a million dollars. I know this is season 8, but I still feel it's my duty to remind everyone of that every half hour or so--we're playing for a million dollars and I'm a SINGLE MOTHER. The expectation of how bad selling out my only friend has been resting on my shoulders this whole time! Me! The whole world is against ME, Jeff!" Rupert sighs, "I'm hoping to force the purple rock...ah hell, Jeff, we all know I'm going out." And he does. It's a hell of a lot less painful when you know he's getting his million dollars anyway. Alicia gives a great WTF raised eyebrow when Poor Jenna gives Rupert a goodbye hug--maybe she just wants her knife back? In his exit speech, Rupert marvels, "Greed won out over friendship." He DOES know what "Survivor" is, right? Well, he does now.

"I never give up, I never surrender, I never admit defeat." Rupert Boneham, 2003

IMMUNITY LIMERICK

It comes down to endurance and will
By the end you may feel rather ill
But if you hold tight
Then you'll have the right
To choose who remains with us still

"I love Rupert," Jenna insists, "But I couldn't let MY chance to win a million dollars come down to who picked a rock out of a bag!" "Ah respect ya fuh makin' the decision on ya own," Chachi insists, as Amber stifles a laugh. Early the next morning, Jeff arrives so they can take the Walk of the Fallen, and say nice things about everyone they screwed over, while we get to see clip of them and hear in voice-over how everyone who isn't in the Final Three isn't there because they were to good or too moral to get that far. Whatever you need to tell yoursleves, guys. Then Rob and Amber and Jenna get all painted up ready for the last challenge, where they must stand on pegs and hold on to the Immunity Idol with one hand and only one hand--if they raise either foot off the pegs, or touch the idol with their other hand, they're screwed. Of course Poor Jenna is the first to make it known how hard it is, "Jeff, like everything else that's ever happened to me my entire life, this is really hard. Nothing's ever been handed to me...like, say a car or a million dollars, that's for damn sure." Chachi and Amber try to psych her out by telling Jeff that they're having the time of their lives. Jenna raises her foot ever so slightly but it's clearly off the peg and she's out. She doesn't believe him, and gets off the peg with a heavy sigh--one more deck that was stacked against poor widdle Jenna. Amber and Rob try to convince one another to step down but neither is eager to do so. Jeff implies that they don't really trust one another as much as they thought, while they both insist that they're just too competitive, and want to see who would win. After three grueling hours, Amber gets distracted while talking about the markings on the Idol, and touches it with her other FORBIDDEN hand, and Chachi wins. I think he may have actually tricked her into touching it. Hey, that sounded kinda dirty :p

So, Jenna is woe-is-meing about how she a million dollar check mad out to her in her hand and she blew it, "I would have taken Rob and I would have won," she insists. I think she's wrong here, but we'll get to that later. CBS tries to drum up some fake intrigue by having Amber fret about how Rob's certainly broken his word to other people, and then cut-to Chachi saying how she rode his coattails and might be playing him this whole time. Rob muses, "If ah sell out Ambuh at dis stage, ah look like a complete ass." Um...yeah.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff asks Jenna to give a recap of the challenge and she huffs, "Well, you guys CLAIM that I moved my foot but I'm pretty sure I'd remember that if it happened but whatever, you guys are the boss. At least it didn't come down to my falling off the peg or being too tired." Yes, honey, it did. Chachi admits to Jeff that he might be able to beat either girl in the final vote and Lex and Big Tom nod in agreement. Rob votes out Poor Jenna.

"It was great until it got malicious and evil and I didn't really want to play anymore anyways." Jenna Lewis, 2000

Chachi and Ambuh sitting in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
first comes alliance, then comes lust, then comes a million from CBS!

Then we have to sit through, like, half an hour of the loving couple delighting in one another and exulting in their own game play, blah blah blah. I mean, I don't even hate them--I wish them the best, but this ain't the Bachelor, this is Survivor and I prefer my Final Two awkward, thank you very much.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Opening speeches. Chachi tries to anticpiate the jury's complaints, "AHright, AH know ya pissed. Ah made uh promise ah couldn' keep cuz uh udduh promises. Fuggeduhbout dat an' remembuh how I always played hahd fuh duh team." Amber goes for the super ultra soft-sell, "Boy, Survivor sure was hard this time. I sure was lucky to get as far as I did--like that time when you could have voted me out but you didn't? Uh...maybe I shouldn't have brought that up...anyway, I'm just super glad to have gotten this far and don't bother giving me the money--I'm just glad to have made it this far, okay guys?" Then Lex gives his santicmonious rant, "It's just a game--we've all said it. It washes away all the guilt. But Survivor isn't a game, man, it's LIFE. Survivor exposes who we are, man, like a big giant x-ray of the SOUL, man. You asked me "bro to bro" to do you a solid, and I DID IT. And you repaid me with a knife in the BACK, man. You sold out your values for a stack of greenbacks, man. I hope it was worth it." I loved that Lex actually said "stack of greenbacks," sparing me from having to come up with some hipster word from the 20's to insert there to capture Lex's voice. The hits just keep on coming, as Kath gets up and reminds Chachi about how worried he was after "Marquesas," that people would dislike him. "Now what?" Rob admits he's concerned, he apologizes for getting so caught up in the game that he hurt people and he insists he didn't set out to hurt people. Kath asks AMber if she's been playing Rob for a patsy or if they have a real relationship, and Amber says it started out as a ploy but that her feelings for him are real. Kath makes a final, poignant statement: "We were outnumbered--I got it. I think you could have taken a parallel course--one you didn't see. If you have given us an ounce of respect, all of these bad feelings wouldn't be here." I think this is true. Rob didn't just outplay them, he mocked them, he laughed at them, he gloated at the Tribal Council meetings. Only now is he realizing what a mistake that was.

Rupert isn't nearly as mad. After all, he was promised final four and he got it. He asks Amber what she did to get there, and she babbles about focus and playing hard. He asks Chachi why he should vote for him and Chachi grins, "Because...you're a man of your word." The bitter jury isn't amused, but Rupert thinks it's a great answer. Alicia insults both players, then asks them to sum up their game in one word: Chachi mumbles "competitiveness" while Amber replies, "luck." I have to give Amber props for taking a page right out of the Tina Wesson playbook. Shii Ann congratulates both players and admonishes the rest of the jury--those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Remember, Shii Ann never had any real problems with Amber and Rob--it's Jenna and Alicia whom she can't stand. She asks each to say why the other deserves it and basically Rob says Amber was a super helpful assistant, while Amber praises how great Rob was in the challenges. Jenna also praises both, and asks what they'd do with the million dollars. Rob wants to set up a scholarship for some kids he coaches, while Amber would support a Muscular Dystrophy charity.

Then Big Tom asks why he should vote for Amber. Amber says that since Tom was closer to Rob then he was to her, Rob's betrayal was worse than hers. Not a great answer, but it doesn't need to be because Rob is gonna piss away his chance at a million dollars riiiiiiiiiiight.........HERE. Because Big Tom is a chauvinist. He don't wanna admit he was beat by no whohmun. But instead of being even remotely conciliatory, Chachi attacks Big Tom, claiming he broke their alliance because he learned that Tom was plotting against him. tom is flabbergasted, then goes to shake Robin's hand and pulls it away. In their closing statements, Amber and Rob both kick the dirt and say they've learned what truly terrible people they are. We only see four of the seven votes: Jenna votes for Rob, Tom votes for Amber. Alicia says, "Rob, do you remember when you and I shook hands and looked each other in the eye and promised we'd never write each other's name down? I'm a woman of my word." :D That was awesome, she votes for Amber. Kath votes for Rob, "I'm such a sucker. We're friends--it's damaged but I love you." I love Kath.

In New York, Rob brings the house down when he delays the vote reading by proposing to Amber, "Ah love yuhs wit' all muh hot." She says yes. Then Jeff says, "Amber, you're a millionaire now, no matter what!" Which struck me as a sexist way to look at it, considering the same is true of Rob, but whatever. Amber wins by one vote.

"It's important for me to have people on my team who will do what I tell them to do, and not know that I'm telling them to do it." Rob Mariano, 2002

Jenna insists she would have one over Rob but Amber-supporter Shii Ann says she would have voted for Rob over Poor Jenna. When Amber has the chance to award someone with a car, everyone in the audience screams that she should give it to Rupert--why!? America loves Rupert, but he didn't vote for Amber, you morons. She gives it to Shii Ann, whom she dubs the swing vote. I think this is accurate because Lex, Alicia and Tom only voted for Amber to spite Rob. Shii Ann's really the only person on the jury who supported Amber, so she should get the car. Jeff calls Lex out on his hypocrisy for being mad at Rob for doing what Lex himself did to Ethan, Colby and Jerri. When Lex says it's TOTALLY different, he gets booed. A part of me dies when I find myself amening Richard Hatch when he tells Kath and Lex to grow up and get over it--it's a game. The rest of my soul dies when Ethan confirms his relationship with Rich Jenna. NOooooooooooooooooooooo! <:0 Jerri tells America they suck and America boos and Jerri runs away. Jenna reveals that she got married a few days before the reunion, "But leave it to Amber to steal my thunder!" Jeff announces that this year, America will get a chance to award a second million dollars to their favorite Survivor and the other Survivors all know Rupert's gonna win. A few days later, he does. The End.

Tonight: Survivor Vanuatu!!!! :D :D :D :D Our first batch of NEW Survivors in a whole year!! It looks like a great group of people, and I'm trying real hard not to get bent about them having 18 contestants instead of 16. That's gonna mess me up :I I kind of hope this ritual they keep touting in the commercial will eliminate 2 people, and we WILL only have 16. I don't like change. It is interesting that they keep saying on the promos that "it's the men vs. the women," yet they've yet to assign tribe names on the website, or indeed divide them up by men and women. Hmmmmm. Amber's win makes her the third woman in row to win Survivor. A man hasn't won since Porn Star Brian. I predict a male victor this time--but only if the men start taking the women seriously, instead of focusing so hard on delimiting each other.

Anyway, peace, and let the games begin! :D

Christine

"I'm so tired of losing!" Amber Brkich, 2001