Survivor 9.2 "Please don't drop the machete, dude"

Before I begin, let me print a correction--last week I said Rory was the only "person of color" in this year's cast, but reader "Eric G" reminded me that Julie is Native American. Thanks for that. I welcome any corrections and even criticism because, honestly, it tells me someone's still reading this thing :p I'm shameless, I know. I like to see email in my inbox that isn't porn or mortgage related.

Gah, is there anything more insufferable than JAG promos? As expected, it's pretty miserable on Vanuatu. The Survivors would welcome a volcanic eruption at this point, if only for the soothing flow of deadly lava. Speaking of volcanic eruptions, they're saying (you know "them" they're always saying stuff) that Mount St. Helens may erupt. Mount St. Helens is very sacred to the people of Washington state, who believe it to be the resting place of the dead. Anyway, the men are suffering the most because they still don't have fire. Nor does anyone have jackets--is that like, a rule or something? If so, props to Sarge for at least bringing a long-sleeved shirt. Sarge also gleefully eats worms for protein, while the other men frown at them in disgust. They try to build a fire, and come very close--they create a tiny flame but fail to make it catch. At one point they frantically call Sarge over to help and he keeps saying, "Tribute, tribute, respect the island, respect the island," which turns out not to be any help whatsoever. I still like Sarge though, despite his calling women FE-males, which, though not necessarily offensive, struck me wrong.

The girls have fire, but not much else. Twila and Mia boost Lisa on their shoulders so she can cut down some plantains and she almost drops the machete onto the other girl's heads. "Please don't drop the machete, dude," Mia grumbles. Lisa manages to get the plantains cut down, despite interference from her HUGE FAKE BOOBS! Holy CRAP, how did I miss those things last week!? Lisa makes Rich Jenna from the Amazon look like Olive Oyl. Eliza complains about the cold, the damp and the food. Props to Eliza for pronouncing plantains properly, instead of planteeeens, like Poor Jenna. Everyone is chowing down on the plantains until they discover maggots in them and Dolly starts crying. Scout insists they aren't maggots now that they're cooked. Uh, I think they're still maggots, Scout. A little warmer, but still...yeah. Twila praises them for their nutritional value. Dolly tells us, "I *sniff* I'm having fun. I'm *sob* not complaining about the cold and the maggots, honest. *sob* I'm happy to be here even though I wish I was dead." I think Mark Burnett may have been holding a gun to her head off-camera, she was so convincing. Twila consoles her, but privately has no use for her, "There youngun's, ah don' know if they thought it wuz a joke or whuht. If ah gotta eat maggots ah'll eat maggots. If they need tuh be pampahed, they need tuh go back to the Holiday Inn." I like Twila. I don't think she'd like me though, because I would be one of the crying girls, day one, first spider.

JP and Bubba take a stroll, and JP asks Bubba point blank, "Dude, are you old guys targeting us younger, prettier guys?" And Bubba drawls, "Duh, son." I'd think it's funny except Brady, aka Agent My Boyfriend has somehow been lumped in the same outnumbered group! Noooooo! Get rid of JP and John K! But leave my eye-candy alone!Bubba tells JP that his great looks, hot bod and wining personality are too much a threat to him in this game. ANd uh, those were his words, guys. Not mine. JP nods, "This may all be true, but still, dude!" Bubba shrugs, "AH got kids, man." Then JP gets all indignant but his "intensity" feels like a bad Tom Cruise impression...or wait...a GOOD Tom Cruise impression, "Are you saying if I had KIDS, that would alter your decision!?" Bubba shrugs, "Nup." JP's still mad.

REWARD HAIKU

cross the beam swiftly
hug your pal close as you pass
it won't mean you're gay

Reward is some blankets, pillows and a hammock and flint for the men. To win, each team stands on a balance beam and one by one, each person must traverse the beam by passing over one another. It's really a trust exercise because you must put yourselves in the arms of your teammates in order to cross. The women only manage to get Brady across before the women get everyone over. John K. falls in numerous times, mainly because Bubba kept freaking out and dropping him--it really seemed to weird the guys out to get all *close* . Mia is the last girl over, and she does a kind of dance as she moves of the beam and onto the platform (Jeff calls it a moonwalk but it wasn't).

Whatever it was, it was NOT appreciated by Rory. When the men return to camp, some of the men are bitching about the contest. "Can you imagine Sarge getting past Travis?" John K. whines. Well John, that'll always be a theoretical question since you never managed to get your skinny butt across the beam. Rory rants, "And Twila's little dance? That was classless!" "That wasn't Twila," Sarge puts in. "Whatever her name is--who the hell can tell one from the other." "MIA," all the men say in unison. Sarge doesn't understand Rory's rancor, calmly insisting that it was a game and that they should get over it. "They were proud," he sighs, "If we had won, we probably would have done the--" "NO!" Rory bellows, "I understand we would have been proud but would WE intentionally rub their noses in it? I think NOT!" Now, even though Rory is ostensibly angry at the women (for something only Mia did) he's essentially chewing out his own team, and it's not appreciated by Sarge. Then Rory tells him, "If she was a MAN would you have taken that? NO." Sarge just loooooves to be told what he would or wouldn't do--you can tell :D Sarge doesn't even understand, "Taken WHAT? I lose humble because it's a game--" "Oh I understand that it's a game, too. I'm humble too--my ego isn't invested in this AT ALL. I just don't need a DANCE!" They should have cut to Mia dancing to "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins, but they didn't. Sarge sighs and says, "Okay," which I'm pretty sure is Sarge for "Whatever, dude." Rory goes off to play his own sheet of music, leaving Sarge to express his frustration to some of the other men. He's fed up with Rory's temper and oddness. Once-doomed young bucks John K and JP try not to seem to eager in their agreement...

The women, meanwhile, have some excitment when a wild chicken wanders into camp. Lisa, Dolly, Eliza and Twila stalk it through the jungle. Dolly chucks a rock at it, and it hunkers down in some bushes, which is probably it's nest. "Oh my God, he's laying an egg," Lisa explains. "She," Twila reasons. Everyone goads a reluctant Twila into stabbing the bird. "Ah'm sorry little chicken cuz ah ken't stand tuh hurt uhn animal," she whispers. Hunger wins out, however, and she attempts to stab the chicken who manages to escape. Aw. But it leaves behind five eggs. Yay! But then when they're cooking them, their makeshift stove collapses in the fire. Aw. Which just goes to show you, don't count your chickens...oh, nevermind. The women aren't too demoralized though and Ami explains, "The great thing about being on an all woman tribe is we all care about each other and we all want each other to succeed." Ami apparently does not watch "The Apprentice." She does allow that the tribe has broken into two groups: the older generation of herself, Scout, Twila and Leann, and the younger generation of Eliza, Mia, Julie and Dolly. Oh, and Lisa. Not surprisingly, the older women work harder. Dolly is wavering though, and when Twila presses her on her allegiances, Dolly blabs, "At first we were all gonna vote you out but then we were all like, Twila works too hard to get rid of and now..I think everyone's sick of Eliza because she's so annoying. Anyway, Twila, TRUST ME. I'm totally with you guys. Read my lips: No new taxes!"

IMMUNITY HAIKU

failing every task
there's no one to blame clearly
except for magic rock

The tree mail alludes to the fact that the men haven't won a damn thing since Brady captured the Magic Rock for the boys *cue Brady Bunch in Hawaii cursed-Tiki music* Plus, they wouldn't let the guy with the goat into their tribe and they traded away Babe Ruth. They decide to affix Magic Rock atop a pole to give it a place of honor. As soon as the pole is upright, it starts raining. I know I make fun of Joanna the superstitious Christian a lot, but I'd be with her on this one. I wouldn't insult the natives to their faces, but I wouldn't take part in some "Behold, our new god, the Magic Rock" ceremony either. I'm just sayin'.

The challenge is the one where one person yells out directions to their blindfolded team, and those poor bastards tumble and bonk and crash all over the place. They have to retrieve puzzle pieces (a phrase that has grown irritating to me form watching Survivor. Puzzle pieces. Yeah, I know, I'm weird) and then assemble several puzzles as they ascend a tower. Men are playing for their flint in addition to immunity. Scout and Sarge are the yellers, and Sarge is way better at barking orders at his people because it's what he does for a living. At one point, Eliza is almost impaled on a piece that she falls on top off and Scout says breezily, "Yeah, you found it!" Then Rory starts yelling, "Lopevi! LOpevi! Lopevi!" Which is their tribe name. I don't know if this was a strange attempt to rally his team, or a "classless" attempt to drwon out Scout's directions to her team but all he succeeds in doing is drowning out Sarge's orders so Sarge screams at him, "YOU NEED TO SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU ARE MESSING ME UP!!!!" Rory's an idiot. And if he was trying to mess up the women it's completely unnecessary--they've got that under control thank you very much. A blindfolded Eliza asks Scout if they have anymore pieces in the water and Scout dismisses her, saying they don't. She believes they are even with the men and tells her team to take their blindfolds off at the men take off theirs but Jeff yells for them not to and then actually points out to Scout where the missing piece was--in the water. Eliza huffs, "That's what I said! Didn't I say that? I'm quite certain I did, I said Scout, are there pieces in the water and you said no and I was all I think there are and you were all no and now Jeff is all there are and..." Oy, this girl. The girls fetch the piece, but can't make up the time they've lost. It's a costly blunder because the men struggled a bit on the puzzles--the women could easily have taken them had they not lost all that time. The men cry and yell and jump around, but no one moonwalks. The women just cry. Personally, I think Jeff's lucky the men won, because I think it was unfair of him to point out to Scout where the last piece was. In my opinion, he should have just told her she only had eleven pieces left, so that she'd have find it herself. Not saying it made a huge difference, but Jeff definitely helped the women, and it wasn't appropriate.

Back at the girl's camp, someone jokes, "There's no crying in Survivor," because everyone's crying. Scout comforts Eliza, who sniffles, "I just never expected to like everyone so much," and Scout pretends to agree even though she and the older women have been writing "Eliza" on their imaginary cards since their first day on the island. Julie, who I called passive last week? Is not at all passive--just cool as ice and actually, a little frightening. She asks Dolly what the older women are saying and Dolly blabs that they're all saying Eliza and oh, by the way, she's probably voting that way too, which takes Julie by surprise--you can tell because her eyebrow almost goes up. Almost. Julie tells us that Dolly is too sweet for her own good--she's thinking about everyone else's feelings and best interests, rather than her own (and of course, by extension, Julie's). Dolly insists to Julie that Twila works to hard and shouldn't be voted out. A mistaken Julie insists, 'The great thing about Eliza is, if we tell her to do something she absolutely will, whereas Twila is like, her own person." Julie, realizing that Dolly is committed to keeping Twila around comes up with another option, "What about...Leanne? She's a total nobody, you wouldn't miss her, right? I mean, I love her, but she sucks, right?" Dolly nods, "Yeah. I don't really know her at all. And I'm way more loyal to you young people than I am to the older people. Julie, TRUST ME. I promise I'll vote for Leanne and you'll have a chicken in every pot and two cars in every garage!" Dolly tells us she's in a "cluster. A cluster-you-know-what." I know what. If you don't, I'm not gonna explain it to you. Dolly then blabs to both Ami AND Scout that the young girls are targeting Leanne. She tells Scout, "I could go either way on the Leanne/Eliza, but Scout, I promise your Social Security will be safe!" When Scout points out that Eliza is irritating everyone and Leanne is a hard worker Dolly is surprised, "Really? I don't even notice Leanne or know much about her--that's why she's expendable."

Leanne, Eliza and Ami are sitting on the beach, and Eliza asks Leanne, "Who are you voting for, is it me? It's me, right? It is. I can totally tell it's me--" Leanne gets really nervous, "I don't know what's going on, man. Should I? Are you the target? I don't know." Ami sighs, "I don't agree with either one--the whole things a popularity contest." Leanne frowns, "Who's the other one..ME?" She's floored. Amy spills, "Dolly said we'd vote Leanne out first, and save Eliza for later. Dolly, Julie and Mia are controlling the whole thing." Eliza huffs, "I don't like that AT ALL. Do you? I don't I think that's annoying don't you? It is." Julie, Mia and Lisa see the three women in the distance and Julie smiles smugly, "Well, they can't really be talking about the vote because Eliza's there and she does whatever we want." Hah. HAH, I say! Seriously, this all comes down to the young girls and Lisa not doing a good job and assuring Eliza of the plan. Eliza feels threatened and agrees with Leanne and Ami that Dolly is controlling the game and playing both sides. "We should just get rid of her...but Twila and Scout would never go for it!" "Oh yes they would," Leanne and Ami insist. After all, Dolly IS under 30 ;) Before they leave for Tribal Council, Dolly insists to a skeptical Eliza, "I'm NOT gonna write your name down, I promise. And I'm gonna put a man on the moon before the end of the decade." Eliza frets about blindsiding the rest of the Heathers, but knows she may be targeted if they know of her plans to oust Dolly. Count on it, sister.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff catches the girls up on the whole "fire represents life thing." He asks Scout if she feels bad about losing the challenge for the team, and Scout admits she blew it, but she doesn't intend to wallow in it either. Jeff asks Eliza about work and she says, "well everyone has their on days and their off days but everyone works equally except Twila who never stops working which is awesome but also annoying no offense." When Twila deflects the praise by crediting Leanne, Ami and Scout, Mia rolls her eyes in a way that just makes me want to smack her so hard she swallows her nose-piercing. Leanne complains that the lack of sleep has made her withdrawn, which has hurt her, because she's been to tired to have any all-important "face time" with Dolly, the passive-manipulator of ALL. Dolly has no idea what's coming as she blithers to Jeff, "My problem is I'm just too nice too everyone and it's hurt me because I'm like, in the middle because I like everyone and four people want to vote one ay and the other four want the other and I'm the deciding factor in everything!" Julie agrees as she casts her vote for "Leane" apologetically, "Sorry, you seem nice but Dolly MADE ME. I wanted to vote for mean old Twila." Mia spells the name "Leigh Ann." You can't blame anyone for misspelling because you really can't ask anyone on your tribe how their name is spelled--it's considered bad form. Anyway, Jeff read three votes for Dolly before he drops the hammer on Dolly. Watching Dolly and her crew (she DID vote with them against Leanne) gasp in shock and horror was satisfying, and Dolly was booted 5-4 as Eliza shot them all a "Please you guys, don't be mad" look. Dumping the nice but capricious Dolly was a solid move for the older gals, and I hope they protect Eliza for a few weeks anyway, just becasue it would suck. In NYPD Blue lingo, she did them a solid, and they should honor that.

No one has ever been voted out in 17th place before Dolly.

Tonight--are they really getting rid of two people tonight? I think maybe the scene is a smoke screen--it's Jeff telling them what MAY happen, not what actually will. Just a guess. If the girls go to TC, I predict Mia's ouster, Rory if it's the boys. Predictable picks, I know--CBS promo is playing me like a violin.

Peace!