Survivor 9.1 Deja Vanuatu

Ah, another season, another late review. And our first cast of new players since same time last year. It's our first Survivor without Rupert since the Amazon! Speaking of the Amazon...anyone get the feeling like we did this one already? Tribes divided along gender lines, the guys think it's in the bag, the young girls annoy the older gals by not working, the women wind up beating the men because one of the guys can't get across the balance beam and the male tribe winds up putting the smackdown on one of the young bucks? Sure, there were some differences but next week, if someone finds a candy bar wrapper in Scout's bag, I'm OUTTA HERE! ; ) On "Big Brother" this summer, we learned that some people think the word "Karma" has to do with Carmen Electra, and on "The Amazing Race" we learned that no one knows what either "vertigo" or "scarab" means--hopefully this group will be equally ignorant so I can continue to feel superior to my fellow man. Because in the end, isn't that what reality television is all about?

Jeff stands on top of a volcano telling us that the natives of Vanuatu believe that the Yasur Volcano is the resting spot of the dead and they used to be cannibals and they're into black magic. The camera is showing us the cast as Jeff does his usual voice-over spiel about how they have to create "a new society" etc., and when he says "or they will be voted out of the tribe," the camera is resting on Brook--who IS the first person out. I've never noticed if they've done that before. 39 days! 18 (whatever) people! One Survivor! There are NO gratuitous cleavage shots in this season's opening--men, you can thank Janet Jackson for that, I reckon. It opens with a native guy plunging from a high tower with a vine tied around his legs--if that doesn't turn up in a challenge, I'm gonna be sorely disappointed.

WELCOME TO VANUATU...UNLESS YOU'RE A GIRL

The boat drops anchor, and the natives come howling in from the shore on outrigger boats. Needless to say, everyone is relieved to see the lovely Jeff Probst, looking marvelous in a brown shirt. He'd look even better out of it, and those of you who saw him in Entertainment Weekly wearing only novelty boxer shorts know what I'm talking about. Jeff warns the nervous Survivors that they are about to take part in a tribal ritual, "It will impact all of you differently--at times you will think it's beautiful, at times you will be repulsed and at times you will be frightened. Kinda like watching CBS. Anyway, there's a real Chief who's gonna preside over the ceremony and these savages take all this crazy magical hooey real serious so don't make fun of any kooky thing they do and whatever you do, don't freak out." Bubbly Mia confides, "He kept telling us how scary it was gonna be so I was REALLY freaked out." Then the gang has to get into the outrigger boats. Travis aka Bubba tells us, "Ah only learnt tuh swim six weeks ago, so ah was freaked out!" Leann (who kinda looks like Lucy Lawless) pants, "Then the scary natives rounded us all up in the water and started circling us--I was really freaked out!" Once on shore, the Survivors are met by a bunch of face-painted spear-wielders and J.P. smirks, "I was really freaked out thinking we might have to defend ourselves or something!" Rory, aka the black guy aka the only person of color in the entire cast (though there's at least one lesbian, maybe two) smiles, "They were jabbing spears at everyone--everyone except me. I took that as, a black man coming onto the island was not particularly unwelcome to them." Ironically, he was the first to die. "Then the girls were all herded to one side," Eliza pouts, "I was REALLY freaked out! The men all got to sit on stumps while we had to kneel on these cruddy mats."

Adding insult to...well, insult, the men are given the honor of drinking a grotesque liquid out of a dirt coconut husk. Wait...was that an insult? Anyway, JP is thrilled, "I was like hey, this is awesome--the men are getting special treatment over the women! I thought that was cool because, well, I hate women." Then a pig is brought into camp and Lisa tells us, "Well, pigs are really sacred to the natives--I think they're even more highly regarded than women, in some ways." "OINK OINK WEEEEEE OINK OINK!!!" Allow me to translate: The spirit of the dead pig, now residing in the Yasur Volcano, would like to point out that Lisa survived the ceremony, so maybe Lisa's exaggerating a little. Good point, dead pig. So the pig is killed with an ax while it is still alive. Seriously, I think Mark Burnett planned this whole thing to tweak the PETA people, who were so vocal about Mike's killing of the pig back in Australia. That's why he has Jeff be all, "It may seem cruel to US, but this is their culture--you liberals are all into that politically correct stuff like honoring wacko religious beliefs, right? So shut up!" Everyone's pretty freaked out (surprise) except for Dolly, who, as a shepherdess, does this sort of thing all the time, "I totally get that ritual," she nods. I'd call her Little Bo Peep or something but since her name is already Dolly, seriously, why bother? Dolly kinda looks like Britney Spears if she wasn't a skank. I know that's hard to imagine, but try. Anyway, the Chief takes the pig blood and smears it on the men's faces and again the women are left out and again, they're supposed to feel slighted but...I dunno, wouldn't you be kinda relieved? Then there's this whole thing about how the Chief is gonna give one of the groups a carved stone that's all magical (Joanna the superstitious Christian from the Amazon who was afraid of the Immunity Idol would have EXPLODED by now). Then men can get it by climbing up a pole greased in pig fat--the only way the girls can get it is if all of the guy's fail. Bubba tells us, "Ah don' believe that that stone is magic or nuthin' but ah still wanted to git it just so the girls wootent git it." Anyone who's spent any time on EBay knows where Bubba is coming from. I can't believe wanting to be called Bubba when you have a name as cool as Travis, by the way, or a wrestling handle like Romeo Bliss. None of the guys want to be the first to go and fall on their butts in front everyone, and Lea the Drill Sergeant (pronounced LEE as in Majors not LEE-uh as in Thompson) ducks the Chief's pointed finger so that dreamy FBI agent has to go first. "I didn't want to be the first to go so I was kinda freaked out." But Brady does NOT fall on his butt, he succeeds in getting the Magic Rock for then men. Cute, hot, and good at stuff--what more could you want? As soon as Brady touches the Magic Rock, it starts raining. To be specific, "It started raining lahk pouring pee out of a boot on a flat rock." I SWEAR, that's really what he said. Someone needs to tell Southerners that there are oodles of idioms out there that actually make sense. Or maybe the goal IS to obfuscate, like how French people put all sorts of letters in their names that you don't pronounce, just so you'll seem stupid when you do.

MEN VS. WOMEN...AGAIN

Jeff tells the Survivors that the tribes will be Men and Women, because that's how Chief Chauvinist wants it. The men are given red buffs and dubbed "Lopevi," and the women are given yellow buffs and called "Yasur." As in "Yes, sir!" Just like in the Amazon, I'm calling them the men and the women rather than mess with the tribe names. Chris is glad to be on an all-male tribe, "I can outsmart 8 men a hell of a lot easier than I can outsmart 8 women. Women stick together thick as thieves. Men I can manipulate!" Chris rules! Or wait...maybe this woman is just easy to manipulate through flattery. Twila (who sounds like Reba McEntire) isn't thrilled, "There are some real prissy girls on this tribe--they ain't never done nuthin' dirty in thar entar lahves. They aren't ready fer what's coming." The tribes are sent to their camps with no maps, and told they will find a pot, a machete and a map to water at camp and that's it. No food...interesting. No rice? No manioc? Mia huffs, "We got a bum deal at that ceremony, so we're out for blood now." I guess that was the plan--In the Amazon, lip service was given to the whole "mighty Amazon women" thing, so this is allegedly different because now they're in a male dominated society? Yeah, whatever. I mean, it'll be interesting to see the dynamics etc., I just am no more crazy about the men vs. women thing as I was the first time. Don't worry, I'll get over it. Probably.

The women head out in the dark and it isn't long before Scout slips and falls. She tells us that she is sporting an artificial knee but doesn't want to make that known. Which is odd, to me, because instead she sits down and claims to want to sit and visit with the gals, which leads mouthy Eliza to accuse her and her fellow sitters, Ami and Dolly, of wanting to "sit and sleep." The women are at an impasse because as Leann complains, "no one would make a decision." Eventually, Eliza and Twila's argument that keeping on the move will keep them warm overrules Scout's argument that it's too dark to see and too slippery to be safe. No one dies on the way to camp, so I guess Twila and Eliza were right. Then men have a similar incident, when Rory decrees, "Gentlemen, we need a game plan. There's 9 of us--there's gotta be a better way for us to find the camp without walking in a pack like a bunch of ladies." Well I never. Really, I don't know what Rory's getting at--it's an odd time to try and assert himself. Jeff told them to walk along the shore, so presumably the camp will be near the beach. Why split up? Boston Brook tells us, "He ain't gonna fit in--dere's one in every bunch." America gets *uncomfortable* The men agree to stay as a pack, leaving a disgruntled Rory to blame the failure of his idea on the "young guys who don't listen," instead of on the fact that his was a dumb idea--proven when minutes later they trip over their tribe flag.

SLACKER BOWHEADS

Morning in the girl's camp, and the older women are working on the shelter while the younger ones are bathing. Scout and Twila and Leann are the worker bees. Scout calls the others, "Bowheads. Theses sorority girls, they're jes' like cattle. They stick together and they're their own favorite topic." Meanwhile, Eliza is holding court with the others, "I try to be positive, like, usually, but I don't see how we can build a fire by rubbing two quasi-dry sticks together. I'm pre-law and I went to Sidwell Friends with Chelsea Clinton, so I use words like "quasi. Dude, are those guys still building the shelter?" Scout finds Eliza irritating, as does the segment of America not so distracted by Eliza's ample bosom they don't care what she says. Eliza huffs, "Twila's all into working and stuff and she like, never stops and it makes those of us who take reasonable breaks look bad!" Twila counters, "They mouths'r workin but they hands ain't. Last naht, they's all cold. Well, git off yer ass and git some sh** done or don' complain whehn yer freezin' yer butt off." Personally, I would just do what Twila says, especially when she's holding a machete.

At the boys camp, JP tries to impress everyone with his fire-making abilities, but comes up short. "Well, it worked at home when I tried it," he sniffs. I do give him props for practicing at home. Chris chuckles, "That dude wants to prove himself as all buff and bad, but he don't got a clue. He got the frame, but he got the brain." I don't even LIKE smug JP, but the guy is TRYING to build a fire, unlike...the whole rest of the tribe. JP gets a hot ember going, but no flame. Then Chad decides he's proven himself enough with his hard work to reveal to the rest of the guys that he has a fake leg, having had his food amputated due to cancer 20 months ago. John K, a cute-and-he-knows-it male model and "mechanical bull operator" says, "Whoa. When he unzipped his pants and showed us his" --relax, it's not that kind of show-- "leg, or lack thereof, I was FREAKED OUT." Brady sighs, "Great. Chad's nice, smart, strong--and he has no leg. We're all screwed." I hate to mention this, Brady, but he's also almost as hot as you are. Brook boasts, "Yeah, e's cool and all dat, but ah'll still vote 'is ass out tuhmarah if I have tuh." We will never know if that's really true...


IMMUNITY HAIKU

men rule 'til the beam
when they falter, women win
we've done this before

The women are all amped for the contest because they just have to prove that women are just as good as men and what better place to prove that then and obstacle course? The women are surprised to see Chad's prosthetic leg, which SO trumps Scout's artificial knee. The challenge is reward AND Immunity--they'll win some flint if they're first through the maze. All nine players have to crawl through the mud under a trestle-thing, then three players get a ball through a box-maze, then all nine have to go over a balance beam, then three have to build a fire and the first team to do that wins. The men are a little faster than the women on the mud crawl, mainly due to Scout. When she gets stuck, Jeff screams, "Drag Her! Just like in the Amazon, we need you women to win this first one or the show loses it's dramatic punch!" The women are out-foxed at the box maze, and appear doomed, but the men are undone by the balance beam--that is to say Chris fails utterly to get across, allowing the women to not only catch-up, but completely run away with the competition. Chris has a big body, but little chicken legs, and I think that was his undoing. The women chant, "Fire and Water and Immunity!" and some of them kind of point at the guys, which was pretty poor sportsmanship. It's not like these guys were responsible for how badly they were excluded at the Pig's Blood Rite of Passage. Anyway, If the men are jerks at the next one, remember who started it.

THE WEAKEST LINK IS NOT WHO YOU THINK

The men are all in the ocean washing off the mud and the loser-stink from the challenge. JP decrees, "We all underestimated the women," and Lea agrees. John K. doesn't, "We just lost." I tend to side with John K. because, it's not like they lost because they were arrogant or anything. They would probably have won had Chris just managed to get across the beam. Chris is so NOT worried about being voted out for this that he jokes, "Hey guys, one more thing about me you should know, I'm not really that good on a balance beam." I kinda like Chris, but I also kinda think that won't last. We'll see. The young bucks (Brook and the John, who we'll call JP and John K) want Chris out because he's proved himself to be "the weakest link." Brady is standing nearby, so Lea thinks he's in agreement, but Brady's actually leaning towards getting rid or Rory because, "He's on his own sheet of music most of the time." Lea doesn't think that Chris IS the weakest link, and wants the older guys to stick together. I don't mind that at all, except that at 33, Chris is one of the old guys. That hurts. Chris wants JP out, but Lea sides with me--JP is the only person trying to make fire. He thinks they should dump cocky Brook.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Fire represents life on the island, when your flame is gone, so are you. Lea lets Chris have it for failing the balance beam, "It was so easy. All he had to do was get his big tail across that beam and we'd've won over those females!" I think Chris was cool with Lea's critique because he wants the young guys to think Lea's with them, but I also think his feelings got hurt when Lea referred to his tail as big. I've seen enough movies about the military to know that Lea's job description as a drill sergeant is pretty much : "hurter of feelings," but don't worry Chris, he's only tearing you down so he can build you up. Or something. Chris tells Jeff he's not worried at all, "Hey, Rory got all weird and bossy the first night and did I come to any snap-judgments about him and about how HE had to go? No. Well, except about him being weird." Rory is genuinely surprised by this and insists, "I fit in fabulously well with the other men and I love my partners here. We are a team--no, correction. We are a family." Speaking of Survivor Amazon, Rory is giving me a Sir Matt vibe. Brady is bemused at how clueless Rory is, but in a very un-Jeff move, Jeff doesn't call Brady on his eye-rolling. Jeff, we expect better. Then Jeff tries to get them to rhapsodize about the females, and Travis/Bubba/Romeo states, "Ah nevuh underestimate a wohman. Jeff shakes his head, "No, that's not what I meant. In the Amazon's first Tribal Council, the guys had lost and they barely cared because all they could talk about was Heidi and Jenna and Shauna!" Brook shrugs, "Well, yeah, dey's a couple uh hotties but ah don' know any uh dere names becasue ya didn't tell us dem, Jeff." "Well...you know each other's names so...so write one of them down!," Jeff snaps. Brook, JP and John K vote for Chris, but he's aligned with Lea, Bubba, Rory and Chad and they get rid of Brook--much to my relief because I've had my fill of Boston with Chachi. Brady is the only person to vote for Rory--uh, Brady, who EXACTLY is on their own sheet of music? Don't be the odd man out, and don't make me replace you with Chad as my official Survivor boyfriend. At least not this early.

Brook joins Sonya, Deb, Diane, Peter, John, Ryan and Nicole (don't worry if you don't remember them--they're losers) as the dubiously distinguished first-people-voted-out of their season. I guess. I still tend to consider him in virgin territory--the first person ever to be voted out in Survivor preseason action. I mean, even the above-mentioned losers didn't finish in 18th place.

Tonight: Hard to say--JP or John K seem likely targets if the older guys maintain their alliance. For the women, I'd wager on mouthy Eliza or the seemingly timid Julie to go OR Scout...it just depends on which way the 30-somethings swing in terms of age groups or if someone does something catastrophically stupid. There's a couple people who annoy me so far, but no arch-villains ala Richard Hatch of Lillian the girl Boy Scout. Fear not, I'm sure I will be ranting about someone very soon, this being Survivor and all.

Peace!