Survivor 8.5 Ding Dong the Rich is Dead :D :D :D :D :D :D

Which old Rich? The Wicked Rich! Ding Dong the wicked Rich is dead! I remember back in 2000, when all this Survivor madness began, Jen telling me that one of the Sacramento radio stations had dubbed in "Richard the Turd." This time around, he never quite reached the state of Machiavellian manipulation that made him a star last time, but it's still great to be rid of him. But as usual, I'm waaaaay ahead of myself...

MOGO ROW THE BOAT ASHORE

A honking pile of bamboo is left at each team's mail box, demanding to be used to build a raft for the next reward challenge. The Shakira's arrive singing and holding hands (no, really!). Soo looks at the wood and tactfully barks, "Tahm, you're faaat, soh yuh should sih ow this one." At Yogi, Rupert is all for a high-concept catamaran, which makes Jerri nervous, "It sounds great in theory...but last time we let Rupert design something it sucked." Rupert is trying to look past the shelter fiasco, and is convinced that their raft will "fly." At Leggo my Eggo, Hatch suggests a more Bauhaus raft: who cares what it looks like, if they just tie all fore piles of bamboo together, the raft will never sink and that's really all that matters. The tribe is too weary to argue. Unlike Rupert, Hatch has no illisions about the raft's speed, "It will float, but it won't be swift." The cocky Shakira's are naturally convinced that theirs is the bestest boat that ever was. Alicia stride up to designated-restee Big Tom and tells him, "That raft is gonna win us the challenge!" Tom slurs, "Yup thehs uh nice rack--raft." Then he blathers to the rest of the tribe that their boat is "the best build thing since Alicia." Soo confides, "If ah could voht anyone oat it'd be Tahm. He's a stupid klutzy drunk an' ah don' care fer him an' his sexual innuendo ain't funny." Kinda impressed that Soo whipped out "innuendo," even though there's nothing remotely indirect about Tom's bawdy comments. Big Tom is anxious to christen the boat with a little dash of whisky, but Soo beats him too it when she pees on the boat first, prompting Tom to spit, "Kiss muh ass, whuhtta hayg!" Watching Big Tom and Stoopid Soo argue is kinda like an episode of "Cops." Despite Big Tom's pervy ways, I always have in the back of my mind that when he watched himself on "Survivor Africa," he was embarrassed that he couldn't spell and thus committed himself to being a better reader and set up a program in his town to encourage little kids to enjoy reading and spelling. It's pretty hard to hate him after that.

The tribes gather on Reward Beach, and the Yogi's and Eggo's are stunned to see that Smart Rob was voted out. Hatch is bummed--not only because Soo is still there, but because he had some time ago anointed Rob as the second coming of Hatch *massive eye roll*. Jeff casually informs the gang that they are playing for fish hooks, a spear (that shoots, not just the pointy sticks they've fashioned) the clues...oh and BY THE WAY, the last place tribe will be dissolved and absorbed into the other two tribes. There is much gasping. The rafts start off with two paddlers, who must pick up the other two from pontoons in the water, then pick up a flag, then race to shore. Despite his dire warning, Hatch's ugly but functional boat carries the day and the Eggo's to an easy victory, while the Yogi's stylish out-rigger is yet another disaster. Jeff is a little to eager to point this out, shouting several times from shore, "Yogi has the best looking boat, but it's the least-effective! Rupert fails yet AGAIN!" The Eggo's first-place finish means they'll get first pick of the loser Yogi's, and Colby and Kath want to choose Ethan so that they can vote out the athletic millionaire. Everyone applauds the now-extinct Yogi tribe as they fold into a goodbye group hug. The Eggo's pick Ethan, Shakira picks Rupert, the Eggo's pick Jerri and Jenna is last and defaults to Shakira. *insert montage of the many trials and failures of the doomed Yogi's here*

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

At the new Eggo tribe, Colby is quite pleased with himself, thank you very much, "We are now in control of dismantling the Yogi tribe. That's why we wanted Ethan--now we can dispose of that competitive son of a gun. We picked Jerri because we wanted someone who we figured hadn't bonded at all with Ethan and Jerri's a bitch so she's the natural choice. They are on the outside of our tribe looking in." But it's never QUITE that simple in Survivor, and that's how we like it :D Jerri and Ethan ooh and aah over the Eggo's Tree House: "Oh My God! You can actually, like, LIVE in it!?" Ethan is philosophical about the change, "I feel I've had to start over every day here--it's all been one big first day for me." Jerri for one is thrilled to longer be a loser Yogi, "I don't miss Yogi and Rupert's crazy ideas and Jenna's insessant nattering--not even a little bit. And even though that sounds vaguely bitchy, it's also kinda understandable considering all that's happened and so you STILL can't write me as evil Christine and you know it! You hate me but you know it! Bwah ha ha ha hah!!" Grrrr! >:I The next day it is Jerri who gets a little new tribe love when she finds the key to the rice box. Sadly, the Eggo's didn't keep it dry enough (which is odd considering they have a TREE HOUSE) and half their rice is rotted away. Colby reminds us, "I've run out of rice once before, and the consequences are NOT good. I had to give up my Texas flag!" Hatch won't fish until low-tide, so Ethan asks permission to go at high tide. Hatch can't help but praise savvy Ethan, "He's always playing the game, trying not to step on my toes, 'Oh, I'll go fishing when you AREN'T," Oh he's goooood." Ethan catches his first fish, which prompts a jealous Hatch to go out and catch several giant fish. Kath giggles, "Hey, if the guys wanna fight about how many fish they bring in? ROCK ON!" Everyone heaps praise onto a playing-it-cool hatch, while Ethan shakes his head in Charlie Brown "I got a rock" disbelief. Welcome to the world the rest of us live in, fair Ethan.

At Shakira, Poor Jenna whines, "This sucks because I was calling all the shots at Yogi--I had complete control over who got voted out." News to us. Rupert and Poor Jenna ooh and aah over the House that Chachi Built, "Oh My God! You can actually LIVE in it!?" Or was Rupert very humorously comments, "Our camp was Hobo Junction and there's is the Taj Mahal." We aren't shown any Shakiran plotting to oust the newbies, just Alicia's confident, "We're gonna take the green team DOWN!"

IMMUNITY LIMERICK, OR WHY DOESN'T RICHARD GO BY "DICK"?

There once was a big creep named Rich
in clothes terms he preferred not a stitch
but in picking on Sue
He went well beyond "eww"
I'm with her even though she's a bitch

The tribe learns that the next Immunity Challenge will involve wrestling matches and the guys get all testosteroney. Hatch predicts, "I think we will win and if we don't? Who cares? There's a LOT of people to get rid of." Hee hee hee. Indeed. Colby reminds us that now that there's only two teams, second place is no good. I'm glad you're here to tell us these things, Colby. Actually, even though he's veering into "Colbster" territory (his self-appointed nickname in Australia....yeah.) he's just so darned cute I don't even mind him telling me the obvious. What's that Colby? The sky is BLUE you say? Super!

So, the game involves traversing a series of balance beams, picking up some flags (flags, flags it's always FLAGS), bringing them back, first one to 20 wins. You really can time it so that you never engage anyone in the Kill Zone, where you have to wrestle over a vat of water and the first one to hit the water loses. Chachi is of course the first one to force the issue, planting himself at the battle bridge rather than speeding though the course, just so he can take on Ethan. He loses, but Ethan bonks his head on the side of the pool and America gasps in horror <:o but he's Okay and his beautiful face is still intact. Whew! :p Hatch defeats Poor Jenna, but falls later on the course and then decides it's time to go naked again. Chachi speaks for the nation when he groans, "Aw, come ON." Big Tom and Amber both perform amazing feats of balancing. Then cantankerous Soo decides she wants to fight it out with Hatch so rather than come back with the flag, she plants herself in his path--but she doesn't do it at the right place, she's not on the Battle Bridge. So Hatch scoots past her and as he does, he rubs his naked penis against her and leers, "Want some?" Jeff chastises both players, "Break it up--nobody's interested in that stuff," and the game goes on as though nothing all that bad had happened. Apparently Soo's gonna let Jeff have it over this in the next episode and good, because what Hatch did was not only disgusting, it was actually criminal. It actually was some form of sexual assault--I don't know the legal definitions but what he did is certainly actionable in the real world (and goodness knows, people have been kicked off the REAL WORLD for doing far less). Some of you guys may think I'm over reacting, but imagine if your wife or girlfriend or sister was at the grocery store and some guy walked up and did this to them. I think most of you would not only be unamused, you'd be violently angry and looking to stomp the creep. I realize that there are different rules in sports than in the world (even most football KICKERS would be guilty of assault otherwise) but while no one's ever smacked anyone on Survivor, I'd wager it's grounds for getting the boot (Jonny Not Funny implied this last season when he spoke of TRYING to get Shawn to deck him). Why should this be different?

I guess what drives me nuts about this is that for some reason, Hatch gets a free pass on all his bad behavior because he's some kind of Reality Icon. We're supposed to believe he's just a funny naked fat guy even when he TELLS us that he truly doesn't give a crap about anybody but himself. We're not supposed to believe that he emotionally abuses his son (though forcing a 12 year-old to run for miles because he's "overweight" doesn't sound healthy to me), were not supposed to be alarmed that he assaulted his boyfriend ( didn't he throw him down a flight of stairs or something?)--boys will be boys. Well, domestic violence is domestic violence, I say. And we're supposed to think it's funny when he takes his clothes off, and we're supposed to think that everyone else is uptight to be bothered by it. But he's not a "wacky nudist." He doesn't take his clothes off to be comfortable, he does it to be threatening. Every thing about the guy SCREAMS "I have an anti-social personality disorder! Screw you!" Making someone touch your naked sex organ when you don't want to touch them is REALLY WRONG. And I think that Jeff and Burnett don't see this because Hatch is gay and in their homophobic minds, a gay man's penis is NOT potent therefore it can NOT be threatening...and, since he's, you know, queer...well, that means that when Hatch rubs it against a WOMAN, it's not sexual, therefore...it's not inappropriate. It makes no sense, but how else do you explain Jeff and the producer's inaction? If Chachi took off HIS shorts in the middle of this challenge, and then went on to rub HIS penis against, say, Jerri or hell, HATCH himself while he made a lewd come-on, he would be GONE and this would be all over the news--like that guy who got kicked off Big Brother for drunkenly threatening to stab somebody. But it's just Hatch being Hatch so "no foul, play on". Gag me. Okay, enough amateur psychology and ranting :) Shakira goes on to kick the Eggo's asses. Chachi takes on Colby and wins (Jeff calls it "East Coast versus West Coast" even though Massachusetts and Texas both have East coasts). Chachi is so good at the game that the Shakira's then all intentionally jump of the course so he can take their last turn. Kath gives a valiant effort in trying to knock him into the drink, but Chachi is victorious and Shakira wins immunity.

MAKE NEW FRIENDS, SCREW OVER THE OLD

A triumphant Shakira exults in their win--especially because Hatch was crying foul over their strategic decision to jump off the course to give Chachi the final turn. Everyone agrees that what Richard did to Soo was disgusting. Chachi boasts about his athletic prowess, "Ah may not be as strong as evahbudy, but ahm tuffuh den all uh dem. Colby? He's not as tough as ya tink, ladies." Yeah, whatever Chachi, but it turns out that not all of us ladies are in the market for a vainglorious meathead Red Sox fan, go figure.

No one's talking about Rich's distasteful display at Leggo my Eggo. Colby and Ethan bond over their mutual dislike of "excuses" and their manly acceptance of defeat! Argh! Colby bemusedly tells us, "In this game, the more you think, the more you strategize, the more your gut will tell you something different then what you already decide to do." Sadly, we don't get to hear Lex discuss what his "All-Powerful Gut" is telling HIM these days. Just like I KNOW Jerri is evil, I KNOW Lex is crazy...deep in MY GUT, I know it! Colby tells Ethan that HE wants to eliminate "snake in the grass" Richard, "He's a cancer, and if we give him time he will fester and spread." Ethan blurts, "Don't we need his strength to win these competitions?" Shhh, Ethan, your butt's being saved here, don't fight it! Ethan IS very cleverly playing Colby the way he did Lex AND Big Tom in Africa--more than happy to be the Executive Officer to Colby's Captain America, more than happy to let him believe he's calling all the shots. Colby snorts, "No, we can do it without him...he thinks we're dropping you tonight so...we'll just go on letting him think that." Ethan is wisely worried that Colby may just be playing him. Then both men agree not to fight over me, and that I will ultimately be the one to decide between them....

Colby and Ethan and Lex tell Jerri to vote out Hatch but to tell Hatch she's voting out Ethan. Jerri agrees but she's not happy about it, "It makes no sense for me to team up with these strong guys who'll kick my ass in any challenge!" Colby lies right to Hatch's face, telling him that Ethan is too much of a physical threat to keep around, plus with Ethan gone, Colby will be the undisputed prettiest! Hatch sounds kind of pathetic and desperate when he frets, "Well, I gotta believe you!" Later, Lex tells Kath and Shii Ann that the vote has turned from Ethan to Lex. Both women wonder why and I yelled, "Because Ethan didn't sexually molest anyone during the Immunity Challenge!" but they didn't hear me. They tell Lex they're onboard, but are both of the opinion that this is a terrible mistake--especially for them as it leaves three physically strong men in the tribe whom they feel they can't beat once it gets down to individual immunity (just ask Burton if that's true). They talk with Jerri, who doesn't want to trust Colby ever again, "I don't wanna fall prey to the same person who screwed me over in Australia," she growls. Well, now that you aren't trying to seduce him, maybe you won't fall under his spell, Jerri. Kath confers with bitter Jerri, and confesses that she's not happy about Colby's unilateral decision to keep Ethan and dumb Hatch. Jerri then goes to Rich and tells him about the plot to oust him, though she doesn't name names. Hatch doesn't need her too--he knows it's the men who are threatened by him, not the girls, so he and Jerri try to drum up support for their campaign to oust Colby. Rich preens for his beloved camera, "How DARE you plot against me? You have to go bye-bye," he grins. I won't miss Richard Hatch--not even a little bit.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff has to go over the whole "Fire represents Life" thing because the Eggo's haven't been to Tribal Council yet. Ethan tells Jeff he was both happy and nervous about being picked, "You were at my first Tribal Council--you know my back was up against the wall there too." Again, Ethan is masterfully painting himself in the role of underdog, despite the clear and present danger he represents to anyone else's shot at winning. Colby ruffles some feathers when he explains, "The game is different this time around--everyone here knows how to play. You can't coast...but Jeff, some people ARE coasting." Whatever THAT means. I concur with Shii Ann's 'Who do you think you are, Colbster" eye roll here. Kath laments the lack of true loyalty in this game, as opposed to the really friendships that were forged in the Marquesas--which is pretty remarkable to hear her say considering that she was screwed over several times. I heart Kath...

POLL TIME

Hey, instead of a quiz, I'd just like to know who you're really pulling for. So pick one--and only one person--who you'd pick to win it all. My vote is for KrAzY KaThy.

Colby declares that the person leaving tonight is getting duped and doesn't see it coming. If this were last season, Colby would SO be voted out because that was just the way of the Pearl Islands. He melodramatically talks of "cutting out the cancer" again, and we all hope that unlike Kath, he would have picked another metaphor had Rich Jenna still been around. Kath says she's gunning to get the power players out of the game. When Jeff asks her if she's surprised at who she's voting for, she responds sadly, "yeah." Hatch casts his vote for Colby, claiming he woulda coulda shoulda trusted him, while Colby votes for Hatch and says he ALMOST trusted Hatch, but in the words of Brandy, "almost doesn't count." Hatch is ousted in a 6-1 vote, and he pretends to be tickled by the whole thing, and happy to be getting to eat good food, but you know it kills him to lose and it's especially sweet to see that he was so surprised >:D

Tonight is baffling to me. At Shakira, I fear Alicia is still on the block, or MAYBE Rupert? I think Jenna will benefit from Chachi's perception of himself as catnip to women, but SHOULD Shakira stick to it's tribal lines, I dunno whether they eliminate her weakness over Rupert's strength--they were doing just fine without it, after all. Personally, I'd like to see Soo gone ( I'll never be able to get passed her lacerating Kelly in her infamous and misguided speech in Season One's finale), but I think Chachi finds her useful. I think Big Tom is a dangerous sleeper here, and has a really good shot at winning all the marbles because no one sees him as a threat. If the Eggo's go back, I think Colby's toast. The women are now in a lather about Colby dictating the vote, making it the PERFECT time for Ethan to side with the ladies and eliminate his biggest threat for my affections--oh yeah, and his greatest physical competition ;) Time will tell....


"For me, maintaining some kind of thumb on all these different personalities, that I care very little about, is exhausting."

Richard Hatch, 2000

Peace Out! Christine :D