Survivor 8.6 Survivor All-Creeps

Wow. I think many of us may have to forget this one ever happened if we want to root for out faves--what a bunch of emotionally stunted jerks. Let's get through this, shall we?

WHAT INCIDENT? I DON'T REMEMBER AN INCIDENT...

We start with the depressed and clueless Eggos lamenting last night's ouster of Richard Hatch. The Eggos don't seem to be aware of what happened to Sue on the course--which is confirmed later. Jerri explains how Hatch was trying to save himself up to the last minute and that Kath told her to vote him out right before they left for Tribal Council. Kath, Shii Ann and Jerri bathe and discuss the vote. Kath tells them that she's still peeved at Colby's making a unilateral decision rather than discussing it with her in committee. Jerri grossly exaggerates, "He's now the Richard Hatch of the tribe!!" Oh Jerri, we know you want him gone, but that dog won't hunt. Kath scoffs at the idea of Colby trying to sway her with an argument about loyalty after he engineered Hatch's demise despite the original Eggo alliance. Kath marvels, "I saved Colby's ass," and Shii Ann nods, "You're so powerful right now." And boy does Kath know it. She is very aware that Jerri and Shii Ann followed HER lead on the Hatch/Colby vote. She explains to us that she decided to side with Colby because of Lex--she knew that if she had to come back to camp having ousted Colby without consulting Lex, he would have perceived it as a betrayal and he'd have gone nuts. Smart move on Kath's part--I always bitch about how these people clearly don't pay attention to past episodes of the show, but Kath remembers how T-Bird's one little throwaway vote in Africa sent Lex into a paranoid state that lasted the rest of the game. Shii Ann tells us, "Kath is the biggest power-player in the game--if no one is noticing that, than she is one good player. Of course I noticed it because I'm Asian, so I notice EVERYTHING." Survivor is a game of shifting power however. Just because Kath had all kinds of power in this vote doesn't necessarily mean she will in the next.

At Shakira, Rupert is marveling over his magnificent fishing spear--ah, old lovers reunited. Big Tom barbles, "Rupe en Jenna thay puh theh presh on me tail yeh theh troith ah lahk ol' Rupe he's kiyna lahk may--easy gone nuthin; don' bother 'im. Hay cud easily tayk mah plaice." Of course Tom likes Rupert--he's a MAN. Tom likes men, and he likes looking at women. Rupert is all fired up about becoming the provider, since no one at SHakira can fish. I've said it MANY times before, but I must say it again: what the hell else is there to do on a deserted isalnd BUT learn to fish if you're starving? I don't even like fish but I'd be out there with the spear, trying to jab things with it. The only providing going on is by Soo, who we see scraping snails off of rocks while Chachi lays around nearby and Rupert dives for fish. Hr frets, "Soo's playing her own game, providing those snails which I think most everybody DOES eat." The advantage of being in the provider role is completely lost of Stoppid Soo who complains, "Ever'one eats these noh which pisses me aaahf cuz I dohn' eat their rice!" Big Tom and Chachi laze about and mock Rupert's efforts to get them food. Chachi giggles, "Grizzly Adams out dair tryin' tuh pretend he's a big man. He only caught one little fish duh whole time 'e's been 'ere. He has a work ethic--ain't dat hilarious?" Then he does his whole godfathuh routine YET again, about how Rupert will remain until Chachi wishes it otherwise. Behold the power of the Knucklehead.

GOOD KING COLBY

Shii Ann didn't miss Colby's comments at Tribal Council about people "coasting" and how they weren't gonna get away with it. She confronts him in a very non-combative way and gets an earful from the power tripping cowboy, who tells her, "It's very easy to sit here in the tent before Tribal Council and wait for me to tell you how to vote. I didn't respect that style of play last time and since I was a second-place finisher, I obviously know what I'm talking about, Shii-Ann. I do national commercials--I was on "Curb Your Enthusiasm", okay? My Q ratings are through the ROOF, whereas people were probably asking each other, who the hell is Shii Ann, okay? Last night I, the Colbster, was on the chopping block because I was noble enough to take on the leadership role and I was the one to lie to Hatch's face and I was the one who became the "bad guy." Someone like YOU doesn't ever have to lie because you don't make a decision !" Then he pontificates for the camera, "It's easy for the inferior players to sit in the tent and wait for the Team Captain--that's me--to tell you who to vote for. That's an easy game to play but that's not how I play. I'm an Alpha Male, dagnabit! I'm an athlete and a competitor and a leader and a spokesmodel! I have no respect for anyone who doesn't play the exact same game I do." Colby, I love ya, but you're being a pompous ass and it IS going to cost you the game. There are many ways to play and win the game of Survivor and they're all perfectly valid (so long as you don't assault anyone). Shii Ann tunes out Colby as he drones on about how everyone has to play and that it takes more than just writing a name on a piece of parchment--there's more to it than that. Shii Ann labels him "Captain America," but only behind his back. She's too smart to let him know how irritated she is by his condescending lecture. What's especially galling about Colby's attitude is Shii Ann voted to SAVE IS ASS the previous night (which Colby must have SOME awareness of since he just lamented how he had been on the chopping block)! He's criticizing her for voting the way he wanted her too. Very short-sighted, our Colby. The girls all resent him and the guys are all threatened by his physical ability. Good luck, partner.

SHAKY SHAKIRA

At Shakira, Rupert is now gushing about how great it would be if they could merge at 7-4 or 7-5 and just eat up the Eggo's and just be happy happy Shakira until the bitter end. Rupert REALLY overly invests in these silly Tribal Families, don't he? The Old Shakirans are bemused by his enthusiasm, since they aren't quite sure what to do with him. "We're just sitting back trying to see if Rupert and Jenna fit in with us," explains Alicia, who like Colby is too busy being a "leader" to realize SHE'S the one her tribe is looking to boot. The Shakiran's wonder who was ousted last night and a hopeful but game-dumb Rupert says, "I think it's Jerri." Big Tom hopes it's Hatch and Alicia seconds that emotion. Eager to please Rupert then echoes, "Oh, yeah, that's be my first priority too!" Soo hopes that regardless of the vote, "they" talk to him about "what he did," which is the first mention in the episode about the sexual assault. She goes on to say she thinks all the millionaires should be ousted first and that if the Eggo's punted Hatch, she'll give them all hugs. She's all business as usual...

The next day, Sue is clearly not herself. She's quiet (!!!!) and off by herself. She sighs, 'The nights here are really long, like 12 hours long. I kept flashing back, I could feel him naked," she starts to cry, "I started tuh feel real bad. Why'd he have to touch me!? He didn't touch nobody else! Why didn't he just walk by me?" All good questions. Another GREAT question is why isn't Jeff sent over the island RIGHT NOW to talk to Sue? Instead, Mark Burnett and TPTB decide to just keep the cameras rolling. Remember, this isn't some "he said, she said" scenario--they HAVE the tape and I'm sure they'd watched it dozens of times. They know that Hatch intentionally rubbed against her while he was naked and that he made a lewd comment as he did so. There's no gray area here. In truth, they should have long ago insisted that Hatch wear pants during the challenges (he wasn't naked NEARLY as much in the first season as he was this time) but when you see all the mileage they milk out of "that wacky naked guy" or "those crazy girls stripping for peanut butter and chocolate" you see how they let it get out of control. Something like this was inevitable and I think that while we may not hear about it, subsequent Survivors will be given a stricter code of conduct to adhere to.

ANYWAY, Amber asks Alicia whassup with Sue and Alicia explains, "I think the more she thinks about it, the more she's upset by it. Today she was like, "My husband's gonna find out about this...this is not a good scenario fuh her." Amber frowns, "She probably wants to be alone right now...right? PLEASE tell me she wants to be alone." Alicia sighs and goes to talk to her teammate. She tells us, "Sue was not herself. She didn't realize how much she was affected by what happened to her." Bless her heart, she's the only one who really bothers to talk to Sue about what she's feeling. When Soo frets about what the tribe thinks, Alicia soothes "It's affecting us because it's affecting you but we're more worried about you." Yeah. Right. A shamed Sue sobs, "I've had one partner in 20 years and I never thought aboat kissin' nobody else!" Alicia counsels, "This is not your fault. Just get it all out." Later, Alicia complains that she was inadequate to the task of helping Sue, but you know what? She tried and that's more than anyone else can say. Bastards. Alicia then to explain Soo's feelings to Chachi and Amber, Chachi responds, "Dis is anothuh uh dem sitooations: is she f---in' around tryin' to get some money or is she really hurtin? It's too serious a situation not to give uh duh benefit uh duh doubt." Which will last all of a few hours. He can't decide if she's really hurt or is she's looking to "cash in on a huge payday." Hey, how about both? Amber lamely speculates, "I think the more time she's had to think about it, the worse it seems because there's like, nothing to do out here? If this happened anywhere except Survivor, and she could like, watch TV afterwards? I bet it totally wouldn't be as big a deal." REALLY? I think it would be a much bigger deal if it happened at the church picnic or the office barbeque, actually. For one, Hatch would have been in violation of the law the second he took his pants off in public. A (male) security guard at a Marilyn Manson concert very recently settled with the singer over a very similar assault. Oh, and I'll bet if this had happened to YOU, Princess Amber, you'd be a puddle of rage right now and everyone would be on your side. Gah! >:I I don't like Sue either and I don't miss her but that is not the issue!

IT GETS WORSE

Then we see Rupert asking Soo if she's okay and we all get happy because Rupert counsels kids in trouble, so he must have some empathy at least...but no. Rupert blames the victim, "She could have handled it differently, she could have cried "foul" at the time. Instead she just dais, "Oh that's gross." Then she thinks about it, processes it and comes up with her own agenda." Whatever, Rupert. People have delayed reactions to traumatic events. It doesn't invalidate them. Hasn't this happened to eneryone? Someone says something or does something and it's only hours or days or sometimes even YEARS later that we realize, "Hey...that was really hurtful." Or we laugh something off because we don't want to look weak but after we think about we wish we'd stood up for ourselves? Crimes that don't go reported are still crimes, right? Right.

Then we get piggy Tom (who has expended all the "teaching kids to read" good will I gave him last week) saying something like, "If'n et wes up tuh ol jemp cat ah say putta fark inner she's done." THIS HAPPENED, TOM. It doesn't matter whether you like her or not, it really, really, actually happened. It's on tape. And I hope that when something similar happens to one of the women in your life (because the odds are very good that it will, I'm afraid) they are treated with compassion and respect by SOMEBODY. Which is possible since, as you said when you were criticizing Jenna for flying back to her dying mother, not everyone is like Big Tom. THANK GOD. And let's not forget that this is a game with a million dollar purse at stake and Sue's ability to play the game at HER highest level was interfered with by a player acting out-of-bounds which does affect her chances of winning, damn it. I hope she got AT LEAST a million bucks from CBS--it's chump change. The show is very cheap to produce (no credited writers, an entire cast that makes less during the entire run of the season than Ray Ramano makes after two episodes of his show) and makes boatloads of money in advertising. Also--we live in a litigious society. When something bad happens to people we know, we say 'You should sue, dude." It's almost an expression of affection in our culture. The fact that someone is looking to get paid doesn't negate what happened to them. In Sue's case, I think it's very clear that she was violated by a contestant whom the Producers failed to control (if anything they encouraged his bad behavior) and that they woefully mishandled the situation. Cha. Ching.

OH YEAH, THE OTHER TRIBE

Jerri doesn't become evil, but she DOES return to Australia form, torturing her tribe with talk of unattainable food items as she prepares an imaginary grocery list (this was an actual pastime in the Outback, if you recall). Lex hangs on her every word as she flirts and talks of chocolate while Shii Ann and Kath lay nearby communicate their Jerri-hate through sign language. In the Outback, Jerri and Colby and Amber would do this for hours and Jerri INSISTED that when people talk about food, they're really talking about sex, which still seems silly to me since they actually WERE starving for food at the time. At least Jerri doesn't sing any Fiona Apple songs. Shii Ann laments the loss of Richard Hatch, the Mighty Hunter--but it turns out, she's not the only one who's been flying under the radar. Lex and Ethan go out fishing and it turns out that Lex is a fisherman as well. He shrugs, "Hey, man, I didn't fish while Hatch was here cuz like, I didn't want it to be like, a competitive thing man. Too much bad energy, man. Plus it's always good to play things close to the vest when you're playing the Game, man. Survivor. Dig it." Ethan lets his old Africa-Alliance pal do all the work and when they return to camp, Lex makes a big show of laying out the fish one by one while everyone ooohs and aaaahs--hey, that's not playing it "close to the vest," you big dork. Colby is impressed, "Lex is a competitor--this is not his first rodeo, as we say in Texas. Which is where I'm from in case you forgot. Texas. Anyway, I'm like, "Wow, I'm competing against Lex." Yes, Colby, and by the way, you're also competing against Shii Ann and Kath and Jerri, even though you don't take them very seriously. Then Lex tells us, "I think I have the favor of the girls right now, and if I can feed them there's no reason for them to keep the others around." Yup, Colby's doomed. Later, Jerri and Lex pledge their loyalty to one another over tree mail. Jerri out-Morgan's Morgan when she hyperboles "I'm 150 THOUSAND percent behind you. I adore you! You were so crazy in Africa that Christine came to hate you more than she ever did me and she swore that was impossible!" Lex muses, "I think Jerri was being genuine when she was gushing about how great I am--I mean, I'm Lex! I'm so freaking cool, what's not to love? But make no mistake, I'll do whatever I have to in order to win--as I say every episode, it's BUSINESS this time." I like how all the losers are acting like maybe they were just having "too much fun" to win their first time around. Hey, you know what? You Lost. It was business last time too and Hatch, Tina, Ethan, Vecepia, Porn Star Brian, Rich Jenna and Sandra beat your butts fair and square.

SHAKIRA STUFF SANS SUE

Chachi and his First Lady Amber have decided to rope Poor Jenna and Rupert into a contingency alliance, just to prevent them from siding with anyone else. Amber gleefully explains, "We've convinced then that we're on the outs, which is like SOOOO funny since we're like, controlling everything? But anyways, we're gonna tell them that we need them to survive even tough we TOTALLY don't. Jenna is more than eager to sign on, "I want to be with you guys at the end anyway because you're young and dump and pretty like me!" Chachi says of Rupert, "Rupaht's got dis squeaky clean image an' attitude...dere's somethin' about him ah just don' trust. So I formed an alliance wit' him," he grins, so proud of his wickedness, the little bastard. Rupert is hesitant to trust but desperate to belong, so he signs on. He tells us, "Well, I couldn't trust ANYONE in the beginning...but after a whole 16 days I KNOW I can trust Jenna and I hope I can trust Amber and Boston Rob--because apparently I've learned nothing from trusting Jonny Fairplay or indeed from watching Survivor:Marquesas, where Rob lied to everyone and bragged about it. Nope, not me." Then Chachi has the audacity to extol the virtues of LOYALTY, "If we stick togethuh an' nobody gets greedy, we can go all the way tuh the Final Four and den it's every man fer himself." Chachi tells us that he has now formed an alliance with everyone in the tribe except Soo and Alicia and that maybe he'll continue on with Rupert and Jenna or maybe they'll just be the sacrificial lambs they feared they might be when they first got here, "I have tuh see what's goin' on. It's my game, buddy," he cackles. Hold me! I'm scared! <:0

REWARD MELTDOWN

The Shakiran's are rhapsodizing about what they might get in the reward challenge. Rupert is lusting for seasons and a grill while lushy lightweight Amber wants more booze. Chachi opines, "As good as duh rice is, it's terrible. Weah stahvin' ovuh 'ere." Sue refuses to eat and everyone's worried...about themselves. Big Tom things she should "suck it up" while Rupert criticizes her for pursuing her own agenda instead of that of his precious tribe (all of whom are plotting against him, except MAYBE Poor Jenna. Maybe. Alicia continues to be the goodwill ambassador for Shakira, insisting, "We support her 100%...but we're worried." Okay Alicia, I'd like to believe you but trust me, that ain't no 100%.

The two tribes show up for the Reward Challenge and Shakira sees that Richard hatch is gone. Rupert smiles and Amber purrs, "Good move." Then Jeff decides to bring up the little matter of the little no-big-deal-right? incident that had happened at the last challenge, saying breezily, "Before we get to today's challenge I want to address something that happened yesterday...Sue, Richard Hatch sorta being inappropriate?" Oh, Jeff. If you're gonna bring it up at all, why with the "sorta"? The Eggos are perplexed, having no idea (apparently) what Sue is even talking about as Sue laces into Jeff, "I was sexually violated, Jeff! He crossed a line, Jeff! I was humiliated and dehumanized and I am done with the f---ing game, Jeff!" Despite his earlier glibness, Jeff now seems very contrite and genuinely concerned about Sue, though I'm baffled because we know they watch tape. He not only saw the incident, he probably saw some of her crying etc--he would at least know about it, right? I mean he knew enough to bring it up...or is that just from watching tape of the actual challenge? Anyway, Jeff tries to facilitate a discussion and asks the agog Eggo's if they saw what happened and they are all very adamant in their denial. Colby though says that he saw it and tries to offer sympathy by way of acknowledging how horrible it is to live with a guy who's aggressively naked all the time but Soo shuts him down--he TOUCHED her, that's the point here. Jeff wonders if she can get passed it now that Rich is gone (no thanks to CBS and Burnett). Sue says no, she's spent, and Jeff immediately calls to have a boat brought in to fetch her. Mercifully, he doesn't ask her if she can make it to Tribal Council like he did with Jenna. Shii Ann reaches out to Sue and tells her how sorry she feels over the whole thing. The women of Shakira give Sue a big hug while the men pout. Jeff gives her a hug as he escorts her to the boat. "Boy, is that discouraging," Kath mutters.

BIG DENIAL REWARD CHALLENGE

When Jeff returns to the Very Awkward Scene at the Beach, he asks the gang to decide whether they should either just split the reward and have a good old fashioned 1970's "rap session" about their feelings, or whether they should just play on like nothing happened. Kath says, "Feelings are bad, let's just play," and frowns bitterly and when Poor Jenna disagrees, "I think we should split the reward and try to heal the bad feelings between our two tribes." The Eggo's are insistent, "We need to have some NORMALCY, God Damn It! We're gonna have FUN right now if it kills us! Rah!" The bullied Shakirians dejectedly agree and so the game goes on. The game involves jumping on a plank to get food items in a basket. Winner gets sugar, pineapples, coffee, oranges, nuts, beef, filet mignon shish kabobs, a grill and some utensils. It's a relay style race, so no team can move on until each person succeeds in getting their item in the basket. Poor Jenna sucks and single-handedly loses for Shakira. Maybe her desire NOT to play the game was based on a psychic premonition? At any rate, The Eggos jump up and down and celebrate while the demoralized Shakirans absorb the fact that they've effectively just lost both a Reward and an Immunity Challenge. America is still too uncomfortable to give a damn one way or the other :I That challenge was not fun.

FOOD RULES! FEELINGS SUCK!

The Eggos all delight in the glory of BEEF--it's what's for dinner! Even vegetarian Ethan takes part, drooling, "I wanted to rub my face it, I wanted to sleep next to it!" Hmmm. Okay, maybe they ARE talking about sex when they're talking about food. Someone wonders if they should've just split the prize. Lex insists, "No, they wanted to play." I actually do think it would be odd for Shakira to hold any ill will toward the Eggos considering they ousted Hatch even without knowing what he'd done to Sue. Everyone's glad that they voted him out or the Very Awkward Scene would have been yet even more uncomfortable than it was. Kath insists, "Richard would have been mortified--he DOES have a soul." *crickets chirping* *crickets chirping* *lone wolf howling* Shii Ann tells us, "I KNOW Richard Hatch--he wouldn't go and purposefully sexually violate someone." Okay, well, you don't know him because that's what he did. Though in fairness to the Eggos this IS a He Said, She Said for most of them, and they KNOW Hatch and they don't know Sue. So I'll cut them a little slack since they haven't seen what happened yet. Shii Ann does feel compassion for Sue's humiliation, which is more than can be said for those on her own team. Then we go to Krazy Kath, who I must now, reluctantly, dub Kold Kath, who says with Martha Stewart calm, "That was hard for us to hear. I don't like her for it, I'm sorry. [which is one of those "I'm not sorry at all" sorry's] I know she went through a lot. Still. You have to learn how to control your emotions. That's what mother and father always said: Kathy, don't cry out loud. Keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings...oh wait, that's a Melissa Manchester song. Still. I'm a big fan of suppression and sublimation. And to bring us that far into her core of hatred...I didn't like it, just like I don't like strong feeling of any kind, really. We frown on those in New England. That may be mean-spirited, but that's how I feel." So...are we caring about other people's feelings or not? I realize that the Eggo's were blindsided at the Challenge--they had NO IDEA what was about to happen. I also know that many people are uncomfortable with emotional outbursts--heck, I even know that I'm one of them! But there's a way to express that without being ANGRY at Sue for being a wreck. Hey Kath--while you're controlling your emotions, you might want to work on your mouth.

ONE LAST BURST OF SHAKIRAN SCUMDOM

Sue's gone and Rupert blames her departure on her greed--because this is all about HIM and his pathetic devotion to his LATEST tribe. He claims Soo told him she was looking to sue Hatch for 10 million dollars (good). What's dumb about they're anger is every single one of them got a gift just a few days earlier when Jenna left the Eggo's one man down so in a way, this is like the game correcting itself. Chachi tries to rally the troops and insists they can still go in six strong and kick-ass until the end, so they all pledge their loyalty to one another--Yeah, sure. The next day, Rupert returns with tree mail informing them that there's no Immunity Challenge and the tribe has a tongue-in-cheek moment of silence for the departed Sue. Then Chachi sings a dreadful version of "Ding, Dong, The Witch is Dead" from the Wizard of Oz while Big Tom does one of his redneck jigs, taunting Sue all the while. The once picked-on fat kid, Rupert, is just so happy to be in with "cool kids" Chachi and Tom (what a scary universe Survivor is) that he laughs and giggles right along with them. Alicia is the only one who's disturbed by all this, saying, "It was pretty crummy. We lost a member, a strong member--Sue was like a GUY. She was hardcore in the challenges and like her or not, she'll be missed." Meanwhile, Amber sparkles, "We are the happy tribe! Leave it to us to take something as seriously as a sex-crime and turn it into something funny! Man, the fun we would have had with Jenna's Mom's cancer! We're the tribe that "Keeps it Together!" I'd put that on shirts if I had a steam-iron here and some iron-ons. At Shakira, yeah, we have lows. But we focus on the highs." Kath would be so proud. Then the girls whip up some vittles and Chachi grins and toasts, "Rice--dis is wot Survivuh's all about!" Rice, and being a total bastard. And that's how it ends--Sue gets no send of at the end--I guess you could count Alicia's extolling her manly virtues if you wanted to. Sigh. I was just glad when this hour was over :(

POLLS ARE STILL OPEN...

Hey, you can still vote for who you're pulling for to win it all--pretty please? You can also change your answer if you were especially turned off by your previous pick (shame you can't do that in all elections). I'm switching from Kold Kath to Alicia, even though I think Alicia's doomed. Thanks to those who have already answered the question.

CRAP!

I forgot to pimp my birthday in my last review--I have always pimped my birthday in my reviews, going back to my X-Files recapping days! Well, it was my 33rd birthday on Monday the 8th--YAY ME! :D You know what's the perfect thing to give me? An answer to the poll question...you know you want to.

Tonight, unless everything changes (which it might), I think either Colby or Alicia is going home, with a possibility of Ethan or Jenna. I hope they don't let ousted players back in the game, but I'd love another tribe switch-a-roo, if only to unseat Chachi form his throne of smugness :)

"But if I should ever pass you along in life again, and you were laying there, dying of thirst, I would not give you a drink of water. I would let the vultures take you and do whatever they want with you, with no ill regrets."

Sue Hawk, 2000
Peace Out! :D Christine